September 2009 Archives

Weinstein Co: Sequels & Remakes

bob-weinstein.jpgBob Weinstein has just decided to give up really, paraphrasingly took from The Los Angeles Times. He's announced new films, such as Spy Kids 4, Halloween 3 and sequels to Hellraiser and Scanners. But, if you didn't think that killed your interest in sequels, Weinstein has a little trick up his sequeled sleeve: Scream 4.

Because why the hell not, right?

Oh, also, we'll see remakes of Short Circuit, Children Of The Corn and An American Werewolf In London.

This is their way of combating those persistent rumors about the Weinsteins' layoffs and financial trouble, which The Wall Street Journal pointed out to be totally true. There's also the rumor that Bob Weinstein is the goofiest looking man in Hollywood.

[Photo Credit] - The Los Angeles Times

Pamela Anderson! Nudty! Bankruptcy!

pamela-anderson-catwalk-week.jpgPamela Anderson is in quite a number of articles this week, so I browsed them until I found the absolute most interesting title that covered both topics. And I found it with Splash News Online, as the title was "Pam Anderson Is Nude & Possibly Broke."

Yep.

This week, Anderson was on the runway in New Zealand for their Catwalk Week in a pink thong, black heels and a sarong.

Also, she owes over $1.2 million to miscellanious creditors and construction companies (maybe for those titties...I don't know, as I still am not a scientist).

But the point is that she needs work, everyone. She's showing up at random festivities without clothes. Next week, it could be in Paris with a barrel around her. She's currently a step above pop-out-of-the-cake stripper.

Actually, the more I think about it, she reminds me of that scene in E.T. when the dress him up as a woman and he parades around making everyone laugh but still feel slightly uncomfortable.

[Photo Credit] - Stuff.co.nz

Aerosmith, You Dumb Bastards

aerosmith-wikipedia.jpgAerosmith is finally making good with the classic-rock-loving people of Maui.

According to The Wall Street Journal,  "in Sept. 2007, the band canceled a concert in Maui in order to play a larger concert in Chicago and a more lucrative event for Toyota in Oahu. This, perhaps not surprisingly, didn't sit all that well with ticket-holding fans, who sued, in a class action. The suit claims the cancellation cost ticket buyers between $500,000 and $3 million in travel costs, handling fees and other expenses."

Apparently, the ticket-holders didn't want to miss a thing! Haha! Bah-zing!

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm having an off-day and off-days always lead to schtick.

Evi & Randy Quaid Are Going Back To California

randy-quaid-and-wife.jpgAs I'm sure you've already heard, Randy Quaid and his wife Evi were arrested this week for burglary, defrauding an innkeeper and conspiracy. I love that the second charge is personalized (as if there was a specific charge for that, or even something else: "You are charged with the crimes of assault, battery and striking your child's tutor...for teaching dark magic").

But the two (who resemble Laurel & Hardy more than Bonnie & Clyde) were released from the West Texan jail they were at after each posting their $20,000 bail, according to The Associated Press.

The Texan town, Marfa, apparently has had known Hollywood attention before, as The Associated Press goes on to point out that the films Giant, There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men have all been filmed right around there.

They are now going back to Santa Barbara to await...whatever. That sounds nice. It's like taking the criminals of Australia's first penal colony to trial at the French Riveria during "Boob Week."

Wait, does such a thing as "Boob Week" exist? Is that real? Ugh. I always do this. I make things up to get others excited and then I get more excited about them than anybody.

Sigh. Journalism school taught me nothing.

[Photo Credit]The Washington Post

Jessica Biel Is Going To Climb A Mountain

jessica-biel-wikipedia-small.jpgJessica Biel has announced that she will join her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, as a part of a team of celebrities who will climb Mount Kilimanjaro for charity, according to the Houston Chronicle. This is part of a fundraising and awareness effort for the worldwide water crisis.

While absolutely commendable, I'm still concerned about raising awareness for celebrities who apparently don't know how to donate money without doing outrageous things. I mean, she could easily write a check or help out in another way. She doesn't need to climb a mountain to do it. And I intend to raise awareness for celebrities. They need to know that they don't have to do all of this inane schemes. They can just donate like a normal wealthy celebrity. Poor celebrities...having to climb mountains when they don't have to.

 

Sebastian Bach Went From Skid Row To...Well, He's Just Lame Now (No Puns Here)

This is the third installment of today's "Four People Who Are In The News But I Didn't Realize They Were Still Famous."

Sebastian Bach

Sebastian Bach, the former singer of Skid Row, was last seen two years ago on Celebrity Rap Superstar, where he embarrassed himself and probably lost the last shred of heavy cred he ever had to his once cool-sounding name.

So why the hell wouldn't he join the upcoming cast of Celebrity Fit Club?

Well...there aren't any reasons as to why he wouldn't. So he did. End of story.

Andy Dick Can't Leave The Country (But, Apparently, Andy Dick Totally Didn't Know That)

  andy-dick.jpgThis is the second installment of today's "Three People Who Are In The News But I Didn't Realize They Were Still Famous."

Andy Dick

Andy Dick went to perform at the Vancouver Comedy Festival in Canada last night, according to Perez Hilton, but he was stopped at the border because he is still under house arrrest (for misdemeanor battery and marijuana possession). He apparently didn't know that he couldn't leave the country. So he stayed here in America to continually bother...America. Shit, it's like a dad punishing a kid for being too noisy by keeping him indoors. No, what you do, is get that fucking kid out of the house, even just for the weekend...or a comedy festival.

[Photo Credit] - The Cinematic Source

Dustin Diamond Is Desperate And Bitter

dustin-diamond-book.jpgThis is the first installment of today's "Three People Who Are In The News But I Didn't Realize They Were Still Famous."

Dustin Diamond

Dustin Diamond, formerly known as the dorky character Screech from Saved By The Bell, hasn't been in a reasonably budgeted movie where he hasn't played himself since Saved By The Bell: The New Class.

Also, Diamond filed for bankruptcy in 2001 and (pathetically) released his own sex tape in 2006, according to Us Magazine, but he's making a long-jump for cash with his new book called Behind The Bell.

In his new/only book, Diamond makes claims that are borderline insulting to American youth. On this popular television show, where every actor or actress was attractive (except him), single and in their late teens and early twenties, he tells everyone that there was a lot of sex and pot-smoking between the cast...except for him.

What was that, Diamond? Are you serious? These attractive and wealthy teenagers and twentysomethings were having sex and smoking pot? It's almost like...any high school or college in the United States. Truly amazing. Diamond has ruptured my mind so badly that I must go to confession to tell my priest that I supported these immoral habits by simply watching the television program Saved By The Bell.

And, to think, I was naive enough to believe the worst it ever got was when Jesse got addicted to pills. But, even then, Zack totally saved her.

NBC Is Boring (Even With Exciting Shows)

 

 Here are two new shows from NBC for this fall (Mercy and Trauma). If you play the two videos at the same time, I'm pretty sure they sound like one epic trailer. That's how incredibly similar and stupid these two shows look.

Mackenzie Phillips Had A Lengthy Affair With Father

  mackenzie-phillips-today-show.jpgMackenzie Phillips, in her new book High On Arrival, has some intense things to talk about regarding her father, who was of course The Mamas & The Papas frontman John Phillips, according to The Associated Press. Her father was the first one to inject her with cocaine (at the age of 11), but that's not even close to the craziest thing.

She says that her father raped her while she was unconscious at the age of 19, the night before her wedding, and then went onto develop a consensual sexual relationship with her father for the next ten years. The relationship stopped when she found out she was pregnant and couldn't figure out who was the father.

And that's enough for me. That's all I can talk about. It's the big news of today, so it had to be mentioned on an entertainment industry blog, but I can't write anything more about it. It's legitimately making me uncomfortable.

[Photo Credit] - The Associated Press

Diablo Cody Loves Sweet Valley High

Thumbnail image for sweet-valley-high-diablo-cody.jpgDamn, the wacky movie adaptations just keep coming. Apparently, Diablo Cody (Juno, Jennifer's Body, and, strangely enough, the television series The United States Of Tara) is writing a Sweet Valley High movie, according to The New York Daily News.

Even though Cody supposedly grew up reading the series, this seems like a strange mix, as Cody has a habit of being hip, edgy and funny, and, I don't know if you read the Sweet Valley High series or had friends/family that did, but those books were the farthest thing from hip, edgy and funny. I feel like the books were so clean-cut and bland that it made the Babysitters' Club look like violent pornography.

[Photo Credit]

"The Facebook Movie" May Be The Best Film Ever, But It's Hard To Believe That It's Real

facebook-movie.jpgOk, I'm going to report something here that I think may be one of the greatest hoaxes of cinematic all-time.

There is apparently a film in the works, supposedly for release in 2011, about the founding of Facebook. It's being referred to in the industry as "The Facebook Movie." It sounds dumb, it sounds childish, it sounds like a TV-movie for teeny-boppers, but, seriously, it sounds like it may be goddamn astounding.

According to Newsweek, it's supposed to be directed by David Fincher. This is huge, since everything he does is edge of your seat and/or thematic and fresh. His directorial credits include Fight Club, Zodiac, Seven, The Game and, most recently, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

So, clearly, it already seems like it's made-up. However, it gets stranger.

The film would be based on The Accidental Billionaires by Ben Mezrich, but would be adapted for the screen by (no joke) Aaron Sorkin. And, if you aren't familiar with his work, he wrote A Few Good Men, The American President and Charlie Wilson's War. Oh, and if that's not enough, he's actually more known for creating Sports Night, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip and The (goddamn) West Wing.

Also, there's talk of Justin Timberlake starring in it or whatever, but that's not impressive. Seriously though, they might be making a movie about Facebook with David Fincher directing an Aaron Sorkin script.

I'm beyond stunned. This is like telling me that there's going to be a new band coming out that includes Flea on bass, Yoshiki Hayashi on drums, Ray Manzarek on keyboard,  Jimmy Page and zombie Jimi Hendrix on guitars and me on vocals.

Kirk Cameron Talks About Darwin, Hitler...You Know, The Usual

Former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron makes a quick reference to there being "an undeniable connection" between Darwin and...Hitler, according to NBC Miami.

I suddenly miss this guy:

kirk-cameron-growing-pains.jpg 

 

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom Are Getting Happily Married...After Only A Month

  khloe-kardashian-lamar-odom.jpgI have to be honest here: I don't keep very good tabs on the Kardashians. I think they're obnoxious, all of them. And then when I do pay attention, it's only because a good picture of Kim in a bikini shows up online (which seems to be every waking second, as the only thing she seems to love more than the beach is media attention). And, even then, I only learned about Kim Kardashian because of a sex tape (damn, it sounds like I still get my news the same way I did in eighth grade).

Anyway, the point is that I don't really keep up with any of them beyond their names passing in and out of gossip columns and party conversations. So, apparently, Khloe Kardashian is marrying Lamar Odom from the Los Angeles Lakers. Shrug. Whatever. Except they've only been dating for a month. And this seems stupid, even by celebrity standards...even by Kardashian standards, really.

Yes, the new couple is possibly becoming everlasting this Sunday, according to The San Francisco Chronicle. I don't understand how this makes senes to people. Everything seems great after only a month. You might as well be high on morphine the entire time. 

Dman, in the Kardashian world, I'd probably become engaged to every girl who ever looked at me sweetly before I thought about doing naughty things to her. Ugh. And it's not even until you're dating a girl for, like, three months when you have the longer talks that lead to finding out that the girl is into oddball shit like the Arizona Fireball.

Sigh. Relationships, man, so gnar.

[Photo Credit] -  PopCrunch

Tom DeLay Is Campaigning Again (While Dancing)

tom-delay-dancing-small.jpgTom DeLay is on Dancing With The Stars, which makes as much sense to me as him once being the House Majority Leader. The guy is a crackpot.

His daughter Dani DeLay Ferro, who was in charge of his political campaigns, is now in charge of his television campaigns, according to The New York Times, which also published the e-mail that Ferro sent to,well, "the Republican establishment."

This is the e-mail:

Hi all,
Tonight is the first episode of Dancing With the Stars (on ABC) so it's time to watch and vote!!

As most of you know, my dad is a contestant on the show and it's up to us to keep him going!! The judge's score is only half the overall score, our votes are the other half.

There are several ways to vote:
1. call 800-868-3408. Phone lines open at the top of the show and close 30 minutes after the show ends. You can call 8 times from each phone number you have.
2. text (AT&T customers only). Again, 8 times from each phone number.
3. online until noon tomorrow. 8 times from each email address you have.

