January 2010 Archives

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Kim-Kardashian-leaked-bikini-photo-shoot-pics.jpg* Hey, everyone! It's Kim Kardashian in a bikini... again. ~ Bitten & Bound

* There's no truth to a third Sex & The City movie - yet. But I want it to be true. How can I will this into existence? It will be the lead-in topic of discussion at my "30-something women and their cats" meeting. ~ Us Weekly 

* Bradley Cooper was seen ring shopping! Rumor has it that he may propose to "girlfriend" Renee Zellweger on Valentine's Day. In an interesting coincidence, Bradley also stars in an upcoming film by the same name as the famed lover's holiday. I love it when romance smells like a P.R. stunt - it's so sexy. ~ Hollywood Dame

* Tiger Woods has weird sex fantasies - according to a former fling. Is it a fantasy if it comes true? ~ What Would Tyler Durden Do? 

* Tori Spelling and hubby Dean McDermott have nude photos of themselves hanging up in the bathroom where their young children brush their teeth. Come on you two, no one wants to see that shit. The teeth-brushing, that is. ~ Hollywood Life 

* Angelina Jolie and Lady Gaga allegedly had a fling at a swanky NYC hotel. Yeah, I could see it being a real toss up between Brad Pitt and a chick with a dick. That Angie is insatiable! ~ The Hollywood Gossip

* Camila Alves says no sex or working out for 40 days after the birth of her second child with Matthew McConaughey. She says she can't wait to work out! That must have been some delivery. ~ Crazy Days & Nights

Remember, Panty Line Press is currently posting Mondays thru Fridays. I look forward to seeing you back here Monday, February 1st. Have a great weekend! In the meantime, where in the hell did January go? The month, not the Jones that is allegedly hanging out with Jeremy Piven. Yucky.

Oh, Yeah - What Were We Thinking?

nicole-richie-skeletal-bikini-pic.jpgNicole Richie has publicly chastised all of us presumptuous jerks who assumed she ever had an eating disorder. Yeah, my bad. You know what they say about assumptions! Details from both Marie Claire UK and Socialite's Life

[Two babies and a new clothing line later, Nicole Richie assumes we all have as short of attention spans as she does, claiming in the March issue of Marie Claire UK that she never had an eating disorder.

"I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible," the 28-year-old...fashion-designer?...said.

Isn't that the whole reason she got into the tabloids in the first place?! The photos don't lie. Perhaps she's just a being little forgetful, like that little hiccup when she forgot which side of the road to drive on.

On the bright side, she looks healthier now in a photo shoot for the magazine with her newly brown locks, wearing a leather jacket from her new line Winter Kate.]

It's true - an eating disorder is a very serious thing. But come on, Nicole. I know you're aiming for a "Jolie-esque" transformation - but we'll always remember Angelina's vials of blood and we'll never forget your former scrawniness. It doesn't mean we're not proud of your positive changes! 

[Photo Credit]

Katy Perry's Producer Is Naughty

katy-perry-life-ball-2009-wikipedia.jpgKaty Perry's Twitter account was hacked! And by "hacked" Katy means that she left her Twitter page logged in and her computer open - and her wiley producer took full advantage of the moment. Details from Contact Music, via Litely Salted

[Katy Perry was left red-faced after her producer hacked into her Twitter.com account to post a series of embarrassing messages.
The "I Kissed A Girl" hitmaker was stunned when she discovered Lukasz Gottwald, also known as Dr. Luke, logged onto her page and wrote obscene comments for all her friends and fans to see. One post read, "Is it normal to have the recurrent rash with blisters on my vagina???" while another said, "Oops I cr**ped my pants! It's messy. What should I do?" After realising she'd been pranked, Perry blasted the songwriter, writing, "Hey stop! I leave my computer for one second. Stop hacking my Twitter."]

Dang, he must be really pissed at her for not finishing those songs! The two already engaged in Tweet war when Dr. Luke jokingly said she couldn't leave the studio and go home to her fiance (Russell Brand) until she completed her work. But now he's taken it to the next level and made Perry's vagina a Trending Topic on Twitter. And she's paying him for this? More, from the MTV Newsroom

[Meanwhile, some of Perry's most famous followers got in on the action. "Katy Perry's vagina is trending! Amazing!" wrote Perez Hilton on his Twitter. "Let's get Katy Perry's vagina to #1 y'all!" Plenty of people followed suit, including Cobra Starship frontman Gabe Saporta, burlesque performer Dita Von Teese, former Letters to Cleo singer Kay Hanley and Paris Hilton.

In the end, Perry apologized to her mother (again) and signed out of Twitter for the night. In the end, it was Dr. Luke who had the last laugh. "I told you I make number ones biatch!" he tweeted. "Now 'Katy Perry's Vagina' is the #1 trending topic!" As Perry learned, sometimes the Internet is like the ocean: You never want to turn your back to it for too long.]

Ah, the fantastic day and age we live in: Jessica Simpson's flatulence and Katy Perry's vagina are top stories. Who says there's a double standard for women? I'm sure we'll be hearing about Gerard Butler's bowel movement's and Tom Cruise's penis tomorrow...

Twitter is serious fun! Follow me here. xo

[Photo Credit: This one goes out to you, vagina!]


kourtney-kardashian-premo-stallone-photo-shoot.jpgThe paternity question of her newborn son continues to haunt Kourtney Kardashian, thanks to a mouthy alleged hookup. A rapper, who goes by the name Premo Stallone, claims that he enjoyed a "night of passion" with the eldest Kardashian sister and - if that wasn't enough to make you shudder - he'd also like you to know that they didn't use protection! He did the math and concluded that he may very well be the father of Mason Dash Disick (aka - Kardashian Kardashian Disick). I would loved to have been in the room to watch Premo "do the math" - he can count to nine! Details from Star Magazine, via Celebitchy

[The handsome model who appeared in a steamy photo shoot with Kourtney Kardashian has come forward to confirm it. And now Michael Girgenti is demanding that Scott Disick join him in taking a paternity test to see who's the real daddy!

Michael says he and Kourtney enjoyed a single night of passion nine months before little Mason was born, at a time when she and Scott were on the outs. "If Mason is Scott's son, more power to him," Michael tells Star. "But it he's mine, I need to part of his life. It's been eating away at me for months."

Michael and Kourtney first met in August 2008 at a photo shoot. "It was an incredibly sexy shoot," says Michael, who's also an aspiring actor and screenwriter. "At one point, I was shirtless and blindfolded, and Kourtney was wearing a baby doll teddy and fishnets and digging her fingernails into my chest!" ...

 "We shared a friendly hug and just sat outside talking on the patio," he says. "She opened up to me about how Scott was disrespecting her, saying nasty things about her to their friends." Kourtney left after two hours. And though her rep has denied it, Michael says she returned two nights later -and things got physical.

"We were sitting next to each other on the living room couch, drinking red wine," he says. "I put my arm around her, we smiled at each other... and shared a long kiss before heading for the bedroom."

Michael and Kourtney had sex for an hour, he tells Star. "She was a wonderful lover and very beautiful. We didn't use any protection - she didn't ask me about it, and I was too caught up in the moment to think about it."

After Kourtney went home, Michael got an e-mail from her that same day complaining about Scott, and that was the last he heard from her.

Mason Dash was born on Dec. 14 - almost exactly nine months after the romp. "After the news broke last August that she was pregnant and I did the math, I started to think, 'That kid could very well be mine," he says. "I've sent Kourtney e-mails over the winter, saying we needed to talk about it - but she hasn't replied."

"Now it's to the point where I flat out just need to know if that's my son. I'm ready to take a paternity test, and I hope that Scott would be man enough to do the same. In the end, it's all about doing right by the boy - and I would be the best father I could be if he really were mine."]

Ah, this warms my heart! An aspiring rapper/actor/screenwriter who just wants to take responsibility for the possibility of creating a human life. No press, or thanks, needed. More, from Celebitchy

[Here's the thing: I totally believe this. All of it. I'm sold. I think it's totally possible that Mason Dixon's daddy is not Scott Disick. Of course, I also believe it's possible it's not Premo Stallone either. I think Kourtney was stuck, like so many, many women, in a relationship cycle with a dude who treated her like crap (Scott), and she decided to screw around with whoever was around to make herself feel better. Premo was one of those guys. And he could be the baby-daddy. Oh, I want this scandal to grow!]

Me too, Celebitchy, me too. Take the paternity test, Scott. You haven't been a man about very many things - let this be the time you step up. Do it for me - and do it for E!

[Photo Credit: A grainy shot from the alleged photo shoot between Kourtney and Premo.]

Brad Pitt's Bitch-Back

brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-brads-misery-us-weekly-cvr.jpgUs Weekly concedes that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have yet to break up - but they will, my pretties! (And evil cackling commences...) Turns out there's plenty to fight about at the Jolie-Pitt household - and this week it centers around who's doing what for the kids at the top the list. Details, via Us Weekly

[Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may not be splitting yet, but the new Us Weekly (on newsstands now) reports their relationship might not last much longer.

Sources tell Us Weekly that Jolie, 34, often feels she's shouldering the parental burden of their six kids, Maddox, 8, Pax, 6, Zahara, 5, Shiloh, 3, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 18 months. "Angie felt like Brad wasn't pulling his weight," says an insider.

She's "exhausted and has been overwhelmed" with the kids, adds another. "She has nannies, but she wants to do it herself. Her kids are all in different stages now, running around, needing attention."

Jolie -- whom one source describes as a "type A" who "runs the household" -- is demanding on Pitt, 46, even down to the last detail, Us Weekly reports. "She'll yell at him when he makes the eggs too runny or burns something," says a source, who points out how Pitt prides himself as "a Mr. Mom who loves to cook." 

Their spats have gotten so bad recently, one source notes, Pitt took to "calling her a bitch behind her back."]

And then he whips out his phone and texts Jennifer Aniston! Believe me, I want all of this to be true. Adios Angie - hola to a Brad and Jen reunion. I'd like to see Brad go back to blonde (both on his head and in his bed) and I think Shiloh deserves a nicer mommy. But I'm ready for some action, goddamn it! Enough of this five year cock-tease. Let's make like the prom and get it on.

[Us Weekly magazine cover. The Bitch-Back title is also an ode to Ted Casablanca's column/blog, The Awful Truth. Full of dirt - check it out!]

Hit The Snooze Button

Go ahead, sleep in a little longer - you won't miss a thing! Other than Shia LeBeouf replacing Charlie Sheen in Michael Douglas's onscreen life for the sequel to Wall Street. Dont' worry - it'll be available to rent before you know it! You can't blame Michael for taking the job - he needed to save up for his Viagra

Paris Hilton Doesn't Smell Good Enough For Harvey Weinstein

Paris_Hilton_at_Sundance_Film_Festival_2008.jpgDespite releasing ten "fragrances" into the world, Paris Hilton still stinks. The fact that Hilton is now as relevant as the tag-line to a bad joke goes all the way to the top echelon of Hollywood. Frankly nothing makes me happier. It's time for someone to put her in her place - and who better than the head of the beloved Weinstein films? Details from the New York Post, via Celebslam

[Over at Harry O's, Hilton was throwing a blonde out of the club for flirting with her boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt. Our source said, "The girl was trying to dance with Doug. Paris asked everyone if they knew her. Nobody did, so she demanded security throw her out. The girl seemed very drunk."

But Hilton herself was snubbed by Harvey Weinstein, who was with Ben Affleck and others at the DirecTV party for "The Company Men." A source said, "Paris tried to speak to Harvey and the others at the table. He ignored her, and his whole crew then got up and left her standing there."

Hilton's rep said, "The situation with the girl has been very exaggerated. We don't comment on people who are looking for publicity for themselves. As for Harvey, he was already leaving when we arrived."]

Irony alert: Hilton's entire life centers around seeking publicity for herself. And spin Harvey's exit all you want, Mr. PR Man - we know your bitch got snubbed. Harvey had time for quick hello - he just didn't want to waste it on Paris. More, from Celebslam

[Paris just can't win. She either rubs people the wrong way, or she rubs them until they've soiled their pants. Perhaps the real reason why Harvey and the others walked away without acknowledging Paris is that they just didn't want to be seen with her. It's a well-documented fact that there's only one thing worse for your career in Hollywood than being photographed with Paris Hilton -- voting for a Republican.]

Heh, heh - Hilton's sex degrees of separation from Bush. No one wants to see that shit.

[Photo Credit: All ass, no class.]

A Lohan Arrest

Thumbnail image for michael-lohan-as-joseph-nativity.jpgNot Lindsay Lohan for her crimes against fashion. Not Ali Lohan for her crimes against youth and aging. Not even Dina Lohan for her crimes against motherhood. Those Lohan brothers are actually smart enough to stay off the radar. With the field significantly narrowed, I guess that only leaves...father Michael Lohan! Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Lindsay Lohan's father Michael Lohan has been arrested yet again. For a man who claims to be a minister, abiding by the law must not be part of his belief system.

On January 21, Michael's ex-girlfriend Erin Muller, 34, claims that he called her at her place of work. This is in direct violation of a court order of protection that prevents him from contacting her for any reason. Lohan, 49, was arrested yesterday morning and charged with criminal contempt. This is a second strike for Michael, who was arrested in December for the same offense. Lohan's attorney claims that his client is a "victim of fabrication."]

"A victim of fabrication" - funny, that seems to describe the entire Lohan clan. It's difficult to think of someone creepier than Michael Lohan. His brief friendship with Jon Gosselin was the axis of total fame-fuckery - it was kind of a shame to see it go by the wayside. Lindsay certainly brings a lot of trouble on all by herself - but having a father like this certainly can't be helping matters. 

[Photo Credit: By Lemony Sarah. The look of an "innocent" man.]

Stop Everything!

jessica-simpson-farts-us-weekly.jpgJessica Simpson farted. In public. At a business meeting. And it's very big news! I feel bad for Jessica and I know I'm not helping matters by becoming the millionth person to blog about this incident. What can I say? I have no willpower! We'll hear first from Us Weekly, who "broke" the story: 

[Let's end this meeting on a high note! A source tells Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson had a, ahem, windy moment during a business meeting for her denim line in late January. "While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart," says the insider. "Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, 'Jessica!' The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say."

It wasn't Simpson's first brush with public flatulence: She famously cut loose on an episode of Newlyweds, telling then-husband Nick Lachey, "You love my stinky ass," and professed her fondness for between-the-sheets poots (a.k.a. Dutch ovens) to a radio station in 2008.] 

Jesus - TMI! And, in the interest of too much information, let's share more! Here's Michael K. from D-Listed, regarding the emission heard 'round the world: 

[Shut down your computers and pack your things, because nothing can outdo this. Us Weekly won the fight. CNN, HuffPo, TMZ, People, Radar and the rest can all take the day off and try again tomorrow. This is all the news we need to know today. Put your RSS feeds to bed. If Billy Goat Brad shaved off his beard, left St. Angie and ran off to marry Jennifer Aniston in a ceremony officiated by Tiger Woods, it still wouldn't make a bigger story than this. Done and done.]

I think the funniest thing about this whole "story" is the fact that the phrase "Dutch ovens" appeared in Us Weekly. This really makes Jessica's chili cook-off performance all the more poignant. Ah, Jess! First a brief fling with Billy Corgan and now this "trumpeting" news. Let's aim for a little good press, shall we?

[Photo Credit: Image from Us Weekly, via D-Listed]

Bennifer 2.0 Vs. Brangelina

ben-affleck-jennifer-garner-looking-happy.jpgThe Bennifer variety of Affleck and Garner, that is. That thing with Jennifer Lopez is so over, as we all know. It appears that Brangelina are on shaky ground (see post below) - but how about that low-key coupling of another kind? It turns out Ben and Jennifer may be putting on happy faces for the camera. Is any relationship safe these days? Let's hear more from Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

[While Brangelina and their reign as the "perfect couple" seems to be coming to an end, another twosome we've also been known to give a hard time to appear happier than ever...

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were pictured walking together and, get this, smiling for the first time, like, ever. Man, what the hell's up with that? So is Bennifer 2.0 picking up where Brad and Angelina seem to be leaving off? Er, not exactly.

Look, contrary to common belief, we don't root for Hollywood couples to split, especially when kids are involved. But...our sources aren't backing down when they say that Ben and Jen aren't exactly the perfect couple. Don't know anyone who is, though! Either way, they seem to be "working on it," poop peeps close to the sometimes dour-looking duo. Perhaps absence really does make the heart grow fonder?

Affleck was running around Sundance this weekend, but left the douche partying and flirting to the likes of Jon Gosselin. Quite the turnaround from a guy who once liked to drown his problems in beer. Instead, Ben couldn't stop bragging about his family he had waiting for him back home. Fascinating.

However, we must inform: Ben was still getting his party on (nothing exactly like his old ways, mind you), a bit more privately, at the posh celeb hang. Which leaves us even more curious to know which celeb couple you all think has a better chance of making it: Brangelina or Bennifer? Call it a poker game of the heart, if you will. What are the odds, everybody?]

Not exactly bringing the drama Brad and Angelina style - but it's clear that all is not exactly well in Bennifer's world. On one hand, we've got the "proof" of happiness in the public praising of her hubby, via Jen's recent Parade interview. Then we've got the behind-the-scenes stuff with Garner's weight loss (stress?) and Affleck's alleged return to the booze. One thing is for sure - those two have made some of the cutest little girls around. Here's hoping they iron things out - that family is too precious to split up...

[Photo Credit]

Blah, Blah, Blah - Brangelina - Blah, Blah

Brangelina breakup fervor continues to boil at an all-time high. Now Access Hollywood has joined the game! Check it out, via The Soup's blog on E!

[Watch out, Hollywood gossip journalists! Billy Bush is mad again, and he's using his bully pulpit of Access Hollywood to call out all of you low-life, superstar-exploiting bloodsuckers!

And Billy wants to know something! Why can't these thoughtless, celeb-baiting shows stop doing stories on poor Brangelina, who never court attention? And righteous Billy's rant is timed perfectly. Right after his show's five minute segment on...Brangelina.

We're not kidding. And neither is he.]

But wait - there's more! Of course there's more. Despite not courting the media (yeah, right) there's always Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie news to be found. This is also courtesy of E!, via Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

[Sometimes it's the things you can't actually see that explain it all. Rumors have been hotter than ever that the oh-so-adored entity known as Brangelina is no more. However, myriad sources from Camp Brangie say everything's peachy, too fab! But, we have not-exactly-great news on the gorgeous twosome ourselves, sorry.

"Something's up...definitely," 'fesses our insider. Want to hear more? Well, cover your nostrils and proceed... "Brad is looking horrible. Just horrible. He smells more than ever," swears a worried friend. Mon dieu! Why's that? "I'm not sure, exactly, but they are spending more and more time apart," Deep Brange tells us about why friends of the power couple are starting to get quite concerned.

Brad, for instance, was recently without Angelina up in San Francisco, where our Brangie pal insists Mr. P looked, acted and smelled like "a wandering homeless person."  Plus, it doesn't look like the issue of separate locales is going to be reconciled anytime soon, with Angie heading over to Italy to shoot The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Whatever is going on between Angie and Brad is taking a toll on Mr. Pitt, that's for sure. Anybody with any olfactory sense nearby knows that.

And if you don't believe us regarding Brad's increasing disheveled appearances (and moods?), darling, we're gathering photographic evidence; stay tuned for that tragic baby! But come on, ever since going with Jolie, the once impeccably handsome hunk has gone rapidly downhill.

Jeez, wonder whatever could be taking a toll on Brad. Surely it can't have anything to do with A.J. being a Blind Vice Superstar? Sure, probably has something to do with it, but don't think Pitt's perfect, because remember, he's one, too!

Still think we all are stirring the breakup pot? Yeah right. Just wait, you all... Brad and Angelina's fairy-tale ending just ain't gonna happen.]

Yep, there's more to this story than meets the eye. And, if history proves, it will be made public in due time...

Shackin' Up!

Thumbnail image for jude-law-sienna-miller-reunion-hello-cvr.jpgWho didn't think Sienna Miller and Jude Law would move at lightening speed once they gained purchase on familiar terrain? Does anyone else appreciate the irony that Sienna has forgiven Jude for cheating on her five years ago - when she put another woman through much worse, much more recently? I wonder if "reunion time" is going as smoothly at the Getty household. Anyway, the notorious horndogs have indeed reunited - and it's going so well that they've decided to give living together another try. Details, via the Daily Mail

[Sienna Miller has put her London house on the market so she can move in with her former fiance Jude Law. The couple, who got back together just before Christmas, have decided to give their turbulent relationship another go and things seem to be moving fast.

Sienna has barely stepped through the door of the two-bed 'bachelorette pad' in Maida Vale, West London, since she and Jude re-united in New York - where they had been working on Broadway. "Sienna has already moved most of her stuff into Jude's place which is very close by,' the friend says. 'She spends every waking moment with him and that's the real reason why she wants to get rid of the Maida Vale place. They are back on track and living together is the next step. They had an amazing holiday at Christmas and made a decision to commit to one another."

Sienna's family are understandably wary of Jude, 37, after he cheated on her with his children's nanny - forcing her to call off their engagement in 2006. "Jude has vowed that his cheating days are behind him and Sienna has begged her family to give him the benefit of the doubt, even though he let her down last time,' the friend adds. 'She wants them to accept her relationship with Jude but they care for her and don't want her to get hurt. They think Sienna should take things slowly."]

That sure is one talkative, knowledgeable "friend"! I'm glad there's so much concern going 'round for Sienna and her poor, precious heart. I'm sure Rosetta Getty agrees. A little more on Miller's motives, via the hilarious Celebslam

[It's nice to know Sienna can forgive Jude for his past sexual transgressions. The real test will be if she can ever forgive him for Alfie and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Of course, there can only be one reason why Sienna decided to get back together with an ex that cheated on her: love compatibility Sherlock Holmes' $400 million in box office receipts.]

I'm sure you're getting the sense that there's a lot of doubt about these two making it a second time. I think the years since Sienna's first split with Jude have harden her - so maybe she's ready for the reality of Hollywood and life with Law. Time will tell...

[Hello! magazine cover]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

*Miley Cyrus infects a family friend with her stripper-like fashion sense! ~ Evil Beet

*Kevin Federline claims his massive weight gain was due to depression, overeating and lack of exercise. Funny, I thought it was called mooching. ~ Celebitchy

*Nick Cannon "was not prepared for [his wife] Mariah [Carey] to lord" her success in the film Precious over him. Umm, Nick? Let me introduce you to the Butterfly Diva. Perhaps you've heard of her? ~ The National Enquirer

*Brangelina are splitting! Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are reuniting! Angelina Jolie used to wear a vial of blood around her neck! Bitches be crazy. This is all big news - if you haven't been in line at a grocery store over the past five years and have also forgotten how to read. ~ D-Listed

*Brooke Hogan is officially single, y'all! Brooke and her boyfriend (a rapper named Stack$, naturally) have split, but will remain close friends. Sure. In related news, the Center for Disease Control & Prevention has just gone to threat level orange. ~ Life & Style 

*ABC has announced that it will cancel Ugly Betty at the conclusion of this season. Thanks a lot, ABC! How will you account for my empty, soul numbing Wednesday nights now? ~ The Hollywood Reporter

*I'm still on the Ugly Betty tip. That's what she said! Sign this petition if you want to help save the show - and my sanity. Not that they're mutually exclusive or anything.

Damn - Katy Perry's Bitch-Slap!

I never cover American Idol here on PLP - mainly because I never have and never will watch it - but this clip was too good to pass up. Did you guys know that Katy Perry is kind of a bitch? I had my sneaking suspicions, but this pretty much confirmed it. Beautiful, feisty and stacked - some gals have it all! Details, via Us Weekly and What Would Tyler Durden Do?: 

[Katy Perry was one of the guest judges last night on American Idol when they stopped in LA, and you may find this hard to believe but she seemed to be annoyed by Kara DiWhateverhernameis, and even threatened to throw a drink in her face. Rawwrr! This kittens got claws!

[from Us Weekly] But the real zinger came when DioGuardi began belting out Perry's smash hit "I Kissed a Girl." Within seconds, Perry interrupted, "Please stop before I throw my Coke in your face!"

In Katys defense, Kara is annoying. She always has to be the center of attention, the kind of person who tries to kill themselves by holding their breath or calls 911 after eating ice cream too fast.]

Russell Brand has got a live one there! He only thinks he can handle her...

Bitch, Please!

Thumbnail image for Victoria-Beckham-wikipedia.jpgAlright Victoria Beckham, what shenanigans are you trying to pull now? Posh has recently claimed that she and Jennifer Lopez wear the same dress size. The only way that's possible is if Vicky wrapped a J.Lo dress around her frame three times - or found a way to clone herself. One Jennifer might equal two Victorias. Not that Jenny is fat, but girl has curves! She was famous for her booty long before Kim Kardashian butted in on the scene. Pun definitely intended. Anyway, here're details on the ridiculousness via Us Weekly

[They're both multi-tasking moms and wives, fashion icons, and pop music veterans, but Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez share one more thing in common, believe it or not: dress sizes! Although Lopez as is famous for her curves as Beckham is for her rail-thin frame, Beckham tells 10 magazine (via The Cut) that they actually fit into the same dresses.

Discussing her fashion line to the magazine, Beckham, 34, says, "My dresses are for women of all different shapes and sizes. Actually, the one I tried on yesterday was the one Jennifer wore." Posh herself sounds as surprised as anyone, adding, "Who'd have thought I'd be the same size as Jennifer Lopez!" The British star doesn't note what that exact dress size is.

Even with three sons underfoot, Beckham has said frequently that she still hits the gym seven days a week. "I run so quick after a double espresso, my [sneakers] are on fire! They have sparks!" she says.

Ryan Seacrest, who worked alongside Beckham when she was a guest judge on American Idol, observed that she eats "perfectly... [she says], 'I'm getting the steamed this, the steamed that.'"

By contrast, Lopez told Allure magazine recently, "I'm not the monster I used to be in the exercise department...You get past your 20s, you've got kids...you're kind of unmotivated. You want to be healthy and look good, but you want to do the least amount to maintain that."]

Once again, I'm unclear what Victoria's angle is - other than her cheek and collar bones! On the other hand, I'm sure Jennifer is thrilled. She's probably saying, "I told you so" somewhere right now...

[Photo Credit: Shine on, Posh!]

I Hope Taylor Swift Is Well-Versed In Safe Sex

taylor-swift-vma-09-wikipedia.jpgOnly because that's the information any young adult should be armed with as they enter their twenties. Unless you'd like to enjoy an abstinence-only baby like Bristol Palin! Education is so important - and I'm hoping Taylor Swift has her duck in a row on this front. Why all the sudden concern for America's current sweetheart? Rumor has it that Swift has a crush on none other than John Mayer. He's much more than a chronic masturbator, you know! Details, via Lainey Gossip

[Last night John Mayer was in Nashville for the Crossroads taping with Keith Urban. Taylor Swift attended amid speculation that she and Mayer are now dating. My sources tell me she was backstage before the show, totally crushing on him, very "smitten", flirting, like a young girl intoxicated by attraction to an older man, too young to separate artistry from douchery.

On Monday night, Taylor and Mayer went out for dinner with a large group. I'm told this is how she gets around her mom. Momma Swift is a wary parent and some say Taylor arranges their time together in crowds so as not to hear it from her mom later on. There are some rumours that John was seen at her place afterwards. This has not been substantiated.
At the performance however her affection for him was undeniable. She was cheering enthusiastically in the audience, making hand hearts at him constantly, and the buzz among industry insiders and crew is that they're definitely dating. Some have even told me that this is why she called it off with Taylor Lautner. Because while there was no spark with Tom Cruise's mini me, she was compelled to explore the intensity of her feelings for John. 

As you can imagine, for squeaky clean TSwizzle, a hook up with Mayer, currently extolling the virtues of masturbation in the pages of Rolling Stone, is problematic for her image. It remains to be seen then how her team will manage the progression of this relationship. Kanye was nothing. Nothing compared to how this dicksplash could destroy her. Then again, she's young. And it happens. We are/were all due for a transformational devastating affair. At 20, for Taylor, it's only a matter of time. It's just really too bad it could be him. Because on a romantic resume, John Mayer is a straight up smear.]

Well, if nothing else, Taylor will get some great songs out of the experience and John will get another notch on his well-used belt. Click on the Lainey link above for photos of Swift and Mayer from last night's event. They look very chummy...

Adrian Pasdar And A Bleached-Blonde 50-Year Old Have Something In Common

And it's not sexy time! Adrian Pasdar, who costars on Heroes with Hayden Panettiere, was arrested this morning on suspicion of drunk driving. Pasdar, who also has the distinction of being married to Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines, refused a Breathalyzer test. Let's have Michael K. from D-Listed give you the scoop: 

[Adrian Pasdar, who has been killed off a million times on Heroes, was arrested early this morning in Los Angeles after he was caught driving while the sweet nectar ran through his veins.

TMZ reports that cops pulled over Adrian on the 405 freeway after they spotted him swerving between lanes. Adrian was apparently going 90mph at the time. When the cops shuffled up to Adrian's car, they said he smelled like he had just made out with The Hoff.

Adrian, who is married to Natalie of the Dixie Chicks, said no a Breathalyzer test, so the judge set his bail at $15,000.

To be fair, I'd drink too if I worked with Hayden Panatroll for four years straight, but this is why liquor stores were invented. Pick up some take-out-booze and get DRUNK in the comfort of your own La-Z-Boy.]

Why was Adrian out at 3 AM, (allegedly) drunk off his ass? Also, I know people speed down the freeway in L.A. with great regularity - but even those crazies usually tamp it down to one lane. I'd be freaking out if I were Adrian. Natalie is tiny, but she can get her bitch on like a snake. There are a lot of ways to be goddamn stupid in this world - but driving drunk absolutely tops the list. Remember - cabs are a hell of a lot cheaper than an accident, a DUI or taking someone else's life. Seriously.

