October 2009 Archives

Simply Irresistible

Heidi_Klum_Gets_Naked_While_-Covered_In_Chocolate_11-500x335.jpgI've changed my Halloween plans from a cat (for the tenth year running) or Lily Allen impersonator (requires drinking - see "most evenings") to one of those Robert Palmer chicks from back in the day. Here's a sneak preview of my outfit... Have a very happy (and safe) Halloween! Send me photos and stories - I wanna know what's going on with you. xo

Slap My Face

Thumbnail image for ashton-kutcher-demi-moore-couple-wikipedia.jpgWhew! Thanks, I needed that. I was just dozing off while reading about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's marriage. I'll reprint the article here as a courtesy, in case you need a cat nap before heading out on the town to celebrate Halloween. Details

[Demi Moore has revealed the secret to her happy marriage with hubby Ashton Kutcher - they never think too far ahead. The 46-year-old actress and the 31-year-old actor apparently enjoy a happy relationship because they are grateful for the time they spend together and try never to look beyond the present.

"I think that's too big of a question to take on right now," Demi said when asked the secret to her successful marriage. "I like to look at where I am in the present moment as being the highlight."

Despite trying not to plan for the future, Demi -- who has three daughter with ex-husband Bruce Willis -- recently admitted she and Ashton have discussed having children of their own one day. "Why not? Everything is possible! We have so much to live for, and obviously one of them is to have a child. I'm very enthusiastic about all the possibilities that living together gives us.]

What were we talking about? Oh, Demi "I've Got Mine" Moore is still shoveling the shit and Ashton Kutcher is still eating it. She must have a vagina lined with gold - or a wallet.

[Photo Credit]

When Are They Getting Divorced?

pete-wentz-face-tattoo-twitter.jpgReally, Pete? Party boy Pete Wentz is up to his old tricks - again. This time he's followed through on a promise he made to Cobra Starship frontman Gabe Saporta after losing a bet. The result? He got his friend's face tattooed on his leg. I'm sure wife Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is really thrilled right now. As for Pete, the Jackass guys did it first. Do you feel silly yet? Details

[Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz isn't just a friend to Cobra Starship frontman Gabe Saporta -- he's also his label boss and friendly rival. As a result, the two have been maintaining a prank war for the past few months, culminating in a recent victory for Saporta. Paying up on a bet he made a few months ago, Wentz got a new tattoo on his leg -- a tattoo of Saporta's face.

"Well, I promised Gabe if 'Good Girls Go Bad' went platinum, I would let him pick a tattoo to put on me," Wentz said in a statement. "A man with such humble beginnings, of course, chose a self-portrait." As a result, there is now a permanent mark on Wentz's calf that features Saporta's face and the inscription "Gabey Baby Made Me Go Bad."

This is merely the latest shot in the public prank war that has been going on between Wentz and Saporta for months. Last month at the MTV Video Music Awards, Wentz wore a T-shirt that revealed Saporta's phone number, and while he was unable to reveal all the digits on the live broadcast, Saporta's number still got out there, forcing him to change it.

Saporta struck back a few weeks ago at Los Premios MTV, where he announced Wentz's e-mail address (in Spanish!) during the broadcast.

For those keeping score at home, Saporta is definitely in the lead, though according to Wentz, there may still be more to come. "I held through with the bet," Wentz said. "But let's see if Gabe holds through with his end of the bet if Hot Mess goes gold."]

This stunt is about as original as their bands. Enough said. 

[Photo Credit: This is what Twitter is good for!]

So, Which Is It?

Thumbnail image for lamar-odom-khloe-kardashian-kitson-event.jpgHas she or hasn't she? Khloe Kardashian seems unsure as to whether or not she's met hubby Lamar Odom's kids. It seems like something you would know, but I'm not a celebrity. The hectic schedule of fame-whoring can really twirl the facts around! Details

[Khloe Kardashian told reporters that she didn't think of herself as a mom to Lamar's two kids but was more of a big sister. She likes to take them shopping and they have fun together.

Lamar on the other hand told one reporter that Khloe has never met his kids which would confirm what their mother has said. Lamar does say that his kids look up to Khloe which is not surprising given how tall she is, but how can you look up to someone you have never met and probably only seen on television hiding coke in her purse. Excellent role model.]

While I appreciate her bold-faced lie, I don't really get the point. Why not just say that you have yet to meet Lamar's kids, but you are very much looking forward to it? Wait, I know the answer! The desire to look good in the eyes of the media comes before actually spending time with the children. I'm really glad these two got married - the entertainment value is off the charts. 

A Little Something To Get You In The Mood


Wow, the "special effects" were really rockin' back in 1978! Check out this vintage trailer for the original Halloween, starring a very beautiful Jamie Lee Curtis. I believe the premise of the film seems to be, "It's scary if it happens in the dark." That's how you get it done! I've got plans to be either a cat (for about the tenth year in a row) or a Lily Allen impersonator. For Lily all I have to do is get drunk (see here), but the cat keeps with tradition. They both involve pussy, so I really can't lose either way. 

Here We Go... Again!

jennifer_aniston_pregnant_cover-life-&-style.jpgHey y'all - I hope you're sitting down because I have some very BIG news! Are you ready? Jennifer Aniston is ready to adopt a baby and she's still not over Brad Pitt. Yeah. What do you think about that? If they can put a man on the moon, they can surely put a baby in Aniston's arms. Details, via What Would Tyler Durden Do and Now magazine: 

[Every few months someone takes the "Jennifer Aniston is adopting" story from a few months earlier, changes all the nouns and then prints it again, so if this turns out to be true it would be astounding, but the UK magazine Now says she made a secret trip to an orphanage in Mexico earlier this month. The "source" says Aniston will buy the baby from the Casa Hogar Sion orphanage. Oh it sounds just lovely.

"Jen has been plowing money into the orphanage for years, just as her ex Brad has, and to adopt a baby from there makes perfect sense," adds the insider. "She and Brad will never be -- she knows that -- but this bond through the baby will live on, no matter what. Brad and Angelina Jolie can never escape from that."
The orphanage's owner, Carmen Gonzalez, confirmed Jen's visit, saying, "She got on with all the children, but spent most of her time with the babies. She loved them. She was in the nursery for a long time, playing with them and cuddling them."]

So, are they saying that Jen and Brad donate money to the same orphanage - so by proxy Jen adopting from this orphanage means they will share a bond through a child that Brad has never met? This is awesome! It's like time, space and reality have no meaning. Great news - I get how this works. I've been "plowing" my money into DVDs featuring Brad; meanwhile Brad's been plowing his money into his kids. So, it's kind of like we're together raising his kids because some of the money I spend goes to feed his children. I too have always wanted to be a mom and I really like Shiloh. Play-dates for everyone!

[Photo Credit: I felt this pic was as good as any, since the story is not true anyways!]

I'm Not Sure How Jessica Simpson Is Going To Accomplish This...

jessica-simpson-rwb-leather-outfit-wikipedia.jpgJessica Simpson is going out on a limb and trying something she's never tried before - aiming to nab an intelligent man! I wonder what qualifies as "intelligent" in Jessica's book? Details

[Jessica Simpson -- who famously confused tuna with chicken because the label said "Chicken of the Sea" -- knows what she wants out of her next relationship: A guy with brains. "I don't want to get bored," she tells Extra in an interview airing Friday. "I can bore out pretty easily, so I love intellectual men ... people that will always keep me intrigued. I definitely love a spiritual man -- somebody that is going to always inspire me," says the singer, who was dumped by Tony Romo the day before her 29th birthday in July. "And, you know, I love artistic men -- somebody that really understands their art."]

I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am quite the matchmaker. I don't want to jinx anything, but I will throw it out there that Corey Feldman is going to be back on the market very soon. Boom, problem solved!

[Photo Credit: Calling all men with library cards!]

Have The Pot And The Kettle Met?

jon-gosselin-and-hailey-glassman-smoking.jpgAh, Hailey Glassman - hypocrite much? Apparently Hailey is still dating the world's biggest douchebag (that's Jon Gosselin, in case you don't know) - and, though she doesn't want to hurt him, she is willing to go on national television and call him abusive. Well, that makes perfect sense! Here's a great breakdown of the situation, via the awesome Crazy Days & Nights

[In an attempt to make some money off this relationship, Haily sold an interview to The Insider which airs tomorrow and Friday. In the interview she says that Jon Gosselin emotionally abuses her, lies to her, cheats on her, and as a result of her relationship with him has been called a home wrecker and a fat whore.

Despite all of that though, she loves Jon and wouldn't leave him. "I don't want to leave him all alone," she says. "At the end of the day, I love him but I dislike him at times. When I love someone I would never hurt them."

No, she wouldn't hurt them but she would get paid for an interview, go on national television and tell the world that the man she loves is abusive and lies and cheats on her. Nothing hurtful about that. This whole dynamic is a piece of work.]

I don't know - it kinda sounds like they deserve each other! Hell, for all we know, those two are probably in cahoots - ultimately it's more money and press for Jon, which is all he seems to care about.

Take That, Madonna!

Thumbnail image for kate-hudson-arod-separate-pics-in-blue.jpgA-Rod (apparently named that for a reason) and Kate Hudson are gettin' it on all the time! How do we know this? Because Kate has told her friends and her friends have told Us Magazine. If you consider yourself a friend of mine and would like to have "sources" leak something to PLP, I'll happily post it for you. It's all the rage with celebrities - everyone's doing it! Details

[Apparently, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez is a homerun in the bedroom. That's what girlfriend Kate Hudson has been telling close pals, according to the new Us Weekly (on newsstands now).

"They love sex!" a pal tells Us Weekly of the pair who began dating in May. "They talk about it all day. Kate gets graphic talking about his body, even to her parents." Still, Hudson, 30, is aware of Rodriguez's playboy rep: During his five-year marriage to wife Cynthia, he stepped out with stripper Joslyn Noel Morse; another fling recalls portraits of the slugger as a centaur hanging over his bed.

She won't have to worry about him straying, pals tells Us: "She's with him every second," says a source. Another adds that Rodriguez, 34, has confided that Hudson means more to him than Madonna, whom he dated after his 2008 split with wife Cynthia, and that "Kate is changing him for the better." How so? "He's less of a jerk," jokes the pal. "He's also more free-spirited."]

Well, yeah - just about anyone would allow him to feel more "free spirited" than Madonna! I'm sure Kate means more to A-Rod because he gets more. Yep, rocket scientist right here. 

[Photo Credit]

The Pressure Is On!

Thumbnail image for katie-holmes-tom-cruise-couple-wikipedia.jpgTom Cruise is feelin' like gettin' his sexy on - and current co-star Cameron Diaz is ready to help! No, the two aren't having a heated affair - that would be impossible. Rather, Diaz is having quite a fun time with Suri when she visits the set - and Cameron is reportedly curious as to why the precious little girl doesn't have a sibling. Turns out Tom is wondering the same thing! I'm sure he's anxious to jerk off into a cup make sweet love to wife Katie Holmes - only it appears that Katie just isn't ready. More? Oh, yes

[The marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is going through "a period of tension", with the couple arguing over whether they should try for another baby to join three-year-old daughter Suri.

According to an English friend who has recently returned from visiting the pair in Boston, where they have relocated while Cruise works on his film Wichita, the cause of irritation between the two is the star's "insistence" on having another baby.

I'm told: "They are arguing a lot because Tom feels he is getting on in age [he's 47] and he thinks Katie owes it to him and Suri to get pregnant. He says he would be in his 60s while the child was young and that's still just about OK to share in the child's life.

"Katie feels Tom is more wound up about this than he's ever been and relations between them are at a really tricky stage. She's only 30 and she's not sure about having another baby right now but then she feels guilty about Suri being an only child, especially as she grew up in a big family herself."

Fuelling the tension between the couple, who have been married three years, are comments made, albeit unwittingly, by their mutual chum Cameron Diaz, who is also staying in Boston for the filming of Wichita.

Adds my source: "Cameron is besotted with Suri and innocently said to Tom in front of Katie how nice it would be for her to have a sibling to play with. She didn't know what a hot potato the subject is between the two and after Cameron left their house they had another argument."]

Or did Tom put Cammie up to it? I could see her doing a favor for her old friend. And I buy that Cruise is wily enough to use a third party to help get his point across! I think Katie knows she'll be even more stuck if she conceives another child - and I'm sure the fact that a second sibling is allegedly a contractual obligation doesn't really light her fire. I think Holmes signed her life away and is now regretting the moment pen struck paper. It'll be a lot easier to bolt with one kid when her time is up...

[Photo Credit]

I Will Be Buying The December Issue Of Playboy...


... as a stocking stuffer for my honey. Oh yeah, Christmas just got a little hotter! Put another log on the fire. Jesus, somebody stop me. Anyways... One of my absolute favorite celebs in the world, Chelsea Handler, graces an upcoming cover of Playboy magazine - just in time for the holidays. I seriously adore her. I'm buying this issue for the articles. If the cover is any indication, it'll be quite entertaining! Forget The Girls Next Door - this is Hugh Hefner's greatest achievement! 

This Is Why I Don't Keep A Diary

anna-nicole-smith-red-satin-wikipedia.jpgI've instructed my fiance to burn any journals if I pass before him. Knock on wood and all that good stuff! He'll have a small job, should this be the case. The last regular diary I kept was in grade school. The most scintillating thing in it was when I called Mrs. Determeyer a poop-head for giving me detention. Anna Nicole Smith and her wily crew of doctors have not been so lucky. Here's some new dirty details from the ongoing case: 

[A California Medical Board investigator testified Wednesday that a 2007 search of the home of former Anna Nicole Smith physician Sandeep Kapoor turned up a journal in which the doctor wrote, "I was making out with Anna, my patient, blurring the lines. I gave her Methadone, Valium. Can she ruin me?"

If what he wrote in his diary was true, so much for that whole "How dare you, I'm gay!" excuse. Kapoor and psychiatrist Khristine Eroshevich, who along with Howard K. Stern are facing charges of facilitating Smith's drug habit, have both been accused of having inappropriate contact with their patient.

Investigator Jon Genens said on the stand that he believed this entry, dated June 13, 2005, was the only mention of Smith in Kapoor's journal, which had entries dated between 1999 and 2005.]

It turns out that she probably can ruin him, posthumously no less. Either way, it doesn't sound like there was much unbiased support in helping Anna Nicole stay sober. 

[Photo Credit: RIP, Anna.]

I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Girl!

fergieandjosh.jpgJosh Duhamel is fighting off rumors that he allegedly cheated on wife Fergie with a stripper. As Paul Newman famously said, "Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?" Besides Fergie is the Cadillac of strippers - she's got the look of a pole dancer with the movie/rock star credentials. What more could you ask for? A lot, according to Nicole Forrester. Details, via E! Online

[Josh Duhamel is shooting down a new supermarket tabloid story alleging he cheated on his pop-music superstar wife, Fergie, earlier this month with a stripper. In an interview with The National Enquirer, Nicole Forrester says she and the 36-year-old Transformers hunk enjoyed a sex romp in an Atlanta hotel room while he was in the area shooting Life As We Know It, a comedy costarring Katherine Heigl, Christina Hendricks and Josh Lucas.

But Duhamel's rep insists the story is bogus... "This is not the first nor will it be the last time that a stripper was paid a large amount of money to sell a false story about a celebrity," Duhamel's rep said in a statement released this afternoon. "This story is absolutely ridiculous."

Forrester, who reportedly goes by the name "Delilah" when she is working at a nude club called Tattletales Lounge, claims Duhamel introduced himself as "J.D." and said he was in town making a porn movie.

Earlier today, E! Online was contacted by a rep for an Atlanta-area attorney claiming he was representing a stripper who was interested in "compensation" for details about an alleged hotel tryst she had with Duhamel. "Our client has taken a polygraph regarding this incident and passed," an email from the attorney's office reads.]

Hmmm... The National Enquirer has indeed broken a few juicy stories that have turned out to be true, but I don't think is one of them. I could be wrong, of course. I wouldn't have assumed Eric Dane was capable of a "nude tape" - and look what happened there! Josh, by all accounts, has always seemed totally crazy about Fergie. It's an odd match, but it appears to work for them. Who knows? Maybe he had to get so drunk to stand working with Katherine Heigl that he had a slip in judgement. I'm sure we'll find out more soon!

[Photo Credit]

The Whip Is In Place

megan-fox-brian.jpgMegan Fox is known more for her looks than her smarts. Talk about stating the obvious! Megan's common sense factor (or lack thereof) was in full swing recently. She and on-again boyfriend Brian Austin Green went out in public and, despite donning a "disguise," Fox was instantly recognized. Umm, a hat doesn't really do the trick Megan! Even more hilarious? Green tried to duck out of photos after crowds began to recognize his girl. Your secret is out - we know you two are shagging! Details of the event

[What the ef is going on with Megan Fox and her whatever Brian Austin Green? The on-and-off-and-on twosome celebrated Halloween early by hitting up the Los Angeles Haunted Hayride in Calabasas late last night, getting the bejesus scared straight out of 'em by the terrifying thrill ride.

Meg tried dumbing down how friggin' recognizable she is by donning a hat, but that didn't really help--the crowd and crew knew that glossy-lipped face anywhere, and proceeded to take pics of her on their cameras and cell phones.

And how did Brian defend his ladylove from the constant shutterbugs? By literally jumping out of every photo. One source present on the scare site tells us, "Every time somebody wanted to take a photo of Meg, Brian would jump right out of the frame so they wouldn't be seen together."

A hayride ain't a red carpet, so we're not buying an excuse of Green graciously stepping out of the way so his honey could soak up the spotlight. Does Brian really not want us to know he and Meg are dating again? Because we already spotted the two of them backstage at the Scream Awards, lunching in the Valley, and smooching at the SNL after-party.]

I don't think public perception of whether or not she's single is going to stop her career. People think she's hot regardless of who she goes home to at night. If anything would mess up her Tinseltown experience, it would be the constant shit-talking! Keep in mind that this is the girl who compared her boss to Hitler and she's still working. I don't think loving up a former cast member of Beverly Hills 90210 is going to harm anything at this point! Enjoy yourselves, kids. 