To vote online, you will first need to register on the ABC website and vote there:
https://register.go.com/abc/primetime/dancing/newSignin
http://abc.go.com/shows/dancing-with-the-stars/about-voting

Dad is really counting on us so now's a great time to show your support!! Vote early, Vote often!!!
Thank you,
Dani

This should go well. I mean, it's not illegal what Ferro's doing. Any previous celebrity (or celebrity kid) has always had the chance to recruit votes to support the person on the show. However, it's just hard to trust a man who was indicted on criminal charges of conspiracy to violate election laws, money laundering and conspiracy to engage in money laundering, while The House Ethics Committee also admonished DeLay for improper use of Federal Aviation Administration resources, and so on, you know?

I mean, Dancing With The Stars just seems like it's for good, decent people, and DeLay is just this awful blotch on the season, while every other celebrity is just a hard-working gentle person, it seems, and...oh, really? Wait, seriously? Michael Irvin is on this season too? No way. For real? Well, then nevermind. DeLay's a decent guy, I guess.

[Photo Credit] - Washington Post...giggling...

Brady & Bundchen Are Really Exciting

  brady-bundchen.jpgNFL heart-throb Tom Brady and model heart-throb Gisele Bundchen are being sued by two photographers and a news agency, according to The Washington Post. This seems a little backwards, right? Don't celebrities usually sue photographers and tabloids and such?

Yes, usually that's true. But not when there's a gun involved! Or...a holiday mansion in Costa Rica!

Apparently, The Washington Post reports that, during a party at Bundchen's holiday home in Costa Rica, bodyguards demanded the cameras and memory cards after the photographers took pictures of the event.

The Washington Post: [When the photographers refused, the lawsuit alleges, the incident became more heated and one of the bodyguards fired a pistol at the photographers' vehicle, with one shot shattering the rear windshield, then hitting the front windshield and narrowly missing the heads of the photographers on the ricochet.]

Now, what thoughts is your head whirling with? Is it, "Wow, that bodyguard elevated the situation quite quickly with firing his gun?"

Or, are you, like me, freaking out, trying to figure out what they could've been doing at that party that was so balls-out wild that they had to get the pictures with used of bullets? It could've been a pagan ritual, maybe with a human sacrifice, or it could've been some kind of violent sex party, maybe with senior citizens they kidnapped, or, we could just watch this horrifying movie below that (probably) has striking similarities to the party.

[Photo Credit]

Big News: The Emmys Were Good

The Emmys were last night and the big news is that people watched it, up a million viewers from last year, according to the Washington Post.

This is huge, since every award show has been kind of slowly tanking over the years and the self-ridicule of no one watching awards show at the awards show was beginning to lose its hilarity factor. But this is despiteeven though many of the big-time winners Best Drama (Mad Men), Best Comedy (30 Rock), Best Drama Actor (Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad) and Brest Drama Actress (Glenn Close, Damages)

The opening act song for the Emmys above isn't great, but, compared with the video below from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, it just shows that Neil Patrick Harris may be the most talented performer ever. And him being the host is probably what saved the Emmys.

HBOriginal vs. Networst (bah-zing!)

If the basic networks (CBS, NBC, ABC & FOX) are always laughed at by HBO, it's because they remake shows just years afterwards. Take a look at ABC's The Middle above and LOOK ME IN THE FACE (somehow) AND TELL ME IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A COPY OF MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE.

Now look at what kind of totally unique shows that HBO has this year with just one-show called Bored To Death about a timid writer doing unofficial detective work in attempt to cure writer's block or just have excitement in his life. It stars Jason Schwartzman, Zach Galifianakis & Ted (muthafuckin') Danson! And, in just this trailer, shows reoccurring characters or guest starts Patton Oswald, Oliver Platt, Parker Posey and Kristen Wiig. The only way this show could get better is if somehow Bob Hope came back from the dead to play a villain with a phobia of death. I don't know why, but I think vaudeville could make anything better. Also, this show needs a gigantic cane and some fiddles. And a family of acrobats. I'll stop now. I'm getting myself too excited.

David Hasselhoff Only Had Alcohol Poisoning Because Of An Ear Infection

david-hasselhoff-wikipedia-small.jpgDavid Hasselhoff was reportedly hospitalized for alcohol poisoning yesterday, says The Los Angeles Times. But don't worry! This has happened since...May!

But don't worry! He wasn't drunk! It was just the chaotic results of an ear infection and a misunderstanding (which sounds similar and just as insane as when Mischa Barton was put on psychiatric hold because she had her wisdom teeth pulled). Yes, "Team Hasselhoff" is telling everyone that the drugs for his ear infection screwed up his equilibrium, according to TMZ.

I would love to hear a conversation go that wrong.

"Damn, my ear is seriously bothering me."

"Your beer is seriously bothering you?"

"No, my ear."

"No more beer?"

"My ear!"

"More beer? Listen, you've probably had enough and you're getting pretty loud. God, you're an angry drunk."

"I'm not drunk, you dickhead! My ear infection is just bothering me. Damn."

"What? You're so drunk that you were browsing through pictures of your hot sister on my computer, under my login?"

"Wait...what...?"

"And now you just want to blame the whole thing about strippers coming over on me when you totally dialed the phone and made that purchase?"

"I have no idea what you're-"

"And now you want me take all of your money and put it in my wallet, just because you're so drunk?"

"I didn't say any of that!"

"Ok, that's it. I'm taking you to the hospital. You clearly have alcohol poisoning."

The New Indie "It" Couple

ben-gibbard-zooey-deschanel.jpgZooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard were married yesterday. The actress-songstress and the Death Cab For Cutie frontman had been engaged since December.

Obviously, they have become the new indie "it" couple...replacing...I don't know, Zach Braff and Natalie Portman's characters in Garden State.

Anyway, this is a bigger deal that it actually seems, because, long ago, Gibbard sensually intrigued indie rock girls, who were impressed with his articulate (though blunt) but romantic or bitter take on sex and dating.

Now, he's sublting intrguing mainstream girls by dating one of their many goddesses Zooey Deschanel and Death Cab For Cutie has the lead single for the New Moon soundtrack.

It is naturally assumed that within the year, any girl (between the age of 15 and 30) will have had some kind of mental sexual relations with Mr. Gibbard). Look, I can't explain it. It's just science. Just find your science book from high school or college and look for "miracle."

[Photo Credit] - Yes, MSNBC covers these breaking news stories.

CNN Loves Pirates

Tomorrow is National Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day, and even CNN is covering the holiday early.

Maybe CNN is just trying to be cool today, and it's all an attempt to cover up Wolf Blitzer's lack of cool/knowledge on Celebrity Jeopardy last night.

Andy Richter Is Way Smarter Than Wolf Blitzer

 

Wolf Blitzer got a B.A. in history from the University of Buffalo, and then he got his Masters in international relations from the John Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies and worked for the Jerusalem Post for over 15 years. And he has been a reporter for CNN since 1990. He has had several hosting gigs on CNN and currently hosts The Situation Room. So, naturally, you would assume that he would kill on Celebrity Jeopardy.

Well, that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Comedian Andy Richter, known best for once being the sidekick and currently being the announcer for Conan O'Brien and two funny but canceled shows (as well as small parts in movies and guest spots on shows) was a film major at Columbia College Chicago and he dominated the crap out of Blitzer.

Going into Final Jeopardy, Richter had $39,000 and Wolf Blitzer had -$4,600. The other contestant Dana Delany (currently starring on Desperate Housewives) had $4,800. They had to actually erase Wolf Blitzer's score and give him $1,000 just so he could play the final round. Yes, this is how Wolf Blitzer did, even though he has won distinguished awards for covering major events over the last two decades.

Andy Richter ended with $68,000 and Wolf Blitzer...well, let's just watch an old video instead:

Guiding Light Goes Dark (yuk-yuk-yuk)

guiding-light.jpgGuiding Light was canceled today.

This may not sound like a big deal initially, but Guiding Light is the longest-running American soap opera. It's been going since 1937. Yes, Guiding Light is older than commercial television in the United States.

It began as a radio program in 1937 and transferred to television in 1952 and has been going until today. The 72-year-old show is no more as of today.

The show seems important and interesting, just because it's something that three generations of family (who love fictional dysfunctional families) grew up on.

And, according to The Los Angeles Times, Guiding Light is responsible for providing career starts to stars like Angela Basett, James Earl Jones, Kevin Bacon, Allison Janey, Jimmy Smits, Brittany Snow, Christopher Walken, Calista Flockhart, Hayden Pantettiere, Peter Gallagher, Mira Sorvino and Taye Diggs.

Seriously though, 72 goddamn years of an overlapping story that began in 1937. Also, As The World Turns is the second longest-running soap opera, which started in 1952, and General Hospital started in 1963, making it third.

I was always annoyed whenever my friends' mothers would watch soap operas. We would get home from school and we couldn't watch cartoons or sports because the television was being used. And no matter how many times I tried to ruin the ending, it would still surprise me. Now, I feel guilty for always hating soap operas when I was younger. I still think they're silly, but they brought happiness and conversations. It seems that soap operas might be on the decline, so I'm wrecked with guilt. Maybe I'll go through this again in two decades with reality shows.

I do wonder from time to time what kind of person I would've turned out to be if I was raised on soap operas, always watching sex, murder, betrayal, death, lust, love, rape, blackmail and such. Eh. Probably something like this.

[Photo Credit] - The picture is from the television premiere episode.

Suzanne Somers Is Now A Controversial Doctor, I Guess

Regarding Patrick Swayze's death, Suzanne Somers is blaming the treatment instead of the disease, according to Access Hollywood. She decided to use Patrick Swayze's recent death as a soapbox. In an interview with the Toronto's National Post, "They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him." She added, "Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body?"

"I hate to be this controversial," Somers continued. "I'm a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it."

Seriously, Suzanne? Seriously? You think this is the time to discuss this? Also, complete remission is nearly impossible. It was a tragic turn of events. That's such an unfair assumption. I mean, the closest thing to medical education and experience that Suzanne Somers has is writing self-help books. Poor form.

Megan Became A Fox At 12

Thumbnail image for megan-fox-main-wikipedia-paris.jpgAccording to People Magazine, Megan Fox says that she first realized that she had some "supernatural" power over boys at the age of 12. 

In related news, here is the plot of Lolita.

The New Moon Soundtrack Seems Suspiciously Cool

Newmoonposter.JPGSpeculation about the New Moon soundtrack is being talked about, according to MTV. And it's a bit surprising. MTV says that some musical acts being considered are Thom Yorke, Bon Iver and Grizzly Bear. The New Moon soundtrack will have a more "indie" bend to it, says music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas.

Author Stephanie Meyer admits to music playing an important role in her writing. But the bands are Blue October, My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park. You can see how the bands on the film's soundtrack don't exactly match up to the bands the author listens to when penning the books.

I could only imagine it happening backwards with a writer like 76-year-old Cormac McCarthy (No Country For Old Men, The Road, All The Pretty Horses). 

"Ok, so your very-serious novel Blood Meridian is about a teenage runaway and scalp hunters in the Southwest, correct?" asks the flashy big-time Hollywood director, looking to make a kick-ass film adaption.

"Correct," replies McCarthy.

"Good. Ok, now did you listen to music while writing the book?"

"Yes."

"I'm guessing a lot of music that would influence your writing of the Southwest, maybe some very classical folk artists and old-time country singers?"

"Sure."

"Ok, ok, ok, great...well, we're going to put Katy Perry, Black-Eyed Peas and Fall Out Boy on the sountrack. How fucking awesome is that, dude?"

"What?" asks a stunned McCarthy.

"Nothing, bro!" yells the director as he high-fives McCarthy. 

Chris Brown Is Doing Community Service

chris-brown-community-service.jpg
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
...ha...I'm sorry?...oh, no, I wasn't aware that I was being too loud. Yes, I agree...No, I know...Yes, the other people in the library deserve quiet, just like me...I know, but...fair enough, sir...ok, I will....
hehehehehehehehehehehehehe






[Photo Credit] - Hello Magazine (indeed)

Avril Lavigne Is Divorcing Derek Whibley

whibley-lavigne.jpgAvril Lavigne is divorcing Derek Whibley (lead singer of Sum 41), according to MSNBC. And I don't know what's more surprising, the actual story or that MSNBC is so keen on reporting it.

However, it makes more sense when MSNBC attributes its sources as Us Weekly, where a source claimed, "She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on." The source added, "Divorce papers will be filed any day now."

And by "leaving," this, of course, means that Lavigne kicked Whibley out of their $9.5 million estate in Bel-Air. And this divorce may be coming from the endless amounts of pictures of Lavigne partying like it was Rush Week for her sorority of single ladies. And then, furthermore, a source or a representative or some random person said that Whibley is reportedly "crushed."

You feel bad for the guy, right? And Lavigne seems kind of awful in this, right?

Well, in related news, Perez Hilton still sucks. The website's title for this story was "Avril Lavigne Dumps Fugface" and has referred to him as a Z-List celebrity as the divorce rumors spread. The hyperactive insensitivity of Perez Hilton is so forced and obnoxious that it's almost cartoonish. Seriously, the only difference between Perez Hilton and Nelson from The Simpsons is that Nelson is 1) funny, 2) tough, and 3) at some point, even someone smart (Lisa) actually likes him as a person.


