November 2009 Archives

"Katie talked through all of 'New Moon.' It was unbelievable - they talked nonstop about the movie and everything else. Some people wanted to tell them to be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent. No one wanted to shush Katie." (Source)

So why didn't anyone want to shush Katie Holmes again? If some asshole blabbed through my favorite movie, I don't care if she's Queen Shit of Turd Mountain, we're going to have a serious problem.]

I wish I had been in that movie theater! Oh, perchance to dream. Needless to say, I wouldn't have a problem shushing Holmes. Perhaps Miley and Katie should do lunch - sounds like they have a lot in common! And by "a lot in common" I mean acting like bitches. 

If you're amongst the many that believe John Mayer should quit his womanizing ways, you are not alone. Unfortunately that large faction of people does not include John Mayer. What women see in a known chick-hunter is beyond me. Is he really so good that you just have to try a sample? Or are you one of the fools that thinks you can change a man? I think we know the answer in both Jessica Simpson's and Jennifer Aniston's cases! Details, via Hollyscoop:

[Leave it John Mayer to tell us exactly how he's feeling. He recently did an interview with the New York Times and came up with the conclusion that his problems stem from the fact that he's not having enough sex.

He says, "I should be having sex with more girls." John never seems to be single for too long--this might be the longest we've seen him without a lady friend. But John thinks the dating scene has gotten him into trouble.

He says, "It's crazy to me that in my head, that being 32 and dating women is going to get me in trouble. I can't even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It's a nightmare."

It seems John is pretty worried about how the public perceives him right now. At a recent show in Brooklyn he told the crowd, "They say I'm a womanizer," he complained. "I say I haven't met enough women."]

And a little more, via the New York Times. That's what he said:

[Being an ambivalent, self-aware heartthrob has its downsides, it turns out, and Mr. Mayer, who in his day job is one of the most popular soft-rock singers of the last decade, isn't shy about sharing them. In the three years since his last album, the double-platinum "Continuum" (Columbia), was released, he's become a demiceleb of the tabloid world, as well known for his arm candy -- Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston -- and his tests of will with the media as for his music. But now it's music time again, right?

If Mr. Mayer has successfully put his cynicism about women and romance into one album, then "Battle Studies" (Columbia), released on Tuesday, is it -- "one record about one thing," Mr. Mayer said. It's claustrophobic and, for him, somewhat dark. Most of the songs are skeptical about love, and about lovers, and about anyone looking and passing judgment from the outside in.

Yet for someone as articulate and transfixing about relationships and their discontents as Mr. Mayer is in person, in his music he takes a simpler route. Though in the last three years many things about his life have changed, not much about his records has.] 

Punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand and persecution? Hey, John - can I borrow a tampon? It sounds like you know what it's like to be a woman! Welcome to the world of wildly different double standards for men, women and sex. Too bad Mayer has chosen a career as a "musician" - sounds like we've got a real drama queen on our hands. Oh, and by the way, if you're feeling so guilty about something you've done, perhaps it's a sign that you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Just a thought. 

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We've all done it - and the last couple we'd expect to refrain from an old-fashioned backslide would be Jude Law and Sienna Miller. We know those two horndogs couldn't both be working on Broadway (albeit separate productions) and not hookup! The dirty details, via NY Daily News Gatecrasher:

[Jude Law and Sienna Miller have been insisting that they're "just friends," but they certainly looked like more than pals during the wee hours of Thursday night. The former lovebirds arrived together at The Box after their respective Broadway performances - Jude is starring in "Hamlet" and Sienna is lighting up the stage in "After Miss Julie" - and a spy at the lower East Side hot spot saw the two get more and more cozy as the night wore on.

"They came in together and got a table with a few friends around 1 a.m.," the source dished. "At one point, Jude ordered shots for the two of them, and he was egging her on to take one. They were laughing a lot and whispering to each other - it looked like they were genuinely having a good time."

And perhaps Jude's former lady love will make the notorious playboy settle down again - our spy continued that although several females approached the table to get the actor's attention, he only had eyes for Sienna.

"Jude's a regular at The Box and a lot of people know him there," the source said. "So he had a ton of people coming up to say hi to him, many of them female, but he really only seemed interested in Sienna." So much so, in fact, that at one point he brought the actress to meet another group of friends, and led her through the crowded club by the hand.

"It looked like he wanted people to see that they were together," the partygoer dished. Reps for Law have previously admitted that although they have indeed seen each other while living in New York, no romance has been rekindled. But our source begs to differ. "They certainly looked like more than just friends," the spy insisted, noting that they both disappeared around 3:30 a.m.]

I believe every word - and then some. Both Jude and Sienna are notoriously horny little bastards. What's more comforting than going where you've already been before? It's like a visit to Grandma's house - only with nookie instead of cookies. 

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The following story is something I could have lived a lifetime without knowing, so naturally I have to share. Do you want to think about Hugh Hefner having sex? Neither do I, but here's a rather detailed story about that very topic. Ben Wa details, courtesy of Hollyscoop: 

[Hugh Hefner has made a killing throughout his lifetime on sex, but having sex nearly killed him. The 83-year-old admits that he nearly died choking on a sex toy while in bed with a group of girlfriends. He revealed: "What is the closest I've come to death? There was a moment when I was having sex with four Playmates and I almost swallowed a Ben Wa ball."