[Photo Credit]

Ladies, Start Your Engines!

corey-feldman-main-wikipedia.jpgCorey Feldman is almost single again, y'all! Think of all the Goonies memorabilia that could be yours if you hooked up with him - try not to start a stampede. Here are the details

[E! Online is reporting that Susannah Feldman is claiming "irreconcilable differences" as the reason that she no longer wants to be married to Corey Feldman. I think it's cause she finally looked in the mirror and realized that she's hot and he isn't. She wants spousal support and child support (they have a 5-year-old son).]

In a somewhat surprising twist of fate, Feldman ended up the more together of The Two Coreys. Corey Haim, unfortunately, struggled with drugs and bankruptcy - a not uncommon trajectory seen among child actors. I saw Feldman's rock band back in the day - all I can say is "ouch" on that front. Touring with strippers does not make you a rock star. On the upside, perhaps he'll serenade you at dinner! I'm thinking this would be a perfect hookup for Britney Spears. You know, if that whole stable boyfriend/agent thing falls through. He can sing and dance, Brit! You'd better hurry though - Lindsay Lohan might try to nab this hot action if you don't get a move on it...

Kristin Davis Oozes Sex

sex-and-the-city-classic-cast-photo.jpgNothing too shocking in the way of Sex & The City info for the sequel - but I'm enjoying it just the same. I wouldn't really consider this post a spoiler - it's safe to read on, in my opinion. I feel like a naughty kid at Christmas every time these sequel details are leaked. I'm not going to open the present, I'm just going to peek under a corner of the wrapping! Details, via Bunny With Fangs!

[Kristin Davis has leaked a little bit more of the dirt from the Sex and the City set...

On the runtime for the film:
"This one is not going to be that long. It's like condensed soup. [It's] different, and adventure and rich, and like, there's music involved."

On the cast working all hours of the night:
"We were shooting last week -- and pretty much for the two weeks before that -- nights. All night. Now, we were not doing a night exterior, but that's how many hours we needed to get these certain things donw that when it comes out, you're going to know what I'm talking about. I can't tell you right now: except to say that they are HUGE scenes with like hundreds of people in them!"

On the gals' wardrobes:
"There were more costume changes in the first one, than there are in the second one."]

I'd say that's about as innocuous as you could get as far as "leaking" details. A lot more innocent than the candid pics of Davis happily giving a blowjob (link NSFW) that hit the web right before the last SATC flick. So who drew the short straw for scandal/publicity amongst for four main gals this time?

[Photo Credit]

Was The Meal Made Of Solid Gold?

beyonce-jayz-lunch.jpgDang, I want to roll with Jay-Z! Check out the details of what is most likely an ordinary day in his life, via Molls at Evil Beet

[I don't know about you, but this recession has taught me one thing: If it costs more than five dollars, I can't afford to eat it. This has forced me to eat many meals at my local taco truck and lots and lots of steamed broccoli (great fiber, you guys), but honestly it hasn't been that bad. Until today, anyway. That's when I saw that Bey and Jay are going out and spending 1200 bones on a mid-day meal and leaving behind 500 dollar tips. Damn! Just the thought of that makes me want to go splurge on a seven dollar sandwich and get as crazy as my idols.]

I'm glad someone out there is living the high life! I'm a fan of Jay-Z's - if he's happy, I'm happy. And it's looking like I'm pretty damn happy right now. Meanwhile, I can't wait to indulge in one of my many guilty pleasures - the cheesy horror movie. I didn't see Obsessed in the theater because I assumed it would go much better with a drinking game. I've found that champagne and bad movies go very well together! And, frankly, what could be better than a wicked catfight between Beyonce and Ali Larter?

What Will We "Learn" Next?

Angelina Jolie is a dirt machine - and lots of people are digging for more. Hot on the heels of the revelation that she allegedly had a fling with her mother's boyfriend and once tried to date Rosie O'Donnell comes the rumor that Brangelina is a sham! No way. Will the resounding shock waves ever end? Details

[If you're a celebrity gossip magazine or an enterprising author, why let facts get in the way? So thought the creator of the December 1 tell-all, Brangelina Exposed.

Ian Halperin, an investigative journalist and author of July's bestseller Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson, Brangelina Exposed promises to explain how the seemingly perfect couple "successfully manipulated the public."

What have we been manipulated into, you ask? "Believing a glamorous fairytale that bears little resemblance to the reality of the pair's life together." Obviously.

Basically, the Brangelina marriage is an act. Stop us if you've heard this one.

First on Halperin's agenda: Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston (who supposedly had a secret meeting with him lately) and the "real reason" for their huge split. The heavily-sourced writer hones in on Jolie's "dark past," reporting "new details of her volatile relationship with and estrangement from her father Jon Voight.

Angelina Jolie also battled suicidal impulses, heroin and sexual exploits on her way to becoming an Oscar-winning actress... Halperin will also introduce "the key figure behind the scenes who orchestrated her makeover into a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador." Anyone still awake?

At the present time, the author says Brangelina life is no fairy tale, and that a split may be coming - like, for real - before too long. Supposedly. Probably not. "Jolie's personal lifestyle choices are not only affecting her growing family," a release says, "but causing serious and potentially irreparable tensions with Pitt."]

Umm, they totally forgot about the time she made out with her brother at the Oscars and called Shiloh a "blob." Perhaps I need to pen a tell-all too! It sounds like it's a free-for-all in the speculation of Jolie's life - why not join the fray? Can I say how sick I am of the "Brangelina" breakup stories? Stop teasing me and get it over with for the sake of my sanity.

[Photo Credit]

A Few Phone Calls And Dating Aren't Quite The Same Thing

rosie-odonnell-main-wikipedia.jpgSo, as you may know, I'm not a huge fan of Angelina Jolie - but even I wouldn't wish Rosie O'Donnell on her! Rosie claims she and the screen siren almost had a fling. I claim Rosie may have had a fling with an alleged whiskey bottle or two that affected her version of something called "the truth." Check it out

[Since it was becoming clear she wasn't going to fully open up on her woes [with wife Kelli Carpenter], [Howard] Stern steered his convo with O'Donnell to the star's love life before Carpenter. O'Donnell admitted she had a phone fling with Angelina Jolie, before she hit the big time. "We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that. There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through," she said. "I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way."]

I can not, nay, will not envision what that hookup might have looked like. What could have been said in two or three phone conversations that would lead O'Donnell to believe there was lurking sexuality? Was Jolie really so desperate to work her way up the ladder that she'd consider gettin' on Rosie? Or was O'Donnell dreaming out loud? Either way, people sure seem to be coming out of the woodwork to dish on Angie!

[Photo Credit: Sexy time! O'Angie!]

What Do Andre Agassi And Jodie Sweetin Have In Common?

andre-agassi-main-wikipedia.jpgOne is a world famous former tennis star, the other a former child actor - both share the same dirty secret in their past use of crystal meth. Who knew they had so much in common? Details for Andre Agassi's shocking confession: 

[Tennis great Andre Agassi admits in his upcoming autobiography, Open, that he used crystal meth during his career in 1997. A Sports Illustrated employee broke the news early before the book's release on November 9th via his Twitter, but it has since been deleted:

"Book excerpt from Andre Agassi in the forthcoming SI: He admits to taking crystal meth during his career."

Agassi's rep confirmed the revelation. We wonder if Brooke Shields knew about this? They were still married in 1997.]

Surely there will be even more details to follow. Everyone sure is in a sharing kind of mood. I wonder if it's all the drugs?!

[Photo Credit]

Sunny, Sandra And The Porn Star

sandra-bullock-main-wikipedia.jpgSandra Bullock and her husband Jesse James are set to meet Jesse's ex in court over a bitter custody battle for 5 year-old Sunny James. The normally happy Sandra may have found something to frown about - she'll have to come face to face with former porn star Janine Lindemulder and it ain't gonna be pretty. Details, via Showbiz Spy

[Sandra Bullock is being forced to prove that she's a better parent that her husband Jesse James' porn star ex-wife.

According to reports, the actress is being dragged into a bitter legal battle between Jesse and Janine Lindemulder -- who has appeared in over 100 filthy films, including Mrs. Behavin'; Sleeping Booty and Dyke Diner.

Lindemulder -- who has just been released from a six-month prison sentence for tax evasion -- apparently disagrees that Bullock and James have made a good home for Sunny, his five-year-old daughter.

When she was in jail in Oregon, Janine -- who remains in a halfway house in Los Angeles until the end of this year when she can seek custody of her daughter -- reportedly sent her former husband a bitter text message that read, "U win. Sandra finally has her baby -- congratulations."

James, 40, has launched a pre-emptive legal strike in wealthy Orange County, south of Los Angeles, where all three have beachside homes, according to the The Times of London. He has asked a judge to rule on whether Lindemulder is a fit mother.

"Good cause exists for the court to conduct a review to determine if [the girl] will be safe with [Lindemulder]," he said in a statement to the court. "She should be restrained from allowing the child around pornographers, drug addicts, guns and firearms, felons and other unsafe environments."

Bullock, 45, recently admitted it "hurts" that she doesn't have children of her own -- but insists one doesn't need to "breed" in order to be a parent.

"I may never hear that word 'mom'. But being a parent is not about breeding," she said. "It's about caring. And it's easy to say, but it's harder to do.

"When you don't have that title, you flounder and it hurts. But this is the best test of being a parent. And I just have to keep reminding myself I don't care what I get. I care what I give."]

It would be hard not to side with the sweet, apple-cheeked Bullock. Who would you choose -the face behind a dozen adorable rom-com flicks or this?

[Photo Credit]

Kate Gosselin And Angelina Jolie Will Be Competing For Roles Soon

kate-gosselin-banshee.jpgKate Gosselin has expressed an interest in becoming an film star. This is a woman who bitches until she gets what she wants, so expect to see her on the silver screen soon. She's a great actress in my opinion - anyone who could even pretend to be with Jon Gosselin for as long as she did has some talent. Ha! More, via D-Listed

[One person asked Kate what she was planning to do with herself once her reality show ends. Kate said that she would love to see herself on a gigantic movie screen. Not since Paranormal Activity.....

Kate said, "My career goals, believe it or not...I've discovered that I've done enough years of TV that I feel like it's a normal, natural, comfortable place. I would love to be in a movie at some point. I would love to be the voice of a cartoon character in a movie for my kids. I think that would be fun."]

Yes, I see it now. Kate Gosselin and Angelina Jolie will be neck and neck, competing for every action/vamp role in the near future. Kate is very sexy and talented you know. Not at all delusional people; not at all...

[Photo Credit: Look, she's "acting" like a wench.]

I'm Guessing Jude Law's Penis Rules The Roost

jude-law-sienna-miller-formal-couple.jpgI'd like to give Jude Law credit for being both handsome and intelligent, but I'm afraid that's not possible anymore. Hot on the heels of impregnating a stalkerish fame-whore comes the news that he might be reuniting with Sienna Miller. What in the hell is Jude thinking? A teenage boy with access to unlimited Internet porn would do a better job of controlling his member. Details, courtesy of Celebitchy and Ok! magazine: 

[According to OK! UK, Sienna Miller and Jude Law may be back on. This makes perfect sense to me, because they are both two of the most self-destructive, self-defeating, horny celebrities out there. Both of them will literally screw anyone who gives them the side-eye. Examples for Jude: Samantha Burke and any and all of the random chicas he's bangin' while in New York. Examples for Sienna: Her entire dating history. Anyway, both Jude and Sienna are doing separate plays on Broadway, and they may already to be back together:

Jude Law and Sienna Miller could be set to rekindle their romance after meeting for a few dinner dates recently. The pair - who dated after meeting on the set of Alfie in 2004 but split in 2006 following Jude's affair with his children's nanny - have had a series of secret meetings in New York, where they are both appearing on Broadway. A source said: "Sienna and Jude have met up a few times and got on really well." A spokesperson has confirmed that the pair have met up although did not comment on whether they are dating again.

The source added: "Sienna had her heart broken by Jude, but she was young and it was the first time she'd fallen in love. What people don't realise is that they always remained close, so who knows where this will lead to next."]

Meanwhile, the mother of his fourth child has no intention of letting Jude go

[So, the gist of the story is that Jude Law got his stalker pregnant. Too harsh? The interview goes on and on and Samantha keeps talking about her "relationship" with Jude and how happy she was with the situation. I also think she got pregnant on purpose, but that's just my theory. She "fell in love" with Jude and decided she wanted him in her life permanently. When asked about her future relationship with Jude, she says she wants to "have a friendship and be cordial. I want everything to be positive around Sophia... so hopefully, we can work things out."]

It seems Law might be a bit confused regarding the meaning of the popular catchphrase, "Nut up." Not that any of his conquests ladies seem to care...

[Photo Credit: Back in the day and on to tomorrow!]

I Still Don't Understand The Katy Perry/Russell Brand Hookup

katy-perry-russell-brand-paint-splatters-bday-party.jpgNot that my lack of understanding is stopping them! Though this appears to be more a case of lust than love, the odd couple is still hanging in there. Russell is reputed to be quite the ladies man and Katy is still pretty young, so maybe they're teaching each other some tricks. Details

[The funnyman rarely strays from his uniform of black skinny jeans and T-shirt but on Saturday night he was seen leaving Katy's 25th birthday at Hollywood's Sunset Beach club in a white outfit with multi-colored paint smudges. The reason for the paint splatters was that Katy had hired a team of face painters for the all-white-themed bash... and things got a bit out of hand. Judging by the Katy Perry-sized handprints on Russ's chest, the passionate pair couldn't keep their mitts off each other.

Russell is so smitten with Katy he has invited her to spend Christmas with him and his family at his home in Hampstead, North London. And last week she hired a plane to skywrite "I Love You" over Russell's LA home near Sunset Boulevard. You hardly get more public than that.]

I wince at the thought of skywriting. Are we sure they're not simply working together on filming a romantic comedy? If not, the only excuse must be the constant flurry of orgasms frying both their brains. There are worse ways to go!

Paris Hilton And Drama? Like, No Way!

Thumbnail image for paris-hilton-car.jpgThe hotel heiress continues to function at the maturity level of a person in junior high. And thank god she does, because what would the gossip industry do without her? This time we've got Paris bolting from a party to avoid a run-in with an ex. A case of lingering feelings or a savvy move to earn more tabloid fodder? You make the call! Details

[Paris Hilton did a runner from her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt's birthday party after realizing her ex Benji Madden was booked to provide the entertainment.

The socialite whisked Doug to Las Vegas for the weekend to celebrate his 24th birthday and watch his pals Taintstick in action at The Hard Rock Hotel. However her joy turned to despair after finding out Benji had stepped in at the last minute to play bass. A source said: "Paris and Doug stopped in to Wasted Space nightclub to see Taintstick play. Shortly after getting into the gig Paris saw Benji's face and bolted. She was freaking out big time and was desperate not to bump into him. It's quite clear they didn't end on good terms." The source added: "Benji had no idea Paris was going to attend."

Paris and Benji broke up in November 2008 after nine months of dating.]

Taintstick, really? Umm, if you were dating someone and he or she ran away from your birthday party to avoid an ex, what would you think was going on? In Doug's case there probably wasn't much thinking happening other than, "I hope Paris left the bar tab open." I didn't realize Hilton had feelings at all - much less lingering ones for Benji Madden. I'd always assumed she climbed on top of him in an effort to one up Nicole Richie (who's nabbed the other Madden bro, Joel.) What other surprises does Paris have up her coochie sleeve?

[Photo Credit]

Missing Girl

Morgan-Dana-Harrington-Missing-poster.jpgPanty Line Press is lucky enough to have readers from all over the world. I thought I'd reprint this story in hopes of helping spread the information. Please contact the proper authorities if you happen to know something regarding this case. I'm praying this incident has a happy ending.

[A 20-year-old Virginia Tech student, Morgan Dana Harrington, was last seen on October 17, 2009 outside of John Paul Jones Arena in Charlottesville, Virginia.  She was at the venue to attend a Metallica concert, and left her friends to use the restroom during a performance by the heavy metal band.

The young woman's roommate Amanda Melvin doesn't know why Harrington left the arena.  She told police investigators that a short time after her friend left the concert, Harrington phoned to say that she had ended up outside the arena and couldn't get back in so she would meet up with them later.

Morgan's purse and cell phone, with the batteries removed, were found in the parking lot after the show, and her car was still there.

Metallica has taken the disappearance seriously enough to post photos and information on their website, requesting the public's help in locating the young woman.  A missing poster on their site indicates that Crime Stoppers has issued a $100,000 reward for information.  The FBI has now joined the search. Metallica has also added $50,000 to the reward.

Harrington, a junior majoring in education, was last seen wearing a black T-shirt with the band name Pantera across the front, a black mini-skirt with black tights and knee-high black boots.  She is described as having blue eyes, blonde hair, 5-foot-6 and 120 pounds.]

You can also report any information to the Find Morgan website. 

Angelina Jolie's Modus Operandi

Thumbnail image for angelina-jolie-with-horse.jpgApparently Angelina Jolie's history of man-swiping began a long time ago - and allegedly her first victim was her own mother! Though I doubt it's much solace to Laura Dern or Jennifer Aniston, it does provide some interesting insight into one of the world's most infamous femme fatals. Details

[Angelina Jolie bedded her mum's boyfriend, according to a new biography. Controversial writer Andrew Morton alleges that the star slept with Marcheline Bertrand's live-in lover when she was just 16. Angelina was devastated when her mother died of cancer, in 2007, at the age of 56. Reports in Now magazine claim that the two women struggled to rebuild their relationship after the Changeling star confessed to the night of passion. 

"Marcheline had a live-in boyfriend whom she was very much in love with, but Ange slept with him when she was 16 and barely out of school," said a source. "Her mother found out and ended her relationship with the man. "When Ange admitted the story to her brother James just a few weeks ago, even he turned on her. She has hardly anyone left in life who likes or trusts her."]