Dan Brown Broke A Record As A Broken Record

lost-symbol-wikipedia.jpgDan Brown has finally written the long-awaited follow-up to his outrageously ridiculous smash hit book, The Da Vinci Code. Yes, according to The Associated PressThe Lost Symbol was released yesterday and has already sold over one million copies. This is huge for any book that is not Harry Potter (the seventh and final installment, Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows sold 8 million copies in its first day).

The Lost Symbol is already on its way to being the talk of...everywhere. Adults who don't read otherwise will talk about The Lost Symbol for the next several months.

"I can't believe how fast I read it," a person will say.

"Oh, me too. I just love reading," another will add.

And, for both adults, The Lost Symbol will be the only book either read in 2009. But that's not to say others won't read it. If it's like his last two books, both turned into movies, it'll be written like a film. The story will be solid (and rushed, as it takes place over only 12 hours), but some of the writing will sound like Quentin Tarantino explaining one of his movies on a bender. Here's what I bet it sounds like:

Then there was a gunshot.

"Blam!" went a gun from behind her. She kept running.

And then, out of nowhere, came the second man. He had been standing in the shadows. Nobody saw him. Nobody except the third man, who was behind the painting!

He stabbed the other guy. The girl kept running through the hallway, looking for an escape.

And then each chapter will end with someone saying either "I think I know where to go next" or "What does it all mean?"

Dan Brown: the closest thing adults have to the old Goosebumps series.

Jay-Z Just Beat Elvis Presley

jay-z-wikipedia-small.jpgElvis has left the Billboard, or its record book at least. And it's all thanks to Jay-Z.

From The New York Times:

Jay-Z easily took the No. 1 spot on the Billboard 200 with "The Blueprint 3," which sold 476,000 copies. Billboard said that Jay-Z has now surpassed Elvis Presley as the solo act with the most No. 1 albums in Billboard 200 history. The rapper also has the second-most No. 1 albums among all acts, eclipsed only by -- you guessed it -- the Beatles.

Jay-Z (11), who just beat Elvis Presley (10), had already long ago beat The Rolling Stones (9), Bruce Springsteen (9), Barbra Streisand (8), Led Zeppelin (7), Madonna (7) and U2 (7).

Yes, it's a big deal that Jay-Z beat Elvis Presley, but...he's already trampled every other musical act that I would've guessed to have more number one albums than him. I guess other artists take great time with each of their albums and perfect every little thing until each album is exactly what they want their fans to hear. *cough* Kingdom Come *cough*

No, I'm kidding. All the artists above phoned-in an album or two that ended up going #1.

The Rolling Stones: Emotional Rescue
Bruce Springsteen: Magic
Barbra Streisand: The Way We Were (just because the movie's so infuriating)
Led Zeppelin: Presence
Madonna: American Life
U2: How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

The music industry doesn't make sense sometimes.

Give It Up, Kate

kate-gosselin-ny-daily-news.jpgI've been uncertain who is actually more unbearable in the split-up aftermath of Jon and Kate from Jon and Kate Plus Eight. I mean, never have two people, famous for parenting, been so outrageously self-involved, attention-starved and media-crazy.

But, now, I think Kate Gosselin wins. She wants her own talk show, says The New York Daily News. Because raising eight kids in the fall-out of an excruciating and very public divorce is not at all where your focus should be, even while the media continuously reports that you are bonkers and emotional unstable (the most recent one is from People regarding a meltdown you mentioned on The View).

Yes, of course, Kate, you should have your own show where you give advice. Just have Courtney Love as your band leader and Gary Busey as your announcer, and let you be your first guest, as your eight kids wander the studio eating bugs and lint because you're too busy going through your weekly topical themes, such as "Is Kate Gosselin's new haircut new enough?" or "Jon's Being A Dick Again." What could you possibly have to offer?

Ugh. Get over yourself and raise your goddamn kids.

[Photo Credit] - It's hard to find a more self-involved picture of her.

Poor Jay Leno

jay-leno-show.jpgThe Jay Leno Show is a "closely watched cost-cutting experiment by NBC," according to Reuters, and it seems to be bottoming out, apparently. The show lost 7 million viewers on its second night and a solid percentage of the 18.4 million viewers on the debut show on Monday may have only been there to hear Kanye West's apology.

The New York Times said, "Mr. Leno saw his audience fall off about 15 percent from his first half hour to his second Tuesday night. That would be good for any late-night hour but it is usually not a good sign for 10 p.m. network shows."

There have been other critics. The Associated Press included a few...

Robert Bianco of USA Today slammed it as a "cut-rate, snooze-inducing rehashed bore."

The Associated Press' Frazier Moore identified "the biggest difference between Leno's new show and his old one: With his fade-out at 11 p.m., the local news began."

The Los Angeles Times' Mary McNamara called the show "a strange, shallow puddle of comedy."

"This is the future of television?" she wrote. "This wasn't even a good rendition of television past."

Though the second night's show had only 10.7 million viewers, it remained the number one show of the night, and, compared to the average 5.2 million viewers Leno had in his 11:30 p.m. Tonight Show slot, maybe he's not doing so bad.

On the other hand, he is still Jay Leno being Jay Leno and telling Jay Leno jokes, and I suppose the idea of his new show already fading slowly is not news. Let's move on.

Goodbye, Patrick Swayze

  patrick-swayze-wikipedia-small.jpgSince I adored Patrick Swayze, this will be the only post for today, as it overshadows every other piece of news.

 Patrick Swayze passed away yesterday from pancreatic cancer at the age of 57, after battling it strongly for some time. He had told Barbara Walters in an interview sometime ago that he jokingly admitted that he wanted the media to report that he was just "kicking it."

And that's the sort of nice-guy-shrug-off-bad-shit-just-digging-it guy that Patrick Swayze always seemed to be.

Now, it's always a peculiar situation to incessantly root for someone you''ve never met, had contact with or even remotely know personally. With politicians, it's different, as they come to be represent you and can affect your existence in society.

But, somehow, for some reason, there came to be a great appreciation for Patrick Swayze and his films' characters (which were all assumed to be Swayze himself) in my old house. It would make more sense to explain that I lived with three other men in their early twenties and our house served as something along the lines of a city's meeting all for lowlifes and laughers.

Roughly a year ago (weird), my brother (one of my former roommates) and his friend began talking about Swayze's small town epic Road House. My brother had never seen it and the friend couldn't figure it out, as if my brother was unqualified to be a man (imagine someone getting into a respectable university without taking the SATs). So he demanded that they watch it at our house.

Severeal other friends of my brother joined in, including another roommate. That night, I came home late and saw a handful of young men staring at the wall (we had a projector against the wall instead of an actual television) as if it were 1927 and they were watching a bootleg copy of The Jazz Singer. Their eyes were glazed in wonderment.

My brother was the only one who took his eyes off the screen. He looked over at me and said, "Have you seen this fucking movie, man? It's unbelievable!" I shook my head. I had never seen Road House and I could notice my brother's friend shaking his head in disbelief, as if our parents had raised us all on candy and racism and not vegetables and manners. It seemed like my brother and I were both spectacularly unqualified to be men. Later, I realized that it had also impaired my sister's ability to be a woman who could appreciate good men. Our parents failed the three of us in some diluted form.

I retired to my bedroom and read, listening to them cheer and clap for whatever was happening on screen. It could've been the world series from the sound of it. But the next day, my brother and kept talking about Road House and the other roommate decided to start hosting something called Swayze Night every Thursday.

They decided to start off with a movie that everyone knew: Point Break.

"Ok, Point Break is rad. I'm in," I said. Patrick Swayze always seemed like a cool guy and he had a filmography exciting enough to appreciate weekly. The two of them invited everyone from their work and there ended up being 15 or so people in our living room, sitting in every piece of furniture we had, dragged everywhere from the garage and the patio.

Watching Point Break, I realized that I had always appreciated Johnny Utah's poorly written, decently delivered lines. But I never valued Bodhi's shaggy but serious approach to surf and bank robberies. In the process of the movie, Bodhi became less Bodhi and more Patrick Swayze, and, by the end of the film (storm of the century), it was like we were cheering on Swayze to slay the turbulent ocean.

After Point Break, we began dressing up for the movies every Thursday.

We dressed in flannel for Black Dog (and were nervous for Swayze to help the FBI while trying to save his own life, wife, kid, friend and house).

We dressed in camouflage or as Communists for Red Dawn (and witnessed Swayze's bravery and strength as a leader in the most impossible of fights). 

We dressed as greasers for The Outsiders (and listened to Swayze's tense but careful wisdom). 

We dressed as dancers and camp counselors for Dirty Dancing (and couldn't help but laugh alongside Swayze for not putting up with anyone's shit).

We dressed as our own interpretation of ghosts for Ghost (and tried to help Swayze solve his own murder, even though Swayze never needs help).

We even dressed in drag, with men as women and women as men, for To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything... (and couldn't wait for the more feminine Swayze to still wreck hell on those who abuse their loved ones).

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. We even rewatched Road House, just so we could dress up like bouncers and anticipate the glory that is every goddamn minute of that movie.

However, during these movies, we grew to adore the man who was poetry and justified violence in one awesome package. It's not like he was ever looking to hurt anyone. But we came to agree that, sometimes, "any means necessary" certainly applied, and we cheered him on when we rocked the shit out of life.

And, furthermore, we all just collectively came to...just adore Swayze like he was our favorite uncle. And there grew to be a good number of us (sometimes 30 or so people all squished in our living room) all joking and yelling (at acceptable parts: explosions, sex, good one-liners, you know that stuff that dreams are, like, made of).

I remember when we rewatched Road House, we had to pause the movie so that we could high-five each other for a solid five minutes or so. I mean, the part is/was glorious. Swayze ripped out that goon's throat (any fucking means necessary, ok?) and dragged him across the river, screaming the villain's name (Wesley) in such anger, anguish and reasonable uncertainity. He didn't feel good about it, and you could tell that it hurt him inside, but sometimes, as a hero or legend, there's no time for a breather. And, even in those considerably outrageous moments, you were sure that Patrick Swayze had so immersed himself in his films that you and Swayze could probably have a conversation about the scene like it had really happened to poor ol' Swayz (that's not a typo, that's his beautiful nickname).

Some film roles were laughable, sure, but they were played with such a good guy smile and shrug that it was hard to even notice the silliness of the film. Instead, you just wanted Swayze's character (who, again, you mostly just assumed to actually be Patrick Swayze himself) to win. You just wanted him to beat the bad guys, get the girl and help the helpless.

And, everyone, I hope/think, deep down, feels this way, even if they were never at a Swayze Night (as others exist around in these United States). Somehow, and you don't know when it started exactly, but you just found yourself there for Swayze, no matter the situation's inanity or oddball "serious" threat.

You start taking the awful circumstances of Swayze's characters' life and begin interjecting with realistic problems and handing the movie symbolism it probably never intended. Swayze's movies begin to represent more than action and comedy, but politics, religion, sexuality, et cetera. And Swayze all brings it about by a tender sincerity. 

I mean, in Black Dog, his house was going to be repossessed and he had just gotten out of jail for vehicular manslaughter (because he fell asleep at the wheel, after working too hard and growing tired). But then he agrees to drive a truck again after losing his commercial driver's license, though he's wrekced with guilt for the accidental death he was responsible for, and it's just a load of bathroom fixtures anyway, and he's just trying to be a solid guy and get through life, you know? Fuck. But then it turns out that the truck is filled with illegal guns. And it was just like, "Fuck, man, why can't everyone just leave Swayze the fuck alone? He just wants to do this drive to keep a roof over the heads of his wife and kid! Jesus. Just let him live."

And this sort of whole-hearted cheering for Swayze is what led to Swayze Nights in the first place. Well, actually, it was Road House. And even while watching that movie, it's just like, "Jesus, the guy just wants everything to be resolved with peace! Why is everyone being such a dick to Swayze? Fuck, I mean, he has a philosophy degree from NYU! He's just trying to set an example and everyone's being such a fucking asshole to him."

Or in The Outsiders, it was "Ok, yeah, he shouldn't have hit Ponyboy, sure, but Ponyboy's doesn't understand what Swayze is in charge of. He has to look out for his younger brothers and gang members. He's probably old enough to get out of it, but he just wants to help everyone and keep anyone from getting killed. And, damn, he fucking cried when he realized that Ponyboy was alive. Jesus, he has so much on his plate. Fuck, just cut him some slack."

And so on, and so on, and so on. Yeah, sure, this could be considered goofy or silly, but it seems to feel the most comfortable way to talk about Patrick Swayze, like an underappreciated hero that has endured the most inane and wild situations this world or another world has to offer.

