February 2010 Archives

Tits & Turkey: 10 Questions For Dead Body Guy

dead-body-guy-garage-door.jpgChuck Lamb is an inspiration. He's got a vision and he's making it happen. What started out as a simple goal - to play dead - has spawned a successful career in acting. What are the odds? Pretty damn high, when you give over one-hundred percent! I first came across Chuck when my friend Christie and I stumbled upon ThanksKilling on Netflix. I was captured by the horror and humor of this B film. I found myself Tweeting about it the next day, Chuck dropped me a line soon after and the rest is history. He was game to answer the following 10 questions, compiled by myself and Christie of Judgemental 'Zine. Chuck's answers are hilarious and charming. It's absolutely worth the time to read how one person's dream is now reality. Enjoy!

1.) Have you met your goal in playing the "Dead Guy" in a CSI or Law & Order episode? If so, what episodes? If not, how can we help?

Well, I haven't actually hit that goal of being on Law and Order; but I have really exceeded every expectation a person could ever dream of. I keep hoping Law and Order will come calling. However, my goal was just one role, in one TV show or movie, and now I have been in over a dozen projects. I am a six-foot, chubby, bald Cinderella. LOL

Hey! Here is the email for the casting director of Law & Order Criminal Intent criminalintent8@gmail.com. Let's ALL send her an email asking to have Dead Body Guy Chuck Lamb as a guest corpse.

2.) How does your wife feel about this endeavor and will she ever be a "Dead Body Woman?"

She's the reason all of this started!! I told her about my dream of being in the credits [of a film or television program] and she asked how I was going to get it done. I told her I didn't know, but that very night I had a dream that I was HOMER SIMPSON laying dead and Lenny from Law & Order was saying a wise-crack above me. I woke her up from a dead sleep, put my hands on my hips like a Super Hero and told her I could be "DEAD BODY GUY!" We then started taking pictures of me playing dead, and I built the website.

Less than six weeks later we were on the cover of the New York Times and appearing on every news and talk show you can think of. It just started snowballing. We could never have imagined we would get over 50 Million hits from 155 different countries, from people supporting us and helping me live out my dream.

3.) We saw the trailer for Horrorween and it boasts that it will be the next Zombie cult film. Is that a fair statement? It's been filming for six years - have you been involved since the beginning?

Yes. The producer of Horrorween, Ed Meyer, saw me on The TODAY Show during my first appearance [and cast me thereafter]. I have been to Toronto and Hollywood, participating in casting calls for the movie and getting to meet many of the cameo stars. The movie has had highs and lows - it's been both exciting and struggling at times. Things are much better now that Joe Estevez [Martin Sheen's brother] has come on board as director. I think Horrorween will be talked about for months after its release. As far as the next BIG CULT MOVIE... you never know what's going to be the 'next big thing.' Look at me. We had no idea this would explode like it has until the phone starting ringing off of the hook from radio stations, magazines, newspapers and talk shows.

4.) What was it like meeting Adrienne Barbeau; one of the original Scream Queens from the '80s?

She's a DOLL BABY! Time has served Adrienne well. We got to chat for a bit when I was asked to do The Fangoria convention in Burbank, CA. She's a true "fan's actress" as she will take time to speak with anyone, pose for photos or talk about her book. I noticed that most actors and people that do the horror conventions are great people to get to know. They go out of their way to make the fan's experience a memorable one. I personally wore out a pair of jeans falling down on the carpet taking 'Dead Photos' with fans and friends. I also got to sit down and talk to the original dead guy, Terry Kiser from Weekend at Bernie's, at an autograph show we were both asked to do. I was asked to be guest host on STARZ Comedy Channel on April Fool's Day to introduce the Weekend at Bernie's marathon. We did about 10 vignettes of me dying and they were shown all day. You can see the footage on my website.

5.) If you could play the "Dead Guy" in any film, upcoming or already made, who would it be?

Easy one for me - TOMBSTONE! My favorite movie of all time. Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer, Sam Elliott and Bill Paxton. Bill plays Morgan Earp and he dies on the pool table; that's the best dead I've ever seen! Kurt Russell grabs his face, yells at him and wiggles his cheeks - and Bill never flinches. 5 STARS Bill, for being the ultimate Dead Guy.

6.) Any scoops you'd like to share with us about celebrities you've worked with? Who do you desire/aspire to work with?

Hmmm, lemme see. First thought when I read this question was these:

Amanda Bynes = cutie pie and great, funny person. Jennie Garth = Same thing. She was so nice to me when I did What I Like About You, even though the producer cut me out entirely - except for my bald head. Thanks Drew Brown!

The producer, Ed Meyer, is the cheapest man I have ever met in my entire life. He drives a special imported Smart Car that gets almost 70 miles per gallon and he never puts more than $10 worth of gas in it at a time.

I heard Mickey Rooney say the "F" word at an autograph signing.

All in all, in the short amount of time I've been in Hollywood, it's been nothing short of wonderful. I still get butterflies anytime I get around any of my idols. It has been a true dream come true to meet some and talk with some of them.

7.) What's it like being on the set of a movie? Who's at the top of your wish list for directors?

I have learned many things since being on a set the first time. Things like extras are not supposed to speak with the A list actors, unless spoken to first. Never ask for autographs or photos. The main stars eat first when it's time to eat. It's a totally different world than I ever imagined. I found myself hanging out with the extras more than the stars because they still have the dream and desire I have. Even when I had my own trailer I never was in it. I'm still enamored by Hollywood and they magic of it. Most actors that have been in the business for a while get complacent, I think. As for directors, I'd have to go with Ron Howard. I hear he is wonderful to work with and doesn't mind teaching as well as directing; which is great for a sort-of newbie like me. I WANT TO DO A WESTERN!

8.) Were you prepared for the attention when the "Dead Actor" idea first broke? Do you desire fame? What is the ultimate goal?

I never thought "DeadBodyGuy" would spread like it did. We were totally caught off guard. We actually had The Today show, Good Morning America and the Early Show on the telephone all at once. I was getting so frustrated with all of their fast talk; I threatened to throw my cell phone out the window!! We finally settled on The TODAY Show and have been on it 3 times total now.

I have to tell you, I absolutely LOVE all of the attention!! Fame? I don't want to sound like a prima donna, but fame doesn't suck! It's fun to be noticed and meet new people. I was featured in the National Examiner tabloid. Two full pages. My wife called to let me know about it while I was flying home from doing the movie Stiffs with Danny Aiello and Lesley Ann Warren. I went straight to the newsstand at the Baltimore airport to see the paper. She called me back 20 minutes later and by then I had a line waiting for me to sign copies. She asked me how they all knew I was in it and I said laughingly. "I TOLD THEM!"  LOL

The ultimate goal was to see my name on the Big Screen and we knocked it out of the park by the support of millions of new friends. Now, I just hope to be an inspiration to anyone out there that has a dream. Think outside of the box. Never Give Up. Never Quit Living Your Dream!! It CAN be DONE!!

I have started a new web adventure called Talent Overload. You can find it at www.TalentOverload.com. It's a place where anyone, with any type of talent, can show off their talents to the world. It's my way of saying "thank you" to the millions of people who supported me in my quest of being "Dead Body Guy." Please check it out! Maybe I can help someone else live out a dream.

9.) Do you wish to transition into more speaking parts, like ThanksKilling, or do you want to stick with "Dead Body Guy?"

I would love to have more speaking roles. My wife thinks I would be magnificent in speaking roles; she always tells me I never shut up. I'd be perfect. As a matter of fact, I was just cast in Ed Meyer's and Ojani Noa's new movie about Ojani's life and his time being married to Jennifer Lopez. [See link on PLP, directly below this post, for more info.] I'll be playing the head of Sony records.

The guy from the New York Times said I was the chattiest dead man he ever met.


ThanksKilling was too much fun. It's a movie that I honestly believe will be talked about for years to come, and I hope it will be an annual event for people to watch during Thanksgiving. [Editor's Note: You've got my vote! It's on my list of "Annual Movies To Watch."]

10.) Is it challenging to look like you're not breathing while playing dead? Any tricks of the trade?

I think it's best just to relax; close your eyes about halfway shut and think of calming thoughts. Funny, a reporter asked me once what I was thinking of doing next. I told him I was thinking about writing a book. He said, "Oh really, are you an author?" I grinned back and said "Heck no! But I'm not an actor either and look at me now!"

We can all achieve whatever we want with the right mindset, innovative thoughts and a good attitude.

This concludes our time with Chuck Lamb... for now! Please check out his links above for more inspiration and information. I never thought simply watching a movie on Netflix would end up influencing my life an such an amazing fashion. The power of Twitter - use it today! 

[Photo Credit Top: Chuck Lamb, playing dead.] 

[Photo Credit Bottom: ThanksKilling poster. The movie that started this crazy journey, resulting in an Internet friendship with DeadBodyGuy!]

Ojani Noa's Story Deserves To Be Told


And told it shall be - if all continues to go well! Despite a legal tussle to block the film, courtesy of Jennifer Lopez, Ojani Noa's onscreen adaption of his life's story is currently set to proceed. Ojani is best known as Jennifer's first husband - and there's a reason it went down that way. Most notably because J.Lo allegedly screwed over Ojani - supposedly defrauding him out of cachet, cash and credit. Yep, Jenny from the Block can be ruthless. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Thanks to my pal, Chuck Lamb, I was able to speak with filmmaker/agent/producer Ed Meyer to get some exclusive quotes about this upcoming project. And by "speak with" I mean I phoned Ed out of the blue and he generously took my call on the spot. Here's a brief paraphrasing of his end of our conversation: 

["We've shot all the tests. We have, at this point, about 3 hours of B-role in the can. We've been stopped by Jennifer Lopez on information that she's calling "private." Basically it's just home movies. She's got one of the top Hollywood lawyers, she's kept us busy with a flurry of activity. But we had a big breakthrough last week.

It's like a bad divorce that's been going on for years and years. The Sony contract that she lost last week is something Ojani negotiated for her. He's saying she defrauded him out of millions. She lied about what she was worth at the time of their divorce. During their marriage they were down to $149 in their bank account. Ojani got her some gigs in Hollywood and she shot straight to the top. Next thing you know, Diddy [who was going by Puff Daddy at the time] was in the picture and she kicked Ojani to the curb. 

Two weeks ago she screamed "sex tapes" - which were really home movies. But she got his film shut down. Then we had a huge victory recently, which has eased some restraints on making the film. Now, if J.Lo wants to stop the film, she'll have to take the stand in court - and she definitely doesn't want to do that. She's nothing like the image she presents to the public. One of her exes is even in the witness protection program.

Ojani is not trying to defame her, but it's his story and it deserves to be told. It can't be told without the dirt because that's the way it happened. It's gonna show her days in Miami, running clubs with Mafia money. They [Lopez and Noa] owned clubs with Mickey Rourke and other investors, which was funded with Mafia money.

She's endeared herself to fans with a different image - she's not what she portrays herself to be. She's made it in this industry on her back, with Mafia money. The dirt is an intergral part of the story - and Ojani wants his story to be heard."]

I think her rise can also be credited to her Fly Girl spot on In Living Color, as well as her work with influential manager, Benny Medina. However I don't doubt Ojani's claims that he busted his ass to help his former wife make it in a very competitive industry. I also believe that J.Lo screwed him over in numerous ways. One thing I know about Lopez is that it's all Jennifer, all the time. I sincerely hope Noa's epic journey makes it to the screen. I, for one, would love to hear both sides of the story. As for the dirt? Please, oh please - don't leave it out!

[Photo Credit: Ojani Noa, on the set: left. Ojani Noa with Joe Estevez, on the set: right. Yep, that's Charlie Sheen's uncle! Pictures courtesy of Chuck Lamb. Please do not use without permission.]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

nic-cage-as-apolo-ohno.jpg* A hit out on Jon Cryer? Who in the hell would want to harm Duckie? ~ TMZ

* The excruciating mystery of "You're So Vain"  finally solved! ~ Star Pulse

* The results of Brittany Murphy's final autopsy have been released. Pills, lots of pills. RIP, sweetpea. ~ Yeeeah!

* RIP, Boner. Let's take it easy on the death toll, 2010. ~ MTV News

* Simon Cowell is engaged. That's one bold lady! It takes a "special someone" to stand being judged on a daily basis. ~ D-Listed

* Mischa Barton's car was towed the other day. I wonder if that's where she stashed the weed? ~ Celebslam

* See Kendra Wilkinson's "clubbin" look. Hint - fish lips are involved. ~ Kendra's Blog

* Ever wanted to see Nicolas Cage's face superimposed on your favorite star? Now you can! ~ Nic Cage As Everyone

* Someone please explain to me what Anne Hathaway is doing with her boobs in this dress.  ~ Litely Salted

Panty Line Press is currently posting Monday thru Friday. I look forward to seeing you back here Monday, March 1st. In the meantime, drop me a line on Twitter - I'd love to hear from you. Have a most fabulous weekend! xo 

(Please Note: Normally "Hot Sausage" takes the top spot to wrap up a day's posting. I've got a special treat this afternoon - I'll be running an interview with film producer Ed Meyer and actor Chuck Lamb. Check back momentarily for these exclusive chats!)

[Photo Credit: Nic Cage is Olympian Apolo Ohno, from the hilarious and extraordinarily clever website, Nic Cage As Everyone. Thanks to Jake from Fake Book Covers for the head's up!]

A Blonde, Devalued

It's a Paris Hilton parody! Wait, my bad - it's an actual commercial. Whoops. When is Paris going to realize the only person who's entertained by her brainless flouncing around is Doug Reinhardt - and that's because she pays him? Here's a little somethin' somethin' from Litely Salted

[Normally when I think of beer, I think "That stuff that tastes like piss and doesn't have nearly enough alcohol in it." I do not, however, think of stupid spoiled whores, but apparently someone does because Paris Hilton is peddling this crap down in Brazil. Unfortunately, they're pretty pissed about it, and not just because they have to see Paris Hilton's butterface all over the place. To be honest with you, I was offended by the ad too. Not because I thought it objectified women or anything, but because there is no way anyone finds Paris Hilton attractive. Now, maybe if the crowd was holding up pitchforks, torches and crosses this ad might be believable, but unless those glasses are full of penicillin, I'm not buying it.]

Citizens of Rio are up in arms over the racy ad. Paris has even been accused of "giving blondes a bad name." Oh, that ship sailed looong ago - but let's press on. One unnamed source claims the commercial is responsible for devaluing women, especially blonde women. Once again, I think Paris pretty much has the corner of this market covered - so much so that it's probably listed in her stock portfolio. 

Ah, Yes - I See How Much Things Have Changed

lindsay_lohan_crotch_2.jpgWhat a difference a week can make! Just kidding - things haven't changed one iota in Lindsay Lohan's life. LiLo is still up to her hard-partying ways, despite saying the complete opposite in a recent high-profile interview. What the hell, they're just words - right? Details, via Hollyscoop

[Lindsay Lohan, will you ever learn? Just days after opening up about her past problems to the Sun newspaper, and adding that those days are behind her, Lindsay is back to her old ways.

She's currently back in Los Angeles, and back to partying every night of the week. According to People, Lohan has been out the last three nights. Not exactly what we'd expect for someone trying to revamp their tarnished image.

Sources say Lindsay kicked off the week by going to Teddy's, where Samantha Ronson happened to be spinning that night. Lindsay proceeded to request a table near Ronson and was denied. She was "a total mess," a witness says. "She looked really drunk when she arrived and seemed so out of it."

Things continued at nightclub Bardot on Tuesday, with Lindsay reportedly arrived after 1am. But Sam made sure Lindsay stayed away, by asking security to stay by her side all night. "She wouldn't leave, and at the end of the night, you could tell she was waiting for Sam," the source says, adding that Lohan texted her ex, who ignored the message. "They never talked at all, though, and Sam was definitely avoiding [her]," the source says.

Strike three occurred Wednesday night at Chateau Marmont. Eyewitnesses say Lindsay was acting "aloof" - though this time Sam wasn't there. Now Lindsay's friends are speaking up. "She needs help. She needs to solve her problems," a source close to the star says. "She's just not taking care of herself."

We all know what Michael Lohan thinks about his daughter! And now her friends are finally speaking out, as well as Samantha Ronson. When will Lindsay learn that no one believes her "sober" act? She's desperate for attention and the fame she once had. Sadly, she's not going to find either of those things at a nightclub.] 

The world needs to stop spinning for one second so Lindsay can hop off and rejoin us when she's cleaned up her act. Society only needs one Courtney Love - and even that's one too many. 

[Photo Credit]

I Feel Like Reclining...

zach-braff-main-wikipedia.jpegStar Magazine has a little blurb about Zach Braff (Scrubs, Garden State) allegedly trying to enjoy a little "casting couch" action. I definitely believe this rumor. The funny part is that he's supposedly trying this technique on established actresses. The couch is usually reserved for ingenues looking to break into the business, not actresses that have their pick of roles. An FYI, in case Braff happens upon this blog. I'm here to help! Details from the Star print edition, via Celebitchy

[Does Zach Braff have a casting couch? The Scrubs actor and director dated costars Mandy Moore and Sarah Chalke. But for his next movie, Swingles, Jennifer Aniston turned down a role when Zach asked for late-night mettings over wine and candlelight. Now Cameron Diaz, who is also interested in the project, is getting leery of Zach. "He hits on his costars," a source tells Star. "He's getting a bad reputation."]

His bad rep is nothing new - Zach reportedly arrived in Hollywood with a "hit list" of female celebs he hoped to bed when he became famous enough. His relationship with Mandy Moore supposedly ended because of his wandering eye. Whatever caused it, that split was not amicable. I love the vision of him trying to work his mojo on Aniston and Diaz. Both ladies are said to have well-honed senses of humor, but there are limits!

[Photo Credit: You sexy beast.]

A Hilarious New Twist!

50-cent-w-val-kilmer-ama-2009-wikipedia.jpg50 Cent released a sex tape last year - the only problem is that it wasn't his to release. This is certainly a new "twist" on the old "let's get naked for fame" game! Details, via Snarkerati

[50 Cent hasn't done himself any favors when it comes to releasing a sex tape last year. The only problem? It wasn't his sex tape that he released to the masses. He did insert himself into it, however. In the form of his alter ego, Curly, Fiddy put the tape on his website last year.

The woman featured in the tape, Lastonia Leviston, is royally miffed, too. She has filed a lawsuit in New York on Wednesday accusing the rapper of posted the film that she made in 2008 on his official website.

She claims that 50 Cent blurred out her partner's face and then altered the video to make it look like he was in the footage as Curly.

She is suing for the unauthorized use of her name and image, as well as the emotional distress caused by the video's release.]

Hint to 50: the footage isn't usually what you insert yourself into when making a sex tape. How many starlets will now come forward with similar news? "That wasn't me - someone cut and pasted my face into that video!" Call it the 50 Cent sex tape defense. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are not eligible. That ship has sailed, ladies!

[Photo Credit: 50 Cent with Val Kilmer. Val has nothing to do with the sex tape scandal, I just thought it was a funny picture.] 

And Now A Little Somethin' For The Ladies

anna-faris-jennifer-garner-separate-pics-side-x-side.pngThe Hangover was a smash hit - and now it's time to see if the ladies can rival its success. Given that it's Hollywood, where new ideas go to die, it's no surprise that the plot sounds eerily familiar. Details, via Bri's Cheese & Sleaze

[After the success of The Hangover in 2009, the creators of The Bachelorette Party are hoping for the same results. The plot is said to be "a high-school teacher recently left at the altar [who] must now send off her uptight cousin with a huge bachelorette bash."

Anna Faris and Jennifer Garner are rumored to star in the movie already being labeled as "the female Hangover". I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that Jennifer Garner will play the uptight cousin. Does she do anything besides uptight these days?]

I think "uptight" paired with "Garner" is being generous. "Permanent stick up the ass" doesn't even cover it. A few more details from NBC Philadelphia

[Faris and Garner are a bizarre duo, as anyone can see. Garner is the sort of safe, nice, friendly blandly gorgeous woman that typically populates just-add-water Hollywood comedies -- 30 Going on 13, The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past -- she lacks a certain edge. Even in films like Juno, she's cast because she is so vanilla. Faris, on the other hand, is the strangely hot girl with a goofy smile you cast when you want to go weird, dark or both -- Observe and Report, for example.

This project, based on the novel of the same name by Karen McCullah Lutz -- who is also writing the script and previously penned Legally Blonde and The Ugly Truth, among others -- has been kicking around for three years without gaining much traction. The success of The Hangover was apparently enough to get it back on track.

Garner and Lutz are less than inspiring, notwithstanding Lutz's Blonde success. But Nicole Kidman was once thinking about starring/producing and Faris' possible involvement gives it hope. Until this thing gets a director, the jury's out on whether it is going to work.]

So, the good news is that my assumptions have been challenged. I was of the mindset that this script was a hastily penned answer to the already established guy's hit. The bad news is that The Ugly Truth (costarring Kathryn Heigl and Gerard Butler) is one of the worst films I've ever seen - and I have a high threshold for pain. Let's hope this Vegas bachelorette party gone awry was penned in Lutz's Legally Blonde days. The ladies deserve to enjoy Sin City.

[Photo Credit: Anna Faris, left. Jennifer Garner, right.]

Editor's Note: I forgot to add that a "female Hangover" already exists! It's called Spring Breakdown and it's frickin' hilarious. Not only that, it's jam-packed with stars. The cast boasts Parker Posey, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Missi Pyle, Jane Lynch, Amber Tamblyn and Sophie Monk - to name a few. Unfortunately it was released straight to DVD and didn't receive the recognition it deserves. It's available to watch instantly on Netflix. I highly recommend that you check it out!

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

seth-green-side-view.jpg* Seth Green is engaged! I wonder if Robot Chicken will be his best man? ~ People Magazine

* Tiger Woods says "no way" to the use of his image on PETA billboards. He's animal enough! TMZ

* Jessica Simpson eats cockroaches as part of her new reality series on beauty. Gross - but still tastier than John Mayer. ~ Us Weekly 

* The Rolling Stones unearthed four new tracks from their epic album, Exile on Main Street. They were hiding under Mick Jagger's wrinkles the whole time! ~ The Daily Mail

* Kevin Jonas received a lecture in a grocery store, from his wife, on Valentine's Day. I'll bet he's so glad he stuck to that "waiting for marriage" thing. ~ Crazy Days & Nights

* Joan Rivers earns my respect with her awesome Victoria Beckham smack-down. Wicked and righteous!  ~ D-Listed

[Photo Credit: Seth Green, looking sly.]

Kendra, Meet Science...

Kendra-Wilkinson-Body-After-Baby-OK-Magazine-0219106-430x581.jpgKendra Wilkinson has decided she needs a boob reduction, despite the fact that she's breast-feeding her enormous, adorable child. Ironically Kendra, a former Playboy model, is unhappy with her giant knockers. Here's the secret - when she's done feeding the kid, her breasts will deflate. Magic! Hilarious details, via Celebitchy

[Kendra Wilkinson can't go one week without giving an "exclusive" interview to OK! Magazine or Life & Style or In Touch Weekly. The weird thing is that where Kendra used to annoy the hell out of me, now I kind of root for her. She's done well for herself in her post-Hef life - she's happily married, she's got a cute baby, she seems happy. Meanwhile, Holly Madison is calling the paparazzi to pose for ridiculous photos in Las Vegas, and the paps aren't returning her calls. So compared to Holly, Kendra's got her act together. However, even though I'm kind of liking Kendra these days, the girl is still dumb as a rock. In her two latest interviews, she complains about how big her boobs are after she gave birth (because she's breastfeeding) and she says she's considering breast reduction. It's like no one told her that her boobs go down when she stops breastfeeding. I just saw an ad for the new episode of Kendra and Hank's show on E!, and I was surprised to see in the ad that Kendra was complaining about how she and Hank didn't really know each other. Well, yeah. But I applaud her for acknowledging it.

Somebody also asked Kendra recently if she would pose for Playboy again, now that she's no longer Hef's girlfriend and she's had a baby. Kendra was remarkably conservative and low-key about the prospect, saying: "If I were asked, it'd be a hard decision, but I'd lean toward no. The Playboy chapter of my life is now closed. I would definitely model, but I don't think I would pose nude. I'm on to the next chapter of being a mom and a wife." Aw... that's kind of sweet. Considering she was the girl who got naked and soaped herself up in a Las Vegas hotel suite for the cameras, I think this might be progress.]

Ah, Kendra! How I love you - let me count the ways. Actually, let me letter the ways. A quote from Wilkinson herself: 

[I went from a 34C to an E. I had never even heard of that in my life. I'm on the E! Network, and I'm an E cup!]

Nietzsche would have competition, if he were alive. As it turns out, she's most likely neck and neck with Jessica Simpson...

[Photo Credit]

Jessica Simpson's Price Of Beauty

Here's a preview of Jessica Simpson's upcoming VH1 show, The Price of Beauty. I'd say the more obvious price is the chance of putting her intelligence, or lack thereof, on display. However, per usual, her intentions seem sweet. It doesn't appear to be the most scintillating programing, but it might take the sting out of that sexual napalm!

This Is Messed Up

I don't what kind of crazy ideas are being forced onto that little girl, but I think The Soup sums it up pretty well: 

[The sweet little misses vying to be deemed perfect are forced to learn a battery of pointless tricks toward supreme pageant recognition, but finally, 10-year-old Jordan provides an example of skills that can actually help her as an adult in the real world. Thanks to Little Miss Perfect, a job at Hooters is virtually guaranteed.]

This is exactly what I envision life will be like for the spawn of Paris Hilton, but with more diamonds. 

Hell, Yes!

Oh, happy day - Zoolander 2 is on the way! One of Ben Stiller's greatest creations has deserved a followup for years, and it looks like the sleeper hit is finally going to get its due. If a toy robot deserves a sequel, why not this? Details, via The Onion A.V. Club

[A mere nine years after Zoolander opened to mixed reviews and modest box-office Ben Stiller and the gang are re-upping for another adventure in male modeling. Nikki Finke of Deadline Hollywood is reporting that actor turned writer-director Justin Theroux will direct and co-write the script for Zoolander 2 with Stiller. The two recently collaborated on the screenplay for Tropic Thunder. According to the article, Jonah Hill is currently in negotiations to play the villain. Yay? All the same, let the Zoolander quoting commence!]

I could live without the addition of the overrated Jonah Hill and I don't know how they'll ever top Blue Steel - but I'm excited nonetheless. A few more deets, via Nikki Finke

[EXCLUSIVE: What's better than being really, really ridiculously good-looking like Zoolander? Being really, really ridiculously good-looking in the 2001 cult classic's sequel. Finally, Paramount and Ben Stiller are pulling together a PG-13 Zoolander 2 with Tropic Thunder and Iron Man 2 writer Justin Theroux who'll also direct. I've learned that Ben and Justin are working on the script together, and Theroux is going to Fashion Week in Paris to "immerse himself on what is current in fashion." "It's got momentum," a studio source just told me. Everyone's hoping Owen Wilson co-stars again but no deal is set. The villain likely will be Jonah Hill, who's in negotiations.

If you remember, Zoolander came out on September 28, 2001, right after 9/11 so no one ever saw the pic in theaters. But it was a hot DVD and is still a bestseller on iTunes. And when Ben Stiller goes overseas, he's always asked to do "Blue Steel" which is saying a lot about a movie that earned only $45M domestic and $16M international because of its lousy timing. The problem is that no one's sure what the sequel can do because the original was so thwarted. Paramount wants to keep the budget below $50M so what's being discussed is some upfront reductions in exchange for bigger upsides. And yet everyone still really wants to do the pic in order to bring Derek and Hanzel to life again.]

The crew is solid and Ben Stiller definitely has the comedic touch. Tropic Thunder was a surprise gem, so I'm looking forward to seeing what Justin Theroux can bring to life. Given the state of "cinema" - with toys getting more attention than actors and seventies television getting mined - this might be one of the brightest stars on the horizon.

The Perfect Match!

courtney-love-ass-plant.jpgCourtney Love has her sights set on a new man, at least for one night. The lucky lad is none other than John Mayer! It's a match appropriately made in hell - and it's no more, or less, than either one of them deserves. Details come via The Huffington Post, whose writers never fail in providing us with the most literal and unintentionally hilarious headlines. Today's gem is "Courtney Love Wants To Hate Fuck John Mayer, Has A Powerful Vagina" Well said, Huff Po: 

[Courtney Love has finally read John Mayer's Playboy interview in which he discusses sexual napalm Jessica Simpson and his white supremacist dick, and her reaction can be found on Twitter.

"do you ever feel like spite hate fucking @johncmayer just to put hi in his place, hes a better guitarist than me but not better in bed !" Love tweeted. "but like say your fucking @johncmayer totally throwing him around the room in bits and then you just BAM punch him in the face? good times"

Love took special issue with Mayer's comments on his sex life with his famous girlfriends.

"ive said far stupider shit than @johncmayer about my alist bfs tho ive been discreet. but about rockers i spill the beans," she continued.

Even though she feels Mayer deserves a good hate f***, Love says he's not really her type.

"oh dudes Mayers a little bland for me and youngish ill do young, but hes neither Yale Harvard Oxford and hes not really rock, so not for me," she wrote. And to a fan who asked her to clarify hate f***ing, she wrote, "hate fucking is an art like 'the pit' meaning you rape each other and then beat the shit our of each other so u can feel shit."

Although Mayer has resurfaced on Twitter after swearing to "quit the media game" two weeks ago, he has not addressed Love's comments. If he ever takes Love up on her offer, he might experience another powerful vagina.]