At his age, Hef admits that it's becoming increasing difficult to leave his bed so he prefers to spend most of his time there taking care of as many tasks as he possibly can. He added: "My most treasured possession is my rotating round bed. I don't have dinner parties - I eat my dinner in bed. I relax with my girls in bed, just watching a movie and having a good time. If I had to dress up in fancy dress, I'd wear my pajamas."]

Every day that you don't swallow a Ben Wa ball is so precious. Make every day count, y'all! Meanwhile, has anyone been following the new version of The Girls Next Door? Congratulations to the twins, Kristina and Karissa Shannon, for make Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson look like smart and interesting individuals. Watching those nineteen-year olds bray like donkeys does not a good show make. 

[Photo Credit: Just another day in the life!]

Jessica Simpson is attempting to scold Perez Hilton for "attacking" her family. The only problem is that neither one is bright enough to pull off a verbal scuffle. If anything, poking at Perez will only provoke him. Think he's cruel to the Simpson family now? Wait until he's told what not to do - like a two-year old with a discarded toy, that will  become his favorite the moment it's threatened to be discarded. Details, via Us Weekly:

[Jessica Simpson is coming to her family's defense once again. The 29-year-old singer -- who called Melrose Place "crap" after her younger sister Ashlee was canned -- is now going after celeb blogger Perez Hilton, who poked fun at her nephew Bronx.

On Friday -- Bronx's first birthday -- Perez wrote: "It's been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it's all the family is talking about!" He then ended his post by calling Bronx a "poor lil' thing" who "doesn't stand a chance!!!"

Simpson wasn't amused. She Twittered later that day: "Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all?Don't ever attack my family again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U"

Her spirits seemed to improve a short time later. "I challenge everyone to save up for a flt [ed note: flight] to somewhere you have always wanted to go. Get inspired beyond boundries [sic]," she wrote. "Find something waiting!"]

Jessica's "help" often causes more harm, but it's sweet that she's trying. Perez has yet to respond to Jessica's demand - look for something to appear on Twitter within minutes. If bad press is still good press, look for the Simpson sisters to receive very good press from Hilton soon!

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A race to change diapers is the latest ridiculous rumor from the Jennifer Lopez/ Marc Anthony camp. Lopez drives me nuts, but this story was so hilarious that I had to go for the reprint. Here it is, courtesy of Showbiz Spy: 

[Is Jennifer Lopez's marriage to husband Marc Anthony on the rocks? Insiders claim the couple - who married in June 2004 - constantly argue over how to raise their 18-month-old twins Max and Emme.

"They're always arguing over the kids," said one insider. "Jen often ends up in tears, because she usually has to back down and let Marc have his way." Lopez and Anthony were spotted at a recent Dolphins game in Miami arguing over who could change the twins' diapers the fastest.

"Jennifer and Marc got into an argument over who could change diapers the fastest," a source told the National Enquirer earlier this month. "When the twins' diapers need changing at the same time at home, Jennifer takes Emme, Marc grabs Max and they have timed challenges. When they had a changing race in their box at the football game, Jennifer totally beat Marc!"]

Well, at least we know who wears the Louboutins in the family! I actually believe these two would compete over the smallest little thing - they both have equal amounts of free time and testosterone to spur them on!

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The marriage made in hell may come to pass once more. That's right, fairytale couple Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are rumored to be getting hitched - again! Where else can those two score quality drugs drama, if not from each other? And just in time for the holidays. At least it will give Amy's dad, Mitch Winehouse, something to talk about other than his daughter's boobs. Details, via Hollyscoop:

[Nothing Amy Winehouse does surprises us, but this one takes the cake. Apparently Amy has asked her ex-husband, junkie Blake Fielder-Civil, to marry her--again.

According to Britain's News of the World newspaper, Blake told a friend: "We both know we've only ever been divorced on paper. This is the right thing to do. We've been talking on the phone five or six times a day. On Friday she told me she was going to put the engagement ring on. It's the engagement ring I gave Amy the first time. I think it cost £2,000 from Tiffany. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy."

Oh it gets better! Apparently they have to wait until February to get remarried because Blake isn't legally allowed to return to London until then.]

Take this news with a grain of salt (not heroin). This quotes seem suspiciously accurate, which means the "source" could have made a tiny profit in order to sellout a situation that didn't even take place. Watching Amy piss away her life has been one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen. People loving people who are toxic for them is unfortunately an all too common story. But to be gifted with such an enourmous talent and choose to make nothing of it? That is truly a mystery. Good luck, Amy - you're going to need it.

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The running of the bulls is one of the most exciting (and highly controversial) events that Spain has to offer. However, one usually chooses to participate in this crazy party. Instead the set of Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz's film set got an unexpected thrill. Check it out, via Bitten & Bound:

[Actor Tom Cruise and his co-star Cameron Diaz, who have been on a short break, are set to resume filming their upcoming movie Knight & Day.  On Sunday, seven bulls that are being used in the movie broke free from the Cadiz, Spain set. Two women received minor injuries as the stampeding bulls ditched their confines. The powerful animals, undoubtedly looking for a change of pace, escaped from their downtown location and headed for the beach. Director Jose Luis Escolar isn't sure how the bulls broke free. Perhaps they had a little help?

