Thank God I Have Over $12,000 Allocated To Workin' Out

Wanna look like Madonna, or her femme counterpart Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, for a mere $900 a month plus $1,500 yearly initiation fee and a trek to New York... you can! Madge and Paltrow's personal trainer is opening an exclusive (What? The price didn't give that away?) gym on Greenwich Street coming mid-March. Don't expect to show up and see Tracy Anderson massaging Gwynnie's thighs - Anderson will continue to train Madame M and Gwyneth privately. Tracy has a competent staff whom will primarily run the exercise classes, though if you pay 3 months up-front, you can have 30 minutes of Anderson's time. I'd probably spend it asking if Gwyn actually smells when she sweats and what type of hormone injections Madge uses to stay so taut. Botox is for the masses now, y'all! The celebs surely have some super-secret anit-aging regime that's gone beyond the old news of botulism. Tracy claims to have formerly enjoyed dipping Oreos into cans of frosting, comparing herself to a doctor who smokes. Now she weighs 90-some-odd pounds and spends her days alternating between Madonna and Gwyneth's company. I don't know if I'd give up Oreos to spend time with Madonna, but hey, to each her own!