This might finally be enough to quiet John Mayer, if we're lucky. Though, knowing him, he's probably searching for a Teflon condom, with his fingers poised on the keyboard of his computer...

[Photo Credit: Goods on display.]

Better Than The Actual Film

I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but I think Avatar is one of the most overrated movies to come down the pike since... well, since James Cameron's last film. Yes, the special effects are astounding - but that didn't take away the sting of being denied a plot. However, I've found a satisfying alternative in Bavatar - greater than the original. Enjoy!

J.Lo Gets Dumped

chuck-lamb-w-claudia-vaquez.jpgWhose booty just got dropped from her record label? If you were guessing a certain "pop star" (using the term loosely) who needs to stay away from leather catsuits, you are correct! Yes, Jennifer Lopez has been let go from Sony. Interesting timing, given that she's got an album coming out. Details, via Celebitchy

[Jennifer Lopez has been dropped by her record label, Sony Universal. Her camp would have you believe that her contract ran out and both sides opted not to renew. This means that her upcoming album, Love, with such gems as "Louboutins" and "Fresh Out The Oven," does not yet have a distributor. It looks like that half-assed attempt to re-brand herself as "Lola" and cling to her past in skin tight catsuits couldn't make up for her lousy music. Lopez always has her mediocre romcom career to fall back on. Lopez has The Backup Plan coming out on April 23. (Her fertility comedy trumps by Jennifer Aniston's The Baster, a romcom with a similar plot, which isn't out in August.) I can't wait to see what Lopez wears on the red carpet. It's bound to be low cut, tight, and way too young for her. Lopez is also working on two more films, according to IMDB. Will she finally get the Oscar she thinks she deserves?]

And, needless to say, I have it on good authority that she was fired. Spin it all you want, J.Lo. You got served! Oh, and there's more to Jennifer's bad day. Remember the movie her first ex-husband, Ojani Noa, was threatening to put out? Well, it's a threat no more - it's becoming reality! Details, via X-17 Online

[Noa, along with co-producer Ed Meyer, has already started production on ESCAPING CUBA & THEN THE MAFIA..."How I created Jennifer Lopez!" The Ojani Noa Story. The 90-minute feature will begin when Noa and friends escaping Cuba. The film will also explore his high-profile relationship with Lopez, his struggling career as a bartender, as well as dive into his mob ties.

Noa and his megastar ex-wife have been involved in an ongoing legal battle involving their past as a couple, and keeping the details of their relationship under wraps. This movie is certainly a pressure point. But can J-Lo prevent its release? With the case currently going through the court system, millions of dollars are at stake. Who says Love Don't Cost a Thing?]

And it just gets more interesting from there - I've got a source on the set! This is gonna be fun. Look for tidbits from my pal, Chuck Lamb, as filming takes place. My only question now is, will Jennifer have the cojones to attend the premiere?

[Photo Credit: Exclusive photo, courtesy of Chuck Lamb. This is from a previous project he worked on with Claudia Vasquez. Claudia is Ojani's current girlfriend who, ironically, is set to play Jennifer Lopez in the movie. Look for a more in-depth interview with Chuck, coming this Friday!]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

hilary-duff-main-wikipedia.jpg* Hilary Duff's fiance supposedly spent $1 million on her engagement ring. I honestly had no idea hockey players made that much money. Looks like the Duffster has chosen well, if you're into that whole "over the top" thing. ~ What Would Tyler Durden Do?

* The Brendan Benson show was everything I'd hoped for and more. He and his band covered almost all of my favorite songs, including a generous encore. So happy! If you like him in The Raconteurs, you'll love his solo stuff. Check it out! ~ Brendan Benson Official Site

* Elizabeth Hurley is still an alpha-female, sari-wearing, attention-stealing biyotch. Employing the nip slip for the benefit of a little press - a time honored tradition almost as old as she is. ~ Celebslam

* "The Dollar Tree version of Posh & Becks" (that would be Cheryl Cole and her soon to be ex-husband, Ashley) are splitting up. Their backstory reads like a list of Tiger Woods' betrayals; but with a British accent. Classy! ~ D-Listed

* Shiloh Jolie-Pitt gots her hair cut and dyed and now looks like a little boy. I knew Angelina was jealous of her. ~ Lainey Gossip

* Mary-Kate Olsen split from her longtime beau, NYC artist Nate Lowman. How do mini-moguls console themselves? I assume top-shelf vodka and sodas are on that list... ~ Showbiz Spy

[Photo Credit: Hilary Duff, sitting pretty.]

Please Don't Do This, Jessica

Jessica Simpson, put down the pet pig! Seriously. Jess is in desperate need of a P.R. intervention. Does she even have an agent anymore - or is her dad/creep/manager just winging it here? Jessica adopting a pig is just too damn easy - the jokes are going to earn overtime on writing themselves. In between the "sexual napalm," being dissed by nearly every guy she's ever dated and farting in a business meeting - isn't it time to wedge in some good press? Please? 

This Totally Reminds Me Of Childhood

(And by totally I mean "not at all.") One mom's sword is another mom's dictionary to the face. Not that my mom actually threatened anyone, but I'm sure she was tempted. Why are schools so damn crazy these days? How can our next generation of leaders and citizens get any learning done if there're always sword fights in the hallways? Kids are already growing up thinking life is a video game...

Do I Have To?

Remember when Kirsten Dunst was famous for doing movies and actually, you know, acting? It's fuzzy in my mind, but I can access it if I try really hard. Right now she falls somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Rachel Bilson - teetering on the edge of "goodbye career" and "still hanging in there with my faux engagement." This video isn't going to do anything to help clear up those perceptions. Details, via Litely Salted

[No, seriously, what the hell is this? *Five-Second Google Search* Okay, so apparently this is part of some Pop Life exhibit over in London, which strikes me as a little odd considering this is less "Pop Life" and more "Hey, let's throw every goddamn Asian stereotype into a four minute video!" You know what? The hell with it. I'm gonna go make a video where I bathe in maple syrup while wearing a mountie costume then go out and ride a moose into the sunset. ART!]

Blame it on a combination of McG and desperation. Oh, and don't forget to add the sake!

Note To Self: Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick Are Not Brangelina

kourtney-kardashian-scott-disick-deal-w-devil-in-touch-cvr.jpgJust a reminder, as I feel hard pressed to keep it all straight these days. Which couple is faking it for the cameras? Who's using their relationship for press? Which baby daddy stays for the sake of the kid(s)? One thing remains crystal clear - Kourtney Kardashian appears on a second-rate "reality" show and Angelina Jolie is an international superstar set to steal Johnny Depp's heart. That clears it right up! There's more from the Kardashian camp - this week the tabloids claim that Kourt stays with Scott for the ratings. He is good at stirring up the drama - about the only thing he appears to be useful for. Here's another opinion, via Celebitchy

[Wow, Kourtney Kardashian and Patrick Bateman got their third In Touch Weekly cover story in a row! This relationship drama is officially just as epic as Brangelina's! I'm also enjoying the hyperbole In Touch has been employing for Scott and Kourtney. Last week, Scott was "the boyfriend from hell" and this week, Kourtney has made "a deal with the devil". What, perchance, was this Faustian bargain? That she could be famous and rich, but that her relationship would fall apart! You see, Scott and Kourtney are "faking it for the cameras". Epic. I'm primed to think the worst of him, but is it really that much of a stretch to believe that Scott is a f-cking douche? Not really. I'm honestly surprised that Kourtney seems to be trying so hard to make her relationship work. I would have been out of there... well, I wouldn't have gone home with it in the first place. Scott has serial killer eyes, and I don't go home with guys that look like that. Unless it's Peter Sarsgaard. Kourtney's insistence on making it work with Scott makes me feel for her a little. But if that's what she wants, she made her bed, et cetera.]

I love the Patrick Bateman reference, though I don't believe Scott is that smart. Let's hear a little from In Touch, since they seem to be so invested in this story: 

[Appearing together recently, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick seemed more like co-stars than a couple.

"Kourtney was sitting with her girlfriends, but Scott barely paid any attention to her," says a witness from the February 19 event. "He partied with his guy friends and let the hot cocktail waitress light his cigarette."

Until a group of photographers arrived -- and the stage show began. "Suddenly, Scott and Kourtney were all lovey-dovey," the witness marvels.

After the photographers were through, though, Scott walked away, paying little attention to her. As deep as Kourtney's problems run with Scott, he's proven to be Keeping Up With the Kardashians' breakout star -- and so she's forced to stay with him and continue the act, no matter how unhappy she is.

"Kourtney has never been more rich and famous in her life, but unfortunately, she's never been more miserable," says her friend. "Staying with Scott is good for her bank account, but he treats her like dirt, and she's growing unhappier by the day."]

So, is the weekly tabloid calling Ryan Seacrest the devil? He is, after all, the producer and main decision maker for the heavily scripted show. If so, things are finally getting interesting. If Kourtney is bowing to anyone, it's most likely Ryan. As for the Kardashians - as if any of them have souls to sell. That's officially the funniest thing I've heard all day.

[In Touch Weekly cover]

I Didn't Want You Anyway

jake_gyllenhaal_prince_persia_sands_time_shirtles_02.jpgI can almost hear James Cameron sticking his tongue out at Matt Damon and Jake Gyllenhaal from here. It's been recently revealed that James initially approached both Matt and Jake, offering either of the top-tier actors first crack at nabbing the lead blue man role in Avatar. Both actors refused to take the bait, leaving the break-out role free for Sam Worthington. Cameron claims Worthington was always his first choice. This is starting to sound a bit like the "he said, she said" of the increasingly cantankerous breakup of Abbie Cornish and Ryan Phillippe. Details, via Us Weekly

[Talk about regret!
Both Jake Gyllenhaal and Matt Damon turned down the starring role in blockbuster Avatar, the movie's director, James Cameron, tells the Los Angeles Times.

"I don't think they ever had a problem with the CG," Cameron said. "Honestly, did I go out and try to woo them? No. I had my heart set on Sam. Maybe they sensed my lack of 100 percent commitment from me. Maybe it was the subject matter. This was a big Star Wars-type movie. They're both serious actors."
Instead, Sam Worthington -- who was living in his car while struggling to become an actor -- got the part. Cameron tells the Times that he only approached big-name stars to please the movie studio, but Worthington was always his first choice.

Worthington has already signed up for the sequel to the flick, which has earned more than $2.5 billion in theaters worldwide. Gyllenhaal, 29, next stars in Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Damon, 39, is up for best actor in a supporting role for drama Invictus.]

No one rejects James! Something tells me the terrible script and the giant ego of a certain director probably factored heavily into the decisions of both Damon and Gyllenhaal. Something also tells me that both actors will bounce out of this unscathed, with lengthy careers in tact...

[Photo Credit: Pic spot goes to Jake - because who could resist this?]

Cheating With A Stripper Is The New "Hey, I'm Married!"

matthew-fox-madrid-wikipedia.jpgTiger Woods has opened Pandora's Box - both literally and figuratively, knowing him. Tiger doesn't stand alone - it's been quite a time for revelations in the lives of many high-profile married men. David Letterman, David Boreanza and Josh Duhamel come to mind. So it goes without saying that Lost hottie Matthew Fox is in "good" company as he joins the not-so elite "married men with stripper benefits" club. Details, via Perez Hilton

[Matthew Fox may have been married for 18 years with 2 children, but according to the National Enquirer, it isn't enough to keep him from effing a stripper. The 43-year-old Lost star has been accused of cheating on his wife with 26-year-old Stefani Talbott, a dancer at Stars Cabaret club in Bend, Oregon.

A witness to the alleged infidelity is cab driver Andi Watson, who claims that he drove them to the stripper's abode on December 29th of last year. "They kissed and touched each other in the cab," said Watson. And when he came back an hour and a half after dropping them off, "they were more romantic than before, kissing a lot more and hugging each other."

When they dropped off Matthew, the driver overheard the ho bragging to all her friends who she has just effed! clASSY!

Matthew denies that the event ever occurred, but the information suggests that the two have has sex on multiple occasions and the doting father loves to pAArty.]

A few more damning, dirt deets via The National Enquirer

[Stefani Talbott, 26, who danced at the Stars Cabaret club in Bend, confessed to the ENQUIRER: "Yes, I've been having an affair with Matthew Fox. We had sex together. I've kept voice mails and text messages from him." Stefani has told others of her incredible boasts about her alleged sexual exploits with the actor.

Yet the actor vehemently denies he had a sexual relationship with Stefani.
"Matthew's partying is out of control. He's boozing and carrying on with women. His carousing is at an all-time high," a source revealed.]

Welcome to the club, Matthew. I hear you get a mounted deer head with every stripper notch on your belt. Difficult to explain to the wife - but I'm sure you "hunt." Right?

[Photo Credit: Stoic and sunburned. A favorite combo.]

Robert "Fake Out" Pattinson

Thumbnail image for avatar-meets-twilight-faux-movie-poster.jpgRobert Pattinson has finally admitted publicly that he's dating Twilight costar Kristen Stewart! Or has he? Some gossip sites are saying that he's finally admitted the obvious. Others are speculating that the detailed quote is a little too convenient. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. Details, via Wikeez

[After a year of speculations, Robert Pattinson has finally confirmed he is dating his Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart. We already mentioned in an article on Wikeez that Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristan Stewart were spotted at a BAFTA after party. But no one saw this coming - Robert Pattinson has confirmed that he and Kristen were a couple. Robert finally broke his silence and told a British magazine: "It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can't arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy. This(the BAFTA) was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it's impossible. We are here together and it's a public event but it's not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention." 

Robert and Kristen were snapped leaving together the BAFTA after party dinner which was held at the Grosvenor House Hotel, at around midnight.
We should note that the Vancouver house which was the home of the Cullen clan in Twilight: New Moon is up for sale. Let us all hope that Robert and Kristen buy this house. This way we'll all know where to find the love birds!]

So, take that with a grain of salt. Meanwhile, one of the main go-to guys on the costar love-up, Ted Casablanca, says "yes" to dating and "no way" to public proclaiming. Details, via The Awful Truth

[Shocker. The Sun's exclusive interview where Robert Pattinson supposedly admits to dating Kristen Stewart didn't exactly go down like that. Apparently, Rob told a reporter he and Stewart were "together" at the BAFTA afterparty (tho they did leave together) and the British tabloid took the liberty of interpreting what that meant.

Look, we don't really care what K.Stew and R.Pattz are or are not saying on the record, 'cause we know what's going on behind the scenes. (Still, don't think that if Rob or Kristen ever decided to give that sit-down "yes, we're dating" interview we wouldn't totally love it...we just know that ain't Robsten's style.)]

Emotions are running high - ranging from "yes," "no" to my personal favorite, "I don't give a fuck." That last one would be mine.

[Photo Credit: Can't wait to see what the kids will look like!]


It sounds like Whitney Houston might have "Lindsay Lohan disease" - one person's "comeback" is another person's "crack-fueled rant." Who are we to say which is which? It's all perspective. For instance, I was rather crushed that my day was confounded by epic delays - leaving loyal readers content-free on PLP. One of the many things that threw a wrench in my day was a massive backup on the freeway. Not just a little holdup - no, this was 2 hours of detours - on top of a 3-hour drive. Frustrating! Then I realized the person responsible for this huge cock-up was most likely not with us anymore. Only a serious car wreck causes that kind of mayhem. A moment of silence. Where am I going with this? Just a little something about wrecks, Whitney Houston and Lindsay Lohan that are inexorably linked in my mind...

It Turns Out My College Boyfriend Was On To Something

My delightful college love had a few quirks: limiting the amount of times one could open the fridge, only allowing himself three swipes of deodorant under each arm and carting the same jar of sauerkraut to every apartment that we lived in were just a few a them. Luckily he was good looking and smart, so the odd things were diminished. He took daily naps, which I thought was an eccentricity (or, frankly, laziness) - it turns out he was growing brain cells! I don't know where he is today, but he's probably really successful. I'm going to follow his lead and start snoozing in the afternoon. It's time to kick things up a notch around here!

Alleged Theft Alert!

Thumbnail image for kim-kardashian-in-white-main-wikipedia.jpgKim Kardashian is being accused of stealing - and it's not my heart. There's no law to sanction my love against bad taste. Shame - it would save me a lot of time. Kim K is about to get in trouble though - she'd better roundup the wagons because she's got to get lawyered up. Details from StyleList, via Celebslam

[The Kim Kardashian fragrance [hits] Sephora stores this month. There's just one problem: The perfume's logo may not have been Kim's idea.

The double K logo on Kim's fragrance bottles bears a striking resemblance to the double K logo of a jewelry line called Korcula. In fact, back in 2008, Korcula creator Lindley Bertin sent Kardashian one of the gold necklaces shown above as a gift (pic here). Bertin thought Kardashian would love the fact that the Korcula brand's logo included her initials, and she was right: Kim was seen wearing the necklace, and Bertin was flattered.

That is, of course, until she saw Kardashian's perfume bottes come out this year. Bertin told StyleList, "I am disappointed that someone would take something from me that I put so much time, energy, and money into creating." The designer feels that the Kardashian fragrance logo is a rip-off of her own, and has enlisted the help of mega-lawyer David Boies to resolve the matter.]

Evidence? Damning. But it's Kim we're talking about, and she's already going to hell. More opinion, via Celebslam

[Seriously, be extra careful with your original logos around Kim Kardashian because she will straight-up steal them. Whew, thank god I was able to warn you guys in time. Is anyone really surprised by this story? Kim's never had an original idea in her life. Sex tape? Done by Pamela Anderson. Huge ass? Done by Jennifer Lopez. Getting pissed on? Done by half the 13-year-olds in Chicago . . . by R. Kelly. No, if Kim really wants to be original, she has to have something that no other reality star before her has ever had: huge implants too much make-up talent.]

Kris Jenner is an extraordinarily supportive attempted spotlight stealer mom. So we're going to have to enlist the help of an objective third party to inform Kim that the sun doesn't actually shine out of her ass. Her judgement is fallible. Reggie Bush, I'm looking to you...

[Photo Credit: So noble.]

Editor's Note: PLP is in transit today. There will be more posting taking place later this afternoon. Thanks for your patience! xo

You're The Cartoon, Billy Corgan

jessica-simpson-billy-corgan-in-the-studio.jpgI wonder if Jessica Simpson is regretting her decision to get hitched young, as well as stay a virgin until her wedding night? Or do these "deep thoughts" occur to her? I'm asking because it seems like she's living her life in reverse. Most women date, get their hearts broken, break a few of their own and learn about love before getting married. No one really ever skips these steps - it just depends on what order you do them in. Sure, Jess was a virgin when she wed the erstwhile Nick Lachey - but to what end? She's had plenty of bone since then, so the "saving herself" kind of seems null and void. Not only that, she's suffered plenty of humiliating experiences in her love life - publicly - because she doesn't know how to handle herself. She's still in the learning curve as she nears her thirties - and frankly I wouldn't envy anyone for that. The latest man to diss Jess is none other than Smashing Pumpkins goon, Billy Corgan. Bitch, please. And I'm not speaking to Simpson. Details, via Snarkerati

[If Jessica Simpson wasn't having a bad enough week, it appears that Billy Corgan, her once rumored boyfriend, is going to crap all over it even further. After the two were rumored to be dating, the news hit the internet with people left wondering who was getting the short end of that stick.

Corgan says that they weren't hooking up and that he was only helping her with a theme song for her new show. What leads me to believe that this is incorrect is because after the news hit that he dumped her, she removed all of his pictures (like the above photo) from her Twitter page. Coincidence?

He said, "She asked me to help her out on the theme song for her new TV show. It has an interesting concept. She goes around the world to show how different people perceive beauty. In some cultures, bigger is better. In some, smaller is better. It's interesting...The stuff that I've seen doesn't have any bearing to the reality that I'm in. It's like being in a cartoon. It has nothing to do with what's really going on or how I feel." Did he just use her as an analogy to a cartoon?]

Granted, Jessica isn't rumored to exactly be an intellectual giant - but her good intentions far outweigh Billy's lifelong commitment to being a douchebag. What Simpson really needs is an evening at home with "He's Just Not That Into You" and a new publicist. As for Corgan, the smoothest thing he should be allowed to touch is his own bald head - so it looks like things are working out perfectly on that end. 

[Photo Credit: Studio daze]

A Parody For Swifty

I knew the tide would turn at some point for Taylor Swift - it looks like that time might be now. Taylor is undeniably cute, sweet and talented. But what does it say about our celebrity culture that she stands out because she's nice? The tyranny of the virgin must end. Here's a great little nugget from Autostraddle that sums it up: 

["Why does Swift seem, at 20, a decade younger than 23-year-old Lady Gaga? 'Cause Taylor is the ingénue: eternally childlike, obedient and one-dimensional.]

Read Evil Beet's rant here and the Autostraddle article in its entirety here. Perhaps Taylor's alleged hookup with John Mayer might not be the worst thing in the world afterall. It sounds like it might be time to grow up. Sex sells - so why can't Swift have both?

I Applaud Her Liberal Interpretation Of "Sober"

Thumbnail image for lindsay-lohan-with-shot.jpgIf I interpreted "sober" the same way as Lindsay Lohan, I'd be having a lot more fun. That, or I'd be in jail. Looks like it works out about equal for LiLo as well. You may have heard that Lindsay made the news again. No, not for acting or anything crazy like that. Rather Lohan sat down and chatted with The Sun to reveal all, including the fact that she's now drug-free! Okay. Click here for the full-length bullshit interview. Meanwhile, the opinion pieces that have been flowing from nearly every gossip blog are a heck-of-a lot more believable. First up is Crazy Days and Nights

[I never thought I would see the day where Lindsay Lohan agreed to talk to a tabloid. Scratch that. It is an easy way for her to make a buck so I can definitely see it. Lindsay spoke to The Sun this weekend and took pictures with their reporters and everything. Good time was had by all. She talks about the history of her drug abuse and how she hit rock bottom but is totally clean now. Seriously she says it. I know, I know, but please, try not to hurt yourself laughing. Oh, the best part by far though is when she says this line, "I was only aware of cocaine because of my dad. I was terrified of it. But I tried it because I was stubborn, stupid, and wanted to see what it was like. It's not something I ever want to do again. It made me feel like s***. It became uninteresting to me. I'm hyper anyway and I have that kind of personality so I don't need something like that."

So she says she only started doing coke because of her dad. God, I love the Lohan family. Now Michael can make a couple of bucks responding to this accusation and the circle just keeps going and going. She makes it sound like she only tried coke once. Oh, I have to stop reading. I'm crying from laughing so hard. Wait. Guess why she went to rehab? Ambien. Yes. She said she fell asleep while on Ambien so had to check herself into rehab. Ambien is for sleeping. That is what happens when you take it. Nothing was wrong with her other than she took an Ambien. She cracks me up.]

And the best summary of Lindsay's life, from What Would Tyler Durden Do

[For the record, between the time when she said she didn't drink or do drugs and just wanted to work 12 months ago and when she said the same things this weekend, she's been in a fist fight with her gay lover, went drinking until 4am with her 15 year old sister, took $15,000 in clothes from Kitson, stole and drank two bottle of champagne from Crown Bar, maybe did coke in a bathroom, got called before a judge because she wasn't fulfilling the obligations of her parol, was late for court because she was out drinking until 2am the night before, left a bar drunk at 3:30am with her 15-year-old sister and threw beer cans at the paparazzi, got kicked out of her New York hotel for screaming and throwing a room service tray against the door of a complete stranger, took her 15-year-old sister to bars until 1am, drank until 6am then got in a fight with her lesbian lover, drank vodka and curled up in a ball on the floor of a club in London. That doesn't even cover the entire 12 months. That only goes back to June.]

Yep, it's as bad as I thought. Her version of straight-edging it is my version of a night with shots of Patron. Apparently both will find you running down the street yelling - just for the heck of it. I don't know who she thinks she's fooling, except herself. She should save up the actressin' for an actual audition. This performance is "wasted" on the public at large...

[Photo Credit: Bottoms up!]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* Suri Cruise's status as a fashion icon is in jeopardy! Madonna's newest acquisition adopted child, Mercy, is stepping up to the plate - and hedging into some dangerous territory. I sense a playground dual coming on... ~ D-Listed

* Holy of holies - Angelina Jolie deigns to let her estranged father, Jon Voight, hang with her and the Rainbow Brood in Venice. More photos, executed with "military precision," I assume? ~ Bitten & Bound

* Sarah Jessica Parker is a virgin... to Twitter. ~ Page Six

* I used to think Jennifer Love Hewitt was downgrading with her Jamie Kennedy hookup. Now I see that they're equals. ~ Celebslam

* Help find Boner from Growing Pains - seriously! ~ Bitten & Bound

* If you don't own every song in Brendan Benson's musical catalog, you need to get crackin'! Some of the best music, ever. I'm seeing him at The Rhythm Room in Phoenix tonight - expect me to still be high with joy tomorrow. 

[Photo Credit: Brendon Benson, doing what he was born to do. I mean playing music, not appearing on PLP.]

She Should Go For It!

conner-cruise-with-dad-tom-cruise.jpgIs there a little romance brewing on the set of Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz's upcoming flick, Knight And Day? Yes and no - and, as suspected, Tom Cruise is not involved. You don't think he'd cheat on his true love? (That being his reflection in the mirror.) Nope - it's Tom's son, Connor! The fifteen-year old is said to have a massive crush on his daddy's costar. Well, at least he's got good taste. Details, via Chelsea Lately

[Star magazine reported that Tom Cruise's son Connor has a big crush on Cameron Diaz. Connor hung out on the set of the movie Knight and Day a lot, where his dad and Cameron were working together.  A "source" said that the teen thinks Cameron is "gorgeous" and gets very "shy and nervous" around her. Unfortunately, Connor is 15 years old and Cameron is in her 30s.  He should probably set his sights on someone who would actually be interested in him...like Madonna.]

Heh, heh. Madonna would probably take him on, if it weren't for the competing religions. I don't think Scientology and Kabbalah would play nice. Meanwhile, I think Cameron should go for it. Connor's easily got more money - and talent - then her ex, Justin Timberlake!

[Photo Credit: Booty call? Mission: Possible!]

I Hope They're Checking ID's At The Oscar After Parties

Thumbnail image for new-moon-poster-official-405x600.jpgLook - it's the cast of Twilight! The Academy Awards are hip again! It's almost as magical as vampires in love. More details, via Us Weekly

[The Oscars are getting younger this year.
In a bid to boost ratings, New Moon stars Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will present an award at the March 7 show. Also slated to read off the nominees: Disney stars Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron, ABC confirmed Monday. Last year's winners Penelope Cruz, Sean Penn and Kate Winslet will also present, it was announced earlier. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will host the show.]

The Twilight cast is one thing - at least they've been in actual movies. Miley Cyrus and Zac Efron's films are the equivalent to the pages of Seventeen magazine, set to music. How is it that Miley Cyrus deserves to be at the Oscars? She should at least have the decency to take her new stepfather, Bret Michaels. It's good to know the producers of the Oscars are willing to cheapen themselves for an advertising buck. In this economy? We're lucky they're not sending Miley to the podium nude. We'll just have to be patient and wait for that online.

[Photo Credit: Vampires, werewolves and Oscar presenters. Oh, my!]

The Universe Has Been Upended

robert-pattinson-main-wikipedia.jpgI'd be scared, if I wasn't drunk. Ah, I jest. I'm daydreaming of my first SXSW margarita. Less than one month to go and counting. One of my arbitrary 2010 goals was to not drink a drop of alcohol from January 2 (January 1 was soaked in mimosas and bloody marys) until I arrive in Austin, Texas for SXSW. Why? I don't know why. But I said I was going to do it, and so I am. I've never been so bored in my entire life, but I'm sticking by my word. I know I've been deprived of alcohol for an exceedingly long time when I see billboards for Bud Light Lime and think, "Man, that looks good." What's even more terrifying? Robert "Sparkles" Pattinson with flat, greasy hair! That just ain't right. Robert showed up at last night's BAFTA's with his special none-do - where his rumored girlfriend and Twilight costar, Kristen Stewart, was also in attendance. Too bad he's now allergic to vaginas! Details, via D-Listed

[Robert Pattinson showed up to the BAFTAs in London last night looking like he accidentally grabbed the lube bottle instead of the bottle of Dep gel. We've all made that mistake before (just nod like you mean it), but this is absolutely dreadful. It's like his scalp is crying greasy hair tears. Maybe this is the result of his allergic reaction to vaginas. I mean, James Cameron was there.

RPattz could've at least thrown a Bumpit in there for a little height. The sparkle vamp isn't the same unless he looks like he just chewed on a live wire. Hopefully, this is just a one-time fuck up and the unicorns will be back soon to frolic. Moving on...

Everyone seems to think that the big surprise of the BAFTAs was that The Hurt Locker won a bunch of shit. But to me, the biggest surprise was that Kristen Stewart actually won something, and it wasn't for Best Impersonation of a Cardboard Cutout.

Here's some of the winners last night, click here for a full list.

Best Film: The Hurt Locker

Outstanding British Film: Fish Tank

Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker

Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air

Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man

Best Actress: Carey Mulligan, An Education

Best Supporting Actor: Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, Precious

Rising Star: Kristen Stewart]

Click on the D-Listed link above for the greasy Pattinson photos. Hopefully Robert's hair was flattened from Kristen's palms and not some ridiculous re"vamping" of his image. Oh, and congrats to those award winners! You'd think I'd have better train of thought, considering my extreme soberness. 