Cruise and Diaz were not on the set when the incident occurred. As far as production goes, filming was to start back up today but local government spokesman Ignacio Romani reports that it has been halted until further notice -- presumably until order can be restored in Cadiz.]

Is it mating season? That might explain why the bulls went roaming from the set. Perhaps in search of Cruise? Ah, I jest! We all know Katie "Zombie" Holmes keeps Tom more than satisfied. Hey Cameron, if you're feeling lonely I hear that John Mayer is looking for some new pussy. Just trying to be helpful! Meanwhile, enjoy the clip above - Tom and Cameron's sex scene from Vanilla Sky. Will we see more of the same in Knight & Day? Is that really the name of their latest film? That is ridiculous.

We've all seen the Demi Moore W cover by now - and, for the record, it's freakin' airbrushed. A four year old could figure that out, but Demi has taken to Twitter to deny this fact. Frankly I don't know what all the fuss is about - she looks fantastic regardless. It's not as if anyone expects a magazine cover to be a one hundred percent natural representation of any celebrity. Nevertheless, Demi can't handle the rumors and it's causing quite a stir. Does she really believe she only has one hip, or is this just a clever way to get more mileage out her moment in the W sun? Knowing Moore, I'm going with the latter. Details, via Celebitchy:

[There was a lot of buzz over the fact that Demi Moore seemed to be missing a chunk of her thigh in her photo on the cover of W Magazine. Demi is a very thin woman, but her hip is probably not a few inches smaller than her thigh. In her defense, Moore posted a photo to Twitter that she claimed was the original, unretouched version used for W. It showed her hip pushed in like on the cover picture, and she wrote "Here is the original image people my hips were not touched don't let these people bullshit you!" Moore also retweeted a response from a fan that said "its just the way u have ur hip kinda swung to one side..y can noone see this!?"

W Magazine admitted the image was altered but said it was "nothing out of the ordinary." The photographer that shot Demi for W says that of course the photo is retouched, and calls it a "blooper" that belongs on the "art department wall of shame." Photographer Anthony Citrano was kind enough to e-mail us with his comments and says that he'll donate $5,000 to the charity of Demi's choice if she can prove that the photo she posted is the original.]

Celebitchy received an email directly from Anthony Citrano, the photographer of Demi's W shoot, insisting that the picture is indeed slightly doctored. You can click here to read his missive. You know it's bad when even the photographer is willing to sell you out - it's like a date gone horribly wrong. Too bad that a beautiful photo is now a source of controversy for Mrs. Kutcher, but I don't know why she can't be real about the help she receives with her natural beauty. It ain't no big thang!

[W Magazine Cover]

Is anyone surprised to lean that Khloe Odom (nee Kardashian) behaved badly at her first Laker's game as a "wife"? This girl was groomed to be a bitch - and faux-mance is certainly not going to make a dent in all those years of conditioning. Though K-hole believed she'd bartered her vagina for courtside Lakers seats, it looks like Lamar has yet to hold up his end of the bargain. Read the drama, courtesy of Celebitchy and the Chicago Sun-Times:

[Boy those Kardashian women sure know how to ingratiate themselves to a group of people. If the best way to ingratiate yourself is to act like bitchy, catty high school girls. Khloe Kardashian - now Mrs. Lamar Odom - took her mom Kris Jenner with her to her first Laker game once she got hitched. However upon arrival Khloe was extremely dismayed to learn that she was not upgraded to courtside seats upon the completion of her nuptials, and instead was forced to sit with the other Laker wives. This naturally resulted in a lot of passive-aggressive loud whispering.

Sounds like things were a little tense last week, the first time reality TV star Khloe Kardashian attended a Los Angeles Lakers game at L.A.'s Staples Center since she married Lakers star Lamar Odom. Seems Kardashian -- joined by her mom and manager, Kris Jenner -- was very unhappy to learn she didn't get courtside seats. Guess the new Mrs. Odom assumed she'd be plunked down right next to Jack Nicholson!

At any rate, Ms. Khloe huffily sat herself in the section reserved for the Lakers' wives -- where several of the other spouses were overheard ''stage whispering" less-than-complimentary cracks about Kardashian and her family's TV antics. Camp Kardashian denies any snit fits at the game, but one nearby observer claims both Khloe and Kris voiced snide comments about Laker wives. Kardashian supposedly was irked seeing Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa, accompanied by bodyguards as she went to the ladies room. When Bryant heard about the complaint, she reportedly just rolled her eyes and added her own ''stage whisper" to the chorus of Laker wives' comments. [From the Chicago Sun-Times]

It's so hard not to make a "Nobody puts Khloe in the corner!" joke right now. Which is totally where she belongs. I'm sorry, but if you kinda/sorta/maybe marry a Laker and you get to sit with the other Laker wives, you should be damn grateful. I'm sure those are still fantastic seats. Khloe and Lamar were still hammering out the details of their prenup weeks after their wedding ceremony. They were all evasive and vague about it with their denials, so it's still unclear whether they're union is legit. If I were the person on the Laker's staff responsible for tickets, I'd be like, "Show me your wedding license and I'll see what I can do. " Oh, but in a passive-aggressive whisper with lots of barely stifled giggles. Please, ladies.]