Angelina reportedly "has hardly anyone left in life who likes or trusts her" - isn't that called "reaping what you sow?"

[Photo Credit: Aw, man - don't tell me she's also after National Velvet!]

Denise Richards Multi-Tasks?

Thumbnail image for denise-richards-tribal-string-bikini.jpgDenise Richards accidentally Tweeted her phone number the other day, reportedly resulting in a deluge of calls. Convenient theory of a lonely gal looking for attention or a harried mother/reality "star" making an innocent mistake? This is Denise Richards we're talking about, so I'm going with the "looking for attention" angle. I'm surprised she also didn't Tweet a request for more of Charlie Sheen's sperm while she was at it! A few details, courtesy of Celebitchy

[Denise explained her mistake by tweeting that she was trying to multi-task and got distracted "thats what I get trying to make lunches, breakfast and tweet at the same time. sometimes multitask is too much... i was on tweetdeck and all the screens were up and just wasnt paying attention. lots of calls though.." Denise has 1.28 million followers on Twitter. She seems to have changed her phone number as a result. She tweeted "ok number is changed!! won't make that mistake again." Since I'm nice and don't feel like talking to Denise Richards anyway, I didn't check and call the number.]

I can't decide what's more bizarre about this story - the fact that Denise was able to get her number changed so quickly or the fact that she has over one million followers. Life continues to remain a mystery to me!

[Photo Credit: Whoopsies!]

Nothing To Regret Here!

khloe-kardashian-lamar-odom-hand-tattoos.jpgKhloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom continue their crash course with divorce court destiny. Not that this comes as a surprise, but in addition to the rushed nuptials and the ridiculous pre-nup agreement, the inevitable tattoos have followed. Details

["I think the best tattoo experiences are the spontaneous ones, because that way you are not only left with the tattoo, but an amazing memory to go along with it!... I just knew I wanted a tattoo for Lamar in the web of my hand, and then once we got to the shop we decided on getting each other's initials.  I got "LO" in cursive on my right hand and he got "KO" on both hands."]

The amazing memories - and the junk food! I love the Hostess trash in the background. Tres romantique! The best part? The tats can easily be turned into something else: Lamar can easily claim he meant KO for "knockout!" And Khloe? Just add an "L" and you'll have LOL - laugh out loud - which is exactly what I want to do when I think about this union.

Bold!

paul-haggis-main-wikipedia.jpgIt takes a lot to stand up for what you believe in - here's an interesting example of such a case. The details, courtesy of Bitten & Bound

[Famed Oscar award winning director for Million Dollar Baby and Crash, Paul Haggis has taken the bold step of renouncing Scientology in a scathing letter addressed to the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre head Tommy Davis.

The letter, published on the blog of ex-Scientologist Marty Rathbun, cited the church's history of gay-bashing as one of the reasons he is leaving the church. He grew angry with Scientology's support of Proposition 8 in California's ban on gay marriage. He wrote, "The church's refusal to denounce the actions of bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly.  I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent."

Haggis also found fault with the practice of disconnection. He said, "You might recall that my wife was ordered to disconnect from her parents because of something absolutely trivial they supposedly did twenty-five years ago when they resigned from the church. Although it caused her terrible personal pain, my wife broke off all contact with them. I refused to do so. I've never been good at following orders, especially when I find them morally reprehensible."

Haggis resigned his membership and fully expects that private information disclosed by him during Scientology audit sessions will be made public in a smear campaign of retaliation.]

I wonder what took Paul so long? It seems those alleged tenets of the "religion" would have been evident a long time ago. However, kudos for finally moving on. Will Tom Cruise be next? Something tells me "no"... 

[Photo Credit]

I Think He's Confused About The Meaning Of The Word "Parody"

ojina-noa-jennifer-lopez-married-couple-1997.jpgJennifer Lopez's first husband is set to make a film about his days with J.Lo and her butt - if only she'd let him! Ojani Noa would very much like to tell you about his marriage to Lopez in the form of a "mockumentary." I, for one, am all for it - I always thought there was a touch of "Spinal Tap" to Jennifer. Naturally the Queen Bee ("b" is for bottom!) ain't gonna let this go down without a fight. Here's the juicy scoop, via Perez

[Jennifer Lopez's legal team have sent a cease and desist letter to halt production of How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J-lo and and Ojani Noa Story, a mockumentary about life with the star. The film, which is currently casting and scheduled to shoot in February, chronicles the life of Ojani Noa, a model/waiter/Cuban immigrant, and his pursuit of Jennifer, similar to Borat's love of Pamela Anderson.  

But, this is not the first time he's tried to capitalize on the fame of his ex-wife! Noa received an injunction in 2007 to prohibit him from "licensing, disseminating, distribution... any book manuscript or other written materials which contain private or intimate details about Lopez or Noa's relationship with Lopez." Although he claims that this film is a "100% parody," there is no doubt he has it out for her!

Noa blames Jennifer for never being able to get his career back on track and cheating him out of a proper divorce settlement. Oh, and she supposedly effed a bunch of dudes while married! "The whole movie is about me coming to this country and getting my dream shut down by somebody who I thought was a good person," said Noa. "I was in totally in love with her. I gave my soul to her. It wasn't my fault she shared it with 3 people. I was angry."]

She shared Noa's soul with three other people? Or is he saying his soul resided in her vagina, of which she generously shared, while they were hitched? If that's the case, I think Ben Affleck's soul might still be trapped in there as well. I wish Jennifer would get out of the damn way and let Ojani make his docu - err - mockumentary. Lopez bugs the shit out of me, but I would still pay to see this hot mess of a film.

[Photo Credit: The formerly married couple in happier days.]

The Blessed Child Has Arrived - Mother Still Delusional

jude-law-baby-hello-mag-cvr.jpgSophia Law has arrived. No, it's not a new rule implemented by a society of Mean Girls - it's Jude Law's bastard child that he conceived with a woman he can barely remember! I can't decide if the baby momma is delusional or wildly optimistic. Here's the scoop

[Samantha Burke, baby mama of Jude Law's youngest daughter Sophia, has negotiated a cover deal with HELLO! magazine for the first peek at the couple's 5-week-old love child. The 25-year-old Floridian was reportedly paid $300,000 for a photo shoot and interview.  According to the cover headline, Burke tells the full amazing story of her affair with the actor.]

"Amazing story of her affair?" If that means "he saw a warm body and she saw dollar signs" then I'm sure it'll be quite a page-turner! I also love the quote on the cover: 

["Jude hasn't met Sophia yet... but I am sure he will be a wonderful father.]

Indeed, by all accounts, he is a wonderful father - to the children he made with a woman who actually means something to him. If Samantha is expecting more than an occasional check in the mail, she's got another thing coming. And this time it won't be Jude! As for Law, I'm sure he wakes up everyday thinking, "Condoms, condoms. Must use condoms!"

Pete Wentz Sounds Like A Really Great Husband

Pete-Wentz-Dancing-Girls-Vegas.jpgWhat would you do the night your partner got fired from a high-profile job? If you chose to leave that person home alone with a sick kid and go out partying - well, not only would that make you seem like a selfish asshole, it would also make you Pete Wentz! Check Mr. Homemaker's lovely evening

[The night Ashlee Simpson-Wentz got booted off Melrose Place, she was busy playing her most important role: mommy! "She's home with Bronx," Pete Wentz explained of Ashlee's absence from last night's Guess? and Vanity Fair party for the Invisible Children charity. "He has a 101-degree fever. We're just glad it's not swine flu!" he continued.

The freshly shorn rocker was a cohost at the charity fête along with Kristen Bell and Rachel Bilson--which sort of explains why he wasn't home tucking Bronx into bed or consoling his suddenly unemployed wife. Only that wasn't the only party he hit last night...

Pete also stopped by the Hello Kitty 35th anniversary celebration - but was it that important for the Fall Out Boy frontman to delay going home to his wife and kid so that he could attend an extra event? Survey says: Only if he scored one of the extra-big dolls to take home to Bronx!]

I'm not a parent, but it seems that a 101-degree fever for a baby would be a bit worrisome. And I'm not unemployed, but if I were to suddenly lose my job I would hope that my partner would hang out with me that night. Can't these two afford a nanny so they can go out together? Or, better yet, can't Party Pete afford to stay in for the night? 

[Photo Credit: Nothing wrong here!]

Somewhere Jennifer Aniston Is Laughing


Oooh, Brad Pitt is going to get in so much trouble with Angelina Jolie! Watch the clip above to see Brad's near miss on his brand-new motorcycle. Thank god he's okay - and I'm being totally serious on that front. Here are a few details on the accident, via Bitten & Bound

[Brad Pitt was driving around Beverly Hills when he lost control of his brand new motorcycle after a close encounter with a member of the paparazzi. The photographer reportedly cut Brad off in traffic. Pitt then attempted to weave between two cars and his handlebar clipped a parked vehicle. He lost his balance and ended up dumping the bike on its side, just hours after he took possession of the new wheels. Pitt was likely more embarrassed than upset by the mini crash. Pitt had words with the paparazzo and then walked into the courtyard of a nearby apartment building to get away from gathering photographers. He was picked up a short time later, leaving his bike at the curb until another assistant arrived on the scene to load it up into a black pickup truck.]

I wonder if he was on one of his many "desperately trying to get away from Angie" rides through the city. I'm sure she was haranguing him relentlessly about his party-boy ways. Damn you, Angelina Jolie - it's all your fault! I hope you're happy... And a sharp "shame on you" to the person who cut Brad off in traffic. You can't kill the goose that lays the golden eggs! I enjoy a good scoop as much as the next person - but not at the expense of someone's personal safety.

The Sexy Way To Get Through Flu Season

hello-kitty-medical-masks.jpgNext time I fly, I'm totally wearing one of these! All that recycled air will feel better with a swanky Hello, Kitty filter. Now if we could only find one to fit around Paris Hilton's coochie. The Center for Disease Control could have an easier job very soon... We already know Hilton is a fan of the famed kitty - she and her personal assistant boyfriend were recently whooping it up in honor of the favorite Sanrio. More

[The couple recently attended the Hello Kitty 35th anniversary celebration, where Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt were hanging out. Now, we understand the heiress stepping out to honor the cartoon cat. "Half of my room is covered with Hello Kitty," she told E! News.]

If you're already got half the room, what's wrong with half the body? Work with me here Paris - it's for the good of the world. 

[Photo Credit: Smile!]

Don't Hold Your Breath


Perhaps this is why Nicolas Cage had to sell the island! Naw - actually this looks kind of cool, especially in the area of special effects. However, don't hold your breath - you can't line up for this one until Spring of 2010. By that time Nic could have a whole new head of hair, a new wife to bring to the premiere or even a new island. What will the red carpet bring? It's like Christmas - if Christmas took place during a warmer season and a moody actor was in your living room instead of Santa Claus.

Back Away From The Rashida!

rashida-jones-main-wikipedia.jpgDear John Mayer, Keep your dirty weenie away from my precious Rashida Jones. You do not deserve her! 

Dear Rashida, Darling I know the loss of John Krasinski must cut like a knife - but you have to trust that this too shall pass. You will find someone deserving of your complete awesomeness. Hint: that person is not John Mayer. I know you must be drowning in a bit of despair as Krasinski's marriage to Emily Blunt draws near. Just know that she suffered years of Michael Buble near her privates. Perhaps that knowledge will help fill you with forgiveness. It's hard to wait for love - and I'm not saying you don't deserve a naughty hookup or two. But please don't sell yourself short in the process. Here are the details of the incident that should have never come to pass: 

[John Mayer is up to his old tricks again. The womanizer found himself new prey and he's going to extremes to impress her. John was spotted on a romantic date with actress Rashida Jones Friday night at the Chateau Marmont, Hollyscoop can confirm exclusively.

The couple was having dinner in a secluded area when John "took the guitar from someone who was performing and at the Chateau and performed an impromptu performance for Rashida." His audience included Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. The crowd "went wild when he performed his new song," an eyewitness tells Hollyscoop exclusively. Mayer got such a great response from fellow diners, he even performed his hit "Your Body is a Wonderland" for Rashida. Rashida and John left together in the wee hours...looks like Jennifer Aniston is out of picture!]

OMG! What kind of douchebag brings a guitar to a dinner date - and the offers up an "impromptu" performance? One that features a song you wrote about your ex-girlfriend ("Your Body Is A Wonderland" was penned for Jennifer Love Hewitt.) We're talking about John Mayer, so there's your answer! Rashida - what happened to rumors of a relationship with President Obama's whiz-kid speechwriter Jon Favreau? That's a much better match!

[Photo Credit]

UPDATE: A lovely reader wrote in to alert me that Rashida's publicist has recently denied any romance rumors with John Mayer. As of today it is believed that she's still dating Jon Favreau. That's my girl! Thanks for the info Ella!

Damn You, David Boreanza!

david-boreanza-main-wikipedia.jpgWhere have all the good guys gone? I'm sure David Boreanza's wife, Jaime Bergman, is asking herself the same question! David is currently dodging allegations of cheating on his spouse while she was pregnant. I didn't want to believe it, but the news ain't looking so good. Is there one hot guy out there who can keep it in his pants, aside from my fiance? The dirty details, courtesy of Star Magazine: (Click on the link for a photo of David with his paramour.)

[David Boreanaz and his wife of eight years, Jaime Bergman, were all lovey-dovey at the opening night of Cirque du Soleil's Kooza on Oct. 16. But behind their smiles, the couple is dealing with a dark revelation: David cheated on Jaime throughout her recent pregnancy!

Star has learned exclusively that the Bones star -- who welcomed daughter Bardot six weeks ago -- was seeing brunette beauty Rachel Uchitel, a NYC events planner, since the spring when he celebrated his 40th birthday at a club she works for, Griffin. "He was attracted to Rachel and asked her for her number," says an insider. "She gave him her card, and he texted her that night to have a drink with him. She went, and they had a major connection."

During their relationship, which Rachel ended two weeks after Bardot's birth, David and Rachel saw each other once a month in NYC or L.A., and spoke on the phone or via text message up to 50 times a day! Even though their romance was long-distance, when together, the chemistry was electric. "David would walk in the door, and they'd have sex right away," reveals the insider. "He told her, 'Every time I have sex with you is like the first time.

But although David promised to leave his wife, Rachel tired of sharing him with Jaime and their two children (the couple also has a 7-year-old son). The final straw for Rachel came when David was in the delivery room with Jaime for their daughter's birth on Aug. 31. "He was on the phone with Rachel, giving updates," says the insider. "That grossed her out, because she felt that should have been private."]

Yikes! I'd have to say that the gleaming clue in all of this is "his 40th birthday party." I guess Boreanza didn't get the memo that forty is the new thirty. He had at least a decade before deciding on a younger woman or a red sports car!

[Photo Credit]

The Wedding Rumors Persist

nicole-richie-joel-madden-wedding-star-mag-cvr.jpgAh, waifish Nicole - have you or haven't you? One thing you have done for sure - surpassed Paris Hilton on the scale of "classy." Not that it was exactly difficult to accomplish, but congratulations nonetheless. I feel like there was something else... Ah-ha! Marriage. Reportedly Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have finally gotten hitched. Rumors have been swirling for awhile that the happy parents secretly wed - and Star Magazine claims to have the scoop. Read on

[Just one month after welcoming baby Sparrow into their family, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden marked another major milestone: They tied the knot! In our Nov. 2 issue -- on sale now -- we exclusively report that the long-time loves exchanged vows during an intimate at-home ceremony on Oct. 14 with Joel's brother and bandmate Benji as a witness. But the couple were hardly alone on their big day. They were actually married -- along with 45,000 other people worldwide! -- as part of a mass wedding by the Unification Church.

"Joel had been begging Nicole to get married since before Harlow was born. She wasn't in a rush to make it official," a source says. But when her first love, Adam Goldstein (aka DJ AM), died of a sudden drug overdose in August, she decided to take the plunge. "She didn't want to spend another day not being Mrs. Joel Madden."

But she also didn't want a big, splashy affair. "Nicole is a free spirit, and she wanted a wedding ceremony that reflected that" a source says. "She found out about the mass wedding online and thought it would be perfect for the two of them."]

While I doubt the validity of the "mass online wedding," I don't doubt that these two could have quietly wed. I'm sure they still have plans for a big party at some point. A leopard can't change all it's spots! 

[Star Magazine Cover]

We Don't Know The Whole Story, But...


I'm praying that there's more to this than it looks - 'cuz right now it seems that David Spade agreed to star in a commercial that uses the image of his beloved deceased friend, Chris Farely, for cash. Perhaps he donated his salary to a good, Chris-related cause? Let's hope so. David, who was unable to attend Farely's funeral because he didn't want to see his friend in a box, seems to have no problem sharing screen-time with him in another kind of box! Did you know Chris was set to provide the voice for the first Shrek film? After his death the part was (obviously) given to fellow SNL alum Mike Meyers. Poor Chris was set to helm one of the most successful animated features of all time. Let's hope he's resting in peace - and that David does the right thing with his hard-earned cash. 

Three's Company!

avril-lavigne-main-wikipedia.jpgThe ink is not even dry on Avril Lavigne's divorce papers - but that isn't stopping her from moving in with greasy oil-heir Brandon Davis. Not that Avril's ex, Deryck Whibley, has wasted any time either - he was recently spotted making out with a very friendly girl at a tattoo parlor. Sounds like his former wife beat him to the punch - rumors have been swirling for months that Lavigne and Davis (Mischa Barton's ex) were spending a lot of "quality" time together while Avril was still married. There's a debate as to whether Avril and Brandon are dating or if they're merely party buddies. Both having been known to allegedly share a fondness for a certain white powder. Regardless of the state of their union, one thing is known for sure - these two are shakin' up! Check it out, courtesy of Evil Beet

[The two supposedly have been seeing each other since the split, but their move in seems more recession-friendly than serious. From Hollyscoop: "Avril is selling her home where she lived with Deryck, while Brandon still lives in his family's Bel-Air mansion....They both needed a place to live, so they decided to move in together."