With that giddy but mock-overserious-tone constantly pushing you to believe more, Patrick Swayze's films became more about Patrick Swayze than the actual films. We would refer to the movies almost like documentaries or remembering when an old friend of ours did something awesome. He was just...something to anticipate and look forward to, and something to find truth in. I mean, even when he was acting, he was still...Swayze. And I don't account that for his acting, or inability to escape himself into a role. I just think that, any role written for Swayze, ultimately becomes Swayze, as that's what everyone wants. It's not that Swayze can't escape himself. It's just...well, why the fuck would he? Every fictional character becomes Swayze because Swayze is better than any fictional character. It's not like he tries and doesn't succeed. No, Swayze always succeeds at being Swayze.

God, this is hard to explain. Look, the thing is...Swayze is the ultimate character and he always has his inescapable qualities, and that's what a good character is. Swayze in real life is the best fictional character, drawn up by a collection of gods to tell story after story, blurring the lines of reality and non-reality. And, somewhere in between these magnificent lines, Patrick Swayze became the single greatest Patrick Swayze that Patrick Swayze could be as Patrick Swayze.

In his quiet humility, or his generous heroism, Patrick Swayze saved us regularly from the non-Swayzes of this world, bravely anticipating the coming doom that is known and made available to the real world and the fictional worlds created in order for Patrick Swayze to explain the positive messages he had always held dear by way of hypothetical situations. He came here a boy, became the manliest of men, turned into an actor, and, somehow, evolved into a beloved legend of dreamlike proportions and has now left as something that can't be put into words.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze
KICKED OPEN THE DOOR TO THIS WORLD: August 18, 1952
KICKED OPEN THE DOOR TO ANOTHER WORLD: September 14, 2009

A video my girlfriend made last year about our Swayze Nights...

Kanye Apologized (But Very Stupidly)

kanye-west-billboard.jpgOh good, Kanye West apologized for last night. But his apology has the class of a high school student (zing).

According to Billboard, Kanye went to his blog to write, "I felt like Ben Stiller in Meet The Parents when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave... That was Taylor's moment and I had no right in any way to take it from her. I am truly sorry."

Yes, good, solid apology, Kanye. You compared yourself to Ben Stiller in Meet The Parents, when he tries so hard to be a nice guy but everything goes wrong for him and it's all one accident and misunderstanding after another. Yes, that's exactly you, the victim of accidents and misunderstandings. 

Also, very mature. The adult thing to do in an apology is reference a mainstream comedy. Now I can't wait for Joe Wilson to apologize for interrupting President Obama's speech by saying, "God, I feel like I've betrayed the country. It's very similar to when Lloyd puts something in Harry's drink to make him have diarrhea in Dumb & Dumber. I have filled America's bathroom with toilet jokes. Please forgive me."

Tools, both of them.

[Photo Credit]

Lady Gaga Loves Captain EO...Probably

  lady-gaga-vmas.jpgThis is the 3rd of 4 installments today about the VMAs.

I was under the impression that Disney was actually denying the return of Captain EO.

Oh well, somebody will probably tell Lady Gaga at some point or another.

[Photo Credit]

Janet Jackson, Madonna & Dancers Pay Tribute To Michael Jackson

janet-jackson-vma.jpgThis is the 2nd of 4 installments today about the VMAs.

It's hard to believe that Janet Jackson is in her 40s. Her involvement in the Michael Jackson tribute was pretty unreal. It had the grand entrance that MTV can promise for those special moments, but her ability to move the way she did was wild. She danced along to the video of Michael dancing behind her perfectly. It was close to flawless. Much of the tribute was filled with no-name dancers paying their respects to the one and only great Michael jackson. Though they did a fantastic job, there was still a quiet wait for something else. And Janet Jackson brought it.

 

madonna-vma.jpgMadonna provided a pretty good speech about Michael. The speech began with Madonna's ability to always lapse into being...Madonna, and talking about herself. She could be the first person to talk to aliens in the middle of Superman battling Doomsday on Christmas morning, and she would still somehow find a way to talk about how she burned her tongue with coffee that morning.

However, even though, at first, it initially appeared that she would go her usual way, Madonna turned it into a rather observational and good-spirited (but slightly uncomfortable) joke: "Michael Jackson was born in August, 1958. so was I. Michael Jackson grew up in the suburbs of the Midwest. So did I. Michael Jackson had eight brothers and sisters. So do I. When Michael Jackson was 6 he became a superstar and was perhaps the world's most beloved child. When I was 6 my mother died. I think he got the shorter end of the stick."

Observing a transcript from MTV, Madonna told a cute story about a time they hung out in the early '90s, but Madonna also continued to battle between the topics of total sincerity regarding Michael and involving herself in the speech.

Total Sincerity: "There is no question that Michael Jackson was one of the greatest talents the world has ever known. ... That when he sang a song at the ripe old age of 8, he could make you feel like an experienced adult was squeezing your heart with his words. ... That the way he moved had the elegance of Fred Astaire and packed the punch of Muhammad Ali. ... That his music had an extra layer of inexplicable magic that didn't just make you want to dance but actually made you believe that you could fly, dare to dream, be anything that you wanted to be. Because that is what heroes do. And Michael Jackson was a hero."

Total Sincerity: "He performed in soccer stadiums around the world, he sold hundreds of millions of records, he dined with prime ministers and presidents. Girls fell in love with him, boys fell in love with him, everyone wanted to dance like him, he seemed otherworldly, but he was also a human being. Like most performers, he was shy and plagued with insecurities."

Involving Herself: "But I had a childhood, and I was allowed to make mistakes and find my own way in the world without the glare of the spotlight. When I first heard that Michael had died I was in London, days away from the opening of my tour. Michael was going to perform in the same venue as me a week later. All I could think about in that moment was that I had abandoned him."

Involving Herself: I felt his pain. I know what it's like to walk down the street and feel like the whole world has turned against you. I know what it's like to feel helpless and unable to defend yourself because the roar of the lynch mob is so loud that you are convinced your voice can never be heard."

In closing, Madonna said, "Yes, yes Michael Jackson was a human being, but dammit, he was a king. Long live the king."

[Photo Credit] - Janet Jackson

[Photo Credit] - Madonna

Kanye Acts Like A Total Ass In Public And Surprises Close To No One

kanye-west-abc-news.jpg

[Photo Credit] - ABC News

This is the 1st of 4 installments today about the VMAs, since it's all the talk around the watercoolers and...I don't know what else...drug dens and brothels? Anyway...

It's the big talk of today (sort of), but, once again, more than ever, Kanye West has acted like a total ass at an award show. This time (last night at MTV's Video Music Awards), it was his worst offense for two reasons:

1) He interrupted someone else to talk about someone else, not even him. He interrupted Taylor Swift's speech for winning Best Female Video to tell everyone that Beyonce's video was better.

2) He interrupted Taylor Swift. Of all people to interrupt, he screwed up things for a very friendly, soft-spoken, silly teenage girl. And it was to tell everyone that a long-established artist was better.

Also, one of the more uncomfortable aspects was that the long-established artist, Beyonce, was stunned. Later, when Beyonce won Video Of The Year, she talked about how she remembered being an excited and overwhelmed teenager at the VMAs years ago. So, in a very thoughtful and classy manner, Beyonce invited Taylor Swift on-stage to give a new speech without being interrupted.

ABC News has an entire list of Kanye West's outbursts. But there were so many instances in such singular award shows, I decided to not even bother. We all know he can a total douche. He's not a douchebag, however. You have to be more abrasive and intense to be one. He's just a douche because he's a mean-spirited and thoughtless whiner.

Some celebrities posted their immeidate thoughts of Kanye on Twitter, according to Tremendous News.

Katy Perry: FUCK U KANYE. IT'S LIKE U STEPPED 0N A KITTEN.

Pink: Kanye West is the biggest piece of shit on earth

Michelle Branch: or as the French like to say douche (re: Kanye)

There were more, and there were, of course, other posts that praised Beyonce and congratulated Taylor Swift. And there's no real point, argument or joke that could be made here. Everyone agrees that Kanye is a total douche, whether or not you thought that Beyonce's video actually was better, whether or not you like Kanye's music, whether not you interrupt awards shows or not.

Here's the worst interruption that Kanye has ever pulled:

Confucius, Oscar Wilde, Stephen Hawking and...*sigh*...Paris Hilton

paris-hilton-wikipedia.jpg
"Dress cute wherever you go, life is too short to blend in" is Paris Hilton's contribution to the Oxford Book of Quotations, according to Yahoo News.

So, what's her opinion on being added into a collection alongside Confucius, Oscar Wilde and Stephen Hawking?

"So cool," said the socialite.

I'm not even gonna try to be clever here (since that may get me into a book of quotations). 

You're just a dumb bitch, Paris Hilton.

Mischa Barton Was Only Crazy For A While Because She Had Her Wisdom Teeth Pulled

mischa-barton-wikipedia.JPGMischa Barton was put on psychiatric hold and admitted that, looking back, she was 
hitting rock bottom," and then moved all the way to New York City because the Hollywood influences were dragging her down, says the San Francisco Chronicle.

But now she's say it was all just because of a botched wisdom teeth removal, saying, "When I was in the hospital, I had four wisdom teeth and two were taken out and they'd gotten it really badly wrong."

Don't worry though, she's fine now, saying, "It was really blown out of proportion, so it's kind of silly now to be talking about it because I'm so fine now, but it was really just a bad time for me. It was sort of one of those things that was like a perfect storm. Everything happened at once." 

Totally sounds familiar. I remember one day in high school when I had a math test and basketball practice on the same day. Also, earlier in the week I had a cavity filled at the dentist and then my ankle had kind of been annoying me, so, naturally, I wound up on PSYCHIATRIC FUCKING HOLD

But I'm fine now. Totally blown out of proportion. "Psychiatric Hold" might as well mean nap-time, because it's that innocent and so nothing. In fact, I could've been on psychiatric hold this morning and not even realized it. Shrug. No big deal.

Pirates Of The Caribbean 4...yep...

jack-sparrow-wikipedia.JPGJohnny Depp, who was once quirky and slightly mysterious, has not been the particular and peculiar movie star he was once in some time. At Walt Disney Company's D23 Convention, Depp showed up in full Captain Jack Sparrow gear to do character schtick and promote the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean film that's already in the works, according to The Los Angeles Times

The first film was downright incredible and glorious fun. The second film was pretty good, though it had its really stupid moments. The third film had some cool things, but also a lot of hip mumbo-jumbo that didn't exactly fly. The characters grew weaker, not stronger, which is a terrible problem in a trilogy. 

The fourth film in the Pirates franchise is supposedly titled Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. However, it will probably not feature Kiera Knightly (lame) but it may include some steam punk themes (rad). As fun as an adventure of Sparrow and Barbossa searching for the Fountain of Youth may sound, character spin-offs in franchises don't usually work out. The momentum in the franchise sails have ultimately died off, it seems, and this would be like putting a motor in the water and calling it classic sailing. 

I think producer Jerry Bruckheimer is seriously pushing it too hard. Up until the Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise came along, Bruckheimer's previously highest-grossest film was Beverly Hills Cop in 1984. And, when it comes to sequels and schtick, Bruckheimer should remember critic Roger Ebert's line from the review of Beverly Hills Cop II: "What is comedy? That's a pretty basic question, I know, but Cop II never thought to ask it."

Maybe the moral of all this is that Jerry Bruckheimer should not be a total douche.

Everyone Suddenly Hates Ellen

ellen-degeneres.jpgI may just be me, but I feel like you have to put some serious effort into hating Ellen DeGeneres. I can't think of another celebrity that may be harder to just...hate. Be annoyed with, sure, I can see that, but hating Ellen DeGeneres just seems beyond impossible. I think she's great and has a rare quality in being who she is as a celebrity: she's just nice (and modest, funny and generally interested in people). To me, Ellen is like this really funny neighbor or friend of your parents who you're always excited to see stop by. She's not exactly your friend and you're quite sure what she's doing these days, but you really just like hearing her talk and joke.

However, I am not the music industry. And the music industry suddenly hates Ellen.

According to Rolling Stone, a "handful of the bigggest record labels" are suing The Ellen DeGeneres Show for using hundreds (possibly over a thousand) of songs without gaining permission or broadcast copyrights during Ellen's various dancing sequences. Apparently, representatives were curious as to why the show didn't simply just ask if they could use the songs for mindless dancing, and the members of The Ellen DeGeneres Show's production team told the labels that they didn't "roll that way."

The twist is that the papers for the lawsuit were filed the very same day that Ellen was announced as the newest judge for American Idol.

It seems like Ellen periodically just gets slapped with crap. She got crap for coming out as a lesbian, she got crap for when she gave a dog to her hairdresser, she got crap when she crossed the WGA picket line to save her show and, most recently, she got crap for being the new judge on American Idol.