[Photo Credit]


angelina-jolie-johnny-depp-life-&-style-cvr.jpgThe Tourist is set to begin filming tomorrow - everybody, hang on to your hats! The most anticipated pairing of Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp will be epic - if not in reality, than certainly in the eyes of the scandal-hungry tabloids. Rumors of an impending affair have been swirling for months - and this is before the two have even laid eyes on each other. Imagine what will happen after the first love scene! Johnny recently sat down with Coming Soon to chat about the film. Here's an excerpt of the interview, via Celebitchy

[Q: Can you talk a little about what you're doing on The Tourist and how you're enjoying working with Angelina Jolie? Depp: Well, I haven't done anything yet.

Q: When do you start shooting? Depp: I think Tuesday.

Q: What was it about the project that made you want to sign on? Depp: I liked the French version, the French film. I liked it a lot. My friend played the part in that and I liked it and I thought, yeah, it might be interesting to explore this kind of character. But I mean you never know what's going to happen. I suspect there might be a few paparazzi in Venice.]

A few paparazzi? There will be no one left in L.A. to cover the rest of the acting population! A little more info, via Celebitchy

[Johnny also talked to Fox News about going to Europe to work with Jolie, saying "You never know what's going to happen. I suspect there may be a few paparazzis in Venice." Then he said it will be "swell" to work with Angelina. Sigh... seriously, Vanessa Paradis and Brad Pitt are going to have to watch their backs. It's going to be epic.]

Swell. Already burying the sexual tension with placid accolades. Nice try, but it won't work. If I were Vanessa, I'd be sending Johnny to work with a string of garlic around his neck...

[Life & Style magazine cover]

I Could See This Coming From A Mile Away

abbie-cornish-ryan-phillippe.jpgIt helps to have perspective on any situation involving love - and if I were pals with Abbie Cornish, I would have told her that she was gonna get screwed. Hot rumor of the day is that Abbie and her longtime boyfriend, Ryan Phillippe, have split after three torrid years together. And guess what? The only one who's surprised is Ms. Cornish. Here're a few details, via Star Magazine

[After three years together, Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish have called it quits. Star first broke the news that there was trouble in paradise in our Jan. 11 issue. "The main thing is that Abbie wants to be married and start a family, and she feels it's beyond time for Ryan to make that happen," says a source.

But Ryan, who has two children with ex-wife Reese Witherspoon, was hardly acting like a man who's ready to settle down. He was spending more and more time partying, says the source -- and flirting with other girls.

Abbie's rep confirmed the split but said, "No comment," when asked why the couple broke up. On Sunday, the actress was spotted moving out of the house she shared with Ryan. Ryan and Abbie met while filming Stop-Loss in 2006, while he was still married to Reese.]

I can see why Abbie would fall hook, line and sinker for Ryan. He's gorgeous, charming and keeps his douchey side somewhat under wraps. All any of us can do when entering a romantic relationship is put our best foot forward and hope all goes well. But anyone could see the writing on the wall for Abbie. Here's why she was a fool: 

1.) She's a doppleganger for Ryan's ex-wife, Reese Witherspoon. That always gives me the creeps. I call it "ghost sex" - the ex's face, your body. No good.

2.) She was the transitional woman. Not only that, Abbie started out as the other women. Never a good way to begin a relationship. Let him work out his issues and come to you when he's ready.

3.) People need to sow their proverbial "wild oats" - men in particular. Ryan was already too young to settle down when he and Reese got married. How would going straight into another committed relationship give him time to get that all-important partying out of his system? Starting another family right away would be a recipe for disaster. Sorry, Abbie. You're a pretty girl, but you were a placeholder. 

4.) He's cheated before, he'll cheat again. It's the simplest math in the world. 1 married man + 1 wife + 1 mistress = repeat. See how the mistress never leaves the equation?

5.) There were strong rumblings that Ryan was jealous of Reese's success. Their relationship seemed to sour shortly after she nabbed her Oscar for Walk The Line. Abbie recently landed on the cover of Vanity Fair as a young actress to watch. Next thing ya know, she and Phillippe are splitsville. Coincidence? 

6.) Anyone who parties with Lindsay Lohan is cruisin' for a bruisin'. As one astute reader pointed out - have you ever noticed that Lindsay and Ryan are often in the same place, at the same time? Things that make you go, "Hmm." Or, more succinctly, things that should make you run like hell.

[Photo Credit]

Here She Is, Shakin' That Ass

The level of delusion it takes to be Jennifer Lopez continues to astound me. Why, why, why is she still trying to shake her shit, in a leather catsuit no less? I guess the easy answer is that she wouldn't be J.Lo if she wasn't trying to hog the spotlight in some ridiculous manner. Ah, the woman we know and "love." Details, via Celebitchy

[There's video of Jennifer performing a medley of her songs, and it's... rough. I suppose I could give Jennifer credit for attempting to sing live. But she should know by now that she's not the best live singer, and that hearing her sing live isn't why people come. [Jennifer says, in the video above] "You didn't know I could do that did you?" Uh... yes, we did know that you couldn't sing live and dance in time all while wearing a yeasty leather catsuit. But, seriously, I love that Jennifer tried. I give her credit for trying. She's funny when she tries. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again: I am not a Jennifer Lopez hater. I kind of like her and all of her diva antics. I get enjoyment from how she's so full of herself and how she thinks we've all been sitting around, praying for her musical/dancing/acting/fashion comeback. And in some ways, we have been sitting around waiting for it. Because Jennifer is usually newsworthy. Even if it's the bad kind of newsworthy.]

I think the rarified air must be making her high. First her Oscar demands and now this. I thought Jennifer was transitioning into being a talk show host? Really, that's where her talents lie - in getting paid to talk about her herself. Sure, she might throw a few guests on the stage with her - but only the ones that wouldn't distract from her fabulousity. When will she mercifully fade into obscurity?

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* Have you been missing Conan O'Brien? It looks like he's having a blast on his extended vacation. I'm all for modesty, but what's with the formal wear in the water? Ah, comedians. You can never figure them out.

* I used to have a crush on Ben Stiller. Now? Not so much. Actually, not at all. ~ Celebitchy

* Knox Jolie-Pitt has been found. And he's not that beef-eater Brad Pitt has been lugging around Venice. ~ D-Listed

* Octomom is dating! I don't know if I can think of a scarier concept that this - and I watch a lot of horror films. ~ Celebslam

* Hilary Duff is engaged - just days after ex-boyfriend Joel Madden announces he's to wed Nicole Richie. Coincidence, love or competition? Ironically this sounds a lot like Screw, Marry or Kill... ~ Gossip Cop

* Mira Sorvino has got it goin' on! And don't even say cougar - bitch surpasses that nonsense with ease. ~ Janet Charlton's Hollywood

* Mother hen Kris Jenner has it out with Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend, Scott Disick. Kris is claiming that Scott's poor behavior should have him ousted from the family. Call it "Disick's downward dog" if you will. ~ Us Weekly 

* Feeling hungry? Dig into this deep dish of celebrity blind vices! ~ Ted Casablanca's Awful Truth

Panty Line Press is currently posting Mondays thru Fridays. I look forward to meeting you back here Monday, February 22. I'll be seeing one of my all-time favorite musicians, Brendan Benson, this weekend. I can't wait to tell you all about it! I hope your weekend is prettier than a pop star. xo

She's Already Sung Into His Microphone...

Thumbnail image for miley-justin-milkshakes.jpgMiley Cyrus and Justin Gaston might be getting back together - at least in the recording studio. Yeah, I was wondering when Justin would try to weasel his way back into the limelight after coldly being tossed into obscurity. Details, via Showbiz Spy

[Miley Cyrus' ex-boyfriend wants to record a duet with her. Underwear model Justin Gaston, who dated The Climb singer for nine months until June 2009, would work with her if the right opportunity came along. "Ah sure," he said. "In the future, if it's a great song then why not."

Justin, 21, initially met 17-year-old Miley when her father Billy Ray Cyrus was presenting talent show 'Nashville Star' in 2008, on which he was a contestant. The pair split after Miley went to shoot the movie 'The Last Song' and met and began dating co-star and former 'Neighbours' actor Liam Hemsworth. Friends of Miley have recently claimed she wants to settle down and get married."She says she can't wait to turn 18 this year so she could do whatever she wants -- even marry Liam -- and no one can stop her," a source said.]

Okay, so he might not be chomping at the bit to crawl back to Chez Cyrus. Either that, or he is holding back the tears. Meanwhile, I can't wait for Miley to turn eighteen either - all the more legal to make fun of her with...

[Photo Credit: Miley and Justin, back when ice cream was enough.]

It Was All Fun And Games - Until She Stole My Purse

suri-cruise-salvatore-ferragamo-bag.jpgAlright, Suri Cruise and her fashion sense have officially gone too far. Now she has a limited edition Salvatore Ferragamo handbag, valued at over $800. We were on equal "playing" ground with the high heels and the red lipstick. But this? She's thrown down the gauntlet. I don't know how I'm going to weasel my way into the Holmes-Cruise household, or how I'll whittle myself down to a size zero, but when I do those precious gems will be mine. I hope Suri is ready to bounce over to the Jolie-Pitt household. I hear the Rainbow brood have to share toys. Absolutely barbaric. Here're a few purse deets, for kicks, from PopCrunch

[Suri Cruise, the 3-year-old daughter of Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, was spotted carrying a metallic designer bag worth $837. The tot's new Salvatore Ferragamo Sofia handbag was a downsized version of Katie's $1,735 bronze metallic Sofia bag, London's Daily Mail revealed this week. Suri, who previously made headlines by wearing high heels, also sparked controversy with her wardrobe again this week when she was snapped wearing red lipstick while accompanying her famous parents to a Broadway show. The lipstick "goes well beyond playing dress-ups in private at home" and blurs the lines between child and adult, Australian adolescent psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg told The Herald Sun on Friday.]

Yeah, Suri - leave a little something for adulthood. You'll regret blowing your wad on your toddlerhood when you realize the only things you have left to look forward to are an addiction to cheese and discovering Sex & The City for the first time.

Athletes, Gaming And Prostitutes - Just As God Intended

Here's a pretty interesting news bite about the Olympics, the athletes and how these amazing people celebrate their triumphs. I'm all for avoiding plastic as much as possible, but in this case I applaud the use! Have you been watching the Winter Olympics? I can never tear myself away from the figure skating. It's hypnotizing. Almost as fascinating as the crazy prostitute to medal winner ratio!

I Guess Brad Pitt Wasn't Up For A Prison Break

melainie-laurent-main-wikipedia.jpgDo you recall last week's little tidbit about Ewan McGregor and how he was allegedly, openly flaunting an affair with his costar, Melanie Laurent, in Paris? It turns out that Ewan might not have been her first choice - she originally had Brad Pitt in her sights! I guess Brad wasn't ready to bust out of the prison he's in - or perhaps he did take the bait and that's why Angelina Jolie's neck looks like a python. Muscles bulge when clinched in anger and denial! Details, via Celebitchy

[Last week, there was some breaking news when Ewan McGregor was photographed strolling around Paris at night hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm with French actress Melanie Laurent, best known to American audiences for her performance in Inglourious Basterds. Ewan is married, you see, and has been for 15 years. And Melanie is not that wife. So, scandal, except most people pretty much think that Ewan and his wife Eve have an open relationship, so the most Ewan can be accused of is indiscretion. Star Magazine has a piece about Ewan and Melanie, but they included a new twist on the story: apparently, before Melanie got her hands on Ewan, she tried to seduce Brad Pitt on the Basterds set. Merde! Homewrecker FAIL!!! No, what was that again? You mean Melanie was the one who was after Brad, and not Diane Kruger, as widely reported?!? You mean the tabloids lied? Yeah. And as for the whole "Melanie is the one pushing herself on taken men" thing...hmm.]

Melanie is nothing if not bold! It takes some serious balls to tangle with Angelina. Does she really think she could withstand the onslaught of a Jolie smackdown? Please, Laurent is a mere mortal. However, I do appreciate Mel's bid to make Brangelina interesting. More details from the Star magazine print edition, via Celebitchy

[Move over, Angelina Jolie - blonde stunner Melanie Laurent is emerging as Hollywood's top man stealer! Although Melanie failed to snare Angie's mate, Brad Pitt when the two worked on Inglourious Basterds, Melanie has now set her sights on married dad of three, Ewan McGregor.

The duo, who finished shooting the drama Beginners in December, left a Paris eatery hand in hand on February 9. "Melanie was snuggling up to Ewan," says an observor. "They were very tender with each other."

Another insider says Ewan's 15 year marriage to Eve is no obstacle for Melanie: "Melanie is shameless. She flirted with Brad constantly during filming and was extremely touchy-feely. He didn't give in to her - but it looks like Ewan is hardly pushing her away!"]

Click on the above Celebitchy links for photos of Brad, Angie, Melanie and Ewan. While I do wish Brad would stray, this obviously isn't the gal for the job. Allegations aside, I'm loving the thickening of the plot...

[Photo Credit: Melanie, makin' the rounds.]

William Shatner's Twitter Coup

william-shatner-main-wikipedia.jpgTwitter delight Shit My Dad Says is hitting the airwaves - with William Shatner attached. Shit My Dad Says is a very good thing. William Shatner? Not so much. Will the casting decision put this highly anticipated project in jeopardy before it even starts? Or will this be Shatner's Betty White style comeback moment? Details, via Gossip Cop

[According to a report, William Shatner has been cast in a pilot for the TV adaptation of Twitter phenomenon "Sh*t My Dad Says." Pop culture icon Shatner is set to play the father, The Hollywood Reporter is reporting.

The wildly popular Twitter account by the same name was started by Justin Halpern, who regales more than a million followers with his father's quirky (and frequently off-color) comments. "Will & Grace" creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick picked up the project for development last fall.]

The Shat is notoriously cranky, so he might be perfect for the role. However his ego is also the size of the Titanic - and we all know what happened with that hot mess...

[Photo Credit]

What In The What, Now?

Photoshop_Gone_Wrong_With_Taylor_Swift.jpgI've heard of photoshop disasters (Demi Moore's missing hip comes to mind) - but then I saw this cover with Taylor Swift and knew I'd seen the pinnacle of disaster. It looks like John Mayer got ahold of a plastic love doll and merged it with his alleged hookup, Swifty. See what happens when Mayer sullies the goods? John can do no right. 

[Image and magazine credit via Gone Hollywood]

I Don't Buy A Word Of It

It's not enough for me. How can it possibly be enough for Elin? Grab some of those Nikes and run, girl! Tiger Woods is said to heading back to rehab immediately following this flat, lifeless speech - so she'll have plenty of time to pack!

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Thumbnail image for miley-sex-on-table.jpg* See Miley Cyrus and her hungry, hungry shorts. Picking up where Justin Gaston left off? ~ Celebrity Jihad

* Katie Price (aka Jordan) preps her tiny daughter for the big time. I'll ask, once again, - why is Katie allowed to retain continued custody of her children? ~ D-Listed

* Gabourey Sidibe is classy; shows how it should be done. ~ Crazy Days & Nights

* The most awesomely comprehensive piece you'll ever read about Tila Tequila. Seriously. ~ Hobo Trash Can 

* Ali Lohan's decision to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on may not be the best idea she's had... ~ D-Listed

* Has Angelina Jolie allegedly given in to Botox? Her neck muscles sure seem to think so! ~ Us Weekly

* See newlyweds Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa on a romantic shopping spree. Oh, wait - they look miserable. Could it be that things are a little off in the bedroom? ~ Janet Charlton's Hollywood

* Lindsay Lohan has been booted from Fashion Week. Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne has become the toast of NYC. The world has officially been turned on it's axis. ~ The Daily Mail

Ah, The Follies Of Youth

Sometimes I sit around and contemplate how I'd like to sell the newborn child that I don't have for a shot at redoing my teen years. Then I see a video like the one above and I count my blessings while clinging to my Retin-A. I guess I don't have too much to regret - at least I put my driver's license to good use and took myself to Planned Parenthood for some birth control. A great decision that has resonated for many, many carefree years! I'm proof positive that you can be a teenager and have safe sex. Granted, it didn't land me my own reality show - but it's made for a happier life. Enough about me - here's a brief summary of the clip above, courtesy of The Soup: 

[According to the website for MTV's new season of 16 and Pregnant, Jenelle is a "North Carolina beach bunny who loves partying." Presumably, that unrelenting teenage passion for the good times involved getting knocked up. Well, these things happen. Now she's stuck between her angry mom and time bomb boyfriend. It just can't get any worse. Actually, it probably can.]

Katy Perry's Fiance Is Gonna Be In Another Mooovie

You can't bring up Russell Brand these days without mentioning Katy Perry. Those two have caused quite a stir during their whirlwind romance. I'm distracted by Katy's luscious cleavage; I can't even imagine how Russell must feel. Regardless, he's found time to work! Brand is in good company for his next flick - he's basically being paid to act like himself, surrounded by talent. Russell is re-teaming with the Forgetting Sarah Marshall crew to follow up on his FSM character, rock star Aldous Snow. Details, via First Showing

[Right after Forgetting Sarah Marshall hit in 2008, Universal decided to make a spin-off featuring rock star Aldous Snow (played by Brit Russell Brand), the crazy idiot who is screwing Jason Segel's woman. This is that spin-off, titled Get Him to the Greek, about an assistant at P. Diddy's record label who has to fly to London and "get" Snow back for a performance in LA. Basically, they're selling it like The Hangover mixed with an annoying "sweaty little drunk idiot covered in puke" sidekick, played by Jonah Hill. To be entirely honest, I actually think this looks good. It's got some funny moments and I'm really looking forward to it. Get Him to the Greek is both written and directed by comedy mastermind Nicholas Stoller, the filmmaker behind Forgetting Sarah Marshall previously and a screenwriter for Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man as well. Jason Segel is also credited for the creation of the character Aldous Snow. Universal is bringing Get Him to the Greek to theaters everywhere on June 4th this summer. So is this something you'll be seeing?]

There is a certain ridiculous charm to Brand, which is why his screen presence works. Jonah Hill and Michael Cera are similar actors - they essentially bring the same stumbling characters to every role. It's what people want to see from them, so it works. I agree that this film looks fun - it's a perfect "bring a designated driver and drink tons of beer" drive-in type flick. I'm not going out of my way, but if it's in front of my face I'm gonna watch it. Half the fun is looking forward to the red carpet. Will Katy Perry arrive at the premiere with a bun in the oven

Is James Cameron Being... Nice?

james-cameron-main-wikipedia.jpgThere's no denying that James Cameron creates blockbusters. Most of his films aren't to my liking, but they make an indelible mark on our culture. Everyone is familiar with his work, from The Terminator to Titanic. His latest movie, Avatar, has shattered all kinds of records and is being hailed as a new form of filmmaking. It's just a shame they forgot to include a script. A not so well-kept secret is the size of Cameron's ego. His "I'm king of the world!" Oscar acceptance speech for Titanic left a lot of people shaking their head's in awe. Sorry, James - it wasn't that good. Perhaps age has mellowed him. I doubt he's ever tasted humble pie, but something has changed his tune. And the new James is, dare I say, nice. Huh. Details, via Celebitchy

[One of the biggest contests of the year will be for Best Director and Best Picture. James Cameron and Avatar seem like the easy favorites - Avatar, after all, has made a bajillion dollars, and Cameron and his team pretty much invented a new way to make movies. So you'd think Cameron and Avatar would be the established winners by now, right? Not so much. Because Hollywood loves to shatter a glass ceiling, and this year that glass ceiling might be for the first woman to ever win Best Director, Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker. She also happens to be Cameron's ex-wife. And she also happens to be a director Cameron has long-championed.

When Cameron was being interviewed by Charlie Rose yesterday, he claimed that his "fantasy" was for Bigelow to win Best Director, and for Avatar to win Best Picture. Which is honestly how I think it's going to go down, but it's still nice to hear Cameron be so magnanimous with a fellow director, not to mention his ex-wife. I do think it's high time a woman won Best Director, but I fear the backlash against Bigelow if she wins, especially because it's such a small film. I tend to think Cameron worries about a backlash against her too, and that's why he's coming out ahead of the Oscars to tell the industry that he'll support her victory if it happens. Which is extremely classy, I think.]

He's still angling the biggest prize for himself, but the boon of Best Director for Kathryn Bigelow would certainly be huge. It seems this year's Academy Awards ceremony is going to be very interesting indeed!

[Photo Credit: When did James Cameron and T Bone Burnett start sharing a mirror?]

See Kim Kardashian Throw Flames From Her Eyes!

Oh, burn! It turns out that not only did Kim Kardashian's boyfriend, Reggie Bush, allegedly cheat on her - now there's YouTube "proof." Holy crap. It's a good thing Reggie is an NFL player (who helped win the Super Bowl, no less) because no mere mortal would willing piss off the Kardashian clan. Here're details on Reggie's mistress from the NY Daily News, via Celebslam

[Hell hath no fury like Kim Kardashian scorned. Video vixen Carmen Ortega is accusing KK of quickly squashing the affair she had with Kim's man, Reggie Bush. "Reggie and I had a brief, short-lived relationship almost one year ago. During that time, we both were in serious relationships with other people, but we had an 'understanding,' " the stunner explains. "Unfortunately, things hit the fan when [Kim] found out. She immediately ran to the Internet to throw me under the bus."]

Well, of course Kim is going to throw you under the bus! What were you expecting - that she'd exalt you? Then again, as you can see from the clip above (thanks, Celebslam!), Carmen is not the sharpest crayon in the box. My favorite moment is when she doesn't know what to call the air hockey table. Air hockey! Oh, the rich irony. Here's a little more, via Celebslam

[Remember the rumors last year that Reggie Bush cheated on Kim Kardashian? I think we can move those rumors into the fact column. Wait a second, are you telling me that a professional athlete broke the sacred bonds of trust that he had with his significant other? The shock! Every woman should know by now that if they're going to date an athlete, he's going to cheat. And every guy should know by now that when he dates Kim Kardashian, the perfume she's wearing is not "Chanel No. 5." It's "Urinal Cake" by Odorite.

NOTE: The woman Reggie cheated with (who looks almost exactly like Kim btw) had the balls to post a homemade video tour she made of his house on YouTube.]

I'm sensing a "very special" episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians coming up - the one where Kim cries, Kris tries to comfort and Khloe taunts her sister with pies. I guess we can put an end to those engagement rumors....

I'm Way More Interested In Hearing From Elin Nordegren

Tiger Woods is finally getting ready to break his silence. I assume it will be more compelling than the time he broke wind. Screw Tiger (and it appears I'm one of the few who hasn't). It's Woods' wife I want to hear from - she deserves it! Apparently she's already had a few words with "number one mistress" Rachel Uchitel - and the speech was nasty. Good girl. While it's Tiger who really deserves the tirade, I'm sure it felt good to scream at Rachel. Details, via The National Enquirer

[In a nasty showdown, Tiger Woods' enraged wife Elin spewed insults at his mistress - blasting her as a "bitch" and a "home-wrecking whore," The ENQUIRER has learned.

"Elin shouted, 'You're interfering in my family!'" says a source. "'You're ruining our lives! What's wrong with you? You're pathetic!
Don't you realize there are children involved? Don't you care?'" 

The ENQUIRER has obtained all the behind-the-scenes details of the no-holds-barred confrontation between Elin and New York party girl Rachel Uchitel, the first woman exposed by The ENQUIRER as the sports superstar's mistress.
Elin had two bitter screaming matches with Rachel before going on a physical rampage that drove her husband out of the house -- and into headlines around the world.

Tiger and Elin are now living in separate, nearby houses -- and Elin is enjoying life out on the town with pals.
"Elin is determined not to live in Tiger's shadow as much as she used to," disclosed an insider.
"She has dropped plans for a divorce at the moment, but she is keeping open her options."]

Keep your options wide open, Elin - as in "choose another husband" kind of open. 

John Mayer Throws Jessica Simpson And Jennifer Aniston In The Same Boat

jennifer-aniston-jessica-simpson-betrayed-by-john-mayer-star-mag-cvr.jpgJohn Mayer hasn't exactly revealed himself to be the bastion of class - and his ex-girlfriends will be first in line to agree. John has recently thrown both Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston under the bus with his controversial, raunchy Playboy interview - and, not surprisingly, neither lady is very happy about it. Both Jess and Jen could benefit from some positive press, but don't look to Mayer in helping make that happen! Details, via Star magazine

[It's one thing to kiss and tell and it's another to kiss and tell the world! In the March 1 issue of Star, on sale today, we report that Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson are in complete shock over their ex John Mayer's betrayal -- spilling intimate revelations about their relationships -- including sex secrets! -- to Playboy. For both women, it was a devastatingly low blow -- even coming from him!

Of Jessica, whom he dated from 2006 to 2007, John said she "is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually, it was crazy... It was like napalm, sexual napalm." And he suggested that was all Jess ever was to him. "I really said, 'I now make the choice to sleep with Jessica Simpson," he bragged, while insisting that although she isn't his type -- or intellectual equal -- he couldn't resist seducing her. "She's angry and embarrassed," a source close to her tells Star.

While Jess wasn't his perfect match, his called his bond with Jen "pretty intense" -- even now. "I'm very protective of Jen," he said. "I love Jen so much that I'm now thinking about how bad I would feel if she read this and was like...'I don't want to be in your lineage of kiss-and-tells.'" But that didn't stop him from blabbing! He cheapened their connection by detailing for the public how he often fantasizes about his sexual exploits with past girlfriends and how he's slept with "four or five" women since he split with Jen last year.

"Jen is taking this really personally," a source tells Star. "She always stuck up for John when her friends cautioned her against him, but now she regrets it." Neither woman is taking John's betrayal lightly!]

Behold - the loudmouthed letdown that is John Mayer! I'm really curious how Aniston and Simpson will exact their revenge on Mayer. Two heads are better than one. I'm sure John would agree - especially when it comes to his well-documented masturbation habit. Something that will surely come in "handy" for John! A note to Jessica: I don't think round two with Dane Cook will do the trick to make a warhorse like Mayer jealous...

[Star magazine cover]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

tori-spelling-main-wikipedia.jpg* Brian Austin Green (of former Beverly Hills 90210 fame and current bangin' Megan Fox infamy) is allegedly about to foreclose on his home. If only he had a rich girlfriend he could live with... ~ Celebslam

* Whomever started the movement for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live should be given a medal. ~ Pop Eater

* The countdown to a 24/7 consumption of margaritas, Lone Star beer and BBQ begins - otherwise known as SXSW! ~ The Onion A.V. Club

* Jon Gosselin backs down to TLC, proceeds with Pimpin' Out The Kids 2.0 ~ The Huffington Post

* Tori Spelling is penning a children's book. This is new? I thought all of her books were meant for children. ~ Lainey Gossip

* Reese Witherspoon is still dating the CAA agent. She doesn't need a leg-up with her career, so maybe this is the real thing. It's got to be more real than her Jake Gyllenahaal days... ~ Life & Style

[Photo Credit: It's New York Times bestselling author, Tori Spelling. Is that depressing or what?]

I Can Barely Contain My Excitement!

miley-cyrus-with-bret-michaels.jpgAnd I'm not being facetious. The most amazing rumor is brewing and I'm so thrilled that I can barely wrap my mind around it. Here it is: Tish Cyrus, mother to that awful teen squawk-box Miley Cyrus, might be having an affair with none other than Bret Michaels. Boom. Celebitchy addressed these allegations two days ago. However, my hands have been shaking and my mind racing - I've only just now felt the strength to address this tidbit. I want this so badly. Can I will it into existence, the way the paparazzi did with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's relationship back in the day? Could you imagine the implications of Bret possibly becoming Miley's stepfather? The unholy melding of households between Disney and the Rock of Love Bus is almost too much for me to handle. Let's get on with the details from both Star magazine and Celebitchy

[This story is from Star Magazine, so there's a good chance it's crap, of course. But I've got my fingers crossed that it's a little bit true, just because it's funny. So, do you remember how Miley Cyrus actually went into the studio and recorded her version of Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"? Yeah. That happened. And it happened because Miley and Bret Michaels met and liked each other, and Bret was "honored" for Miley to cover the song or whatever. For shame! Anyway, it looks like there might be another Cyrus-Michaels collaboration happening, only this one involves Miley's mom Tish Finley-Cyrus, and Bret Michaels' wang. Oh, yes. 

[From Star Magazine, print edition, February 22, 2010] Miley's mom Tish's extremely close friendship with rocker Bret Michaels is raising eyebrows, just as the 42-year-old blonde's marriage to Billy Ray Cyrus is reaching its breaking point.

"Billy Ray and Tish are spending more and more time apart," says an insider. "They have a lot of major issues." The couple's 16-year union has grown increasingly tense since the family relocated from Tennessee to Hollywood for Miley's show Hannah Montana in 2005. Billy Ray "has become this creature of Hollywood... and Tish is always the one who's left to pick up the pieces when there's a crisis among the kids. There's lots of pent-up frustration on her part, and it's been coming out more and more lately."

Meanwhile, the mom of five and Bret, who has two kids, hit it off in a big way when he and Miley recorded a cover of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" in December. "Tish and Bret spend a lot of time in the studio together," says Bret's rep, who insists that two have a "strictly business" relationship. "They talk all the time." 

"Billy Ray and Tish are trying to work through their problems," says a source. "But it looks like the marriage is in serious trouble."