Matthew McConaughey Says, "Just Keep Living - On My Dime."

matthew-mcconaughey-camila-alves-beach-gear.jpgMatthew McConaughey and his beautiful girlfriend, Camila Alves, are allegedly at a crossroads over money. I'd say they're really at odds because Camila's mother is trying to make her voice heard in their relationship - and that's never a good sign! Camila's momma is encouraging her daughter to get some legal documents from Matthew - needless to say, that's not going down well with the famously laid back actor. Details from the National Enquirer, via Celebitchy

[Camila's mom Multo Abrigado is pushing her unmarried daughter - mother of Matthew's two children - to work out a financial agreement with the big-screen hunk, sources say. But the 40-year-old bachelor is balking, insiders say.

"Camila's mother is very traditional, and she's worried that since they are not married, Matthew could leave her daughter high and dry with two kids if he falls out of love with her," a source divulged. "She's been telling Cam that she needs to force Matthew into a financial agreement, but when Cam brought it up, Matthew exploded. He said, 'I'll always take care of our babies - and you!'"

Brazilian-born Camila, 26, has basically shelved her modeling career since moving in with the movie hunk in 2007. Their son Levi is 18 months old, and she gave birth to daughter Vida on Jan. 3.

And after Matthew shut her down, Cam went crying to her mother, said the source. "Now Multo is pressuring Cam to get Matthew to commit to a legal agreement," the source revealed. "She said, 'He wanted you to carry his babies - he ought to take real responsibility.'"

But the idea of signing a contract with Camila isn't sitting well with Matthew, said the source, although the actor's publicist denies the couple is having a disagreement. The source revealed: "It's caused a rift between them, and Matthew's kind of scratching his head over it. He told me, 'It seems kind of cold, doesn't it?']

I honestly don't believe this is Matthew's attempt to shirk his responsibilities. There are a lot of actors out there who would fall into the category of "Hell no, girl" on the foolish scale - but this isn't the case with McConaughey. For all that can be said about him, I really think he would do right by his kids (and Camila). A weed-smokin', bongo playin', surfer whose personal motto is "just keep livin'" isn't out to screw anyone over - he's just out to have a good time, all the time. And that includes keepin' baby momma's vibes on a happy hum. I'd say the real problem is Camila's mom - that lady needs to butt the hell out and trust her adult daughter's choices. 

[Photo Credit]

Beastly Vanessa Hugdens Will Not Be A Blockbuster

Thumbnail image for vanessa-hudgens-censored-nude-gold-sash.jpgCBS has been expanding their empire from television to film - so far with disastrous results. The first movie out of the gate for CBS was "Extraordinary Measures," featuring Harrison Ford and Brendan Fraser, and it was panned. It looked dreadful indeed. Details on the company's salvaging plan, via the NY Post

[CBS Films claims it's going full steam ahead with its slate of movies despite the disastrous flop of Harrison Ford's "Extraordinary Measures."

A source told Page Six the unit was considering "slashing all marketing and production budgets by 50 percent" after the $31 million Ford flick -- about a father racing against time to cure a rare disease killing his kids -- was panned by the critics and took in a measly $6 million its opening weekend.

The picture flopped despite an extensive marketing campaign across CBS's television shows and billboards. The Post's Lou Lumenick drubbed it as "basically a tear-jerking TV disease-of-the-week flick on the big screen," and the LA Times called it "a film that wouldn't make the Showtime [also owned by CBS] or HBO quality-cut."

The failure of the picture -- the first from CBS Films, which was created a couple of years ago to put the network in the feature business and produce up to six movies a year with budgets of up to $50 million -- has led to doubts among some CBS suits.

One honcho told us, "Unit bosses are saying they are going to have to slash all marketing and production budgets by 50 percent off the back of this failure. Some executives at CBS are saying this seems like more of a vanity project for Les Moonves to turn himself into a movie mogul than a realistic money-making venture."

But a rep for CBS Films said their next three movies "would go out as planned and are currently testing very well with audiences." They are "The Back-Up Plan," a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Lopez, out April 16; "Beastly," a teen drama with Vanessa Hudgens out July 13; and "Faster," an action thriller starring Dwayne Johnson, out Nov. 19.]

OMG - CBS is putting the future of their film company in the hands of Jennifer Lopez, Vanessa Hudgens and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? Seriously? Why not let a bunch of third graders in the door to punch some buttons and see what happens? The freakin' captain of the Titanic had a better plan. Good luck with that...

[Photo Credit: Take a good look at your leading lady, Vanessa Hudgens, CBS. Oh wait, you probably already have.]

When Old People Attack!

cindy-adams-main-wikipedia-by-david-shankbone.jpgMuch has been made of Cindy Adams' recent attack on celebrities (specifically Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt), via her normally staid column - and for good reason. Whatever crawled up her ass came back out in the form of brilliant vitriol. Cindy is a stately 79-years old and she's been at the gossip columnist thing longer than most of our ages combined. Basically she's earned the right to say whatever the hell she wants - and she's taking full advantage. Regardless, it sure has gotten her a hell of a lot of press! Details, via her column in the New York Post entitled "Brangelina Doomed": 

[FOR movieland couples, nothing is ever enough. More photo ops, more nannies, more security, more p.r. people, more homes. To try to seal in their temporary potency while youth slips away, there is the continued need to have more, own more, feel more than anyone else. The only thing they can't acquire more of than anyone else is years. For that, there's drugs. Cocaine lulls them into feeling younger, sexier, less fearful, less worried about the next teenage pretty face crawling up the line.

The Hollywood mantra. First it's, "Who's Angelina Jolie?" Then it's, "Get me Angelina Jolie." Next up, "Find the next Angelina Jolie."

After clawing out of anonymity, these are people who live behind gates, behind dark glasses, behind spokespeople. Behind yes men. With the industry perks -- CDs, DVDs, marketing, product placement, videos, international distribution, percentages, books, documentaries, TV shows -- actors make more than $20 million a picture. With that kind of money, who's going to argue with them? To tell them, no. You can't. You can't do this, can't do that. Even parents keep still. Parents need that income. An assistant can't tell them. An assistant wants the salary and Rolodex and connections and access and castoff clothes or guys or freebie goody-bag gifts. And managers want the commission.

SO maybe you have to be wacked out to be a Hollywood star. Maybe you have to be like Angelina, who has tattoos probably even inside her ovaries, who once kept a vial of then-husband Billy Bob Thornton's blood in a vial around her neck, who doesn't speak to her father, who's reported to frequent a London sex shop. Maybe you have to be like Brad Pitt, who went from splendiferous to always always wearing a dumb baseball cap and looking like Ho Chi Minh with that scraggly beard.

Of course it wouldn't last. Remember those song lyrics, "Too hot not to cool down"? So people -- in the wake of Haiti, unemployment, bank failure, health care, Madoff, Obama, Albany, swine flu, Ahmadinejad, bin Laden, high subway fare, high taxes -- are all asking themselves, is it true? They splitting? Well, put it this way. If not today, wait a few minutes.]

Ah, a woman after my own heart. Click on the NY Post link above for the article in its entirety - it's quite entertaining. Of course there are loads of hypocrisies in the column, but there's also truth. The irony is that we pay people like Angelina and Brad that much money because they distract us from real life. Most of us don't want to think about all the pain and suffering in the world on a daily basis. We'd much rather daydream about when Brad is going to shave that damn goatee or who Angie will lure into her web next. In many ways we should thank Brangelina - and then take a some time to focus on the environment before there's no Earth left in which to follow these mortal gods. 

[Photo Credit]

Hot Sausage - As In Links

sophie-monk-main-wikipedia-peta-ad.jpg*Jared Leto was denied access to a VIP area at a recent Sundance party. He missed hanging out with Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. Dude, the Twilight movies are already cast. ~ Perez Hilton

*Ben Affleck is embarrassed about wife Jennifer Garner's romantic email revelations in a recent interview. That's embarrassing? Two words Ben: Jennifer. Lopez. ~ Celebitchy

*The insanely seductive 2010 Pirelli calendar pictures are now online, featuring Miranda Kerr's bare titties. Link is NSFW, obviously. Then again, you'd probably like some privacy when viewing these photos. ~ Celebslam

*Sophie Monk claims her "camel toe" gets Googled more than she does - which finally puts an end to the theory that even bad press is good press. ~ D-Listed

*Gerard Butler was spotted making out with a street performing violinist at Venice Beach recently. Wait, I didn't know Jennifer Aniston played violin. ~ Evil Beet

*Elin Nordegren has decided to forgive Tiger Woods' numerous transgressions in order to work on their marriage. She also added to their real estate portfolio when she purchased the Brooklyn Bridge. ~ What Would Tyler Durden Do?

[Photo Credit: Now Sophie Monk can be Googled for more than her camel toe! You're welcome.]

Remember When Brendan Fraser Was Sexy?

Kristen Stewart Strips - Robert Pattinson Nowhere In Sight

Kristen Stewart plays a stripper in an upcoming film, Meet The Rileys, and, unlike Twilight, this movie has no Mormon undertones! Oddly enough, James Gandolfini will be the audience to whom Kristen bares her pole position. I'd ask if Twilight costar (and rumored boyfriend) Robert Pattinson is jealous - but I hear he gets shows like this for free all the time. Details, via AZ Central:   

[Kristen Stewart plays a stripper in her new film. The 'Twilight' star portrays a 16-year-old runaway who gets into erotic dancing and occasional prostitution to earn money in the movie - which premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah, on Saturday - and Kristen admits it is a big departure for her. She said: "My character's not sultry, not sexy. She sort of throws herself into all her moves. I tore myself up doing it."

The 19-year-old actress is seen dancing in platform heels, fishnets, a micro-mini skirt and a bra in one scene and the actress was nervous about shooting the sequence with co-star James Gandolfini.

She added: "The first time I put on all the fishnets I was nervous. I really tried to own it though." Kristen trained with a professional stripper for two weeks to prepare for the movie and initially wanted to learn the sexy moves covered up. Speaking to Us Weekly magazine, she said: "I wanted to do it in my clothes. But my trainer was like, 'No, you don't stick to the poll when you do that.' "]

Now that sounds like a good trainer. What who else does she stick to when not wearing clothes? Stewart is actually turning into an actress I want to see - there's no quicker way to my heart than a stoned stripper who digs The Runaways.

[See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.]

Throw Money At The Wall, See What Sticks

posh-becks-in-bed.jpgSay what you will about Victoria Beckham, girl has got it goin' on. I can't think of a single celeb who is more celebrated for her sense of fashion than this woman. Of course, to me, it simply appears that she's got a shit-ton of money - enough to buy whatever designer labels strike her fancy. Should she be lauded for that? Apparently so - Posh has recently been offered a $40 million deal to design a luxury hotel in Dubai, despite having no previous experience. Is her taste that valuable? Details, via I'm Not Obsessed

[WOW! Victoria Beckham has been offered $40 million to design a luxury hotel in Dubai. I can't believe the NUMBER is so high. She has no background in architectural design and I'm not so sure her name is strong enough for people to want to stay in the hotel because she worked on the layout.

The former Spice Girls singer was personally approached by Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum who asked her to lend her talents to the project after meeting Victoria and David when they vacationed in the Gulf last summer.]

Posh was reportedly surprised by the offer - but it is rumored to be a fashion-themed hotel, so it sounds like she's considering it. Of course, one can safely assume we're talking interior design and not structural. I have my doubts about the validity of this story - but it's fun to entertain the notion. In some ways it's not that far-fetched - after all she does get paid to hawk underwear and she has no ass. 

[Photo Credit: A hotel visit of another kind! Victoria, pictured with that ridiculously hot husband or hers, David Beckham.]

Natalie Portman Pirouettes Over Ballerina's Love Life

natalie-portman-main-wikipedia.jpgYep, I can draw some pretty clever analogies. I'll bet you didn't see "pirouette" and "ballerina" coming in the same sentence. Anyway, on to the dirty details - and believe me, there are some. First up, Page Six

[Is Natalie Portman a home wrecker? The notoriously private actress has reportedly been dating Benjamin Millepied, 32, the New York City Ballet dancer who's choreographing her new movie, The Black Swan. "They've been dating since the fall, although she told friends that she hasn't gone public with it because she was waiting to see if things got serious," a source tells Page Six. "But the real reason she was quiet about things is that Ben had a live-in girlfriend of three years when they met. She was a ballerina at the American Ballet Theater. She had been talking about marrying him and was blindsided by the split. She moved out right after New Year's Eve." A spokeswoman for Portman said, "We have no comment about her personal life."]

That definitely sucks for the ballerina. All those years of starving yourself and working your ass off - only to have some actress swoop in and steal your boyfriend the second you turn around. Of course this Ben character was bound to cheat - it's Natalie Fuckin' Portman, for god's sake. Situations like monogamy can get pretty confused when Natalie and Black Swan costar Mila Kunis are making out in front of you! If you think that's a colorful description, check out this opinion piece from D-Listed

[Page Six is accusing the all-knowing, all-perfect Natalie Portman of taking a sledgehammer to a ballet dancer's happy home and snatching him away to hump pesticide-free turnips with her in the garden. Or whatever the hell she's into.

A source is saying that Natalie's vag has been pirouetting on Benjamin Millepied's peen since the fall. Natalie and 32-year-old Benjamin met on the set of The Black Swan. Benjamin, who is a member of New York City Ballet, is one of the movie's choreographers.

I'm giving Natalie too much credit. There's no way her vagina can charm a snake out of its pot by humming "There's a place in France." Only my homewrecky hero Sienna Miller can do that. Natalie didn't wreck any home. Benjamin's life was probably too exciting, so he decided to bore it down a bit by hanging out with that limp rutabaga.]

I'd like to take Natalie to task, but how can I top that spanking?

[Photo Credit: I never got the man-eater vibe from her. How wrong one can be...]

Is It Really That Difficult To Attend The Academy Awards?

Thumbnail image for angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-oscars-2009-wikipedia.jpgIt appears that we, the public, have once again been duped by Brangelina breakup rumors. I was  wildly optimistic that this time might really be the time - but, as things calm down, it seems that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will soldier on. Of course. However, the cages have been rattled - so much so that the duo might deign to walk the red carpet at the Oscars. Brad and Angelina have famously skipped every major awards ceremony leading up to the big industry night - but putting in an appearance at the Academy Awards might help quell the split rumors. Sorry for the torture, guys! Details, via Celebitchy

[While the dust still settles on the swirl of rumors about an impending Brangelina split, many media outlets are doing pieces on the question of "Why now?" As in, "Why did these rumors garner such strength when there have been breakup rumors for more than four years?" One prevailing theory is that it's some kind of "punishment" because Brad and Angelina didn't show up to any of the awards shows, giving lazy entertainment journalists something to write about. Well, that ploy may have worked (I believe it's called "negative reinforcement") because now the rumor going around E! News is that Brad and Angelina will make an appearance at the Oscars, a photo op designed to show how they're just fine. And of course that dialect coach - the one Angelina allegedly had vodka-soaked sex with on black rubber sheets - has come forward with a much less sketchy story about his non-sexual relationship with Angelina. I guess it would be a smart move to go to the Oscars and give people the photo op. I know I will be accused of being a Brangeloonie (and I do like them - her more than him), but I don't think they're having huge problems in their relationship. As CB said yesterday, I wouldn't be surprised if they had the normal problems of any couple, especially a couple with lots of young children. But I think they're very much together, and very much a team - for now and for the foreseeable future (like, the next few years). I was actually thinking about this last night as I was watching E! News, and I actually think Brangelina will last longer then some of the media-designated "solid" couples, like Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck.]

I love how showing up at the Oscars is the cure and not the reward. Even actors of the highest ilk covet the opportunity to attend this event - and yet, allegedly, for these two it's supposed to be some kind of treat for their public. Don't expect anything for your birthday - Brangelina went to the Oscars! It's kind of offending me, for some reason. A reader on Celebitchy made a great observation that I'd like to share:

[Well only time will tell. I must say that I admire their tactic to only attend the most important events; it's the same tactic Marilyn Monroe used at the peak of her fame- she was so rarely seen in public, whenever she showed, people went crazy. and it works for them, as well.]

Classic Hollywood, with a modern twist. It's like a goddamn fairy tale.

[Photo Credit: The couple from the 2009 Oscars, just in case we don't see them for 2010.]

Kim Kardashian Is So A Shade Of Green Right Now

lamar-odom-and-khloe-kardashian-wedding-attire.jpgKim K has a new color in her wardrobe - green. Who would have thought that her younger sis, Khloe Kardashian-Odom, would have lapped her in a year? Khloe's got the marriage, the "career" opportunities and the cash (via her wealthy LA Lakers hubby, a generous pre-nup and an even more generous Lamar, who gifted Khloe with 1/2 of a $4 million mansion). But wait, Khloe can top that too! She and Lamar got to meet President Obama yesterday. What was Kim doing? Probably buffing her nails and Tweeting. Call it triumph of the former fat kid. Details from Us Weekly, via Celebitchy

[Mrs. Kardashian Odom went to Washington -- and shook hands with the leader of the free world. That's right: Khloe Kardashian Odom escorted husband Lamar Odom to the White House on Monday. Odom's Los Angeles Lakers were invited to visit to celebrate their 2009 NBA championship, and Kardashian, 25, went along for the historic day.

"Yay! Heading to DC to meet my baby!!!" Kardashian Tweeted Sunday afternoon. Inside the White House, President Barack Obama posed for a photo with the entire team as Kobe Bryant presented him with an Lakers jersey (labeled "Obama #1).

Obama then moved on to shake hands with seated guests -- including Bryant's wife Vaness Bryant and, Kardashian. The basketball players and their dates then enjoyed a tour of the presidential grounds. The reality star could barely contain her excitement after the big moment. "Such an amazing day!" Khloe Tweeted. "I just meet [sic] Obama with my husband! :)"

Khloe's big sister Kim might have the chance to hang with Obama as well -- if her boyfriend Reggie Bush wins the Super Bowl with the New Orleans Saints, that is.]

I love that Kim's life is contingent on the plans of "her man." What is this - 1950? She might get married - if Reggie wins the Super Bowl. And she might met the President too! A little more, from Celebitchy

[Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian got to go to the White House and meet Pres. Obama. It was all part of Obama's honoring of this year's NBA champs, the LA Lakers. Lamar Odom is a Laker, and many of the men invited their wives or girlfriends to the short ceremony. Pres. Obama not only did a photo-op with the players (having received a Laker Jersey with his name on it), but he also went around shaking the hands of all of the wives and girlfriends. So, basically, Khloe got to meet the president because she got sort of fake married to Lamar Odom. All in all, a good day for Khloe. Lets see how her passive-aggressive sisters try to one-up her. Maybe Kim will begin an affair with Pres Sarkozy?]

The best part will be watching this played out on television. And isn't that the whole damn point for these girls?

[Photo Credit: Click on the Us Weekly and Celebitchy links for photos of this "historic" meeting.]

In Defense Of Nicole Kidman

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for nicole-kidman-wikipedia.jpgThis no sleep thing is getting brutal. Perhaps it's time to rethink this strategy known as "letting the cat snooze with us." It's awesome to be loved unconditionally by a furry thing - but that 8-pound mound has a heating capacity hotter than the sun. She's my own personal global warming. No one likes waking up sweaty and confused because they've been dreaming about a walk in the Sahara. Perhaps this is a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say. It's 8 AM somewhere, and that means I'm already late for work. To make matters worse, I woke up thinking about Nicole Kidman. Why? Frankly, I have no idea. I'm playing the delirium card. One thing is bothering me though. It's this intense backlash towards Nicole for her obvious (albeit alleged) obsession with Botox. The thing is, whether it be vanity or obligation, she's basically doing what has been asked of her. She has an agreement within Hollywood to maintain her looks, virtually at all cost. She'd be slammed if she were doing the bare minimum to keep that famous porcelain skin smooth as silk. She's obviously damned if she do and damned if she don't. Of course, a lot of this criticism coincides with her recent box office failures. You can bet no one would bat an eyelash about her looks either way if she were exceeding her salary to studio profit ratio. See Sandra Bullock. Don't get me wrong - I'm a Sandy lover. She's perky, generous, humble and all-around adorable. But there's no denying that she's a 45-year old woman - one who most likely had some help with that gorgeous face of hers. What I'm saying is: Nicole is not alone. She's not the only actress sneaking in the backdoor of a dermatologist's office. Kidman just happens to be one of the most visible. Meryl Streep has brought it to the public's attention that she doesn't need that toxin to be a lauded silver screen success. It didn't stop Vanity Fair from allegedly taking liberties with a photo or two in that recent cover story. They even own up to how unusual Streep's recent run of success is, in juxtaposition to her age. Just sayin'. Men have it easier, in this case. Guys often look better as they age - especially those blessed with the genetics that allow them to be actors. Wrinkles and gray hair on George Clooney is distinguished and swoon-inducing. The same on a woman? Disaster, in terms of the movie biz. I think all Nicole is guilty of is looking in the mirror and doing something about it, per her chosen career.

Hot Sausage - As In "Links"

tobey-maguire-jennifer-meyer-wikipedia.jpg*Tobey Maguire has a curfew! Albeit a generous one - but still, a curfew. Actually, his wife sounds pretty smart. - Celebslam

*James Marsden and Russell Brand will costar in a movie called I Hop about a slacker who accidentally injures the Easter Bunny. Man, that must have been some good marijuana. - First Showing

*I over-Tweeted about the Golden Globes, but did absolutely nothing for the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards. It's all about balance, people. Thank god for my favorite channel, E! - E! Online

*Nicole Kidman has become a client of Angelina Jolie's manager, reportedly in a bid to save her ailing career. Does that mean she gets a piece of Brad Pitt too? - Agent Bedhead

*I've just now been introduced to the brilliance that is Spring Breakdown - it is girl-powered comedic gold! Like Animal House on steroids, with girls. Ironic? Yes. A "must-see"? Abso-fuckin-lutely. Netflix it today! - IMBd 

[Photo Credit: Tobey Maguire with his wife, Jennifer Meyer. They are so cute together! Take that, Kirsten Dunst.]

Hot Tub Time Machine? Hell, Yes!

This movie trailer is absolutely NSFW, due to language - seriously. It's time for earmuffs, kids! However, do watch this clip as soon as you are able - it's hilarious. I heard about the title of this film awhile ago and thought it was a joke - or possibly a Weird Al Yankovic cover. It's not a dream though, it's the real deal. It's awesome to see one of my favorite actors, John Cusack, in a dirty comedy. It should be a hoot. I'm gonna need a designated driver for this flick - there's no way I can envision seeing this without copious amounts of alcohol. Read details about the movie, courtesy of First Showing, here

Breaking News: Jon Gosselin Is All Class

Thumbnail image for jon-gosselin-text-with-pic.gifJust when you thought Jon Gosselin was gone from the public eye for good, he shows up at the Sundance Film Festival with a child on his arm. Nope, not one of the eight he's responsible for - rather he's toting a token hottie, who is clocking in at approximately 21-years old. As Paris Hilton would say, "That's hot." Also as Paris Hilton would say, "Don't forget the Valtrex!" Details from Us Weekly, via the beloved Evil Beet

[He and Christie were spotted making out Friday at House of Hype party at Cisero. "Tons of PDA, holding hands, kissing," an onlooker tells UsMagazine.com. "They kept walking around, it's not like they tried to be discreet and stay in a corner." And despite Christie's actual age, the law-school student "looked anywhere from 19 to 23," the partygoer says. "Anyone who saw him remarked how inappropriate it was. Gosselin seemed to love the attention." As for Christie, another guest that night says she was "super clingy and got jealous when he talked to other girls." But Gosselin's Sundance stint isn't necessarily all pleasure: another source says he's "taking meetings about walk-on movie roles."]

"Walk-on movie roles"? Funny, I thought the porn industry already had their big meet-n-greet early this month in Vegas. But wait - there's more! Molls at Evil Beet says: 

[This is gnarly. Jon Gosselin and his new girl, Morgan Christie (remember that name because she's had to have sex with Jon Gosselin in order for it to appear on your radar and that's dedication, folks) have been seen sucking face all over Park City this week. And yes, it's as upsetting for everyone there as it is for us at home. I'm still not sure what's in this hook-up for Morgan. She's a young and attractive enough girl that she could probably bag any C or D lister in Park City this week, so why she chose the one with eight kids and no signs of a promising career is beyond me. And get this: 32-year old Jon is staying with 25-year old Morgan this week... at her mom and dad's Park City mansion. What a gross, moochy weirdo. 32-year old fathers of eight who are in the position to take time off of their lives to go to Sundance can put themselves up in a hotel before staying at their new girlfriend's parents home. Show some damn class for once in ya life, Gosselin.]

OMG - her poor parents! Could you imagine how you would feel if your daughter brought home Jon Gosselin? As a date! I don't care how old she is - my kid would be grounded, on the spot. I don't even have children and I'm totally shaken at the thought, so that should tell you something...

[Photo Credit: Click on the Evil Beet and Us Weekly links for the Jon and Morgan Sundance photos. Boy-o must be loving himself some whiskey and beer chasers. Bloated doesn't even begin to describe it.]

Breaking News: Keith Richards Is Sober - And Plans On Staying That Way!

patti-hansen-keith-richards.jpgI don't know why, but this news warms my heart. Keith Richards, once the granddaddy of hard-partying rock stars (literally), has committed to sobriety. That may not sound like much, but it's actually pretty epic on the richter scale of "Things I never thought I'd see in my lifetime." Details, via Celebitchy

[Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles: legendary boozer Keith Richards has given up alcohol after seeing the complete train wreck of a life his band-mate Ronnie Wood has made for himself. Sources say that Richards, who famously was so drunk that he didn't remember composing the guitar lick for the Rolling Stones' signature song "Satisfaction," is now retracting his previous vow to drink until the end of his life, thanks to Ron Wood's non-stop drunken tour of elderly embarrassment that included an affair with a woman young enough to be his grand-daughter. This whole situation with Ron Wood is kind of fascinating to me. It seems like everyone else around him is learning a valuable life lesson. His long-suffering wife, Jo, has learned that her life is much better without him. His now-ex-girlfriend, Katia Ivanova, is learning that she likes being the former girlfriend of "Grandpa Punchy (TM Kaiser)," because it gets her magazine spreads and TV appearances. And Keith Richards has finally woken up to the fact that an old drunk just isn't cool - even if that old drunk is wearing leather pants. This is pretty big news. I mean, we're talking about a guy who allegedly snorted his dad's cremated remains. I guess the next question is: when will Ron Wood himself learn something?] 

The past couple of years have not been kind to Ron Wood, and vice versa, that's for sure. At least someone is learning the hard lessons, even if it's not Ron himself. I remember Keith saying of his wife, Patti Hansen, "I love that bitch." I thought it was the coolest thing ever, and I still do. I hope the delicate system Richards has kept in place for so long isn't disturbed by the lack of alcohol. I say the more Keith, the better.

[Photo Credit: Keith and Patti. That's a love story!]

How Can They Look In The Mirror?

Oprah takes on Bristol Palin, regarding her stance on abstinence, in this priceless clip above. Of course the irony is not lost on any of us, given that Bristol is a teen mom. I don't know what kind of hold (or threats) Sarah presents over Bristol, but it must be near apocalyptic. Bristol comes across as stiff and terrified in this video, that's for sure! I'm so glad Oprah (the queen, bitches) called the Palin's on their bullshit. Someone needs to! Sarah Palin consistently finds ways to bring hypocrisy and irony to greater heights, on an almost daily basis. It's stunning, even by her "standards."

This Speaks For Itself


Thumbnail image for tiger woods and elin.jpgElin Nordegren, the estranged wife of Tiger Woods, was reportedly seen visiting the disgraced golfer while he works through his issues in sex rehab. It's great that he's getting the help he needs - but if I were Elin, I'd think it would be too late. Then again, if I were Elin, I'd be flaunting my ridiculously good looks towards Brad Pitt. I hear he might be single soon. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Currently pro-golfer Tiger Woods is at Gentle Path in Hattiesburg, Mississippi and is undergoing rehabilitation for sex addiction. Woods' wife Elin Nordegren is said to have spent the past several days at the center with Tiger.

Sources say that Elin took a private jet to Mississippi and spent five days participating in Tiger's rehab program. RadarOnline.com is reporting that they both want to save the marriage and that it is not over.

Private security was brought in to keep Nordegren out of the public eye.  Elin returned to Orlando on Sunday. While she was away, her twin sister Josefin and a nanny took care of the couple's children Sam and Charlie.]

Meanwhile, details have been released as to how the scandal first broke after that fateful Thanksgiving evening. Here's a peek, courtesy of The Daily Mail

[Tiger Woods let his wife talk to his alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel on the phone in a bid to convince her she was just a friend, it has been claimed. 'Tiger convinced Uchitel to talk to Elin. The two women spoke by phone for about half an hour, and after the conversation, according to this source, she was satisfied that the relationship was platonic.

'After Woods fell asleep, Elin looked through his cellphone, both sources confirmed. 'There she found text messages to Uchitel's number. Among them she discovered one that said: "You are the only one I've loved."' Posner claims Nordegren began to text Uchitel pretending to be Woods. Elin wrote, "I miss you" and asked, "When are we seeing each other again?",' he said. 'Uchitel texted back, seemingly surprised that Woods was awake.

'Elin specifically felt, one source told me, that this response indicated that the two of them spoke earlier that night. At that point, Elin called Uchitel, who answered thinking it was Tiger calling. Uchitel's surprised reply, according to what Elin told one source, was "Oh f**k". 'She immediately hung up.'

