By: Jake Kilroy
Lauren Conrad wrote a novel called L.A. Candy that will be
released next week. That's right...she wrote 336 pages of delightful fiction that
she made up herself. It's not a tell-all book, she assures you.
But here's the summary from Amazon.com: Los Angeles is all
about the sweet life: hot clubs, cute guys, designer . . . everything.
Nineteen-year-old Jane Roberts can't wait to start living it up. She may be in
L.A. for an internship, but Jane plans to play as hard as she works, and has
enlisted her BFF Scarlett to join in the fun. When Jane and Scarlett are
approached by a producer who wants them to be on his new series, a
"reality version of Sex and the City," they can hardly believe their
luck. Their own show? Yes, please! Soon Jane is TV's hottest star. Fame brings
more than she ever imagined possible for a girl from Santa Barbara--free
designer clothes, the choicest tables at the most exclusive clubs, invites to
Hollywood premieres--and she's lapping up the VIP treatment with her eclectic
entourage of new pals. But those same friends who are always up for a wild
night are also out for a piece of Jane's spotlight. In a city filled with
people chasing after their dreams, it's not long before Jane wakes up to the
reality that everyone wants something from her, and nothing is what it seems to
be.
Wow. Where does she come up with this kind of stuff? Lauren
Conrad is a freakin' literary magician of some kind, you know, with the way she
thinly disguises her life. A hundred bucks says most of the book was originally
a diary before L.C. did a word search and replaced "I" with
"Jane," "Heidi" with "Scarlett," and "guy
going down on me" to "gynecologist." I just pray there's a typo
that reads, "Seriously, this guy was grinding on me so hard on the dance
floor that I could even feel his weiner breathing. It was totally unreal. And
then I ...I mean...Jane totally...told him...to, like...knock it off. And then she bought
a new sweater, because Jane totally loves new clothes, not kick-ass weiners all
up on or in her lower backside. Speaking of anal, Heidi Montag is a dumb
bitch."
[Photo Credit: In her off time - aside from being an "actor", star, writer and early retiree - she's also a sailor. What a busy girl! Is that the boss from Office Space behind her? Sure looks like Lumbergh!]
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