Um... if Miley and Bret just recorded that one song together, why is Tish still hanging out in the studio with Bret? That doesn't make any sense, unless you put it in the context of "they're probably bangin'". Now, the question does need to be asked: would Tish ruin her marriage just to have a fling with Bret? And I think I can safely answer "Yes." What do we know about Tish other than what her children are like? Yeah. Miley isn't just a fluke. Look at Noah. Tish is exactly the kind of woman who would cheat on The Mullet with Bret Michaels.]

I've made no secret of two things: I can't stand Miley Cyrus and I love Bret Michaels. So why would I wish something awful on someone I adore? I think Bret could do Tish a world of good, for one. And the entertainment value would, frankly, be off the charts. Michaels is nothing if not a born and bred entertainer - he excels in this role. Thank god it's the nearing the end of my workday. Only a belt of red wine will help me from hyperventilating with excitement. Expect to hear more about this story as it (hopefully) develops...

[Photo Credit: The first picture in the new family album?]

And, On The Heels Of Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day comes but once a year. A negative dating rating can last a lifetime! Enjoy. I assume Paris Hilton is ranked number one on this site, perhaps tying with Lindsay Lohan...

It Took This Long For "The Hills" To Get Interesting

kristin-cavallari-main-wikipedia.jpgMy god, there is a glut of naughty reality television gals in the news today. I guess that's the whole point! Next on our list is Kristin Cavallari, from The Hills, who rarely makes it to the front pages of this website. Today is her lucky day - and, by all accounts, she'll allegedly celebrate with a toot. Details, via Us Weekly

[It's reality-check time for Kristin Cavallari. The Hills star raised eyebrows for all the wrong reasons during Super Bowl weekend in Miami: "She was wasted the entire time," a source says in the new issue of Us Weekly. "She was going around to everyone, asking them to score her some coke." (Cavallari's lawyer refutes the allegations to Us; MTV declined to comment.)

But those close to the hard-partying Cavallari, 23, say that such antics have become more and more typical. "Her issues are becoming apparent to everyone," an insider reveals. "She's getting scary-thin and not showering regularly...She's clearly unhealthy."

Her Hills friends Brody Jenner, Audrina Patridge, Lo Bosworth and Stephanie Pratt have all urged her to check into rehab, but to no avail. "She doesn't think she has a problem," a source says. And Cavallari isn't just a wild girl on her days off: the erratic, gaunt star has become chronically tardy to Hills tapings -- when she shows up at all.

In a sad twist, her struggles may even become fodder on MTV's hit show. "Her drug problem finally became an unavoidable conversation topic on film," an insider says. "If MTV uses the footage, it will be clear to everyone."

To find more about Kristin's crisis, how she's "sleeping around," her show-stopping tantrum at a Vegas event and her run-in with Derek Jeter, pick up the new issue of Us Weekly -- on newsstands today!]

I'm taking this with a grain of salt (note: not cocaine, Kristin). The Hills has been overshadowed by everything from Keeping Up With The Kardashians to Jersey Shore (different networks, granted) in the reality ratings race. The producers have to come up with something to keep it spicy and Kristin is the designated "bad girl." Frankly I don't know that much about Cavallari other than her reappearance on The Hills, the fact that she has a rockin' bikini body and allegedly hooked up with Nick Lachey after he was set adrift by Jessica Simpson. But if she's throwing fits in Vegas, giving Brody Jenner a harder time than Avril Lavigne and "sleeping around" then I might have to start paying attention. Congratulations, MTV - you got me. What can I say? Apparently I'm as easy as Kristin. 

[Photo Credit: White - nice choice.]

Might As Well Go For Broke

kourtney-kardashian-scott-disick-bf-from-hell-in-touch-cvr.jpgKourtney Kardashian just phoned and said she was feeling left out, so here's her post. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a new mom in tears. Kourtney's life, like the rest of her family, is not short on drama. She's got the baby, the paternity questions and the jerky boyfriend - and all of those issues are coming to a head, so to speak. Perhaps that's what started this whole damn mess in the first place. Kourt's boyfriend, Scott Disick, is not the greatest guy. Allegations of cheating, name calling and bailing on daddy duties are his current claims to fame. Sounds like a keeper! Details from In Touch Weekly

["Kourtney resents Scott for his behavior," says a friend to In Touch. "They fight about almost everything when they're together."

In recent weeks, Kourtney Kardashian's relationship with Scott Disick has been turned upside down with the revelations that Scott was caught with other women, as In Touch originally reported. No longer the attentive boyfriend he was during her pregnancy, it looks like Scott has been showing his true colors.

"Kourtney resents Scott for his behavior," says a friend. "They fight about almost everything when they're together." Yet, as the father of her child -- and a co-star on her reality show -- Scott will be a part of Kourtney's life forever. And though the friend says Kourtney still loves Scott, she also feels trapped in a relationship that's high on drama -- but low on caring and support.

Focused more on fame than on his family, Kourtney is basically raising Mason alone, says the friend. "From what I've seen, Scott doesn't really hold the baby," a frequent observer reveals. "When Kourtney has needed help, she has had to ask, and Scott appeared to give her crap about it. He acts like it is a huge hassle if he has to do anything like put down his phone to hold the baby."

Scott has also been insulting Kourtney -- teasing her mercilessly about her baby weight. "To him, it's joking, but to her it's taunting," says one of his pals. "She is really trying to lose it, but it isn't coming off as fast as she'd like."

Instead of being sensitive, Scott has been calling Kourtney "fat" behind her back, the pal says, adding, "Scott said he's not attracted to her because she's fatter than she was when they were dating."]

It's clear to everyone (including Kourtney, if she'd take those blinders off) that Scott has no intention of cleaning up his act because he's not in love. The "let's get back together for the sake of this baby" was great in theory; it's obviously not so great in reality. It's time to cut the cord on this dysfunctional relationship and ask your sisters for hookups. You've got access to the NBA (via Khloe's hubby, Lamar Odom, for the LA Lakers) and the NFL (via Kim's boyfriend - for as long as she can hang onto him - Reggie Bush, for the New Orleans Saints) so get busy!

[In Touch Weekly cover: Bad boyfriend.]

Kim Kardashian Is A Frickin' Idiot

Thumbnail image for kim-kardashian-in-white-main-wikipedia.jpgMy god, she works fast. My Khloe Kardashian post is less than three minutes old and one of her sisters has already found a way to upstage her! These girls do not fuck around. Details, via The Huffington Post

[Kim Kardashian found out she was seated next to an air marshal on a flight back to LA from NYC Tuesday night. Naturally she tweeted about it to her 3 million plus followers. "I'm on the airplane...love wifi! I am sitting next to an Air Marshall! Jim the air marshall makes me feel safe!" she tweeted.

Twitterers were less than thrilled about Kim's decision to reveal the identity of someone whose ability to keep passengers safe hinges on his anonymity, so she told them to keep quiet. "RELAX I just told u guys the Air Marshall is sitting next to me, highly doubt anyone is twittering like me on this flight! shhh," she tweeted.

Kim wrote that her sleuthing skills, and not Jim's lack of integrity, were responsible for blowing his cover before ending the discussion by logging off. "Air Marshall's are supposed to keep their identity concealed. He did! I am just a private eye & assumed, so I asked him & he was honest!" she wrote. "OK I hope I don't get in trouble...logging off now! xo"]

At least she didn't TwitPic him! I love how blithely she takes matters of national security. It must be a blast to be Kim - she literally appears to have no concerns. In a flailing industry where you have to buy the peanuts that used to be free, you can get kicked off for being pregnant and daring to ask for water, and the national obsession with McDonald's becomes a hinderance - the Air Marshall safety factor is the one thing that's still a public service. Way to go on screwing that up. Congrats, Kim - the spotlight of stupidity falls on you, once again!

[Photo Credit]

Khloe Kardashian Odom: A Gift For Lamar Is A Gift For The World

khloe-kardashian-peta-ad-wikipedia.jpgSpeaking of husbands and nudity, up next is Khloe Kardashian Odom! I can hear your collective groans from here, but I'm forging ahead regardless. Khloe has allegedly decided that the best way to stay close to hubby Lamar Odom while he's on the road for those pesky LA Lakers NBA games is to make a sex tape. Not only that, she's planning on a solo performance. I see this turning into an "After School Special" for the Kardashian clan - "it's okay to love yourself, just not in public." Details, via Allie Is Wired and Contact Music

[Khloe Kardashian wants to spice up her sex life, so what's a Kardashian to do with a video camera and nothing but extra time? Why, she plans on making a masturbation tape for her husband, of course. I'm sure Sasquatch's solo sex tape will leak in no time, just you wait. When her star fades, it'll "leak".

She admitted to wanting to do the naughty deed for hubby Lamar Odom on a recent episode of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", saying that she wanted it for Lamar when he is away with his team. Because he won't share it with anyone, now would he?

She said, "I kind of like the idea of a sexy little video. It could be naughty. I'm thinking about making a solo sex tape....like masturbation? You'd be like this, filming it with your eyes covered."

Her friend, like us, wasn't too keen on the idea of videotaping it for her. She said, "I am not going to tape you. That would scare me." Heck, the whole idea scares everyone. Please, Khloe, for the sake of all that is holy, do not do this.]

Those kompetitive sisters really make it challenging, but Khloe is determined to keep stretching that fifteen minutes of fame - and if that means a little "flash in the pan," so be it. As for Lamar, I wouldn't push my luck if I were Khloe - this marriage has already made it well past the expiration date. Now isn't the time to be scaring the poor guy off...

[Photo Credit: A sneak preview.]

No One But Jessica Simpson's "Next Husband" Gets To See Her Naked!

jessica-simpson-blonde-bombshell-allure-magazine-march-2010.jpgGot that? Everyone can just settle down and stop clamoring for nude shots of Jessica Simpson. No one gets that honor, except her next husband. In the meantime, she apparently intends on holding lots of auditions for the part! Details, via What Would Tyler Durden Do?

[This kind of thing may have been disappointing 3 years ago, but now that she's doubled in size, Jessica Simpson and I agree; no one deserves to see what's under her clothing. She tells Allure magazine...

"I will never do nudity . . . I don't care if I frickin' could get an Oscar for it, I'm not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don't think people deserve to see what's under my clothing. That's only for my next husband."

This is pretty close to what Lindsay Lohan said in 2005, back before you could see her in a nude scene.

"You will never see me in a nude scene. Then there's no mystery for my private life. I don't think that's what needed to win an Oscar for me. Personally...I think there's other things you can do to show people that you have talent."

I should watch more Oscar nominated movies, because according to Lindsay and Jessica, all the actresses show their tits in them. That's why they get nominated. It's really just a championship trophy for Best Tits. Didn't Anna Paquin win when she was like 7? These Hollywood people are a bunch of damn perverts.]

Jessica Simpson wouldn't be eligible for an Oscar, even if it were "end of days" and the Academy was handing them out for free. Meanwhile, with her new "sexual napalm" tag, I'm sure suitors will be lining up and we'll have the new Mr. Jessica Simpson soon! I hope he takes pictures of this elusive nudity...

[Photo Credit: From the upcoming March issue of Allure magazine.]

[UPDATE: Case in point - look who's already come sniffing around...]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

paris-hilton-ass-in-the-air-in-formal-dress.jpg* When zombies attack! Is anyone surprised that this involves Lindsay Lohan? ~ Celebslam

* An interesting take on why Disney teen queen Selena Gomez is so damn popular with those girls at the mall. Why can't Miley do this? ~ Celebrity Jihad 

* Avril Lavigne loves dating douches - which is perfect, since she happens to be one herself. ~ Celebitchy 

* I wonder what Paris Hilton is giving up for Lent? It doesn't look like "anal" is on the list of things to go without. ~ Litely Salted 

* Nick Jonas was pawing his date while out to dinner with his brothers. Leave it to the youngest one to show 'em how to get 'er done. ~ Chelsea Lately

* Mischa Barton dares to ask, "Do curbs matter when you're smokin' a fattie?" ~ Ted Casablanca's Awful Truth

[Photo Credit: Hey Paris, is it still a mating signal if you're in public?]


Beyonce's alleged half brother has made his official debut - on TMZ, naturally. Word is still out as to whether or not Matthew Knowles is actually the father, but the evidence seems damning so far... Not that it really matters; it's Bey and Jay-Z's child that I really want to see! Regardless of paternity, Matthew has already parted with a sizable sum of his Destiny's Child cash. Details, via TMZ

[An L.A. judge just ordered Knowles to pay $8,200 a month in child support, retroactive to February 1. Knowles must also pay 100% of uninsured medical costs. Alexsandra Wright claims she had an 18-month relationship with Knowles and he's the baby daddy of Nixon -- born February 4.

Wright's lawyer, Neal Hersh, went to court today asking for support and the judge granted it. But Knowles will take a DNA test March 1 ... and the long-term support issues hinge on the outcome.

It's interesting -- Knowles has not flat out denied he's the daddy. And in fact, he gave Alexsandra $10,000 in January to cover uninsured medical costs and baby stuff.

UPDATE: The Judge ordered Knowles to pay Wright $20,750 for the month of January.]

I'm glad that a baby, who has no cognitive thought process yet, is already making more than I do in a year. Is it too late for me to be a bastard love child? 

The Growing Excitment

In a refreshing pace, especially for my patient family members that read this website, I'm talking about the Oscars and not something dirty - for once. The Academy Award luncheon was held today and, as you'll see in the clip above, Gabourey Sidibe stole the show. If this little snippet turns out to be anything like the ceremony itself, we'll have a lot to look forward to this year. It appears that most nominees are veering towards humble humor. In fact, the podium pundits may have been directed to do so. And isn't that what actors are supposed to be good at? Details, via The Onion A.V. Club

[Reuters reported this morning that the producers of this year's Oscars presentation ceremony are trying a new tactic to liven up the show and prevent the usual endless sequence of "I'd like to thank everyone else who worked on this film, by name and title, in order..." speeches. At the annual lunch for Oscar nominees, awards-show producers Adam Shankman (director of Hairspray) and Bill Mechanic explained that this year, they want nominees to write two speeches: the public one for the cameras, in which they should "share your passion on what the Oscar means to you," and one for a behind-the-scenes ceremony, where the winners can face a special "Thank You Cam" and gush about the awesomeness of anyone they want.

Shankman said the "Thank You Cam" footage would be available online, so celebrities can post or e-mail links to whomever--presumably all the thanks recipients, since most of the rest of the world won't care.

Mechanic and Shankman apparently stopped short of suggesting that nominees' mics would be cut off if they veered into generic "I'd like to thank..." territory, but Mechanic did say they were "the single most-hated thing on the show," and that they want this year to be livelier. Sadly, they showed footage of Renée Zellweger's Cold Mountain Best Actress award speech as a sample of what nominees should try to emulate, rather than showing Roberto Benigni's chair-climbing, arm-flailing freakout, or Jack Palance's one-armed push-ups routine.

That said, the move by itself opens up some potentially intriguing possibilities. Given 30 to 45 seconds and the social obligation to thank everyone possible, Oscar-winners have always had a safe, non-embarrassing, generic fallback speech practically written for them in advance. Robbed of that option and forced to come up with their own original ideas for speeches, some of them might actually let their real personalities show through a little. If nothing else, it might be worthwhile to see who ignores the instructions and defaults to the forbidden thank-you speech, or alternately, how far people will go to be original and interesting when given the direct challenge to do so. With a little luck, this might be the most enjoyably awkward Oscars ever.]

Livening up those speeches is pretty much the best idea since the Oreo met ice cream. And yes, you may infer from that reference that I had a meltdown today and was forced to indulge in a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Goddamn emotions, always getting in the way. 

Brand Damage

The post title is, ironically, very close to both "brain damage" and "Russell Brand." Coincidence? You make the call. Well, it's finally come to this - no one wants Lindsay Lohan's skanky ass at Fashion Week. Linds, who once commanded thousands of dollars just to show up and sit in the front row, has now been asked to stay away from the high-profile events. Many designers feel that any association with Lohan could damage their brands, as well as subsequent sales. It's probably true - unless you've designed a dress made of whiskey and cocaine, in which case LaLinds would be a top choice for promotion (if you could wrest such a magical creation away from her mouth and nose). 

She's Baaaack!

megan-fox-w-mag-cvr.jpgJust when I thought it was going to be a full-tilt John Mayer overload kind of day, along comes Megan Fox to ease my pain - or heighten it, I haven't decided which. This time Megan appears on the cover of the ritzy fancy-pants W magazine - and, per usual, she doesn't disappoint with the mouthy quotes. I'll let Michael K from D-Listed give you the scoop, because he really makes Megan's bullshit shine: 

[We haven't heard from this generation's Nietzsche in a while, because all geniuses must recharge their brains to continue to fart out words of wisdom like the ones Megan Fox gave to W Magazine. Megan has turned shitting out of your mouth into an art, and she doesn't disappoint here.

In the magazine, Megan talks about her panty ad for Armani. Megan doesn't think she looks classy in panties at all. Megan thinks that when she puts on a bra she looks like something Alberto Vargas created with his own hands. You can't make this up, but Megan can! She said, "There are some women you could put in underwear and photograph them, and it looks really classy and it doesn't necessarily provoke a pinup image. But with me, it does, immediately. As soon as I'm in underwear, I'm a Vargas girl."

Let's just pat Megan on the head and keep moving on....

Megan thinks she would make a wonderful mother, because she's really good at soothing Brian Austin Green when he cries about his career in the middle of the night, "No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really maternal. I worry that because I've always wanted [kids] so much, as the world goes sometimes, I won't be able to have them, even though I would be able to provide them with such an amazing environment."

And finally, you won't find Megan sitting with the other Hollywood actresses in the cafeteria, because she says she has no interest becoming friends with the likes of ScarJo or MiserAlba: "I especially don't trust girls in this industry, because it's incredibly competitive, and I'm just not interested."

See, this is why Megan is the thinking whore's Natalie Portman. Who wants to play patty cake with the girls when you can play patty cake with a peen in the boy's bathroom. You know, sometimes I really think Megan and I share the same brain....and that's why I drink.]

Oh, and there's so much more! Here's why Megan thinks she can one-up Angelina Jolie - which we all know is Fox's lifelong goal. From W magazine extras

[On donating to charities: I work privately with some charities but I am not ready to come out and say, hey guys, I do charity, look at me. I just feel like its no longer charity if my image is somehow benefiting from it--I feel like I'm exploiting these people. I know that the argument is that you're supposed to use your celebrity to encourage others to do good, and I get that. But I think there will be a time and a place for that and right now I'd rather keep it private.]

Secret charity work is the key, peeps - not like that loose-lipped Jolie. Look at how generous Megan can be! How kind of her not to "exploit those people." Madonna, I hope you're taking notes - Megan has something to teach you. Foxy's bon mots used to drive me bonkers - but now I look forward to her "words of wisdom." At least she makes me laugh. 

[W magazine cover]

No Oprah Appearance For John Mayer - Least Surprising News Of The Month

Thumbnail image for john_mayer_o_face.jpgThere will be no couch-jumping (I almost wrote "humping" - which would have been equally appropriate) for John Mayer on Oprah's famed talk show any time soon - if ever. Given Mayer's racist remarks and his subtle Jennifer Aniston slam, it's no surprise that the queen of the daytime airwaves has no desire to give John a platform to apologize. Details from PopEater, via Celebitchy

[Whenever a celebrity does something stupid, they often end up begging for forgiveness on Oprah's sofa -- but not John Mayer. Apparently, he's going to have to find someone else's shoulder to cry on, because the talk show queen is refusing to have the attention-seeking singer on her set. Oh, Johnny-boy, you know you've done bad when Oprah won't let you boost her show's ratings!

"Oprah is the smartest person on TV and will not let John use her or her show to ask for forgiveness," a TV insider tells me. "If John really wants to apologize for his racist and sexist comments, he should find somewhere else. The only way Oprah, who is a dear friend of Jennifer Aniston, would ever book him is if John were interested in having a much deeper conversation about race, women and fame."

So, Mr. Mayer: Stop whining about being misunderstood and start thinking about the words you use -- because it isn't just Oprah who doesn't want to listen to you anymore! And with your mouth, you should maybe consider Maury Povich or Jerry Springer before someone classy like Oprah.]

And a little more, from Celebitchy

[Popeater's Rob Shuter is reporting that John Mayer won't get a chance to issue a mea culpa on Oprah anytime soon. Shuter has a source who claims that Oprah wouldn't give Mr. "David Duke" Dick a platform unless he's ready to really admit he screwed up, and given the lame excuses we've heard from him I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon. It's unclear from this statement whether the source claims that Mayer actually approached Oprah (it doesn't sound like it), if she's explicitly said he's not welcome, or if it's just unlikely that the Mighty O would give him a platform since she's such a friend to Mayer's ex, Jennifer Aniston. Mayer hasn't updated his Twitter much since the controversy over his really over-the-top, arguably racist Playboy interview. He apologized and then put up a couple more tweets, one with a link highlighting his charity work and another on a new digital music gadget from Toshiba. If Mayer has any kind of sense, and I doubt he does, he'll stick to neutral posts on things he finds interesting or he'll stop tweeting altogether. He just seems to get into trouble every time he opens his mouth or types a sentence.]

Don't count on Mayer going away for good. Another celebrity will steal the scandal spotlight soon enough and John will slither back out. He won't be able to help himself. In the meantime, notice how we haven't heard anything lately about the brewing Taylor Swift/John Mayer romance since the brewhaha broke. I'm sure Taylor's camp has her on lockdown. You can't be allowed to dirty the Swifty. 

[Photo Credit: Best picture, ever.]

Nicole Richie Beats Paris Hilton To The Punch... Again

Thumbnail image for nicole-richie-joel-madden-wedding-star-mag-cvr.jpgSomewhere Paris Hilton is sporting a bikini wedgie and drowning her non-engaged sorrows in tequila and table dancing. That's right - Hilton's former bestie, Nicole Richie, is not only a two-time mom... bitch just got herself engaged! Details, via Bri's Cheese & Sleaze

[I have a feeling they've been engaged longer than they would like us to believe but whatevz!  We'll just ACT surprised.

Nicole Richie has announced on the [Late Night With] David Letterman show (taped Monday - to air Friday) that she and Joel Madden are getting married. Whaaat?! Shut UP! The couple already has two children together, daughter Harlow (2) and son Sparrow (5 months) and have been dating since late 2006. Since right after the Hilary Duff days... awkward.

You know that since Nicole is getting married that Paris Hilton will announcer HER engagement any minute now...]

Frankly, I thought they were already engaged - or secretly wed. Richie and Madden seem to have the blissful nesting part down pat - that is when they're not busy designing eco-friendly jewelry or opening parks. Nicole has managed to surpass Paris on every level. By the time Hilton weds, it'll be so passe. I love that Nicole's clean lifestyle only helps highlight how truly irrelevant Paris has become - and that may be the biggest gift of all. 

[Star magazine cover: Yeah, maybe it was this tabloid cover that had me believing they were already hitched.]

This Explains A Lot

avatar-meets-twilight-faux-movie-poster.jpgI'm sure you've heard about Robert Pattinson's infamous Details magazine interview by now. You know, the one where he claims to be afraid of vaginas? It's obviously an elaborate ruse to throw us off the "scent" of his romance with Twilight costar, Kristen Stewart. That or he's decided to step into the ring with interview shock-pro, John Mayer. And it appears to be working - Robert has thrown a lot of folks off track with his claim that he fears the vag. Here's the infamous quote from Details magazine

["I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas. But I can't say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot , so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours...Thank God I was hungover."]

I think he actually had his face buried deep in those models all damn day, but didn't want to get in trouble with Kristen. All I know is that Pattinson is in the big leagues now - he's said something that he'll never, ever live down. Welcome, Robert!

[Faux movie poster credit: From Worth 1000 via Agent Bedhead. His avatar doesn't know what vagina is...]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

blake-lively-main-wikipedia.jpg* Everything from boobs to brows are now thicker on Hayden Panettiere. ~ Hollywood Dame

* Lindsay Lohan auctions herself off... this time for charity! Warning: leggings included. ~ In Touch Weekly

* Cameron Diaz shows off on the set of Knight & Day. And by "showing off" I mean she popped out a nipple and got some press. ~ Celeblam 
(link is safe work) 

* Chyna Phillips (1/3 of Wilson Phillips and 100% Billy Baldwin's wife) checked herself into a facility to get help dealing with anxiety. Her manager released a thoughtful statement. In irony: isn't she more nervous now that everyone knows about her problem? ~ D-Listed

* That's one helluva wedgie. Oh, wait - it's just Paris Hilton in Rio. ~ Evil Beet 

* Blake Lively might pose for Playboy. Let's see Jennifer Garner try to hold onto Ben Affleck now! ~ What Would Tyler Durden Do? 

[Photo Credit: Hey Blake, let's see those tits!]

Delusion Runs In The Family

michael-lohan-kate-major-couple.jpgMichael Lohan is officially moving to Los Angeles. Frankly, I thought he already resided there. Scratch that - I haven't even thought about Michael enough to even wonder about where he lives. Oddly enough, he thinks we care. In fact, he's filming the entire enterprise for a reality show. He actually hasn't been hired for one, mind you - he's simply taking the requisite precautions, just in case. Details, via Crazy Days & Nights

[Michael Lohan is bringing his mesh shirts to Los Angeles. Probably wanting to be closer to his fantasy girl also known as his daughter. Anyway, because Michael doesn't just hook up the family truckster to a U-Haul and move, we might all have to watch his move as part of a reality show. His idea is to get a bunch of "celebrities" and have them all take a bus across the country. Of course Michael and his girlfriend Kate Major will be leading all of this so I'm not sure what kind of celebrities will want to be a part of this, but Michael says he has a camera crew and that everyone will want to buy it when he is finished.

"We're calling the show, Crossing Borders, because not only will we be crossing physical borders as we go state to state, but moral borders as well. As each celebrity sees him/herself as a good person, viewers will see that we all try to do our best to walk the walk, but sometimes cross the borders of what is right and wrong."

Such as wanting strippers who look like your daughter.]

Yeah, this is rife with all kinds of possible snafus. Michael Lohan in a mesh shirt, taking over Lindsay's home base - hilarity ensues. Not that will be seeing this because, seriously, who's gonna buy this shit? Meanwhile, Kate Major - Jon Gosselin's ex - must not be missing Gosselin's stubby penis. Not when she's got a hunk o' Lohan. 

[Photo Credit: Michael Lohan and Kate Major. Remember when Michael and Jon were friends? That was built to last!]


More on the Tiger Woods scandal? Why, yes - apparently there's always more. The layers of dirt with Tiger goes deeper than excavating dinosaur bones. Which leads me to ask the question - why is Elin allegedly going back to him? There appears to be no end to his troubles. Oh, and by the way - it's been said that he takes golf a lot more seriously than rehab. Is anyone surprised? Call it quits, Elin and start fresh - please. 

This Is The Surefire Way To Not Get Engaged

kim-kardashian-reggie-bush-pushup-bikini-pic.jpgHow do you excel at not getting hitched, when it's the thing you desire most in the world? One: start by spreading false rumors that your boyfriend is going to propose. Two: usurp all the attention on the biggest night of your partner's life. There's unconditional love - and then there's making it all about you, all the time. Guess which one Kim Kardashian has chosen? Hint: it's not what's best for Reggie Bush. Details from Star magazine, via Celebitchy

[Reggie exploded over Kim's camera-hogging ways as they entered a postgame bash... "Kim made Reggie stop for photos," an eyewitness tells Star. "She said, 'Don't forget to smile!' and grabbed him as she struck a pose."

But Reggie pulled away, miffed, and stormed inside. When she caught up, says the source, "He snapped at her, 'I just won the Super Bowl. This is my night, not yours."

Things hardly got cozier inside the club. While Reggie danced with teammates, Kim sulked at a table 100 feet away. "She was tearing up," says the source. "She put on a pair of sunglasses and was dabbing her eyes with a napkin under the shades."

Two hours later, Reggie was done partying - and done with Kim. "He didn't even tell her he was leaving," the source says. Kim jumped up and ran after him, but he hardly glanced back.]

I think the key words are "done with Kim." I don't believe that Reggie is into her diva antics - and that's pretty much the only trick in her bag. Dont' be looking for a wedding announcement - instead, look for spin on "Kim's single - and lovin' it" from the Kardashian camp. It's her only option. 

[Photo Credit: Wrap it up - I'll take it.]


I miss Brittany Murphy. She had a sparkle and determination that made her very unique. The above clip is a preview of her last film which, after some debate, will be released. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Many of deceased actress Brittany Murphy's fans have been wondering what will become of her final movie Abandoned, in light of her sudden death on December 20, 2009.  We can now report that Anchor Bay Entertainment has purchased the rights to the film and plans to release it this summer.

Abandoned also features actor Dean Cain and actress Mimi Rogers. Producers Jeffery Schenck and Barry Barnholt made a joint statement: "Brittany will be deeply missed by everyone that worked on Abandoned. The film is a taut thriller which portrays Brittany's character as smart and tough -- and that's how we will always remember her." Bill Clark, president of Anchor Bay Entertainment said that the release of the movie will be an "honor and bittersweet." The film will be released to theaters this summer.] 

At least Brittany's bubbly image will always be available, but it doesn't erase the loss of someone gone too soon.