Posner, who appeared on America's The Today Show to talk about his report, claims to have spoken to friends of Woods' wife - the mother of his two children who he married in 2004.

It follows reports that Woods, 34, had an 18-month fling with a British mother-of-two, 42-year-old Emma Rotherham - who was allegedly paid more than £300,000 to keep quiet about the affair. She is the 19th woman he has been linked to.

Woods is said to have lost around £600,000 a day since the scandal broke as the world's richest sportsman has lost out on sponsorship, winnings and appearance pay.]

Perhaps Tiger's sex addiction can be cured - but what about his preference for layering his lies? It's gone so far beyond the amount of mistresses that have come forward - it's more about the amount of energy it took to have that many balls in the air, so to speak. My advice to Elin? Move on!

[Photo Credit]

I Was Robbed!

Thumbnail image for brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-the-end-star-mag-cvr.jpgOf sleep, that is. Waking up at four in the morning and failing to fall back into slumber has me feeling spun. My cat constantly pulls the covers off me, which reminds me of my own birth. The top half of my body is hanging out, crying that it's cold. The other half is warm and just wants to stay in. I'm giving you the background to explain my state of mind. Let's pick up where we left off on Friday - with Brangelina. Rumor has it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially breaking up. For real, this time. Perhaps it's the insanity borne from my lack of sleep, but I actually believe this is true. The reason? Bitten & Bound has reported that Brad and Angie's reps have declined to comment on the Daily Mail story - which seems odd for the normally on-the-ball team. This also reignites my interest in why the couple decided not to attend the recent Golden Globe Awards. Too much tension to face the public? Maybe so. Of course the hottest news is the fact that Brad and ex-wife Jennifer Aniston were at the telethon to help Haiti. This marks the first time the two have been in the same place, at the same time, without Angelina's supervision. Interesting! Details, via The Daily Mail

[Jolie says he's 'boring and toxic'. Brad says she needs to see a shrink. Now, as the world's most famous couple divide up six children and nine houses, the REAL question is: Will he go back to his ex?

Gone 10pm in the award-winning Alto restaurant in Midtown Manhattan, and the world's most famous showbusiness couple have already been there for four hours. They've sunk five bottles of wine (two red, two white and an Italian dessert wine) and eaten a four-course dinner, while the friends they were discussing charity work with have long gone.

Now, as fellow diners including actor Alec Baldwin look on, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are struggling to keep their emotions in check. He looks close to tears as he tells the mother of their children that she needs to get psychiatric help or he will leave her. She hisses back to Brad that she's bored with him, she considers him 'toxic' and wants him out of her life.

It is said to be this dinner, earlier this month, that finally sealed the fate of the Brangelina story which has fascinated the world ever since Brad left Jennifer Aniston six years ago to be with Angelina, his co-star in Mr And Mrs Smith, the film he was working on.

When the pair left the restaurant an hour later, Angelina looked grim and determined. Brad wore an expression of deep concern as they stepped into their large people-carrier. Were their strained looks an indication of what was going through their minds? For it was reported yesterday that a few days later the pair walked into a Beverly Hills lawyer's office to finalise the terms of their split. Although they never married, they have six children, a £205 million fortune, and several homes between them.

Compared to their years of rows with differing opinions on everything from how to bring up their children to art and world poverty, their meeting at the lawyer appears to have gone smoothly. They will have joint custody of the children, who will live with Angelina.]

Large people carrier? God, the Brits are awesome! I want an accent and new terms for everyday things. Sigh. Anyway, I would highly recommend checking out the Daily Mail's Brangelina split story in it's entirety - it's chockfull of interesting tidbits! I might be delirious, but I think this might be it. Finally, the demise of the most famously annoying relationship in the world. I feel like it's my birthday, six months early...

[Star Magazine Cover: Can I get a witness?]

Angelina Jolie Is Jealous Of New Orleans

Thumbnail image for angelina-jolie-looking-severe.jpgLet's wrap up the week with more bitter, jealous rage - courtesy of Angelina Jolie. I'm sure you're aware of Brad Pitt's completely awesome project - the one where he's helping rebuild an amazing city that our own government basically left for dead after Hurricane Katrina. Apparently Angie doesn't like any competition on the saintly front - she allegedly hates New Orleans! Say it isn't so. Details, via Us Weekly

[The Big Easy is nothing but a big headache for Angelina Jolie. She and her partner, Brad Pitt, purchased a home in New Orleans in 2007 -- but an insider tells Us Weekly that an irked Jolie "calls it 'his house.'"

It seems that the resilient Louisiana city isn't Jolie's cup of tea, and it threatens to drive a wedge between her and Pitt, 46. "Brad loves spending time in New Orleans, but Angie doesn't," the source divulges in the new issue of Us Weekly. "They fight because of it...she keeps yelling at him that she hates New Orleans and never wants to go back."

Friends say Pitt is devoted to the Mardi Gras burg because it allows him to indulge in his passions for architecture and environmentalism (he established a foundation to build 150 "green" homes in the wake of Hurricane Katrina). If the actor had his way, he'd love settle down in the southern town with Jolie and their six kids.

But Jolie "gets really bored" there, and would prefer staying at Chateau Miraval, their 1000-acre, $70 million estate in Provence, France -- and continue traveling the world. Yet Pitt has lost the globetrotting bug. "He's tired of it!" the source says.]

So, in this analogy, "New Orleans" is "Jennifer Aniston" and "Chateau Miraval" is "Angelina - the sexy siren." I think it's safe to assume, based on this unscientific study, that Brangelina are fighting about Jen again. Brad longs to stay in New Orleans (i.e. Aniston) where he can live in comfort, without being bossed around the globe (i.e. Jolie). Meanwhile, one thing Angelina doesn't hate are orphans - specifically the ones in Haiti. Brad can keep Nola - Angie is ready to take on the world! Speaking of do-gooders and telethons, don't forget to check out George Clooney's fundraiser for Haiti this evening - for real. 

Please note: Panty Line Press is currently posting Mondays thru Fridays. I look forward to seeing you back here on Monday, January 25th. Follow me on Twitter and/or Facebook if you can't live without me - and have a great weekend! xo

[Photo Credit: Angelina says "Grrr!" to you Nola!]

Katherine Heigl's High Praise

Katherine Heigl's adopted bundle of joy, daughter Naleigh, has brought her more than happiness - motherhood has also earned her praise from her coworkers on Grey's Anatomy. Yes, the formerly disliked actress is now being described as "tolerable" on the set of her hit television show. This is progress! Details, via Celebitchy

[It took a small, innocent baby to tame the wild beast known only as "Dame Heigl". This is according to Betty Confidential's sources, who claim that since Heigl adopted her beautiful little daughter Naleigh and brought her home from Sourth Korea, Dame Heigl has been almost professional and nice! While coworkers previously described Heigl as "unprofessional" or "diva" or "unfortunate" or "Jesus, shut up, bitch," now Heigl is being described in glowing terms as "tolerable". Chuckle. That one is still cracking me up. My God, her co-workers must hate her, if there's this huge story about how Dame Heigl has changed so much and now, at long last, she's "tolerable." 

I think it's perfectly possible and probable that Katherine is toning it down, maturing, and learning how to be more professional and classy. Is it because she's a mom now? Could be. It could also be that she finally got into her head that her big diva mouth was destroying her career. You know what I've noticed, though? Since adopting Naleigh, Katherine has barely talked to the media one way or the other, letting her charity do most of the talking on her behalf. She's also been MIA for any kind of promotional duties for Grey's Anatomy. Interesting... could it be that there's another Dame Heigl moment coming, just waiting until she gets in front of a journalist?]

Click here for the Betty Confidential article that Celebitchy refers to in her awesome opinion piece. The real victim is in all of this - aside from Katherine's husband, who was crazy enough to marry her - is me. At least her coworkers are paid to deal with Heigl's bullshit. I didn't see a cent from being trapped on a turbulent international flight where I was forced to watch 27 Dresses three times. 

Shauna Sand Already Has Mother's Day Owned

shauna-sand-w-her-daughter.jpgAll you conservative souls who are waiting until May to celebrate your mother might as well forget it - Shauna Sand already has the "Mother of the Year" title in the bag. No one else should even bother. This is a fresh start after all - her alleged sex tape is so 2009. By the way, Shauna has not one, not two but three daughters (with the brilliant Lorenzo Lamas)! Either these poor little girls will follow in their mother's footsteps (which does look challenging - lucite can be very slippery), or they will rebel by turning into the frumpiest bitches around. Details on her awesome interpretation of motherhood from Paper magazine, via Celebslam

[Paper magazine: Do you have any tips for walking in stilettos?

Shauna: I've been walking in them for so long. I was a ballerina, so my balance is amazing and I'm used to being on my toes in point shoes. But I also think my stilettos are quite deceiving because they're so comfortable. I have three daughters, who are almost nine, 10 and 12 and even when my kids were like, two, they were able to walk in the stilettos. They're really not that high because they have a platform so once you get used to them, they're so easy to walk in. [Wearing stilettos] is like exercising without exercising. When you wear them, you're actually working your legs and your butt and you can get beautiful muscle definition.]

Seeing this photo brings me back to my childhood. My mom used to dress like this, except her outfit was made of macrame. We'd go to the grocery store together and I'd get to pick out whatever I wanted - and then strange men would offer to pay for our entire cart of food! Then they would follow us home, where mommy and her new friend would have "nap time." Oh, wait - I'm still thinking of Shauna. Oops. 

[Photo Credit]

Do Tara Reid And Her Fiance Share An Esthetician?

Tara Reid and her American pie are finally going to walk down the aisle! Tara, who most notably was engaged to Carson Daly, will be getting married to "Internet enterpenuer" Michael Axtmann this summer. How does one obtain the title of "Internet entrepenuer," if I may be so bold to ask? I guess I qualify, since I own this website - though something tells me Tara's beau might be of a different ilk. Anyway, on to the important stuff! Details of the engagement, via Bitten & Bound

[Actress Tara Reid and her German boyfriend Michael Axtmann have announced they are engaged. The internet entrepeneur proposed to Reid on Monday night while they were enjoying dinner at L.A. eatery The Little Door. They are planning a small summer wedding with family and friends.

Reid revealed several years ago that she had suffered permanent disfigurement from a  botched plastic surgery. She has since had additional surgery to correct the issues. The 34-year-old "American Pie" actress appears on the cover and in the pages of Playboy's January-February 2010 issue. Initially it was reported that Reid would appear nude, but it has since been reported that she appears topless.]

I don't know the how, when or where of Tara and Michael's meeting or subsequent romance - though I think it's safe to assume that tequila was somehow involved. I had totally forgotten that Tara briefly dated Tom Brady! Damn - that dude knows how to upgrade. Congrats to Tara and Michael. Let's hoist a margarita and cheer the couple's next 12 to 15 months of wedded bliss. Don't chide me on the timeline - I'm feeling generous. Click here for the Bitten & Bound gallery of Reid and Axtmann photos, featuring their waxed eyebrows. 

A Hot Hookup For Kate Hudson And Gerard Butler?

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Kate-Hudson-wikipedia.jpggerard-butler-main-wikipedia.jpgNothing, and I mean nothing, surprises me when it comes to hearing about Kate Hudson and men. And, to be fair, nothing surprises me about a horny Gerard Butler either! Gerard seems like a good-natured bloke, constantly on the make - and Kate is the female equivalent. Perhaps these two are perfect for each other! Details, via Jam! Showbiz

[A romance is brewing between Kate Hudson and Gerard Butler after the pair partied together at last week's Golden Globe Awards - according to U.S. tabloid reports. Sources claim Butler - who has been linked to Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay Lohan - set his sights on single Hudson, and wouldn't leave the pre-ceremony bash until he had secured her number. An onlooker tells Us Weekly magazine, "Gerard told Kate she was the most beautiful girl in the room and that he adores her work. "He was really locked in on her."]

Kate was allegedly seen touting photos of a new unnamed beau recently - though we all know that ain't built to last. She likes 'em famous for the long-ish flings. Given that the cuddling with Jennifer Aniston is most likely a convenient publicity stunt, Gerard is free to pursue whomever he wishes. Of course, if Hudson and Butler do hookup, the headlines will scream about poor, scorned Jen - but that won't stop Kate or Gerard from diving in headfirst! 

[Photo Credit: Kate Hudson] [Photo Credit: Gerard Butler]

I Don't Miss Dating

Video mildly NSFW, if the words/phrase "boner" and "erection" and "poking her with it" are problems at your place of employment. If not, perhaps you work for Vivid. I jest! One thing I'm not kidding about is my undying love for my fiance. Please, don't send me out there again. Details on the above clip, courtesy of E!'s The Soup

[Bone of Contention. Life is hard on The Real World: Washington, D.C. Especially for Andrew, who can't get Callie to give him the action he so desperately craves, despite an entire night of sharing a bed. Gee, this show really is like the real world.]

Yep, the more things change the more they stay the same! I can't believe Callie passed up on this hot action - that sounds like a romance-fueled evening.

Jennifer Garner Steals Sex With Ben Affleck

jennifer-garner-parade-mag-cvr.jpgJennifer Garner has an upcoming film to promote, along with half of Hollywood, for Valentine's Day. And you know what that means - it's time for the requisite over-sharing for the purpose of press. I told you that Jennifer Aniston wasn't alone in this ploy! It turns out Garner and her husband, Ben Affleck, are wildly happy - despite the fact that Jen spends most of her time looking like a haggard housewife who sucks on lemons for fun. Details from Parade Magazine, via Us Weekly

[Sure, she juggles a career and two daughters (Violet, 4, and Seraphina, 1), but Jen Garner says she still manages to keep the sparks alive with husband of four years, Ben Affleck.

"You steal the time. You steal a date, you steal a kiss, you steal a whisper. You sit next to each other on the couch with computers on your laps. After the kids are asleep you...well, you know," the Valentine's Day star, 37, tells Parade. "Whatever it is. You slip away for a night, which we've only just now done for the first time. Of course, I call home while we're away. Ben would be surprised if I didn't."

She began dating Affleck, 37, after her 2003 split from actor Scott Foley. "Well, it helped that we were both single at the time," she says of falling for Affleck, her costar in the 2003 comic-book movie Daredevil. "He's a very good writer." Asked if he wooed her with letters, she says, "Don't make assumptions. I didn't say that! Okay...e-mail. He's a very persuasive writer."

She describes her husband as "sexy and kind, but he's also a riot. We can be very goofy together." He's also a family man: She says he didn't have to work hard to win over Garner's mom and sisters. "He doesn't have trouble wiggling his way in anywhere," she says. "Ben is charm personified when he wants to be. He's not easily threatened or made uncomfortable--he's very secure in that way. Maybe he just knows I'm nuts about him, and he doesn't have anything to worry about."]

She maybe crazy for him, but is he as crazy for her? Ben seemed delighted to be in the company of Blake Lively filming The Town in the fall of 2009. Two things are for sure: Jen and Ben make cute kids. Ben is way better off with Garner than a Jennifer of a different name - i.e. Ms Lopez!

[Parade Magazine Cover]

I Told You Doug Was Rat!

paris-hilton-in-vegas-w-a-rat-twitpic.jpgThis is the tag from Paris Hilton's Twitpic (an appropriate name for the application, in this case) - "Me and baby in Vegas." So, of course, I opened the Twitter link expecting to see Paris and her boyfriend, Doug "The Douche" Reinhardt, guzzling champagne in Sin City. Instead I was greeted with the image you see on the left. It's official - Paris has used her powers for evil and turned Doug into a pocket-sized pet who now has to compete with a team of chihuahuas. 

[Photo Credit: What is god's name is Paris doing with a mouse/gerbil/hamster - whatever that poor thing is - while hanging in a Vegas strip mall? Seriously.]

Who Doesn't Do This?

It's no secret that I'm a fan of Jennifer Aniston, so I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I think she's getting an unfair shake after her appearance at the Golden Globes. She's been criticized for everything from her fat arms to her "copy-cat" Angelina Jolie dress. Believe me, showing some thigh has been around long before Angelina - or Jen! In fact, so has cozying up to a costar for press. So why is Jen taking all the heat? Details, via PopSugar

[Jennifer Aniston had all eyes on her sexy dress - and high slit - at Sunday's Golden Globe Awards, but the chatter hasn't all been positive. The NY Times found a way to criticize her amazing body while CNN's Showbiz Tonight aired a nine-minute long segment about the standard ways she attracts attention around the release of a movie - racy photo shoot, perfectly timed romance rumors and Brad Pitt talk. It's no big secret how much we love Jennifer Aniston, but it seems like there are some who think that her flirty relationship with Gerard and their upcoming racy W spread are too attention-seeking. So what do you think - is there reason for Jennifer Aniston backlash?]

It's not like Aniston's nemesis, Jolie, is above distracting the press with cleverly timed adoptions and "leaked" photos of buying her children toys. Sure, I think the sudden cuddle-fest between Jen and Bounty Hunter costar Gerard Butler is amped up for the means of promotion. But who cares? This is a game that all mainstream celebrities play - it's not the sole playing field of Jen vs. Angie. If you're going to take Aniston to task, you'd be better be prepared to take on all of Hollywood. It's her job to get butts in seats at the theater - and frankly, from what I've seen of the Bounty Hunter so far, she's gonna need all the help she can get. Meanwhile it appears, despite my missive, that Jen will never be off the hook. Details from The Onion A.V. Club

[Can you believe it's been five years since Brad? People magazine obviously can't. That's why they're throwing Jennifer Aniston a special 5-year pity-party anniversary--and we're all invited. Five years of documenting Jennifer Aniston's obvious, constant sadness. Five years of wondering how Jennifer Aniston manages to contain the rivers of swirling envy that are now her core. Time really does fly when you're imagining the cold, lonely desolation that is Jennifer Aniston's certain, unchangeable destiny. Why, it seems like only yesterday that Jennifer Aniston was transformed into a beige pillar of tears right before our eyes. Thank you, People, for this reminder that no matter what Jennifer Aniston does, no matter how beige she gets, we will always think of her in terms of that terrible event known as Brad.]

I vote that we torture Kate Moss with equal voracity. She lost Johnny Depp, after all - and if that isn't pitiful, I don't what is. Equal treatment (and by treatment, I mean judgement) for all celebs, starting now. Aniston needs a new PR team, by the way. Isn't she paying people to spin things in her favor?

How It Didn't Go Down...

Let's bid adieu to Conan O'Brien, for now. Details of his settlement with NBC, via What Would Tyler Durden Do

[Just seven months after he took the job as host of the Tonight Show, Conan O'Brien and NBC agreed early this morning on a buy-out for the remainder of his contract, which will allow NBC to replace Conan with Jay Leno. And to make sure they pissed away as much money as possible, NBC caved on the "mitigation" clause. If that were still in place, and Conan had signed a deal with Fox paying him 25M a year for example, then NBC would only have been responsible for 7 of the 32M. Now he gets 32 no matter what.

So, to recap, Conan hosted a very successful and popular talk show on NBC for 16 years, but then his show moved 60 minutes earlier and NBC decided he forgot how to host a talk show. Then they freaked the fuck out and panicked like some kind of woman. By some accounts this will cost NBC $250 million, partially because of lost ad revenue but mostly between moving Conan, firing Conan, hiring Jimmy Fallon, and creating a show for Leno. It's fiscal leadership like this that took NBC from a $1.8 billion profit 8 years ago to a $600 million loss this year. Horny 16-year-olds think about the consequences of their actions better than this. You could take Steve Jobs, chase him with a bear, and he still would have figured this all out better than NBC did.]

I don't know what magic voodoo Jay Leno and his people used on NBC - but I'm confident that they'll eventually wake up and regret it. There's no way they'll recoup from this "investment" - especially after the cascade of negative press. I'd be worried about ultimately being blamed for all of this if I were Jay. Someone is going to be the scapegoat when NBC fails to secure the numbers they're aiming for...

J.Lo Attempts To Transition

Jennifer Lopez is definitely not on my favorites list - but no one can deny that she's a hard-working, determined bitch. Lately it seems like we've been inundated with J.Lo press and it's been somewhat confusing. It smacks of the hardcore push from when she was super hot - except it's happening again now, which makes it stand out more as a curiousity. We all know Jenny must be frantic about her age - and, although she is a master of invention, she's no Madonna (famed for her reinvention). The first clue that Jennifer is searching for a new job to take her to the next, next level? Her recent appearance on Lopez Tonight, where she took the stage with a solo monologue. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Jennifer Lopez was a guest of George Lopez on Monday night. She did a five minute stand-up monologue on Lopez Tonight, and managed a few zingers before the late night host took back his stage. J-Lo started with, "Welcome to Lopez Tonight, where nobody gets fired - they just get replaced with a bigger star with the same last name." She went on to bash FOX News and Sarah Palin, calling the former governor "la cabrona", Spanish for bi*ch.]

It's clear that J.Lo is pushing to stay relevant, but is she trying too hard? More details, via Celebitchy

[Here is Jennifer Lopez, who was attending a book party for About Face written by one of her makeup artists, Scott Barnes. Jennifer is also the cover model for the book, and she wrote the forward. Fancy! When I saw these photos, my first thought was "Jennifer looks pretty good, mother of God is that a miniskirt?" My second thought was "Tan lines, diva!" And now all I can see are the tan lines on Jennifer's chest. Perhaps she should have gotten a makeup artist to blend in the skin tone a little? Rookie mistake, diva.

But beyond the tan line quibble, I do think Jennifer looks good. Since everyone seems to be on a "Fabulous at 40" kick this week, I'll say that Jennifer's body is still kickin' and that she's rocking that miniskirt. Should miniskirts be left to younger girls? Well, personally, I don't care for miniskirts on anyone (I'm always afraid of a vadge attack), but I think miniskirts should just be left to those with the legs to pull it off, and Jennifer fits that bill.

By the way, does anyone think Jennifer is Botoxing? I didn't think so in some of the other photos of Jennifer we've had the past few months, but she's looking particularly waxy and a touch frozen in some of these photos. Maybe she's just trying to remember how to make her "DIVA" face.]

Jennifer is a curious case. She's simultaneously full of herself, demanding accolades (she believes she got passed over for an Oscar), yet she ironically comes across as insecure. After all these years, she still throwing seeds into the wind, seeing what will take. 

This Is Not A Good Thing

Martha Stewart, dancing and actually moving her hips. I think I've just gone blind. Details, via the lovely Evil Beet

[Yesterday Martha Stewart had a pole dancing instructor on her show and now, of course, there are clips of it everywhere on the Internet. No, she doesn't freak it or anything, but you will definitely raise an eyebrow when you watch this. Martha knows what she's doing. She's done this before. And isn't that what we love about Martha? She knows she's kind of like a robot, she knows she's on the frosty side, but she also knows when she's being funny. When she says "She got me on the pole!", it sounds more like she's mocking them. There's a undertone of "You bitches think I'm doing this for you, don't you?" there, for sure. And then she lifts up her leg. Love Martha. She's gangster for days.]

A Christmas tree, filled with handmade birdhouses? Yes, Ms. Stewart. A spandex clad Martha dancing? No. Not a good thing. Definitely not a good thing. Although she could probably teach Courtney Love a thing or two...

Ah, My Questions Have Been Answered!

scarlett-johansson-main-face-wikipedia.jpgI was just wondering when, where and how one could see Scarlett Johansson - and next thing ya know, I stumbled across the following! Details, via Hollywood Life

[You have just two days left to bid on ebay for four tickets to meet Scarlett Johansson this Sunday, Jan. 24, in New York City at the opening night of her new Broadway play, A View from the Bridge at New York City's Cort Theatre.  If you have the top bid, you and three friends get to see Scarlett's new play AND hang out with her at the opening day after party, but also help out with Haiti relief efforts because 100% of the money raised from this auction will go to the Oxfam Haiti Fund. What could be better? This is a chance to party with one of your favorite starlets and do something good at the same time! To bid on ebay's Scarlett auction, click here.]

There are a lot of great ways to help the people of Haiti in their time of need. This meet-&-greet is personally out of my range, so I'll be sticking to the Johansson red carpet rack-watch. But seriously, there are tons of affordable options. Not all of them involve meeting a celebrity - but all donations do include helping real people. And that's what really matters! Donate today, if you're at all able to. 

Seriously, What Is Orlando Bloom Waiting For?

Miranda_Kerr_Naked_In_GQ_Photos-500x345.jpgApparently Orlando Bloom has higher standards than we can even imagine. The rumor that he's proposed to girlfriend (and Victoria's Secret model) Miranda Kerr appear to be only that - rumor. I've said it before and I'll say it again - what in the hell is he waiting for? I mean, I realize that he is Orlando Bloom and he's got his own thing going on. But seriously, look at her! Details, via Gone Hollywood and GQ Magazine

[It's been less than a whole month since we had the last topless photo of Miranda Kerr, but guess what she is back again in all of her glory. This time one of the hottest models in the world is stripping down naked for the February issue of GQ Magazine, out in 6 days.

GQ's Fashion Director, Madeline Weeks, says that "She showed up to the shoot with her Blackberry and her Yorkie, No qualms about being naked. Her body is flawless. I wouldn't mess with Miranda Kerr."

Miranda Kerr's body is flawless and she likes to get naked. Just my type of woman.]

I realize we've heard conflicting reports on whether these two are actually getting hitched or not. Who knows? She could be hot, but totally annoying. However, with an ass like that, does it really matter? Yep, you heard it here first - Jenna Zine, feminist. 

[Photo Credit]

Ryan Reynolds Gets "Buried"

This is a preview for Ryan Reynolds' new flick, set to debut at the Sundance Film Festival which kicks off today. Honestly the most exciting thing about this film (for me) is the hope of seeing Ryan working the red carpet - hopefully with his wife in tow. Where the hell has Scarlett Johansson been lately? And more importantly, when are these two finally gonna give up on this whole veil of privacy schtick and allow themselves to be photographed together for our entertainment? I'm not even talking in that way - just strolling down the street hand in hand would be enough for me at this point. Speaking of points, I was trying to make one. Oh! Ryan and his new movie. Sundance. Possible awards and all that jazz. Details, via First Showing

[A U.S. contractor working in Iraq awakes to find he is buried alive inside a coffin. With only a lighter and a cell phone it's a race against time to escape this claustrophobic death trap. Buried is directed by Spanish filmmaker Rodrigo Cortés, of the films 15 Days, The Contestant, and Dirt Devil previously. The screenplay was written by first-time writer Chris Sparling. There is a lot of buzz surrounding this film here at Sundance, mainly because everyone wants to know if Ryan Reynolds can actually pull off acting in a coffin the entire movie. I, for one, can't wait to see it! We'll let you know our thoughts after seeing Buried later this weekend.]

I doubt I'll be seeing this movie, given that I have claustrophobia. An entire film essentially centered around claustrophobia, that also throws in elements of international terrorism and possible death sounds like something I can skip. However, please fill me in if you check it out. I'm used to seeing Ryan in comedic roles and I'm curious how he'll pull of this intense plot. One thing I can promise is to be up-to-date on Scarlett and her breasts. Is she hiding out until closer to the premiere Iron Man 2, or will she help her hubby promote? These are the important questions!

I See Dead People

mischa_barton.jpgGoddamn, dude - Mischa Barton's career is in the crapper. Yes, we all knew that months (if not years) ago - but nothing crystalized it like her recent attempt to guest star on Law & Order: SUV. If there's a way to reach a pinnacle of lows, she's certainly accomplished that with these recent shenanigans. Details from Radar Online, via Celebslam

[Mischa Barton has been filming a guest spot on the hit NBC crime show Law & Order: SVU but she hasn't been winning any friends on set. According to a source, Mischa spent all day Tuesday flubbing her lines and the show only shot one scene the whole day - which turned into a 10 hour day because of Mischa's mistakes.

"She only had seven lines, seven!" the source told RadarOnline.com exclusively about the recently out of rehab actress' problems with her lines. "Each time she would mess up she would forget her lines and Mariska kept prompting her and saying 'it's your line Mischa'."

According to the source, Mariska Hargitay and the cast and crew on set were losing patience with Mischa's "unprofessionalism." To her credit, the actress did apologize, saying "Sorry," each time she missed her lines.]

Remember when she fucked up the ending of The OC? Mischa let it leak that her character was set to die - and she was thrilled because she was on to bigger and better things. I doubt this is what Barton envisioned for her future. Who knew the highlight of her career would be The Sixth Sense

[Photo Credit: Old photo, same fantastic style!]

Speaking Of John Mayer...

Where is John when you need him? This seems right up his alley - so to speak. I'm sure he'd rush to her aid, mirror in hand, for some cosmic comfort. This is the definition of a pro-athlete, by the way. This woman didn't even pause when her pants split - she just kept focused on the task at hand. This is the kind of detirmination I employ when I'm at H&M and there's a sale...

John Mayer And His Big... Mouth

john-mayer-rolling-stone-cvr-topless.jpgJohn Mayer has snagged the recent cover of Rolling Stone magazine - and he certainly doesn't disappoint in the "outrageous quotes" category, per usual. Let's get straight to the details from Rolling Stone, via The Hollywood Gossip

[The dude may be a tool, but at the very least he is an honest tool. He does not hold back, either. In the new issue of Rolling Stone, John opens up about Jennifer Aniston, calling their breakup "one of the worst times of my life."

The douchebag singer confesses: "I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for people I've had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**ing fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But, I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny."

We think that was a compliment to Jen. Either way, we're pleased to report that John has come to grips with being single. And oh, how gripping it can be. "All I want to do now is f**k the girls I've already f**ked," John says, "I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I'm interested, and they're going, 'But you're John Mayer!' So I'm going backwards to move forward."

"I'm too freaked out to meet anyone else." As a resort, John has resorted to self-gratification, and he's a pro, if he doesn't say so himself: "I am the new generation of masturbator. I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I have masturbated myself out of some serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion."]