The best part is that we'll most likely be clued into the "stage whispers" soon - you know Khloe doesn't go anywhere these days without a microphone taped between her cleavage. Bring on the drama!

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Sandra Bullock might not be the most scintillating actress on the market, but she's created a long career for herself by acting very sweet. She's got several movies in the pipeline for 2010, though she almost skipped her role in The Blind Side. There's a small rumor that she might now be up for an Oscar; though it's another year of slim-pickings in the women's category for Best Actress - and another great year for men. No surprises! Here's a few details of why Sandy almost skipped her headlining role, via ShowBiz Spy:

[Sandra Bullock almost didn't make her new movie The Blind Side - because she kept turning down the role! The Hollywood superstar -- who plays a wealthy woman who takes in a homeless teenager who goes on to play college football in the movie, based on on a novel by Michael Lewis -- admits she was worried about "messing up" the part.

"I don't even remember saying yes to the movie," Sandra revealed. "I kept turning it down. Not because I didn't like it, but because I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to make it the story that it deserves to be. I couldn't bring to the role what it needed. These are the kinds of roles that actresses can mess up, and that's one of the reasons I didn't want to step into it! I didn't know how to make it as good as the story. I'm glad I did it. It's still a scary thought for me. I don't know how I did it, but I had a lot of time to prepare for it."]

I admit that I'm a sucker for Sandra - her sweet nature won me over years ago. I was one of those popcorn-munching fans that enjoyed The Proposal and I always root for her in "real life" as well. However, I ran across an interesting article on Gawker/Defamer that raises a curious question - why is Bullock so famous? Check it out:

[She's made more bombs than the Krupp Arms Works and yet Hollywood keeps giving her the keys to its kingdom. This weekend, Sandra Bullock is back again in The Blind Side. When she burst into public consciousness, stealing the show in Speed 15 years ago, Bullock was hailed as the thinking man's starlet, a smart, tough wise-cracking throwback to Jean Arthur or Katherine Hepburn. And the residual good will of her "not a bimbo" persona still lingers on.

Well, no performer has done more to squander the public's good will than Sandra Bullock. In the decade and a half since Speed, she has accumulated a lifetime Rotten Tomatoes score of 28 (and that is helped by Oscar winner Crash in which she was only part of an ensemble.) Reading through the list of her films is like visiting the site of some epic, senseless battle and reciting the names of the fallen.

Read aloud with us then, the list of the films Sandra Bullock has inflicted upon society since her great moment (with Rotten Tomatoes scores): All About Steve (6), The Proposal (43), Premonition (8), The Lake House (36), Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous (14), Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (44), Murder by Numbers (30), Miss Congeniality (40), 28 Days (30), Gun Shy (24), 
Forces of Nature (46), Practical Magic (21), Hope Floats (23), Speed 2: Cruise Control (2), In Love and War (12), Two If by Sea (12), The Net (30),

Simply awe-inspiring. Note that Bullock has appeared in three films that achieved Tomatoes scores of under ten, a fate that should not befall any actor more than once. (Nicole Kidman, for comparison sake, has made plenty of clunkers in her time but has never been in a movie that scored below 19.)]

Click here to read Defamer's article in it's entirety. It leads me to wonder how far a good attitude can take a woman. Is Bullock being rewarded her sweetness as much as Angelina Jolie used to be punished for her formerly overt sexuality? Does making other women comfortable equal bank? 

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Jay-Z knows which side his bread is buttered on! The rapper recently attended the famed Victoria's Secret fashion show - but refused to walk the red carpet out of respect for his wife, Beyonce (aka Sasha Fierce). He even went as far as to request a private booth for the after-party that would keep him away from the luscious models. Details, via Page Six: 

[Jay-Z refused to be photographed with the Victoria's Secret models for fear of upsetting his wife, Beyoncé. The rap icon would not walk the red carpet or pose with the girls at Thursday's fashion show and after-party at M2, thrown by Microsoft's Bing. A source told Page Six: "Victoria's Secret begged, but Jay-Z refused . . . he explained it was out of respect for Beyoncé." At M2, he was given a private booth so he could keep his distance from models including Alessandra Ambrosio, Selita Ebanks, Chanel Iman, Miranda Kerr and Heidi Klum. But most other men at the party were clamoring to get near the girls. Marisa Miller was given a mother-and-daughter team of bodyguards to keep the crowds of admirers away. Guests included Harvey Weinstein, Sir Richard Branson, and the Black Eyed Peas, while "Saturday Night Live" stars Seth Myers and Jason Sudeikis were spotted doing laps of the club to check out the girls.]

Call me crazy, but wouldn't it be easier not to attend the function at all? Doth the man protest too much or is this a case of a well-behaved husband? I love Jay-Z, so I'm going to buy his motivation to respect Beyonce - even if she personally drives me nuts. It's refreshing to think these two could be happily married. Meanwhile, let's get more dirt on the stars who did get naughty - hello!