He Loves Her, He Loves Her Not

Thumbnail image for jason-trawick-britney-spears.jpgBritney Spears' lover, Jason Trawick, plays double duty as both her boyfriend and agent. But is there more? The February 22 print edition of In Touch Weekly alleges that Brit and Jason's romance is "toxic." Clever! The tabloid says: 

[In public, Jason appears to have a stabilizing effect on Britney - but behind the scenes, multiple sources say, he's not the knight in shining armor he is portrayed to be. According to one insider, Jason, who is Britney's agent, is using her to rake in cash - but he's also been spotted partying with other women late a night. According to her friend, Britney, 28, trusts Jason, who has "almost a Svengali-like control" over her personal and professional life. Even though Britney returned from a world tour just two months ago, Jason pushed her to get right back into the studio. "She is exhausted," the friend explains, "but she seems to do whatever Jason tells her to do." 

Britney, who went shopping for her own engagement ring recently, is still desperately hoping that Jason, 38, will propose to her. "She lives in a fantasy land, talking about a big, white wedding," reveals the insider. "Jason will string her along sometimes, but he always changes the subject as quickly as he can." As Jason tries to pull away, Britney just keeps getting more attached to him. For Valentine's Day, she even got special permission from her dad, Jamie, who is her legal conservator, to buy Jason an expensive watch. "She is in love," her friend says.]

An expensive watch for Valentine's Day - so he can keep track of how much time he spends with her. It sounds like he might be counting the seconds. In stark contrast, here's what Jason treated Britney to for the lover's holiday. Details, from Us Weekly

[Do you want fries with that?
Agent Jason Trawick took girlfriend Britney Spears to McDonald's for Valentine's Day. The couple -- who have been dating since the spring of 2009 -- were spotted at a drive thru in Los Angeles Sunday afternoon.
The fast food lunch was a more low-key outing than her most recent public appearance.
The singer, 28, hit up the Grammys in Los Angeles Jan. 31 in a bizarre sheer bodysuit by Dolce & Gabbana.]

McDonald's for Valentine's Day. On one hand it is Britney Spears we're talking about, so Mickey D's is probably a dream date for her. Permission to overindulge, courtesy of her lover? Hells, yes. That's fries, chicken nuggets and a shake, bitches! Then again, given the above allegations, it seems like a complete lack of romance on Trawick's part. What do you think? Is he being a thoughtful boyfriend by fulfilling Spears' cravings - or is he just not that into her?

Southwest Airlines Screws The Pooch

kevin-smith-too-fat-to-fly-sw-twit-pic.jpgWhat's Twitter good for if not to help bring down the already dismal airline industry? That's exactly what writer/director Kevin Smith helped accomplish when he was asked to leave a Southwest Airlines flight for being deemed "too fat to fly." Sounds like a script in the making! Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Award winning film director, comedian and author Kevin Smith has picked up a new label thanks to Southwest Airlines - 'too fat to fly'. Smith boarded a flight in Oakland on Saturday that was bound for Burbank. All was going according to plan until he was deemed too obese to make the journey. The airlines went so far as to call him a risk to the safety of others before they ejected him from the plane. A flight attendant named Suzanne approached him and relayed a message from the cockpit. According to Smith, "She told me Captain Leysath deemed me a 'safety risk.'"

Before he exited the plane, Smith puffed out his cheeks in an exaggerated pose and captured a photo for posterity and for use as a future 'twitpic'. Southwest eventually had a change of heart and booked him on a later flight and gave him a $100 airline voucher but the damage was done. The disgruntled passenger did what anyone would do under the circumstances -- he took his case to his Twitter page, where the four-letter words were flying fast and furious.

Southwest has apologized for getting it wrong after receiving a deluge of hate mail from Smith's 1.6 million Twitter followers. According to TMZ, the masses actually brought down the Southwest website at one point on Sunday.]

Oh man, literally one of the best instances to pull the "don't you know who I am?" card! Kevin took it like a champ, but there were definitely some hurt feelings involved. The staff on that flight literally could not have fucked up worse. Why Kevin was flying Southwest remains a mystery. I'm pretty sure he has enough money to fly a real airline. Meanwhile, behold the power of Twitter! It's about time the airlines realize that they are still a customer-based industry. It would be wise to remember that the passengers actually matter. 

[Photo Credit]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* Hot Sausage Valentine's Day special! Jennifer Garner gives lover's day advice in the clip above. She says handwritten notes are best. Funny, Garner claims her husband, Ben Affleck, wooed her with emails. I smell trouble! ~ Panty Line Press

* Angelina Jolie extends an olive branch to Brad Pitt - literally. ~ Contact Music

* Ashton Kutcher offers his coat to Valentine's Day costar Jessica Alba while leaving his wife, Demi Moore, in the cold. I guess he figures she's old enough to figure out how to keep her own damn self warm. ~ The Daily Mail

* An awesome "Top Ten Movies to Watch on Valentine's Day" list from a guy who isn't a cynic about the frickin' "holiday." Take that, boyfriend who won't celebrate with me. ~ Cobblestone Address

* Katie Holmes is currently not with robo-child. I guess the turkey baster didn't do the trick this time. How's that for romance? ~ Gossip Cop

* Nick Lachey is still snoozing through with Vanessa Minnillo. He has many romantic plans for his longtime girlfriend this weekend. I'll bet none of those plans involve "sexual napalm!" ~ In Touch

* Treat yourself to some VD for VD. Go ahead, click that link. ~ What Would Tyler Durden Do?

* So, I guess it's fair to say that Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger won't be reuniting after this loved-up weekend? ~ Celebitchy

Happy Valentine's Day, happy weekend and happy reading! I'd give you all a big squeeze, if I could - but in a friendly way. A quick reminder that Panty Line Press is currently posting Mondays thru Fridays. I look forward to seeing you back here Monday, February 15th. xo

I Knew We Wouldn't Have To Wait Long For Another Lindsay Lohan Meltdown

Thumbnail image for lindsay-lohan-wikipedia-small.jpgIs the train wreck known as Lindsay Lohan partying somewhere in L.A.? If not, just wait five minutes and a sighting will be forthcoming. It's been a busy week for Lohan - she denied abuse allegations on Twitter by defending on-again/off-again girlfriend, Samantha Ronson. Lindsay also went all the way to the airport and shopped - but didn't bother getting on a plane. Then there was last night's meltdown. Best to end the week on a familiar note. Details, via What Would Tyler Durden Do

[Lindsay Lohan tried to hide her face as she left a bar early Thursday morning, reportedly because her ex-lover Samantha Ronson punched her in the face and split her lip. It takes more than that to keep Lindsay out of a bar though, and she was back at it last night, this time trying to execute her poorly thought out revenge.]

And what was Lindsay's revenge? Let's read on from X-17 Online (via WWTDD): 

[To say that Sam "beat up" Lindsay is a pretty strong accusation and one that isn't necessarily backed up by a small scrape on Lindsay's lip. For all we know it is a cold sore. That said, these two are certainly being cold and sore toward each other!

Last night Lindsay went to Madeo with some pals, and after that the group (including her new BFF Marcus) headed over to Voyeur. About 30 minutes after Lindsay arrived, Samantha showed up, but the real drama happened when the two left the club.

An X17 photographer tells X17online exclusively that on her way out, Lindsay spoke to a traffic officer and asked if he could pull Sam over since she had been drinking inside the club! Not only that, but there are rumblings that Lindsay is looking to seek a restraining order against Samantha, though that might be a bit hard seeing as they live in the same building and frequent the same nighttime spots.]

Is that passive-aggressive behavior due to the impending lover's holiday? Trying to get your ex arrested for drunk driving, while bold, is not exactly the best way to attract her attention. Not that Lindsay's seeking advice. Girlfriend appears to be living life like she's bareback on a wild stallion. 

[Photo Credit: What 'cha hiding, honey?]

This Is Starting To Sound Like Brangelina Fan Fiction

angelina-jolie-brad-pitt-baby-to-save-love-feb-2010-life-style-mag-cvr.jpgThe Twihards have penned sex scenes between Twilight characters Edward and Bella (that are often superimposed on real life actors Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart). There's porn-like material about both Star Wars and Star Trek sexual relations. And now we have something for you Brangelina lovers out there! Behold, Life & Style's spin on how to get Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's love back on track: 

[When Angelina Jolie boarded Miami-bound American Airlines flight 1516 at 11:50 a.m. on Feb. 7, she was flying solo. Nestled into seat 1A, she casually flipped through American Way magazine, tuned in to the Meryl Streep flick Julie & Julia on her personal TV and noshed on wheat bread, fresh salad and marinated cheese antipasto. To top it off, she indulged in a vanilla ice cream sundae and a glass of red wine before blissfully reclining for a quick nap.

But while the four-hour trek from LA provided much-needed me time, Angelina clearly had longtime boyfriend Brad Pitt and their six kids on her mind. As soon as the plane's wheels hit the tarmac, while waiting to disembark, she whipped out her white BlackBerry Bold to scroll through photos and struck up a conversation about her eclectic family with a fellow passenger.

"I'm such a squishy mom. I really am just a squishy mom," she said with a smile. "Brad is with one of [our kids] right now. I can't wait to get to them. I can't wait to just be 
in bed hanging out with them!"

The image of Brad, 46, and Angie, 34, snuggling under the covers is in stark contrast to recent reports that have dogged the A-list couple. Just weeks ago, the duo were rumored to have consulted with an LA divorce lawyer and arranged their split by signing a $333 million deal, a charge the couple's lawyer strongly denied.

Now Life & Style can exclusively reveal that Brad and Angelina have decided to adopt baby No. 7, in what appears to be an attempt to save their relationship. "Angie is really happy with the state of the family, but yes, she wants more children," says an insider. "She's ready to roll again."]

It's an orgy of details! Love, ice cream, red wine and a white Blackberry. I'm getting flushed just thinking about it all. Ha. Though it may not personally be turning me on, the story is making me laugh out loud. And sometimes that's just as valuable. Envisioning Jolie eating airline food, much less deigning to share life details with a fellow passenger, is easily the funniest thing I've come across this month. Life & Style gets an A+ for elements of fantasy. 

[Life & Style magazine cover]

Dear Sandra Bullock - They Have Salons For That, You Know...

Thumbnail image for sandra_bullock_suede_shoes.jpgSandra Bullock, whom I adore, is getting her name in the press for a variety of reasons - and not just because of her Oscar/Razzie nominations. This time it's due to an incident where she burned her "lower hair" in an effort to create a heart-shaped box for her husband, Jesse James. I'm not sure if it's Sandy's naturally goofy persona, or if this is a new breed of Oscar campaigning that's causing the TMI - but it certainly is keeping things fresh! Details, via Contact Music

[Sandra Bullock was left in agony after trying to cut and dye her pubic hair into the shape of a pink heart. She burned herself dying her pubic hair. The actress - who is married to motorcycle enthusiast Jesse James - admits she was horrified when her special Valentine's Day grooming efforts went wrong.

She explained: "I decided for Valentine's Day I would do a special hair thing. I wanted to try to create a pink heart shape with my lower hair. It was painful. You had to bleach it first. There's something about bleach that feels like acid. Then I had to shave it. I was in so much pain, but I kept going and put the pink dye on and it went the wrong colour."]

Damn! There's commitment - and then there's commitment. You know, you didn't have to do that on your own, Sandy. There are salons that specialize in the art of sculpting the hedges. Next time pay someone to do the job and relax. 

[Photo Credit: Taking it like a champ.]

One Good Turn Deserves Another - Unless You're Madonna

madonna-confessions-tour-2006-wikipedia.jpegVillagers in Blantyre, Malawi better step aside - Madonna is coming to do good. Madge is set to build a $15 million school for girls - and if there are some homes in the way, well they're just gonna have to move. Details, via D-Listed

[200 villagers in Blantyre, Malawi will have to pack up all their belongings and move to another home after the government came knocking at their doors telling them they had to get the hell out to make way for Vadge's $15 million school for girls (aka The See, I Can Be Oprah Too Academy). For months, the villagers have refused to leave, but Vadge opened up her coin purse and dropped $115,00 on them to relocate.

The Lilongwe District Commissioner told the villagers: "Government allowed you to occupy this land because there was no project yet. But now that Madonna wants to build you a school you have to give way. You are lucky that Madonna has compensated you for your houses, gardens and trees."

One of the villagers said his family had lived on that plot of land for three generations, and the $1,500 Vadge put in his pocket is not nearly enough to replace his three houses and mango trees. If you put on a pair of 3D glasses, this story looks just like Avatar.]

Well, you can't please all the people all the time. And if you're Madonna, the number one person who's going to get pleased is your own damn self. Pat yourself on the back, Madge - you're "doing good."

[Photo Credit: Step aside, bitches.]

What Do Gerard Butler And Hugh Grant Allegedly Have In Common?

gerard-butler-main-wikipedia.jpgThey're both gorgeous imports who excel at starring in romantic comedies! But, wait... there might be something else. Hugh Grant famously had a detour with a certain Divine Brown. Is Gerard Butler following suit? (Minus pissing off Elizabeth Hurley, of course.) Details, via a great scoop from Celebitchy

[I was looking through some new photos, and I saw this grouping called "Gerard Butler's Mysterious Detour". Basically, the paparazzi were following him around all day yesterday in LA, and they took several photos of Gerard (driving his black SUV) around town, and then making a "mysterious detour" down an alley, then stopping the car to speak to a young lady (photo below). In an alley. So... is Gerard picking up hookers now? Now, of course this could all be very innocent. It could be that she's a friend and he saw her, standing in an alley, and he just stopped the SUV to say hello. Or she could be a lost tourist, and he was offering directions to a damsel in distress. Or she could be a hooker who works in the rain, and they were negotiating the price and where he would pick her up after he lost his paparazzi trail.]

Click on the Celebitchy link above for the photographic images of Gerard's rainy day hijinks. Does this mean Jennifer Aniston didn't put out in Cabo? I knew he couldn't keep it in his pants until after The Bounty Hunter hit theaters! You can spin Aniston and Butler all you want - no one is buying that they're together. Looks like they'll have to keep fingers crossed that mere talent will be enough to carry the movie, instead of a faux relationship. Yeah, good luck with that...

Julia Roberts Does Nothing To Help Her Reputation As A Solid Gold Bitch

I'm sure you're aware of that torturous little film coming down the pike. It's Valentine's Day - this year's answer to He's Just Not That Into You. The film features an ensemble cast, which means that no one star will be hogging the screen. However, with all the gum flapping (i.e. promoting) Julia Roberts has been doing lately, you'd assume she was in VD for more than six minutes. You would be wrong. Details, via Celebitchy

[These days, it's kind of become a cliché to hate on Julia Roberts. She definitely lost some of her luster over the past five years or so, and when she does appear at some event or red carpet, she seems overwhelming and a little crazy. Like, she's too loud or too drunk or too rude or too obscene or too much of an a-hole. It's almost enough to make you forget that she was once the biggest movie star in the world. But some people haven't forgotten, which is why she still gets cast in big movies, and still gets paid huge amounts of money for the "pleasure". Valentine's Day is one of those films - and I have to say this report shocked me. 

Judging from the trailer for the film, I assumed Julia had a genuine supporting part in a large ensemble cast. Turns out, not so much. She's in the film for - count them - six minutes. The price tag for six minutes of Julia? $3 million dollars plus 3% of the gross of the film. Are you f-cking kidding me? You know what bothers me more? That Gary Marshall, the other actors in the film, and the producers, agents and Hollywood types all thought Julia signing on to the film was some kind of "signal" that it was okay to sign on. Seriously? Does Julia have that kind of weight in Hollywood to this day? It's a Gary Marshall romantic comedy, and it's a week of work. Why wasn't every agent in Hollywood trying to get their actors onto this film before and regardless of Dame Julia's agreement to deign us with her screen presence for six whole minutes? Hollywood is run by idiots.]

Yeah, Julia pretty much sucks. It's like watching a squatty little dictator get fat on the throne. She hasn't done anything of merit (or charm) in years; yet she strolls around like she owns the damn town and she's not afraid to rule by terror. Which, apparently, she does. So I guess the joke is on us. 

Stay Focused... On Sexy Time

Thumbnail image for vf-outtakes-robert-pattinson-and-kristen-stewart.jpgIt's been awhile since we've had a Robert Pattinson/Kristen Stewart post around here - not that I've exactly been missing those two. But they have been missing each other - which is why Valentine's Day will be bittersweet for the semi-secret duo. Details, via Showbiz Spy

[Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are hoping to spend some time together on Valentine's Day -- but they might end up spending the romantic day apart! The Twilight costars are apparently desperate to make space in their busy schedules to see each other, but they'll likely be in different countries on Feb. 14. Kristen, 19, is currently promoting her new Joan Jett biopic The Runaways while Rob, 23, recently started shooting his next film, Bel Ami, in London and Budapest.

"Rob and Kristen are desperate to spend Valentine's Day together, as a couple," a source said. "Rob told me he has big plans for Kristen -- but he's worried they might not pan out due to both of their busy schedules. He's hoping it all works out ."

It was recently claimed that Rob and Kristen had been told to put their careers ahead of their red-hot romance. "Let's just say Rob and Kristen got a slap on the wrist," a Robsten insider recently told E! News' Ted Casablanca. "Everyone, from their management to the studios involved in their upcoming movies, is worried [Rob and Kristen] will start to become...distracted. Rob and Kristen are still together and totally cool. But they are both listening to what their teams are telling them, which is to stay focused."]

Promoting a red hot acting career or getting the bone? Pouty Kristen Stewart sure does face some tough choices! Anytime you want to trade girlfriend, just drop me a line. Meanwhile, when the media isn't busy hoping these two are getting hot-n-sweaty with each other, they're spending time pitting them against each other. Who will get out of this vampire franchise with his/her career on a high? Not counting Anna Kendrick - who's already smoked the competition like yesterday's weed. 

[Photo Credit: What do vampires get their immortal beloveds for Valentine's Day?]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

katie-price-side-boob.jpg* Katie Price (aka Jordan) should not be allowed to have children. Seriously. ~ The Daily Mail

* Now I'm rethinking my decision to unfollow Amanda Bynes on Twitter. I didn't know she was going to get interesting! ~ Evil Beet

* Wow - Sandra Bullock really will go to any lengths to win that Oscar! ~ Drunken Stepfather (site NSFW)

* Hailey Glassman dishes on Jon Gosslin's penis. As in size, not recipes. ~ Celebitchy

* RIP Alexander McQueen. The fashion world lost a bright light today. ~ D-Listed

* Thank god Alec Baldwin is okay - I'm really counting on him to make the Academy Awards broadcast fun this year. Think "champagne with Jack Donaghy!" ~ What Would Tyler Durden Do?

* Frances Bean Cobain is smart and keeps getting smarter. She's had her restraining order against Courtney Love extended. ~ Hollyscoop

* Taylor Swift frolics at the beach in a skimpy... wait a minute, that's a nightgown! ~ Celeb Jihad

[Photo Credit: Katie Price - nothing but class!]

Can Katherine Heigl Continue Her Rom-Com Run?

There was a point when Katherine Heigl was "the next big thing" in romantic comedies. Studio execs had their hopes pinned on Heigl's blonde locks being able to support Julia Roberts' crown. Things were looking good - until Katherine opened her big mouth. Call it "John Mayer Disease" if you will. Katie quickly garnered ill-will from the entertainment industry, in a rare double whammy, by offending both screen and television scribes. To top things off her flick, The Awful Truth (with costar Gerard Butler), was a flop. She even negotiated her way out of the star-heavy ensemble movie, Valentine's Day. My, oh my - how to follow all that up? By costarring with Twitter-douche, Ashton Kutcher apparently. I've heard of better ideas! Obviously the fun of a romantic comedy is watching chemistry brew between the leads - something that already seems lacking in the trailer above. To top it off, Katherine's style looks old (even though she's younger than Ashton in real time), like she's the proverbial cougar ready to pounce on Ashton's man-meat. Will this be the nail in the coffin of Heigl's big screen rom-com queen dream? I hear Kristen Bell is waiting in the wings... 

That Must Have Been Some Mall Haul!

Thumbnail image for lindsay-lohan-private-jet-to-st-bart.jpgLindsay Lohan missed a date tonight because she was allegedly shopping. And it wasn't just any engagement - it was a meeting that was set to pay her a whopping $150,000 for the evening. I'm sure you've heard that LaLinds was set to accompany eccentric billionaire Richard Lugner to the historic Vienna Opera Ball. Lohan would have followed on the heels of such past dates as Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson and Dita Von Teese, to name a few. But Lindsay blew it, literally. That must have been some spree! Details from E! News, via Celebitchy

[Quick, somebody check the temperature down by the Styx: Lindsay Lohan has turned down an invitation to party! LiLo was originally set to serve as this year's celeb rent-a-date (going rate: $150,000) for horny old Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner, who chooses a different A-list lovely each year for the annual Vienna Opera Ball.

And while this year's bash takes place tonight, just hours ago the 77-year-old broke the news that Lohan won't be accompanying him after all--and the world's press has Lindsay's shopping habit to thank.

According to the possibly truth-stretching--but then again, possibly not--Lugner, Lohan missed her plane from Los Angeles to London after a shopping spree ran overtime. Apparently, what the starlet lacked in funds to hold the flight, the billionaire lacked in inclination, resulting in her no-show. "She wanted to pay it, but her card's credit limit was not high enough," Lugner said of the would-be $22,000 fee.

Incidentally, it's not the first batch of backhanded comments he's dished out about Lohan. Earlier this month, he ran down her list of demands for the event, including keeping all alcohol out of her sightline and requesting to move the date of the ball (an impossibility given that it has taken place on the Thursday before Ash Wednesday every year since 1936).

But all is not lost. While British tabloids report that Lugner, who has previously enlisted the arm candy services of Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Dita Von Teese, Geri Halliwell and Nicollette Sheridan for the event, will instead be accompanied to tonight's festivities by U.K. tabloid trainwreck Katie "Jordan" Price, who arrived in town this morning, the billionaire is apparently going a different way this year and says he will instead be bringing male German entertainer Dieter Bohlen. So he's having a ball in more ways than one.]

Granted, some of the responsibility for this no-show falls to Lugner. Who books Lindsay these days and actually expects her to appear (on time or at all)? Ah, Linds. I wish I could stick you in a hot tub time machine and help you start all over. Add this fail to the list of many things that do not bode well...

[Photo Credit: Proof that Lindsay does know how to get on a plane.]

I Don't Know How Jon Gosselin Can Walk Away From All This

hailey-glassman-steppin-out-mag-cvr.jpgI'll apologize right off the bat for two Gosselin related posts in one day - but I ran across this picture of Jon's ex, Hailey Glassman, via Bri's Cheese & Sleaze and I absolutely couldn't resist running this photo. What in the hell is she doing? Why have they styled her to look like she's 43 instead of 23? More importantly, what in the hell is she wearing? So many questions. Bri says

[Hailey Glassman, aka Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend, on the cover of Stepping Out magazine.  Oh, I'm sorry it's actually STEPPIN' Out.  My bad. How am I only hearing about this magazine right now? And how do I get a subscription asap?!  Any magazine that says "JUDGE THIS HATERS" in all caps WITH an arrow is a magazine I must have.]

I agree. A must have. Steppin' Out - New Jersey's number one entertainment magazine! It just doesn't get any better. And Jon thinks there's something more out there for him than all that hotness?

John Mayer Shoots Himself In The Foot

john_mayer_o_face.jpgWow. I'd tell John Mayer to go fuck himself, but he already does that. Let's just get right to it, since the infamous interview is already over the Internet anyway. First up from Playboy magazine, via What Would Tyler Durden Do

[MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, "What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?" And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, "I can't really have a hood pass. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick.]

Jesus. Wait, I shouldn't say that - John will probably try to compare himself to Christ. Of course, as predicted, Mayer is already backpedaling. Here's the roundup on that front, via D-Listed

[John also used the n-word when he farted about how black people love him so much that they gave him a "hood pass." John said he was oh-so-sowwy on his Twitter page:

"Re: using the 'N word' in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it's such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I'm using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it's time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews. It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it's gotten out of hand and I've created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don't have the stomach for it. Again, because I don't want anyone to think I'm equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.I just wanted to play the guitar for people. Everything else just sort of popped up and I improvised, and kept doubling down on it..."

We don't have the stomach (or any other organ) for it either, John.

And don't be surprised when Summer's Eve announces they are officially changing their name to John Mayer's Eve.]

I don't even know what to say - except for that John Mayer and Megan Fox deserve each other. And I don't even think I'd wish that on Megan. 

[Photo Credit: Because he asked for it.]

Is Ewan McGregor Engaged In Some Extracurricular Activities?

ewan-mcgregor-venice-film-festival-2009-wikipedia.jpgI love me some Ewan MacGregor. He's effortlessly sexy, confident, intelligent and an amazing actor to boot. And, in some interesting news, he might be available - despite his long-term marriage. Maybe not available to me - but the down and dirty details are titillating enough to tide me over. A scoop, courtesy of Celebitchy

[Son of a bitch! These are photos of Ewan McGregor walking hand-in-laced-hand with his Beginners costar Melanie Laurent. Laurent is best known (to American audiences) for her brilliant performance as Shoshanna in Inglourious Basterds. Ewan is best known as the hot Scottish piece who has been married to his wife Eve Mavrakis since 1995. Eve and Ewan have three daughters: Clara Mathilde (age 14) and Esther Rose (age 8), and their adopted daughter Jamiyan, who is also 8 years old (she was born in Mongolia, and Ewan and Eve adopted her when she was four years old). Oh, and this film that Melanie and Ewan did together - it's already in post-production. So they're not filming something.

Now, there has been gossip in the past that Ewan and Eve has something of an open marriage. While I can't recall ever hearing about any affair Eve might have had, I do remember significant gossip about his seemingly too-close relationships with Nicole Kidman (in Moulin Rouge) and Michelle Williams (in Incendiary). Could it be that there are always rumors about Ewan and his costars just because? Or is there something there? Because it looks like there's something there, considering he and Melanie look very loved-up. It's one thing to have an open marriage. It's quite another to parade around Paris with your mistress.]

There must be some kind of agreement in the works between Ewan and his wife if he's being that blatant about strolling arm-and-arm with another woman. I heard the very same allegations about Ewan and Nicole Kidman back in the day - including a crazy (completely unproven) conspiracy theory that Nicole was carrying Ewan's baby and that's why Tom Cruise divorced her pale ass. You'd jump on a couch next time you found "true love" too! As for the whispers of McGregor and Michelle Williams - well, at least he's redeemed himself and proven he has good taste. Click on the Celebitchy link above for the the photos of Ewan and his current costar. The evidence does look damning. The situation? Maybe less so, for all we know...

[Photo Credit]

A Desperate Move For Kate And Jon Gosselin

They will not let their collective fifteen minutes of fame slip by without trying every trick in the book - including teaming back up to shill out their children. That's the classy combo of Kate and Jon Gosselin for you! The former spouses are realizing that the money train is going to dry up fast if they don't do something, so they've turned to a familiar source - their old friend, television. Details, via Evil Beet

[Remember when Jon Gosselin said that his kids could no longer film their TLC reality show because he decided that it was bad for them? OK, well, he takes that back. It's now being reported that Jon and Kate are in talks to bring the kids back in front of the cameras for Kate's reality show, with Jon getting a cut for his kids' labor. I should add that I actually really respect what a shithead Jon Gosselin has turned in to.]

And a little more, this time from Fox News - even though it hurts to type "Fox" and "news" in the same sentence: 

["Kate is taking advantage of every opportunity," a source close to Gosselin tells Fox411. "She is working her butt off, making payments on the house and finding new jobs and new projects that will pay her enough to secure the life she wants to provide the children. She is in demand and she wants to sustain the demand without overdoing it."

Meanwhile, Jon is struggling to slide out of the mess he created for himself when he forced filming of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" to stop last year. Sources say he is in talks with TLC to reach an agreement to allow them to film the family again.

"Jon does not have money for the intense lawyer fees and ensuing battle with the media giant and Kate has asked him to reconsider his decision for the family," the source said. "She is willing to negotiate with him and TLC so that everyone gets what they want."

But while the former couple is working toward a professional relationship, don't expect them to become the best of friends any time soon.]

Yeah, I don't think the negotiations will get so hot-n-heavy that Kate and Jon will start a coffee klatch. I think a handshake is stretching it at this point. I love that Kate's source lets us know that "she's in demand." Please. The hair extensions she chopped off have more career options. As for Jon? The job market is even less welcoming. Though he might want to follow Kevin Federline's lead and take that beer gut to Celebrity Fit Club... Meanwhile, enjoy some vintage Jon & Kate Plus 8. You may never see it again!

A Near Miss For Uma Thurman

debbie-gibson-intouch-too-skinny-bikini.jpgI was perusing one of my favorite sites, What Would Tyler Durden Do?, when I came across this terrifying picture on the left. My first thought was, "Oh my god, what happened to Uma Thurman?" Then I realized it was Debbie Gibson and I felt a little better. Deborah (as she likes to be called now) has been dating a fitness trainer - and, for better or worse, it shows. Check out this little tidbit from Evil Beet, circa August 2009: 

[You know, it would be only too easy to show you what Deborah Gibson looks like today. Today she is seventeen pounds thinner thanks to a strict exercise and diet regimen designed by her preventative medicine boyfriend. She started out wanting to lose five pounds, but then realized that she had much more to lose. Or, her boyfriend threw some BMI charts at her and told her she had much more to lose. Now that Deb is in negotiations for a reality show, I can only hope it will be the nail in the coffin of her year-and-a-half relationship with the idiot who thought she was too fat.]

A diet inspired by a boyfriend? I've heard of better ideas. Here's a link to the People magazine article from the same time frame as EB that maps out Gibson's journey to skeletal. It looks to me that a little help has gone a long way. Too long. On the other hand, thank god Uma still looks like this. Whew. 