That's quite a compliment to Jen - in the most backhanded, typical Mayer manner. I don't think John will ever find true love with a woman - he's already found it with himself. Who can break up that relationship? You'd have to physically separate him from his mirror - and it sounds like that would prove to be exceedingly difficult to accomplish. More, via a hilarious piece from The Onion A.V. Club

[In the newest issue of Rolling Stone, human droning fork John Mayer says that he's looking for a girlfriend who is "able to go toe-to-toe with [him] intellectually," amongst other qualities. Unfortunately for Mayer, this is an unachieveable dream, because no one could possibly go toe-to-toe intellectually with him.

Evidence It Is Impossible To Go Toe-To-Toe Intellectually With John Mayer (as outlined in Rolling Stone):

1. John Mayer has a tattoo of the number 77 on his chest. Why? He was born in 1977. Are you clever enough to tattoo the year of your birth on your chest, just in case? Probably not. John Mayer is thinking on the Memento-level.   

2. John Mayer thinks about everything on, like, a cosmic level: "I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the 's' in Dimples was adollar sign. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I've had relationships with. I still feel like I'm with them, in the sense that if I f---ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it's all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?"

Deep, right? John Mayer understands that everything that happens to John Mayer (and anyone associated with John Mayer) happens on a John Mayer continuum--that's how intense John Mayer's thinking about John Mayer is.

3. If you tried to go toe-to-toe intellectually with John Mayer, you'd have to listen to him say shit like this, without ripping your own face off out of sheer annoyance: "What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f---ing fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.'" No one can withstand destiny-speak like that for too long.

4. John Mayer is the king of whip-smart, hilarious word play: "Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!" You'd probably need several motion-sickness patches just to keep up with a wit as quick as his.

5. John Mayer is always looking to free up even more of his already impressive brain capacity: "I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a f-k about it."

I would think about it, John Mayer, but I can't even begin to imagine a space as vast as the brain space John Mayer has devoted to thinking about the perfect life-partner for John Mayer. It's like trying to picture infinity, or measure the size of John Mayer's ego. It just can't be done.] 

Whether Mayer realizes he's the butt of the joke appears to be irrelevant - he loves the attention too much to care where the impetus generates from. In fact, the joke may be on us. 

[Rolling Stone Magazine Cover]

Conan O'Brien Finds A Loophole In His Contract

Not to stay with the network, but to insult NBC itself - which is just as valuable at this point. Another bonus? At least the heat is off Tiger Woods and he can attend rehab in relative peace. I knew there was a bright spot in this mess somewhere! Meanwhile, one of my favorite bands appeared on The Tonight Show with Conan recently - and they killed it. Here's a shout-out to Spoon and their new album Transference. Go buy it, now!

This Will Never Happen

george-clooney-takes-elisabetta-canalis-for-a-ride-morning-links-candace-cameron-olsen-twins-news-9f78c4c25ee1804dfb6b261017255c5d.jpgThere's a quaint little story floating 'round that Elisabetta Canalis has asked to have George Clooney's baby - and that he's actually considering her request. I think this tidbit reeks of more bullshit than the "Angelina had a fling with her dialect coach" rumor that hit the Internet today. George has adamantly claimed he will never marry again - and there are many brokenhearted Clooney exes that know he's dead serious. Why would he agree to give the ultimate jackpot - flesh over a piece of paper - to a woman he's known less than a year? Details from the National Enquirer, via Celebitchy

[Sure, there's a Haiti telethon to host first but then "Gorgeous" George Clooney's ready to become a daddy!

During the holidays, gorgeous model Elisabetta Canalis told George that she wants to get pregnant. Friends of 48-year-old Clooney were shocked when he responded: "Sounds like a plan to me! When do we get started?"

"George has done a complete 180 on starting a family," a close friend told The ENQUIRER. "He's still not a huge fan of the institution of marriage, but Elisabetta has made him rethink having children and settling down. They're both incredibly happy and I certainly could see them having a baby in the next year."

The idea grew out of an offhand remark between the couple during the holidays. "Elisabetta is crazy about George and wanted to make that clear to him," said the source. "So when he asked what she wanted for Christmas, she said, 'Your baby!' She was dead serious. And while George was a little startled, it made him think about how ready he is to be a dad and what a perfect mother Elisabetta would be. And that's when he told her to be careful what she wished for."

George met 31-year-old Elisabetta in Italy last summer, and it wasn't long before he had moved her into his 25-room Italian villa on Lake Como. "At his Christmas bash, they were acting more in love than ever and let out huge smiles when anyone mentioned them having a future together," the source said. "George was quick to retell the story of Elisabetta's Christmas wish for a baby - adding that if she is a really good girl, next Christmas Santa might bring her what she asks for."]

All George would have to do is glance at the sagging visage of Brad Pitt and his baby plans would be kaput. Can we all agree Brad has aged a decade since taking on responsibility for six children? More opinions, courtesy of Celebitchy

[As I mentioned during the post-Golden Globe analysis, I think George Clooney is totally over Elisabetta Canalis. While she definitely looks pretty on his arm, and while she fulfilled her duties as arm candy admirably, I thought I detected a detached, annoyed air around Clooney. Like, maybe his thoughts were on Haiti and the telethon, and maybe he wished, for the first time, he had a girlfriend who was interested in charity work and humanitarianism and anything beyond "being George Clooney's girlfriend" and "acting/modeling". But the reviews from their Globes appearance have much of the same bullsh-t... and now the Enquirer is reporting that Elisabetta is pushing hard for commitment. Not to get married, but to have George's baby! Oh, God. Haha, I wish I could meet Clooney just once just so anytime he offered me anything (like, say, "Would you like a soda?") I could scream, "No, I want your baby!! BAY-BEH!" But the whole "Santa is going to bring Elisabetta a baby" thing is pretty funny too. Who in the world really, honestly, truly believes that Clooney rolls with that kind of inanity? I realize that he's not everyone's favorite person, but George is not, and never will be, the kind of man who utters cheese-tastic lines like "If you're a really good girl, next Christmas Santa might bring you what you ask for." Unless what his girlfriend is asking Santa for is kinky sex.]

Yeah, this is one tabloid-inspired rumor that will never see the light of day. The only bump Elisabetta will see from her belly is if she overindulges in cocktails and salty bar snacks. Trust me, I know this from experience!

[Photo Credit]

Angelina Jolie Is Hot For Teacher!

angelina-jolie-affair-w-teacher-in-touch-cvr.jpgSome things in life are too difficult to resist; my blatant rip-off of a Van Halen song reference for an easy post title being one of them. Another? A hot tryst at a hotel that would have remained a secret - minus an angry ex-maid with an ax to grind. Nope, it's not Jackie Collins story hour - it's another weekly edition of In Touch! Details

[In their four years together, Brad Pitt has become all too familiar with Angelina Jolie's jealous streak. But those fits of jealousy may spring from personal guilt over an affair of her own. As In Touch has learned, it may be Brad -- not Angelina -- who truly has something to be angry about.

In an exclusive interview with In Touch, an ex-employee of the Waldorf-Astoria in New York claims that Angelina has been cheating on Brad -- and details a steamy tryst that could end their troubled relationship for good. Anna Kowalski, a housekeeper who speaks several languages and was often assigned to the hotel's most high-profile guests, worked extensively with the family on their numerous visits to the hotel over the past four years.

Anna tells In Touch the affair took place over the summer when Brad and the kids were at their rented mansion on Long Island, N.Y., and Angelina was staying at the hotel by herself while shooting her movie Salt.

According to Anna, Angelina more than once took visits from a tall, dark-haired man -- who was one of her dialect coaches from the movie. "She would see the tutor while a bodyguard stood entrance at the suite," Anna -- who was fired from the hotel in December because, she claims, she did not get off Brad and Angelina's floor fast enough when security shut it down for a doctor's visit -- tells In Touch.

Anna adds that, after one late-night meeting with the tutor in mid-July, Anna personally saw what looked like evidence of a night of passion. Once she got into the room, Anna shares, she was shocked by what she saw. "The room was a disaster," she explains. "There was water all over the bathroom and empty vodka bottles everywhere. Every towel had been used. And over five dozen cattleya orchids were scattered around the room, and there were the tops of the flowers in the tub, with candles."

Once Anna got into the bedroom, she shares, she got an eyeful. "The bed was covered with black rubber sheets, and there were sex toys on it," she reveals, adding that it left her with little doubt that the actress and the tutor were having an affair.]

While the allegations are most likely false, the story is titillating nonetheless. Frankly, given my personal opinion of Angelina, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that this story held a grain of truth. It's a pretty common tenant of psychology that people tend to blame others for things they themselves are guilty of. Furthermore, I don't think Angie ever lost that crazy, sexual edge she used to flaunt - she's just gotten better at hiding it. She used to meet lovers in hotels - what would stop her from doing the same now? We all know five years can dim the passion of even the hottest love affairs from time to time. I would guess, if there is any truth to this, that Jolie would view it more as an opportunity to take care of her needs versus viewing the fling as an actual full-blown affair. In other news, I should probably focus on my own sex life instead of Angie's! Meanwhile Anna - let's get crackin' with those photos of the torn-up hotel room. You're already in boiling hot kettle of trouble anyway...

[In Touch Weekly Cover]

Miley Cyrus And Her Trailer Park Virginity

I know this isn't breaking news, but VH1 is coming out with a "Behind The Music" style special on virginity. Does anyone remember when VH1 was supposed to be "adult" version of MTV? Now it's a blend of the aforementioned MTV, as well as E! - which means it's one of my favorite cable stations. Anyway, the disturbing purity/abstinence trend is continuing - this time with it's very own "made for television" special! Details, via VH1

[There's a trendy pop culture movement that's burst into the mainstream to take a stand against our hyper-sexed society. It's born out of traditional values and sealed with promise rings, abstinence clubs and purity balls. It stars the likes of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, who've made headlines with their public pronouncements of sexual purity. It's a hip new calling card: virginity. VH1 NEWS PRESENTS: THE NEW VIRGINITY chronicles this recent phenomenon. The special takes us back to classic virginal examples such as Brooke Shields, and Tori Spelling's "Donna Martin" character on Beverly Hills 90210. Then it explores the roots of our current obsession with chastity--the stars who've made their virginity a major part of their public persona. In a world where tweens grow up too fast, a public declaration of chastity until marriage is a statement against the fast and furious life that many young stars succumb to, particularly those in the entertainment industry. But, as the show will point out, virginity doesn't stop celebs from looking and acting provocatively--playing both sides with impressive marketing results. The stars aren't the only ones caught up in virgin-mania. At Purity Balls across America, dads and daughters are living an abstinence fairy tale. And then there's 22-year-old college student Natalie Dylan, who's auctioning off her virginity on the internet -- for a multi-million dollar payday! VH1 goes inside pop culture's virgin obsession in THE NEW VIRGINITY.]

Does anyone else appreciate the irony in the naming of a "Purity Ball"? I think this abstinence trend is really dangerous. I have no objection to teens being counseled to wait on having sex for the purpose of finding a respectful, loving partner. But waiting, period (so to speak)? That is actually an irresponsible decision on the part of the parent. Sex between teens happens - a lot. You can either allow your teenagers to go into that portion of their lives armed with information to make sound choices - or you can pretend your kid is a virgin and possibly enjoy a teen pregnancy. See Bristol Palin. Miley Cyrus can take her hypocrisy and shove it.

He'll Stick His Hand Up A Beaver, But He Will Not Marry One

mel-gibson-oksana-brunette.jpgLike so many men I know! Mel Gibson, he of "Sugar Tits" fame, has no intention of walking down the aisle with mistress turned baby mamma, Oksana Grigorieva. Probably a good thing at the moment given that he's still not officially divorced from his first wife, Robyn. Does that woman deserve a medal for sticking with Mel for so long? Or is she as balls-out nuts as he is? Who cares - I can't fucking stand Mel either way. Anyway here are details on his blazing happiness with Oksana, via Showbiz Spy

[Mel Gibson won't marry Oksana Grigorieva. The Edge of Darkness star -- who is in the process of divorcing wife Robyn -- insists that although he is happy in his relationship with the Russian singer, they have no plans to walk down the aisle because she is so busy with their daughter Lucia, who was born in October.

"Lucia, luckily, looks more like her mother than me and is an angel and the mother, turns out she's a wonderful mother," Gibson told Access Hollywood. "She'd make anyone a wonderful wife, but for the moment, she's a mother."

While Mel -- who has seven children with Robyn -- is full of praise for his family, he admits he hasn't been easy to live with in recent months because quitting smoking turned him into "an axe murderer".]

By the way, where is that Beaver flick? Jenna Jameson, I'm looking to you! Details

[The film, which topped last year's "black list" of awesome-but-unproduced screenplays, is about a man who "wears a beaver puppet on his hand that he treats as a real person. Those familiar with the script have compared it to Lars and the Real Girl and the work of Charlie Kaufman," according to the Hollywood Reporter. Foster is set to direct and co-star as the beaver-handed Gibson's wife.]

Seriously, where is this goddamn movie? The jokes are writing themselves! Get cracking, you crazy kids.

[Photo Credit]

Madonna's Olympic Boff Training

Thumbnail image for madonna-jesus-luz-towel-nude.jpegFifty-one year old Madonna is rumored to be "in training" in order to conceive a baby with twenty-two year old boyfriend, Jesus Luz. Well, there's one part of her body that's stretched and ready to go! Details, via Bri's Cheese & Sleaze

[According to reports, 51-year-old Madonna and her 22-year-old boyfriend, Jesus Luz, are trying to conceive a baby. Although Jesus loves Madonna's kids, he has apparently told the music legend that he has always wanted to have a baby of his own.  Meanwhile, Madonna has "an endless love" in her heart for another child. A source says, "She knows that, at 51, it's going to be harder to conceive naturally. But she is Olympic-athlete fit and is ready for the challenge." Ummm... yeah, look at her boyfriend. I have no doubt she is ready "for the challenge".]

The gold medal goes to Madonna - mainly for her ability to "maintain" her razor sharp cheekbones all whilst snagging a mate young enough to be her son. Via la Madge! Madonna is so competitive and unwilling to admit defeat. I could envision M stuffing her clothes with pillows (ala Katie Holmes) to convince us that she's pregnant, while secretly employing a surrogate. Boom! The miracle of birth. It will be one immaculate conception...

[Photo Credit: Madge is willing to take one for the team.]

Come On Now, Surely She Can Do Better Than This

Britney_Spears_Back_For_Candies_Looks_Awful-519x650.jpgPlease, please tell me this is a joke. The photo included in this post is supposedly the new promo shot for Britney Spears' renewed contract with Candies. I'll just say it, because I'm sure you're thinking it too - she looks drugged. We all know Brit is living a more sedate life now - but that doesn't include being knocked out with an entire bottle of Seconal, does it? Details, via Gone Hollywood

[Yes that image above is what we should apparently be expecting from the new bunch of ads that will be sure to pop up in the coming weeks and yes I believe they are serious.

On renewing her contract, Britney said "I had a great experience working with Candie's and Kohl's last year and I am thrilled to be asked to sign on again for a second year. We're planning some very cool photo shoots and I can't wait for my fans to see them."

I refuse to believe that Annie Leibovitz was the photographer of this campaign, surely she could have come up with better stuff than this?

Britney Spears looks like she has received some terrible news or she is just bored shitless and her hair looks like a birds nest. I actually prefer the extremely photoshopped photos we got in the past for this campaign.]

I'd be surprised to learn that famed photographer Annie Leibovitz shot this campaign. What wouldn't shock me? If we found out that Britney used her Madame Tussauds wax figure as a stand-in. 

[Photo Credit]

Kate Hudson Must Be A Kegel Queen

Thumbnail image for Kate-Hudson-wikipedia.jpgI think the only thing Kate Hudson knows about herself is her name - she's never been alone long enough to learn anything else. Kate, is fresh (and I mean fresh) from a breakup with Alex Rodriguez, yet she's said to already be dating another man. How does she finds these guys? This is an exceptional amount of action - even for someone blonde and famous. Details, via Ted Casablanca's Awful Truth

[Well, that didn't take long! Even though our Hollywood Party Girl spotted Kate Hudson hanging solo with some girlfriends after the Golden Globes Sunday night, it appears Kate has moved on already from her last dubious boyfriend, Alex Rodriguez.

The Nine star and notorious man-eater was spotted enjoying a lengthy breakfast with 90210's Sara Foster and another girlfriend at A Votre Sante in Brentwood over the weekend. She was sharing pictures and stories of her latest conquest...

"He's a photographer," Hudson told her friends as she flipped through pics on her Blackberry. A source tells E! that the ladies looked shocked as Hudson, sporting bright red sunglasses, played show-and-tell. "At one point, they burst out laughing and one said 'Oh my God!'" says our insider at the next table.

Hudson continued to play with her phone throughout the meal, taking pictures of herself and sending them, presumably to her stud of the moment. "She had a flirtatious smile on her face and looked really giddy," dishes our eavesdropping source.

But at one point the mood turned serious as Hudson was overheard saying, "It's too late." Could she possibly have been talking about what went wrong with A-Rod? One friend offered these words of advice: "Don't be nice about it," while Foster chimed in saying, "It's too late to apologize."

The ladies then caught up on Friday night's escapades talking about how they went "all out" and drank a lot of wine. Hudson refueled on a protein shake, a Sante Fe egg white scramble, coffee and shared a plate of soy cheese nachos. As they were finishing up, Hudson told her friends how excited she was to begin filming Earthbound on Monday. The movie is slated for a 2011 release and also stars Kathy Bates and Gael García Bernal. "It's a great cast," Hudson said. "I'm really excited."

Well, we're really excited to see what this man of yours looks like, dollface! Tho we don't expect him to stick around long enough to be making any public appearances with the gorgeous blonde. Either way, we say it's quite refreshing to see a girl player for once, no?]

All I can is, those Kegel exercises must really payoff! I'm all for a girl getting as much action as she (safely) can - but Kate is veering into Jenna Jameson territory. How does she have time for her career, much less raising a child? Actually, we should all be so lucky. I know my boyfriend wouldn't mind if my libido were kicked up a notch. Maybe not a Kate Hudson notch, but a peg or two wouldn't hurt!

[Photo Credit]

This Would Be The Prime Wedding To Crash!

Thumbnail image for kate-moss-with-jamie-hince.jpgJamie Hince, boyfriend to Kate Moss, has a new role - as a fiance! Jamie, of the rock band The Kills, proposed to his girlfriend of three years on her birthday - flying to join her in Mustique with a huge diamond ring in tow. Note to Reggie Bush: this is how you do it. Details, via The Daily Mail

[So far, her love life has brought her mostly heartache and headlines. But Kate Moss may finally be heading for domestic bliss after her boyfriend, Kills guitarist Jamie Hince, proposed. Hince, 40, flew out to meet Miss Moss last week while she was working in Mustique and proposed on Saturday, her 36th birthday, using a diamond ring chosen with the help of her boss and friend, Topshop tycoon Philip Green.

The couple have had a fiery romance since meeting in September 2007, just three months after Miss Moss finished a turbulent two-year relationship with Pete Doherty. They were introduced by mutual friend Sadie Frost backstage at a Kills gig.

Today, the couple flew back to London and seemed very loved up as they kissed while they waited for their luggage before grabbing a coffee and heading to their car. A friend said of the proposal: 'Kate was stunned, Jamie called her up and told her not to come home. He said he was flying out to Mustique.

"He had carefully picked a ring and chose her birthday to propose. It was the first time they had been alone together in quite a while and it was extremely emotional. Kate and Jamie are in a very good place, they already live together and this is the next step to settling down for good."

Despite a string of rows, friends say that Hince has been a stabilising influence for Miss Moss. He is said to get on well with Lila Grace, her eight-year-old daughter by ex-boyfriend Jefferson Hack.

The big love of Miss Moss's life is still said to be actor Johnny Depp, with whom she split in 1998 following a four-year romance. Depp, who has two children with partner Vanessa Paradis, is later alleged to have said: "I don't think I was very good for her. So what we did was right - we walked away from each other."]

Yeah, I suspect there's no getting over Johnny Depp! Kate's not exactly high on my list of suspects as a contender for a stable relationship. However, I may be willing to smash my piggy-bank and fly to London for this event. Kate is known the be a premiere party gal with a massive penchant for champagne. The booze selection and celebrity action at this bash are going to be insane! 

[Photo Credit]

The New York Times Is Insane

jennifer-aniston-golden-globes-dress.jpgHas the New York Times really stooped as low as to discuss the body mass index of female celebrities? Furthermore, has the stalwart paper even gotten it's facts wrong? It appears so! Details, via The Huffington Post

[The NYT fashion blog 'The Moment' has published a curious commentary about 'weight gain' among actresses at Sunday's Golden Globes ceremony. And no, they're not talking about actual full-figured women up for awards this year, like Gabourey Sidibe or Mo'Nique. In the piece, called 'Now Scrutinizing: A Rounder Golden Globes,' Andy Port (a woman) asks, misspelling Courteney's name in the process, "What do Jennifer Aniston, Kate Hudson and Courtney Cox have in common?" The answer is not any of the obvious flattering observations.

From the NYT: Maybe it's just me, but I could have sworn that some of the ladies who showed up at the Golden Globes on Sunday had put on a little weight. It's almost criminal to name names, because the very actresses whose body-mass indexes have been the subject of endless tabloid speculation are the very ones now sporting sexier curves. You could definitely see the difference if you concentrated solely on the upper arms.]

There were a lot of things I concentrated on while watching the Golden Globes: the incredible dresses, the insane action on the red carpet, the flow of champagne to my glass and the hilarious acceptance speeches. The new layer of "fat" on Jennifer, Courteney or Kate's arms was not on my list. Apparently NYT writer Andy Port has some kind of superhero x-ray vision. Then again, critics are also trashing host Ricky Gervais, citing that he was tasteless and unfunny. This is also odd - I thought he was hilarious and added some much needed levity to the normally all too serious awards ceremony. I'm confused. Did I get drunk and watch the wrong show?

[Photo Credit: Look at those hideous arms! Gerard Butler looks terrified.]

Contingency Plans

reggie-bush-and-kim-kardashian-back-up-dance.0.0.0x0.350x399.jpegIf I were Kim Kardashian, I would not be jumping for joy at the thought of Reggie Bush's proposal. Then again, if I were Reggie Bush I wouldn't be exactly thrilled to be marrying Kim K. Perhaps the complete lameness on both ends cancels each other out? We all know Kim has been sweating bullets (delicately, of course) as her family begins to gain more traction in the fame game. She's the one that did all the work, damn it - and now her sisters are horning in. The bootylicious Kardashian has a plan - but will it backfire? She apparently has on again/off again boyfriend Reggie back in the fold - and even has him agreeing to propose, with one caveat. Details from Page Six, via Celebitchy

[Kim Kardashian might be rooting harder than anyone for the New Orleans Saints. She told a radio interviewer her longtime boyfriend, running back Reggie Bush, made a deal with her: If the Saints win the Super Bowl, he'll propose to the voluptuous reality star. Some cynics joked on Saturday that Bush might throw the game, but it seemed from his stellar performance that he's eager to get hitched. He's now just two wins away from holy matrimony.]

Umm, sure. Call me a romantic, but shouldn't love conquer all? Like, he won't marry her if he doesn't win - for real? How badly could Reggie really want to be getting hitched? Of course, it doesn't matter with this brilliant PR move. More details, via Celebitchy

[The Kardashian sisters are still trying to one-up each other. Kourtney has the baby, Khloe has the husband, and poor Kim only has some farty fragrance ads. But soon Kim might have a fiancée! Of course it comes with caveats. Like, Reggie Bush will only propose to Kim if the Saints win the Super Bowl. Which is... football, yes, I know. So if Reggie plays really well and the Saints still lose, that means Kim is out of luck, I guess. Kim and Reggie have been dating for around two years, although they did break up for a few months last summer. They got back together in September and Kim's been pushing for a serious commitment ever since. Ever since her sisters were out-doing her, that is. A source told Us Weekly: "They took a few months off and couldn't be apart. The time away was needed so that they could figure out what their priorities were. [Khloe's] wedding made [Kim] miss [Reggie], so she flew to see him." Now, I'm not saying Reggie and Kim are a bad couple or anything, because I actually think they're kind of cute together. But I do think this is mainly about sisterly competition rather than a real desire to build a life together.]

The story might be bogus, but the damage (or success) stays! Either way, I don't think these two will make it down the aisle. Although, it's always nice to have a backup plan.

Coco's Ton O' Cash

Well, the Conan O'Brien debacle is nearly done - and it doesn't seem that anyone is coming out a winner. Sure, Conan will receive a massive settlement (to the tune of $32 million) but he'll be deprived of doing what he loves for quite some time (and losing some beloved characters he created, to boot). Though, with that kind of cash, I hope a nice vacation is in his future! The real losers are, of course, the real people. Though NBC will pay severance packages to the employees of O'Brien's show, it doesn't change the fact that a lot of people are now out of work. It's not like there're a ton of kickass jobs lying around, waiting to be scooped up. Hopefully Conan will get another show on a new network and rehire the majority of the people who have stayed on this roller coaster with him. Details from TMZ, via Bri's Cheese and Sleaze

[Conan O'Brien is getting $32.5 million from NBC for losing The Tonight Show reports TMZ. In addition, NBC is also paying severance to Conan's 200 employees which ups the severance to about $40 million. The flipside, Conan has to agree to not take another job until September.  He also can't diss the network (effing babies). Plus, he can't take any of his characters he created while working for NBC with him to his next gig. That includes Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!  HOW COULD YOU, NBC?!]

I think the stars (and the blogs) are taking care of dissing NBC for Conan. You know it's big-time when Tom Hanks steps up to bat for you. Of course, so did Julia Roberts - but she was allegedly drunk at the time, so I don't know if we can count that! So, in the end Jay Leno got what he wanted - but will it be worth it for him or NBC? I think the ratings may tell a different story...

I Spy Perfection

demi-moore-wanted-perfume-ad.jpgWe all know that Demi Moore is perfect - and she wants you to know it too. She's the "new face" (oh, the irony) of Wanted Perfume and, to hear her tell it, all she had to do was show up and fan her hair. Then the lowly photographer snapped her photo and they printed it. No touchups here - just a naturally lit Demi and a multi-million dollar ad campaign. Details, via the pitch-perfect Celebitchy

[Of course Demi Moore is never Photoshopped. Of course not. Why would we think that? How could we? Why are people so cruel? Why can't we just acknowledge that Demi Moore grows a new face every year - NATURALLY, damn it. It is always Demi's natural face and her natural body and her natural no-hip and her natural skin and she just photographs this way naturally! Anyone who doesn't acknowledge it is just a jealous hater waiting to get sued by the almighty Demi.

So, anyway - here is Demi in the new ad for 'Helena Rubenstein - Wanted'. That's the perfume that Demi is the "face" of. God knows what kind of modeling contract it is, or how much it pays, but you'd think that if Helena Rubenstein is laying out the serious money for Demi, they'd want to actually use her real face. This sh-t isn't just "Oh, someone got a little heavy-handed and made her skin look flawless and ridiculous." This sh-t is like "Oh my God, who shaved Demi's cheeks down and made her look like a cartoon?!?" This is some Jessica Rabbit looking stuff. But she's never Photoshopped, and of course Demi really looks like that, right?]

If that's what the face of a forty-seven year old woman looks like naturally, well then I guess there's nothing to worry about for the rest of us. What a relief!

[Photo Credit]

Entertainment Heavyweights Slam NBC

I've got no big love for Julia Roberts - but there's no denying a certain charm to her mouthiness, especially when she's tipsy! Julia, her high-powered agent, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson stopped to chat with Access Hollywood's Billy Bush - and hijinks ensued when the stars took his network to task. Tom lead the charge by chastising NBC, in reference to the massive fallout over the Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien debacle. Julia chimed in - it was painful for Billy, but hilarious for us. It's refreshing when big stars share their opinions, instead of being hemmed in by political motivations. Details, via Evil Beet

[Billy Bush scored an interview with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts on last night's Golden Globes red carpet, but the two A-listers had an agenda. After Julia got her obligatory "Happy Birthday, Michelle Obama!" out of the way, Tom realized that he was being interviewed by an NBC reporter. NBC. You know, that network that's been in the news for sucking and being jerks a lot lately. "Yeah, we got great information from another network", says Tom. Julia took a moment to realize what he meant by that and then says "Another network? Yeah! NBC, you guys are in the toilet right now." Bush laughed it off, but you could tell he was unprepared to be sass talked by Tom Hanks and a seemingly buzzed Julia Roberts. Pretty funny.]

Will the high-profile slap on the wrist help get NBC in line?

Why Do Hot Girls Like Douchebags?

january-jones-main-wikipedia.jpgAh, the eternal mystery. If I can answer that, I'll have a best-selling theory. See "He's Just Not That Into You." We all know the rebel can be an appealing character, but rarely does a relationship with such a man ever turn into more than heartache. At least the "bad guy" usually has something going on. The douchebag? I ask you - what is the draw? Such is the case with Mad Men's January Jones. A knockout if there ever was one. Her taste in men thus far? Terrible. Ashton Kutcher (who told her she'd never make it as an actress) and Josh Groban (yawn) are amongst her exes. That was bad enough, but now I'm officially worried. The blonde beauty was spotted holding hands with none other than king drip, Jeremy Piven upon exiting the Golden Globes last night. Please say it isn't so! A summary, via Perez Hilton

[The always stunning January Jones was seen on the arm of Jeremy Piven while leaving the Chateau Marmont after the Golden Globes on Sunday. Let's hope she was just a little tipsy and needed an escort to her car! The Mad Men star is WAY too good for the Pivert.]