The only ironic thing is, among this crazy massive music industry lawsuit, what would probably make Ellen the happiest is dancing to fun songs, but, if she does that, she'll be sued by the exact forces that are making her unhappy. It's quite the quandary.

[Photo Credit]

Timothy Dalton Found Work! And It's Toy Story 3!

timothy-dalton-wikipedia-bond.jpgTimothy Dalton has signed on for a role in Toy Story 3. He was last scene being sly in the film Hot Fuzz.

Movie News from Empire: Dalton will voice Mr. Pricklepants, a hedgehog toy with thespian tendencies. How he fits into the story, we're not sure (could he be the story's villain?), but if Dalton is allowed to keep his accent, he will be the first Brit to grace the Toy Story franchise, unless you count Andi Peters' cameo in Toy Story 2. But we don't. We really, really don't. And neither should you.

See, Timothy Dalton has always been kind of pretty awesome. Sure, he wasn't the best Bond, and maybe not even in the top three. In fact, he probably would've been a better Bond villain. But, anyway, come on...remember The Rocketeer? Remember how dope he was as the villain in that? Just, everyone, look...give Timothy Dalton a job. He's so awesome and underappreciated. He'll probably sweep out your rain gutters better than you ever could and he'd probably have something funny to say afterwards. I included a really cool photo of him at the top just to remind you that you want to be his friend.

 

Katherine Heigl Is Adopting A Girl From Korea

katherine-heigl-wikipedia-small.jpgKatherine Heigl is adopting a girl from Korea. Now, this wound seem normal if Heigl hadn't shown outbursts of crazy in the past, but the problem is that Heigl just isn't mature to be a mother.

Just look at this quote from MSNBC: "My sister [Meg] is Korean," Heigl explained months ago, when the adoption process started. "My parents adopted her in the '70s. I just grew up that way and she's one of my bestest friends and she's my sister, too, and I just felt like I kind of want that in my family, too."

*sigh*

Hiegl used the word "bestest." Like a turd. God, she's 30, not 13.

I think she's slowly deevolving, as Hollywood continually turns their back on her. She bad-mouths everyone she works for. She got her "in" with mainstreamers because of Shonda Rhimes, who created Grey's Anatomy, and then Heigl talked shit on the writing staff of the show. Later, she scored an "in" with off-beaters because of her starring role in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up, but later called the film sexist and narrow-minded.

As Hollywood comes to realize she's a pain in the ass, she'll start spending more time with her daughter and raise her to become Heigl's new "bestest" friend. They'll stay up late, eating ice cream and giggling, watching television after hours and sharing secrets in a tree house they'll build together. What Heigl is doing is the closest thing a person can do to raising their own friend without understanding (mad/weird) science.

Kurt Cobain Lives On As An Avatar (And Nobody Is Happy About It)

This is the silly video of avatar Kurt Cobain singing Bon Jovi, acting super into it, which...he never even did for Nirvana songs. They make Cobain seem like he's an American Idol contestant. 

In Guitar Hero 5, Kurt Cobain makes an appearance as an avatar. But the problem here is that nobody in charge of Cobain's likeness admits to agreeing to it.

Especially not Courtney Love who is bat-shit crazy and pissed.

According to Rolling Stone, Courtney Love went to her Twitter to blame Dave Grohl, ranting, "you can assrape dave he was always a bad seed and is stillriding the shit while i take bullets if theres a hell hes going. im not."

However, I went to her Twitter and realized that she ranted for two hours, speaking almost in tongue. The whole thing is basically a lengthy essay of rambling hate squished into Twitter (which only allows 140 characters at a time). Why she didn't just release a full statement is beyond me. Instead, she just went ape-shit in spurts. Imagine leaving angry and bitter messages on a voicemail that only records 10 seconds a time. Basically, what Courtney Love has done here is hitting redial for two straight hours and yelling.

Here are some entertaining ones (I've pieced together certain tweets so they make slightly more sense):

- BLAMING ME FOR SOMETHING I DID NOT DO I AM TRYONG TO FUCKING TELL YOU REPUBLICAN CONSERVATIVE ATTORNEY GENERALS WTF IS UP!

- why teh fuck activision has a fucking moving avatar i made sure i had some rights, i have been screaming at you

- we have NOTHING to do with this it was presented to me and oi said "show me a better avataR" TO DRAG MY HEELS., never did i intend on allowing GUITARHERO for me or for Kurt i am NOT yoko fucking Ono no ofense to her, but i am a different person entirely and this is insane

- NOW WILL YOU FUCKING LISTEN OR DO YOU NEED MORE? i saw a piece of the avatar on the nightly news i actually had to vomit but ive been alone fighting fighting fighting and studying and forensic accounting with very few alliances as my own counsel has forged documents and 54 forged

- activision know this aos very very bad press indeed wait til you see what MY lovely lawyer has cooked up, i never ever signed off on this

- Kurt KABINE Courtney LOVECOBAIN MICHELLE HARRISON TONYAMALLOW NICHOLAS ACCOSTA hes a land developer hes not dead. CHINESE TO YOU JOCKBOY? oh so IM RANTING? i have documents that ive spent every penny on do not EVER underate maternal insitinct ever!

- they have NO ACCOUNTIBILTY because jock boys like this ass on tv is too busy using the front woman for Kurts bulletts hes so smug

 - now i am done ranting, you assholes, listento the foo foghters and jist know that despite all his moneygrohl has foinanced his porperties KC

- Christs Bones, when will you get that no matter your opinion of me being a "rock bitch" i am a decent and hardwoirking mother and person,fine im a bitch, whatevr, i am quite a BITCH an dproud of it frankly but that does not make me impentrable to the fact id take a bullet for my mother and sisters in law and id send a bullettintp a crazed megalamaniac bunch of pld fucks to protect my daughter

She's so gnar. This is the defense of a person with a bloody knife in their hand. Well, let's just see how crazy the other side is.

In a statement sent to Rolling Stone, a rep for Dave Grohl replies, "Activision is responding to queries regarding the usage of Kurt Cobain's likeness in Guitar Hero 5 with the following statement 'Guitar Hero secured the necessary licensing rights from the Cobain estate in a written agreement signed by Courtney Love to use Kurt Cobain's likeness as a fully playable character in Guitar Hero 5.' Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl, the two surviving members of Nirvana, have no say whatsoever in the usage of Kurt Cobain's likeness."

Wow. It's not randomly in CAPS LOCK. Well, I may not be a judge, but I think we should listen to these two. Or...a main figure at Activision, like Tim Riley. "Courtney supplied us with photos and videos and knew exactly what she wanted Kurt to look like," Riley told Rolling Stone. "She picked the wardrobe and hair style, which turned out to be the 'Teen Spirit' look, then we went back and forth over changes -- some subtle, some not so subtle... She was actually great to work with. She got back with comments pretty quickly."

Two things about Courtney love's rant on Twitter:

1) She used the phrase "Christ's Bones," which is pretty awesome. I feel like I found a priceless ruby in a pile of elephant dung.

2) If she had used less capital letters and talked more about jazz, that whole thing could've been a kooky scene from Jack Keruoac. Her stream-of-consciousness turned into a raging-river-of-overly-unaware. Still close though. Where's Neal Cassady when you need him?

The O.C. Register Is Outrageously Thoughtless

ocregister-logo.gifOn Monday, sportswriter Mark Whicker, columnist for The O.C. Register, wrote what, The Huffington Post called "the single most tasteless sports column in the history of the written language. Yes, on Labor Day, Whicker decided to use Jaycee Dugard's recent release from her tragic and traumatizing 18-year-long abduction as the starting point of his column.

The opening of the column:

It doesn't sound as if Jaycee Dugard got to see a sports page. Box scores were not available to her from June 10, 1991 until Aug. 31 of this year.

She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably hasn't high-fived in a while.

She was not allowed to spike a volleyball. Or pitch a softball. Or smack a forehand down the line. Or run in a 5-footer for double bogey.

Now, that's deprivation.

The article continues to essentially be a list of sports highlights of the past two decades. And then this was the closing line of the column:

Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard.

Whicker has now called the piece a "lapse in professionalism," which, so far, could be considered the biggest understatement in 2009. There's no joke here, but you can read the  column and his apology here.

 

"Cruelty Doesn't Fly" Doesn't Fly...At All

pam-anderson-airport-video.jpgPamela Anderson and PETA have once again joined forces to screw everything up with good intentions and a general misunderstanding of how message-advertising works. While it is commendable that they are working towards no fur, no leather and no animal skins in clothing, the only way for any advertisement to work is by:

1) Not having it be so weird and flashy that it overshadows the bigger message.

2) People actually seeing it.

The commercial was supposed to debut tomorrow in all three New York area airports. However, according to Examiner (where you can watch the video and realize just how stupid it is), the CNN Airport Network has banned the advertisement called "Cruelty Doesn't Fly," which depicts Pamela Anderson working for sexy airport secrurity, stripping down anyone who has any fur, leather or animal skin for clothing. Now, this is a creative idea, but then, along the process of making the commercial, they decided to make it ultra-sexy (borderline erotic, with actual nudity) and include dance music. Also, proving to always be hip and relevant, the PETA commercial also includes Steve-O (shirtless) and Andy Dick (sporting a "I'm With Stupid" shirt). Yes, PETA, way to show everyone that you're with the times.

PETA, your heart is in the right place, but your brain is totally missing. It's unbelievable that PETA has yet to figure out how to exist without extremes. All they had to do was get the word out that clothing shouldn't include fur and leather and instead they make a video that Kim Kardashian would be smart enough to not touch.

To refresh your memory on just how terrible PETA is at making sane and rational decisions when it comes to advertising, four years back, they released a campaign called "Are Animals The New Slaves?" and compared animals to black slaves before the NAACP pointed out just how effin' insensitive it all was and PETA agreed to shut it down.

There has to be at least one sane person there on the advertising team whose ideas are constantly turned down before the crazies get on-board their own train.

"Ok, everyone, we need to save the turles," says advertisement director Rick.

"Why don't we show a beautiful video collection of turtles swimming freely in clear, clean water? Maybe we could put some important facts in there too. I think it could be really vibrant and subtle, but also get the point across," says Kevin.

"Kevin, just...shut up, will ya? How is that going to help? We need to make a video that everyone will want to watch, not some lazy, boring video of stupid turtles swimming," replies Rick.

"I got it!" yells Mary. "We'll make a video where it shows two underage boys, one is being mean to turtles on the beach and the other boy lectures the mean kid, and then Pamela Anderson comes out from the water in a bikini, strips down and has actual on-screen sex with the nice boy! It'll be shocking because there's nudity and the boy is underage, so everyone will talk about the commercial, and then it'll show that Pamela Anderson will have sex with anyone who doesn't harm animals!"

"Will she really have sex with anyone who doesn't harm animals?" Rick asks excitedly.

Mary shrugs.

"That's brilliant!" exlaims Rick.

*sigh*

Seriously, it doesn't seem that far off to believe that PETA will soon want to show that fishing is torture someday, but instead of providing facts and a well-reasoned argument, they'll instead release a video (directed by Don Hertzfeldt and Chris Cunningham) of fish stabbing fishermen in the face with industrial music blasting and a siren or a strobe light flashing on the beach. Following the fishermen's murders, the clay-mation fish will all start speaking in a language that no one understands, screaming at each other (angry and excited), before finally all looking at the camera and simultaneously speaking in terrifyingly deep voices, repeating "WE ARE THE FUTURE." Then they'll rape the fishermen, laughing and telling the dead fishermen that this is what they get for killing the ocean. And then, for no reason at all, Pamela Anderson will come out and say, "Protect our natural habitats. Please. Or I'll kill the next child I see fishing."

I swear, every advertisement PETA does is like something from German expressionism. They should just lose the pretense and hire Mike Myers to direct their commercials as Dieter from Sprockets and let GWAR make an appearance.

[Photo Credit]

Jennifer Aniston Still Knows Everything About Love

jennifer-aniston-wikipedia-small.jpgJennifer Aniston is, once again, as always (as it's seemingly never-ending), talking about love. The whole continuous downward spiral is featured in the upcoming issue of Australia's Harper's Bazaar:

["I'm still a romantic. I still believe in love," the 40-year-old says when asked by the publication if her sad relationship history has made her cynical.]

Let's see, this "sad relationship history" includes dating the actors Vince Vaughn, Gerard Butler, Bradley Cooper, musician John Mayer, model Paul Sculfor and a marriage to sexiest man ever Brad Pitt.

To refer to yourself as a self-assigned "poster girl for loneliness" (which she has done previously) is total insanity, Miss Aniston. It's just total unruly, unbounded, helpless madness.

That's like me dating actresses Rachel McAdams, Natalie Portman, Jessica Biel, musician Norah Jones, model Marisa Miller and being married to Angelina Jolie, and, at the end of all of it, saying, "You know, I just wish my relationship history wasn't so lonely and pathetic. Well, at least masturbation is still something to do while watching television. Maybe I'll get a dog."

