Ass Master


I'm never clear on what Gwyneth Paltrow means when she claims to have "overindulged" during the holidays; but I'm pretty sure it's very different from you and me. Well, at least me. She probably got spicy on Christmas Day and allowed herself some organic (creamy!) dressing on her handpicked salad. Anyways, all the tomfoolery of the holidays are behind us. It's time to get those colons sparkling, people! Details from The Huffington Post

[It's that time of year when Gwyneth bemoans her holiday overindulgence and sets out to reverse the damage. As usual she's sharing her detox program through her newsletter, GOOP, so that everyone can suffer along with her. This year Gwyneth recommends a juice fast from her friend's health food store Organic Avenue. During the first week of January 2009, Gwyneth recommended an elimination diet, complete with herbal laxatives to accelerate sluggish bowel movements. Which of Gwyneth's detox programs will you be using to rid yourself of holiday weight gain?]

And a little more, from GOOP herself: 

[For all of us resolution detoxers who want to start the year anew, I have asked Doug Evans and Denise Mari, co-founders of New York City's fantastic Organic Avenue to contribute his knowledge. I discovered Organic Avenue a few years ago through a girlfriend who was about to do one of their fasts, and I joined her on the 5 day program. The result was pretty amazing and the juices and smoothies (esp. the coconut mylk and the cacao smoothie) were so delicious that I imbibe them whenever I'm in NYC. They make a cleanse easy with different degrees of gnarlyness and home delivery if you are in manhattan. If you aren't, like me, Denise Mari, the juice guru has given us some recipes for a DIY fast.]

Muy perfecto, Gwyneth. I have a feeling sunshine would burst forth from her asshole, should she choose to go Penthouse Pet on us. Lest we pick solely on Paltrow, another favorite has also taken some heat recently for doling out the diet advice. Megan Fox recently revealed that she drinks vinegar as cleansing aid. Turns out that old trick might not be all it's cracked up to be. Details, via PopCrunch

[That Megan Fox just can't catch a break: The Transformers star -- who only last week was voted the "Sexiest Worst Actress of 2009″ -- has been blasted by health experts for hailing the benefits of swigging vinegar. Dieticians have warned weight loss junkies against taking advice from the simple-minded stunner. "It just cleanses out your system entirely...It will get rid of ... for women who retain water weight from your menstrual cycle and all that ... it gets rid of it really fast," Megan recently revealed when quizzed about how she keeps her famous body in tip-top shape. "I'm not one for dieting or exercising, because I'm lazy and I have a really big sweet tooth, so I have to do cleanses every once in a while 'cause of the amount of sugar I take in."

However, experts have pooh-poohed Megan's claims as rubbish, insisting there is not a single form of vinegar in existence that will help dieters lose weight. "As attractive as it sounds, there is no magic pill, lotion or potion for a quick fix to weight loss," dietician Lucy Jones explained in a interview with The Sun this week. "The body, including the liver, is a well-oiled detoxing machine, which will not be improved by vinegar, whether it be organic, apple cider, unfiltered, or your bog-standard malt vinegar."]

I like the thought of the body as a "well-oiled detox machine." Or was I thinking of Megan Fox's body well-oiled? Now I'm just confused. 

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