This is the first woman that Brandon has ever lived with and Avril isn't even divorced yet, so I don't anticipate this relationship going anywhere. I actually, deep down, genuinely feel that eventually one of them is going to wind up stabbing the other in a coke-fueled rage. I think this is probably a massive mistake, but they didn't ask me so whatever...]

This sounds like a half-baked idea, at best. It's a shame that these tough economic times have supposedly forced these two to bunk in the same mansion! Will the indignities ever end? Meanwhile it's also rumored that Avril recently went to Hawaii with an heir of another kind - this one owns a bunch of pineapples! More

[Avril Lavigne was partying like a single gal even before she and husband Deryk Whibley announced their split on Sept. 17. So it's no shocker that the "Sk8er Boi" singer has already jumped into a new relationship - with Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. "Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they've been holed up at his place," an insider tells Star. "Avril's had a thing for Justin for a while." Indeed, the two were caught getting close at L.A.'s Delux Bar last December.

But Avril, 25, isn't ready to go public yet, says the insider. "That's fine by him - it means they'll spend more time alone!" As for Deryck, he stepped out with model Hanna Beth Merjos in Las Vegas on Oct. 2.]

I'm sure the wild "rocker" chick knows what to do with those pineapple rings...

[Photo Credit]

There's Gold In Them Thar Hills

paris-hilton-boob-job.jpgParis Hilton, once a crusader for flat-chested women everywhere, has jumped ship. The vessel she's landed upon? Let's just say her nipples read "due North." As if I'm not already going to hell, I came another step closer last night when I added a Paris Hilton movie to my "instant watch" Netflix queue. Then I did something truly terrible - I actually watched it. Granted it was with friends and we were drinking champagne - but it still made me feel dirty. Bottoms Up indeed! You will laugh until you cry - if you can manage to get through the entire thing. I recommend drinking every time she delivers a line in a monotone voice. You will be wasted. Jason Mewes is her co-star and Kevin Smith has a supporting role. I'm guessing this movie was made on the strength of Kevin's willingness to join the cast. One can only assume that Kevin Smith is a very good friend! I'm sure it was Jason's dream to make out with Paris. Mission accomplished! Moving on. I'm really upset about this breast augmentation situation. Now how will we tell Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton apart? I imagine this as Pamela's open letter to Hilton: 

[Dear Paris, I don't want to have anything in common with you. Now when people see your new, luscious rack they're going to ask you if it was inspired by me. You're going to have to say "yes" if you want to shed your party girl image and start telling the truth. Also, and I'm asking nicely, please don't make out with Tommy Lee. xo, Pammy]

[Photo Credit: Though she has yet to confirm the alleged boob job, one would assume this is more than the handiwork of a push-up bra!]

Bronson Pinchot Hits The Big Time!

Thumbnail image for bronson-pinchot.jpgTurns out a lot of people were rabidly curious about Bronson Pinchot's refreshingly honest interview in The Onion's A.V. Club - the forthright, juicy article has even attracted the attention of the Wall Street Journal! The best part? Bronson doesn't backpedal at all - and even dishes a little more dirt in Denzel Washington's direction. I'm enjoying this for the honesty as much as the scoops. It's rare for someone in the public eye to avoid the temptation to spin the truth. Check it out, via The Wall Street Journal:

[Were you serious or joking when you said Tom Cruise made "constant unrelated homophobic comments" while on the "Risky Business" set? 
The context of the question was, "how did he strike me as a person" at a point in his career when he was a virtual unknown. And my answer was that, coming straight out of the world of theater, as essentially all the supporting male actors did, where homophobic language was not heard, I remember thinking his use of it was remarkable and excessive; however, it is also true to say, in hindsight, that for a 20 year-old with no background in theater, such language is actually unremarkable. Which I did not know at 23.

What about the remark that Denzel Washington is one of the most unpleasant people you've met? 
I regret my choice of words there, and would like to amend my statement by saying I found his willingness to be ungenerous, unkind, knowingly hurtful both mentally and physically to myself and the crew to be the saddest misuse of stardom I have ever experienced or hope to experience.

Did either actor, or their reps, contact you after the story broke?
No.

Are you surprised at how quickly your remarks went viral on the Web? 
Yes.

What do you think of celebrities who have Twitter accounts and Facebook pages? 
Well, I am on Twitter but I have no idea how to use it.

Is it strange to suddenly be in the media spotlight again? 
Being in the spotlight is the same as riding a bicycle or having a zit; once you've experienced it, no matter how much time goes by, it's just like old times.

Have you heard from anyone unexpected? 
My mom called and said she very much liked the Onion article because I said I was sorry for being brittle with Rebeca Arthur (who played my girlfriend on Perfect Strangers) toward the end of the run. And I am.

In interviews, do you generally talk openly and honestly about people you've worked with/experiences you've had in the industry? 
I don't believe I ever have been quite so forthcoming as I was in The Onion. In the same spirit of letting-it-all-hang out, I mentioned less-than-admirable aspects of various people, I don't think I was any less forthcoming about my own weak points. Of course, no excerpted version of the Onion article will ever be able to communicate that, and it doesn't make a juicy sound byte, but it's true.

What if, for instance, I asked you what Scorsese was like on the set of "After Hours" or what you think of Eddie Murphy who you appeared with in the Beverly Hills Cop movies, would you answer forthrightly?
Yes, absolutely. Scorsese gave me a great one-liner for all my film work, for all time, and Eddie has seen the highs and the lows and is still gettin' 'er did.]

There might be a price on Pinchot's head for the honest revelations - the price being of the "you'll never work in this town again" kind of thing. I think it's a little too late for those kind of threats! Though who knows what could happen when you tangle with a Scientologist - those kids are a motley bunch! Surprisingly, Tom Cruise's publicist issued a tame, albeit hilarious, reply to Bronson's quotes about the star to Entertainment Weekly

["Obviously, this is so far removed from who Tom Cruise is as a person, this must have been said in jest."]

Ah, jest! Clearly we are meant to remember that Tom is way too busy having an active sex life with his beautiful robot wife. The homophobia Cruise is said to have exhibited is so clearly far removed from who he is a person. Isn't that the whole problem? 

[Photo Credit]

Charlize Theron's Kiss For Charity


I love Charlize Theron - perhaps not as much as the lady in the video above, but I adore her nonetheless. She's one actress I wish we saw more of on the big screen. Why does she choose to stay away for so long? Charlize, I miss you! Another thing I admire about this beautiful lady? When she agrees to help out with a charity event she really gives it her all! Check it out, via Bitten & Bound

[Charlize Theron auctioned off a kiss for charity at a OneXOne party in San Francisco Thursday night, raising $140,000. Bidding stalled at $37,000 for a South Africa/World Cup package Theron was auctioning, so she upped the ante by offering a kiss to the highest bidder. When a man bid $130,000 for a 7-second kiss, the actress told him, "Swine flu is going around. This is high risk kissing!" A second man bid $135,000, but the $140,000 winning bid came from a woman, who took the stage for a 20-second, girl-on-girl make-out session with the Oscar-winning actress.]

Thanks to TMZ for the video - this heartwarming story wouldn't be the same without the girl-on-girl action!

A Confused Dynasty

lamar-odom-khloe-kardashian-kitson-event.jpgSay what you will about a man who decided to wed a woman he'd known for a month - but you think he'd at least know where he came from! It turns out Lamar Odom might be as flaky as Khloe Kardashian - or, much like the competitive reality star, he might be very much into reworking history! Check it out, via the beloved Evil Beet

[No wonder the prenup took so long! I didn't realize this, but Khloe Kardashian married into royalty, y'all! Last night the newly-minted couple appeared at a Kitson event, and Lamar was asked if he wanted more kids. I'd like to take this moment to mention that Khloe hasn't even met Lamar's pre-existing little princes and princesses. And how the hell do you marry someone when you haven't even observed how they interact with your kids? Okay, so about having kids with Khloe, Lamar replied "That's what kings and queens are put on the earth for, to have offspring."]

Ummm, I guess that makes his previous baby momma a queen as well? She's got three of his precious seedlings already! Sounds like Lamar is planning on heading an interesting "kingdom." Meanwhile, these lovebirds are so busy with their fame-whoring work that they haven't even had time to schedule a honeymoon! Doesn't sound very royal to me

[This new couple may be too busy to take a honeymoon, but they're making time to attend Hollywood parties. Monday night, the lovebirds stepped out for their first official function together--Lamar's Laker teammate Kobe Bryant's bash. Kobe was celebrating his L'Uomo Vogue cover at Philippe Chow restaurant, while Khloé was showing off her new svelte figure in a see-through dress (sans underwear, it appears).]

Ah, a queen without panties. Careful, Paris Hilton might get jealous. I hear those extensions of hers can get wicked in a cat fight!

[Photo Credit: Where are their crowns?]

Call On Me - I Have The Answer

perez-hilton-peta-ad.jpgWhatever you think of Perez Hilton, personally or otherwise, those of his ilk have helped catapult blogging about gossip to international attention. That means someone like me can hope to have a viable career in the same industry and make money - i.e. write about celebrities whilst still in my pajamas. Live to dream. Normally I leave Perez (and his band of ghostwriters) to their world of misspellings and penis drawings - but yesterday I read something that absolutely made my blood boil. It must be corrected! Here is the post

[We're going to assume this has something to do with loyalties, but we should also point out that neither Kristen Bell or Jane Lynch need this two-bit comedy on the Starz network. They are HUGE stars and should not be degraded this way. But hey, their careers, not ours!

Regardless, news came in this afternoon that Gossip Girl and Sue Sylvester will be reprising their roles in the network's show Party Down. They'll be joined this season by Megan Mullaly, who also is too big of a name for a show that no one has heard of. Or maybe it is just us. Do U know what the hell this show is?]

I have heard of this show - and it is amazing! Party Down is one of the funniest things to hit television in a long time. Envision a marriage of The Office with a little bit of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia thrown in for spice. The show sports a stellar cast - including Adam Scott (who did a hilarious turn in Step Brothers) and Lizzy Caplan (who portrayed outcast Janis Ian in Mean Girls. Yet another Mean Girls alum to eclipse former star Lindsay Lohan.) Not only that, nearly entire cast has ties to Veronica Mars - explaining Kristen Bell's guest appearance. To top it off, one of the producers is the beloved Paul Rudd. Paul is my true love - and no one talks shit about my man. Sure, our love is complicated by the fact that I'm engaged to someone else. Oh, and he's married and couldn't pick me out of a lineup. Small details - we'll work it out! Anyways, to Perez - today in "gettin' schooled" I give myself an A+!

[Photo Credit: Save the seals! Click on the "photo credit" link for a hilarious post on Webster's Is My Bitch.]

Party Down Season 1 is available to watch instantly on Netflix. I highly recommend that you check it out! Season 2 is airing now on Starz...

The Beautiful Lollipop

kate-bosworth-main-wikipedia.jpgKate Bosworth - what do we think of her? She seems like a sweetheart, albeit a slightly troubled one. I root for her because she comes across as precious and fragile - and, when she deigns to eat, she has a rockin' bikini body. Good enough for me! However she seems to be stirring the pot with her alleged interest in Alexander Skarsgard (of True Blood fame, which I have yet to watch. I know! I'll get to it, I promise.) Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because she's inciting a heated debate on the Internet as to her "worthiness." I think the ladies might be a tad jealous - this is the same girl who snagged Orlando Bloom and then drowned her sorrows in the form of hot model James Rousseau. Here's an interesting take on this burning issue, via Lainey Gossip

[If you're an Alex Skarsgard fan, this is not something you should be happy about. Because Kate Bosworth...well... she has some issues. In addition to the non-existent relationship with food, there are also those loud rumours alleging the use of appetite suppressants. In powder form, of course. There is nothing solid to suggest they are dating, but she is willing it. Hard. It's her method.

My sources tell me as of 3 weeks ago, Skarsgard was still with Evan Rachel Wood. What their status is right this minute is unknown. But Kate has supposedly been working it relentlessly on set, tearfully pretending to lean on him for support every time she gets into an argument with that nefarious model James Rousseau with whom she's had an on/off romance the last 3 years. Kate pulled the same sh-t with Jim Sturgess during production for 21. His serious girlfriend didn't seem to deter her. Jim however, sweetie, was unresponsive to her wiles. Remains to be seen about Alex.]

Frankly I don't care if Kate keeps Mount Everest in her designer handbag - anything or anyone is better than Evan Rachel Wood! Evan is a kick-ass actress - but I get the "evil bitch" vibe from her that goes well beyond her past man-swiping incident with Dita Von Teese. And as far as Jim Sturgess goes? Well, I've heard he actually wasn't so well-behaved on the set of 21 - but I can't reveal my source, so you'll just have to chalk it up to hearsay. One more juicy tidbit, via Celebitchy

[Meanwhile Stacie, who is a certified Orlando Bloom-loonie and official friend of Celebitchy, also has some thoughts about Kate. According to Stacie, I shouldn't even get her started on Kate, because "she was much hated in the Orlando Bloom fandom for being a famewhore. My biggest beef with her was that she used her skeletal skinniness to get attention." Stacie also claims that "Kate was allegedly on the short list to be Tom Cruise's next wife, only she lost out to Katie Holmes." Meow! I had never heard that stuff about Tom Cruise and Bosworth - I did, however, hear it about Scarlett Johansson. Here's my question - why kind of girl does Alexander Skarsgard really like? He seems to have weird taste in women, if his hookups with Evan Rachel Wood and Kate are any indication.]

Luckily Bosworth is small enough to have dodged the bullet that would have been an unholy TomKat union of another name. I guess not everyone is interested in giving up their freedom for money! Only time will tell how this all shakes down... 

[Photo Credit: Kate Bosworth, human lollipop! Also, men like to lick her.]

That's Really Gonna Hurt Tomorrow!


But in the meantime, I'm sure he's having a grand old time! Watch this hilarious video - one of the drunkest men ever caught on tape attempts to buy more beer. He did not succeed.  You can click here to watch the original security footage - though this version really takes the cake. And if you need to get a little funky, you can check out the inevitable dance remix here. Enjoy your weekend - but not quite as much as this guy!

Ouch, My Eyes!

david-letterman-main-wikipedia.jpgThey're burning - burning, I tell you! Oh, wait everything is okay. I was just getting ready for them to burn in the event that this David Letterman sex tape exists. What's that, you ask? 

[A studio surveillance tape reportedly caught the 62-year-old star and a much-younger female co-worker in a compromising position
(The tape could end his marriage and) persuade worried CBS execs to hammer the final nail into the talk-show host's late-night career - and could play a key role in the trial of the producer who allegedly tried to blackmail him.
"If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it'll explode his marriage to smithereens," revealed a close source.
"It's one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It's another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.]

No need to fret or waste your hard-earned dollars on expensive eye protection - this report is via the National Enquirer. It appears we're safe... for now. 

There's Less Bacon Coming To The Simpson-Wentz Household

ashlee-simpson-wentz-main-wikipedia.jpgAshlee Simpson-Wentz's "acting" gig has thankfully come to a close on the redux of Melrose Place - though I don't expect this to be the last we'll hear from the Irish-jig loving lady. What will baby Bronx do? Mama is unemployed and daddy's band sucks! Details

[Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is moving out of Melrose Place - the actress and her costar Colin Egglesfield have been cut from the CW drama, Entertainment Weekly reports.

The decision to cut the two actors has been "the original plan going into the development of the show," executive producer Todd Slavkin tells EW. "We felt that once the murder mystery [involving their characters] was resolved, the tone of the show was going to shift ... and [Simpson-Wentz's] character would move on."

In a statement released after the announcement, Simpson-Wentz said, "Having the chance to play Violet on Melrose Place has been a thrill. Although I always knew her story would come to a final, insanely unpredictable end, playing a creepy, unstable character was something I always wanted to do, so I jumped at the chance. Thanks to the CW and the entire cast and crew of Melrose Place for allowing me this opportunity."]

Oh, she calls playing a "creepy, unstable character" acting? I thought she was playing herself! I jest - but one may recall her drunken smack-down with Michelle Trachtenburg and wonder how much she picked up from the cheesy nighttime soap opera! 

[Photo Credit]

Puh-leeze!

Thumbnail image for lindsay-ali-sister-portrait.jpegThat's probably how Ali Lohan thinks "please" is spelled - she is gettin' some home schooling via Dina Lohan and we all know what a genius she's turned out to be. Never fear - according to the esteemed Lindsay Lohan, we don't have to worry about Ali. If there's one thing Linds is known for, it's her sound opinions. Read on

[We've been seeing Lindsay Lohan drag her 15-year-old sister, Ali, around to various late-night events (but) according to Lindsay, Ali can handle it.
"She's tougher than I am," Linds told Life & Style. "She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn't know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn't have a big sister."
Already, Ali's got one thing going for her because she knows when to call it a night and do her homework...
"She's really good about that," Lindsay says. "If I'm going out late, she'll go home early."]

I don't know how everyone in that family can turn a blind eye to this situation. Has anyone seen Lindsay benefit from this lifestyle? Sure, Ali may look thirty - but she's still a minor. We've still got at least three years before the Playboy pictorial. I guess Lindsay still has enough money leftover for a spankin' fake I.D. for her underaged sister - and enough cash and/or coke on hand to grease the palms of doormen...

The Huffington Post Is Keeping It Spicy

tracy-morgan-wikipedia.jpgThe normally conservative Huffington Post has an interesting tag for a recent item. The headline made me laugh out loud, so I had to share: "Tracy Morgan Loves Anal, Lorne Michaels." Not in that order, or even together - but you wouldn't know that from the way it reads! Since we're on the subject of the hilarious Tracy Morgan, I'll go ahead and share an excerpt from his interview in Playboy. Enjoy! 