And then, also in the article, is relationship lessons from Aniston! After she whines about her sad relationship history and keeps talking about feelings like an eighth grader who just broke up with her first boyfriend of four days, she actually gives readers advice about love.

["I think it's laziness. I really do. I think a good relationship is about collaboration. That's the way to go in a relationship, Aniston says, insightfully.]

Insightfully? Are you kidding me? Are you all mentally ill at Harper's Bizarre (zing)? I'm sure, somewhere in the article, sometime later, Aniston says, "You know, the best way to serve ice cream is cold. I mean...it just doesn't work if it's served hot. And it can messy when you're eating ice cream in the heat." Aniston tells it like the Dalai Lama, so honest and true.

It's amazing to me that the only person more annoying than the character Rachel Green in the 1990s is Jennifer Aniston a decade later. And, one day, Jennifer Aniston may go down in Hollywood history as the most delusional, romanticized female since Norma Desmond from Sunset Blvd.

"Sex And The City 2" Will Probably Suck

SATC-newyorkdailynews.jpgRandom details and rumors have been circling the upcoming Sex And The City sequel. According to the New York Daily News, these include an elaborate wedding ceremony, with possible appearances from Liza Minnelli and Miley Cyrus and marital problems for Carrie and Big because of money issues (which will probably have something to do with the tanking economy, just to be topical).

This sequel's gonna suck, and I say that as an avid fan of the television series. The first movie was decent at best, with some pros (demonizing the loveable Steve was pretty bold and Charlotte being a bad-ass at some point) and cons (Carrie having the same problems with Big, Miranda still being an intense cynic, Samantha always being unable to commit to just one good man, Charlotte's continuous inability to be a normal functioning adult, and well, just the entire lack of character development altogether). Also, the first film had Carrie's dreadfully unbearable lines, "Will I ever laugh again?" and comparing her wedding disaster to a funeral.

The series was well-written, the storylines were well-structured and the characters had were able to develop as people but able to fall back on habits and vices. But the movie wasn't made to do any of this. It was made for money and curiosity. The movie had all of the misinformed flaws and misguided assumptions that non-viewers of the series made the show. To keep the integrity of the series (which wrapped up so perfectly with every character), the movies don't need to be made and now the sequel just sounds like one long, inane string of pop culture gimmicks.

This movie series has the possibility of lapsing into the Land Before Time trap, where everyone just gives up and makes one after another with more specifics. Look for the 2012 film Sex And The City: Should We Reelect Obama? In it:

- Carrie and Big fight over party lines (she's a wacky liberal and he's a staunch conservative),

- Miranda cynical evaluates Obama's presidency as a failure (at one point or another going on a long-winded rant)

- Samantha sleeps with pundits while offering up throwaway one-liners and culturally inept opinions (such as "I always vote for the president who I think has the biggest dick, and he's black, so I, going along with stereotypes, say yes, he should be reelected")

- Charlotte won't know who to vote for in 2012 and will have a mental breakdown inside the voting booth where she will ultimately poop herself.

[Photo Credit]

Lady Gaga Was A Coke/Cure Fiend

lady-gaga-wikipedia-small.jpgAt some point, Lady Gaga was a cokehead who loved The Cure. Does this surprise anyone that she used to abuse drugs and listen to a band with a singer that has done himself up all goofy for the last two decades? I mean, I love The Cure as well as goofball Robert Smith, but...I don't know, the lipstick at his age is reaching a stressed point of awkwardness.

Anyway, according to The Hollywood Gossip, Lady Gaga dropped out of college and lived with her parents for a while. Her dad caught her and made her stop. So, then, to rebel in a new way, she began wearing the stupidest outfits imaginable.

At this point, if it came down to the coke or the outfits, the nudity and the moronic things she in interviews, her father may just prefer the drug habit.

It's like the movie Big or a Disney Channel made-for-tv-movie gone wrong. Lady Gaga's like some child whose mother allows her to wear whatever she wants to school. Somehow, after making a wish to be a grown-up, the girl magically wakes up as a rock star in her 20s. And to trick everyone into believing that she's an adult, she looks up every mental disorder and tells everyone her life's been rough, which is why she acts so childish. But, soon, she believes everything she says and loses her mind. So she indulges in mindless sex and other outrageous and fiendish habits, and...you know, I'm not really sure where I was going will of this, but the movie would ultimately end kind of like that scene towards the end of Boogie Nights when Mark Wahlberg is masturbating in a truck for a few bucks in an abandoned parking lot.

Things Actually Just Got Worse For Annie Leibovitz

    annie-leibovitz-momentb.jpgAnnie Leibovitz has had financial troubles recently. And by "recently," I mean that you can either click here for yesterday's post or just scroll down to learn that she owes $24 million to Art Capitol Group (a company that issues loans against fine and decorative arts and real estate). Her deadline is today, and she put up "her three Greenwich Village homes and her entire collection of work as collateral," according to the New York Times.

See how bad things are for Annie Leibovitz?

Well, they just got worse.

Leibovitz is being sued by Italian photographer and cool-name-haver Paolo Pizzetti. He says that Leibovitz used photographs that he took in April 2008 for her involvement in an advertising campaign for Lavazza Coffee. He is, of course, not only looking for the court order to stop the use of his photographs but also looking for monetary damages.

I'm speechless. I really am. It's not like Annie Leibovitz was always in the news for purchasing radical and inane things or spending her money like a crazy person. Also, judging from her career over the last three decades, she appears to be quite intelligent.

I don't know. I'm just going to let the Brisbane Times take it away:

How a photographer who commands annual fees from the Conde Nast magazine group in the region of $2 million and can earn $100,000 a day for advertising work reached this position has become the subject of intense conjecture among New York's art and fashion communities. As The New York Times asked: ''If Annie Leibovitz can't make it in New York, who can?''

[Photo Credit] - The picture belongs to John Keatley. I chose his work because I can cite the copyright. By the end of today, I can't cite Annie Leibovitz as a copyright and Art Capitol Group just sounds cold.

Lindsay Lohan Believes In Karma (And Others Believe In Her)

lindsay-lohan-wikipedia-small.jpgLindsay Lohan recently made a mindless Twitter post. It's not that the comment was stupid or careless. It was just a very nothing post. It could've been "making a sandwich!" or "has anyone seen my shoes? or my career?"

But, according to the Indian Express, what she wrote was, "i'm all about Karma...what goes around comes around!"

That's it. Nothing big, nothing special.

This, of course, has the philosophical depth of Britney Spears writing, "Jesus is cool" or Jessica Simpson saying "Having faith is the best!"

However, for whatever insane reason, Hindu statesmen Rajan Zed has taken this seriously and wants to support her interests, urging Lohan to visit a nearby Hindu temple to have firsthand experience of Hinduism.

Now, Rajan Zed is the president of the Universal Society of Hinduism and holds several other respected religious and political positions in Nevada. He also has also been given numerous awards and sought out endless campaigns of change in the world. I'm not going to get into it all, as he's done too much. The point is...this man is of deep faith and intellect. Why he wants Lohan in or even near a temple is crazy to me.

But what's most baffling is why he took Lohan's comments so seriously. And then it hit me. It's a trap. It absolutely fucking has to be. Otherwise, I don't know what to believe anymore. Here's what I think Lindsay Lohan would like if she were to visit a Hindu temple...demon-lohan.jpg [Photo Credit] 

Matt Damon Had The MOST FUN Working Experience

matt-damon-informant.jpgAccording to People Magazine, Matt Damon told reporters at the Venice Film Festival yesterday that it was easy and fun to gain the necessary 30 pounds for his upcoming movie The Informant!, where he also sports glasses, a mustache and a hairpiece.

"It was very, very easy to gain the weight," said Damon. "It was very, very fun, probably the funnest time I had working because I didn't have to go to the gym after work and I just ate everything I could see."

The big news here is that "funnest" is still not proper English. While Matt Damon is famous and may seem like a generally cool guy, that doesn't excuse his improper language. Just so you know, kids. Knowledge is power!

Also, The Informant! looks awesome.

[Photo Credit]

Maybe The Most Surprising Film At Sundance...Ever

precious-wikipedia.jpgA film adaptation of author Sapphire's novel Push is scoring very positive feedback from Sundance.

This is nothing short of incredible, seeing as how the book dealt with incest, rape and HIV, and the movie version (called Precious, as to avoid confusion with the super lackluster hero movie Push) stars Mariah Carey and Mo'Nique.

Yes. You read that correctly.

If you're somehow forgetting, Mariah Carey starred in Glitter and Mo'Nique was in Phat Girlz, and both of those movies were more unwatchable than a snuff filmBut, yes, Mariah Carey and Mo'Nique were the two selected to carefully play a social worker and a mother in a movie that deals with incest, rape and HIV.

The only film that would be more surprising to receive rave reviews would be if the girls from The Hills and the guys from the reality series Tool Academy starred in a film adaptation of Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses or...just about anything by Thomas Pynchon.

Or...maybe Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers doing a musical film version of James Joyce's Ulysses. That would be...I can't even fathom what I would do if something like that received good publicity. I just know that the rapture would soon follow.

Selena Gomez: Disney's Little Diplomat

selena-gomez-good-ghana.jpgUNICEF has named Selena Gomez (from the Disney series Wizards of Waverly Place) as the youngest ambassador in the United States. I was going to make a joke here, but then I read a quote by Gomez, who is in Ghana this week. "Every day, 25,000 children die from preventable causes. I stand with UNICEF in the belief that we can change that number from 25,000 to zero," the starlet told the Press Trust of India (so you know it's serious).

And then I realized she is easily the most well-intentioned and well-spoken member of the "teenagempire." This kingdom, of course, includes Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Lindsay Lohan, though long-banished from the realm, still probably hangs just outside the castle walls, drinking old jugs of rum and singing sailor songs she made in between sailors she's made.

Heyooooooooooooo! Shtick! Hummana-hummana-hummana!

[Photo Credit]

David Hasselhoff as...David Hasselhoff! And featuring...the Berlin Wall!

david-hasselhoff-wikipedia-small.jpgDavid Hasselhoff is returning to Germany in honor of the 20th Anniversary of the Berlin Wall being torn down. Apparently, according to People Magazine, Hasselhoff sang his ever-classic "Looking For Freedom" to a million people there at the celebration in 1989.

This is, of course...stupid, as David Hasselhoff has made a very clunky career out of playing David Hasselhoff for the last decade. Why the Germans still love him enough to return for something as important as the Berlin Wall anniversary is so far beyond me that it's almost in front of me. At least Hasselhoff was doing the first season of Baywatch when the Berlin Wall fell.

The Berlin Wall circa 1989 is like David Hasselhoff's career in 2009. It should've fallen years ago and hit the ground long ago, and it's baffling and almost an injustice to human rights that it hasn't already.

Annie Leibovitz (And America) Is So Screwed

annie-leibovitz-wikipedia-small.jpgAccording to The Associated Press, Annie Leibovitz may lose the copyrights to her catalog of work, because she has yet to pay off the $24 million debt she owes Art Capitol Group. How the hell does something like this happen?

Well, either way, this news is pretty important for two reasons:

1) It seems that almost any time an American says, "That's a really cool picture. Who took that?", the answer ends up being "Annie Leibovitz" or someone just says it is.

2) Annie Leibovitz is the only photographer that the average American has been able to name off-hand since Ansel Adams.

Leibovitz has worked extensively for Rolling Stone, Vogue and Vanity Fair. And, it is, of course, totally incorrect, but a fair attitude is to assume that any iconic picture of a celebrity taken in the last 30 years has been Leibovitz's work. Sure, sometimes, you'll be wrong, but you'll also be right a lot of times. And what are you going to do? Research photographers of the last three decades? No, come on, just say you thought it was Annie Leibovitz's work and act like you know what you're talking about. Who's really going to on Google just to prove you wrong at a dinner party? Tell them that they're acting as scandalous as the title character Lolita from Vladimir Nabokov's 1955 internationally acclaimed novel. That will shut them up and make you seem like...I don't know, the cat's pajamas, or the cat's meow, or the cat's hiccup, or something. Look, all I know is that this is your time to shine!

In other news, TMZ is telling everyone that Leibovitz is responsible for Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run cover. She's not. That picture was taken by photographer Eric Meola. However, Leibovitz is responsible for Springsteen's Born In The U.S.A. cover. Yes, you read it here first that TMZ is wrong.

In other other news, Bruce Springsteen's catalog still thoroughly rules.

Chris Brown Continues To Be The Most Insensitive & Ignorant Man/Boy Alive

  chris-brown-wikipedia-small.jpgYou idiot. You scatterbrainless moron. Chris Brown, you may be the most thoughtless, dumbest person...ever.