Click on the Perez link above for a photo of the two, arm in arm. Piven has never been an endearing character - but his lameness hit new heights after "sushi-gate." I wouldn't wish Jeremy on my worst enemy, much less someone as adorable as January. For once I agree with Perez - let's hope it's the champagne and not a misguided cupid talking! 

The Pot And The Kettle

paris-hilton-kim-k-clubbing.jpgThe subtle cat-fight feud is still on between Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. I know you've been wondering! The former friends had a falling out ages ago. I think it began when Paris insulted Kim's famous ass - for real. Nothing surprises me anymore - especially when it comes to these two. Kim was the latest to add to the list of insults. Details, via Paris Hilton News. A less biased source could not be found! ha ha. 

[Kim Kardashian recently told the UK Sunday Mirror that she is nothing like socialite Paris Hilton. The reality TV star insists she's a serious business woman but can understand why people compare her to Paris. Kardashian said, "I'm more a business woman -- I get up and run my three clothing stores. There are things similar with Paris, sure, but I don't consider myself to be a party girl. I don't even really drink." And as far as clubbing and partying? Kim says forget it. "I don't go out to parties all the time. I can't even remember when I last went to a night club."]

Choosing a favorite between these two is like a "Who'd You Rather" between George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. They're both gonna try to kill you. I guess Kim has the edge with me, but just barely. 

The Golden Globes Wrap-Up

It was a blast Tweeting for the Golden Globes - the only snafu was running out of champagne halfway through. Where is Mariah Carey when you need her? I, much like the celebs, view the Golden Globes as practice for the Academy Awards. Of course my prep consists of stretching my fingers in anticipation of five hours of Tweeting, while the stars are getting ready for a career-changing night. Same difference. The good news is that I only scared off two Twitter followers. For the rest of you lovelies, don't worry! I normally don't hog the screen. Anyhow, I thought Ricky Gervais made the Globes entertaining. He doesn't appear to take himself, or Hollywood, too seriously which is refreshing. When he kicked off things by joking about plastic surgery and the size of his penis, I knew we were in for a good time. Fashion naturally took the front seat for the pre-show red carpet. I thought Sandra Bullock, Emily Blunt and Christina Hendricks were the winners. Why is it that resident E! twig Giuliana Rancic was so rabid about pursuing diet tips from female stars last night? It was kind of awkward. I was hoping for the drama of the Angelina Jolie to Ryan Seacrest snub last night - and I got it in the frantic Giuliana trying to flag down George Clooney while using Up In The Air costar Anna Kendrick as "bait." That was a cringe-worthy, laugh-out-loud moment. As usual, the red carpet was more fun than the ceremony itself. Ricky kept things snapping, but pans out to the audience caught the looks of bored peeps more than once. A room full of actors who can't feign excitement for three hours? All the top winners were charming - Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock, Jeff Bridges and Robert Downey Jr. all gave great speeches. Alec Baldwin also snagged an award, but was not in attendance. A bummer for sure - he's a genius comedian who always charms at the podium. The surprise of the evening was an aged and somewhat humble James Cameron. I was expecting, "I'm the king of the world!" Instead he seemed rather mellow. I know people are freaking out over Avatar, but I still say it's overrated. Nothing to kill yourself over, that's for sure.  Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler have tongues wagging today. They both attended solo, but spent the evening glued to one another's sides. Are they together or are they ramping up promotion for the hot-mess action-flick The Bounty Hunter? Jen seemed totally flustered onstage. A shame because she really looked stunning last night. Her dress featured a slit that nearly introduced us to her "precious lady" - as another Jennifer (Love Hewitt) likes to call it. No word on if it was bedazzled with crystals. Perhaps we should ask Gerard? The evening was an overall success. It's left me longing for more champagne and fashion-action. Good thing the Oscars are around the corner! 

Sandra Bullock Sexes It Up With Meryl Streep

Sandra Bullock is damn cute - there's just no two ways around it. One of the most appealing things about her, aside from her amazingly fresh looks, is her self-effacing humor. It works because she comes across as believably sincere, which can be a relative rarity in the entertainment industry. Last night, at the Critics Choice Awards, she tied with Meryl Streep for Best Actress. How did she react? By planting a big old kiss on Streep. Freakin' adorable. It was a treat because we know she's not in the same league as Meryl - and so does she! Details, via Bitten & Bound

[The 15th Annual Critics Choice Awards 2010 were held last night at the Hollywood Palladium and aired on VH-1. The evening was hosted by the lovely Kristin Chenoweth and revealed the winners as determined by the Broadcast Film Critics Association.  

The highlight of the evening was the make out session between Best Actress winners Meryl Streep for "Julie & Julia", and Sandra Bullock for "The Blind Side".  The impromptu love fest was a big hit with award presenter Bradley Cooper and the rest of the crowd.

Big winner of the night was "Avatar" with six awards, but the Best Picture went to "The Hurt Locker".  Historically the winner in this category has gone on to win the Academy Award for the past three years. Jeff Bridges won Best Actor for "Crazy Heart".   Mo'Nique won Best Supporting Actress for "Precious".]

Check out more photos of the evening from Bitten & Bound's gallery here. I'm getting so excited for the Oscars, as I always do. But let's not get ahead of ourselves - the Golden Globes are tomorrow night! Click here if you'd like to follow my live Tweets of the event. We may not have a showdown between Jennifer Aniston and Brangelina to look forward to - but you can bet I'll find a way to ferret out some drama... somehow!

And this concludes the special Saturday edition of PLP! It's been such a relief to be back online and make up for the loss of Internet access on Thursday. I look forward to having you join me for the Golden Globes tomorrow - and I'll see you here again on Monday. xo

TomKat Party With Katie's Ex!

tom-cruise-katie-holmes-chris-klein-inset.jpgWell, almost - but not quite. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attended a party the other night - and Chris Klein (Katie's ex-fiance) was also at the fete. However, it sounds like TomKat worked an avoiding crossing paths with Chris. Good thing, because he'd probably like to talk about Suri! I jest - we all know Suri is the product of frozen L. Ron Hubbard sperm. Party details, via Hollywood Life

[Would you avoid a party if you knew your ex was going? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got their schmooze on at last night's New York Times Golden Globes party at LA's Chateau Marmont, but there was one guest they didn't cozy up to -- Katie's ex-fiancé Chris Klein! Yes, while Tom and Katie made their rounds inside the party, Chris spent most of the night chatting up other guests outside on the balcony. Also worth noting: Katie's longer hair! Between spending time with Chris and sporting a 'do from her days on "Dawson's Creek," Katie had herself a little Flashback Friday! We wonder if Tom found it as amusing as we do.

Katie and Chris began dating in 2000 and became engaged three years later -- but the romance fizzled out by 2005 and the couple remained friends, despite their split. They haven't had very much interaction since then, though there was a crazy rumor floating around in 2006 that Chris was the biological father of Katie and Tom's daughter, Suri. Something tells us Tom and Chris aren't grabbing a beer together anytime soon.]

Chris must still be shaking his head in amusement at the twists and turns Katie's life has taken. No one could have guessed that the sweetie from Dawson's Creek would be the ultimate in Stepford Wives. Sometimes life really is stranger than fiction...

[Photo Credit]

More Hiltons Coming To A Television Near You!

Paris Hilton and Kyle Richards-1.jpgNoooo! Say it isn't so. As if dealing with Paris Hilton wasn't enough, we'll soon be seeing her bitchy aunts on the boob tube as well. I guess the Hilton family were feeling left out, with all the Kardashian hoopla going on. You know Paris wasn't going to let that go on forever! She's got a rivalry to settle, don't 'cha know. Details, via Perez Hilton

[Paris Hilton's aunts, Kim and Kyle Richards, have been cast on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Also included is Lisa Todd, co-owner of the Villa Blanca restaurant along with her hubby, Ken. "Lisa, Kim and Kyle are all hideously wealthy," said a source. "They live in these amazing houses, drive beautiful cars, live these fabulous lives and spend money like it's going out of fashion." And neither one of them will be holding back!

"The casting is meant to still be a secret but there's no such thing when it comes to Lisa! She's been sworn to secrecy about her involvement but has been telling anyone and everyone that will listen! When it comes to Lisa "loose lips" is definitely a saying that springs to mind!" the insider continued.

 "Actually, it could be applied to all three of them! They all love to gossip and there's a real rivalry between them, even though they socialize together and are friends," the source said. "There's definitely going to be more than a fair share of drama, cat fights and bitchiness."]

Sounds about par for the course. Is anyone surprised that relatives of Hilton would be simultaneously wealthy and petty? Bitches always make for compelling reality television. It sounds like these gals won't even have to break a nail to make a go of it, on that front. 

[Photo Credit: Paris with Aunt Kyle]

Goddamn You, Pulp Fiction

Pulp Fiction broke all kinds of movie trends and, ironically, put many more in place. Namely John Travolta as a wise-cracking bad guy. I didn't need to see him in The Taking of Pelham 123 and I definitely don't need to see him in From Paris With Love. Details, via Best Week Ever

[Harrison Ford yelling about an experimental medical cure and bald, badass John Travolta as a wisecracking sharpshooter named "Wax"? Even an unfrozen caveman without a cell phone calendar knows what's going on: we are full-on into Mediocre Winter Movie MadnessTM)!

Neither From Paris With Love or Extraordinary Measures looks like the worst movie ever, but I can't stop laughing at the nondescript, January-movie averageness of the trailers; when I see even one shot of bald Travola blowing crap up or Harrison Ford being Oscarly, for me, that's a dealbreaker ladies!!! I use this expression because it applies doubly if either element somehow occurs on a date with a lady.]

Click here if you'd like to see the Harrison Ford trailer BWE refers to in the above paragraphs. It looks even worse than the Travolta flick, which I didn't think was possible! It's great to see classic stars in the twilight of their careers on the big screen. But try to take a page from Meryl Streep's book and make sure the projects are of a certain quality. You deserve it! In a side note: it's nice to see Jonathan Rhys-Meyers in a film, though I don't know if he'll ever regain his Bend It Like Beckham hotness. Something about the look in his eyes these days is very unsettling... 

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before...

brad-pitt-shaggy-hair-w-jennifer-aniston-couple.jpgJesus. If only we were doing for the environment what the tabloids do for the Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie love triangle. The stories of their tainted, tattered love get way more recycling action than any tin can or plastic water bottle. Anyway, it's been five years since the split between Brad and Jen - yet stories still persist that Brad is desperate to reunite with his first wife. Really? Pitt seems like a manly man - someone who does what he wants, when he wants. Would it take him this long to secure a reunion with Aniston? A phone call and a pitcher of margaritas would be all he'd need to get that going again. Hell, he wouldn't even need the tequila - though why not have a little fun? Regardless, here's the latest "scoop" via Digital Spy:

[Brad Pitt is believed to be attempting to reunite with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston, a new report claims. According to Now, the actor is eager to return to the "fun" relationship that he enjoyed with Aniston, following persistent rumors that his romance with Angelina Jolie has soured in recent months. "Brad longs for the serenity and fun he had in his life when he was with Jen and he can't wait to get back together with her," a source said.

However, Aniston has allegedly remained unmoved by Pitt's desire to get back together. The former Friends actress, who split from the 46-year-old in 2005, is said to have insisted that he cut off all ties with Jolie before she even considers the possibility of a reunion. "Jen's made it clear she's not interested in talking to Brad until Angelina's out of his life," the insider added. "That gives more incentive to walk away from Ange now."] 

I'm not sure how in the know Now is, but I think they might have to rename their publication So Four Years Ago. As for me, I'll believe it when I see it - and I don't think I'll be seeing this re-coupling anytime soon...

[Photo Credit: Dang, back in the day y'all! Don't get me wrong - I'd love to see these two back together. I just don't see it happening at this juncture. Angie would rather cut off Brad's balls than be humiliated the way Jen was...]

Renee Zellweger And Bradley Cooper's Pacific Palisades Paradise!

renee-zellweger-bradley-cooper-glamour-couple.jpgNothing to see here, just a couple of crazy-in-love kids with mucho dinero to spare. Rumors of cohabitation between Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper appear to be true - to the tune of well over $4 million! I guess these two feel this is more than a fling. Or, for the skeptics (like myself), their publicists feel this is an appropriate union to invest in. Details, via The Real Estalker

[BUYERS: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper. LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA. PRICE: $4,700,000. SIZE: 3,335 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: There is a long list of ladees in Tinseltown who ride the cruel merry-go-round of romance and, the wee lassies, get nothing but dizzy and tossed off onto the hard black top of life. Among those famous gals unlucky in game of love are Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and, of course, the too sinewy former cheerleader and Oscar winner Renée Zellweger. Among her long list of high profile and erstwhile paramours (and hook ups) we have Jim Carrey, Matthew Perry, Jack White, Kenny Chesney-to whom she was married for about as long as it takes Your Mama to suck down a pitcher of gin & tonics, Luke Perry, John Krasinki, Paul McCartney, Andre Balazs, Dan Abrams and, since sometime in June of 2009, Bradley Cooper, currently one of Hollywood's hotsiest totsies.

Listen butter beans, far be it from Your Mama to cast shade on anyone's love life. Relationships are hard enough without being in the glare of the spot light and having assholes like Your Mama giving out free and unsolicited criticism and advice. But let's get real for a moment. What kind of damn fool goes buying up multi-million dollar real estate with someone to whom they've been attached for only six months? Seriously. We're sorry to say, but this lovey-dovey let's move in together situation between Miss Zellweger and Mister Cooper has all the hallmarks of romantic catastrophe, especially when you consider poor Miss Zellweger and her rather dismal track record in the love department.

It's hard to say which party is better for the other career at this point. Does the new hawt-cha-cha leading man help the not quite as successful as she used to be veteran actress or does the wildly successful, Oscar winning actress help the blossoming career of a comparative neophyte? Whichever might be the case, it doesn't hurt either of their careers that their oft in the news for the public canoodling and seemingly impulsive real estate transactions.]

Don't forget to add George Clooney to Renee's long list of celebrity bone! Those two were rumored to have dated off and on in 2001. I really like both Renee and Bradley. Renee seems like a sweetie and Bradley's had my heart ever since the underrated (but fabulous) Kitchen Confidential. However, I'm just not feeling their "romance." It's not ringing true to me - even with the nearly $5 million love shack. What do you guys think - real, fake or indifferent? By the way, wouldn't you hope for more than 3 bedrooms for that kind of cash? Something is wrong with the balance of things when Khloe Kardashian has a bigger home than an Oscar-winning actress

[Photo Credit]

Kate Gosselin's Hand Job

Thumbnail image for kate-gosselin-hair-ext-people-mag-cvr.jpgWhoops! I meant to say that Kate Gosselin was handed another job. My bad. Though, perhaps that's how she got her new position. I kid! We all know Kate doesn't have an ounce of sexuality left to squeeze out of her sourpuss face. Yes folks, good news hails like a mana from heaven - it's been announced that the female parental figure of the Gosselin clan will be getting her own reality show. I, for one, nearly wept with relief. The airwaves just ain't the same without her. Details, via Chelsea Lately

[Kate Gosselin is reportedly returning to television, minus the eight and the Asian.  An executive from Discovery Networks, which owns TLC, revealed that Kate's new "untitled show" will air later this year. The show will apparently follow Kate around as she tries "her hand at different jobs." I would personally be more interested in the show if she was trying different jobs with her hands, but I guess I'm not the demographic they are targeting.]

More, via Reality TV World

[On Wednesday morning, TheWrap.com had reported the new reality project -- which the network had first announced in September --  would apparently be a more sanitary version of Dirty Jobs (which airs on TLC's Discovery Channel sibling network) and feature Gosselin "trying different jobs and tasks and showing how she performs in the different environments."

In addition, the report claimed the series would include an interactive component that would -- similar to Tiffany Pollard's New York Goes to Work reality series which aired on VH1 last year -- allow viewers to determine the jobs Gosselin would undertake. "It's more like Kate Gosselin, firefighter, not Kate Gosselin, wife and homemaker," a source told TheWrap.com, which had also reported that the show would premiere in late spring or early summer.

In December, Raleigh, NC's WRAL-TV CBS affiliate filmed Gosselin serving food at Finch's Restaurant -- however the network's reporter was subsequently ushered out by her bodyguard, Steve Neild, who said they were shooting a "test" segment for an upcoming program.

A TLC spokeswoman subsequently confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that the diner shoot was being filmed as part of Gosselin's new project with the network but failed to provide additional details.]

Good thing I've got a vat of coffee available here at my NAMM press nook, otherwise this story would have me curled up in a corner sound asleep. If I miss seeing Eagles of Death Metal today, there will be hell to pay. Do you hear me, Ms. Gosselin? By the way, does anyone want to watch Kate anymore, or am I missing something?

[People Magazine Cover: Britney Spears called, she wants her extensions back. Sorry - it was too easy to pass up!]

You Reap What You Sow

Eddie-Cibrian-and-LeAnn-Rimes-Lifetime-TV-still.jpgThough one of LeAnn Rimes favorites pastimes seems to be flaunting her stolen man, it may be the very thing that comes around and bites her in the ass. Rumor has it that the "country songbird" may enjoy keeping too close an eye on lover Eddie Cibrian - and he might not be enjoying the detailed attention. Duh! What person likes to be followed 24/7 by his mate? Details, via In Touch

[LeAnn Rimes stole the heart of Eddie Cibrian when they co-starred in the Lifetime TV movie Northern Lights last year. And lately, she's been keeping close tabs on her beau -- rarely letting him out of her sight. An insider tells In Touch that the country singer has been spending her free time on the set of Eddie's popular TV show, CSI: Miami, in order to be near her man. According to the insider, LeAnn, 27, camps out in Eddie's dressing room trailer -- whenever she isn't standing around on the set keeping a watchful eye over him! 

"Eddie's always been a flirt, but when she's on the set he doesn't look at -- or talk to -- any women," says the insider. But that doesn't mean that he's happy to have her around all the time. "Eddie seems to be uncomfortable with LeAnn's constant presence. He's always telling her to stay in his dressing room, but whenever he walks out on set, she's right behind him," reveals the insider. Although reps for both LeAnn and Eddie deny the story, perhaps LeAnn has good reason to stick close to Eddie, 36. The insider says, "They were both married to other people when they got together, so it's not out of the question to think either one would stray again."]

Settle down, crazy swirly eyes! Nothing will turn a man off more quickly than that type of behavior. Just ask Lindsay Lohan, depending on who she's doing this week. I think Eddie will quickly realize the huge mistake he's made - he's on a leash, both emotionally and financially. Hot!

I Should Have Seen This Coming...

jennifer-aniston-marley-&-me-wikipedia.jpgThe wait is over, folks! Yesterday was the final opportunity to enter the "Name Jennifer Aniston's Mexican Restaurant" contest for the chance to win your very own copy of Management. The day was filled with Internet snafus, but my intern and I still had plenty of names to choose from. Of course it was announced earlier this week that Jen is actually not going to open an eatery in NYC - but that didn't stop us from having fun anyway! What is Jen getting behind? The release of a yoga DVD, naturally. I should have known fitness would win out over cheese and lard-filled beans for the dedicated Zone fanatic. To each her own! Now without delay, here are the Top Ten entries. That's what she said:

10. Taco La La - (Allison C.)

 9. Eat This Taco - (Brad O.)

 8. Amigos - (It's Spanish for "Friends" obviously. Someone had to do it! - Astrid C.)

 7. The Taco Pitt - (Michael L. - Get it? Oh, yes!)

 6. Beans, The Magical Fruit - (Jared S.)

 5. The Pink Taco - (Ben K. - Sorry, Ben - it's already taken. It is a catchy name though!)

 4. The Salted Rim - (Rachael V.)

 3. Burritos & Bongs (& Brad - heh, heh) - (Noel H.)

 2. Tequila's Tostadas - (Christie O.)

 1. Nosotros - (The winner is Justin H. Congrats! Nosotros means "us" in Spanish. We felt this entry was sweet, classy and something Jen might have actually chosen had she gone through with her plan!)

The Surprise Bank Has Been Robbed!

There's nothing much left that could surprise me about the Cyrus family. Miley is supposedly on her second live-in boyfriend before she's even legally allowed to move out of the house. Billy Ray claims he's a friend first and father second, as if that isn't obvious. God only knows what Tish is up to - but watching youngest child Noah doesn't appear to be high on the list. First was the swimsuit debacle, followed by the posed shots in front of a stripper pole. Needless to say, Noah's Ke$ha antics are more grist for the mill. Yes, I realize she's only nine - I'm just sayin' that this kind of behavior doesn't bode well for her future. Details, via The Huffington Post

[Noah Cyrus, Miley's 10-year-old sister, returns to the Internet in a video that shows her dancing and lip syncing to Ke$ha's Billboard hit "TiK ToK." "Ain't got a care in the world but got plenty of beer," she mouths as she swigs a can of Red Bull. She also performs lyrics about boys trying to touch her junk, brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack and getting shut down by the po po.]

Either she posting, posing and playing at all this on her own - or she's got some parental help. I'm not sure which option scares me more. All I know is the poor kid hasn't even been alive a decade yet and I'm already sick of hearing about her...

Bedazzled Kitty

Well, this is inspired! Did she steal a page from Playboy? Jennifer Love Hewitt, who has mainly been in the news lately for her pear-shaped ass and her terrible taste in men, has added another layer to her "mystique." She's put the Bedazzler to work in a unique way- by using it to make her vagina sparkle! Details, via The Huffington Post

[Jennifer Love Hewitt appeared on 'Lopez Tonight' Tuesday to hawk her new dating book. One of her tips: glue shiny things on your vadge. "After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady," she said. "It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vagazzle their vajayjays."]

That Jamie Kennedy is a lucky son-of-a-gun. All this is to help promote her book, The Day I Shot Cupid, by the way. Let's just hope she shot Cupid with a vaccine! 

Speaking Of Cheaters...

Thumbnail image for kate-hudson-arod-kissing.jpgI don't know about you, but I haven't been overly concerned about the state of Kate Hudson's dating life. Something about an earthquake in Haiti has been distracting most of us from the concerns of well-heeled celebs. Things have been relatively quiet in Kate's camp since she and A-Rod split, but there is an interesting little tidbit you should know about - reportedly Alex Rodriguez was cheating on Kate for the entire run of their six-month relationship! Are you surprised? I can't say that I am. Details from In Touch, via Celebslam

[It looked like Alex Rodriguez rebounded with 25-year-old design consultant Elaine Spottswood awfully quickly after his split with Kate Hudson -- and it turns out that may be because the Yankee slugger already had the younger blonde on deck.

"Elaine and Alex have been romantic for a few months, since before he and Kate ended their relationship," says an insider close to the couple, who met through friends a few years ago, but began heating up in November.

And apparently, A-Rod didn't do much to hide his affections: According to one insider, he constantly texted Elaine, even while he was with Kate. In fact, as millions of viewers watched Kate and her family cheer Alex on during the World Series, he was secretly planning sexy dates with Elaine. "Kate is devastated and feels stupid," says a friend of the actress. "She thought that she and Alex were moving toward marriage... and all the while he was not taking the relationship as seriously as she was. She never would have imagined he would cheat on her."]

If nothing else, Elaine's last name should keep the pro-athlete's attention. It certainly provokes giggles from the likes of people with third grade senses of humor like myself! A-Rod has a long history of cheating - just ask his former wife, or that crabby lady named Madonna. Kate is lovely, but she's not enough to change a man who's that dedicated to sampling as many different punany platters as possible. Is this enough for Kate to finally settle in the arms of the long-lost Owen Wilson? If it's utter devotion she's searching for, it seems like she's already found it...

[Photo Credit: Odd - he seemed so into her!]

While Away The Hours Under The Winter Sun

Thumbnail image for tiger-woods-main-wikipedia.jpgAh, sunny Arizona! Home of cacti, retired Republican-leaning cotton-tops, RVs and high-priced "get well" clinics. In case you've been wondering where Tiger Woods is, he's allegedly in AZ enjoying all the hot action the state has to offer. More, via People Magazine

[In the ever-changing story about Tiger Woods, word has resurfaced that he may have entered an upscale clinic in Arizona for sex rehab, according to sources contacted by People. The sources say that Woods entered The Meadows, a clinic in Wickenburg, Ariz., sometime around the holidays - a rumor that first made the rounds last month. The clinic specializes in substance abuse, as well as compulsive disorders such as gambling or sex addiction. A sex-therapy expert who claims to be familiar with the situation says Woods, 34, showed up in Wickenburg around New Year's and would likely plan to stay for 4 to 5 weeks of treatment. "He should be out by Valentine's Day or thereabouts," says the source.]

That's perfect timing to release an alleged sex addict on Valentine's Day. Tiger is like The Bachelor -  he's got a lot of roses to hand out! It's obviously too little, too late for Woods and Elin Nordegren - but hopefully the intense therapy will help Tiger get a handle on his tail. 

Team Coco

Wow, this late night drama has spun out of control quickly! There are so many layers, developments and rumors to keep up with - it's like the Tiger Woods scandal, minus the whores. What do you say, guys? Care to liven it up a bit? Either way, I know where I stand - it's Team Coco, all the way. Conan O'Brien is a class act - it doesn't hurt that he's million times funnier and hipper than Jay Leno to boot. What does hurt? Leno hasn't learned from his own history lesson - which seems both foolhardy and asshole-ish. Details, via Gawker

[It's surprising that Jay would usurp Conan O'Brien like he is. Because not only has he gone on record saying he has total faith in Conan, but NBC once tried to screw over Jay just like they're doing to Conan.

Jay Leno almost lost The Tonight Show to David Letterman at one point. In a 1992 New York Times article, Leno completely lashed-out at NBC executives for going back on their word. After Leno's show started to build an audience, NBC almost handed over the keys of The Tonight Show to Letterman. So Jay wouldn't just get kicked off of The Tonight Show, NBC would also move him back to 12:30. Leno is justifiably outraged. So what does he do? Goes and does the same exact thing to Conan 17 years later. It's hard to imagine that this hasn't crept up into the back of Jay's head throughout this whole debacle.]

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Where will Leno end up from taking the road most traveled? Frankly, I don't care as long as Conan finds a way to triumph.

Cash Cow!

Thumbnail image for khloe-kardashian-main-wikipedia.jpgIf we were handing out awards to the Kardashian family, I think "Kraftiest" would easily be won by Khloe. Not only has she convinced a rich, young athlete to marry her - she's also recently snagged 1/2 of $4 million mansion. All I have to say is that her blow-jobs must be amazing. Teach me! Details from TMZ, via Celebslam

[What Lamar Odom taketh away, he also can giveth back -- 'cause dude just filed legal papers to transfer half the ownership of his new $4 million mansion to his wife Khloe Kardashian. On January 5th -- one day after TMZ broke the story that title to the 8,347 square foot Tarzana, Ca mansion was held in Lamar's name alone -- Odom filed a new legal document to make the mansion JOINT property. According to the prenup, Lamar has the right to keep the home in his name alone -- so the move is a pretty big sign of how Odom views his marriage.]

Dang, girl! I guess sister Kim Kardashian's sex tape has come in handy. Is it it required viewing after the family gathers for Sunday supper? More from the fab Celebslam

["Operation Gold-Dig" is officially a go. Lamar Odom just signed over half of his new house to Khloe Kardashian. Obviously Lamar has competent council from which he's getting his financial advice. I have a good feeling that, like most Hollywood marriages, this relationship will undoubtedly withstand the test of time and not be the biggest mistake of Lamar's life. Let us all look forward to decades of happiness between these two filled with prosperity, good fortune, and -- most importantly for any Kardashian -- never-ending media coverage. The end.]

Love is a slippery slope - as if this union wasn't already on one of the fastest tracks in history. Let's hope Khloe is fertile - it looks like there's much more to be had from this gold mine. 

[Photo Credit: Glenn Francis, via Wikipedia. Click link for info.]

PS - speaking of "Awards"... I'll be live Tweeting from NAMM on Saturday and also writing live Tweets on the Golden Globes this Sunday. Click here to join the fun! xo

Tila Tequila's Press Agent Must Not Be Much Smarter Than Tila

tila-tequila-main-wikipedia.jpgFirst of all - Tila Tequila had a press agent? I find that amazing in itself, considering what a 24/7 hot mess that bitch appears to be. Tila's agent must be the Lee Anne Devette equivalent, because that's about as much good as this person has done. Tom Cruise never recovered from his sister (and fellow Scientologist) taking the helm for his public persona - not that Tequila had anywhere near as much to work with as Cruise. Anyway, the long and short of this missive is that Tila's publicist has quit. God help us all. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[We are apparently not the only ones who think Tila Tequila's antics are anything but normal.  The reality star suffered another blow this week when her publicist Jessica Cohen quit.

Jessica told TMZ, "Some matters need to remain private and away from media attention...I realized we need to part ways while she deals with the loss of her fiancee."  Cohen cited "recent events" as her reason for quitting.  Another good excuse might have been -- 'the mounting evidence that Tila is crazy.'

On January 5, 2010, Tila's fiancee Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, was found dead in the guest house of a residence where she was staying.] 

I'm not sure if Jessica is the one who ordered the Tequila to happily pose in a tree the day after her fiance passed away - but whomever was responsible should be fired, even if it was Tila herself. Of course TT made up for it the following day by Tweeting while snapping photos of herself weeping. Whew - crisis averted! Either way, I'm not sure what took Jessica Cohen this long to bail ship - but I'm sure whatever course Tila charts for herself will be more than interesting.

[Photo Credit: Glenn Francis, via Wikipedia. Click link for info.]