[On Lorne Michaels' post-racial powers: He's been like a dad to me. I remember when I was on Saturday Night Live my first year and I wasn't getting much. I was down; I was ready to quit. It was three o'clock in the morning, man, I'll never forget. Makes me want to cry sometimes when I think about it. I love that man. I love that man. [long pause; starts to cry] I'm sorry, man. Excuse me. [another long pause] Son of a bitch... motherfucker's good. I remember one time Lorne took me to his office, and he said, "Tracy, you are here not because you're black. You're here because you're fucking funny, man." [bursts into tears again; wipes face with shirt] Changed my whole perspective. I wasn't so guarded anymore. I knew white people weren't so fucked-up. I could've fallen into some dark shit, but he wouldn't let me. I left his office, and I was crying for, like, two hours. It made all the difference to me, not just for my career but for my life. They say every Jewish man is supposed to love one black motherfucker in this life. I'm glad Lorne Michaels chose me.

On his midwife skills: I've got my third-degree black belt and I've gotten several women pregnant, so I've moved on to other things. These days I'm into bike riding and breaking water. I like breaking women's water. If you're pregnant and you need your water broken, you need your labor induced, give me a call and I'll ride my bike over and take care of it.

On his passion for anal: I like fucking ass! Ain't nothin' like the butthole. The ass is a delicacy, goddamn it. I'd put hot sauce on it. When you eat the brown hole, that's when her toes do this. [sticks legs out and curls toes] You got to be willing to do anything to please your woman, to satisfy her. I didn't invent it. You think I was the first one to think of having anal sex with a girl? Hell, no. I'm quite sure Adam fucked Eve in the ass. In the Garden of Eden he tore her ass up, and she was screaming like a motherfucker. 

On Tina Fey: Tina is my baby girl. She's my sister from another mother of a different color. I'd do 25 to life for her. She is down like four flat tires. She pitched the show to me like, "Yo, this is your personality. It's your alter ego." She always says, "Keep the cameras rolling and let Tracy do what he do." I love that about her.]

Some "Jealous" Person Swiped The Family Jewels!

Keeping_Up_with_the_Kardashians.JPG.jpegToday we're talking jewelry, not balls - a refreshing change of pace on PLP! I mentioned the other day that Kourtney Kardashian's townhouse was broken into and she was relieved of several thousand dollars worth of jewelry in the process. The timing seemed odd - and it turns out I'm not the only one who thinks so! Check it out

[Who swiped $100,000 in jewelry from Kourtney Kardashian's pad?

"We have a hunch!" mom Kris Jenner -- with Kourtney's sister Khloe also chiming in -- hinted today during a chat on On Air with Ryan Seacrest." It was a group thing," Jenner continued, as she and Khloe noted fishy details about the Oct. 17 robbery in Kourtney's Calabasas, Calif. home, suggesting the thieves are "jealous" folks with inside access to the reality-show family.

"Here's the thing," Jenner explains to Seacrest. "We're in principal production on a reality show [with] cameras rolling at all times. So somebody had to know exactly what time to get in and get out. When cameras weren't rolling. It was just very interesting, the timing."

Also suspect? "They also knew her alarm system was down at the time," Khloe says.

Most telling of all, Jenner argues, "They knew what they were going in for. There were laptops laying on her bed; nobody touched the laptops."

"And they knew what was real jewelry and what was costume jewelry," Khloe says.

The stolen item that hurts the most, Jenner admits, is a watch that she gave the girls' late father, Robert Kardashian, on their wedding day, which Jenner passed on to Kourtney. "That was a really special piece of jewelry I had given my first born daughter -- now it's gone."]

Kris better hope she's right in accusing someone from the "reality show family" - otherwise she's going to be stuck with some seriously unflattering camera angles for the upcoming season! I do agree that the timing seems awfully convenient. What else is convenient? How easily the Kardashian family is managing to garner so much press for doing nothing. Sounds like a pretty familiar formula!

[Photo Credit]

The More Gerard Butler Makes The Rounds, The Less Attractive He Becomes

gerard-butler-main-wikipedia.jpgYou could also insert Bradley Cooper and John Mayer's names in there as well. Interesting coincidence that they've all been linked to Jennifer Aniston as well. It's like she's got some kind of man repellent that rubs off and makes you less hot after leaving her bedside. How does that happen? Anyways, the latest in "Bizarre Celebrity Hookups" comes the news that Gerard Butler and Jessica Simpson had dinner together. Though it was a supervised meal (Ken Paves was in attendance) the two only had eyes for each other. Naturally! Details

[Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a date at Soho House Tuesday night, with friends including her hair stylist pal, Ken Paves, as chaperones. "They were at a table with friends, but Jessica and Gerard, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours," a spy told Page Six. "They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together, along with Ken." Publicists for both didn't return calls.]

Now everyone is wondering about those three-ways Gerard claims to enjoy - and where that leaves Ken. This could get interesting! Of course there's a conflicting Perez scoop

[Looks like someone is trying to squash this rumor and quick. Earlier today, reports were that Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler were getting extra friendly in New York. The two were said to have been flirting all night over dinner with friends and later left together, with Jess's favorite accessory, Ken Paves, tagging along.

But Gerard an anonymous source has now stated that "There is nothing romantic there at all" between Butler and Simpson.

With Jessica another source adding, "I'm never surprised to hear that Gerard is with someone new. None of those relationships last. Certainly he's not planning on settling down with Jessica Simpson ... Gerard plays the field ... and Jessica is lonely ... and she lost weight and is looking good."

Well, there doesn't need to be any romance sometimes if all you're looking for is a quick shag. Just saying.]

What happened to Gerard's romance with Jennifer Aniston? Stepping out with Jessica Simpson seems to be sending a message, regardless of what happened between the two...

[Photo Credit]

Gwyneth Paltrow Would Like You To Believe That She Frequents Taco Trucks

Thumbnail image for gwyneth-paltrow.jpgDo you really believe Gwyneth Paltrow would deign to consume food at a taco stand? Those trucks, jokingly often referred to as "roach coaches," often feature amazing snacks - but I hardly picture Gwyneth dining there! Yes, it's time for the GOOP newsletter - and, once again, it attracts more laughs than enlightenment. Does anyone else think Paltrow would be better off if she just kept her mouth shut? The longer that website carries on, the more obvious it is that she's a sheltered snob. Here's an annoyingly cloying excerpt

[I spent most of last spring and summer in Los Angeles doing lots of work and eating some incredible food...from the new phenomenon of the gourmet taco truck, to the tucked away neighborhood spots to the latest Suzanne Goin...the LA food is quietly and unpretentiously on fuego. Chow down.

La Estrella Taco Truck: A little off the map in Highland Park (it's east of East LA), La Estrella offers some of the best al pastor tacos. Worth a little drive after a trip to the Griffith Park or a Dodgers' game.

Kogi Truck: There's been a lot of hype about these Korean tacos trucks that wander all around LA and that people find through an almost obsessive devotion to Kogi's Twitter updates. Behind the buzz is outrageously good food. The tacos feature Korean-style barbequed meats or tofu on great corn tortillas, all topped with some sort-of cilantro, chili, sesame magic. The sliders and kimchi quesadillas are also killer.]

Why does the combination "kimchi quesadilla" make me want to reach through my computer and slap her? Perhaps breathing all that rarified air while up on her high horse has rotted her brain.

[Photo Credit: Smug as a bug in rug.]

Might As Well Draw Inspiration From The Source!


*This is a great montage of some classic scenes from American Psycho. Please note that it contains language not safe for work.

The Internet is abuzz today with the revelation that Christian Bale drew inspiration from Tom Cruise to play serial killer Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. The information comes directly from director Mary Harron - I assume she'd be "in the know" on this front! Fascinating. Here's an excerpt from Mary's interview in BlackBook Magazine

[How did you and Christian Bale develop his character in American Psycho?

It was definitely a process. We talked a lot, but he was in L.A. and I was in New York. We didn't actually meet in person a lot, just talked on the phone. We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy.]

I can say, for all the trouble Christian brought upon himself with his infamous rant, that he is a top-notch actor. I'm confident that he researches every nuance of the characters he chooses to play. Is anyone really surprised that he looked to Tom in order to flesh out the personality of Patrick? It makes perfect sense to me! This information comes hot on the heels of Mr. Cruise's crazy night out a recent Scientology bash. I'd be beatin' feet if I were Katie Holmes, that's all I can say!

Guy Ritchie Will Steal Attention From Madonna Christmas Day!


Guy Ritchie's latest flick opens Christmas Day - and the action-fueled romp will surely garner some positive attention for the director. Though it looks like a by-the-book blockbuster, the presence of Robert Downey Jr. will surely help spice things up. Guy deserves a break - or has relief already come with the breath of fresh air that is his freedom since his divorce?

I'm Saving Up Some Cash - Starting Now!

Thumbnail image for jon-gosselin-text-with-pic.gifWow - for a mere $12,000 I can get an hour of Jon Gosselin's time! I'm so excited - I'm sure it'll be worth every penny. Yes, Jon's amazing douche-baggery continues. No surprises here! Details

[Tampa's MJ Morning Show is saying that they wanted Jon to guest co-host the show for one morning.  Here is what they offered Jon for his time: two first class plane tickets, limo service and a first class hotel stay.

The deal was a no-go because Gosselin's rep requested an appearance fee of $12,000 along with the other perks. How can they justify that amount? They seem to think that Jon's name will bring instant press for the station, along with the fact that they seem to think Jon is funny, sharp witted and interesting. Seriously, that's what they are saying.....we don't make this stuff up.

How did the radio station respond to the request? The host of the morning show said he fell out of his chair. Sorry Tampa...it looks like your instant press fell through the cracks.]

I can't figure out what is funnier - the thought that Jon believes he can command $12,000 for an hour of his time or the fact that he considers himself "funny, sharp witted and interesting."

[Photo Credit]

These Two Make Cute Kids!

nicole-richie-with-sparrow-people-mag-cover.jpgSay what you will about Nicole Richie - she and boyfriend/rumored hubby Joel Madden make some cute kids. The reformed party girl definitely has the edge on former pal Paris Hilton. Perhaps the Queen of Trash should follow Richie's lead...

I Didn't Realize It Was Illegal To Be Nude In Your Own Home!


This story is insane. It seems like a shocking abuse of the law. You must watch the clip above - it would be funny if it wasn't so damn crazy.

Ride The Train!


Well, reportedly he was supposed to say "Chooch" instead of "Cooch" but I do enjoy the interesting reinterpretation! This is right up there with Seattle's famed "South Lake Union Trolley" - which, when broken down, spells S.L.U.T. Everybody's riding it!

Give 'Em Back!


You know you've really pissed someone off when they ask for their breast implants back! Yes, Carrie Prejean is still managing to snag some negative press - this time she's in the news because her boobies are getting sued. Pay 'em off or give 'em back! Read an insider's account of the real dirt on Carrie Prejean here

I Never Thought I'd Have A Post On This Site Featuring Bronson Pinchot

bronson-pinchot.jpgIt turns out not only was I wrong, but today is the day Bronson Pinchot makes it to PLP. I'm sure he's somewhere right now celebrating! Anyways, this is a very fascinating interview - an absolute must read. Bronson Pinchot has had an extremely long career in the industry. Though he's not a household name, he's got serious credits to backup the following information. In short, he dishes on some big time celebrities - and he's telling the truth. Thanks to Crazy Days & Nights for distilling the juicer parts of the article. Click here for the full thing. Read on: 

[Bronson Pinchot on Tom Cruise - Tom had picked up this knack of calling everyone by their character names, because that would probably make your performance better, and I don't agree with that. I think that acting is acting, and the rest of the time, you should be you, but he called us all by our character names. He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, "You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?" I mean, his lingo was larded with the most... There was no basis for it. It was like, "It's a nice day, I'm glad there are no gay people standing here." Very, very strange.



Bronson Pinchot on Eddie Murphy - I remember somebody calling and saying, "You'll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!" [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, "What are you doing?"



Bronson Pinchot on Tom Hanks - He's always been a delightful person, so it's not really true that big stars need to be driven and repulsive, because he's anything but.



Bronson Pinchot on Denzel Washington - That was a low point, because Denzel Washington was behind the incredibly cowardly bullshit of "This is my character, not me." He was really abusive to me and everybody on that movie, and his official explanation was that his character didn't like me, but it was a dreadful experience. Denzel Washington cured me forever of thinking that there is any amount of money or anything that could ever, ever make it okay to be abused. The script supervisor on that movie said it's like watching somebody kick a puppy. He was so vile. And after that, I just would never endure it again.



Bronson Pinchot on Bette Midler - (talking about First Wives Club and how she treated the director) Yes, because Bette Midler was such a bitch to him. While he was directing, she would be rolling her eyes, pantomiming with her favorite actors, and she made it very difficult. And he was at his wit's end.



Then to top things off, Bronson actually made me feel very sorry for Mischa Barton. Bronson was talking about how his character had to make Mischa cry. Mischa was playing a model and so she told Bronson to talk about her hips and ass and that would make her cry. She said, "If you talk about my ass, it'll make me cry." So I did, and I wasn't loving it--I don't love that stuff--but she felt that it was important for me, so we did like 20 takes where I made comments about her ass, and then she cried, and then we all went home. It wasn't my favorite day in filmmaking. I felt a little dirty, but that's what was asked of me. She was a very sweet kid, actually. Rather brave in a way, because I asked her what she wanted me to do, and she said, "Talk about my hips and my ass, that'll make me cry." And it's like, "Yikes. Well, at least I have it from the horse's mouth."]

Wow! This made my day - it's always interesting to get the real scoop. Thanks, Bronson!

Now We're Talkin'!


Watch the clip above to see Gerard Butler admit to having had threesomes! Okay, it's not really earth-shattering news to hear a movie star confess that he can pull multiple partners in one session - but it's entertaining nonetheless. No word on if rumored (former?) paramour Jennifer Aniston was in on the kink - but I kind of doubt it. Not to spoil all the fun, but I would like to point out that our Puritanical double standard is still operating at full-force. Do you think a female star of equivalent stature would admit to having enjoyed a threesome - and not be harshly judged for her actions? Megan Fox and porn stars not included. 

This Week's Convenient Theory, Brought To You By Mischa Barton

Thumbnail image for mischa-barton-skinny-bustier.jpgMischa Barton's "comeback" show, The Beautiful Life, was cancelled after only two episodes. And you know what? It, like, totally worked out because Mischa doesn't want to do television anyways! Ha. Well, isn't that special. Here's the spewing of b.s.: 

["I think I need to back away from the whole TV approach," she said. "That whole world of network television, probably isn't, for me, a good idea now. I need to start reading for more serious roles." But she's not sure exactly what the next project will be.

"It's too early to tell yet," she said. "I'm passing on all the [early] offers, because that's not the stuff you want to do. I want to go fight for interesting things and look for something that's going to be interesting for me ... as a role."

For now, her focus is on her body - she said she regularly works out with girlfriends - and on embracing life in Gotham. "Reading scripts and enjoying living in New York," she said, calling her break from work "lovely." "Now that I'm not doing the TV show, I've got lots of time to work out."]

Yes, thank goodness she has time to work out after a grueling day of reading scripts. It's too late to spin when you've already been spun!

[Photo Credit]

Oh, Well If His Mom Say It's A Good Idea

justin-timberlake-main-wikipedia.jpgI don't know about you, but the thought of parental input in my romantic relationships is quite a turnoff. I realize there's a special bond that exists between men and their mothers - but there comes a time when you've got to let go. Such is the case with Justin Timberlake and his meddling mother Lynn Harless. Longtime readers of PLP know that I am staunchly anti-Timberlake. For those of you just tuning in, let me catch you up to speed - I think he's a douchebag. Moving on. Justin fancies himself to be quite the playboy and, to be fair, he does pull in an alarming amount of quality action. He's said to have moved on from his latest longtime love, Jessica Biel, into the arms of pop princess Rihanna. Is that why Jessica seemed so upset when I saw her in NYC last week? It certainly would explain the downtrodden expression! Jessica might have something to smile about after all - it turns out the notoriously hard-to-please Lynn is in Biel's corner. Timberlake is known to be a momma's boy - will his mother's valued opinion turn his head? Details

[Lynn Harless tells E! News that she really likes Jessica and Justin together, saying Jessica is "awesome" as well as "someone that'll golf with him, give him a hard time when he deserves it and stand up to him." All redeeming qualities, for sure, but what about the fact that she is nagging troll, who considers herself "too beautiful" for Hollywood? You want your son hanging around that?! Time to cut the apron strings and let the boy make his own decisions. From what we hear, he's already moved on to another good girl gone bad!]

You know there's nothing sexier than a mother-approved girlfriend who golfs! What is he waiting for?

[Photo Credit: Come and get it, ladies!]

Who Would Actually Agree To This?

Thumbnail image for kate-moss-with-jamie-hince.jpgOh, damn - I guess hell froze over and I somehow missed it! Rumor has it - and this is pretty big on the "total bullshit" scale - that Kate Moss and her longtime beau Jamie Hince are going on vacation. That's not the bullshit part - all you have to do is open a bottle of champagne and Kate has time off. The implausible portion of this scenario are the rumblings that the volatile couple's company for the getaway happens to be Johnny Depp and his longtime partner/wife Vanessa Paradis. We're talking just the four of them on a private island owned by Depp. Now I realize, by virtually all accounts, that Kate Moss is said to be fairly self-destructive. But you'd have to be damn crazy to put yourself in the path of your ex-boyfriend and his soulmate. This isn't a Julia Roberts rom-com - someone could actually get hurt! My guess? There's not an ounce of truth to this story. Funny, the same can be said for Kate's body!

Katie Holmes Is In Estrus!

