By: Jake Kilroy
Apparently, Robert Pattinson partied all night with Eva Mendes, and it's supposedly a big deal. It's not, as they're probably only just friends. Also, Robert's forehead is like the Great Plains after the buffalo were all killed. It's just massive and barren, and you keep thinking, "Shouldn't something be growing in that gigantic space?" But maybe Eva Mendes can fix him. I mean, Eva Mendes is so outrageously hot that she can probably demand that Robert get a forehead reduction. Maybe he can lower it to a just threehead (thank you vaudeville and the Friday film series), because, well, any man would probably do anything with Eva Mendes.
Sorry, I can't stop using her full name. She's like Darth Vader (dark and mysterious), except she only uses her powers for good (lookingness). Also, she is so hot that she makes me stupid to just think about her. Case and point being that I used the phrase "good-lookingness."
However, it should also be noted that Kristen Stewart is
probably unhappy with this and we should all cheer for Robert's efforts.
Anything after Stewart is an upgrade. Humping into a sock is even better
because a sock can at least be stretched into different shapes and sizes.
Stewart has the emotional capability of a sock that has been humped so
rigorously and copiously that it has the softness of a hospital cast. Now, tell
that cast on your dick to pull some depth of emotion. It won't. So maybe put it
in the washing machine and watch it tumble and fumble around. And that's
Kristen Stewart.
[Photo Credit: Eva Mendes. Yep!]
[Photo Credit: Robert Pattinson, whose forehead is so big that it can't be contained by a photo.]
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