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

kendra-wilkinson-bikini-baby-breasts-okmag-cvr.jpg* Adam Sandler proves you can have money and a heart. No word on what the tip was though. ~ Snarkerati 

* I'm exhausted by the minutiae of Suri Cruise's toddlerhood. I feel like I'm going through it in real time with her. Grow up already! Let's get to the scandals. ~ Celebitchy

* RIP Captain Phil Harris of Discovery Channel's Deadliest Catch. The world needs more kick-ass men like you. I don't know if we'll be lucky enough to get another. ~ Bitten & Bound

* Tom Cruise is said to be working with J.J. Abrams on the fourth installment of Mission: Impossible. Someone needs to tell Cruise that the jig is up. ~ Crazy Days & Nights

* Kendra Wilkinson's breasts do double duty as feedbags and fun-bags, just as nature intended. ~ Celebslam

* A Paris Hilton engagement rumor - now with even less relevancy. Alleged fiance Doug Reinhardt would be doing a public service by taking Paris "off the market" - but they don't give medals for that! ~ Hollyscoop

* Meanwhile Hilton's former BFF, Nicole Richie, effortlessly upstages Paris. That'll teach her! ~ Celebrity Baby Scoop

Tiger's #1 Mistress Is Awful

If you ever needed any proof that Rachel Uchitel is completely vapid and lame, just watch the clip above. I'd say that it's difficult to find what Tiger Woods found appealing about her - but his list of mistresses didn't exactly inspire confidence in his taste. Anyway, here is Rachel "giving an exclusive" to the equally abhorrent Mario Lopez. Uchitel lets us know that she was a "Mean Girl" in high school (no surprise), she's a terrible friend, NYC doesn't have sports or cheerleaders and that she hopes to find contentment in the future. Star magazine (where I found this clip - thanks!) asserts that this is Rachel's bid to become a talk show host in her own right. Given the state of reality-fueled television, this would not surprise me in the least. Here's what a "source" leaked to the Star

[Tiger Woods' No. 1 mistress, Rachel Uchitel, is moving into the TV world! "Rachel's going to be a special correspondent for Extra," an insider tells Star," and she'll be cohosting the show this weekend. She's so excited about it! She was thrilled when they asked her to do it. She would love to get more TV gigs and do this sort of thing. She has a great TV presence and would love to land her own talk show in the future -- a la Tyra Banks."]

She may have a presence for television, but I can't believe she'd have the fan-base for it. Before hopping in bed with Tiger, she was also named as the "other woman" in David Boreanza's life - just as David's wife was giving birth to their second child. There goes your female viewers. Will men be titillated enough by Rachel's easy ways to support her in the all-important ratings game?

Jennifer Garner Brings A Dolphin To Orgasm

Now I know what Ben Affleck sees in her! I couldn't resist. Anyway, Jennifer Garner is working hard for her money. Witness the awkward video above. Jennifer is promoting her little heart out for the ensemble rom-com, Valentine's Day - and no one can accuse her of not doing her job. Garner brought her unusually energetic self to the Late Night with David Letterman show - and did her best to tell a funny story. She is not a natural comedian, by any stretch. However, I have to give her kudos for the unusual share - at least it's not something you hear everyday! Now will you see her movie? 

Lindsay Lohan Is A Saint

lindsay-lohan-as-jesus-for-purple-mag.jpgLindsay Lohan is saying "no way" to a rumor that Samantha Ronson abused her during their tumultuous relationship. At least the former twosome can agree on one thing! More details, via John Mayer's favorite magazine, Us Weekly

[Lindsay Lohan and on-off girlfriend Samantha Ronson are finally agreeing on one thing: The celeb DJ never abused the actress. Lohan, 23, is shooting down RadarOnline's recent report that she's been telling pals that Ronson, 32, beat, punched and choked her.

"This is become a bit much," she writes on Twitter. "Samantha R never raised a hand to me. I've never said she did. Enough is Enough. Focus on more important world issues."

Ronson replied thanking Lohan for "clearing that up. The high road was giving me a nose bleed! ;)." She then added, "To ANYONE who perpetuates this rumour accusing me of being violently abusive after @lindsaylohan has denied it: I WILL take legal action."

But things are hardly rosy between the two. On Feb. 3, the former couple, who first began dating in 2008, had a showdown at the Tea Room at H. Wood in L.A. "Lindsay started screaming and throwing cigarettes at Sam while she was deejaying," a witness tells UsMagazine.com. "Sam ripped her laptop out of the wall and left."]

Yeah, I'd think if anyone were going to be accused of punching and slapping the onus would fall to Lohan. Just saying. Regardless, there's no denying that these two are like oil and water. Read up on their recent public tussle, in case you need reminding. It's weird that they have each other's backs one minute - and are ready to claw each other's eyes out the next. I could speculate as to why, but I probably don't need to...

[Photo Credit: The second coming - that day.]

John Mayer Must Have Needed More Company Than His Right Hand Could Provide

Thumbnail image for john-mayer-jessica-simpson-formal-wear-couple.jpgOh, poor John Mayer. Not getting enough attention, dear? John has managed to kick up a flurry of press for himself by flapping his famously loose lips... again. This time the ticket appears to be dredging up old history with Jessica Simpson - specifically her bedroom prowess. I guess ex-husband Nick Lachey must have taught her well! Details from Playboy magazine via Us Weekly

[John Mayer is kissing and telling -- again. UsMagazine.com has an exclusive peek at Playboy's March issue, where the singer, 32, dishes on everything from his past relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston to his dream mate.

He dubs 29-year-old Simpson (whom he dated from 2006 to 2007) "a drug." "And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them," he says, adding, "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say," he continues. "It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f*****' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.'"

He didn't share bedroom details about Aniston, who turns 41 Thursday. But he denied reports that he penned the tune "Heartbreak Warfare" about her. "That woman would never use heartbreak warfare," he tells Playboy. "That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person."

He also denied that Twitter obsession led to their split last year. "There was a rumor that I'd been dumped because I was tweeting too much," he says. "That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'"

Oh, and how many women has he bedded since their break-up? "I'm going to say four or five. No more," he tells Playboy. "But even if I said 12, that's a reasonable number. So is 15. Here's the thing: I get less a** now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don't like jumping through hoops."

These days, he says he is hesitant to settle down. "I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it," he says. "If I date somebody and it doesn't work out, it's another nightmare for me."

Of course, any interview with Mayer would not be complete without an Us Weekly reference.

Asked about his future, he says, "From now on I'm just going to pretend that people really dig the s*** out of me. I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's f***** up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even f******. So now I'm going to experiment with 'f*** you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."

You're off to a good start, John!]

The winners in this latest Mayer mess are everyone but John. Us Weekly definitely benefits from the high profile name-check. Playboy founder Hugh Hefner might see a brief boost in sales to his flagging empire with the attention paid to the juicy article. And Jessica Simpson could definitely use a different spin on her public image other than "she's fat." He must owe her a favor. Jennifer Aniston doesn't fair that well, with John's not-so-subtle slam about her age and lack of technical proficiency. When the pussy was new and the Tweets were few, indeed! But that just brings it back 'round to Mayer and his complete lack of class. Sure, he's getting the attention now. But my guess is that he'll live to regret it. His mouth already overshadows his schmaltzy guitar licks, that's for sure. Ask Angelina Jolie and how hard she's had to work to get away from her wild past... Not that she'd waste her time doling out career advice to a dyed-in-the wool douche - even if he is a charity case. 

[Photo Credit: When brunettes collide.]

The Stripper, The Baby And A Slippery Pole

josh-duhamel-fergie-jogging.jpgRemember the rumor flying around awhile back about Josh Duhamel cheating on wife Fergie (aka Stacey Ferguson) with a stripper? It was a hot story - until Tiger Woods raised (or lowered, depending on your perspective) the bar on "acceptable amounts of side action." Well, Josh's stripper is back to rear her ugly head - and this time she says she's with child. His child. Dayum. Details via Showbiz Spy

[Josh Duhamel is set to become a dad if these latest reports are to be believed! Nicole Forrester -- the stripper who Josh allegedly had an affair with this past fall -- has been telling friends that she is "95 percent certain" she's carrying the married actor's unborn child.

"Yes, I'm pregnant," Forrester said, according to American tabloid the National Enquirer. "Yes, it's probably Josh's. I haven't decided what I'm going to do."

Although the Transformers star -- who's wed to Black Eyed Peas star Fergie -- vehemently denied claims of an affair, Nicole passed a rigorous independently administered polygraph test that showed she was telling the truth about her marathon sex session with the 37-year-old actor.

"Nicole told me she's three-and-a-half months pregnant. She said, 'I'm carrying a million dollar baby!'" a source added.]

I like how Nicole hedges her bets and mentions that "it's probably Josh's." That is pure class. You don't want to shut out other potential baby daddies - that really starts off a pregnancy on the wrong foot. Rumor had it that Josh was still texting Nicole as recently as mid-November, so who knows. Can a steamy sex-text get you preggers? It sounds like Forrester is willing to find out. Of course there was Duhamel and Ferguson's high profile cliffside renewal of their vows - but Josh is an actor, so he could fake his way through anything with a smile on his face. That being said, I think Forrester is damn crazy. You know it's bad when even the National Enquirer is skeptical of your claims. The tabloid says

[However, that seems unlikely. Nicole previously told The ENQUIRER that she and Josh had safe sex during their tryst.]

Blown by your own cover. Ironic. I don't know what kind of vendetta Nicole must have against Josh and Fergie - but she seems hellbent on making their lives miserable. Josh does seem like a player and I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop on this story - but my guess is that Duhamel doesn't need to start saving up for diaper duty anytime soon...

[Photo Credit: You can't outrun those pesky rumors.]

My God - I Think I Just Went Blind

kevin-federline-on-celebrity-fit-club.jpgThanks a lot, Kevin Federline! As if you haven't done enough damage to this once great country. We all know that Britney Spears doesn't necessarily hold the highest standards for dating or personal commitment to diet - but this has to make even her cringe a little bit. Details, via Snarkerati

[On last night's premiere of "Celebrity Fit Club", Kevin Federline modeled the bulge in a pair of camouflage shorts. Gross, gross and even more gross.

This is the ginormous amount of belly flab that he blamed on Britney Spears and depression. Was he drowning his sorrows in a pool of HoHos?

Among the other d-listers on the show were Kaycee Stroh, Bobby Brown, Sebastian Bach, Jay McCarroll, Shar Jackson, Nicole Eggert and Tanisha Thomas.

We all know that K-Fed has already shed the excess poundage, but did we really need to see his fake football throwing poses in his skivvies? He's just gross. What did Brit ever see in his white trash self?]

If this is what reality television hath wrought, we seriously need to consider turning back the clock. Sure, loss of access to every faux-celebrity whim might seem like a high price to pay - but consider the cost. 

[Photo Credit: Ouch.]

Stephen Colbert Is Perfect

The Colbert Report
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Sarah Palin makes me see "red" (political pun intended), but Stephen Colbert handles her nut-job antics with aplomb. Which is why we should stand back and let the professional evisceration take place. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Sarah Palin is being ridiculed for using her own personal hand-o-prompter to provide talking points during the National Tea Party Convention in Nashville, while knocking Barack Obama as the "charismatic guy with a teleprompter."  The crib notes were: energy, budget tax cuts, and lift American spirits.

Palin's use of her palm as a cheat sheet really irked political satirist Stephen Colbert. He took up the discussion on his show last night, pointedly mocking her speech.  The comedian went on to revisit the subject of Palin's call for Rahm Emanuel's firing because he used the word "retard" while excusing Rush Limbaugh's use of the same word because it was merely satire.  At that point Colbert offered up this nugget: "Sarah Palin is a f***king retard."]

She could definitely lift my spirits... by going away - forever. The only thing Palin is good for is getting my blood boiling - it really helps to think of her when I work out. I run faster when I think of how awesome it would be to punch her in the face. Sigh. I'm smiling right now, just thinking about it. Given that physical violence is never the answer, it's best to leave it to Colbert to do his ever-perfect job of helping put Sarah in her place. Thanks, Stephen!

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Brooklyn-Decker-Sports-Illustrated-Swimsuit-issue-cover-2010.jpg* Brooklyn Decker graces this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover, looking stunning as ever. She met her husband, tennis pro Andy Roddick, when he was reading a previous SI issue and had his agent contact her agent. Men everywhere are kicking themselves and asking, "Why didn't I think of that?" ~ Bitten & Bound

* Sass, class and ass at the premiere of Valentine's Day. ~ D-Listed

* Calvin Klein has finally admitted to what we already knew - Kate Moss is an asshole. ~ Celebitchy

* Bradley Cooper's self-tan disaster. I guess his new multi-million dollar home has no mirrors. ~ The Daily Mail

* Kate Hudson and her latest man. How can Kate even keep track at this point? She must have one helluva diary. ~ Lainey Gossip

Jennifer Garner Lets Her New Friend Flop

jennifer-garner-jessica-biel-valentines-day-movie-still.jpgJennifer Garner and Jessica Biel became friends (of sorts) while filming the star-studded Valentine's Day - but only to a point. The premiere took place last night in Hollywood - and Jen proved herself not to be the most loyal of pals when she let Jessica make a fool of herself on the red carpet. Not that Jessica stood alone in her embarrassment. Just ask Bradley Cooper how his night went. Who knows - maybe the new girlfriends didn't TwitPic each other before the big event, and by the time Garner saw Biel it was too damn late. All I know is if I saw one of my gals in a gown that equaled ruffled Pepto Bismol, I'd physically tackle her before letting her go in front of the paparazzi. Details, via Lainey Gossip

[Um, yeah, so it's a movie premiere. With an ensemble cast. Not that that makes a difference. Because it's a MOVIE PREMIERE, it's not the f-cking Oscars. But someone forgot to tell Jessica Biel, who called up Kate Beckinsale for advice on what to wear. Which is why Shelfy showed up on the carpet last night full of tryhardery and way, way, WAY overdressed. 

Easy baby... why you blowin' your load? Embarrassing, non? I'm cringing. Almost feel sorry for her. Such a flagrant case of wanting it badly and, worse still, in front of a row of other stars who managed to get it right who work much more than she does. Why didn't her new best friend Jennifer Garner talk her down from the hysteria? As you can see, Taupe was attired appropriately, perfectly for the occasion. Love it. It's flattering, it's different enough, it's a good length, it's not too eager, it's not too lax, Taupe played the right note... and sat back and watched Jessica Biel aggressively try to spotlight steal.]

Click on the Lainey link above the the compare and contrast photos of Biel versus Garner from last night. For someone who claims she's too pretty for Hollywood, Biel certainly went out of her way to go ultra-girly for the event. Is she afraid those acting chops aren't going to carry the load? As for Garner - bad gal pal, simply not responsible, or distracted by her hubby's alleged booze-fest at Sundance

[Photo Credit: Jennifer and Jessica, in a still from the movie. I don't think my boyfriend would agree to see this with me, even if I went all Misery on his ass. Looks like it'll be a solo "woman with cats" trip to the theater for me.]

Beyonce's Dad Adds To The Family - Without The Aid Of Beyonce's Mom

matthew-beyonce-tina-knowles.jpegThe alleged bastard child of Matthew Knowles has arrived - and it's a boy! Beyonce has a little brother - whether she likes it or not. Matthew was slapped with a paternity suit while he was still married to his longtime wife, Tina - the affair and subsequent child is said to have lead to the couples divorce. Umm, ya think? Details, via Evil Beet

[Beyonce and Solange's dad Matthew Knowles is a dad once again. This time, probably to a much less remarkable child, but whatever. It's a little boy named Nixon and he was born last Thursday. The mother is Alexsandra Wright, a sometimes actress who you may remember slapped Matthew with a paternity suit last October.

Alexsandra is going to court next week to try and squeeze some money out of Matthew, who at this point has not provided his former lover or child with any financial support. Matthew's camp says that they're holding out on giving up money until the results of the paternity test come back. Classy.

Alexsandra says that she and Matthew had a long, 18-month relationship. That's whack. Matthew was married (and still is, although the divorce is in progress) to Tina Knowles. That leads me to believe that Matthew Knowles is insane. How can you cheat on the woman you created Beyonce with? That's some insane ego tripping when you think that you need more in your life than the woman you created Beyonce with. No one can even believe Beyonce's real she's so perfect, so how could you turn your back on that? Love's not real anymore, you guys. Just saying.]

All class, Matthew. I assume we're talking his share of B's fortune when we're talking money. I'm sure he pays himself a hefty salary for being the pop star's manager. One thing we know about Beyonce is that she's super tight-lipped about her private life - rarely copping to any information. This is a woman who will barely acknowledge that she's married. Thusly, we'll probably never know what she thinks about the new addition to the family - except that shaking her money maker won't erase this kind of disappointment. 

[Photo Credit: Matthew and Tina flank daughter Beyonce - presumably in happier times.]

Ah, Heck - Where's The Fun In That?

charlie-sheen-in-leather.jpgCharlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller have reunited - but not without a few court-ordered conditions. Brooke infamously called the cops on Charlie Christmas Day after a verbal spat broke out between the two and he subsequently threatened her with a knife. Merry Frickin' Christmas to you! Who says there's no Santa Claus? Of course that set a lovely tone for 2010 and now the couple has reunited. Sounds like a great idea! Details, via The Daily Mail

[Charlie Sheen was reunited with his wife Brooke Mueller yesterday after a court order forced them apart for six weeks.An Aspen, Colorado judge agreed the couple shouldn't be forcibly estranged, but did charge the actor with third-degree assault.

Mueller initially wanted the charges against her husband dismissed following his Christmas Day arrest for allegedly assaulting her. While the prosecution declined her request and filed charges against the actor, the District Attorney did dropped the couple's restraining order, a mandatory practice in Colorado for domestic disputes.

The judge modified the order on the condition Sheen, 44, does not drink alcohol, is in possession of guns or harasses his wife.

Sheen was charged with felony menacing and misdemeanour charges of third-degree assault and criminal mischief. The most serious of these charges could see the actor spend up to three years behind bars.

"Brooke would like this case to be over and charges dismissed so they can get on with their lives." Sheen's lawyer Richard Cummin added: "They finally got their restraining order lifted. They're finally able to communicate. You can imagine how hard it is to be married and not have any communication for some time. They're heading out to California so they can they work on their issues between them, and take care of their children and move forward with their lives."]

Asking Charlie Sheen to live without the aid of alcohol, guns or harassment of women is like asking a normal person to live without oxygen. Where's the quality of life in that? The state of Colorado might as well send Sheen to prison - at least he could entertain himself with more contraband in there than he'll be able to enjoy on the outside. 

[Photo Credit]

Eva Longoria Parker Loves Porn, Khloe Kardashian Odom

eva-longoria-parker-tony-parker-emmy-awards-2008-wikipedia.jpgEva Longoria Parker kicked off her new Twitter account with a bang! Eva, who was unfamiliar with the popular micro-blogging technology, immediately sent out a link for her husband (pro basketball star, Tony Parker). Unfortunately for her, the link went to a porn site. She claimed it was a mistake - but I'm not buying it! Details, via JAM! Showbiz

[Eva Longoria Parker gave online fans a saucy shock after joining Twitter.com - she accidentally directed her followers to a porn site. The Desperate Housewives star signed up to the micro-blogging website last week, but it took her a while to get to grips with the technology. When the actress tried to direct her fans to her husband, basketball star Tony Parker's Twitter address, she accidentally sent them a link to an X-rated website.

After realizing her mistake, she quickly urged fans to stay away from the sexy site: "Oh noooo! I put the wrong Twitter site for my husband!! The one I put earlier goes to some porn site!!!! Don't use it!"]

Unless Tony goes under the name "well-hung stud" on Twitter, Eva is balls-out lying. Girlfriend wanted to "share a link" alright! Meanwhile, despite supporting opposing b-baller teams, Longoria Parker and Khloe Kardashian Odom have become pals - and they've shared their mutual admiration, via the ever- beloved Twitter. Details, via Hollywood Life

[We at HollywoodLife.com have a new couple alert for you -- but probably not in the way you're thinking. Desperate Housewives' actress Eva Longoria Parker and Keeping Up With the Kardashians star Khloe Kardashian put aside any husband-induced rivalry at the Lakers/Spurs basketball game Feb. 8 in LA. In other words, they met, they bonded, they loved.

"Just met ‎@KhloeKardashian while our men battle it out here at the Staples center! She's so tall and beautiful!" Eva, 34, tweeted about her budding friendship with the E! reality star.

25-year-old Khloe, who tied the knot back in September with Lakers player Lamar Odom, reciprocated the love later that night tweeting, "I met @evalongoria tonight! Wow she is so pretty! And beyond sweet! I'm a lucky lady. Lakers and Eva!!!] 

Eva got used to the techno-Tweets and immediately used it for evil! It's only a matter of time before those catty kitties switch from complimenting each other's beauty to clawing each other's eyes out. Unless that porn link was meant for Khloe, in which case it'll be a very different kind of cat fight. 

[Photo Credit: Eva and her hubby. Psst, I've got something to tell you!]

Problems With The Toyota Prius? What Problems?

Have you heard about the Toyota Prius recalls? If not, you're pretty much the only one who hasn't! Get on the ball. Meanwhile - what are you trying to do, Japan? Kill us or help us? How's Detroit looking now?

What Happens In Between

What happens "in between?" For Kirstie Alley, probably not much. The stalwart Scientologist and former Jenny Craig spokesperson is back with another show that focuses on her weight - this time promising that she's gonna work it off and keep it off. A few details, courtesy of Celebitchy

[Kirstie Alley's new reality show "Kirstie Alley's Big Life," will premiere on A&E on March 21. A&E has released a trailer, above, and frankly it doesn't look bad. Kirstie seems wacky as hell and a little unhinged, but in a fun way. As long as producers keep Kirstie from talking about the dangers of psychiatry (as Scientologist Kirstie often does on her Twitter account) she should be fine.

After seeing the people around Kirstie I'm thinking "how many of them are Scientologists?" and "are they going to sneak Scientolo-speak and Scientology concepts into this show?" I also get the impression at first that Kirstie is funny and seems to have a good attitude. There's something really sad about her, though, and it's like she makes fun of herself but feels like total crap. Maybe she'll get some mileage and some motivation out of this show. Or maybe people will largely ignore her as they've done in the past. She can only play out this yo-yo dieting concept for so long.]

I agree - I'm far more concerned about the Scientology agenda than the weight issue. I feel bad for Kirstie because she's obviously masking a lot of pain. The irony being she could get the help she needs to confront that vicious emotional eating and weight gain cycle via psychology. Tricky, that. In an up-note, her previous show, Fat Actress, was frickin' hilarious. It's a good bet that this will have the similar verve that made the Showtime sitcom sparkle. 

Will Hugh Hefner's Company Get Sold Out From Under Him?

Thumbnail image for hugh-hefner-ladies-man.jpgGet spry, Hef - they're gunning for you! It's recently been revealed that Hugh Hefner's shareholders aren't happy with the icon's performance. I'm sure they're not alone! One shareholder is so unhappy that he's suing Hefner; alleging that Hugh is continuing to live his lavish lifestyle at the cost of his flailing empire. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[One shareholder of Playboy isn't going to sit back and watch any longer as offers to purchase the enterprise come in and get turned down. A class action lawsuit has been filed blaming founder Hugh Hefner for continuing his expensive lifestyle while his empire falls.

There is an investment company who has analyzed the business and found this: "We think the wild card here is Hugh Hefner. If you were Hugh Hefner, 81, would you give up the parade of busty blondes, the fancy mansion and the reality TV show for a payout?"

In 1999 you could purchase a share of Playboy stock for $36. Today you can get the same stock for a mere $3.14 - far less than the $5.99 it takes to purchase a monthly issue of the magazine.

The shareholders have had enough. The suit goes on to say, "Hefner has continued to live the good life and make sure everyone knows it. Hefner remains in the limelight, showing up at media events and at the Playboy mansion...with his girls by his side." It has not been revealed (yet) how much the shareholders are looking to gain from the lawsuit.]

Ah, no one wants to see Hef go down. Literally. Read more details about the case here. It really is a shame to read of Hugh's troubles. It seems that Hef deserves to live his final years in the lifestyle he's become accustom - and there would be no empire to fight over without the vision he created. 

[Photo Credit: Still pimpin' after all these years.]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Sheryl_Crow.jpg* Sheryl Crow is set to join the cast of Cougar Town. Oh, she also plans to guest star on the show. ~ Bitten & Bound

* Nude supermodels featured in a magazine I've never heard of - but will now never forget! ~ Celebslam

* Lindsay Lohan's lips match her vag - they're both plumped with love. ~ Celebitchy

* Did ya hear the one about the Rachel Bilson pregnancy rumor? Naw, me neither. ~ Crazy Days & Nights

* Hugh Hefner's ex-twins looking like their usually classy selves at the Super Bowl. Setting the bar higher than their collective age. Now with "must-see" photos! ~ D-Listed

* More from LaLohan, because there's always more. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. Ex lovers + current neighbors = cat fights. ~ Litely Salted

[Photo Credit: Take it away, Sheryl.]

Jessica Alba Addresses Rumors

jessica-alba-smiling-close-up-wikipedia.jpgRemember that little tidbit floating around about Jessica Alba's husband, Cash Warren, and Lindsay Lohan possibly having an affair? The rumor was shot down rather quickly, leading most of us to believe that the connection had something to do with partying instead of sex. Well, Jessica herself is here to give us the 411. Can I get a what what? Details from Cosmopolitan UK, via Crazy Days & Nights

[Jessica Alba gave an interview this month to British Cosmo and they asked her about Cash Warren and Lindsay Lohan and to Jessica's credit she answered. She said the whole thing was ridiculous and that, "Everyone has to live their life, and that's what people forget when you're in this business - she's really nice. We hang out and chat for hours about girl stuff." 

Really? I can't imagine Lindsay talking about a subject longer than about 20 minutes, but whatever. Hours? Really? Jessica and Lindsay? I don't see it. I think this is just some made up crap from someone in Jessica's camp.I want to know if she actually sat down with UK Cosmo or just provided a bunch of answers to questions.

In the interview or whatever it is, Jessica also said she is not into the whole soul mate thing for marriage and that she thinks it should just be about finding someone you don't mind hanging out with for the rest of your life and to introduce to your family. She didn't care about the whole princess thing and having a special day on your wedding. When you read it, it almost sounds like she thinks of it as a business thing or is very clinical and detached about it. Of course if you were marrying Cash you might not want to think too deeply about what you were doing either.]

Oh, girlfriend! I'm sure Jessica and Lindsay sit around chatting for hours about all kinds of girly things. They have so much in common. Lindsay allegedly loves crack and Jessica allegedly loves making cracks about Lindsay. Lots to talk about there! Meanwhile, if Cash did go down that road, I think it was a very short walk. Alba's got a bitch face that can keep almost any man in line.

She Will Be An Insufferable Bride

Wendy Williams is running with the "Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush will wed" rumor - and, god, I hope it's true! Whether or not Kim's people leaked that little tidbit, we may never know (we know) - but it's been said that Reggie would propose to Kim if his team won the Super Bowl. Well, needless to say, his team won! So, will this be the thing that finally twists his arm to the altar? On the one hand, I don't think Reggie is that crazy about Kim. On the other hand, it sure would be fun to watch another Kardashian turn into Bridezilla. I'd love it, and I know the E! network would too! Oh, the drama that would ensue if Kim were to be a bride. And you know she wouldn't blow her wad in one swoop like sister Khloe. Oh, no! It would be a year-long engagement, with much planning for (and paying attention to) Kim and only Kim. You know, the way it should be. 

Oh, Sure - Now You Get A Lawyer!

Thumbnail image for angelina-brad-smug.jpgI guess there was no truth to the "Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt see a divorce lawyer" story - but there's plenty of truth to the "Brangelina are gonna sue a tabloid" story. See how that works? Wait long enough and lawyers will get involved! Details, via Us Weekly

[Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are suing a London tabloid for claiming that they were planning to split. The couple's lawyer, Keith Schillings, tells BBC News that Pitt, 46, and Jolie, 34, have begun legal proceedings against the News of The World tabloid, which reported Jan. 24 that the two had agreed to divide their assets and made arrangements for the custody of their six children, Maddox, 8, Pax, 6, Zahara, 5, Shiloh, 3, and twins Vivienne and Knox, 18 months.

Schillings tells the BBC that the tabloid report contained "false and intrusive allegations" and that the paper failed to meet a demand for a retraction and apology for the article which was "widely republished by mainstream news outlets."

Schillings says Sorrell Trope, a Los Angeles divorce lawyer identified by some publications as advising the two, denied claims that he had been in contact with the couple. "I have had no contact from... Angelina Jolie and / or Brad Pitt," Trope said in a statement. "I have never met... your clients or had any involvement with either of them. The foregoing is true with respect to all other members of this firm." A spokesperson for the News Of The World has yet to comment.

Pitt and Jolie, who are not married, packed on the PDA Sunday during an appearance at the Super Bowl in Miami. They took their eldest son, Maddox, to the big game.]

There have been plenty (as in years) of speculation and misinformation about the couple - including too many breakup/split stories to even count. So, why is the couple choosing to sue now? Did this story hit too close to home - or are they sooo happy that the thought of a split is inconceivable to them? Curious, curious timing...

[Photo Credit: Hell, no - we won't go.]