Thumbnail image for katie-holmes-main-wikipedia-looking-sad.jpgWhile the mind-controlling cat is away, the zombie mouse will play! Katie Holmes showed up in Los Angeles last night at the 16th Annual Women in Hollywood Tribute - and she was showing a lot more skin than we usually see from the normally dowdy actress. I think it's safe to say this outfit was not Cruise approved! It's like Katie is sending a messages through her breasts - something like, "I'm available for sexual relations outside the bonds of my ironclad contractual agreement." It's like that black bra is a billboard! Well played, Katie - let's see if your bold announcement hits it's mark. Click here for the racy transparent blouse photos. The pictures are safe for work. Enjoy!

[Photo Credit: Deep Thoughts with Katie Holmes.]

And Finally...

shauna-sand-main-playboy-wikipedia.jpgLet's wrap this up, shall we? My special edition of "Bizarre Celebrity Hookups" concludes with Shauna Sand and herself. There's allegedly so much plastic roaming around in her body that it could really count as two separate people. Shauna, in case you need some prompting, used to be married to Lorenzo Lamas and, at one point, was a Playboy Centerfold. Lorenzo and his family are joining the fray of reality television - their new show happened to debut just days after Shauna's "homemade" sex tape was accidentally unleashed on the world. How convenient! More

[You may have to wait until you make your own sex tape with Shauna Sand to see a Shauna Sand sex tape, because despite the professional lighting and camera work of the tapes she made, she's still claiming she never intended for them to be seen by the public.

Shauna's lawyer, Brooks Holcomb has fired off a letter to Vivid Entertainment, demanding that he "cease and desist" from hawking the video.
Holcomb claims the tape was "not created or intended for sale or public distribution."
And the lawyer is asking Vivid to ante up "written proof" that it has authority to release it. Shauna says she never gave permission.

Shauna's former step-daughter and Bachelor winner Shayne Lamas has implied this tape is only being released to take attention away from Shayne and her new show on E!]

Feel free to take a page from Paris Hilton's book - everybody else does! Hookup summary: Paris and her live lobster, Linday Lohan and Balthazar Getty, Russell Brand and Katy Perry, Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian, Shauna Sand and her agenda. Oh, what will tomorrow bring?

[Photo Credit]

Keepin' It Rollin'

khloe-kardashian-main-wikipedia.jpgYes, I've decided to adhere to the "Bizarre Celebrity Hookups" theme for the rest of the day! Are you excited? I know I am - although it appears the celebs are a lot more excited than all of us combined. Next up we've got faux newlyweds, Khloe Kardashian and her meal ticket hubby Lamar Odom. I believe in love, or at least lust, is possible at first sight - but marriage within a month of meeting one another is just silly. There I go, stating the obvious - well, obvious to everyone but the Kardashians! Looks like these two crazy kids are about to finally seal the deal, despite the fact that their wedding vows are already getting stale. Yes, romance has prevailed and the prenup is almost signed. Swoon. Details, my lovelies

[The pre-nuptial agreement was hammered out late last week, and the wedding license for the couple is expected to be officially filed early this week. As RadarOnline.com exclusively reported, Khloe was negotiating a few small things in the pre-nup from her LA Laker husband.  And by small we mean HUGE! In the case of an unfortunate divorce, Khloe wanted: a flat sum of about $500,000 for every year they were married, $25,000 a month in general support, their new house, a new luxury vehicle at the end of every lease cycle, $5,000 a month for shopping, $1,000 for beauty care, AND courtside Lakers tickets for everyone in her family.]

Girlfriend knows how to negotiate! I'm not sure if this is exactly what Lamar has agreed to sign off on, but I'm sure we'll find out the exact details any moment. This is really helpful - now I have a blueprint for what to ask for from my fiance before we get hitched. He's going to be so excited - one thing men love is paying through the nose for sex. 

[Photo Credit: I'd be smiling too!]

Of Course She Does!

nadya-suleman-before-&-after.jpgIn continuing with my self-proclaimed "Bizarre Celebrity Hookups" day comes the inevitable union on the horizon - Jon Gosselin and Nadya Suleman! Nadya has pronounced Jon "hot." Can you handle the details? Here's a brief tidbit, via Radar

[In an exclusive interview Nadya Suleman told RadarOnline.com that she thinks Jon Gosselin is quite the catch!  "I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin," Octo-Mom exclusively told RadarOnline.com. Going one step further, Nadya even said: "I think he's hot!"]

Put it out there Nadya - make it so! The world needs this unholy union - it would keep tabloids and bloggers in business for years to come... Meanwhile, click here for an excellent summary of the Gosselin circus via the esteemed Vanity Fair. It's amazing to think the little family that could has reached such epic levels of media notoriety!

[Photo Credit: A Kate Gosselin style transformation!]

I Christen This "Bizarre Celebrity Hookups" Day

Thumbnail image for katy-perry-butterfly-boobs.jpgHot on the heels of the alleged Lindsay Lohan/Balthazar Getty hookup comes the news that Katy Perry and Russell Brand are (inexplicably) still going strong. They were spotted getting hot-n-heavy at an industry party - because that's always a great time to make out! It shows the top brass what you're really made of, so to speak. Click here for the "nailing on the railing" photos, courtesy of the hilarious and well-informed Celebitchy. Do you want details? If so, I've found them! 

[It looks like Russell is trying to nail Katy on the terrace railing. That would take more concentration and upper-body strength than I have, so God bless. But I've got to wonder if there were partygoers milling about as Russell tried to nail her to the railing. Apparently, Paul McKenna and Randy Jackson were in attendance at the party. So it sounds like an industry party... I guess Russell and Katy provided the entertainment.

In other paparazzi shots from the weekend, Katy was seen shopping with her best friend (who looks a lot like Russell). Russell was seen solo, heading into Cedar Senai medical building in West Hollywood. Interesting... put all of these little incidents together, and we have a story line. Shopping for cute outfits, terrace booty, then STD check-up?]

I still can't wrap my head around this pairing - and I'm assuming I won't have to for very long!

[Photo Credit: It all comes back to the assets!]

One Of The Many Things I Love About Lindsay Lohan Is Her Great Taste In Men

balthazar-getty-sex-scene.jpgSo in bout 2,225 between Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson the current outcome equals breakup. That number is a rough estimate of course - and only dates back to January of this year. It seems that Sam is determined to hang on to her sanity, which means staying far away from Lindsay. Meanwhile Lohan is set in her role as "craziest girl with the largest amount of lost potential." It's too bad the Academy doesn't hand out Oscars for this sort of thing - Lindsay would have that award sewn up. Though Linds has her hands full fleeing from her father, she did find time for a dirty hookup. That's my girl! Details via People Magazine

[Lindsay Lohan arriving at West Hollywood nightspot Voyeur with Sienna Miller's ex, Brothers & Sisters star Balthazar Getty. Sneaking in through the club's backdoor, the pair were all over each other at a table in the front of the room, according to a clubgoer. The duo stayed for less than half an hour before leaving the nightclub, where Whitney Port, Ryan Phillippe and Matthew Perry were also having a good time.]

Hence summing up the most press Matthew Perry has received since Friends! I can't even describe to you the revulsion that just coursed through my body at the thought of a Lohan/Getty pairing. I'm trusting you had a similar reaction, so I won't press the point. All I can say is that Balthazar must really, really want to get divorced.

[Photo Credit: How could I pass up this pic? This is from a scene, but I thought you'd appreciate a visual. No need to thank me!]

Live Lobster & A Bottle Of Vodka - It Must Mean Paris Hilton Is Here!

Thumbnail image for paris-hilton-carls-jr-ad.jpgAs if we needed yet another sign that our society is in a rapid downhill decline - here's one more piece of proof. Paris Hilton has landed a cameo in an upcoming movie - but not just any film. This one happens to star Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson and Eva Mendes. How is Paris allowed within fifty feet of these illustrious stars - or Mark Wahlberg? It's not like they're casting for a Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch video! Adding to the bizarre nature of this news comes the rumor of Hilton's outrageous demands for her one day stop-in on the set. Details, via the fabulous Bitten & Bound

[The movie is being filmed in New York City and Paris spent a day on the set last week.  The cameo was to be a closely guarded secret but Hilton 'tweeted' the following message on Thursday, "Just got done with the fitting with the stylist for the new Will Ferrell movie I'm shooting in NY. Excited! Will is my favorite comedian." Unfortunately for the wannabe actress, someone from the film company got wind of her Twitter announcement and the post was hastily removed.

According to the New York Post, Hilton submitted a three-page list of her needs prior to spending one full day on the set. She wanted a live lobster prepared fresh for her upon request as well as a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. Her rep claims the report to be "totally ridiculous and untrue."]

I still have faith in the comedic talents of Will Ferrell - I trust him to suitably use and abuse Paris during her cameo. She is playing herself after all!

[Photo Credit: Live lobster burger - it goes down great with vodka! So does Paris, for that matter.]

Masterpiece Theater - Twitter Style!


Oh, too funny! I'm hoping this takes off - I'd love to see "serious" renditions of famous Tweeters evolve in the same vein that I adored the Mystery Science Theater style reenactments of Showgirls and the cult following the film developed. Enjoy! You may want to embrace all the celebrity Tweeting while you still can - rumor has it that major studios are clamping down on stars and the use of the microblogging tool. Image is everything in showbiz!

Does The Timing Seem Convenient?

kourtney-kardashian-main-wikipedia.jpgKourtney Kardashian's townhouse was burglarized last night - and the heist included a lot of jewelry. Doesn't Khloe know that Kourtney will catch her wearing the baubles? Oh, I kid! Here are the details

[Last night while Kourtney Kardashian and her boyfriend Scott Disick were out to dinner, her Calabasas townhome was being robbed. The thieves got away with thousands of dollars in jewels. The couple left around 7 p.m. for dinner and returned by 8:30 p.m. to find several drawers open and many valuables missing. Some items that were found missing were Kourtney's Cartier watch valued at $30,000, Scott's Rolex watch, diamond jewelery and diamond hoops and sadly, some vintage items that were left to her by her late father Robert Kardashian.]

Something about this seems a little fishy, though I can't put my finger on it. The timing is so tight. It seems to point to the thieves knowing exactly where those items were and how to find said items. I have a hard time believing that Kourtney's townhouse wouldn't be equipped with a sophisticated alarm system - and that she wouldn't keep vintage jewels in a safe. More drama for reality t.v. or some really smart burglars? It sucks for Kourtney either way!

Someone Has An Enormous Amount Of Nerve


Above is the infamous Dallas Cowboy/Tony Romo ad that pokes fun at Jessica Simpson for being "fat" - ironically presented by Burger King. Wow, I'd love a desk-job with whatever team Burger King uses for their advertising campaigns - apparently you can spend a shitload of money and not proof the corporation's investment. Sounds pretty damn easy! You can't tell me that someone, somewhere didn't know what in the hell was going on. Someone went for the easy laugh - and failed. It's interesting that a fast food company would make a joke out of being perceived as fat. And as for Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys - they've revealed themselves to be the real pigs (of the sexiest variety). Here is the "apology" from Fox, including the revelation that Burger King doesn't proof/approve their own damn ads: 

["Burger King Corp. [the sponsors] did not have any editorial input in the creation of the animation that ran last Sunday, and no one from Burger King Corp. approved it before it aired. Upon reflection, our poor attempt at humor was insensitive and we deeply apologize to anyone who might have been offended."]

Anyone who might be offended? Like Jessica Simpson, for instance? How about finding the nerve to actually mention her by name and apologize to her directly?

Sometimes Justice Is Swift!

jon_and_kate_announcement.jpgThough I was recently ranting about celebrity justice, or rather the lack of it, it turns out karma can sometimes sort itself out. Case in point? Jon Gosselin getting sued by TLC, the once formerly-friendly station that hosted Jon & Kate Plus 8. (As if there's a person left in the continental United States bereft of this information.) Rumor has it that Jon found out about the lawsuit the old-fashioned way - by Googling himself! Oh yes, the class act continues. A few douchy details, via The Hollywood Gossip

[Jon Gosselin hasn't played by the rules as an exclusive employee of TLC, the network alleges, accusing the Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad of appearing on other shows for pay and making unauthorized disclosures about the TLC show. As a result, the King of Pimps is being sued for breach of contract. The lawsuit, filed today in Maryland's Circuit Court of Montgomery County, says that in June, in recognition of "the Gosselins' difficult personal circumstances," TLC asked both to refrain from making public statements about each other.

A 'cooling off' period was negotiated and was supposed to have put a lid on Jon for at least 45 days. But he went on to appear regularly on ET, The Insider and other shows to discuss life, the show, Kate being an abusive monster, etc. The suit also accuses Jon of selling photographic rights to various celebrity gossip magazines and other media outlets, also in violation of Jon's TLC contract. Moreover, dude didn't show up for work September 24 as required, even given six days' notice. Hey, he's got things to see and mediocre girls to do, okay?]

Some people aren't cut out for the limelight and Jon certainly appears to be one of them. He fits in perfectly with our rabid consumption of "reality" television, but true stardom isn't beckoning. What gave it away? Perhaps his close friendship with ultimate bad-dad, Michael Lohan. Revel in my intelligent observations! No one puts two and two together like me. As Jake brilliantly surmised, "people get off on hating them so much that Jon and Kate Gosselin merchandise should be sold in sex shops." Couldn't have said it better myself, though I do shudder at the thought of the likeness of Jon's penis appearing anywhere in public... it's surely been places I do not want to visit!

[Photo Credit: When isn't there breaking news about this former couple?]

Random Tidbits

John-Mayer-Battle-Studies-Album-Cover.jpgNope, I'm not talking about John Mayer's package and what he allegedly chooses to do with it! I'm chalking the "is he or isn't he" gay rumors up to "coincidence" - I'm sure it's convenient that the timing of all this hoopla coincides with his birthday and release of his upcoming album. He must be taking lessons from fellow fame-whore/peer, Paris Hilton. Congrats, John - we are talking about you. The random tidbits I'm referring to are my celebrity sightings in NYC! Sometimes those illustrious famous folk go out of their way to grab attention (ahem, Mr. Mayer) and other times they're just living their lives. Such was the case in "the Playground," otherwise known as the Big Apple. I was lucky enough to have help spotting both Jessica Biel and Mickey Rourke during my visit. Don't worry - they weren't together! The brief run-in with Jessica occurred on the street in Soho (near Onieals, the bar that served as "Scout" - the location Steve Brady and Aiden Shaw opened together in Sex & The City). Biel was rushing down the street, sans makeup. She looked beautiful, albeit upset. Needless to say, Justin Timberlake was nowhere in sight - just sayin'! As for Mickey Rourke, he was found in the Meat Packing District readying himself to cross the street (near Stella McCartney's hot, hot store) with an unidentified companion. Though we couldn't ID the lady on his arm, one thing was for sure - she was willowy, blonde and beautiful! I saw the long lens of the paparazzi nearby, so perhaps this mystery woman will be revealed shortly. Stay tuned! Lastly... I just missed Lindsay Lohan, to my immense disappointment. She was in town to help launch a new fragrance for Victoria's Secret. I'm not really sure why she was invited to be at the event; unless the scent had something to do with cigarettes and bars - but who am I to question the powers that be? 

[Photo Credit: We'll give the photo honor to John, since it was recently his birthday. No need to thank me!]

Nothing Wrong Here - Just Some True Lovin'

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for kennedy-hewitt-show-still.jpgJennifer Love Hewitt might need to take a lesson from her more confident onscreen personas. Something is seriously awry if even Jamie Kennedy is rumored to be cheating on her! Jennifer seems to focus so intently on "perfect love" that she'll accept any illusion that comes her way. She rolls like a pimp, gifting her boyfriends (they're all serious, by the way) with diamond jewelry. Though she acts like a man, she lacks the confidence of one. Ah, Love - she's a mystery wrapped in an enigma! There are conflicting theories, even in the least pressing of issues. Here's a few - first up by my pal at Crazy Days & Nights

[Earlier this month, I wrote about how Jamie Kennedy is cheating on Jennifer Love Hewitt with his ex-girlfriend Shannon Funk. Well, Fox News spoke to one of Jamie's friends who said that Jamie is still talking to Shannon and that Jennifer Love Hewitt is clueless about the whole cheating thing.
Umm, Jennifer is a tabloid reader of epic proportions. There is no way on this earth that she wouldn't be aware of the rumors and stories and the world laughing at her. She knows. Even if she didn't read every piece of gossip about herself someone would have told her.

Fox says that Jamie and Jennifer went to party together on October 3rd. "Jamie is still hung up on Shannon and has been telling her that," says the source. "He also told her he had zero desire to go to the Tao event with [Love Hewitt], but Jen insisted they go together to put rumors to rest. Jamie decided he at least owed her that, so he appeased her and accompanied her to the event even though he's pretty much checked out of the relationship."]

Don't start crying in your Bloody Mary just yet because this might not be true! Read on, courtesy of The Hollywood Gossip

[According to a new report by Perez Hilton, though, the abysmal actor has also spent the last few weeks getting busy with his ex-girlfriend... Shannon Funk! This is hilarious for multiple reasons: 

(1) It's miraculous enough that Kennedy is dating Hewitt. In case you haven't noticed, there's a slight disparity in the attractiveness of this couple. 

(2) Funk is the former assistant of Britney Spears. In August 2007, she sold out to the tabloids, claiming a lesbian affair with the pop star and telling the world that Britney was a terrible mother.

Kennedy and Funk are either perfect for each other; or the latter is making up more rumors to get herself in the news.]

Oh, the boring plot thickens. Frankly I can't believe these two manage to stay on the radar at all. In a fit of insomnia I watched Jennifer's made-for-TV flick, Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber. She could barely act her way out of the paper bag that was meant to showcase her ability. It was quite a punishment for a sleepless night! And Jamie Kennedy? Well, his "success" just depresses me - if I'd know it was that easy to make it in Hollywood I would have tried that shit years ago.

[Photo Credit: The odds escape me.]

It Was Worth Every Penny - And I'm Gonna Do It Again!

