John Mayer And His Big... Mouth

[The dude may be a tool, but at the very least he is an honest tool. He does not hold back, either. In the new issue of Rolling Stone, John opens up about Jennifer Aniston, calling their breakup "one of the worst times of my life."

The douchebag singer confesses: "I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for people I've had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f**ing fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But, I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny."

We think that was a compliment to Jen. Either way, we're pleased to report that John has come to grips with being single. And oh, how gripping it can be. "All I want to do now is f**k the girls I've already f**ked," John says, "I can't fathom explaining myself to somebody who can't believe I'm interested, and they're going, 'But you're John Mayer!' So I'm going backwards to move forward."

"I'm too freaked out to meet anyone else." As a resort, John has resorted to self-gratification, and he's a pro, if he doesn't say so himself: "I am the new generation of masturbator. I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I have masturbated myself out of some serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion."]

That's quite a compliment to Jen - in the most backhanded, typical Mayer manner. I don't think John will ever find true love with a woman - he's already found it with himself. Who can break up that relationship? You'd have to physically separate him from his mirror - and it sounds like that would prove to be exceedingly difficult to accomplish. More, via a hilarious piece from The Onion A.V. Club: 

[In the newest issue of Rolling Stone, human droning fork John Mayer says that he's looking for a girlfriend who is "able to go toe-to-toe with [him] intellectually," amongst other qualities. Unfortunately for Mayer, this is an unachieveable dream, because no one could possibly go toe-to-toe intellectually with him.

Evidence It Is Impossible To Go Toe-To-Toe Intellectually With John Mayer (as outlined in Rolling Stone):

1. John Mayer has a tattoo of the number 77 on his chest. Why? He was born in 1977. Are you clever enough to tattoo the year of your birth on your chest, just in case? Probably not. John Mayer is thinking on the Memento-level.   

2. John Mayer thinks about everything on, like, a cosmic level: "I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the 's' in Dimples was adollar sign. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I've had relationships with. I still feel like I'm with them, in the sense that if I f---ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it's all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?"

Deep, right? John Mayer understands that everything that happens to John Mayer (and anyone associated with John Mayer) happens on a John Mayer continuum--that's how intense John Mayer's thinking about John Mayer is.

3. If you tried to go toe-to-toe intellectually with John Mayer, you'd have to listen to him say shit like this, without ripping your own face off out of sheer annoyance: "What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is f---ing fantastic, if I said to her, 'I don't dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn't arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.'" No one can withstand destiny-speak like that for too long.

4. John Mayer is the king of whip-smart, hilarious word play: "Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!" You'd probably need several motion-sickness patches just to keep up with a wit as quick as his.

5. John Mayer is always looking to free up even more of his already impressive brain capacity: "I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a f-k about it."

I would think about it, John Mayer, but I can't even begin to imagine a space as vast as the brain space John Mayer has devoted to thinking about the perfect life-partner for John Mayer. It's like trying to picture infinity, or measure the size of John Mayer's ego. It just can't be done.] 

Whether Mayer realizes he's the butt of the joke appears to be irrelevant - he loves the attention too much to care where the impetus generates from. In fact, the joke may be on us. 

[Rolling Stone Magazine Cover]