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Eddie Cibrian is no cheater, y'all - at least not when it comes to LeAnn Rimes. He was happy to have allegedly cheated on estranged wife Brandi Glanville with Scheana Marie and LeAnn, but Rimes is special so he wouldn't do that to her! So adamant is Eddie about his fidelity to LeAnn that he actually sued Life & Style for reporting that Cibrian was still seeing former mistress Scheana while romancing Rimes. Aww, it's nice to see true profit love reigning supreme. A summary of the current events, courtesy of Crazy Days & Nights:

[Eddie Cibrian must really want that gravy train to keep on rolling because he sued Life & Style for their article that he was cheating on LeAnn Rimes with a woman he had previously cheated on his wife with. Oh, and of course he also cheated on his wife with LeAnn and of course both women knew he was married when they decided to help him cheat. That is a lot of cheating. Oh, and of course LeAnn cheating on her husband with Eddie.
Do I think Eddie was cheating on LeAnn? I don't know. It wouldn't shock me but this his meal ticket and so I don't think he would throw it away quite that quickly. I do know that if he continues with this suit that he better be prepared to answer a million questions about his sex life and that if he cheated in his marriage with any other women it will all come out.
If he didn't cheat on LeAnn and only cheated on his wife with LeAnn and Scheana (above) then he will be ok. Of course if there are two women there are probably more.]

Generally history proves that a leopard doesn't change his spots, so I don't know why this situation would be any different. Perhaps true love has conquered all and Cibrian's philandering ways are behind him - or not...

[Photo Credit: Hang on, I'm thinking.]

Good thing Twilight is all the rage and Robert Pattinson can't walk down the street safely anymore - it makes things soooo much easier for Zac Efron. Thank god, because I've been really concerned about Zac's quality of life. In case you've forgotten about him, Efron is here to remind you - he was a hunk first, damnit. Here is the hilarious quote, via Showbiz Spy:

[Zac Efron insists he's happy that Robert Pattinson came on the showbiz scene -- because now he can have a life! The High School Musical actor says he's delighted to give way to the Twilight hunk because Pattinson deflects the attention away from him. "It's great because now I don't get so much female attention," Efron said.]

Yes, every 22 year-old male wishes for less female attention. Naturally. We all know his girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, is more than enough woman for him! He's already got his mom on condom purchasing duty, so he's really got his plate free to concentrate on that acting career. Get 'em, Zac!

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New Moon

Ty Burr of The Boston Globe remarks: "Sorry, girls: The thrill is gone." He says that "where the first film's director, Catherine Hardwicke, plugged into [author Stephenie] Meyer's vision of supernatural teenage lust with abandon, Chris Weitz is stuck with a sequel that's a morning-after mope-fest." Burr also says that the film favors werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) than vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson). "When he's onscreen, Pattinson's Edward is all emo posturing under a trembling bouffant - the actor suddenly seems to be embarrassed to be here," says Burr. "Lautner's performance, by contrast, has the warmth of an actual human."

But Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times says Lautner and Kristen Stewart (who plays Bella) have no heat: "The connection between these two is so self-evidently non-romantic that it turns out not to be much of a diversion."

USA Today's Claudia Puig agrees, saying the the Bella-Edward romance is a bore and that "the pace picks up" once Jacob and his pals turn into werewolves. She gave the film 2.5 out of 4 stars.

Variety writes that ladies hoping to gaze at Pattinson the big screen " may be disappointed by Pattinson's reduced presence" in the sequel, "as his Edward appears predominantly in mumbling visions until a cliffhanger that brazenly sets up the next episode."]

Clearly I'm not the only one who didn't read anything after the first Twilight novel! Talk about stating the obvious. Perhaps I need a career change. The critics aren't the only ones ready to smash New Moon - the Vatican is peeved as well. The church has slammed the flick as a "deviant moral vacuum." Hey Vatican, does hypocrisy taste like wine? Just curious. In a surprise twist, my thinly veiled smokescreen has been blown away. My offer to take my thirteen year-old niece to see New Moon has been turned down! She says she thinks the movie will be boring. Is everyone a critic? Now I don't even have my teen shield - I'm gonna have to own up to wanting to see these vamps, though I have some pretty awesome company lined up in cousin Amy. If the movie sucks as much as they say, at least we'll get to enjoy the popcorn!

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How about a bowl of titties for lunch? I know my boyfriend wouldn't mind - and apparently that's what on the menu at Carl's Junior. What could make some dee-licious fast food even better? The presence of a Kardashian, naturally. Yes, Kim K found a way to steal a little thunder from all the press her sisters have been generating. A quickie marriage, followed by a whirlwind of talk shows (Khloe) and a surprise pregnancy by a jackass (Kourtney) pale in comparison to Kim whipping out her tom toms to hawk salad. Details, via Scandalist:

[You thought it was sexy when Audrina Patridge put some meat in her mouth when she was in that bikini, or when  Paris Hilton soaked up a Bentley and then bit into a big juicy burger? Well, now Carls Jr. is kicking it up a notch and getting in bed with Kim Kardashian! The reality star is the latest celebrity pitchwoman for Carls Jr. - this time pushing their Carl's Jr. Premium Salads.

"I'm always down for a burger. I love them and I eat them," Kim says. "But this is the first commercial they've ever done for anything but a burger. The salads are healthy and it totally fits what I'm about right now."

According to Kim, even though her ad is for a salad, it is just as piping hot if not hotter than those steamy burger ads. "I told them about my life and how I'm such a neat freak, but I love to have bed picnics - I put out my towel and eat in bed, and then when it gets all messy I take a hot bubble bath after to wash it off. You'll see that sexy wow factor in this one!]