Penelope-Cruz-main-wikipedia.jpgI just returned from New York which, needless to say, was totally fabulous. I'm in love with the city and I can't wait to return. One of the highlights of the trip was the Sex & The City hot spots tour - it was a great way to experience the Big Apple through the eyes of Carrie Bradshaw. The three hour trip comes complete with the requisite cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery and the opportunity to sip cosmos at Scout (Steve Brady and Aiden Shaw's "bar" - the same one you see on the series, though the location sports a different name in real life). I'm a serious Sex fan, so this was truly a dream come true for me. (Click here for details - I'd highly recommend you check this out if you're in the area. Book early - tours tend to sell out). I'm on fire for the sequel to the movie - I'd totally time travel to the May 2010 premiere, if such a thing were possible. What's hotter than a personalized tour? The news that Penelope Cruz might may a brief appearance in the highly anticipated flick! I could live a million years without seeing Miley Cyrus water down my precious girls - but Penelope is like adding a racehorse to the mix. Don't read on if you're concerned about spoilers. Here are a few details:

[The Sex and the City 2 cast may have just gotten even hotter! A set insider tells Life & Style, "While the regular cast filmed all day on Oct. 12 in the lobby bar of The Empire Hotel, everyone was surprised when Penélope Cruz made an appearance." 

Insiders have said that Sarah Jessica Parker's character catches Mr. Big flirting with another woman during Smith Jerrod's movie premier after party. The woman is rumored to be Penélope Cruz. A guest was heard saying, "I think it was Penélope Cruz. She is breathtaking!"]

I know there's some debate about the quality of the first movie versus the series - but I'm a hedonist by nature. If there's more, I'll take it! 

[Photo Credit: You can see how Big's head might have been turned...]

Celebrity Injustice

Thumbnail image for lindsay_lohan_skinny_bitch_t_shirt.jpgOh, come on! It's another day, another totally ridiculous story from the abnormal reality that is Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay, as you may recall, has had several brushes with the law. There's every reason for her to be in jail - and yet she's not. The latest? She still hasn't completed classes to fulfill a 2007 DUI conviction. Yeah, 'cuz she's soooo busy with her career. Details

[Not only do laws not apply to Lohan, but the consequences obviously don't either. This morning she was due in court to explain why she's violated the terms of her 2007 DUI probation by refusing to complete her alcohol education class. Keep in mind, Lindsay's choice was to take the class or go to jail. She's had two years.]

And here's the detailed breakdown of how her brief moments in court went down, courtesy of TMZ

[Lindsay Lohan showed up in court today with her lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, to explain to a judge why she missed her alcohol education classes.

12:59 PM ET -- Lindsay Lohan just arrived and was holding her lawyer's hand.


1:05 PM ET -- Lindsay's attorney is giving the DA updated info on Lindsay's alcohol program.
1:07 PM ET -- Her lawyer says Lindsay has completed 15 of 26 group alcohol classes and 13 of 26 individual alcohol classes and 16 of 28 self help sessions.


1:08 PM ET - Chapman Holley says Lindsay is moving to Texas and is asking for a leave of absence from the program.


1:09 PM ET -- Lindsay's lawyer wants the judge to extend her probation a year so she can complete the program.


1:10 PM ET -- The DA says if the court has to jump through hoops for Lindsay again, they want her to see jail time.


1:11 PM ET - The judge has agreed to extend Lindsay's probation.


1:13 PM ET - The judge said she is "rooting for [Lindsay] to successfully complete her terms of probation."


1:22 PM ET - The judge is allowing Lindsay to go to New York and another progress hearing has been set for December 15.]

The judge is "rooting" for Lindsay to complete the paltry remainder of her probation for a serious crime - and I'm "rooting" for the justice system to stop creaming in it's collective pants every time they cross paths with someone famous. 

[Photo Credit: Pre-lawbreaker] 

Paris Can't Corner The Market On Everything!

Katie-Price-Boobs-peacock-dress.jpgThere doesn't have to be just one vapid whore - there's always room for more! And when I say "more" I mean the woman with breasts so big that they have their own zip code.

Paris Hilton & The Simple Life

rich-prosecco-parishilton.jpgSpeaking of Paris... She wants to share her fabulous lifestyle with the lowly public - the budget version, that is! The mouthy Hilton is the spokesperson for a bubbly wine - though, unlike the classy Scarlett Johansson, Hilton's version comes in a can! What am I saying? This choice is actually quite appropriate for the trashy heiress. Details

[After poor sales figures for the sparkling Prosecco and negative reviews from food critics, her product line has pretty much tanked. The Italian Agriculture Ministry launched a legal fight to ban the makers from calling the product a "rich prosecco" on the basis that it was not being served in a bottle and there's strict rules preventing sparkling prosecco from being sold in anything but a bottle. The makers have defended their product saying, "We'll just change its name - and we're talking with Paris about extending our contract to market the new product."]

I'm already reeling from starting my day with the E! True Hollywood Story (THS) The Hilton Sisters. If I knew it was so easy to be like them I would have created a red carpet path to my vagina lined with cans of faux Prosecco years ago. Every night can be an opening night! Ah, hindsight... 

Someone Punched Leona Lewis

Thumbnail image for leona-lewis-wiki-main.jpgBritish singer and winner of something called The X-Factor, Leona Lewis, was apparently punched in the face at a book signing for her memoir Dreams today, says MTV.

The 24-year-old singer (and now writer, I guess) was signing books and autographs as well as posing for pictures with fans and then, all of a sudden, some 29-year-old dude punches her in the head.

An eyewitness at the store told the BBC, "[Lewis] was running out with her hand over her eye, and I just saw a man on the floor. Suddenly the security all jumped on him and they were trying to pull him out and he was just laughing. He thought it was funny."

This seriously happened. Of all the obnoxious, opinionated and outrageous (alliteration!) celebrities that could've been punched, this jackass chose Leona Lewis, the soft-spoken vegetarian who has been dating an electrician who she grew up with. Ugh. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton's posse of dogs and bitches roams the streets free at night.

Captain Lou Albano Passed Away Today

[Captain] Lou Albano passed away this morning. He was placed under hospice care earlier this week.

Albano was a "wild" wrestler and wrestling manager. He debuted as a wrestler in 1953, but later went onto manage other wrestlers instead, usually being crazier than the actual wrestlers in the ring. He also co-authored The Complete Idiot's Guide To Pro-Wrestling.

If you weren't really into wrestling in the 1980s, then you may know Albano as Cyndi Lauper's father in the music video for "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" or the totally awesome The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! where he played Mario from 1989 to...1989.

He was 76 and awesome.

Adam Lambert Is Going To Be A Glampire

adam-lambert-wiki-main.jpgAdam Lambert, the favored runner-up of American Idol last season, says he's going as a "Glampire" for Halloween, of according to Ok! Magazine. If you weren't aware, as none of us really were, a "Glampire" is a vampire that likes to glam it up, says Lambert.

This will be a nice change from Adam Lambert dressing up as Pete Wentz every other day of the year.

Bob Dylan Just Released A Christmas Album

Bob Dylan released a Christmas album yesterday as everyone is gearing up for Halloween. This actually seems like a traditional bizarre Dylan thing to do these days.

But, seriously, I'm a huge Dylan fan and even I consider this album to be terrifying. It sounds like a collection of songs that a drunk hobo would sing after breaking into your house and pissing on your Christmas tree.

Hopefully, next year, Tom Waits releases a Valentine's Day album.

Jon Is Taking The "High Road" By Obeying The Law

jon-and-kate-split-pic.jpgIt's exhausting to learn anything new about Jon and Kate Gosselin. However, it's always extraordinarily amusing.

Jon is required by law to pay back $180,000 of the $230,000 he withdrew from the joint back account with Kate.

According to The New York Post, Jon's lawyer, Mark Heller, said Jon "has chosen to take the high road" by not releasing any further information on the case.

FINALLY. One of them is taking the high road. Shit, if only that road lead to the gallows or guillotine!

Hmmm...you know, I've kind of just lost my sense of what's appropriate to say about those two. I feel like nothing is off-limits. People get off on hating them so much that Jon and Kate Gosselin merchandise should be sold in sex shops.

[Photo Credit] - The New York Daily News

January Jones Thinks Ashton Kutcher Sucks

january-jones-GQ.jpgThis is not a bustier version of Claire Daines, by the way. I know you saw that cover and were wondering, just like me, but it's totally not and this is not an article about Claire Daines getting breast implants.

Actually, it's January Jones from Mad Men.

And she thinks her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher sucks.

This is already one of the best stories of today, right?

E! Online: "[He] was not supportive of my acting," January reveals told GQ. "He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So--f--k you! He only has nice things to say now--if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

There's nothing else to say really. It was just a good excuse to have a beautiful woman talk shit on Ashton Kutcher.

That's what psychologists like to call a "win-win" situation. And, you know, that's what it's all about: winning and strengthening relationships. You could learn a lot from the Pantyline Press if you just got the fuck off Twitter for five seconds, Ashton. 

Some Court Thing About Anna Nicole Smith

anna-nicole-smith-wiki-main.jpgAnna Nicole Smith's final days were described in court today, says The Associated Press, but I think it's stupid that people are still talking about Anna Nicole Smith's death.

So.

Moving on...

A Connecticut University Hates David Letterman

  david-letterman-wiki-main.jpgDavid Letterman is at the center of a blackmail and extortion plot for having an affair with one of his interns. And now Quinnipiac University is pissed at Letterman, according to People.

"Due to recent circumstances we will have a discussion with those in charge of placing our interns at the David Letterman show in the future," says a represntative from the Connecticut-based college. "We will diligently oversee this internship program to ensure that our interns are out of harm's way."

Right, yes. This poor, poor victim. This intern, Stephanie Birkitt, got involved with a married celebrity, was also living with a would-be blackmailer and told Entertainment Weekly, "He's the best boss I've ever had."

Sure, let's keep her out of Letterman's harmful ways. It's not as if the whole affair was consensual. Bleh. This whole thing is ridiculous.

And ot only is everything that Quinnipiac University is saying totally stupid, but it's misguided, as Letterman is totally gay:

Hopefully, "This Is [Not] It"

Thumbnail image for michael-jackson-wikipedia.jpgThe first Michael Jackson posthumous single was released today. And there's a number of things wrong with this supposedly new track called "This Is It," according to Reuters.

Let's see...it was originally written back in 1983 as "I Never Heard" and co-written by Paul Anka, and it was intended for an album by Anka, who after having a falling out with Jackson, gave it away to an obscure Puetro Rican singer named Sa-Fire, who recorded it herself in 1991.

And, to top it all off, the song isn't even that good. The head pop critic of The New York Times said that the song "won't be on anyone's list of best Michael Jackson songs, even if it's a long list" and hoped there was something better in the Michael Jackson vaults of album outtakes. 

That's what's always stunning with celebrity deaths in America. We spend the three months after they pass away mourning them and wishing that they were still around to give us what we love just once last time or something. And then some rarity shows up and we all go, "I don't know, man. That shit was kinda dumb. What else we got?"

Also, I figured we should use an subpar photo of Michael Jackson from the early '80s to go along with his new subpar song from the early '80s. Bah-zing! Rude. So very rude.

Busting Out A Good Wedding

Thumbnail image for christina-hendricks-wedding.jpg Mad Men star Christina Hendricks got married yesterday.

Her breasts were her bridesmaids.

[Photo Credit] - WWTDD.com

Boyzone's Stephen Gately Has Passed Away

stephen-gately-wiki-main.jpgStephen Gately of the Irish boy band Boyzone was found dead on the Spanish island of Majorca yesterday. He was 33. No specifics to his death have been released.

Entertainment Weekly: Boyzone was a U.K. success in the 1990s and was one of the biggest acts to come out of Ireland in that decade, although they never had much success in the United States. After disbanding in 2000, Gately had put out several solo singles and appeared in musical productions, including Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The group reunited last year for a comeback concert tour.

Jude Law's The Father And He's Probably Not Stoked On It

  Thumbnail image for samantha-burke-with-jude-law-inset.jpgWell, it's finally been proven. Jude Law is the father of 24-year-old model Samantha Burke's child, according to The Daily News. Burke wanted Law to pay child support or something along those lines and Law demanded a paternity test before anything. And now there's proof that he's the father. Also, Law apparently told his children that it won't affect their lives and expressed regret of the fling to his ex-wife.

So, of course, Burke's agent Eileen Koch said, "Check back in six months. Maybe she and Jude will be getting married."

Yeah, Eileen, totally. Yes, that's how it works, I'm sure. Please, Eileen, write all of this important legal information in your pink three-ring binder with stickers all over it. Maybe make note of Law not wanting much of anything to do with Burke right next to your last game of MASH.

Rosanne Cash Reveals Some Of "The List"

rosanne-cash-wiki-main.jpgOk, this is just a bitchin' story.

Rosanne Cash just came out with an album called The List and it means a whole lot more than just an album of music, according to The Associated Press.

In 1973, The Associated Press says that Rosanne Cash "was 18, just graduated from high school, a daughter of divorce eager to spend time with her dad and learn the family business. She tagged along on a concert tour and talked music during the long bus rides. When Johnny Cash grew alarmed at the songs Rosanne didn't know, he sat down with a pad and pen. What he produced was a syllabus worthy of a master professor: Johnny Cash's list of the '100 Essential Country Songs.'"

So, obviously, when music-lovers heard the rumors of this list, it might as well have been some goddamn fabled city of gold or two unicorns fornicating on the entrance steps of Atlantis. I mean, shit, to music elitests, this is like finding Jimmy Hoffa's body in the Garden of Eden which just happens to be what is now Disneyland.

Rosanne Cash was asked, interrogated and harassed after every show of her tours to release the contents of the list. Even her husband told for the last 17 years that she should rerecord some of the songs, which she finally did with this album. However, there's still 80+ songs more to be revealed. She's already been offered an ass-load of money to reveal the rest.

But she won't.

"I like having it as my own," says Rosanne Cash. "It's like a martial arts secret."

Mickey Rourke Means What He Says

Thumbnail image for Mickey-Rourke.jpgMickey Rourke, famous for playing Mickey Rourke mostly, pissed off a lot of people some time ago (especially GLAD) when he called a journalist by a homophobic slur for writing that Rourke was dating Evan Rachel Wood.

According to The Sun, Rourke said, "She's a good friend, that's it. And tell that f***ot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs."

So, naturally, when everyone thought, "Wow. That was kind of harsh. Maybe just give a little bit of an apology, eh, Mickey?", Rourke thought, "Yeah...fucking...right."

Rourke responded with:

- "I don't really give a fuck. Life's too short."

- "I have more gay friends than any 50 straight people I know, so I don't really give a shit."

- "I meant what I said."

Anyway, below is a video from 1994, which just kind of hints at why we shouldn't ever be surprised by what Mickey Rourke says.

Guy Ritchie Is Pretty Funny

guy-ritchie-madonna.jpg"I still love her. But she's retarded, too."

- Guy Ritchie, talking about ex-wife Madonna, according to People.

 

[Photo Credit] - The Los Angeles Times (Article Title: Guy Ritchie calls Madonna what??? Who does he think he is, Jon Gosselin?)

Sex, Lies & Oprah

oprah-wiki-main.jpgDamn, this is a good one.

Corrine Gehris, a former flight attendant on Oprah's private jet, has filed a lawsuit over false allegations that she had sex with the plane's married pilot while Oprah was sleeping, according to The Chicago Sun-Times.

Oh, but it gets trickier, as Gehris claims it was a conspiracy devised by the other two flight attendants who didn't like her. But, apparently, one of the other flight attendants who told Oprah about the sex was Kirby Bumpus, who is...Oprah's goddaughter!

And Gehris is also saying that Oprah knew the accusations were false but fired her anyway! And now she's suing for $300,000!

 Hell yeah. Only Oprah could bring soap operas not only to real life but to the sky.

 

Jon Stole Money, Kate Wants Money

  jon-and-kate-split-pic.jpgOk, I hate Jon and Kate. The eight are pretty solid. But these two seem to be the worst parents on television sometimes. Or maybe they seem good then, but they certainly appear to be total self-centered jackasses in the magazines I read at the drug store while in line waiting to purchase my sleeping pills and lube.

Jon has been the worst offender of the two lately, as he took $230,000 out of their joint back account. This is also around the same time that Jon was looking at asinine luxury apartments at Trump Place in Manhattan. The man sucks. But he was just probably pissed that they're changing the show to Jon And Kate Plus Eight.

So Kate will have her own version of the show with Jon as a minor character. She's going to be Marcia Brady while Jon is...I don't know, Cousin Oliver or something. But Kate, in the wake of getting her own show and such, is asking Jon for spousal and child support, according to MSNBC.

I'm torn. I mean, she's pretty much getting her own show, but Jon did take all that money. Oh, I wish this wasn't such a messy divorce and could be cleaner one, like the divorce of Christine Brinkley vs. Peter Cook, or Paul McCartney vs, Heather Mills, or Kramer vs. Kramer.

If these two keep this bullshit up, pretty soon the show's going to be called State Plus Eight and nobody's going to be happy about it.

[Photo Credit] - The New York Daily News (I think the picture suits both of their personalities)

Oh, This Explains Everything

Remember how the big news yesterday was that Miley Cyrus quit Twitter? Well, here's something for you then if your mind was still blown.

Please tell me that she's addicted to YouTube now. PLEASE.

Ben Affleck & Matt Damon Are Related

affleck-damon-oscar.jpgMatt Damon and Ben Affleck are related apparently.

The Boston Herald: "The New England Historic Genealogical Society yesterday revealed that the Cambridge homeys are actually 10th cousins once removed. They share a common 10th great-grandfather, William Knowlton of Ipswich, a bricklayer who died in 1655."

 But it doesn't stop there with a simple blurb. No, it continues to sound like a major breakthrough happened.

"We suspected they might be related since both of them had ancestry going back to colonial New England," said geneologist Chris Child, who did the research with colleague Rhonda McClure.

They also discovered that Affleck is related to sixteen presidents, including being 11th cousin to Barack Obama, while Damon is related to five or six presidents.

Neither Affleck or Damon have commented on any of this, but McClure seems sure that they would find it amusing.