If you haven't heard, Chris Brown is annoyed with Oprah for using her television program to showcase the wrongs of domestic abuse and not utilizing it to save Chris Brown's career after beating up his girlfriend. But what my big problem with Chris Brown right now is...man, how stupid are you, Chris Brown?

Dude, I know you were, like...12 or so when it happened, but in 2001, novelist and essayist Jonathan Franzen had his ultra-acclaimed book The Corrections selected for Oprah's Book Club. Franzen, however, suggested that he might a little uneasy about being on the list. Around that time, Franzen told Powells, "The problem in this case is some of Oprah's picks. She's picked some good books, but she's picked enough schmaltzy, one dimensional ones that I cringe, myself, even though I think she's really smart and she's really fighting the good fight." Those mild-mannered off-hand comments got Franzen banned from Oprah show, so she could talk about what a jerk he was. They later fixed everything (and, by that, I of course mean that Franzen apologized endlessly until Oprah forgave him). All he did was suggest that Oprah had read a bad book or two. You beat up a woman, guy.

And now, let me get this straight...you're surprised that Oprah, who is the all-powerful (and loves rallying up women) media giant, took Rihanna's side in a domestic abuse case. You're telling all of us that you're stunned that Oprah (or anyone) is taking Rihanna's side in something that's not even an argument (seeing as how Brown pleaded guilty to felony charges of assault).

Again, let's clear the record here: you, a celebrity, beat up your girlfriend, also a celebrity, senseless and sent her to the hospital. Later, you pleaded guilty. And then you went on Larry King Live and tried to make the whole violent episode seem cute and poetic by comparing your relationship with Rihanna to Romeo And Juliet (for those of you who haven't read any of Shakespeare's work, Romeo never punches Juliet repeatedly). And now, after all of this insanity, you go on Oprah's show and feel like you got a raw deal because Oprah thinks that beating women is wrong.

You actually suggested to People Magazine (who also hates you, by the way), "She could have been more helpful, like, 'OK, I'm going to help both of these people out.' "

Chris Brown, I have to ask, are you...delusional, or are you just really, really, really that stupid? Why the hell would Oprah help you out? Because you performed at her school in Africa? Dude, you hit a famous woman repeatedly. Listen, man, just because I donate blood every once in a while doesn't mean I get to cut off the hands of strippers. In what world of insanity are you living?

I don't know if you know this, but...if she wanted to, Oprah could stab you to death on her show and she would not only get away with it, but she would ultimately be praised. That's how powerful she is. She's like a goddess with a television show. Imagine Storm from X-Men having a podcast. Ok, well, Oprah having a television show is ten times more powerful. Think about that, you jerk.

According to the San Jose Mercury News, Brown also said, "I commend Oprah on being like, 'This is a problem,' but it was a slap in my face." No, you inept loser, what you did to Rihanna was more along the lines of a slap in the face.

Ha! Burn.

Ok, I'm sure every other news outlet is making jokes like that (though domestic abuse is not a joke), but I had to. I mean, Chris Brown totally sucks. Have you heard "Shawty Get Loose?" What an asshole.

George Clooney Stares At Goats. I Stare At My Navel.


This is an amazing trailer - it actually made my day. The film is comprised of an unbelievable cast including George Clooney, Ewan MacGregor, Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges. It looks like they've all been let loose to chew the scenery - as each was born to do. This movie looks freakin' fantastic. I can't wait! 

On a personal note I just want to thank everyone for tuning in to PLP. I strive to keep this site full of humorous commentary about celebrities and they crazy things they do. It's not about me, but I do want to apologize for the shaky coverage recently. As some of you know, I'm struggling with a family member who is terminally ill. It's difficult to have the energy to blog after spending the morning at the hospital (such as was the case today) - much less finding the energy to be funny. That said, I'm doing my best to keep up with things while trying (and probably failing) at being a good family member. Jake Kilroy (from the fabulous site Fake Book Covers) will be backing me up soon to help ensure that the continuity and quality of the site continues. I'm in this for the long haul and I hope you are too! In the meantime, thanks for the understanding and support. 

Levi Johnston Keeps Nailin' Palin

Thumbnail image for levi-johnston-with-sarah-palin-and-trip.jpgWho would have thought the teenaged baby daddy would turn out to be the ultimate fly in the ointment for Sarah Palin? Levi Johnston has been loving his freedom - and he mainly uses it to run off at the mouth about how awful Sarah allegedly can be. Details

["Even before she was nominated, there wasn't much parenting in that house," he says. "Sarah doesn't cook, Todd doesn't cook - the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. Most of the time Bristol would help her youngest sister with her homework, and I'd barbecue chicken or steak on the grill."

Palin often complained that her job as governor was "too hard," according to Johnston, and after spending a couple weeks of being gloomy about losing the vice presidency, she focused on making money instead of the needs of Alaskans.

"Sarah was sad for a while. She walked around the house pouting," Johnston says. "A week or two after she got back she started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make 'triple the money.' She would blatantly say, 'I want to just take this money and quit being governor.' "

The bid for the White House went to the head of the woman from Wasilla, Johnston adds, saying Palin would say things like, "I brought everything to the table" and "the majority of people were out there voting because of me!" "She definitely thought she was running for president," he says.

Palin's ambition for higher office also affected the family's plans for Bristol and Johnston's baby, he says. The governor suggested that she and husband Todd could adopt her daughter's baby and keep his real parentage a secret.

"That way, she said, Bristol and I didn't have to worry about anything," Johnston says. "Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging - she wouldn't give up. She would say, 'So, are you gonna let me adopt him?' I think Sarah wanted to make Bristol look good, and she didn't want people to know that her 17-year-old daughter was going to have a kid."]

Looks like the old adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" has come true. It seems Palin should have been kinder to her daughter's ex-boyfriend - or at least opened that pocketbook a lot wider.

My Sense Of Reality Has Just Been Compromised

tori-spelling-dean-mcdermott-star-mag-cvr.jpgStar Magazine must be scraping for stories this week - or the staff must have dug up an old issue and then gone on vacation. The upcoming cover features Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott; the inside details how their marriage is a sham. What a shocker. I thought their union was rock-solid, based on true love and mutual attraction. A fairy tale if there ever was one! Learning that Dean is in it only for the money and fame? What's next - learning there's no Santa Claus? Tori and Dean were my touchstone of reality. Disappointing details

["There is no question Dean is with Tori for the money and the fame," Michael Olifiers, an actor who's been friends with Dean for years, tells Star in a world exclusive interview. "Dean's always been desperate to become famous. He craved being in the spotlight and Tori's his ticket to that life." But he didn't always have kind words for the woman who became his wife and mother of his two children. The night before Dean left to film Mind Over Murder in 2005, he fired off a barrage of cruel barbs aimed at Tori, says Michael. "I can't believe I have to kiss her," Dean joked. "She looks like a horse!"

Yet once the then-married Dean met Tori, who was a newlywed herself, all that changed -- he dumped his wife Mary Jo Eustace and began scheming to latch onto Tori's fame and fortune. As her mega-rich father Aaron Spelling lay dying, Dean forced Tori to not make him sign a prenup. But when the legendary TV producer passed away a month after they married, Tori discovered she hadn't inherited the multi-millions she was expecting. "Dean was livid," says Michael. Today, the couple earn a living from their Oxygen reality show and "exploiting their relationship," says Michael. "They do everything and anything to make money from their fame."]

Now I'll have to grope for a new couple to hold up as an ode to the sanctity of marriage and unconditional love. Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart, I'm looking to you. What? Damn. Try and try again...

[Star Magazine Cover]

Man, I'm Dying To See Those Photos!

lindsay_lohan_skinny_bitch_t_shirt.jpgNothing says "sexy" like a prematurely aged Lindsay Lohan in the nude - and, if the trio who allegedly burglarized her home get their way, that's exactly what we'll be seeing soon! I'm getting excited just thinking about it - not. Some details for you

[When Lindsay Lohan was robbed, we knew something was up. She was frantic over the robbery and even said that the thief made off with some videos and photos. We've just learned that the photos that were in the safe were of a sexual nature and also featured LiLo in X-rated poses with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. A spy close to Lindsay said, "Lindsay admitted there were girly poses of her and Sam, scantily clad. Other photos showed her in compromising poses were pornographic, but she kept repeating how she'd been absolutely frantic... She seemed super-worried -- acting like some of the shots might be way over the line."]

The lesson here is a pretty simple one - don't take compromising photos of yourself (like, ever) - especially if you happen to be a celebrity. If you must take nude photos, but are concerned about the possibility of a leak (because that leak will happen), take them and then immediately delete them. It's easy - just ask Vanessa Hudgens

[Photo Credit: I couldn't resist.]

I Just Love Hearing About Trista Sutter's Vagina


Trista Sutter recently went on Good Day L.A. to chat about her choice of birth control, intimate details of her pregnancies and god knows what else because I tuned her out. Seriously, Essure must be paying her an assload of money. She's chatted it up in several magazine interviews and is now taking the opportunity to "spread the word" on national television. Why she has access to this platform is a complete mystery to me - but then again it's also a mystery as to how she's managed to hang on to Ryan this long. She must have something going that I'm not aware of - like a pheromone patch.

Okay, I'll Admit It - It Was Me


Fans got so crazy when they spotted the stars of Sex & The City that filming actually had to be shut down. I admit that I lead the charge - is that so wrong? I just wanted to chat with "Carrie" about fashion and how she's doing with Mr. Big. What? We're really close friends!

Julia Vs. Julia


Isn't Julia Roberts a bit past the point of having people jump at her every word? Apparently this has escaped her! Roberts is attempting to lambast former costar Julia Stiles for doing a spoof on the Green Movement. I'm sure Stiles is really scared! Bitchy deets

[Julia Roberts - a famously eco-conscious mother of three who uses flushable diapers, drove a Toyota Prius and even helped invent a "green" household cleaner - isn't laughing at her former Mona Lisa Smile's co-star's joke. "While Julia thinks Julia Stiles' heart is in the right place, she shouldn't make fun of others who are trying to help the environment," said the source. "Julia thinks her former co-star would be better off directing her humor at people who are trying to destroy the planet... not those helping it!"]

Yeah, god forbid someone have a sense of humor. 

Salma Got Naughty - And Not In A Fun Way

salma-hayek-main-wikipedia.jpgSalma Hayek has always seemed like a sweet person - but, as we've learned around here lately, things aren't always as they appear. Apparently being blessed with an enormous rack, an adorable baby and a billionaire hubby isn't enough for this talented actress - she also needs food, immediately if not sooner. Bitch is rolling like a true diva! Check it out

[From the celebrities are cranky like the rest of us category. Salma Hayek rolled up to the Chateau Marmont on Wednesday night and she was hungry. We're pretty sure she was VERY hungry because she wanted to eat at the restaurant but didn't have a reservation and the hostess couldn't seat her.

The beautiful actress was with a couple of girlfriends and when she realized the patio was full and the hostess wouldn't seat her Salma freaked out! She created a scene, yelling Spanish. We know because we were there and saw the whole thing with our Radar eyes. Unfortunately we must now admit that we never paid attention during high school Spanish class (yes, three years worth) because we have NO IDEA what Salma was yelling in Spanish. And no one had a Spanish-to-English dictionary handy either.

But we're pretty sure she wasn't yelling how happy she was and how much she loved the restaurant. The hostess tried to calm her down and said she could have the first available table. Even her girlfriends tried to calm her down. But Salma was steaming and then switched to complaining in English and didn't stop until a party left and she was seated.]

I guess waiting doesn't come into the equation when you've spent your entire adult life breathing rarified air. Give up your seats - here comes Queen Salma!

[Photo Credit: Salma takes over the hostess station in order to demand a table. She's got the serious business of eating on her mind!]

Guys Think It's Really Hot When You Drop Everything For Them

renee-zellweger-laughing-main-wikipedia.jpgYou know what's really sexy? A whiff of desperation combined with trying to morph yourself into perfection to fit your boyfriend's specifications as quickly as possible. Bradley Cooper wants "laid back" and Renee Zellweger is gonna give it to him, goddamnit. None of that clingy Jennifer Aniston bullshit for this gal. The latest Cooper/Zellweger rumor has them "moving in together." And by shacking up, I think they mean that Bradley has thoughtfully given Renee free reign over one of the bathrooms at his L.A. pad. This is modern romance, people. Details

["Bradley set up a bathroom in the house that Renée can call her own. It's stocked with her favorite candles, perfumes and makeup -- even pajamas and an electric toothbrush." The couple, who co-star in the upcoming Case 39, went public with their romance during dinner at Antonucci's in NYC on June 30. Renée also accompanied Bradley on a press trip to Barcelona for The Hangover, and shared a romantic getaway at San Ysidro Ranch in Santa Barbara on August 28. "They were all over each other," a source at the resort's Stonehouse restaurant tells Star. But until they move in to Bradley's West Coast pad, Renée will be joining her man in Vancouver, where he landed on August 31 to start filming The A-Team. "She's putting everything on hold to solidify her relationship with him," says a source.]