How she can spew this nonsense with a straight face, I'll never know. Perhaps I'm not giving enough kredit to the Kardashian clan as a whole - turns out that family is chock full of actors! I personally think the photo is quite unflattering. Too much focus was put on her enormous clevage, while not enough attention was paid to her posture. She looks like sweat-pant clad hausfrau who's ready to attack the Fritos with the television remote. Chalk one up for Paris Hilton, as their feud kontinues to heat up!

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Damn, it's good to be a gangster. Levi Johnston is pimping large. He and his fay little kerchief rule, don't you know? Oh, appearantly you don't! Let me fill you in, courtesy of Litely Salted (with cited sources):

[Levi Johnston flew out to Los Angeles earlier this week for last night's GQ "Men of the Year" party, and made a huge assy spectacle of himself at JFK airport, refusing to stand in line with "the commoners" (including Seinfeld's Jason Alexander) and insisted to be seated before everyone else.

A spy on his American Airlines flight told Page Six: "He then made a big show of getting on first. He was seated in the front row of first class, looking like he was born to be there and waiting for some recognition. Jason Alexander was quietly sitting behind him." (Source)

It was a different story when he actually got to the star-studded GQ event, however, because as it turns out nobody gives a shit about some punk-ass 15-minutes-of-fame governor's-daughter-impregnating redneck from Alaska:

Levi, who had on a vest, yellow pocket square and what appeared to be pancake makeup, wandered around the party with both his manager Tank (wearing a diamond earring) and a second beefy gentleman (wearing an earpiece). And no one cared. Levi was largely ignored by other guests as he wandered to get a soda (he's underage) and he checked his Blackberry while Tank hit up the buffet. An hour later, they were gone. (Source)]

I adore Levi's willingness to act as the public thorn in Sarah Palin's side - but baby doll's gotta take it down notch. Don't spoil this for me, Levi. I'm counting on you.

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Brad Pitt didn't show up for an apperance that would have added $5 million to his already overflowing pocketbook. Rumor has it he was confirmed to attend the Grand Prix Ball Abu Dhabi, but instead opted to stay in L.A. with Angelina Jolie and their six children. The replacement gig? Taking the kids trick-or-treating. Details, via Hollyscoop:

[When you're as famous and rich as Brad Pitt, you can afford to turn down public appearances. But Brad recently turned down $5 million dollars, yes million, in order to go trick or treating with his kids. Brad was offered $5 million dollar to attend the Grand Prix Ball Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates on October 31, but failed to show up because he was out with Angelina Jolie and their six kids in Los Angeles.

A source told Life & Style magazine: "He's spending more time with the family and doing less of these appearances, even though it's a huge sum of cash." A spokesperson for the event - which featured performances from Beyonce, Aerosmith and Timbaland, and raised money for clean water charity Fresh2o - admitted Brad had been expected to attend and was unsure why he didn't.

James Magee, a rep for Global Event Management, said: "We were told he would be attending as the guest of the Tourism Development and Investment Company. But he was a no-show, and nobody seemed to know why."]

There's no denying that Brad seems to be a good father - but $5 million good? I'm sure he gives up a variety of activities to kick it with his Rainbow Brood, but I feel there's a back-story that's not being shared. And that back-story is called "Angelina was being a bitch and Brad was placating her, again." It sounds like a bestseller! The cash is nice, but that ain't where his bread is buttered - if ya know what I mean...

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Here is Carmen Electra's addition to the oeuvre. (Video mildly NSFW) Remember when having a sex tape was a completely shame-inducing, career-ruining event? Naw, me neither. Thanks, Paris Hilton! You are truly an innovator, changing the world one vagina at a time. 

Star to dollar power, activate! Forbes Magazine has revealed, in one of their all-powerful listy-lists, that Will Ferrell is currently the most overpaid actor in Hollywood. Forbes can suck it. What's all the worry with this "profit" bullshit? What about audience satisfaction combined with the fact that Will is absolutely adored by all? Does that not count for anything with you assholes? Details, via Hollyscoop:

[Being on a Forbes is usually really flattering, but Will Ferrell got the short end of the stick when he was named the most overpaid star by the magazine. The magazine calculated how much studio bosses earn per dollar paid to the actor, and clearly, they're overpaying Will.  After Will's last few movies bombed at the box office, his rate of return dropped to $3.29 for every dollar he requested as his fee.  While Will was named the most overpaid star, actor Shia LaBeouf was named the "Best Actor for the Buck" making studio's $160 for every dollar he was paid.]

I think far too much credit has been paid to Shia "Douche" LaBeouf. His "acting" abilities were not exactly what pulled in the big bucks this past year. If anything, kudos should be awarded to the enormous Transformers budget, crafty green screen tricks and Megan Fox's ass. In related news, Carmen Electra has a sex tape! Of course she does. Perhaps she and Will should team up for a film. Then we'll talk about your precious profit ratio, Forbes.

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A Jon Gosselin sex tape might exist. Just typing those words makes me sick to my stomach. How is it possible that someone so ridiculous could have had as many post-marital flings as this man? Is it a sign of our fame hungry culture or does this guy really do it for the ladies? Details, via Litely Salted:

["Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape!" said Stephanie Santoro, Jon's former flame and family nanny. "Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. "He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!"]