Megan Fox's Thumbs Didn't Make The Cut

Foxy is flawed! For those of you who don't know - Megan has funky thumbs. Gasp! I guess there is no such thing as perfection - paid for or otherwise. Though ridiculous things come out of those pretty lips, there's no denying that Megan is beautiful. However, those hideous thumbs have fallen short - even by the testosterone-fueled Super Bowl standards. Details, via Celebitchy

[I try not to pay too much attention to Megan "I say anything that pops into my pretty little head" Fox. So I only vaguely recall a story in which it was pointed out that Ms. Fox has kind of strange, stubby thumbs. I think the term that was used was the Seinfeld-coined "man hands." It seems kind of petty to point out that an otherwise lovely, albeit vacuous, narcissistic woman, has weird, ugly thumbs, but there you go. Maybe that's why she's always sticking her damn thumb in her mouth - to hide it.

Anyway Megan appeared in an ad for Motorola that aired during the Super Bowl. I briefly considered adding it to our Superbowl commercial story, but it didn't make anyone's top ten list and I prefer to ignore Megan where possible. You can't ignore Megan's giant thumbs, though, and Motorola realized this. They replaced Megan's hands in the commercial with a hand model with more proportionate digits. My favorite part of this story is how the NY Daily News quotes experts who give medical reasons for why Megan's thumbs could be so messed up.]

Yep, it's news! Even the NY Daily News is in on the act: 

[If Motorola's Superbowl commercial proved anything Sunday night, it's that there are one too many bloggers out there who are overly familiar with Megan Fox's body parts - especially her thumbs. The commercial features the sexy Transformers star au natural in a bathtub filled with strategically placed bubbles.

According to the Daily Mail, after the commercial aired, meticulous bloggers noted that Motorola employed a hand double for Fox's closeups. "Did anyone else catch this?" wrote a blogger for Celebrity Smack. "I couldn't help but chuckle when they showed a close-up of the Motorola phone and the hands holding it were definitely not Megan Fox's."

After Fox's promotional movie photos surfaced last summer, revealing a candid look at her abnormally shaped thumbs, the Daily News learned that the 23-year-old actress has a hereditary defect known as brachydactyly.

"Literally, what it means is short finger," Dr. Steven Bendner, a hand surgeon at Beth Israel Medical Center, told us. "The nail of the thumb in this condition is often very short and wide. "It is usually hereditary. Although it could also have been caused by frostbite, or it could have been an injury to the growth plate in childhood."

But don't expect Fox's so-called clubbed thumbs to stand in the way of her career anytime soon. "In Megan Fox's case, it appears that only the last bone of the thumb is affected and that it does not involve the joint," says Dr. Richard Kim, director of congenital hand surgery at Hackensack Medical Center. "For her, it looks like it's just a cosmetic deficit."]

A glaring cosmetic deficit! How will she ever overcome this malady? Meanwhile, congratulations go out once again to Megan and her amazing ability to garner a massive amount of press for doing absolutely nothing.

Gerard Butler Completes His Contract

So, is the faux-mance between Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler back on? The rumor/publicity mill has been grinding on these two since filming began on The Bounty Hunter - and it's back in high gear as the release of the film draws near. Though Jennifer and Gerard supposedly "made out" at the Golden Globes, Butler was soon off his leash. Gerry smacked lips with a street performer and allegedly tussled with Kate Hudson. Of course, there's also that rumored relationship with Reese Witherspoon! How does he have time for a movie career with all those extracurricular activities? But, wait - there's more! Butler and Aniston reportedly flew to Cabo together to celebrate Jennifer's 41st birthday. Where does all this hanky-panky stand? Details from People magazine, via Yeeeah!

[She's certainly a creature of habit - and why change a good thing? Jennifer Aniston headed to one of her favorite getaway spots, Los Cabos, Mexico, where the actress is getting a jump start celebrating her 41st birthday - Aniston's big day is actually Feb. 11 - with a group of friends. 

But this year, she had a surprise birthday guest: Gerard Butler, her costar in the upcoming comedy, The Bounty Hunter. Last month, the two were spotted laughing and spending a lot of time together at the Golden Globes.

Aniston flew a large group of pals including Butler, Courteney Cox, her husband David Arquette and Sheryl Crow, whose birthday is also Feb. 11, to the One & Only Palmilla resort Thursday evening where the group is staying in a beautiful waterfront villa.] 

And here's the less sanitized version from Yeeeah!

[Jennifer Aniston jetted off to Los Cabos, Mexico to celebrate her 41st birthday with her standard crew of dried-up old birds this past weekend, but there was something different this time... something with a penis. Gasp! There's a name for the fine line between "perinnial bachelorette looking for a fling" and "hiring a male prostitute because you're a lonely divorcée who divides her time between mahjong and canasta with the girls and drawing mustaches and horns on pictures of your ex-husband's new wife," and that name of that line is Gerard Butler. Frankly, it's all downhill from there.]

Click on the Yeeeah! link above for the Aniston Cabo photos. I'm a Jen fan, so I'm hoping she's in on the plan and enjoying her birthday while working her 'arrangement.' Time will tell - and I have a feeling we won't have to wait long, given Gerard's inability to keep it in his pants.

Kendra's Trash Talking Goes Down In Flames

Well, so much for a Kendra Wilkinson vs. Kim Kardashian smackdown - the New Orleans Saints pretty much wiped the board with the Indianapolis Colts in the fourth quarter. Did that make sense? If so, I'm very proud of myself given how little I know about sports! Anyway, here's a flashback of the off-the-field rivalry, via People magazine, for kicks: 

[Let the game begin: Kim Kardashian and Kendra Wilkinson enjoyed some good-natured trash-talking Friday morning as the their respective men - Kim's boyfriend, New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush, and Kendra's husband, Indianapolis Colts player Hank Baskett - prepare to meet in Super Bowl XLIV on Sunday.

"This is the real showdown, baby. Let the claws come out!" Ryan Seacrest said, announcing his interview with the two women on his KIIS-FM radio show. Kardashian got into the spirit of things by kiddingly threatening, "I'm going to poison your coffee!"

Wilkinson replied by taunting Kardashian about rumors that she and Bush planned to get engaged if his team wins the game on Sunday, something the E! reality star has denied. Seacrest himself referred to Kardashian as Bush's "soon to be fiancée - I think."

Although both women are camping out in the same Miami hotel as their dudes, their pre-game rituals are quite different. "[The players are] staying a couple floors up from me," said Wilkinson. "[Hank] comes in here with me and spends time with me and the baby - his 'daddy time.' " Baskett previously told reporters that his 7-week-old son, Hank Baskett IV, would watch the game from a skybox with his mom even if he doesn't remember it.

Meanwhile, Kardashian will enjoy visits from Bush: The couple will have dinner together, then return to the hotel for in-room massages, but Bush will stay in a separate room, following a team rule.

On game day, Wilkinson's wardrobe will be a Colts jersey that says "Mrs. Baskett," while Kardashian said she's "superstitious" about wearing a team jersey and will simply don a T-shirt, jeans and boots. "I always wear something black and gold, though," says Kim, referring to the Saints' team colors. As for who will win, Wilkinson predicts a 27-17 Colts victory, but Kardashian - again, citing her superstition - refused to predict the final score.

Still, Wilkinson couldn't resist another jibe, saying, "I'm just wondering who's going to be holding the baby while I'm out there on the field [after the game] running and jumping around!"]

Surprisingly, Kendra got pretty close on the score - just flip that win to the Saints and add a few points. Girl should play the Vegas odds, if that whole reality television thing doesn't work out. Meanwhile, enjoy one of the many classic Super Bowl ads. If there're millions of dollars available to spend on this, why exactly is the economy in the tank? How about sharing more than a soda, Coca-Cola.

Click here for Kendra's super emotional reaction to her hubby's loss. Does this mean he'll be out of a job soon? I'll bet Wilkinson wasn't planning on being the bread winner when she hooked up with an NFL player...

Was There A Super Bowl Hookup?

cameron-diaz-waving-wikipedia.jpgYes, probably too many to count. The two people in particular that I'm thinking of happen to be Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodreguiz (aka The Rod). Frankly, just by hearing those two names linked, I have virtually no doubt that this happened - I wouldn't put it past either one of them. Details from Ok! magazine, via Celebitchy

[Although Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees may have called it quits with former girlfriend Kate Hudson, the baseball pro was caught getting pretty cozy with Cameron Diaz at the CAA Party in Miami on Saturday.

Pre-partying for today's Super Bowl with friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes at the W Hotel, Cameron seemed to be having a blast with A-Rod as the two danced the night away. "They were having a great time," a partygoer tells OK! while Cameron was, "grinding on A-Rod."

According to the partygoer, a tipsy Cameron was being very, "fun and flirty," with the Yankee player sitting on the couch beside her as she, "was dancing by herself and then turning into [Alex] some."

Meanwhile Tom and Kate snuggled at their table as Cameron was also spotted in between the two chatting when she wasn't hanging out with the baseball star. "Katie and Cameron were getting along great," the witness tells OK!. Jessica Alba, Carrie Underwood, and Alex's team mate Derek Jeter, rumored to possibly be engaged to Minka Kelly, were also on hand at the soiree.]

Both Cameron and A-Rod are known for random and frequent hook-ups - as well as high profile flings. (Anyone remember Cameron's date with Maroon Five's Adam Levine?) I think Cam may also have a little thing for champagne - which definitely makes her a kindred spirit. On a random note, I love that Katie and Cameron were having a great time together! Tom wouldn't have it any other way - literally. Celebitchy makes a great point - Cam does seem to make a habit of crossing peen paths with Kate Hudson. Kate has reportedly hooked up with Justin Timberlake (a Diaz ex) on the down low more than once. Would that be enough reason for Cam to hookup with Kate's ex, Alex? Or was Diaz simply just having nothing but a good time? 

[Photo Credit: Hello, boys!]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Thumbnail image for kendra_wilkinson_photo-body-paint.jpg* Charlie Sheen will be charged with a felony for threatening his wife with a knife on Christmas Day. Yep, it's another Charlie career high! ~ Bitten & Bound

* Apparently Madonna and Jesus Luz are still together. I guess that headlock was really effective. Have you seen her arms? ~ Perez Hilton

* Tim Robbins has allegedly been having a secret long-term affair with Meg Ryan. Call it the years of living dangerously... with plastic surgery. ~ Celebitchy

* Kristen Stewart and Orlando Bloom hooked up at the Sundance Film Festival? Aw, no they didn't! No, really - they didn't. ~ Gossip Cop

* Jon Gosselin is trying to use his kids as bartering chips with TLC. Just when you thought he couldn't get any classier... ~ Radar Online

* Linda Hamilton, the fourth ex-wife of Avatar director James Cameron, thinks her ex-husband is a sack of shit. She also appears to still be wildly in love with him, proving just how rigorous the filming of The Terminator must have been. ~ The Daily Mail

* Eighteen year old Jamie Lynn Spears has dumped baby daddy Casey Aldridge, in favor of a "well-to-do" business man 10 years her senior. Because she hasn't done enough to fuck up her Disney image. ~ Star Magazine

A quick reminder that Panty Line Press is currently posting Mondays thru Fridays. See ya back here Monday, Feb. 8th. I'll have the blow by blow description of the cat fight I'm praying will break out between Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian at the Super Bowl! My money is on Kendra - girlfriend is street smart.

[Photo Credit: It's Kendra, in body paint! The "outfit" that launched two reality shows and thousands of boners.]

What Was Kate Bosworth Doing In GOOP's Newsletter?

Thumbnail image for gwyneth-chris-martin-kate-bosworth-seperate-pics.jpgI knew there was something... off about Gwyneth Paltrow's recent GOOP newsletter. Could it be that she claims to eat meat? Yes, that had something to do with it. This dyed-in-the wool macrobiotic dieter wouldn't let a cow touch her lips if her life depended on it. However, there was something else niggling in the back of my brain, but I dismissed it - as I often do with all things Annoying Paltrow. And then I read this awesome post from Lainey and, thanks to her, all the pieces fell into place. Details, via Lainey Gossip

[As you know, Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney are tight. OF COURSE she had to feature the McCartney Family's project. Of course she did. But she had to swallow some sh-t in the process. You will note - Kate Bosworth is in the photo, that starving desperate homewrecking hag who called herself a friend of the GOOPs. And Gwyneth had to include the photo. Does this mean the cheating allegations, Chris Martin kissing Kate Bosworth at a U2 concert in October, does this mean it was all just a tabloid fraud? That nothing happened. Please.
You must consider the dates.

The official launch event for Meat Free Monday when this photo was taken was on June 15, 2009 FOUR MONTHS BEFORE the infidelity report broke. If this photo had been taken 2 weeks ago, sure, I'd be all doubty about it too. But it's over 6 months old. And it happens to be the group shot promoting Meat Free Monday wants to use. Which means editorially Gwyneth had no choice. It's not like she could crop it. Kate was in, like, every image trying to make herself relevant. And G had to please McCartney. She chose to please McCartney over satisfying her own grudge. But she was raised for this. She was born to it. She was taught to consider the bigger picture, to consider associations, to nurture connections for future favours and long term benefits before hasty emotional decisions, to always save face, to never let them see you hurting. It stings, yes, but she made her decision. They are moving ahead. They are buying more houses and mashing them all together. They are perfect on the outside. 

Oh and by the way? While Chris Martin announced that he'd be suing, legal action still has not actually been taken against Star Magazine for the cheating story.]

Click on the GOOP link above for the Meat Free Monday photos. Jesus! Kate Fuckin' Bosworth gets the top spot in the GOOP newsletter! There are two theories as to why: one is Lainey's, which has Gwyn taking the high road for the sake of saving her face and promoting the McCartney's cause. The second is my thought: by having a photo of Bosworth on Paltrow's very public newsletter is Gwyneth's way of proving that no infidelity took place. Why would a wife run a picture of her husband's alleged mistress on her blog; if not to look like she's refuting rumors? Funny - I was just thinking about the state of Kate the other day when I was writing about her former costar, Jim Sturgess. I briefly thought about her alleged fling with Chris Martin - and then the thought went away. I didn't put two and two together. Math is hard! Goddamn - it took a lollipop with a head to make Paltrow's newsletter interesting. This is almost as fun as Gwyneth's very obvious Winona Ryder slam...

[Photo Credit: What's shakin', ladies?]

Now We Know Where Lindsay Lohan Will Be Spending Valentine's Day

The only question is - who will be her lucky partner? There are so many options to choose from... I'm thinking John Mayer should complete the run on this train. It's really great to know that the Health Department has no problem with this setup. The restaurant's decision that is, not John and Lindsay. That's at threat-level orange. 

Crack A Beer

Happy Friday! Yep, there's still more to learn about Tiger's tales. It turns out that Woods' mistresses may have loved having Tiger's balls on their faces - but they don't like having their faces on balls. Ironic! Really, these jokes can write themselves. Take the rest of the day off and enjoy.

The Bling Ring Must Have Been Snorting Baby Powder

Remember the wild-n-wooly gang of young guns who went around burglarizing homes of the rich and famous? They allegedly snatched designer clothing and jewelry from the homes of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Bilson and Audrina Patridge - to name a few. The highlight? Paris didn't even realize her fancy stuff was missing until later - including several grams of cocaine that couldn't have possibly been hers. Details, via Crazy Days & Nights

[In an interview in this month's Vanity Fair, Nick Prugo says that when he broke into Paris Hilton's house he found about five grams of coke there. I should clarify. On one of his break ins to Paris Hilton's house. Apparently Nick and his accomplice stole things on at least two other previous occasions from Paris' home and she never even knew they stole anything. This was despite the fact they took designer dresses, some bras, some booze and a bunch of cash from purses they found throughout her home. They had gained entry from the key they found under the front doormat.

"We found about, like, five grams of coke in Paris's house" on another night, Prugo told police; he says they snorted it and left. Then they "drove around Mulholland, having the best time of our lives."

Paris' spokesperson obviously denied the whole thing and said, "I don't know why anyone would listen to allegations made by a self-confessed thief." I would listen to him because he is confessing everything so he doesn't really have anything to lose by saying more. It isn't like Paris has never admitted she has done drugs, including coke.]

Yeah, Paris totally doesn't seem like the type to do coke. She just seems like such a classy lady. It was probably left at her home by one of her less upstanding friends. In fact, I'm sure none of Hilton's pals even do drugs. They're so busy with all that do-gooding and hardcore porn charity work. It must have been powder of another kind. Paris excels at is smelling like a hooker - hence the five grams of Love's Baby Fresh that must have gone up the noses of the thieves. 

The Day I Shot Cupid - And Argued With My Boyfriend In Public

By Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ah, J Love! Whatcha doing, girl? Jennifer and her boyfriend, Jamie Kennedy, were recently in Vegas for an event - and it did not go well. Details from Star Magazine, via Celebitchy

[Upset that Jamie... took a "demeaning" job hosting [a] Jan. 28 event [the TAO a Go Go party in Las Vegas], "Jennifer was seething the entire time," a source tells Star. "She can't stand the type of girls in these contests - they're all in their underwear - but she had to be there to make sure they stayed away from her man!"

Another eyewitness says that Jennifer, 30, sulked the entire time Jamie, 39, hosted the event at the Venetian hotel and that she repeatedly complained she was unhappy and wanted to leave.

Jennifer and Jamie, who shot down breakup whispers last September when Internet rumors claimed Jamie was still sleeping with an ex-girlfriend, have been fighting constantly over their future, adds another insider. "She wants marriage and kids immediately, while he is really hesitant and wants to wait" - especially since Jennifer ended her engagement to Ross McCall only a year ago.]

Dude, if you're so insecure that you're worried Jamie Kennedy is going to cheat on you it's time for therapy. Girls gyrating in their underwear? Don't seethe - enjoy! Believe me, no woman in her right mind is going to battle it out for Jamie. You literally have nothing to worry about. 

I Wish John Mayer Was A Eunuch

taylor-swift-john-mayer-duet.jpgI never thought I would tire so quickly of The Misadventures of John Mayer and His Overly-Active Penis. Someone should pen a graphic novel of this mess - graphic being the operative word. First he writes a song about Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was his biggest celebrity conquest at the time. Next thing ya know, he's the go-stud for half of Hollywood - including (but not limited to) Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly and Jennifer Aniston. Don't forget about all that self-loving! Next on his dick's to-do list? None other than country-pop's tiny tot, Taylor Swift. And John's bragging about it too, because he's classy like that! Details, via In Touch

[While HollywoodLife.com is reporting that John Mayer is dating Taylor Swift, In Touch can exclusively reveal that John told a friend that he and Taylor hooked up when they were both in Nashville, Tenn., on January 24. According to a source, the couple met up several times, in public and private, and were first seen getting cozy in a recording studio. "She was sitting on John's lap, her arms were around him, and she was talking in his ear," says the source. "They were acting like teenagers."

That night, John, 32, and Taylor, 20, dined at the restaurant Cabana and were joined by friends afterward. The couple left alone and went back to The Hermitage Hotel, where they arrived in the loading dock to avoid being spotted and were escorted to John's suite, the source claims. Both of their reps deny the story. But the source claims, "Taylor spent the night and enjoyed mid-morning room service before leaving his suite the next day."

Though the source says that Taylor "adores" John, it seems the womanizer is up to his old ways, involving yet another starlet in boosting his career. When asked by a friend how his night with Taylor went, John laughed, and boasted, "How do you think it went?"]

Mayer gets more "legs up" in the industry than any aspiring starlet heading to Hollywood with her suitcase still in hand. You have to "admire" someone who will literally do anyone anything for his career - not that he's not enjoying himself along the way! As for Taylor - every young woman is destine to date a fair amount of douchbags. It's how we learn who the good guys are - the ones who really care. It's just a bummer for Swift that she's so publicly chosen Mayer as a teacher. Good luck, Tay!

[Photo Credit]

Lindsay Lohan Also Hoards Vaginas

lindsay_lohan_crotch_2.jpgLindsay Lohan keeps sinking to new lows - as if going lower was even possible. Lohan recently appeared on The Insider as part of a "Celebrity Hoarders" series with Niecy Nash - something so campy, I assumed it had to be a joke. But it was very, very real. Give Lindsay Lohan twenty-four hours to top that; because she can. Details, via Radar Online

[It may well be over romantically between former lovers Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan -- or at least for now -- but that doesn't mean that emotions, and tempers, aren't still running high. They are -- so high in fact that RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned the twosome got into a bitter, heated fight Wednesday night, which culminated in Lohan throwing a drink in Ronson's face!

"Sam was working her usual weekly gig DJing at Crown bar," an eyewitness to the altercation tells RadarOnline.com. "Lindsay turned up around 11 pm and she was in the mood for trouble! Lindsay was drinking straight out of a bottle of vodka and I saw her take an orange prescription bottle out of her bag and pop a couple of pills that she said were Adderal, she even offered some of the pills to a friend that was with her."

"Lindsay was trying to get Sam's attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn't pay her any attention. At one point Lindsay was dirty dancing with this really pretty girl right in front of Sam, obviously to try and make her jealous."

"Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, "Why don't you just have another drink?" and even told her, "You're a disgrace."

"That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy! Lindsay's friend grabbed her and pulled her away before things got even worse, she was losing control. It took her ages to calm down and she was going off about Sam for ages. Lindsay just has absolutely no self control when it comes to Sam. She obviously still has feelings for her and she's totally not over her. It's a completely toxic situation."

After the altercation it seems Ronson was still pretty worked up too. As RadarOnline.com exclusively reported Ronson turned up at another club, H.Wood, later that same night and threw a huge diva fit!

Ronson insisted on taking over the DJ booth, pushing aside the house DJ, then proceeded to just play a mix-tape instead of a live set, prompting the club's management to ask her to step-down. Things became heated and Ronson stormed out of the club, but not before taking the audio cables with her, leaving the club unable to play anymore music for the rest of the night. Looks like both Lohan and Ronson could do with a crash course in anger management!]

Where is Britney Spears' dad when you need him? Who is this "friend" of Lindsay's? Any real friend would have sense enough to keep Lohan out of that situation. Someone should sneak up behind Linds and knock her over the head - and when she comes to, she'll wake up in rehab. Seriously. 

[Photo Credit]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Thumbnail image for pamela-anderson-naked-butt-shot.jpg* Affordable Olsen Twin fashion items from their new line! Settle down - we're talking about coats, not cocaine. ~ Lainey Gossip

* Victoria Beckham on her hands and knees. Just the way David likes her! ~ Agent Bedhead

* Pete Wentz is no longer with Fall Out Boy. Because all of his "fans" wanted to know. ~ Celebslam

* Pamela Anderson is joining the cast of Dancing With The Stars. I didn't know that show featured stripper poles! I might actually watch now... ~ Radar Online

* So this is why our economy has gone to hell. At least nudity is involved. ~ Gone Hollywood

* Jennifer Aniston remodels her home to suit her single life. Wait! Isn't Brad Pitt a huge fan or architecture? I knew there was a wrap him into this... ~ Hollyscoop

[Photo Credit: I don't think that's what Pam will be wearing for her DWTS debut, but(t) I can't be sure...]

Jim Sturgess Is So Freakin' Hot

I'm not really sure what in the hell is happening in this trailer, but all I can think is "Jim Sturgess!" Jim is the man, the myth, the legend. He's what Ashton Kutcher could have been, if Ashton hadn't turned into such a douche. Sturgess is one of the few costars who allegedly resisted Kate Bosworth's charms when they filmed 21 together - although there are conflicting reports on that, I love him anyway! Jim has a relatively short acting resume, but he shines in every film he's been cast in to date. And have I mentioned that he's hot? He's someone I'd definitely like to see more of in the future. Speaking of which, here's a brief synopsis of Heartless from Wikipedia

[Heartless, a film directed by Philip Ridley, premiered on August 31, 2009 at the London FrightFest Film Festival, a popular horror film festival. Sturgess appears as Jamie Morgan, a young man whose life has always been blighted by the large, heart-shaped birthmark on his face and who sells his soul to the devil. The film is due for release in 2010.]

So the title seems a little schmaltzy, given the background. He has a heart-shaped birthmark - and then he doesn't! Oh well, it doesn't matter - I'm seeing it anyway. Read more details about the flick, via First Showing, for the technicalities. Or screw the deets and just get in line. That's my plan.

What's Shakin' With Reese Witherspoon?

Thumbnail image for reese-witherspoon-at-the-white-house-main-wikipedia.jpgLet's find out, shall we? Why, how convenient - here's a blow by blow description of a date Reese Witherspoon had just last night with a handsome CAA agent! Let's read all about it, courtesy of People magazine

[The Oscar winner, 33, shared dinner for two at Santa Monica's cozy Italian eatery Locanda Portofino last Thursday with Jim Toth, an agent at Hollywood's powerful Creative Artists Agency.

After greeting each other with a hug and settling into a corner table, the pair "were very flirtatious throughout dinner," says a fellow diner. "They were having a lot of fun, totally getting along and laughing and talking the whole dinner. Reese seemed very happy. She was smiling all dinner. The mood was upbeat and really good."

Mom to Ava, 10, and Deacon, 6, Witherspoon quietly split from actor Jake Gyllenhaal, 29, last December.

After the nearly two-hour meal - for which Toth picked up the tab - the couple walked outside and parted ways around 11 p.m. "Reese reached around his neck and pulled him close for a hug," says the onlooker. "They kissed bye on the cheek - but it was a very friendly goodbye."

Witherspoon is a CAA client, and a source close to the actress maintains the night out was just business. But a friend of Toth's says the evening was "a date," though "nothing serious." The handsome agent is known as a ladies' man: "He's enjoying the single life," says his pal.

Which likely suits Witherspoon just fine. "Reese is in a good place," a friend told People at the time of her split. "She's doing things for her these days. She's married to her kids right now, and they're honestly her first love."]

He is, indeed, very handsome! Click on the People link above to see photographic proof. And yet... why does this story smell like yesterday's fish? (Not meant as a euphemism for Reese's underused vagina. She's way to clean for that nonsense.) I'm not the only one who thinks this story stinks. Check out this opinion, courtesy of Celebitchy

[I have a hard time believing that Reese Witherspoon's date with a CAA agent was 1. an actual date and/or 2. not staged for publicity. The paparazzi just "happened" to catch Reese looking flirty with said attractive single agent, and People Magazine ran a whole piece on it that's now the featured story on their site. One of the main objectives of agencies like CAA is to get positive press for their clients. You can easily imagine a scenario in which someone at Reese's agency pitched the idea "Hey, Jim is single and attractive, let's have Reese go on a date with him!" That's probably what happened and there's a cute photo to go along with the story of Reese out with the guy. Why do these type of feel good probably planted stories in People leave a bad taste in my mouth? I'm happy for Reese if this is true and all, but my BS meter is going sky high. Still, Britney Spears is dating her agent from William Morris and Hilary Swank fell in love with her then-married CAA agent in 2006. It happens.]

My sense is that it's taken her a loooong time to get over Ryan Phillappe - and the stop-gap romance with Jake Gyllenhaal didn't really do the trick. Does this lend credence to the Reese and Gerard Butler hookup? Is the date with the agent a smokescreen so she that can continue her dirty business with Gerard? Nope. I think she merely needs to be seen as sexy again - most likely in order to promote an upcoming project rather than to fulfill her womanly needs...

[Photo Credit: Just be you, Reese. You are perfect!]

J.Lo Is A Bad Neighbor

jennifer-lopez-marc-antony-time-gala-2006-wikipedia.jpgAs if it wouldn't be annoying enough to see Jennifer Lopez everyday, try being exposed to her eardrum-shattering music as well. One of her neighbors claims just that - and he (or she) is not happy. Details, via Radar Online

[Think it might be fun having a beautiful superstar like Jennifer Lopez as a neighbor? If you answered yes, you lose. And so does one of JLo's close Los Angeles neighbors, who told RadarOnline.com exclusively that living near the actor/singer is, at times, a loud nightmare.

The neighbor, who doesn't want to be identified, described a recent day when the neighborhood tranquility was shattered by room-shaking music and a thunderous drum beat.

Despite the large properties in the neighborhood the sound from JLo's house shook things up immediately. "It was LOUD," the neighbor told RadarOnline.com. "It was during the day, about 4 in the afternoon but even as loud as the music was I could hear JLo barking orders over the music!"

The fearless neighbor, not intimidated by stardom, walked over to JLo's house fully intending to knock on the door and tell the star to keep it down. But the neighbor was intercepted in the driveway by two of Jennifer Lopez's "handlers."

"They were very polite," the neighbor told RadarOnline.com. "I told them this loud music was unacceptable on a regular basis and I wanted to talk to my new neighbor myself. That wasn't going to fly, they wouldn't let it happen. But they did say they would tell her to turn down the volume and that she was rehearsing for a show. Good for her - but not the rest of us in the neighborhood!"]

Sure, it's loud noise in the afternoon - as opposed to very early in the morning or very late at night. But it's Jennifer Lopez, damn it, and she must be punished. May I reveal my obvious bias? However, on second thought - how does one afford to live next door to J.Lo, yet still be home in the middle of the afternoon? Why aren't you at work? They're all bastards. 

[Photo Credit: This story reminds me of a band I was in, called The Bad Neighbors. We released a limited run CD called "Where's Your Apartment?". Yep, we thought we were pretty funny.]

This Does Not Sound Good

brittany-murphy-happy-feet-premiere-2006-wikipedia.jpgA tragic story gets sadder still. Details about Brittany Murphy, via Bitten & Bound

[On December 20th actress Brittany Murphy passed away at the young age of 32.  Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter of L.A. County is in charge of the toxicology report and is still looking for answers. The results aren't adding up with the information previously provided by Brittany's husband Simon Monjack or her mother Sharon Murphy.