When Your Mom Is Your Manager - And Your Manager Is A Famewhore

So, have you heard the one about Lindsay Lohan and an alleged (possibly soon to be released) sex tape? There's no punch line to that, by the way. Just stating the obvious. Of course the most common reaction to this news is, "What took so long?" There is, unfortunately, no surprise to hear "Lindsay" and "sex tape" in the same sentence. Is this the former starlet's attempt at a comeback? Other "stars" have had success in taking a similar path - think Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and so on. Frankly, LiLo would be lucky to be of their ilk at this point. Not that you could tell the ultimate stage-mom, Dina Lohan, any of this! Details from The Daily Mail

[Lindsay Lohan may be fearful that an old sex tape is about to surface on the Internet, but she put up a brave front last night. The 23-year-old actress went bra-less in a blouse that was slashed almost to her waist as she arrived at West Hollywood club Voyeur.

The Mean Girls actress is currently bracing herself for the internet release of a private video file. According to reports, a 47-second tape of the actress frolicking naked with a mystery male is currently being around LA.

But LiLo put on a brave face last night as she attended a party for a new luxury sex toy.
The star, who was lauded as a shining light and went to straight into the A-list as a teenage actress, joined Colombian Sofia Vergara at the rather tacky event. Wearing a trilby, polka dot shirt, black leggings, cropped jacket and sky-high heels at the event, she accessorised with a spider necklace and a faint hint of a smile.

The man offering around the sex video is a waiter with a well-known chain restaurant, according to the Daily Mirror. He has been told he has to release the footage to an 'offshore porn site', and it will then be available across the world.

At the beginning of the year, Lindsay wrote on Twitter about making a fresh start and was hoping to change her profile as a partying socialite.

On January 1, she told her Twitter followers: '2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)'

She even made a documentary for the BBC on child poverty and women's rights in India and has been tweeting about the earthquake disaster in Haiti.

Now a source told the Mirror: 'This video file is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors.' They added: 'If and when it is released on the internet, via a spurious, unofficial website, there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it.']

Good lord, given the company that Lohan has kept over the years it could be a myriad of suspects - this covers both possible sex partners, as well as lists of names who could be behind the release of the tape. I hope it's worth it for Lindsay, however it shakes down. It will, umm, give her some exposure either way...

Hot Bag Of Hell

gwyneth-paltrow.jpgWell, today was more frustrating than trying to keep Paris Hilton's panties on her kitty with a shipping heir in the vicinity. I'm on the road for official PLP business, which ironically has made it very difficult to actually work on PLP. The main problem has been the lack of promised Internet access at the places I've been staying. We're talking reasonably priced hotels in major cities who say they're able to provide a clear path to the world wide web. They've been lying. I've been Tweeting out in the street on my phone, while unable to get any use out of my laptop at all. Thanks to Scott - my kind travel-mate who jerry rigged his computer and magically grabbed me a signal. So, fingers crossed for a full day of posting on Friday! I'll also post on Saturday to help make up for the lost content from the last couple of nightmarish workdays. Thanks for your patience! Speaking of, let's take a page from Gwyneth Paltrow's wise book - she's always happy to tell us what to do. Details, via Us Magazine

[On Gwyneth Paltrow's 2010 to-do list? Meditate. "My New Year's resolution is to learn how to meditate," the actress, 37, writes in her GOOP newsletter on Thursday. "It's always sounded like something I should do, but I don't know how to."

Apparently, her pals insist the mom of two -- who may have been stressed last November by the rumors that her hubby, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, was spotted kissing pal Kate Bosworth -- try it out.

"My friends who do it say it's really freakin' brilliant," she blogs. "They say you can't know the peace/awareness/contentment until you do it. My brain drives me mental. I am going to start. Tomorrow."

She asked three "amazing people" for advice on how they achieve their bliss, including filmmaker David Lynch. "I think I get it," she writes.]

I'm going to have to take a deep breath and focus on not smacking her. I'm learning already!

[Photo Credit: Smug as a bug in a rug.]

We Can All Breathe A Sigh Of Relief

jason-trawick-britney-spears.jpgAll is well in the world of Britney Spears - despite the rumors of cheating, combined with the reappearance of the brunette hair. Brit's longtime boyfriend and manager, Jason Trawick, was said to have strayed with a work associate - but the woman in question has come forward to deny the accusations. Details, via Us Magazine

[Britney Spears' boyfriend is no womanizer. Multiple sources are slamming a recent tabloid claim that Spears' beau Jason Trawick cheated on the singer at L.A. club Roger Room Dec. 30 -- including Milana Rabkin, one of the women spotted with Trawick on the night in question.

A source explains to UsMagazine.com that the Dec. 30 gathering at Roger Room was a birthday party for "one of Jason's bosses" at WME, the Hollywood agency that employs Trawick. "I used to work at WME. It was my old boss' birthday and we were all hanging out," Milana Rabkin, 22, tells UsMagazine.com exclusively. She and Trawick, she says, "worked together" recently. "We send him scripts," says Rabkin who now works  at Energy Entertainment. That night at Roger Room, she and a friend joined Trawick and a married male WME colleague to talk shop.

Rabkin says she and Trawick discussed a screenplay for a potential film; "we had actually sent [the script] to him to read for Taylor Swift," she adds. "We were hanging out and catching up on that. It was purely professional."

Around 1:45 a.m., the foursome left for the Standard hotel. "We were hungry, and I really wanted to talk to Jason about the script," Rabkin explains.

"They did go to the Standard," the source confirms. "The girls and Jason's friend had food. Jason didn't. Jason then left and went home."]

And there you have it, folks! I hope this is true - it's refreshing to see Britney in a happier situation. This beats the Kevin Federline/umbrella-attack/shaved head incident by a  mile!

[Photo Credit]

Hef Takes Out The Trash

Hugh Hefner's twenty-year old twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon, are moving out of the Playboy Mansion. Let's see if you can read between the lines on this one! Details, via Us Magazine

[And then there was one. Two of Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends -- 20-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon -- are moving out of the mansion. The Playboy founder, 83, tells E! News that his relationship with girlfriend Crystal Harris, 23, has been getting "more serious" and that the twins have expressed a lot of interest in doing more Playmate-related promotional work for the company. So they're moving into the neighboring Playmate House.

"They've been hanging out with a lot of the other Playmates and they see these girls traveling across the country to do promotion," he says. "They would like to be doing that, too." The move -- which Hefner stressed will not affect their E! Show Girls Next Door -- will take place within the next couple of weeks.

"They thought it was a good idea," he said after he suggested the move to them. "They will now be friends, but they won't be defined as the girlfriends." Now that he has Harris all to himself, will wedding bells be next? "I haven't had a lot of luck with marriage," he says. "I don't have a good track record, and I don't want to screw this one up."]

It's a nice, soft spin - but I doubt anyone is buying it. Obviously the twins are not into effing Hef - and that's a requirement if you're gonna list the Playboy Mansion as your home address!  We know there are quite a few restrictions to being a girlfriend and the barely legal gals are straining the bonds in order to have fun with people their own age. We all know what happened the last time one broke free...

Angelina Jolie Is A Jealous Swinger

brad-pitt-angelina-jolie-the-end-star-mag-cvr.jpgBrad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are in trouble - again! If even half of the current rumors were true, I would be shocked. It's all very entertaining, nonetheless. The latest in the cavalcade of stories? (Stories being the operative word.) Angelina is spying on Brad via a hired private detective. Angie and Brad have begun the breakup process and they're "drafting in lawyers." Jolie would like to see other people and Pitt is drinking heavily to cope with the news. Oh, also Angelina is scared of Jennifer Aniston - and that's why Brangelina won't be attending the Golden Globes. Good lord - it's a veritable orgy of trash. Let's delve a little more into the swingers story, via Showbiz Spy

[Brad Pitt has been hitting the bottle, hard -- and it's all because partner Angelina Jolie is demanding they have an open relationship! Jolie -- who recently said she doubts fidelity is "essential for a relationship" -- apparently suggested to Pitt, with whom she raises six children, that they see "other people" for a while. And according to a new report, Brad is still reeling from Angelina's revelations.

"When you read between the lines of Angelina's words, it's tantamount to say that cheating on Brad wouldn't be a bad thing," a source told American tabloid the National Enquirer. "It's no wonder Brad's been looking for comfort in booze and trying to get back with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. The way he sees it, he's not good enough for Angelina so why should he even try and make an effort with her. It's a terrible blow to his self-esteem, but at least the world now knows what Angelina is really like and can finally see her true colors."

"These past few months have really taken their toll on Brad, and it's fair to say all this fighting has tuned him into a broken man," added another loose-lipped insider. "Despite everything he and Angelina have been through, Brad really wanted to work things out, for their kids' sake if nothing else. He clung on for months thinking it might be possible, but now it's obvious there's no hope of saving their relationship.. Brad's put up with so much abuse, but Angie telling the world that she thinks cheating is OK really is the final straw."]

Hijinks ensue when couples swing! And, from watching couples who've attempted this, it usually implodes in the most fantastic ways. I say go for it, Brangelina! I love this caricature of Brad as a broken man with flagging self-esteem and a drinking problem - mainly because it's got to be the furthest thing from the truth. Meanwhile, I'm disappointed to hear that the fantastic twosome won't be attending the Golden Globes. (That's the one thing I do believe in all of this.) I, much like virtually everyone else, was looking forward to a Bermuda Triangle showdown! Perhaps we'll have to wait until the Oscars... again. 

[Star Magazine Cover: My favorite reader comment from the Star magazine website regarding this story is; "You can't make a whore into a housewife." Wise words, my friend.]

Wait - She's An Entertainer?

Has Jennifer Lopez hired a new press agent? It seems like we were rid of the mouthy diva for quite awhile and now we're right where we left off - in a wave of J.Lo related "news." She's made a lengthy career of nothing much, so that part is impressive. But does she really think she has more to offer? Of course! Details, via Showbiz Spy

[Jennifer Lopez insists she'll never quit showbiz. The 40-year-old singer/actress -- who's mom to twins Max and Emme -- says she will still be entertaining when she's in her seventies.

"I'll be doing some form of this when I'm 71," Lopez said. "This is what I do. What, because I have kids and a husband I'm not supposed to be me? I'm hyper J.Lo. Everything I wanted before, I want twice as much now. Not material things -- but to explore and think more. Being an artist doesn't start because you're 21 and it doesn't end because you're 51. You are who you are until the day you die. My manager swears I should direct. I'm like, 'I'm not ready. Maybe when I'm 71.'"]

Exploring and thinking more? Ah, delusion is a sweet, sweet drug. She's pretty generous with her opinion of herself, that's for sure! The most "entertaining" thing she's ever done is falling on her ass in the above video - and that's me being generous.

Move Over, Megan Fox - There's A Hotter, Smarter Bitch In Town

amanda-seyfried-flowing.jpgFrom underdog to star - that seems to be Amanda Seyfried's trajectory. She's already played the sidekick roles - in Mean Girls with Lindsay Lohan and Jennifer's Body with Megan Fox. We all knew she was poised to break out after Mama Mia! - and her role in Chloe could give her that boost. Of course it doesn't hurt matters that Amanda costars with heavyweights Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore. It also doesn't hurt that Seyfried appears fully nude in the film either! In short, I think she's ripe to shove her former leading ladies out of the way. Did I mention her love scene with Julianne? I can already guess it was a lot more pleasant than her make-out tussle with Megan. I, for one, can't wait for Amanda's time in the limelight. Click here to see the Chloe trailer and here for a myriad of stills from the movie.

The Engagement, Part Two

jude-law-sienna-miller-reunion-hello-cvr.jpgWhat once almost came to pass shall soon come again. It's rumored that Jude Law is planning on proposing to Sienna Miller, which would not surprise me. What would surprise me is if they actually made it down the aisle. The two were previously getting ready to wed before the nanny to Jude's first 3 children caught his eye. The heartbreak sent Sienna spinning out of control and into an affair with a married man of her own. I'm not sure what would stop such a thing from happening again, as I don't believe Law is a changed man. Then again, Sienna is not a changed woman - so maybe it's the perfect match! Details, via Celebitchy

[Sources out of Britain are claiming that Jude Law and Sienna Miller are on the verge of getting engaged again! Is this good news? I'm not sure. Yes, we'll have one of our prettiest couples back together again and we'll be throwing in a dash of old-school engagement drama, so that might be nice. But the years that Jude and Sienna have spent apart have not been kind to either of them. So it's interesting that the "sources" doing the talking attribute some funny sentiments to both Jude and Sienna. Apparently, Jude "needs a good woman to look after him." Translation: If I don't have a girlfriend, I'll screw anything that moves, and I'm exhausted. As for Sienna, apparently she's "fed up of the single life". Translation: Sienna's married "boyfriend" went back to his wife. I'm going to be cautiously optimistic and say that Sienna and Jude getting re-engaged might be a good thing for both of them. I know for sure that Sienna would do better with some stability in her love life, and it might improve her image, which took a big hit over the past few years as her public affair with Balthazar Getty went on and on. As for Jude, does he really benefit from getting serious with Sienna again? Eh. Maybe. Some stability wouldn't hurt him either, but I still think he's going to be f-cking everything that isn't nailed down.]

I think time has eroded away Miller's innocence, which means she's now better equipped for a relationship with Law. If they both lose the notion that their privates are precious and that they need to occasionally be shared with others, they'll be fine. Who knows? Maybe they can have a bambino of their own. We sure as hell know that Jude is fertile!

Will Jennifer Love Hewitt Actually Make It Down The Aisle?

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for kennedy-hewitt-show-still.jpgI'm sure this is not the only "burning" question in J. Love's repertoire. I can't say that I feel much sympathy for her victim finance, Jamie Kennedy, either. Does it bother Jennifer that her penchant for engagements has long eclipsed her "fame"? A question for another day. Details on the upcoming nuptials, via Celebslam

[Is Jennifer Love Hewitt engaged? Her boyfriend Jamie Kennedy certainly hopes so. Marrying her is way better than filing for unemployment. Each year you can count on four things happening like clockwork: the seasons changing, taxes, Jennifer Love Hewitt's hips getting bigger, and another Jennifer Love Hewitt engagement story. Seriously, how many times has this chick allegedly been engaged? Let this be a lesson for anyone interested in dating Jennifer after Jamie's done with her: If you want your relationship with Jennifer to end, don't break up with her -- just buy her an engagement ring.]

Why, Jennifer, why? I'd rather be single the rest of my life than have sex with Jamie Kennedy. Though I'm sure many men are saying the same thing about Jennifer, so it's probably best if they cancel each other out with marriage. More details from Star magazine, via Celebslam

[Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are hearing wedding bells. During a visit to his hometown of Philadelphia, the duo checked out engagement rings at stores in the city's renowned Diamond Row.

"They decided to pick it out together so Jennifer gets what she likes. She wants at least three carats, princess cut and platinum," says a pal, who adds that the two are discussing a spring wedding.

And Jennifer, 30, and 39-year-old Jamie certainly looked as if they had something to celebrate while dining with his mom, sister and brother-in-law at Jack's Firehouse on Dec. 23. Says the pal: "Everyone was in great spirits. His family has totally welcomed her into the fold, and she loves hanging out with them."]

Jennifer should invest in a diamond encrusted vibrator because "the one" she's going to end up with is herself. 

[Photo Credit]

This Is What Happens When You Have Too Much Money

miley-cyrus-shredded-top.jpgSometimes an overabundance of cash leads to some crazy-ass purchases. In an effort to be up to date with the latest trends, shopkeepers can convince celebrities to buy things of little or no value. And more power to 'em, in this economy. Is it any surprise that Miley Cyrus fell prey to buying what amounts to shredded air? Details, via Litely Salted

[Jeepers there, Miles, that's some top you got on there. I didn't know they had a kid's section at Hos 'N Thangs, but I guess I'll keep that in mind for next time. To be fair, it does a good job of covering the boobies, but yikes to everything from behind. It's like some sort of hideous mullet shirt: Slutty business in the front, big whorish party in the back y'all. And I cannot be the only one who thinks those jeans make her look like some sort of Na'vi prostitute, can I?]

The teen tyrant empress has no clothes - literally.

Puke Anywhere You'd Like - It's No Problem!

Up and coming songstress Ke$ha left a little gift for Paris Hilton that the rest of us could only dream of - she puked in Hilton's closet and didn't tell her about it! Details, via Life & Style

["Tik Tok" singer Ke$ha, 22, has a No. 1 single, but she wasn't always living the good life. She first met Paris when the heiress dropped by Ke$ha's Nashville, Tenn., home to film an episode of The Simple Life. But years later -- after she hit the recording studio -- Ke$ha paid a visit to Paris' home during a party and left quite a surprise behind. "We were all dancing," says Ke$ha. "I got overexcited and ralphed in her closet." But Paris tells Life & Style she had no clue! "I had no idea she threw up in my closet, and if you're reading this, Ke$ha, I'm not mad," insists Paris. "You just had a little too much fun. It's all good. The only person who's probably mad is the housekeeper who found it."]

Ah, there's the generous girl I know and love! I knew there had to be a catch - mainly that Paris never has to clean up her own messes, literally. It must be a hoot to be a maid at the Hilton household - a veritable crash course in Hazmat situations. 

But I Wanted To See Some Awkward Lovin'

tobey-maguire-kirsten-dunst-spiderman.jpgFor those of you wishing to see the reunion of ex-lovers Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst onscreen, you're out of luck. Wait, did anyone want to see that? Well, too damn bad if ya did. The former couple starred in three installments of the Spider-Man franchise, but the fourth is now officially dead in the water. Dead, but not gone! Details, via Perez Hilton

[First production got pushed back. Now, it's been scrapped altogether! Seems like there was way more drama going on behind-the-scenes of Spider Man 4 than we previously knew! Instead of going ahead with the latest installment, Columbia has decided to reboot the franchise. That means no Tobey Maguire or Kiki Drunkst. Plus, a new director.]

How about some new material - instead of a remake or a reboot? Call me crazy - and many have! More details again via Perez from The Hollywood Reporter

[Columbia and Raimi put on a unified front Monday when making the announcement they were parting.

"A decade ago we set out on this journey with Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire, and together we made three Spider-Man films that set a new bar for the genre. When we began, no one ever imagined that we would make history at the boxoffice, and now we have a rare opportunity to make history once again with this franchise.

"Peter Parker as an ordinary young adult grappling with extraordinary powers has always been the foundation that has made this character so timeless and compelling for generations of fans. We're very excited about the creative possibilities that come from returning to Peter's roots and we look forward to working once again with Marvel Studios, Avi Arad and Laura Ziskin on this new beginning," Sony Pictures co-chairman Amy Pascal said in a statement.

Said Raimi: "Working on the Spider-Man movies was the experience of a lifetime for me. While we were looking forward to doing a fourth one together, the studio and Marvel have a unique opportunity to take the franchise in a new direction, and I know they will do a terrific job."]

Frankly all I care about is: are they bringing James Franco into the fold for the new run? And if not, what hot tail, err fresh faces, do we have to look forward to in the future? These are the pressing issues! 

[Photo Credit]

I'm, Like, Helping And Stuff

Did they have to clarify for Lindsay Lohan that she was to help stop traffic, not direct it? I'm sure you all remember when Lindsay went to India to help put a stop to child trafficking. She saved, like, forty children in one day just by showing up! Does anyone find it ironic that LaLohan's entire childhood was pimped out and this is the cause she chose? Now that's called leading by example! A few "details," via Litely Salted

[Here's the trailer for that Lindsay Lohan India documentary for the BBC, aptly titled "Lindsay Lohan in India," in which Lindsay Lohan went to India for a week to try to put a stop to child trafficking or something. Really. Was Lindsay Lohan really the best person for this job? What, were like, Inspector Gadget and Lassie unavailable? Well, it was probably more that they are fictional characters, but you see what I'm getting at here. If anyone is going to stop child trafficking, it probably isn't going to be a smart dog or a half-man, half-gadget hybrid either, but at least they'd probably entertain the poor Indian kids for awhile and make them forget about their horrible, horrible lives -- whereas Lindsay Lohan probably gave them Emphysema just from smelling her.]

Do you see how serious she looks, people? That's not acting - that's compassion. Expressions and causes inspired by Angelina Jolie. Cracked out fashion by Lindsay Lohan. When worlds collide...

They'd Have To Rename It "Sexy Island"

Thumbnail image for kristen-stewart-robert-pattinson-love-in-touch-cvr.jpgKristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are buying an island! Well, a house on an island - but, whatever. They're living large - why nitpick? The alleged twosome escaped to the resort town of Ventnor on the Isle of Wight for a little privacy to help ring in the New Year. We all know Kristen is no fan of fame, and she rather enjoyed the absence of paparazzi during her vacation. All the better to ride Robert in peace with, my dear. Why not make it permanent? Details, via Showbiz Spy

[Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might be relocating! The couple spent the New Year in Ventnor, on the Isle of Wight, which is just off the south coast of England. And because they were hardly bothered during their brief stay, the stars -- who became household names in the Twilight movie franchise -- are thinking about buying a house in the secluded area.

"Rob and Kristen were only recognized a handful of times while in Ventnor," said one insider. "They loved it. They were able to walk around largely unnoticed -- like a normal couple. They've talked about buying a property on island for when the pressures of Hollywood get too much."

The resort town of Ventnor is a favourite among other British celebrities, including supermodel Kate Moss, comic Russell Brand, socialite Peaches Geldof and singer Amy Winehouse, because of the privacy it offers.

"Well-known artists and musicians have found that they can live normal lives in Ventnor, away from the media glare," said local resident Sally Perry. "So others tend to follow suit by choosing our lovely town for their special getaways."]

Nothing says "maintaining the privacy of the stars" like an accidental press release! Although, to be fair, this is a Department of Tourism dream. It's a rough economy and if people think they need to travel to Ventnor to spot celebrities, so be it. Now, I just need to book my ticket...

[Life & Style Cover]

I'd Let Him Take Me To The Bluff, But Then I'd Kick Him Off It

Thumbnail image for fergie-betrayed-us-weekly-cvr.jpgJosh Duhamel surprised wife Fergie with a cliffside wedding to mark their one-year anniversary. This would be romantic if he weren't reputed to be a world-renowned cheat. Don't get me wrong, anyone that hot should be allowed to share his gifts with the word. Hopefully Fergie made him pay for the stray and now she's choosing to stay. I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! Details, via Lainey Gossip

[They were married a year ago this past weekend and Josh Duhamel celebrated by surprising Fergie with a vow renewal ceremony on top of a bluff overlooking the ocean the other day. Apparently she was super emotional and blubbered through the whole thing and then they had dinner and flew back home. Josh supposedly wants to do this every year. Does this mean he'll cheat every year?

Because he strayed and she forgave. And now all is right again. 

It's her choice - and always a difficult one, even more so for celebrities who have face to save and projects to promote - and she has her reasons for making it. But the marketing of their marriage as the most perfect and true... well... f-ck off with the fraud. Please. You see how it is? She was so upfront about her drug use but when it comes to getting cheated on, let's hide that sh-t at all costs. Image making is such a complicated beast.]

I learned from Crazy Days and Nights that Josh didn't even cheat with the stripper; however he's allegedly been unfaithful in the past. He supposedly remained mum on this front in hopes that the real dirt would remain buried. In short, the best bet for Fergie's heart would have been to say her, "I do's" followed by a quick shove. However, sometimes the heart teams up with the pussy, making for a formidable team against the logic of the brain. I guess Fergs, much like the rest of us, will just have to stand by and wait for the other shoe to drop...

He's Sexy, He's Short, He's Got Expendable Income...

nicole-kidman-in-gold-w-tom-cruise.jpgLadies and gentlemen... it's Tom Cruise! The stubby actor with the blinding whites recently snagged the top spot in the recent Shorty Awards - beating out some dude I've never heard of. Details, via The Sun's Showbiz section:

[Hollywood actor Tom Cruise was yesterday voted the world's sexiest short man. Cruise, 47, spent years married to 5ft 10in Nicole Kidman - who famously quipped "Now I can wear heels" after they split in 2001. A spokesman for market research company www.OnePoll.com, which polled 2,000 women, said: "This proves you don't have to be 6ft to be sexy. These guys are regularly seen with stunning girls, which gives everyone struggling on the height side a bit of hope."]

It's true - hope, and a million dollars, will get you on the arm of a model. No word yet what the other parts cost. In other Cruise news, Tom bought 3 year old daughter Suri a car! It's about time - she needs to join the other debutantes in DUI-land. Details, via Showbiz Spy:
[Tom Cruise has bought his adorable little daughter Suri her own car! The Top Gun star reportedly splashed out $30,000 on a custom-made miniature replica of an Indy race car. 

"Suri has been mesmerized by auto racing on TV so he thought it would be fun for her to have her own little car to ride in," a source said. "If Suri truly takes to the sport, Tom plans on having a little race track installed at his L.A. property. But for now she'll just be going up and down the family's long driveway."

Recent reports claimed Tom and his wife, Katie Holmes, would be trying for another baby in 2010. "Both Tom and Katie desperately want a little brother or sister for Suri and they don't want to leave it too late," dished the loose-lipped insider. "Tom would like a son but either way there could be some happy news very soon."]

Of course Suri has a car that exceeds my annual salary. Why wouldn't she? Meanwhile let's take the "loose-lipped insider" to task, who also probably makes a great deal more than all of us combined. Why? Because the insider with flappy gums is most likely Tom himself. Cruise needs to admit the only thing Katie is "desperate" for is freedom.

[Photo Credit: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, for old time's sake. You're welcome, shorty.]

If Holly Madison Had Been Able To Hang In There Just A Little Longer...

hefner-wedding-people-mag-cvr.jpgLooks like Holly Madison's wish for Hugh Hefner to be a free man will finally be granted - albeit too little, too late. It was no secret that Holly wanted to marry Hef - whether out of true love or digging for a certain gold-colored mineral was never made clear *ahem*. But there was always a hitch. Hef, despite being separated from second wife Kimberly Conrad for over a decade, had never officially gone through with a divorce. What a difference a few more years makes! Hugh, who had been more than generous with Kimberly, apparently took offense to a certain lawsuit Conrad sent his way. I guess that's all it took for divorce to finally set in! Details from Janet Charlston's Hollywood via Celebslam

[Another reminder that the world of Playboy isn't what it used to be. Hugh Hefner is finally in the process of divorcing his wife Kimberley Conrad (they've been separated for ten years.) It all started when Hugh gave Kimberly nine months to move out of the mansion next door to his so he could sell it. She sued him for half the price of the house and he filed for divorce. He's been supporting the former Playmate in high style all these years but that's apparently over. Kimberley was seen flying alone in COACH class on Southwest Airlines from Reno to LAX, where she had to collect and schlep her own luggage. No more private jets or bodyguards. She did not look happy- or glamorous- according to another passenger, she kept a knit cap pulled down and wore a bulky coat. Incidentally, her two sons with Hef, Marston and Cooper, are both in college and Hef continues to support them.]

I was under the assumption that all of Southwest was "coach class." I also assumed Holly wasn't the brightest bulb, but it turns out she might have some competition in Kimberly! Who would fuck up a decade-long free ride? 

Fun notes: Don't forget about the "Name Jennifer Aniston's Mexican Restaurant" contest! Click here for details. Just because the eatery is not happening doesn't mean we can't enjoy ourselves. Panty Line Press is currently posting Monday thru Friday, but you're welcome to email or Tweet me anytime. I look forward to seeing you back here January 11th. xo

Taylor Squared May Have Been Fake? Say It Isn't So!

taylor-lautner-and-taylor-swift-kissing-on-set1.jpgWatch as my reality gets shredded at the seams! The pairing of Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner always seemed a little too convenient. Cute - yes. Real - not so much. These two 'tween stars had as much chemistry as iceberg lettuce and a crisper drawer. Though, to be fair, the bar for public displays of affection have been set pretty high with Miley Cyrus on the scene! It turns out even seventeen year olds are possibly grist for the publicity mill. Check it out, via Ted Casblanca's Awful Truth

[Last night in L.A., Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner made their first public appearance together (sorta) since their holiday breakup.

Everyone, close friends included, knew Tay-Squared wasn't going to last, since the relaysh was more out of convenience than romance. So how did the two teen stars interact at last night's People's Choice Awards when the cameras weren't rolling?

We all know that Miss Swift and her mother graciously gave Tay-Tay a standing ovation when he won his People's Choice Award for favorite breakthrough actor. But was it all for show? Sources inside the theater tell us the former "lovebirds" didn't interact at all.

In fact, when Swift made her belated entrance to the awards show during a commercial break, the audience went wild for the country star--but Lautner didn't even look up! Don't think it was a dig at his former girl, though; it was so loud and crazy in there he prob just didn't even know what was going on. Right? Right.

The two stars were seated in the same section but at opposite ends from each other, so they didn't really get the opportunity to chat. Neither exactly went out of their way, though. Lautner left the show shortly after accepting his award, and Swift stayed until she won for favorite female artist, near the end of the PCAs.

Taylor insiders insist there is no bad blood between these two cuties, 'tho. We imagine that's just because neither of them really cares that much! Wish more Hollywood breakups would go this smoothly.]

I can't take the shock. Next up someone will be trying to convince me that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise aren't really in love...

[Photo Credit]

Ashley Greene Would Not Be Banned

Ashley_Greene_In_Body_Paint_Bikini_main-333x500.jpgAshley Greene, of Twilight fame, was recently seen cavorting on the beach wearing nothing but body paint. Sure, it was for a Sobe sponsored Sports Illustrated shoot - but I like to pretend that she was going rogue on Hollywood in an attempt to take Kendra Wilkinson's place at the Playboy Mansion. (Kendra famously caught Hugh Hefner's eye while sporting body paint at a party. Link mildly NSFW.) Who cares what she was doing when she's safe in the knowledge that she'll never get kicked off Beautiful People. And really, isn't that all that matters? Details, via Gone Hollywood

[A dating website, Beautiful People, has banned over over 5000 members because they apparently gained too much weight over the holidays. The website has about 500,000 members, all of whom have to go through a ridiculous sign up process. In order to be given access to the website they must be voted by other members on whether they are beautiful or not.