Eww, just like the Frank Gifford scandal from years ago - only, unlike Kathie Lee, I don't think Kate could give a shit were Jon's dick resides. I hope this tape does not get unleashed on the world. Really - what have the rest of us done to deserve this? The good news? Jon might allegedly be "too famous to work" - but at least he could earn some income from porn!

Meanwhile, here are details (via Perez Hilton) on the series finale of Jon & Kate Plus 8 - you know, the show that (unfortunately) made our man with the sticky wicket a household name. The show airs just in time for Thanksgiving. Aww, how sweet! 

[It's the end of an era! We're nearing the final episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, which is set to air on November 23. The soon-to-be divorced couple Jon and Kate Gosselin are reportedly both sitting down to "provide new insights on their recent life events" and discuss "what the future holds for them and their eight children."

It has also been revealed that Kate Plus 8 as a series is a no-go, but there may be "occasional specials" under the new name. TLC is in the development stages for a new show for Kate. The series finale of Jon and Kate Plus 8 will include clips from Kate and the kids' visiting a dairy farm and a firehouse. There will also be the obligatory montage of highlights from the past 5 years. How nice for the family to see the demise of their marriage set to music!]

It's good to know that no matter "how famous" Jon Gosselin gets, he'll never stop being a douche. It's comforting to have that touchstone of reality.

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I haven't mentioned James Franco's General Hospital tenure here - mainly because I found it so bizarre that I didn't really know what to say. But it's getting difficult to ignore the fact that James has a serious hard-on for televsion right now. Up next for the actor? A guest spot on 30 Rock. I don't find that choice odd - that's the golden ring for celebrities to have fun with cameos. But an extended contract with a soap opera? I find that puzzling. Most actors struggle to land movie roles (which Franco has accomplished several times over) - so to intentionally throw yourself back into the daily grind seems odd, at best. However, the more research I do on the story, the more interested I become. Here's the scoop on the actor's 30 Rock appearance, via In Touch: 

[Jane Krakowski has confirmed the rumors -- James Franco is coming to 30 Rock! According to Jane, who plays ditzy actress Jenna on the NBC hit comedy, the series' creator and star Tina Fey brought the Spider-Man hottie on board after working with him on the movie Date Night. "He and Jenna are set up for an industry type of relationship," Jane explained to In Touch at the Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation gala at the New York Marriot Marquis on November 9. Despite their on-screen love being a sham "faux-mance," Jane enjoyed having James on the set. "We just finished our shots together, and he was very lovely. It was great fun to have him, he's a very talented actor!" the blond bombshell added.]

I'm still wondering how Franco's soap opera contract negotiations went down. I picture the casting director hanging up on James' agent the first time, thinking it was all in jest - and pissing herself when the call came back 'round. I'm really interested to see where he goes with this experience. It's fun to see someone of his stature taking chances. Here's a ode to the brilliance that is James, via Go Fug Yourself: 

[Franco himself is being tight-lipped about his motives and moving along to 30 Rock without any to-do -- and that's smart, because the speculation is creating way more buzz than it would if we simply discovered he has a beloved old aunt who still drinks from a Luke-and-Laura coffee mug. And in the end, we don't really care about the hows and whys; we're just fascinated that he's here, there, and everywhere. Joining General Hospital, and acting like it's just another gig, displays a ballsy disregard for conventional Hollywood wisdom, and adds a line to his résumé that has already generated more discussion than all the Spider-Man movies combined. For any ridicule Franco may get, he's created twice as much intrigue -- making him not only a clever actor, but a versatile and surprising one. So next year, when commencement rolls around again, we hope someone offers Franco the chance to give that speech. It'll probably be a doozy. Especially now that he'll be able to deliver it while staring longingly into middle distance as one perfect tear rolls down his cheek.]

Forgive me for taking so long - I'm totally onboard!

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Rumor has it that Josh Duhamel is still texting the stripper he allegedly had sex with after a wild night at a club. Nothing says "I'm sorry" to your spouse like still keeping in touch with the woman you had your dick in. Like I said, Fergie better be sporting some serious jewelry soon! Details, via Crazy Days & Nights:

[Josh Duhamel is an idiot. Either that or he knows that no matter what he does Fergie is going to keep him. Nicole Forrester was on Extra and she went on there to apologize to Fergie and also of course to get some more publicity and money out of all this, but she also did have some more great stuff to share.

"I thought, 'Nobody's gonna find out. It's not gonna hurt anybody. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't think of it at the time like I think of it now." Forrester says that Josh wasn't very good in bed. The people at Extra didn't ask if he was well endowed. She says she hasn't stripped since the news broke and won't now because her kids know what she was doing and they are embarrassed and ashamed.
Through all of this though, Josh keeps sending her text messages. One she shared with Extra said, "Wow, UR scared?" Oh, that Josh, he is a charmer isn't he? She replied back to him that she didn't want any part of all this. Uh huh. That is why she keeps going on shows.]