"It might be kind of one of those neat things to say at cocktail parties," remarked McClure.

Yes. That would be the interesting thing to say. I can only imagine that conversation.

"Did any of you know that both of us here happen to be related to a few presidents?"

Shrugs and murmurs from the social circle.

"Oh, and if you all didn't notice already, we also actually happen to be megastars Ben Affleck and Matt Damon."

"HOLY FUCK!" says the crowd.

[Photo Credit] - The Associated Press / The Boston Herald

Miley Cyrus Becomes A "Qwitter" And Her Father Suffers A Mental Breakdown About It

billy-ray-and-miley-cyrus-kids-inagural-event-wikipedia.jpgIn Google News, there are over 600 articles just about how Miley Cyrus stopped using Twitter a few days ago, which is...stupid & insane & ridiculous & baffling.

But quite not as [all those adjectives] as her father's crusade to plead his daughter to save the world or something.

Her very mature father, Billy Ray Cyrus, tweeted her saying, "we r countin on u," according to The Associated Press. Father Cyrus is apparently not stoked on Daughter Cyrus giving up Twitter because her co-star and rumored boyfriend suggested that it might be best.

Well, then the older one of the two (who I think is Billy Ray, but you never know, since he also talks like he hasn't left the eighth grade) said a number of other things, says The New York Daily News. Things such as...

- "I understand 'it is true that one bad apple spoils the bunch,' but listen to the words of your songs 'Stand...for what ya believe in'...Remember?"

- "Words can hurt worse than bullets. True. All the more reason to take this tool and tweet 'I'm comin to Chicago and askin kids to stop killin kids."

- "Miley. You are a light in a world of darkness. You were born 'Destiny Hope Cyrus' for a reason. You can't leave everyone now."

This whole thing is kind of uncomfortable. It's like listening to a man believe his child is a religious figure. Or, better/worse, he's making it sound like Miley Cyrus is a renowned human rights activist or something. Bleh. I wish he'd follow through and send Nelson Mandela a message that said, "Please, Mr. Mandela, get on Facebook. I mean, if u and me r going 2 change the world, then u need a Facebook! Also, will u b my Farmville neighbor? I need just 1 more for a blue ribbon."

A Natural Blue-Head?


Doh! I can't even take credit - the title is the handy work of the sassy news reporter in the clip above. Seems pretty racy for the normally conservative news organization! Moving on... How to save a flailing industry? With humor, of course! Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner has agreed to let Marge Simpson take the centerfold spot in an upcoming issue. Though the spread is in honor of the 20th anniversary of The Simpsons (an amazing feat), it does reek of a tidy publicity stunt. Whatever we think of the decision, it does seem to be working - this is the first time I've written about Playboy without mentioning Kendra, Holly and Bridget. Well, almost... 

The Local News And Rocket Science


David Letterman apologized to his wife on the air - and she has not been placated by the missive. That's speculation from a local news team, which you can view above. Regina Lasko (Letterman's wife) isn't happy with the apology? I'd say she's not happy at all - regardless of what she allegedly forced Dave to do on the air. Kinda sounds like a deal breaker...

Nick Lachey Must Have Been Very Lonely


Let's all pause and enjoy this brief moment of attention for Nick Lachey. He got a tiny moment in the sun - and he used most of that time to ensure unrestricted access to Vanessa Minnillo's vagina. He and two reporters discussed Vanessa's beauty - and then moved on to compliment her brains. She's very, very smart. Didn't you know that? Well, now it's been talked about on the news, so that makes it true. What else is true? The fact that Nick must not have gotten any satisfactory play during his and Vanessa's brief break! She's got him on his knees and he's doing the time to come crawling back...

Hang Her Out To Dry - It's A Great Strategy!


I don't know whose idea it was to pan over to Eliza Dushku's boyfriend, Rick Fox, while he attempted to hide behind the scenes - but it doesn't seem like a great way to encourage the actress to grace the show again. However, it is funny as hell - so check it out!

See Ya At The Toothpick Races!

mary-kate-and-ashley-olsen-in-white.jpgMy favorite "news" item of the day is the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's "race to the altar!"  Because lord knows one will lose her shit if the other gets married first. Geez. These two are not only sisters, siblings, identical twins and best friends - they're also extremely media savvy. I don't believe it for one second. If anything, it's the other way around! Mary-Kate will encourage Ashley to get hitched before her (in a gesture of good will, of course) - and then attempt to outdo her with the hipster wedding of the century. Whoever takes the plunge first only leaves herself open to be surpassed by the other. That's the real scoop!

[Photo Credit: Will they both wear white?] 

Does The "Protection Of All Assets" Include The Family Jewels?


Lamar Odom must be in on the joke. The famed basketballer, who recently participated in a faux wedding with Khloe Kardashian, is intent on protecting his assets - down to the dime. If he's so concerned, I'm left to wonder if his finances might not be the only thing he wishes to protect! Sounds like he's raking in enough dough to also purchase a lifetime of condoms - or at least a month's worth (i.e. the length of the marriage). Lamar is playing hardball - literally. He's not intending on giving Khloe anything - which, frankly, is one of the smartest things I've heard in awhile. Speaking of Khloe, I accidently typed "Khole" and almost left it - it makes sense. 

Katie Holmes Is Committed To Her Craft

katie-holmes-elle-mag-cvr.jpgI've heard of actresses researching roles, but Katie Holmes is taking it to the hilt. I don't know when the movie about a selfless robot mom trapped in a sexless marriage, hemmed by legalities will finally be released - but if Katie doesn't nab an Oscar, there will be no justice. Holmes graces the cover of Elle's upcoming "Hollywood" issue - and inside lurk some choice quotes: 

[On family life: "In my own life, my whole world really revolves around family. I do what I need to do, but it's like, 'How is everybody else doing?' And it's wonderful for me as an actress to put some of that into a character."

On the genre of film she loves most: "It can be any genre. I even like vampire movies - they just have to be well done. I want to believe in the characters. The minute it starts to feel not real, I'm not interested."]

I'm not sure how giving up her life for everyone around her gives her something to bring to the table acting-wise - other than a blank slate. I guess that can be useful. Regarding the vampires, you may remember Tom Cruise's turn as Lestat in Interview With A Vampire. That's the one where he had to wear heels in order to compete with the virile sexuality of Brad Pitt. The more things change, the more they stay the same! On the upside, that is one cute hairdo Katie is rockin'. That would be one I'd be dying to try and end up hating on me - but she looks adorable. I assume we'll be seeing the same cut on Suri any day now...

[Elle Magazine Cover]

Katy Perry And The Baloney Pony

Thumbnail image for russell-brand-bikini.jpgWhat do you get when a serial womanizer and a pop tartlet with a killer figure finally collide? True love, of course! Yes, rumor has it that Russell Brand and Katy Perry are dating. Unlike Brand's conquests in the past, it appears that Katy has not only won the attention of his well-used member - she's also nabbed his heart. What a prize that must be! Russell at least has the good sense to be smitten. Here are a few details. No, not those details - this isn't Playboy! Just a few precious thoughts about love

[In a new interview with The Sun, he confessed, "I think I'm in love." What's not to love about a woman who responds to a sweet poem with a photo of her boobs? A friend of his said that they're going to go public with their relationship very soon. I thought it was already out there, considering she was spotted recently doing the walk of shame from his house. Russell doesn't jinx anything just yet. His pal added, "He doesn't want to talk about it yet as he doesn't want to blow his chances."]

Well, well. I didn't see this one coming. That's what she said! Ah, it's never gets old - even after I've finally closed my eyes from a marathon with season five of The Office. Katy has her work cut out for her, if she's chooses to make this one last. Why? I present you with "the facts"

["I'm fed up with having fling after fling - I'm looking for The One," he said. "I haven't found love yet because I've been looking in the wrong places all these years. Now I'm desperately seeking her. I'm a bit worried, as it will be difficult for them. They will have to tolerate my insanity and madness. I want someone who will take care of me. They will have to be a nice down-to-earth girl who will look after me. It will be a tough job for her but I'm looking hard now."]

All kinds of wrong with that statement - and this union! However, why not have fun while it lasts?

[Photo Credit: Is it just me, or is there a lack of packaging in the bikini area? Oh wait, it's Katy's body and Russell's head. A two for one photo op!]

Frances Bean Cobain Opens Up A Can Of Whup-Ass On Ali Lohan

Thumbnail image for courtney-love-frances-bean.jpgIt's about damn time someone did... Frances Bean Cobain is picking up a habit from her celebrity-lovin' mom, Courtney Love - blogging! Unlike Courtney, however, Bean's rant is fueled by passion and thought versus pills and liquor. How refreshing. It's interesting to read Cobain's take on Ali Lohan's world. Crazy Days & Nights is fighting the good fight regarding Ali's abysmal education - but it's interesting to read about the situation peer to peer. Really, what more is there to say? Frances has done a damn fine job. Of course it wouldn't be an online Love related rant without a few misspellings, but I think you'll easily get the drift. Here it is

[This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.

Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i'm sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don't have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don't care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i'm wrong because generally i'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.]

[Photo Credit: Hello, kitty!]

It's Clear Who Shiloh Wants To Emulate

shiloh-in-a-tie-with-angelina-&-zahara.jpgChildren tend to bond with their primary caregiver. It's not rocket science - it's the way we're all hard-wired. If someone called you "a blob" and then constantly carted you around on her bony hip in an attempt to stave off negative press would you really want to act like that person? No! You would want to forge a bond with the hot dad who likes to party and loves you unconditionally. Shiloh is no dummy - she's putting all her eggs in one basket and that basket is named "Brad." Meanwhile, Zahara has also made her choice of allegiance quite clear. Flip flops and sundress? Check and check. The line has been drawn in the proverbial sandbox. It's on bitches!

[Photo Credit: The hat was really the dead giveaway. Brad hasn't been seen without a lid since Angie started haranguing him 24 hours a day about the state of the world.]

Michael Lohan Is Giving Me Chills - And Not In A Good Way

Thumbnail image for michael-lohan-as-joseph-nativity.jpgMichael Lohan is back with his special talent of running off at the mouth about the daughter he supposedly loves and wants to protect. Do you want details? We'd be letting Michael down if we didn't discuss this - and lord knows that's the last thing we want! Here's some tidbits, via Crazy Days & Nights

[Michael told Radar, "I'm going to get her off the prescription drugs that she's on. I hate it when people talk about illegal drug abuse... because it's not just drinking and illegal drugs that kill you. Prescription drugs can destroy and kill a person and are sometimes harder to stop. Look at Heath Ledger and Michael Jackson."

He is basically daring the cops to investigate his daughter and her drug use. At this point the police need to have a look, because if Lindsay dies and the cops could have done something they will look like idiots. Of course Lindsay's parents already look like idiots because they should get her into rehab.]

Wait, there's more! You may want to avoid reading this next part if you have a weak stomach. 

["You know why Lindsay's not acting in feature films right now? Because she can't," he said. "Because the girl with all the talent is hidden and buried deep inside this fungus that's grown because of the prescription drugs. She can't be herself. When you hug her she's like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way-in a bad way."]

The thought of fungus combined with the raging debate between good or bad chills from a father/daughter hug has me feeling a tad queasy. It's no wonder Lindsay is an alleged pill popper if this is Michael's attempt at well-meaning parental concern.

[Photo Credit: Oh, holy night!]

Nothing Says "Class" Like Taking Money From Your Family

jon-gosselin-text-with-pic.gifAllegedly, of course. Those hair plugs aren't doing Jon Gosselin any favors - in fact they seemed to have cut off his ability to think clearly. The latest bright idea from one of the world's lamest dads? Emptying his estranged wife's bank account - you know, the bank account that helps fund the home that his children live in. What was TLC thinking when they decided to take Jon's name of the show? He's a great father! Details

[Jon Gosselin secretly withdrew more than $200,000 from a joint bank account he shares with estranged wife Kate Gosselin, leaving her with only $1000 in the account with which she routinely pays the family bills. The children's bank account was untouched. An existing court order prohibits Jon or Kate from withdrawing money from the account without the consent of both parties. This latest nasty turn of events in the Gosselin divorce saga comes on the heels of an interview with Larry King, in which Jon apologized to Kate for recent behavior, and said he wanted to put the breaks on the divorce. Jon was dropped from the TLC reality series, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and retaliated by halting production. Jon claims the change of heart was due to an "epiphany" that the show was not in his children's best interest.]

Geez, what's everyone getting so uptight about? I'm sure he just needed that money to woo one of the many young ladies he's been having sex with lately. Kate's such a bitch - why can't she let Jon have his fun? I can't believe she's not jumping at the chance to take this stud back...

[Photo Credit: Wow! Is it hot in here? I'm feeling flushed with desire from that hint of pectoral muscle lurking beneath the ubiquitous designer shirt...]

All Kinds Of Cheatin' Goin' On

beyonce-big-hair-ear.jpgIsn't that the title of a country song? Hot on the heels of the David Letterman scandal comes the allegation revelation that Matthew Knowles (commonly referred to as "Beyonce's dad") may have fathered a love child. The whiff of summer is already becoming a faint memory - but the lasting evidence of what certain men chose to do with their penises will stay with us forever. Who says you can't stop time? The ensuing drama seems a fitting punishment for one half of the unholy union responsible for the spawn of "Single Ladies - Put A Ring On It." 

[Photo Credit: I'm sorry, did you say "half-sibling?"]

At Least She's Familiar With The Shape

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"I used to have to dress up as a banana...I had the option of apple or banana. I always went with banana because it was thinner." 

Yep, that's our beloved Megan Fox referring to the time she had to dress up as the famed oblong fruit during her tenure at a smoothie shop. My take? At least she was familiar with the shape, so it must have made sense to her. My boyfriend's take? She knows how to hide it. Also it's some of the best acting she's ever done. Oh, yeah! It's Comedy Central for two at our house. In related news, one of the last remaining drive-ins is closing this weekend in Tucson, Arizona. I'm lucky enough to be in town, so I'm going to soak in the ambience one last time tonight. I can't tell you how much this breaks my heart - even bad movies were made enjoyable, simply by the act of being able to sit outside. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was abominable, but Fox did make it entertaining. Give credit where credit is due - Megan may be dumb as a brick, but her ass looked glorious on the big screen. Truly the end of an era. If only it were the end of the reign of Megan! My BF has promised to drag the flat screen out to the parking lot on weekends - but something tells me it won't be quite the same.

Speaking of the end of an era, many of you know I lost my beloved sister-in-law last month to a long battle with cancer. She was an amazing woman and I miss her beyond words. It feels weird to be back. How can life go on after such a loss? Thanks to all of you for continuing to tune into Panty Line Press - the support has been amazing. A huge round of applause for Jake Kilroy. He stepped in and kept this site running while I quietly lost my mind. Not only is he a great writer, he's a great friend as well. I couldn't have made it through this time without him. Now I've got to dig deep and find some humor again - there's someone looking after me who would want it that way. 

[Photo Credit]

Kate Beckinsale Is A Copycat


The video above features Kate Beckinsale as Esquire's current "Sexiest Woman Alive." It shows Kate happily romping around in her underwear, as if unaware that a cameraman is lurking nearby. It's so weird, because I was just lounging around my house this morning in a bikini. I happened to be rolling around on my brand-new kitchen island in a fur coat, really enjoying myself. It's just one of the new ways I like to start my day. Then I get online and find this video. Bitch, please. It's like Kate is my Olsen twin, trying to outfox me by beating me to the punch with her steamy online clips. Does this make me the frumpy one with an alleged fondness for drugs? Beckinsale is in for a surprise - I'm not going down without a fight. That's what he said. I find the credits for this brief stripper montage quite hilarious. There were clothes? Seems like you could have thanked the fabric store for sending over some scarfs and called it a day.

Who Knew Dave Had It In Him?


Or is that a question better saved for the ladies? Nothing like a penis joke at a time like this - as if the situation wasn't inappropriate enough! David Letterman, the king of late night television, has beaten an attempted extortion plot by coming clean on his own show. Letterman admitted to having sex with women who work on his program, thusly voiding the threat of having the information leak another way. That must have been a fun conversation he had with his wife, prior to rockin' the talk show ratings. At least some good has come out of the scandal. Click here for more details on this shocking story. 

I Didn't Think It Was Possible To Trump Kate - But It Is!


"Is anybody out there? Does anybody care?" Not merely lyrics from Def Leppard's classic song, Foolin' - thanks to Jon Gosselin, they've practically became an anthem. I thought Kate was a prize bitch when Jon & Kate Plus 8 first came to my attention. I had no idea that a massive douchebag was looming in the background. Spencer who? Jon wants to make sure you're out there and that you care - about him. What's best for the kids this week? It apparently depends on how much attention the wayward father happens to be receiving. Check it out

[Gosselin, accompanied by his attorney, Mark Jay Heller, told King, "It's not healthy for my kids to be on the show... it's detrimental to them. It's my right as a parent and as a father of my kids to determine whether the show is good for my family. I don't think it's healthy for them because we're going through a divorce right now. I don't think it should be televised and I think my kids should be taken off the show." According to Heller, Jon is also concerned that the children are not being compensated. This is a far cry from what Jon was saying just a few months ago.]

I can't believe I'm siding with Kate. Did it just get a bit chillier? I'm pretty sure hell just froze over. Here's what she has to say:

 ["I'm saddened and confused by Jon's public media statements. Jon has never expressed any concerns to me about our children being involved in the show and, in fact, is on the record as saying he believes the show benefits our children and was taping on Friday with the kids. I check in regularly with each of the kids to be sure they want to participate in and continue with the show and will continue to do so," Kate, 34, continues. "I do the show for my family because I believe it provides us opportunities we wouldn't otherwise have. Jon used to share that belief until as recently as the day the network announced the name change of the show and indicated that Jon would have a lesser role in the show. It appears that Jon's priority is Jon and his interests. My priority remains our children and their well-being."]

Oh, Jon! You're veil of concern is a hell of a lot thinner than you. 







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