But the site has now changed the approval process by making members of the opposite sex only able to vote on each other, apparently a lot of women were voting other women out so they could cut down on the competition.

Robert Hintze, who founded the website, said "As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld, Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded."

Gred Hodge, the managing director of the website says, "We were getting a lot of complaints from members who were meeting with people who gained a lot of weight or who gained weight in their photo albums."]

"Letting fatties roam the site" - I wish Robert could be more direct. It's comforting to know that a big pile of prejudice is waiting just around the corner from the holidays. If by "high standards" Robert means "complete assholes," then I think the website it doing an excellent job.

[Photo Credit: Click on the photo link for Ashley's Sports Illustrated/Sobe picture gallery. Is it worth it to mention the irony that Ashley successfully blocked nude photos that were almost leaked on the web - and then agreed to this campaign?]

There's Always Time For A Movie Montage

I knew someone was going to take the heat in order to help promote the sequel to Sex & The City: The Movie. When the first film was released, photos were conveniently leaked of Kristin Davis in a very compromising position. (Link NSFW.) Now comes the news that Mannequin, Kim Cattrall's embarrassing ode to the eighties, is in the works. Sure, it's not a close-up photo of a blowjob - but it might as well be. Details, via PopCrunch

[Get ready for Mannequin: The RemakeMannequin starred Sex & The City's Kim Cattrall as an Egyptian princess trapped in the body of showroom dummy who comes to life and falls in love with Andrew McCartney's awkward department store window designer. Panned by the critics when it was released in 1987, Mannequin went on to become a cult classic. Hollywood insiders tell Moviehole.net that Gladden Entertainment is in the early stages of producing a Mannequin remake with the new version featuring a lonely man who falls for a "laser display hologram."

WTF? What is the meaning of this? Have we learned nothing from the craptacular mess that was Mannequin 2? That feature came out in 1991 and was dubbed "one of the worst follow-ups ever made."]

All I know is that the miraculous re-interest in this flick will give Kim ample opportunity to shrug sheepishly while soaking up the spotlight. Not that any of the fabulous four from Sex & The City need any help with promotion - ladies will be flocking to the theater in droves on May 28th without needing to be provoked. 

Speaking of remakes... rumor has it that Madonna was recently seen dining with her first ex-husband, Sean Penn! Details, via Evil Beet

[Madonna's been out of the spotlight for what now, like, forty-five seconds so natch, she has to pull this kind of stunt in order to gain some relevant credibility.

She and ex-husband Sean Penn were spotted yesterday on a three-and-a-half hour siesta [sic] that involved eating and drinking and God knows what else. Madonna split with Guy Ritchie last year and Penn's on-again, off-again divorce was filed this past summer from fellow actress Robin Wright so ... do the math. I guess that means it's high time for another crazy, drug- and alcohol-fueled display of obsessive affection, don't you?]

I wouldn't put it past a publicist to release something embarrassing to stir up conversation about a client - and I definitely wouldn't put it past Madonna to reunite with Sean (even for an afternoon) to get people chattering about her. Well done - it's working right now!

Detective Work Looks Hard

Elin Nordegren (Tiger's soon-to-be ex-wife) and Keanu Reeves have something in common - they're both shapeshifters! I feel like we're getting to see Harry Potter played out in real life - just look at all the magic. First Keanu used his powers of inhabiting others for a diabolic use by impregnating Karen Sala four times and then skipping back to Hollywood. Then Elin came along and one-upped Reeves by becoming not one, but two people. Take that, Keanu! Elin, according to most tabloids, was in the French Alps and Florida - on the same day. If she was willing to be so many women at once when she was with Tiger, maybe they wouldn't be getting divorced. 

Keanu Reeves Is A Sexy, Shapeshifting Magician!

Thumbnail image for karen-sala-keanu-reeves-seperate-pics.jpegThe paternity suit between Keanu Reeves and the bat-shit crazy Karen Sala has been settled. And, guess what? Keanu isn't the daddy! No big surprise there. But wait, maybe he is... Details, via E! Online

[Reason--and Keanu Reeves--have won out as a Canadian judge has dismissed the paternity suit on the grounds that it's just too out there. Still, while the claims may be beyond unfathomable to everyone else, Graham has no doubt Karen Sala believes them to be true.

"It is evident she believes her allegations even if they are patently unbelievable to an objective observer." Though what she lacked in proof and reality-based coherence, she more than made up for with shock factor.

Claim No. 1: Keanu Reeves knows kung fu hypnosis. Forget foolproof facts and science, Sala had a perfectly reasonable explanation for how Reeves managed to pass the DNA test: He used hypnosis to tamper with the results. So convinced is she of the cheating tactic, Sala requested that Reeves be made to undergo a second round of tests, to which the actor's lawyer unsurprisingly refused.

"It's much more invasive than...photographs of him on the beach," Lorne Wolfson said, adding that, should the DNA fall into the wrong hands (e.g., Sala's), it could make for a gross invasion of privacy.

Claim No. 2: Keanu Reeves is a master of disguise. Try calling him wooden now! According to Sala, the actor has used both hypnosis and an apparent mastery of shape-shifting to pass himself off as different people, including Sala's ex-husband. As for why Reeves would do such a thing? Why, in order to secretly cohabitate with Sala and be present at the births of her children, of course.

Sala, however, refuses to accept the possibility that it may actually have been her ex-husband, not the A-list actor, with whom she shared a home. She also refuses to produce her children's birth certificates or have her ex, who is listed as the kids' father in their divorce proceedings, undergo a DNA test to prove his paternity.

"Her evidence is, at best, incredible," Wolfson said. "There is clearly no triable issue." As for the home-sharing claim, Wolfson said Reeves "hasn't cohabitated with the applicant for a minute, let alone three years."

Claim No. 3: Keanu Reeves is not Keanu Reeves. Theirs is a bond clearly steeped in history. Sala claims she has known the actor since she was 4 years old, alleging that he grew up just down the street from her. The hitch was, according to Sala, that back then Reeves was going by the name Marty Spencer (he wasn't). She claimed it was only years later that she connected them as the same man (they aren't).

"I didn't know he was Keanu Reeves," she said. "To me he was Marty Spencer." It is with Spencer/Reeves that she claims she carried on a sexual relationship before, during and after her marriage.]

Though Keanu Reeves is known for such blockbusters as Point Break and Speed, clearly his most outstanding role was as a shapeshifting rogue named Marty Spencer. And, to see photos of Karen, it's clear why he would do anything and everything to be with the blonde stunner. Case: closed. 

[Photo Credit]

And While We're On The Subject Of Responsibility...

It's official - Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have now been married four months. Wow, how have they hung on that long? Isn't the fourth month the point where the relationship becomes work and "the real you" comes out? Oh wait, that's years. I forget that they Kardashians and I have different vocabularies and timelines. And Khloe's marriage timeline must be on steroids. Despite barely knowing each other, the crazy twosome have decided it's time to have a baby. Well, at least Lamar has allegedly decided it's time to have another child - and that's all that matters! Details, via Crazy Days & Nights

[Yesterday she [Khloe] was on Valentine In The Morning and talked about the possibility of getting pregnant.
It turns out that she is not taking any form of contraceptive which is bad enough on its own because the world doesn't need any more Kardashians. However it turns out that she isn't even sure she is ready to have a baby but Lamar Odom wants one and I'm sure E! would love her to have one.

"Lamar wants to start having children tomorrow. He already has two beautiful children, Destiny and Lamar Jr., but he can't wait for me to have kids and form this new family. I know how happy he would be, and I'd love to have kids. But ideally I want to wait at least until we've settled into our new house."

And by settled she means getting to know the guy she has known for a few months. The last thing this world needs other than more Kardashians are more babies who are not really wanted by their parents. I am still not convinced Kourtney is all that thrilled about having a baby. Khloe seems even less prepared.]

At least she now knows the names of her stepchildren - that's a start! I would like to see three things happen this month - 

1.) For Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick to have a quick, but wildly expensive, wedding.
2.) For Khloe and Lamar to announces that "they" are pregnant. 
3.) Watch Kim Kardashian's head explode with jealousy after 1 and 2 come to fruition. 

A Role Model For Whom?

miley-cyrus-and-liam-hemsworth-kissing-photos.jpgMiley Cyrus is not yet an adult, but apparently she's very much a woman. Though the pop-tart is only seventeen years-old, she's already on her second live-in boyfriend. Say what? Details from The National Enquirer, via Celebitchy

[The 17-year-old Hannah Montana star recently moved hunky Australian actor Liam Hemsworth into her family's Toluca Lake, Calif., home - after informing her parent's she'd move out if she didn't get her way! "In the end, Billy Ray and Miley's mom, Tish, decided they'd rather have Miley under their roof with Liam than not knowing where she is at night," a family friend told The Enquirer. But they did insist on separate bedrooms!]

Insisting on separate bedrooms? How about insisting on separate residences? This is insane. I'm no Miley fan by any means, but I can't even blame her for this one. Clearly her folks, Billy Ray and Tish, are more terrified of losing Miley's money than they are Miley herself. The parents are still in charge of providing boundaries and rules at this age. To not do so is actually a detriment to Miley, as it would be to any other child. Besides they're robbing her of a basic teen ritual - a hot date of fast food and sex in the back of a car. 

[Photo Credit: Get a room, you two! Oh, wait...]

It's Contest Time!

I have a fresh, factory-sealed copy of Jennifer Aniston's movie, Management - and it can be yours! Unlike certain people who shall not be named (Psst, click here to get the name), I'll let you know that I received this DVD for free with no paid promotional consideration. I guess my sex tape wasn't racy enough to vault me to the heights of a Tweeting Kardashian. That's okay, my time will come. Anyway, the lovely Ms. Jennifer Aniston is supposedly opening a Mexican restaurant in New York City. So, let's help her name it! Submit your ideas to me at jenna@pantylinepress.com or on Twitter between now and January 14th. The top ten will be posted on PLP January 15th and the top pick will receive the coveted copy of the film. Have fun!

There's Nothing Like Lingering Genitalia

Forget Jenny From The Block - this interviewer on Paranormal State is the one who deserves an Oscar. Seriously, I don't know how this guy kept a straight face. Here's more from The Soup

[Paranormal State's diligent team of haunt investigators has taken on some frightening assignments, but this case offers something truly shocking. A distraught blonde lady has experienced something entering her bedroom, and laying down upon her. She even felt genitalia. So is it a horndog from beyond the grave--or is Tiger Woods making house calls?]

Sometimes it's the simple things that can make one's day - this clip definitely made mine. I've watched it at least three times already and plan on continuing to indulge before the day is through. I guess that's why I never succeed at those cleansing thingys - I'm on a steady diet of trash. Speaking of Tiger Woods, because aren't we always these days, there's more scandal a-brewing. Details, via What Would Tyler Durden Do

[Tiger Woods regularly paid to watch girl-girl sex, had three-way sex with professional escorts and even consensual sex with other men, according to a little tattle-tale named Loredana Jolie. The one time Playboy model now big-nosed prostitute offers no proof of her claims, but will sell the story to the highest bidder. Stuff like this is why I almost never have three ways with prostitutes any more.]

More info here, if you're curious. I guess it's payday for anyone willing to crawl out of the woodwork and chat about whatever random tidbits come to mind. That would, in fact, describe the entire Tiger story in a nutshell.

Ass Master

I'm never clear on what Gwyneth Paltrow means when she claims to have "overindulged" during the holidays; but I'm pretty sure it's very different from you and me. Well, at least me. She probably got spicy on Christmas Day and allowed herself some organic (creamy!) dressing on her handpicked salad. Anyways, all the tomfoolery of the holidays are behind us. It's time to get those colons sparkling, people! Details from The Huffington Post

[It's that time of year when Gwyneth bemoans her holiday overindulgence and sets out to reverse the damage. As usual she's sharing her detox program through her newsletter, GOOP, so that everyone can suffer along with her. This year Gwyneth recommends a juice fast from her friend's health food store Organic Avenue. During the first week of January 2009, Gwyneth recommended an elimination diet, complete with herbal laxatives to accelerate sluggish bowel movements. Which of Gwyneth's detox programs will you be using to rid yourself of holiday weight gain?]

And a little more, from GOOP herself: 

[For all of us resolution detoxers who want to start the year anew, I have asked Doug Evans and Denise Mari, co-founders of New York City's fantastic Organic Avenue to contribute his knowledge. I discovered Organic Avenue a few years ago through a girlfriend who was about to do one of their fasts, and I joined her on the 5 day program. The result was pretty amazing and the juices and smoothies (esp. the coconut mylk and the cacao smoothie) were so delicious that I imbibe them whenever I'm in NYC. They make a cleanse easy with different degrees of gnarlyness and home delivery if you are in manhattan. If you aren't, like me, Denise Mari, the juice guru has given us some recipes for a DIY fast.]

Muy perfecto, Gwyneth. I have a feeling sunshine would burst forth from her asshole, should she choose to go Penthouse Pet on us. Lest we pick solely on Paltrow, another favorite has also taken some heat recently for doling out the diet advice. Megan Fox recently revealed that she drinks vinegar as cleansing aid. Turns out that old trick might not be all it's cracked up to be. Details, via PopCrunch

[That Megan Fox just can't catch a break: The Transformers star -- who only last week was voted the "Sexiest Worst Actress of 2009″ -- has been blasted by health experts for hailing the benefits of swigging vinegar. Dieticians have warned weight loss junkies against taking advice from the simple-minded stunner. "It just cleanses out your system entirely...It will get rid of ... for women who retain water weight from your menstrual cycle and all that ... it gets rid of it really fast," Megan recently revealed when quizzed about how she keeps her famous body in tip-top shape. "I'm not one for dieting or exercising, because I'm lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while 'cause of the amount of sugar I take in."

However, experts have pooh-poohed Megan's claims as rubbish, insisting there is not a single form of vinegar in existence that will help dieters lose weight. "As attractive as it sounds, there is no magic pill, lotion or potion for a quick fix to weight loss," dietician Lucy Jones explained in a interview with The Sun this week. "The body, including the liver, is a well-oiled detoxing machine, which will not be improved by vinegar, whether it be organic, apple cider, unfiltered, or your bog-standard malt vinegar."]

I like the thought of the body as a "well-oiled detox machine." Or was I thinking of Megan Fox's body well-oiled? Now I'm just confused. 

MiMi Is On A Roll, Y'All!

I'm not a Mariah Carey fan, but she's tops on my list for allegedly drunken acceptance speeches. Is that a horse tranquilizer or a vitamin? Is it champagne or sparkling water? Gah! Don't bother the diva with details. Hot on the heels of Mariah's *interesting* speech at the Palm Springs International Film Festival comes the People's Choice Awards. Woot woot - no time to put down the bubbly! A few details, via PopCrunch

[Mimi's still blaming it on the alcohol. The seemingly sloshed songstress shimmed on stage in an eye-popping gown to make a second odd statement as she accepted the Favorite R&B Artist gong at last night's 2010 People's Choice Awards. This comes just days after Mariah slurred her way through a similar speech at the Palm Springs Film Festival Gala!]

Click here to see the Film Festival podium antics. Hee-larious. Of course, it's not all about Mariah. Don't tell her that though, her head would explode. Anyways, quite a few other celebrities also had a turn to pick up a coveted People's Choice Award. Check out the awesome I'm Bringing Blogging Back for photos of the event, as well as the complete list of winners. And here's hoping MiMi takes the stage at the Oscars - let's get interesting!

Russell Brand Goes All Fabio On Katy Perry's Ass

Thumbnail image for katy-perry-russell-brand-taj-mahal-twit-pic.jpgRussell Brand must have a secret stash of Harlequin romance novels tucked away in his London pad. In fact, he must have studied that shit like he was trying to get into medical school by absorbing the knowledge between the pages. We all know that Russell and Katy Perry are engaged, after four blissful months of dating, but now we're privy to how it all went down. That's what she said. Details from The Sun, via Bunny With Fangs!

[The star planned every detail of the New Year's Eve encounter - right down to what his wife-to-be would wear. Earlier in the day he took Katy to an ancient fort and bought her a £600 traditional Indian dress for the night.

A hotel worker said: "He had organised a special dining experience. We set a table in a garden with candles everywhere. They arrived in a horse and carriage with a glass of champagne and we served them dinner. At midnight they enjoyed fireworks while sitting on an elephant, which Mr Brand specially requested. Then they were taken to the Mughal Garden - which was decorated by flowers and candlelight. Mr Brand had given his butler the diamond ring to hide among the flowers. Miss Perry found it, he proposed, and she immediately said 'Yes'. After that they requested 45 minutes' privacy. They looked like they were beautifully in love."

Following the proposal Russell, clad in black jeans and a black shirt, took his fiancee back to the presidential suite, where they could enjoy the sunken Jacuzzi and circular bed.

Rumors are circulating that the couple will be married within the next 6 months. Brand's manager will be his best man and Katy's guest list will include Rihanna and Taylor Swift.]

I love the specified "45 minutes of privacy." As if this story wasn't filled with more than we ever needed to know. It's gonna be a bitch when reality intrudes on their lives, but in the meantime it sounds like a blast. There is already trouble in paradise - mine, that is. Let's just say there was no elephant involved when my fiance proposed to me...

[Photo Credit: He built this for me!]

Adios Privates Jets - Hello Reality

lindsay-lohan-private-jet-to-st-bart.jpgLindsay Lohan reportedly had to fly home via a commercial airline recently (with the aid of a rental car, no less) - and she was not amused! LaLohan is not taking well to leaving the rarefied air behind. Oh, the humanity - literally! Details, via The Huffington Post

[After a busy holiday weekend of photographing herself in a bikini and partying with Moammar Gaddafi's violent son in St. Barts, Lindsay Lohan is back in New York. The trip home wasn't easy on her.

A private jet delivered Lindsay to a private yacht last week, so how did she end up braving flight delays, security checkpoints and crowded terminals with the masses?

Last Thursday Lindsay flew to St. Barts in luxury with now-former best friend mop-haired stylist Patrick Aufdenkamp and another friend, Jessica Schul. The trio rang in the New Year together, but Lindsay's resolution for a drama-free 2010 fell through before the trip was over. Patrick allegedly betrayed Lindsay by stealing her sketches for her upcoming 6126 line. He denied the charges, claiming he is "way too creative of an individual" to do something so foolish. "Everyone will know the truth soon enough," he tweeted.

Anyway, the former BFFs made their way back to the US separately and while Patrick landed in JFK to cheers of "Team Patrick!," Lindsay's trip didn't go so smoothly.

"Us Airways - don't fly them," she warned Tuesday afternoon before missing her connecting flight from Charlotte to New York, a move for which she would be punished with ten hours in the passenger seat of a Hertz rental car with nothing but Sirius radio to entertain her.]

Click here for more information, including Lohan's travelogue and Tweets. Of course she Twittered about it - the world hasn't ended yet! Lindsay's trip home doesn't surprise me as much as the fact that she was invited in the first place. Although it does kind of make sense, with the amount of celebrities who were also in attendance at this crazy, ill-advised party. They were probably hoping Lohan would do something nutso to distract from the rest of the naughty that was supposedly going down. Plan = fail. 

[Photo Credit: Private jets rock - I assume.]

It's A Nice Day For A Pink Wedding

paris_hilton_naked_mic.jpgParis Hilton is a master of subtlety, as we all know. It might be difficult for her boyfriend/pet, Doug "El Douche" Reinhardt to pick up on these little clues of what his "lady" wants - especially with heavily veiled hints like this: 

[Onetime party girl Paris Hilton is making the ultimate New Year's resolution: to settle down with her beau of nearly a year, Doug Reinhardt. "We've been together a year now and never spend a night apart," Paris told Life & Style's Kevin Dickson in an exclusive interview on Dec. 28. "He's truly become my best friend. He makes me feel like a princess every day."

In fact, Paris reveals, she's ready to feel like the ultimate princess -- by walking down the aisle as a blushing bride. "I wouldn't rule out a wedding in 2010," she says. "With how amazing everything is going between us, I see a very bright and happy future."
Doug, 25, is already lavishing Paris with attention -- and gifts galore. "Doug and I have shared so many amazing and special moments," Paris gushes. (via Life & Style)]

Do those "special moments" include the screaming matches where the cops where called? Nothing signifies "amazing" like when the LAPD shows up. I can't decide who gives better blow jobs, Paris or Life & Style. Meanwhile, the "onetime party gal" who has "shared so many amazing and special moments" with "Doug" will have to work extra hard to get her wedding-plan point across. I don't think a lip-glossed press release will do the trick. I'm talking about some tequila and a sharp shovel blow to the head. When Doug (or Paris - I can't decide which one) comes to, he/she will already be at the church. Bingo - nuptials sans shotguns or pesky, laboriously placed "idea generators." 

[Photo Credit: I don't want to spoil it, but I think this is her bridal gown.]

Is That A Washing Machine? Because I See A Spin Cycle!

tyra-banks-main-wikipedia.jpgRemember that little announcement regarding Tyra Banks talk show? The former catwalk queen said she was exiting her "popular" chat-fest in favor of focusing on other projects. Well, it turns out that may not entirely be the case... Details, via Celebslam

[Late last month Tyra Banks announced that she was ending her talk show, Me Me Me Me Me Me The Tyra Banks Show, after the current season so she can focus more on her reality show America's Next Top Model as well as start a new production company. I hate to be so blunt here, but you dirty lying whore. That shit got canceled.]

I'm all for blunt! A little more information from Janet Charleton's Hollywood, also via Celebslam

[Sure, she'd like you to think she's walking away - but Tyra GOT CANCELLED. On Monday she called her staffers together for a meeting and made the announcement that the show was cancelled. Tyrannical Tyra does NOT treat her employees well like Oprah does- they were the last to know. She's always given them chintzy Christmas gifts and this year they got pink slips. She told everyone to get their resumes together. An insider told us the show was cancelled simply because it cost too much - it never recovered financially from the move from LA to NY that Tyra insisted on, plus Tyra's salary was huge.]

Well, all that generosity will surely pay off for Tyra! Nothing gets people wishing you goodwill for your next venture like being a chintzy bitch. Meanwhile, at least her laundry will come out crispy clean with all that spin her peeps are gonna have to do with this mess...

Happy Birthday, Panty Line Press!

Thumbnail image for angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-oscars-2009-wikipedia.jpgToday marks the one year anniversary of Panty Line Press! Yes, on this day in 2009 I somehow deluded myself into believing that the Internet was in great need of my opinions. I apologize for the self-referential post, but I just want to say that it's been a thrill to serve you in the name of "Gossip Commentary." Over the course of 1,872 posts I've learned a lot of lessons and had a lot of fun. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I appreciate each and every reader who spends their valuable time perusing PLP. I hope to continuing growing with this project - in skill, not in ass size. It's a dangerous occupation, sitting all day in a cushy office chair! Please feel free to drop me a line via jenna@pantylinepress.com if there are any stories or celebs you'd like to read about. Your opinion counts here and I'll do my best to provide things that are of interest to you! Click here to read the post that started it all. And, much like Tiger Woods said to his stable of ladies, I hope you keep coming back - again, and again, and again... xo, Jenna

[Photo Credit: It all begins and ends - and begins again with Brangelina, bitches! Say what you will about Angelina Jolie - and, believe me, I have - but that sexy beast is my bread-n-butter.]

Proof Of A Higher Power

amanda-bynes-twitter-011-500x296.jpgThis what Amanda Bynes posted on her Twitter page recently - from a Maxim photo shoot. I wish there were more of a story here, but the short version is that I could not resist this picture. Here's the summation, in Amanda's own words via her Twitter

[i did a sexy "pin up-y" photoshoot & article for the February issue of Maxim magazine. :) boy oh boy it was fun :)]

I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think her middle name is "Eloquent." Oh well, this is what America is made for - hot chicks in their early twenties and the rest of us that like looking at them. I used to love her for She's The Man, but I think this pic just took the top spot. 

Dope Oscar Winnin'

j-lo-latina-mag-cvr.jpgBecause that's what the Academy would have to be on to give her one. Jennifer Lopez, part-time actress and full-time asshole, believes she was robbed of an Oscar. Seriously. Here're the details - you're gonna need them to be able to wrap your head around this conundrum. Ladies and gents, presenting the interview that started it all from Latina Magazine, via Litely Salted

[I feel like I had that [Oscar worthy role] in El Cantante, but I don't even think the academy members saw it. I feel like it's their responsibility to do that, to see everything that's out there, everything that could be great."

"Well, it is a little bit frustrating. It was funny; when the Oscars were on, I had just given birth on the 22nd, and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later. I was sitting there with my twins--I couldn't have been happier--but I was like, 'How dope would it have been if I would've won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award?' 'Thank you so much! I just want to thank the academy!']

It must be difficult to be a guy involved with J.Lo - she's got bigger balls than any man I know. By the way Academy, apparently you're not doing you're job - according to Jennifer. Clearly Maid in Manhattan didn't suitably tip you off to the stellar acting skillz of Diva de la Lopez. For shame!

[Latina Magazine Cover: Is this a similar case to the "Who stole Demi Moore's hip?" controversy - except this time involving abs and ass?]

She Gives New Meaning To The Term "Sauced"

Dude! If this is what Mariah Carey is willing to bring to an awards ceremony podium, then I absolutely insist that she win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. "Supporting" apparently being the operative word. Mariah was in Palm Springs last night and, from the looks of the video above, she mistook several bottles of champagne for water. Details, via The Huffington Post

[Mariah Carey lived up to her sometimes loopy reputation at the Palm Springs International Film Festival awards gala as the teetering diva gave a long, rambling acceptance speech after being named Breakthrough Actress for her performance in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire."

Carey, in a skin-tight, black-beaded full-length Herve Leger gown, was escorted onto the stage Tuesday night, and at the podium, greeted her presenter and "Precious" director Lee Daniels with a little dance and a big hug.

Carey hesitated for a few seconds, looked to the ceiling, sighed and said, "Please forgive me, because I'm a little bit, um ..." An audience member finished the sentence for her with an obscenity, to which Carey replied, "Yeah!" adding a long, hearty laugh.]

It's going to be a race for me to gain enough credibility in Hollywood to be able to vote in time for the upcoming Academy Awards, but I'm going to do it. It's the lengths I'm willing to go in order to provide you with optimum entertainment - and if it includes personal sacrifice, then so be it. 

Umm, Did They Think She Wouldn't Notice?

Thumbnail image for non-approved-michelle-obama-peta-ad.jpg

It seems that PETA is more than willing to consistently burn through any goodwill they may earn. This time the alleged bad behavior has gone all the way to the top - PETA's anti-fur campaign included Michelle Obama, without her consent. She's the first-freakin'-lady of the United States! Did the animal rights organization think no one would notice if they used Michelle's image without her permission? Details, via Gone Hollywood:

[The White House didn't take too kindly to the ad, which was released today shows Carrie Underwood, Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey and Tyra Banks along with the slogan "Fur-Free and Fabulous!" Semonti Stephens, a spokeswoman for the First Lady said "we did not consent." She then went on to say that "Mrs. Obama does not wear fur."

PETA are now using this to their advantage and saying "the fact is that Michelle Obama has issued a statement indicating that she doesn't wear fur, and the world should know that in PETA's eyes, that makes her pretty fabulous."]

Of course this is the group that infamously urged Ben&Jerry's to use breast milk instead of cow milk in their ice cream - so, you know credibility isn't exactly their bag. It really is a shame because the impetus of the cause is a good one. Unfortunately today brings another swarm of negative, albeit free, publicity.

[Photo Credit: Obviously First Lady Obama did not consent to be in this ad. I wonder which of the other celebs in this lineup also were surprised to see their image released today?]

Where Sienna Miller Feared To Tread

Actually Sienna Miller was ready to tread all over it, per usual! I had honestly forgotten about the big Robin Hood remake. However this preview jogged my memory, not only of the soon-promised blockbuster, but of Sienna's famous "firing" as well! Read this interesting tidbit from almost one year ago, via The Daily Mail

[It is a role that traditionally lends itself to women on the thin side. But after being hired to play Maid Marian in a forthcoming Robin Hood remake, Sienna Miller has now been dumped from the role.

The 26-year-old actress was reportedly too thin for the part and there were fears should would make co-star Russell Crowe look bad during some of the intimate scenes. Crowe, 44, has not shed the four stone he gained for his role in the recent Body Of Lies, where he played a former journalist who hunts down terrorists from his armchair.

Fearing his older, gutsier Robin would look 'laughable' alongside her petit Marian, Miller was canned from 'Nottingham', a £110million remake of the Robin Hood tale. An insider told the New York Post: 'It is a mess. Russell never lost the weight he put on for Body Of Lies and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He's so old and fat and she's so young and gorgeous.

'Word is that producers are "looking for an older, plumper actress to play the role so Crowe doesn't look like a paunchy grandpa. Someone in her late 30s or early 40s".' Things just seem to be going from bad to worse for Sienna Miller of late.

In November she was dropped from Guy Ritchie's movie Sherlock Holmes - apparently after her ex, Jude Law, agreed to play Dr Watson. She also faced a torrent of criticism over her affair with married billionaire Balthazar Getty, 33.]

Oh, what a difference a year makes! Is it ironic that Jude and Sienna reunited in time for the Sherlock Holmes premiere (though, admittedly, he didn't take her to the red carpet event)? I guess she didn't hold any hard feelings about being dropped from the film. She's getting something else hard from Jude, so I'm sure that cancels out the grumpies! Now, my only question is - how does recasting the role of Maid Marion with Cate Blanchett fulfill the "older, plumper" requirement?