Well, it's not a diamond ring or confirmed pregnancy - but it's a sliver of commitment and Zellweger is allegedly going to drop everything to seize it. At least until Case 39 hits the theaters. 

[Photo Credit: Tee hee, I'm smarter than Aniston.]

Kate Hudson And The Speed Of Light

kate-hudson-arod-kissing.jpgI'm sure this news will come as a shock to no one - Kate Hudson is rumored to have moved into Alex Rodriguez's (aka A-Rod/A-Roid) New York City apartment. While I appreciate Kate's fly-by-night approach to life, I can't really get behind her desire to expose her son to every guy she's ever dated. Does anyone else think it might be a good idea for Hudson to slow down a bit? I think she needs a good dose of 'alone time' to figure out who she really is - but I don't think that's happening anytime soon. A few details

[Things are really heating up between Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez, so much so that she's reportedly already moved into his New York Apartment! Hudson is a serial dater, so we're not the least bit surprised that this relationship would move this fast, but moving in after just a couple months may not be the best idea--especially since there are kids involved. "Kate's always at his New York apartment, even on the days when he's on the road," a Rodriguez pal told In Touch magazine. "She's made herself quite comfortable in his life. She's met his oldest daughter and her son likes Alex," the friend said. "Kate has become very serious about him."]

Something about this doesn't seem built to last - but at least she got further with Rodriguez than Madonna. Madge is one tenacious bitch, so I guess Kate should feel proud...

[Photo Credit: That's one passionate smooch!]

Megan's Munchhausen

Thumbnail image for megan-fox-main-wikipedia-paris.jpgI knew we wouldn't be bereft of ridiculous claims from Megan Fox for very long. She's back in full-force to promote Jennifer's Body and, per usual, she's got a lot to say. This time she's finally revealed what most of us already suspected - girlfriend has got a frickin' screw loose. More

[The Transformers star admits she has struggled with mental health problems since her youth, and, although she hasn't been officially diagnosed, she is convinced she shows symptoms of the serious psychiatric condition, which often torments suffers with auditory hallucinations, paranoid delusions and social dysfunction. The 23 year old reveals she has spent years meticulously studying the life of movie legend Marilyn Monroe, who died of a drug overdose at the age of 36 - because she fears her own problems may lead her to a similar end. She tells Wonderland magazine, "I basically read every book ever written about Marilyn Monroe. I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I'm a borderline personality - or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven't pinpointed what it is."]

Whatever Megan is "struggling" with be rest assured that she got it first and has it worse than you. Yeah, I hear Munchhausen syndrome is a bitch. I have a Masters in Counseling Psychology so I feel confident in helping Fox pinpoint her mental problem - she's got a serious case of Idiocracy. Let's hope it's not fatal. 

[Photo Credit: A might pretty body for a bullshit factory.]

McScandal

Thumbnail image for eric-dane-rebecca-gayheart-couple-phoot.jpgThe squeaky-clean couple next door only goes skin deep - it's another alleged drug scandal for Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart. Dr. McSteamy is that and then some - he appears to be a full-fledged party animal! All of these naughty bits surfacing about the couple have taken place in the past (i.e. Rebecca in the bathtub with a crack pipe, the three-way "naked" tape and now the alleged cocaine use) - I'm not sure why all this is coming out now, but someone seems to have it in for them. Here are the latest details, via the National Enquirer. Yeah, our favorite go-to source is at it again! 

[Hot on the heels of their embarrassing sex-tape scandal, Grey's Anatomy Eric Dane and wife Rebecca Gayheart caught using cocaine, claims an eyewitness.

Only days after the video of the couple romping naked with a former Miss Teen USA was leaked on the Internet, a source alleged that he had seen the couple snorting cocaine at a Hollywood party.
The latest harrowing scandal also follows The ENQUIRER's publication of a shocking exclusive photo of Rebecca - showing the former Beverly Hills, 90210 star naked in a bathtub holding a crack pipe.

The Hollywood Hills cocaine party took place late last year, according to the source. 

Eric, 36 - who plays Dr. Mark "McSteamy" Sloan - arrived with 38-year-old Rebecca, according to the eyewitness, who passed a lie detector test about the claim.

"I think Eric and Rebecca were there to get high. It didn't take long before she asked where the coke was. They went into another room and started snorting lines of cocaine. I watched them do it.
They arrived in the afternoon and stayed well into the evening. Rebecca used to date one of the guys at the house. I'm sure she knew he had major drug connections."]

I guess they're ready to join the Hollywood fast-track. Nothing says "fame" like sex tapes and scandals. It appears the twenty-somethings have nothing on Eric and Rebecca. Move over Paris Hilton - there's a new game in town!

[Photo Credit: Not so innocent.]

Sucks For Keanu

karen-sala-keanu-reeves-seperate-pics.jpegDo you remember that crazy-sounding lady who claimed Keanu Reeves fathered one of her four children? No? Well, neither does Keanu. Apparently they were married - according to her - and she's still not ringing any bells in his memory. One would assume that all of this didn't happen - which is what we'll most likely be finding out shortly. Here are a few details, via Crazy Days & Nights

[For years and years Karen Sala has claimed that Keanu Reeves fathered one of her four children. She claims that at some point back in the day she and Keanu had a relationship and she got pregnant and now she wants him to support the child. How much support? How about $150K a month retroactive from 1988 when she said the child was born. Oh, and she also says the couple was married and so she wants spousal support to the tune of $3M a month retroactive from November 2006.

Karen Sala has wanted a Toronto court to order Keanu to provide a DNA sample so she can prove that he is the father of her baby. Keanu has been fighting it but yesterday Keanu said he would consent to the test just so she would get on with her life and so Keanu doesn't have to go through this anymore.]

I feel bad for Keanu. He's a sweet, low-key celeb who goes to great lengths to keep to himself. I'm sure he hates even having to acknowledge this situation, but the sooner he proves he truly has nothing to do with this woman the freer he'll be.

[Photo Credit: Karen and Keanu, sitting in a crazy tree.]

Angelina Jolie Finally Enjoys Her Own Daughter

shilohs-world-life-&-style-mag-cvr.jpgAngelina Jolie recently spent some one on one time with her first biological daughter, Shiloh. Given that it's the Jolie-Pitt clan we're talking, you know it wasn't just any old day out. The two dined at a cafe (they split a panini! Angie eats carbs!) - in Corsica. Ah, naturally. No stealing a Chicken McNugget from her child's "Happy Meal" in stinky old America for Jolie. Though the story, via Life & Style, is ridiculous it does warm my heart. At least Angelina seems to genuinely like Shiloh now - versus when she thought her daughter was just a "blob." More

[On Aug. 28, Angelina Jolie took 3-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt out for a special mommy-daughter day -- like any other parent-child duo. The difference? These two popped into the town of Ajaccio on the island of Corsica just for the day! There they chowed down at La Paninoteca Cinecitta Caffe. "They split a panini," a witness at the restaurant tells Life & Style about Shiloh and Angie's meal. "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other."

"She's so full of light and love -- she's just a little honey and very, very funny," Angelina, 34, has said. "I think I'm recognizing some of myself in that one -- she's going to be a little bit of trouble."]

I'm glad Jolie likes Shiloh now - even if it's because she's reminded of herself. If I were Angelina I'd like looking in a mirror too! Whatever it takes Angie - just get it done.

No Surprises Here

Thumbnail image for leeann-rimes-dean-shermet-couple-photo.jpgLeeAnn Rimes has filed for divorce from her husband of seven years, Dean Shermet. Her lover, Eddie Cibrian, has also filed for divorce from his wife. It's a bummer when you get cheated on and divorced. You'd think at least one of the spurned mates would have been on the ball to get the legal proceedings rolling. I guess LeeAnn and Eddie are finally ready to stop bullshitting everyone and get on with a full-blown public relationship. It's about damn time. Here's LeeAnn's official statement, via her publicist, regarding the demise of her marriage

["After much thoughtful mutual consideration, Deane and I have agreed to move forward with dissolving our marriage. This decision was amicable and we remain committed and caring friends with great admiration for one another. Thank you so much for all of your continued love and support - it is deeply appreciated."]

How can you remain "committed and caring" while in the throes of legally dissolving your union? Those seem like opposing goals. I guess all bets are off when someone as hot as Eddie comes along... and you've been involved in a sexless marriage with an allegedly gay backup dancer. Then it's like rolling with Vegas odds. 

[Photo Credit: LeeAnn and Dean, in happier times. Adios, pal.]

Girlfriend, Please

demi-moore-face-main-wikipedia.jpgI don't know what possessed Demi Moore to speak out about plastic surgery, much less profess such a bald-faced lie. Maybe it's a new Kabbalah lesson: "How To Trick the Public - Unsuccessfully" or "A Guide to Humiliation: How To Have People Laugh in Your Face." Who knows what Mrs. Kutcher has up her sleeve these days? All we know is it ain't the truth! More:

[Demi said, "It's completely false - I've never had it done. I would never judge those who have - if it's the best thing for them then I don't see a problem. But I don't like the idea of having an operation to hold up the aging process - it's a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won't make you happy." Afterward she said that she wouldn't rule out plastic surgery completely, if she were to look in the mirror and start crying. She added, "The day I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I'm less adamant about not having it done. For now I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than trying desperately to look 30."]

There's no denying that Demi looks fantastic - but it's been made possible with the help of plastic surgery and a cadre of personal assistants. And more power to her. She's got the money for the best and it's her right to spend it as she sees fit. The aging process sucks for women - she's lucky to be having an easier time of it. She's setting an example - it would just be nice to see her do so without any shame.

[Photo Credit: Not a line on her. Just sayin'.]

Because He's Got A Great Track Record

Candice Crawford in swimsuit picture[3].jpgTony Romo has jumped into the dating pool with both feet - not that this news is any surprise, given that he never stopped trawling for nookie while he was actually in a relationship. Romo's latest victim dating partner is beauty queen Candice Crawford (sister of Gossip Girl star, Chace Crawford). She's also the host of the Dallas Cowboys sports show, Special Edition. I think we can do some quick math to deduce how these two met. Personally, I would run the other direction if I saw Tony coming my way. Any guy who can leave his girlfriend at an IHOP (in the parking lot, no less) and not even spring for some pancakes is a monster, in my opinion. 

[Photo Credit: He likes 'em blonde and calls 'em all 'babe.' It's just easier that way.]

Where I've Been

Thumbnail image for dj-am.jpgSo I'm returning from a week away and, from the looks of things out there, a lot happened while I was unplugged from the world! Those celebrities - it's always something. Unfortunately some of the news is very sad, mainly the untimely passing of DJ AM (Adam Goldstein). I know drugs were found on the scene, though the overdose doesn't appear to be intentional. I didn't know Adam, but it's easy to guess how he must have been feeling. Things have never been the same for him since his near-death experience and the toll the subsequent crushing anxiety inflicted on his life. The realization of one's own mortality is the most mind-bending thing to confront; it's natural to want to blot out reality. It struck a nerve with me because I'm dealing with a similar issue in my life. A family member of mine is suffering from brain cancer and things are getting bad. The mounting pressure of watching a loved one in extreme pain is never easy. And family dynamics? Well, no one acts with a clear mind when loss is on the line. It puts a crazy amount of stress on everyone - and highlights life decisions at every turn. Am I thinking about death everyday? Hell, yes. My own brain hasn't been in a good space in a long time - someone else's brain has center stage. I don't always take the high road. Most days I try to do my best to be there for other people - on the off days I can't do a goddamn thing, even for myself. The week away? That was a called bolting! I thought I was going to explode from all the internalized pressure, so I hopped in the car and drove away from my problems. I took solace in day to day pleasures. I caught up with old (and very dear) friends. I thought about life and how brave you have to be to really live it. I'm a hedonist by nature and this road trip was an ode to that tendency. I chose to temporarily check out of reality via several spicy bloody marys and several hours at the penny slots at the Nugget Casino in Reno. An Awful Awful Burger (awful big, awful good) went a long ways towards helping me enjoy the simplicity of a sinful moment. I'm lucky. Not everyone can escape so easily. Sometimes it takes something harder than cheap vodka and an artery-clogging meal to make someone (ironically) feel better. When I heard the news about DJ AM all I could think was, "Poor baby." Death caught up with him, whether (or not) he intended it to. His passing is a really sad loss and I sincerely hope he's at peace. The ultimate demise causes fear in virtually everyone. Do you face it or do you dull the pain? It comes either way. I spend most of my time writing snarky (and hopefully humorous) posts for this site - but at the end of the day I truly wish joy for everyone. Even Gwyneth Paltrow. Life isn't always easy, but it sure is beautiful. It's trite, but true: I hope you're having a wonderful life.

[Photo Credit: RIP, Adam.]






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