I wasn't aware that when you clear a polygraph, you're allowed to keep saying whatever the hell you want thereafter. Has anyone actually seen those texts and been able to verify that they're coming from Josh? On the other hand, if I'd known it was that easy to get Josh's attention, I would have squeezed myself into a sparkly thong and given it my best shot. Care for a little bump and grind, Mr. Duhamel?

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If there's money to be made somewhere, trust a wily advertising agency to help grab it. Yes, someone has finally figured out a way to make some cash from all those celebrity Tweets - and it sounds like the famous folk will be taking a cut of the profit. Check it out, via Gawker:

[When show business spots a corner of public consciousness not colonized by product placement and paid endorsements, its experts spring to work to take care of that.

Twitter has been around for years already, but at last Hollywood has completed its exploitation project. The Wrap reports that one brave company has now led the charge for celebrities wishing to sell their 140 characters. They write: Kim Kardashian, Joel McHale, Dr. Drew, Nicole Richie and husband Joel Madden and Audrina Patridge from "The Hills" are just a few of the names who have endorsement deals for their Twitter accounts. The celebs are signing onto a new viral marketing strategy set up by the Los Angeles-based ad agency Ad.ly, which brokers relationships with the advertisers. Currently, Ad.ly has lined up international companies such as Sony Pictures, NBC, Universal, Microsoft and Nestle for the new platform. Lest you think this is just another example of the celebrity oligarchy shoving its will down the public's throat, the twitter-selling network is only to all interested parties who register on Ad.ly's site.]

It hurts me physically to learn that Joel McHale (The Soup's hilarious host on E!) is a part of the fray - the rest of the list contains the usual sellouts. Not to say that I wouldn't take cash for my Tweets if it came my way! Have you heard what happened to the Twitter account "Shit My Dad Says"? I'd be making a mint if I could Tweet freely. Have I mentioned that my mother-in-law follows me on Twitter? I'm just sayin'! Ah, the hell with it - I'm gonna let loose and take my chances. Look for me on CBS soon...

[Photo Credit: For sale.]

Disgraced beauty pageant professional Carrie Prejean has not one, not two - not even three sex tapes. Rather Ms. Holy Roller has eight films that show her masturbating. Talk about self love! Oh, and in addition to the tapes, there are also a reported thirty topless photos of the former Miss California. She sure has a lot of "time" on her hands for someone who wasn't able to fulfill her contractual obligations. Details? Oh, yes - via Snarkerati: 

[Carrie Prejean said that making her solo sex tape was the biggest mistake of her life. She made it sound like the video was a once in a lifetime occurrence and was totally accidental. Now, she's trying to take the Christian high road and say that our bodies are temples, blah blah blah.

I didn't know it was possible to turn a sex tape (or eight of them!) into something religious and spiritual. Reportedly, there were more than just one of "the biggest mistakes" of her live, try seven more than the one we were already aware of. It's porno for Christians!

Reportedly, in one of the tapes, she's said to be showing everything, and was taken by her using her reflection in a mirror. On another of the recordings, she was seen wearing a white blouse as she does *things* to herself. She's giving perverts a new reason to praise Jesus.]

I didn't know being a judgmental hypocrite was such a great way to get off! What will she "come" up with next? Hey, it's not gay if you're touching yourself!

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It takes a very special occasion to lift my self-imposed Spencer Pratt ban. This is one of those rare instances. Check it out, via Bunny With Fangs!:

[Well, we wouldn't want to piss them off. She might steal Spencer--you know, because she steals people's husbands! But seriously, we'd love to sit down and discuss fame with them. Consider this your formal invitation, Brangelina. Let's hang out sometime. We'll be SpeidiLina!]

The only way I could imagine this "meeting" taking place is if Angelina were still into the practice of self-mutilation. I can assume that intentionally cutting yourself would be equal in pain to spending time with Spencer Pratt and his "wife" Heidi Montag. Though I could see it happening if Angie were really pissed at Brad - talk about punishment! This could be Jolie's perfect weapon - look for Pitt to agree on the adoption of that seventh child any day now! As for Angelina stealing Spencer? Well, she's had dirtier things. Cough *Billy Bob Thornton* Cough.

This is what Coco chose to wear while cleaning the house. I've heard (via my boyfriend's repeated requests) that I'm supposed to don a French Maid costume at some point in our relationship. I assumed this was Halloween specific and not a year-round expectation. Something tells me Ice-T and his wife Coco have a very different union!

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As much as they love their kids, Apple, 5, and Moses, 3, the couple have been finding little common ground in recent years. The friends says that Gwyneth has "changed a lot" growing more serious and developing an interest in Kabbalah, while Chris, 32, has "stayed the same," and as a result the two have little to talk about.

"The only thing they may have in common these days is their kids," the friend explains. And although Gwyneth is trying hard to work things out with Chris, some wonder if it's worth it.]

I don't believe Chris's denial of the Kate Bosworth affair - but far be it for me to tell Ms. Perfect Paltrow what to do! As for the growing "differences" between the couple? Well, Gwyneth seems more determined than ever to make being an uptight bitch her full-time job. As for Chris? Boys just wanna have fun - especially when they're world-famous rock stars. As I mentioned earlier, I think Paltrow's shine has worn off for Martin. I'm sure he was intimataed and overwhelmed with they first hooked up - but I'll be things are quite different behind closed doors. Look for a split announcement after the holidays - that's my guess!

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