Kate Gosselin: From Porcupine To Mullet

kate-gosselin-hair-ext-people-mag-cvr.jpgKate Gosselin is claiming a "clean slate." Apparently this new beginning comes with new hair - in the form of obvious extensions. Some of us kick off January with simple dietary things like not drinking or putting an end to cheese abuse. Sure, you may feel like shooting yourself - but your liver and colon are cheering! Others, it appears, choose to line Paris Hilton's pockets and invest in Dream Catchers. To each her own. Details from Fox News 411, via Celebitchy

[It's not that we didn't want to like Kate Gosselin's new look on the cover of People magazine, where she triumphantly declares "I'm starting over." But as human beings with functioning eyeballs, we simply couldn't get past the terrible look of her new long hair weave, complete with highlights and short layers.

And while we never thought this was possible, it appears her new hair is, shockingly, worse than the porcupine cut for which she has become famous. Not only does it look horribly fake, but Gosselin still seems to have the same short cut as always, only this time she has one massive hair-piece attached to the back of it.

"It's good to have hair again," Kate tells People. "I never thought I'd have short hair for as long as I did. I feel like this is a fresh start, a fresh me, a fresh life." Later, she refers to herself as the new "Kate Clean Slate." "I'm rebuilding. There's no option for this not to be a good year. Now I get to start over with a new self and new goals."]

I love that she puts her name first in front of "clean slate" - despite the fact that, as Celebitchy pointed out, "Clean Slate Kate" flows much better. Kate, you can glue all the extra human hair to your skull that you want - it still will not erase the dirty of a decade of sexual intercourse with Jon Gosselin. Sure, Skeevemeister kept it in his pants for the majority of your union - but he was always lurking...

[People Magazine Cover]

Kardashian Soft Porn

AHahahaha! Oh, the horrible night's sleep I had just vanished in the light of these sexy Kardashian shenanigans. I'm literally pissing myself over here. Click play and see if you don't feel the same! Kim and Khloe Kardashian will challenge you with the question, "Do you feel sexy?" And to that I reply, "No, but I do believe I lost a few pounds while laughing my ass off at this commercial." So, in short, Quick Trim works!


I try my hardest to avoid the mess that is Tila Tequila, but sometimes she crops up. Tila, as I'm sure you know, is the hot-wreck reality star who looooves making a spectacle of herself. In the last month of 2009 she was in the news for saying Jessica Simpson was not good enough for Billy Corgan, claiming she was going to be a surrogate for her brother and his wife, and getting engaged to Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson. Those are just a few of the highlights, mind you. Well, Casey didn't make it down the aisle with Tila. Unfortunately, she barely even made it past 30. Johnson, the troubled wild child, was found dead in LA yesterday. Rumors are rampant that it was caused by an overdose. RIP, Casey. Can we safely say that no one, man or woman, should date Tila Tequila? Trouble follows that girl like the plague. 

I Don't Think Justin Timberlake's Gonads Have Descended

I have a deeper voice than Justin Timberlake. That means either I have more testosterone than him, or his balls have yet to drop. Either, or both, could be the case. At any rate, the YouTube clip above (via Lainey Gossip) is JT's attempt at "acting." Too bad Crazy Hearts isn't a comedy, because this would earn him some gold. Apparently Justin thinks his chops are more important than charity. Hmmm. Details, via Lainey Gossip

[He said he would climb Kilimanjaro for charity, then his girlfriend decided to tag along, but he got booked for a movie so he backed out, and since she doesn't get booked for sh-t, she had to keep at it. Along with Emile Hirsch who was confirmed yesterday as the "surprise" celebrity. Buzz kill.
So Jessica Biel left for the week-long expedition yesterday after spending the holiday with the Pip [Justin] in Colorado.]

Frankly, I think Timberlake would have been better off strapping on his hiking boots. Who knows - perhaps knocking around the mountains would help deepen that Disney-fied N'Sync voice of his. Dumping charity work in favor of working on a film is no way to endear him to Hollywood royalty. At least Brangelina get their hands dirty!

I Wonder How This Will Get Spun?

I don't have too many words for this situation. I think the video speaks for itself - this is bullshit. All we can be lead to assume is that either Beyonce's people didn't do any research about the person she was performing for - or it didn't matter because they wanted the money. Click here for an excellent summary of this event by Entertainment Lawyer at Crazy Days & Nights. It's pretty shocking stuff - definitely worth the read. And, in case you think we're being too hard on Beyonce, I'd also be happy to slap Mariah Carey on the wrist. She took the same gig last year and nabbed $1 million for her "trouble."

There's Not Enough Kleenex In The World To Dry These Eyes

katy-perry-russell-brand-taj-mahal-twit-pic.jpgSay it isn't so! Rumor has that, as suspected, Russell Brand proposed to Katy Perry over the holidays. And, as expected, she eagerly said yes. This means Katy is bogarting the "legendary swordsman" - and that does not bode well for her pussy karma. Then again, Russell is claiming those heaving (natural!) breasts as his own - so I guess they cancel each other out. My bad. Details, via Us Magazine

[He kissed a girl, and she liked it: Katy Perry and Russell Brand are engaged, sources confirm exclusively to UsMagazine.com. The wacky pair -- who've been dating since September 2009 -- became betrothed five days ago while on holiday in Jaipur, India. A pal says that Brand, 34, proposed with a ring, and that Perry, 25, happily accepted. On Twitter Dec. 29, the pop singer shared a sweet snapshot of her and the British comedian in front of India's famed Taj Mahal. "He built this for me," she wrote beneath the photo. The exotic trip, a Perry insider tells Us, "was his Christmas gift.  She told him how much she loved Indian culture while they were eating curry in England, so he surprised her." On New Year's Day, she shared another tourist photo: her hand being painted with a traditional Henna tattoo. ("Isn't it lovely?" she wrote.) The day before, she perhaps hinted at spontaneous decisions to come later that week: "In India, the motto...you gotta go with the flow..."

At November's MTV Europe Music Awards, Perry paid tribute to Brand via her on-stage underpants, emblazoned with his nickname, "Rusty." Of their romance, a friend tells Us that Perry has "never connected with anybody like this." As for Brand, the Forgetting Sarah Marshall star "is super into her. She says he makes her laugh like nobody else in the world," an insider says.]

Meanwhile, just as a reminder, this is what Russell Brand recently said regarding the qualities a future bride of his would have to have in order to nab him - via The Mirror UK:

["I'm fed up with having fling after fling - I'm looking for The One," he said. "I haven't found love yet because I've been looking in the wrong places all these years. Now I'm desperately seeking her. I'm a bit worried, as it will be difficult for them. They will have to tolerate my insanity and madness. I want someone who will take care of me. They will have to be a nice down-to-earth girl who will look after me. It will be a tough job for her but I'm looking hard now."]

Well, there's a hot offer if I've ever heard one! Certainly stranger things have happened, but a suddenly reformed bad boy and a proposal after a four-month dating period don't exactly smack of commitment or reform. Just because Russell has found someone he enjoys repeatedly sleeping with over the (inter)course of a few consecutive months does not a marriage make. I actually think they make a cute, albeit odd, couple. I do predict that Katy will break his heart, leaving Brand a changed man. I mean aren't there drama filled rom-coms about crap like this? The player finally gets his heart broken, which enables him to come to terms with his previously selfish existence. I'm waiting for the E! True Hollywood Story: The Deepening of Russell Brand. In the meantime, congrats!

[Photo Credit]


Thumbnail image for lindsay-lohan-leggings.jpgIt's good to see that Lindsay Lohan is kicking off 2010 the same way she left 2009 - as a total mess. Much like the alleged Tiger Woods sex-tape, this comes as no shock. The latest in LaLohan land? More thievery - though, in a refreshing turn, she's not the one of accused of doing the taking. So, at least there's that! Details, via D-Listed

[Well, this is ironic. Usually when you read the words "thief" and "Lindsay Lohan" in one sentence, LiLo's the one being accused of doing the snatching. But oh how the coke tables have turned! Us Weekly reports that someone stole LiLo's sketches for her 6126 clothing line and she's pointing her favorite snorting finger at her former purse holder/hair icon Patrick "Pootie" Aufdenkamp. Pootie is also the sound my b-holes makes whenever I see pictures of the both of them together.

One of LiLo's friends said that Pootie (gesundheit!) is launching his own fashion line in NYC next month and is planning to use her designs. Everything Pooti knows he learned from watching Bold and the Beautiful.

The friend added, "It's horrible. He was her best friend. He has always used her, and she's been warned to never trust him. Lindsay is a good friend and likes to see the good in people. She didn't want to believe how bad Patrick's energy was, and how false his friendship has always been with her." LiLo confirmed to Us Weekly that she's parted ways with Pooti, "I should've known better. But new year for me and a new beginning! Health, happiness, success and love!"]

Click here to see a photo of Pooti. Oh, Lindsay. There's so, so much you "should've known better" about - this doesn't even touch the top ten. Don't you know someone nicknamed "Pooti" is virtually guaranteed to steal from you? If it's not your heart, it'll be sketchings for your clothing line. By the way, won't the stolen designs be fairly obvious? Anything shredded that's laced with coke and stained with tanning spray should be a dead giveaway... 

[Photo Credit]

Countdown To Strippergate!

vince-vaughn-kyla-weber-beach.jpgVince Vaughn got married over the weekend to his girlfriend of two years, real estate agent Kyla Weber. When I first heard the news I thought, "Aw, how sweet." Then I started digging. I actually like Vince, so it wasn't out of malice. He seems like a guy after my own heart - sure he parties, but he's living and loving life. Okay, maybe he could be a wee bit healthier, but who am I to judge? Longtime readers of this site know that I'm solidly Team Aniston - and Vaughn is nothing if not a dyed in the wool Jennifer-lover. So, when I read he got hitched, I was happy for him. However, something wasn't sitting quite right with his recent nuptials. First off was the wedding date itself - January 2. For someone who allegedly likes to party as much as Vince, wouldn't he be wiped out from New Year's Eve? Or is the weekend date a clever way to keep the celebration going? Enough of my shenanigans, let's hear from my go-to peeps at Celebitchy

[My first thought when I saw that Vince Vaughn had gotten hitched to fiancée Kyla Weber was "finally!" Which is weird, because they only got engaged last February/March, so it's not like the engagement was neverending. It just felt that way, because of all of the reports that Vince was looking for a way out, and that Vince's overprotective mama didn't approve, et cetera. At one point I even thought they called the whole thing off, but they didn't. Anyway, Vince's rep confirms that Vince and Kyla were married on January 2, in Chicago. No mention of what the bride and groom wore. Hm... do you think Kyla is knocked up? I doubt it, actually. They've been together for about two years, so I think if she was going to get pregnant to hurry things up, she would have done it earlier. Michael K at Dlisted is calling Kyla a golddigger, but I'm not so sure. Could it be that she just thought Vince was the best she could do? While I loved Vince in his early days, he looks like a man who smells and drinks too much these days. So, anyway, congratulations to the happy couple!]

And a little more background, again from the fabulous Celebitchy

[We've already heard the sordid tale of Vince Vaughn, his fiance Kyla Weber and his mother. Something about Mama Vaughn not thinking some random Canadian slut was good enough for her baby boy, and doing everything in her power to make sure Kyla heads for the hills. In that story, and in Mama Vaughn's defense, Vince is a big, fat baby who won't stand up to his mother, and won't stand up for Kyla. My advice to Kyla at the time was "Run, Kyla, run!"

Now Kyla's got more problems - it seems Vince isn't prepared to give up his frat boy ways. Kyla is "fed up" with Vince's partying and his douchebag friends, and she thinks Vince is out there hooking up with random girls all of the time. Vince tries to console Kyla by telling her he's never strayed, but she doesn't believe him (I wouldn't either). Doesn't Vince seem like one of those guys who, when he wants to break up with a girl, starts treating her like crap so she'll break up with him? I think that's what's happening with Vince and Kyla. He's not ready to settle down, he doesn't want to give up his friends or stand up to his mother, so he's just waiting until Kyla breaks off the engagement. Run, Kyla, run!]

Okay, so maybe it's not the love story of the year - but we're only five days in, so give it some time! Although if the mother-in-law stories are true, that would be an absolute deal-breaker for a lot of women I know. Same with the womanizing, frat-partying predilections. Actually this whole thing is starting to sound like a terrible idea. Perhaps Vince should take the George Clooney route. The self-confirmed bachelor swears he'll never marry again - at least everyone knows what they're getting into when the sign up to hang with Clooney.

[Photo Credit]

Now That I've Professed My Love, He's Everywhere

bret-michaels-main-wikipedia.jpegYou may have read yesterday about my recent adoration of Bret Michaels. Three back-to-back seasons of Rock of Love and I'm totally hooked. I want more of Bret, whenever and however I can get him. It turns out I won't have to wait long - my man has landed a new television gig! Details, via USA Today

[Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich wasn't allowed to participate on I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! because he couldn't leave the country, but he will be among 14 contestants on the new season of Donald Trump's NBC show The Celebrity Apprentice, which kicks off March 14.

And no reality show would be complete these days without an Osbourne. Others competing for charity on the show include mama Sharon Osbourne, along with female competitors Cyndi Lauper,  Holly Robinson Peete, Selita Ebanks, Maria Kanellis, Carol Leifer and Summer Sanders. The men include: Darryl Strawberry, Bret Michaels, Goldberg, Michael Johnson, Rod Blagojevich, Sinbad and Curtis Stone.]

It's clear that he needs to form an alliance with Sharon Osbourne - but history proves he'll most likely snuggle up to former Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks. And that's totally cool. It's unconditional love, from here on out...

[Photo Credit: by Matt Becker, via Wikipedia]

The Least Surprising News - Possibly Ever

Thumbnail image for tiger-woods-main-wikipedia.jpgHey, guess what? There's an alleged Tiger Woods sex tape being shopped at Vivid Entertainment as we speak! I hope you were sitting down for that one. Details, via TMZ

[Someone is shopping what she says is a Tiger Woods sex tape, and Vivid Entertainment is in the market. Steven Hirsch, head honcho of Vivid, tells TMZ a woman approached him two weeks ago, claiming she had a sex video of Tiger Woods. She said it was shot approximately two years ago.
Hirsch tells TMZ his people have seen 30 seconds of the video but is not confirming it's Tiger on tape -- he says he's still trying to ID the players.
Two things. First, Tiger's lawyers have already put out a threatening letter, stating they will go after anyone who tries to publish nude photos or videos of Tiger Woods.
Thing two. There is no way such a video could be legally released without Tiger's John Hancock. Good luck with that.]

So, we'll never see it - not that I'd want to, personally - but allegations of the existence will only add fuel to the fire. Actually, is it really a bonfire of scandal anymore? It seems that we all got over the shock of this after the fifth mistress was revealed. At this point an alleged sex tape is only "par for the course" with Tiger! Who knew golf and sex were such a mix? I always pictured old dudes sipping scotch while wearing plaid before this...

Jennifer Aniston Reprises Her Role On "Friends"!

Thumbnail image for jennifer-aniston-marley-&-me-wikipedia.jpgNo, she hasn't agreed to star in a movie version of the popular sitcom. However, she is opening a restaurant and says she'll occasionally waitress, so it's kind of the same thing. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Actress Jennifer Aniston may be joining the ranks of celebrities who have lent their name to the food and beverage industry.  In 2010 Jen is rumored to be opening an upmarket Mexican restaurant in New York. Britain's Daily Mirror is saying that they spoke with Aniston who said, "If all goes well, I hope to open a Mexican restaurant in New York City in 2010.  I love Mexican food.  I'll mingle with customers and be a guest waitress." Now that sounds like a great time...going out for an enchilada and having Jennifer be your waitress!  It does seem like a no-brainer for her - we're guessing the reservation book will be full.]

The big question "weighing" on everyone's minds has got to be - will she eat the food at her own restaurant and will the menu reflect her die-hard love for The Zone Diet? Moreover, what will she do when Brad and Angie stop in for a quick bite to eat and she has to wait on them? I guess she'd have enough clout to switch sections... Meanwhile, I'd like to put in a good word for my new best friend, Bret Michaels. Bret was purported to have a huge crush on Jennifer. While their schedules may never mesh, let's hope their privates do. Bon appetit! 

[Photo Credit: Hey there, pretty lady!]

I Owe Bret Michaels An Apology

One of the hazards of doing this job happens when talking shit about someone backfires. The shit-talking isn't meant to be mean-spirited, but it sometimes comes across as such in an (admittedly lame) attempt to be funny. The snark is meant to entertain the reader - not to be hurtful to the subject of the post. Well, you know what they say about good intentions - the road to hell is paved with them. One person who has suffered at the hand of my "wit" is someone who has recently become dear to my heart - Bret Michaels. It happened by accident. I, for some unknown reason, put Rock of Love at the top of my Netflix queue over the holidays. There's nothing like hair metal to get me in the mood for Christmas, apparently. Anyways, it turned out to be a fabulous confluence of events: the arrival of the discs, buying a box of wine (yes, you read that correctly) and getting my boyfriend wildly drunk. What followed was nothing short of a miracle - he didn't leave the couch for the rest of the evening and we both became hooked on Bret's reality dating show. The fact that Bret came off as a likable and relatable character surprised us both - and made the episodes all the more enjoyable. We came to root for him, as well as the girls, while also enjoying the jaw-dropping antics of some of the more colorful characters. It turns out Michaels is someone I'd like to meet! Ah, to while away an afternoon with Bret - chatting about everything from strip clubs to motorcross - that would be a dream. Unfortunately for me, I forgot about a huge error on my part - I've made fun of Bret on PLP. Damn it. Hindsight being what it is, I'd like to issue a sincere apology. Bret, you rock! You and your pussy posse have provided me and my boyfriend with hours of entertainment - with hopefully much more to come. May we meet face to face one day. Rest assured, the beers are on me. 

You Really Have To Bust Your Ass To Stand Out In The Kardashian Household

rob-kardashian-adrienne-bailon.jpegThe ends this family will go to in an attempt to top each other apparently has no bounds. This time the K-Dash to make the news is the one you never (well, rarely) hear about - brother Rob Kardashian. He strikes me as relatively sane, albeit rather boring. I guess he's got a little somethin' somethin' going on - rumor has it that he cheated on his longtime girlfriend... with a porn star! Details, via Evil Beet

[I don't know why this is affecting me, but it is. I normally don't cover the K-dash beat, but for some reason I find this really upsetting and newsworthy. So, if you've seen Keeping Up With The Kardashians, you know that little brother Rob was dating Adrienne Bailon, that really adorable girl who was in 3LW and that Disney Channel movie Cheetah Girls. While I always found Rob to kind of be a weird lookin' dude with a head full of stuffing, I always thought that there must be something redeemable if he landed her. She just seems like a nice, adorable chick. Then we found out on last night's episode that the two of them are dunzo because Rob cheated on her. What?! How sad, not to mention disgusting, that he cheated on her with a porn star. Does anyone want to think about Rob Kardashian getting sexed by a porn star? Probably no one except Rob Kardashian.]

Let's add another layer to this story, shall we? More information (because we all care so much) via PopCrunch

[Adrienne's devotion to her career and Rob's hectic school schedule have also been cited as mitigating factors causing the breakup. Adrienne created quite a stir in November 2008, when nude photographs she snapped for Rob were splashed on the Internet. Despite rumors of a leak, the singer claimed innocence, insisting that the photographs were taken from a laptop stolen while she was coming off a flight at New York's JFK Airport.

Rob, 22, did not provide any details on who he was unfaithful with, although he was romantically-linked to adult film star Lisa Ann (of Nailin' Paylin fame) as recently as November. Adrienne, for her part, has moved on. The 26-year-old New York native is currently dating an unidentified man, who she was seen texting throughout last night's show.]

I can't decide what is funnier - Rob's alleged Nailin' Paylin (link is safe for work) hookup or his "hectic school schedule." That guy appears to be bustin' some ass - it's just not clear whose... 

[Photo Credit: Rob and Adrienne, before Paylin "came" between them.]

File Under: What Tha Hell?

olivia-munn-jiggle-02.gifCelebrating the holidays can lead to some pretty crazy hookups. There's nothing like a bottle of bubbly to loosen those inhibitions - though, in some cases, the inhibitions were pretty loose already! Cases in point:

Hayden Panettiere has been spending time with thirty-something professional boxer, Wladimir Klitschko. To hear Celebitchy tell it, Wladimir is well-respected, educated, successful at his craft and is hailed as a hero in Germany. Meanwhile, Hayden plays a hero on television, is successful at wearing bikinis and is hailed as a bitch who thinks she's better than "the normal people." I totally see the connection. 

Mysteries never cease around Entourage star Kevin Connolly. The shortie with the red hair and blazing blue eyes has nabbed some pretty hot ladies in his time including Nicky Hilton, Julianne Hough (Dancing With The Stars) and and even the aforementioned Hayden. The latest (alleged) notch on his well-used belt? Perez Hilton reports that it might be none other than Big Love actress Chloe Sevigny. Huh. I guess the one thing they have in common are their hit HBO programs. That can really bring a couple together. Lots to talk about - not.

Finally... did you know that Chris Pine has officially given Audrina Patridge the heave-ho? That connection definitely had to fall under "booty call." The Star Trek hottie was seen out on the town recently with on-again/off-again girlfriend, Olivia Munn. People magazine reports the two were spotted "holding court" in a dimly lit bar while giggling and drinking cocktails. I once managed an entire romance off of a connection formed at a dimly lit bar while drinking cocktails. So, in my experience, I'd say they are definitely on!

[Photo Credit: Olivia Munn takes the photo spot, for obvious reasons.]

Megan Fox Gets Lips Plumped For The New Year

megan-fox-nytimes-cvr.jpgI mean the ones on her face, just to clarify. Yep, Megan Fox is continuing to make significant inroads into her "I'm just like Angelina Jolie - but not really" quest. All the more to tease us with, my dears. Details, via Celebitchy

[One of the many things that pisses me off about Megan Fox is that very few people ever call her on the extensive plastic surgery she's had. Throughout the past year, as I've written various Megan Fox stories, I've looked at photos of her over the past four or five years, and even in that short time span, she has radically altered her appearance. Mostly, I can see nose jobs (more than one) and lip plumping. I'm not sure about cheek implants and that sort of stuff, but I wouldn't put it past her. Plus, her hair changes a lot, and I think that contributes to how I see the shape of her face, so what I could attribute to cheek implants could actually just be a different hair style. In any case, I'd like to see more people calling Megan out on her crap, like they would if she was Demi Moore or Meg Ryan.

I may have gotten my wish - Fame Pictures snapped some photos of Megan with some mysteriously plumper lips on New Year's Day. Fame put the photos up against photos of Megan from less than two months ago, and it's pretty clear she's gotten plumped very recently. Of course, Fame added this bitchy note: "She's looking more like Angelina!" Gah! Doesn't Fame Pictures know that Megan wants to be the contradiction of stoic, unfunny Angelina?!?

In other Megan Fox news, our reigning Worst Actress of the Year is considered a frontrunner in the Worst Actress Razzies. The Los Angeles Times also predicts that Megan will be up against Beyonce (for Obsessed), Sandra Bullock (for All About Steve) and Miley Cyrus (for anything, I guess - no, wait, one of those Hannah Montana movies) amongst others (cough cough Kristen Stewart cough).]

Click here for the pictures that document the lip-plumping sighting. I do have to hand it to Megan - she's able to manipulate the media into writing about her, even when she's done absolutely nothing. I know I always fall for it! Yet another thing she has in common with Angelina? Women, for the most part, do not like Fox. How long do we have to wait before she pulls a Jolie and nabs a married man? If Brian Austin Green is smart, he'll marry someone else. That would ensure Megan would be his forever! 

[New York Times Magazine]

Forget Flavor Flav - This Is The Surreal Life

There's "The Surreal Life" and then there's "real life." In this clip above, it's difficult to distinguish the former from the latter. Well, minus the boobies, hot tubs and champagne. Those elements are usually a dead giveaway! Seriously though - we've all seen a million photos of the Jolie-Pitt brood. However, seeing those kids have to deal with the insanity in "real time" made me feel quite uncomfortable. Sure, they will never want for a single material item in their entire lives. But the price tag also comes with a lack of reality and privacy - without choice. On an up note, the family got to see "Mary Poppins" on Broadway. Cool! Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt took four of their six-pack of children to see the Broadway production of "Mary Poppins" over the weekend. The family has been staying in New York City while Jolie finishes filming her spy thriller "Salt". Taking in the stage musical were Maddox, 8, Zahara, 4, Pax, 6, and Shiloh 3. Remaining at home, presumably in the care of nannies, were 18-month-old twins Vivienne and Knox.]

If I were forced to pen an essay on "How I Spent My Christmas Vacation," it would definitely include a paragraph on how much I enjoyed being glued to my couch while reading "Brangelina: The Untold Story" by Ian Halperin. I don't know how much of it was "untold," but it was still very entertaining. Today brings "Angelina - saintly earth mother" to the forefront. However, I much prefer getting lost in her wild, blood/vial wearing, allegedly sociopathic ways. Haul those kids around all you want Angie, I still see you!

Baby Batter

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for samantha-burke-with-jude-law-inset.jpgRumor has it that Jude Law picked up the phone on Christmas Eve and made a very important phone call. Who was the lucky recipient? Baby momma Samantha Burke. She was said to be elated - naturally. Not only had Jude been remiss in meeting Sophia Law (the "love child"), he even forgot to count her amongst his children during an interview with David Letterman. Perhaps it's Jude's reunion with Sienna Miller that has softened his heart? Details from News of The World, via Showbiz Spy

[Jude Law has finally agreed to meet his love child. The British actor has arranged to visit daughter Sophia -- the result of a brief romance with model Samantha Burke -- in Florida. The tot was born in September 2009.

Burke, 25, bragged to friends the Sherlock Holmes star phoned at Christmas to arrange a visit "within a few weeks". "She's over the moon. She was hurt he had not seen Sophia," a source told British newspaper the News of The World.

Sam, the insider said, hopes she can rekindle her romance with Jude -- even though he is back with former flame Sienna Miller. "She told us they would get back together but I think Jude just feels a responsibility to his daughter," revealed the insider. "Sam is also considering moving to London. It could be the career chance she wanted." Jude has three other children with ex-wife Sadie Frost.]

It's natural to feel full of love over the holidays - especially when one is getting hot-n-heavy with a lover. All I can say is that goodwill is going to dry up when Jude realizes he's reopened the door to crazy. Samantha has deluded herself into thinking that Law wants to know her and (somehow) raise a child with her. Just because she got pregnant with the ease of falling off a horse does not mean there was any love involved. In some refreshing news, Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend, Camila Alves, welcomed a baby girl yesterday. Vida Alves McConaughey is preceded by her adorable brother, Levi. Having a second child with the same woman? The one Matthew has been involved with exclusively for years? Sounds pretty tame for a dude who loves playing bongos in the nude! Jude, take note...

[Photo Credit: Oh, dear...]

Favorite "Reveals" Of 2009

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for john-mayer-main-wikipedia.jpgI'm picking up where I left off... with the blind item reveals from Crazy Days & Nights. Click on the CDAN link for the full scoop. Here are a few of my faves. These are the ones that definitely shocked and entertained me. Enjoy! 

CDAN Blind Item #1: So what do you do if you are a brand new C list celebutard who in your mind thinks you are A list? Why you go up to women and start hitting on them and generally making an ass of yourself. This is especially evident when you walk up to a C+/B- list television actress from a hit for this network drama who is already known for not being friendly and who responds to the horrible pick up lines by saying, "Who in the f**k are you? Are you 12?" When the celebutard answered her our actress just laughed and turned away and told our celebutard to find someone else. Our celebutard then walked away with his bodyguard in tow. Yes, he really has a bodyguard and it really is funny.  Levi Johnston & AnnaLynne McCord

CDAN Blind Item #2: Spectacular is the one word to describe today's blind. This A list female celebrity chef was overheard in a restaurant the other day. Nothing unusual about that right? I mean people are nosy and we strain our ears. Well, it turns out this celebrity chef who is married was discussing an affair she recently had with this B list male singer with A list name recognition and reputation. She wasn't shy about discussing the details either. I mean explicit, graphic details about what the two did to each other. Nothing out of the ordinary, but definitely not shy in recounting every last act. It does appear to have been a one time thing, but this is totally not what you expect from our chef and the image she tries to portray to the public.  John Mayer is revealed as the fling. The name of the chef is not revealed, leading me to my personal assumption of Rachel Ray. I could see RR wanting to get freaky for a night and JM not minding "taking one for the team." He probably appreciated a little meat after his relationship with Jennifer Aniston! 

CDAN Blind Item #3: This engagement is fairly new, but I definitely smell trouble. This Golden Globe nominated/winner B list movie actress has been entertaining a fairly steady stream of men at her fiance's home. Her fiance is a B list television actor on a very hit show. He must know this is going on as our actress doesn't hide what she has been doing and with whom but our actor doesn't seem to care.  Emily Blunt & John Krasinski. Say what? This is the one that really shocked the hell out of me. I know I can be foolishly optimistic, but I thought these two were sweet together. Will the new year bring a breakup or marriage announcement for this couple? All I know is that I want more details!

CDAN Blind Item #4: This blind item is going to be phrased as a piece of advice. If you pay your drug dealer on time he won't break into your house and take your things. Just saying. Lindsay Lohan. Okay, this one is not surprising - but entertaining nonetheless. When will she reach her "wake-up call" moment?

Thanks to Entertainment Lawyer for the juicy news! It's been a great way to start 2010. Speaking of which, I hope you all had a fabulous time saying goodbye to 2009. I sincerely hope this new chapter brings you everything you want - and then some. It's great to be back online with you!

[Photo Credit: I suspect John Mayer will most appreciate the photo and publicity. Happy 2010, John!]

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