A former employee at Murphy's estate told the coroner's office that a sealed manila envelope was delivered to the Murphy home every Friday like clockwork. The envelope was filled with prescription medication and the name "Lola" appeared on the outside of the package.

The source also went on to say that while Brittany was filming in Louisiana, the envelope was shipped to her on location. The source added the fact that Monjack always tagged along when Murphy was working.

Coroner Ed Winter recently visited Monjack and Sharon Murphy with a few more questions.  He wanted to understand why there are no records of Brittany seeing a doctor in the months prior to her death, especially in light of the fact that she had several serious medical conditions, including severe abdominal pain in the days prior to her death.

TMZ is reporting that Simon and Sharon were very cooperative when questioned.]

This comes on the heels of Simon's cancelled charity gala in honor of Brittany. It sounds all around shady - and damn sad. The official reports from the autopsy still have not been released, but it's clear that she suffered. No matter how this all shakes down, Brittany will always be missed. 

[Photo Credit: RIP]

UPDATE: Read more details, via Radar Online, here. This story just bums me out too much - I might leave the rest of the reporting to the bigwigs. 

I Thought We Had An Agreement

beyonce-by-jen-keyes-wikipedia.jpgI feel about Kings of Leon much the way I assume Beyonce feels about Rihanna - stay far, far away from my man and everything will be cool. Was anyone else uncomfortable watching Jay-Z and Rihanna accept an award at the Grammys with Beyonce's nephew in tow? Next thing ya know, Bey wins an award and publicly thanks her husband at the podium. (The duo have been famously mum about the status of their relationship, even after their wedding.) B might as well have lifted up that beautiful gown and pissed on Jay - it was obvious she was nervously marking her territory. I feel for Beyonce - there's always a young, pretty gal waiting in the wings for your man when you're in the public eye. Rumor has it the "other woman" used to be Rihanna, so you can imagine how awkward it must be to play it cool at an awards show. Whether there's any truth to the affair rumor up for debate, but you get it. Which is why I'm miffed at Beyonce. Girlfriend is ready to get her well honed claws into my men - and I'm not liking it. Can't she sympathize? Details, via Perez Hilton

[We hope this is true, because we smell a FEROSH song!! After winning six Grammy Awards on Sunday, Beyowulf reportedly approached rock band Kings of Leon and suggested they collaborate on a track together!!

A source says: "Beyonce looked stunning and was chatting to virtually every major star on hand. She kissed Kings of Leon on their cheeks and congratulated them on winning an award for Use Somebody. They were chatting for ages. She knows how huge they are in the UK and loves their album. She was scouting for people to collaborate with and has been talking about doing something different with a rock band. Kings of Leon would be perfect."

Agreed! Kudos to both for experimenting with their respective sounds, we can't imagine this to be a duet that would disappoint!!]

No, Perez - not ferosh. More like taking Kings of Leon and making them slick, over-produced and fake sounding. I don't like the thought of this one bit. Come on Bey, don't take my men just because you can.

[Photo Credit]

Is This A Joke?

This video is so over-the-top cheesy that I'm afraid to believe it's true. It's not Christmas already... is it? Niecy Nash (from the beloved Reno 911!) is associated with The Insider and Lindsay Lohan has sunk low enough to do this interview. But it's still difficult to believe it's not a parody. Details, via Michael K. at D-Listed

[Lindsay Lohan sat down with The Insider's Niecy Nash to talk about her mess of a life and also her mess of an apartment. Yes, LiLo is a Hoarder (add a "w" to that if you're feeling extra cunty today). But instead of hoarding cat carcasses and caca-filled diapers (those Hoarders episodes still invade my nightmares), she fills her apartment with shoes, Guitar Hero stuff and clothes.

Niecy, who is also the ringmaster on Clean House, is going to try to help LiLo tame the mess. There's really an easier way for LiLo to get rid of all that shit. Half of it probably isn't even hers, so if you lost anything (even a sock in the dryer) in the past year, just show up to LiLo's den of crackery to pick your shit up. 

And maybe it's time to get new people when the only TV show you can get booked on is The Insider and Hoarders.]

Well, goddamn. It sounds like the real deal. Lindsay needs so much more than a new team of managers - she needs a time machine. So this is what it's come to - and something tells me Lohan still hasn't reached rock bottom. 

Grouchy And Grumpy Are Pals

jessica-biel-jennifer-garner-for-marie-claire-valentines-day-promo.jpgThere were so many damn people working on Valentine's Day that the set must have resembled Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, only the dwarfs were celebrities. Do I have to tell you who the evil Queen was? I know I'm pushing this analogy a bit far, but I think you know what I'm getting at. Anyway, two of the dwarfs have bonded. Ah, that's saccharine-sweet! Details from Marie Claire, via Celebitchy

[Biel on their friendship: "You never really bond with all the guys in your cast like they do with each other." Biel is nevertheless excited to tell Garner about her work "shooting N4 machine guns and 9-millimeter Berettas" on the A-Team movie she's making with [Bradley] Cooper, Liam Neeson, and Patrick Wilson.

Garner on "living it up": "I'd like some wine," says Garner. "I never go out much anymore, so I'm going to have a glass of wine. This is living it up to me now." The women each order an appetizer, a main course, and an order of pasta Bolognese to be shared by the three of us.

Biel heard a story about Violet Affleck: "Oh, I heard the sweetest story about Violet the other day," says Biel, mentioning Garner's 4-year-old daughter (older sister of 1-year-old Seraphina). "One of Violet's classmates came up to her and said, 'I heard Jennifer Garner lives in your house.' And Violet said, 'No, she doesn't.' The other kid kept insisting, so Violet came home and asked you, 'Mom, who is Jennifer Garner and why are people saying she lives with us?'" Garner confirms the story, then says: "Wow. That's true. She just knows me as Mom, so I did have to explain to her for the first time about the difference."]

I don't think these ladies are naturally sour. I think both their men (Ben Affleck for Garner and Justin Timberlake for Biel) have seriously bummed them out - which can lead to that "I've just sucked on a lemon" look we normally see from these two. Of course, they are both beautiful so they can deign to be in one another's presence - and it helps that they're both "taken." No competition! They probably bonded over a mutual hatred of the queen bee. Spite is might.

[Photo Credit: Jessica Biel on the left, Jennifer Garner right. You know Jen didn't actually bite down on the pastry!]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* The least surprising news, ever. ~ Backseat Cuddler

* Madonna and Jesus Luz may be over, but she still has a link to Brazil in the form of nuts. Coconuts, that is. Both types of juice help keep you young! ~ Lainey Gossip

* This is what happens when orange spray tans, fake boobs and (alleged) steroids unite in unholy matrimony. ~ Bitten & Bound

* A former 'tween singer gets a lot of auditions due to how "accommodating" she is to producers. Yep, the casting couch still exists! ~ Crazy Days & Nights

* Blake Lively ate at In-N-Out after the Grammys. Will wonders ever cease? ~ Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

* In more exciting news, have you been introduced to the "secret menu" at In-N-Out? It's amazing! The protein-style burger is totally the way to go. It sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not. ~ Badmouth

* American Psycho is being turned into a musical. I do not want to be in the front-row for that experience. We have no good dry cleaners where I live. ~ The Los Angeles Times

Replace "Bud Light" With "Patron Tequila" And We Are ON!

It's a countdown to the Super Bowl - and the glut of beer commercials are beginning to hit the airwaves. No one but a frat boy already passed out in his own vomit would agree to strip for the mere joy of a Bud Light - but, for an ad, it's pretty damn funny. Really, my only interest in the Super Bowl this year is whether or not Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian will get in a cat fight. Now that I would watch! Details, via the Miami New Times

[You can't even host a Super Bowl in Miami anymore without it having some shallow reality teevee flair. Yes, two of the E! channel's favorite buxom bimbettes will almost assuredly be in the stands at Sun Life Stadium come February 7.

That's because Saints star Reggie Bush has been notably tapping the famous assets of Keeping Up star Kim Kardashian on and off for years now. While former Girls Next Door and current solo show star Kendra Wilkenson moved out of Hugh Hefner's Viagra-riddled sex dungeon and into holy matrimony with Indianapolis Colts player Hank Baskett earlier this year.] 

That's right, Miami - count me amongst the reality "teevee" loving dregs! Those who live in coconut rum houses with fake breasts can not afford to throw stones. Bring it.

Hey, Everyone! John Mayer Is Saying Douchey Things Again!

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for john-mayer-main-wikipedia.jpgSometimes I wish the world held more surprises, but there is a certain comfort in knowing there are some constants out there. One of them being that John Mayer will most likely never change. He loves to weigh in on all sorts of topics - and he likes to believe that he has all the answers. John has even solved Tiger Woods' crisis - just slip off the ring, dude! I'm sure Elin will be thrilled with Mayer's theory. Details from The Independent, via Evil Beet

["Tiger Woods' problems come from him being married. The end," Mayer explains. "It has nothing to do with control. If Tiger Woods was a single guy, what sort of angle would there be to a text message? If Tiger Woods was single, and he texted a girl and said 'I wanna wear your ass like a hat,' why would that ever hit the news? I can text whatever I want to anybody in the world; I'm not married. I write a lot of dirty text messages to girls, and you've never seen any of them. Why? Because if a girl brought a dirty text message from me to the newspapers, they'd say 'I don't have an angle here. Someone wants to wear your ass like a hat? Big deal. He's 32 years old. He's a single guy. If John Mayer has a wife and sends dirty texts, then we got a story.' And that's why I won't do that. When I get married that's gonna be my vows, 'Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?' Yes, I do--you're the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life."]

I guess John fits in those dirty texts to girls in between masturbating. Or is that a simultaneous thing? I'm sure he's quite skilled at both. And really, Mayer is missing the point. Is anyone surprised? Even if Tiger were single -  the lying, cheating and lack of protection (of heart and body) would be a problem for any girlfriend. It's Tiger's alleged sex addiction and very real disregard for anyone but himself that would get him in hot water - with or without a wedding band. By the way, Mayer is ironically giving us an uncensored glimpse (one of his favorite things) into how he treats women. Are you listening, Taylor Swift?

Mel Gibson Shows His True Colors

Sounds like someone is projecting! Mel Gibson got a little heated towards an interviewer, with hilarious results. A summary, courtesy of Hollywood Dame

[Mel Gibson lost his cool again, this time during an interview on a TV show to promote his new movie "Edge of Darkness," and called a journalist a not-so-very nice word after he was questioned about his drinking past and infamous anti-Semetic rant [sic]. Gibson was with WGN TV's Dean Richards via satellite, who asked the actor if he was a different person since the events several years ago. It was a line of questioning Gibson obviously was unwilling and unprepared to talk about. Gibson said he had done his "mea culpas" for all that and kept telling Richards to "move on, dude." When Gibson apparently thought the interview was over and the camera was turned off, he muttered the word "a-hole." Watch the video above for your LOL's of the day.]

Mel was acting shifty, rude and disrespectful. It's all the better that he got caught in the act - again.  

In Other "America's Sweetheart" News...

meg-ryan-by-david-shankbone-main-wikipedia.jpgThis ain't so happy. It's proof positive of what happens when you protest your title a little too much. Case in point: Meg Ryan used to rule the box office. The romantic-comedy genre was her vehicle - she owned the rom-com lock, stock and barrel. Then she shrugged off the crown and handed over her scepter. That's all well and good. No grown woman necessarily wants to be known as a goody-two-shoes for more than twenty-plus years. However, stripping herself of this role left Ryan robbed of what she's good at - being a lovable goof that still gets the guy. The dramatic roles weren't waiting for Meg - and what she did grab was a disaster. Hence a fade into semi-obscurity. Details, via Lainey Gossip

[Meg Ryan is only 3 years older than Sandra Bullock. Only. And yet...

This is Meg today at the opening ceremony for Istanbul Fashion Week. It's like she's 70 and wearing a wig. This face, those lips, that chin... remember how cute she used to be? I've attached a photo for comparison. It's heartbreaking. 

And especially ironic this week, as another sweetheart Sandra Bullock, who has had her share of "Meg Ryan" type roles, has just been nominated for an Oscar. Sandy is ruling the box office in her late 40s, is not f-cking around (too much if any) with her face, and earning widespread industry support, so much so that she's almost a lock to win Best Actress. OVER MERYL STREEP. 

It wasn't impossible for Meg either. But she made some bad choices. Starting with Russell Crowe.
Now she's attending the opening for Istanbul Fashion Week...?

With all due respect to Istanbul Fashion Week, and this is not meant to be pejorative to the event, it's not the kind of duty an actress of her (former) stature needs to participate in. Julia Roberts wouldn't. Reese Witherspoon wouldn't. Sandra Bullock wouldn't. But Mischa Barton totally would. Meg is more like Mischa. Shames.]

Click on the Lainey link above to see the pictures she refers to in her opinion piece. It is a damn shame. Meg deserves the respect and career options as much as any other actress - but something has been lost in translation. In the meantime, I would kill to get the number of Sandra Bullock's dermatologist. Aging well doesn't even describe it. Nicole Kidman, take notes!

A Fun Oscar Fight

Leave it to the adorable Sandra Bullock and the amazing Meryl Streep to make their competitive Oscar run an entertaining event. Both ladies received a nod to enter the "Best Actress" category for this year's Academy Awards - Bullock for The Blind Side and Streep for Julie & Julia. Of course the race itself is a total joke -  there is no way Sandy will take that Oscar from Meryl. However, Bullock is always an affable good sport and this time proves to be no different. Details, via Perez Hilton and Us Weekly

[We gotta hand it to these two HIGHlarious ladies - no better way to promote friendly competition than by threatening to end your opponent's life!!

Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep, who are both contenders for Best Actress at the upcoming Academy Awards as well as down and dirty badasses, are avoiding the anxiety of award season by sending each other DEATH THREATS.

Sandy, who clearly is much more hardcore than we've ever given her credit for, says:

"With Meryl, when this whole thing started, I left her a voice mail going, 'You've got to watch your back. I'm gonna cut you. I'm gonna take you down,' and then she sent me dead orchids and told me to die, so I sent her a case of liquor and told her to toast to white trash."

TOAST TO WHITE TRASH?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We'll raise a bottle of moonshine to that!

Sandy also has the honor of concurrently being nominated as Worst Actress of the Year from the annual Razzies for the shiteous All About Steve, and would appreciate that award just as much as an Oscar!!

"If I win, I am so showing up. I have to enjoy that as much as getting an Oscar nomination. It is the great balance in our business." We agree!! Congratulations on both nominations, Sandy, and for not taking awards season so seriously!! It will only stress you out!!]

Sandra, I love ya - but you might as well kick back and relax! Oh, and don't make your Razzie dress do double duty.

Angelina Jolie Goes All Stanislavski On Johnny Depp's Ass

Johnny-Depp-Angelina-Jolie-Star-mag-cvr-claws.jpgSure, Johnny Depp and I are currently on the outs, due to the recent revelation that he supports Roman Polanski. I'm very disappointed in you, Johnny! However, that doesn't mean I want Angelina Jolie to sink her claws into him. I'm not ready to sacrifice Depp to the angry fertility goddess just yet. It appears that Angie has different plans, per usual. Details, via Star magazine

[Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's relationship is in full meltdown mode -- and Angie's wasting no time moving on. She has her sights already set firmly on sexy Johnny Depp, her costar in her new movie.

The serial seductress plans to snare Johnny, when they work on The Tourist in romantic Venice, Italy, Star reports in our Feb. 15 issue. She's already started--with the same wiles she used to lure Brad out of his marriage to Jennifer Aniston on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith!

While going over the script, Angie insisted that she needed to meet alone with Johnny at his LA compound to "discuss his acting method," a friend reveals exclusively to Star. "She's already spent hours there drinking red wine with Johnny," the insider tells Star. And when she's not working her charms on Johnny in person, she's been bombarding him with flirty e-mails and burning up the phone lines.

Angie has a reputation for falling for her costars. Both of her husbands and Brad were on movies with her when they fell in love. And she has proven she has no boundaries -- she stole Billy Bob Thornton from Laura Dern and Brad from Jen.

Now she's setting a trap for Johnny, who has two children with long-time love Vanessa Paradis. "She goes on and on about how fabulous Johnny is," reveals the friend. "She's intense and goes for anything and anyone she wants. She has no limits!"

Things could all come to a head when they head for Venice, Italy at the end of February. But don't look for Brad to be there to intervene. "Angie told Brad she's going to Italy without him," says the friend. "Angie knows what she wants, and she doesn't want Brad in the way!"]

Heh, heh - "serial seductress" is probably one of the best descriptors ever. And, as Celebitchy noted, "discuss his acting method" is also one of the best euphemisms ever. It's true that Angelina has a long history of seducing costars - don't forget to add Jenny Shimizu to that list, by the way. While Stanislavski and Lee Strasberg are probably cheering from the bleachers for Jolie's commitment to her craft, be rest assured that the world is biting their collective fingernails in nervousness for Depp's partner, Vanessa Paradis. What will happen? Will Angelina succeed in her (alleged) evil plan to wrest Johnny from his happy home? Will Brad Pitt finally say he's had enough and go home to Jennifer Aniston? Will Angie usurp Johnny's kids for her Rainbow Army? No wonder soap operas are falling by the wayside. Who needs fake drama when we have all of this?

[Star magazine cover]

Hell, No.

will-smith-main-wikipedia.jpgWill Smith's "hot-n-sexy" wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith, has revealed that her husband has political aspirations that include the highest office in the nation. If Will were to become President, would we all be forced to watch Independence Day on Independence Day? A terrifying thought. Details from the San Francisco Chronicle, via Celebslam

[Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith has confirmed her husband is seriously considering a move into politics - just a year after the actor ruled out a career change. She tells Germany's Bunte magazine, "Will is thinking about going into politics. He once said he could imagine becoming a U.S. president. He wasn't joking, he was quite serious about it."]

Not only does that sound crazy, it sounds downright dangerous. Here's partially why, from Celebslam

[Actors. They're all fucking insane. It's pretty obvious what Will's trying to do. Follow me on this: Christianity became the dominant religion in Europe only after Constantine rose to power in 306 AD and became Emperor of the Roman Empire. With his devotion to the religion and power to promote it, Western Civilization eventually became dominated by the teachings of Jesus. So get ready -- if Will Smith becomes President, 100 years from now Scientology will not only become the main religion of the United States, but perhaps more importantly, every time someone checks into a hotel room, they'll no longer find a Bible in the nightstand . . . they'll find a Thetan Reader and a pair of sweet 3-D glasses. Look at me, I'm a Scientologist!]

Yes, Ronald Reagan did transition from actor to President - and looked what he helped spawn. Will has even less experience than Reagan - and, if it's possible, an even bigger ego. Terrifying. Plus, wouldn't he be distracted from his job with all that hot sex he and Jada have all the time? When would he have a moment to focus on foreign relations, other than French kissing?

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

amanda-bynes-twitter-011-500x296.jpg* Engagement announcement: Kristen Bell and Dax Shephard. Engagement rumor: Drew Barrymore and Justin Long. Engagement fact: sometimes hot chicks marry goofy-lookin' dudes. I assume penis size has something to do with these decisions. ~ Snarkerati

* Amanda Seyfried and her boobs in mesh. Also, details about her new film. ~ Celebitchy

* Speaking of Amanda... how about Bynes and her Grammy nominated friend with benefits? She's a Tweet teaser! ~ Evil Beet

* Amy Winehouse was caught sucking her thumb. Umm, I guess it's a better choice than a bottle. ~ The Daily Mail

* Russell Brand and Katy Perry will host a clothing optional wedding. Not really, but People magazine sounded edgy for a minute. ~ People Magazine

[Photo Credit: Amanda Bynes takes the photo spot because, well look at her!]


Trailer NSFW due to language. But watch it when you have a chance; it's fucking hilarious. This is the next project up by Sean Anders, who wrote and directed one of my favorite comedies of all time - NBT: Never Been Thawed. He's golden, people - just take it in and enjoy.

Simon Monjack Needs A Spanking

brittany-murphy-foundation-invitation.pngWTF? In the middle of his "grieving process" Brittany Murphy's husband, Simon Monjack, has managed to start a charity in her name. Oh where does he find the time? I mean, it's plausible. If Tila Tequila has time to get pregnant and adopt a baby from Haiti in the weeks after her fiance's death, I guess anything is possible. And there's one shining thing Simon and Tila have in common - they're both freakin' crazy. Details, via What Would Tyler Durden Do

[Us magazine opens this article by asking, "Want to attend a event honoring the late Brittany Murphy?" They must have heard me say, "you're damn right I do," because after that they detail how Britanys grieving husband has set up a charity with a vague goal about helping children, but a very clear goal for you to give him money.

In December, for a story unrelated to this, the Hollywood Reporter quoted sources saying Monjack was "a con-man" and "a dangerous guy" who, "presented himself as someone with a lot of money and had none at all."  But does that mean he didn't spend a million dollars to start a charity so he could teach orphans about jazz hands, and this may in fact be some sort of sham?  Yes, for Christ's sake yes, that's exactly what it means. What are you retarded? You can't be this naive, man.

a few quick points about "his money":

- In 2005, warrants were issued for Monjack in Virginia for credit-card fraud and theft.

- Also in 2005 he was evicted from his apartment in New York for owing $7,025 in back rent. This was one of 4 times that he was evicted between 1997 and 2006.

- In 2006, a British bank received a court judgment against him of $470,132.

- In April of 2007, Monjack disappeared for 10 days claiming he had been kidnapped and held for ransom, which Brittany paid, when in fact he was in jail.

- One month later Brittany married him in a secret ceremony after dating for 4 months.

- In November of 2007, his ex-wife, Simone Bienne, sued him for the $63,000 she was awarded in a divorce but he never paid. Another woman he was engaged to said he had given her a cubic zirconia engagement ring but claimed it was a diamond.]

And who exactly will be attending this gala charity affair? He and Tila should give up the ghost(s) and get together. That's the only way any of this will make sense. 

[Image Credit]

UPDATE: The event has been cancelled. Perhaps because no one was willing to give Simon $1,000 a piece to sit a watch him disgrace Brittany? 

Jesus Walks Away From Madonna

Thumbnail image for madonna-jesus-luz-towel-nude.jpegHow will this be spun? No one leaves Madonna - Ms. M does the leaving, bitches! Details, via Crazy Days & Nights

[I wish I could get excited about this story. I'm sure lots of you get excited about Madonna and Jesus, but I don't. Like most children, Jesus decided that he and mom Madonna didn't have anything in common and that he needed to go out on his own. In other words he broke up with her. Who cares? I didn't even know they were still going out. The only thing this relationship was good for was trying to turn every story into some biblical joke. Did anyone think they were going to get married? Last I checked there were about 30 sites all talking about this breakup. Meh. Call me when he starts dating Lourdes.]

Weren't those two supposedly trying to have a baby together? Next thing ya know, Jesus is hightailing out of Madonna's life. Maybe she is preggers! Perhaps Luz got cold feet at the thought of becoming a daddy at 12 23. A few more details, courtesy of The Daily Mail

[Madonna is reported to have split from her 'toy boy' boyfriend Jesus Luz. The Brazilian model is said to have ended the relationship with the 51-year-old star because of the 28-year age difference and their busy work schedules.

A source told the Chicago Sun-Times newspaper the split was initiated by 23-year-old Luz. 'It was not only totally amicable, but it was Luz who initiated the split,' the source told the paper. Luz is also reported to have realised their lack of mutual interests did not suit a long-term relationship.]

I'm sure Madonna is already on to her next publicity stunt conquest. Everything happens for a reason - and absolutely nothing happens without Madge's permission.

[Photo Credit: Breaking up is hard to do!]

Get It On, Like Donkey Kong

reese-witherspoon-at-the-white-house-main-wikipedia.jpgReese Witherspoon must be dying for some hot, dirty, no-commitment sex. After losing the love of her life (in ex-husband Ryan Phillippe) and dating the equivalent of a vanilla shake (in ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal) it's time for Reese to get her groove back. What better way to do so than taking a ride on the swing that is Gerard Butler? Details, via Celebitchy

[Oh. Snap. Lainey Gossip has an exclusive preview of a story that will be coming out in this week's Star Magazine. The scoop: Reese Witherspoon's rebound romance with Gerard Butler. Ah... NO. 

Shall I go into why this all kinds of wrong? First of all, keep your damn hands off my Butler, Reese! Second: The Butler likes them dark. For real. Like, he has a thing for Indian girls, Brazilian girls, girls that look exactly like Zoe Saldana. And Reese is a pretty little blonde. Third: He's probably still contractually obligated to Jennifer Aniston's vadge until Bounty Hunter promotions are done. Fourth: Reese likes 'em clean. She likes men who don't stick 'em in every vagina that falls from the sky. Reese wouldn't. Would she? 

Why it could make sense: Reese is allowed to rebound, especially after what I can only imagine was straight vanilla everything with Jake Gyllenhaal. She's allowed some Hot Scottish Moobed-Up Spice. It would also make sense because, despite what I said about Gerard liking darker girls, the man is a wh-re who probably does not really care about hair color. Third reason: Opposites attract, at least for a short time. She's a tightass, he couldn't care less. It's like a trite romantic comedy, only it's about The Butler.]

Gerard sure is gifted at making the rounds. He was supposedly making out with Jennifer Aniston at the Golden Globes - next thing ya know he's smooching a street performer. Oh! And don't forget about the supposed hookup between Butler and Kate Hudson. It makes perfect sense that Reese would be next! I know Gerard is in demand, but that seems like a lot of alleged action - even for a reputed horndog. I think there's more publicity stuntin' than tent poppin' for this dick in question. Doubt, doubt.... 

Goddamn You, Johnny Depp

johnny-depp-main-wikipedia.jpgJohnny Depp has gone public with his support for Roman Polanski. Today, my heart breaks. The hottest man in the world (sorry Brad Pitt, you lose by a chin hair), not to mention my favorite actor, supports a rapist. You know, that really bums me out. That's putting it mildly. Details from The Independent, via Celebslam

[However, [Depp] wasn't shy in voicing his dismay about the arrest of film-maker Roman Polanski on a 30-year-old statutory rape charge. In 1999, Polanski directed him in The Ninth Gate. "Why now?" Depp asked rhetorically. "Obviously, there is something going on somewhere. Somebody has made a deal with someone. Maybe there was a little money involved, but why now?" Polanski, Depp continued, "is not a predator. He's 75 or 76 years old. He has got two beautiful kids, he has got a wife that he has been with for a long, long time. He is not out on the street."]

And another, very different, opinion courtesy of Celebslam

[In the interview, Depp also voiced his support for 55-year-old Daniel Clive Lyttle of Bradenton, Florida. In 1977, Lyttle was sentenced to life in prison for raping a 15-year-old Manatee High School student as she walked home from a football game. Oh wait a minute, that's right, Johnny didn't actually say anything about Daniel. Because he doesn't direct films.]

So when Depp's daughter is thirteen, will it be cool to drug and anally rape her if it's done by a director? Or will his feelings differ then? Just curious. 

Cruise Of Shame

Thumbnail image for tiger woods and elin.jpgThe reconciliation of Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods is apparently still on - rumor has it that Elin is considering going on a private cruise with Tiger. My god, that sounds like a terrible idea. File under: Duh. Details from The Chicago Sun Times, via Celebitchy

[Tiger Woods' campaign to save his marriage is taking a new turn -- out to sea. According to a good source -- close to Tiger's wife Elin Nordegren Woods -- the fidelity-challenged golf superstar has pitched his wife, Elin, on the idea of joining him on a cruise of the Caribbean on his mega-yacht, Privacy.

This would all reportedly take place immediately after Woods is released from his treatment for sexual addiction at the Pine Grove facility in Hattiesburg, Miss.

The only passengers on the ''second honeymoon" cruise would be the couple and the yacht's eight-person crew. "Tiger believes this will be the best way for he and Elin to really reconnect, attempt to save their marriage and get on with their lives," the source said. Elin Woods reportedly is leaning toward going.]

I'm at a loss. What could Elin possibly be getting out of this? The marriage is obviously a sham and the money is already in the bank. What else is there? The love is surely dead - or at least it seems like it would be after the fifteenth mistress came forward. Complete mystery. Meanwhile, how many tabloids will be expensing jet-skies to keep up with Tiger's yacht? Privacy, my ass.

[Photo Credit]

The Oscars Vs. The Razzies

82nd-Annual-Oscars-Poster.jpgToday is the big day! The Oscar nominations have been announced, preceded by yesterday's Razzies. In an unusual occurrence, one actress has the distinction of landing on both lists. Congrats to Sandra Bullock who, ironically, is up for best and worst actress. Here're some of the top Oscar noms: 

Actor in a Leading Role:

Jeff Bridges in "Crazy Heart"

George Clooney in "Up in the Air"

Colin Firth in "A Single Man"

Morgan Freeman in "Invictus"

Jeremy Renner in "The Hurt Locker"

Actress in a Leading Role:

Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side"

Helen Mirren in "The Last Station"

Carey Mulligan in "An Education"

Gabourey Sidibe in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"

Meryl Streep in "Julie & Julia"

Actor in a Supporting Role:

Matt Damon in "Invictus"

Woody Harrelson in "The Messenger"

Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station"

Stanley Tucci in "The Lovely Bones"

Christoph Waltz in "Inglourious Basterds"

Actress in a Supporting Role:

Penélope Cruz in "Nine"

Vera Farmiga in "Up in the Air"

Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Crazy Heart"

Anna Kendrick in "Up in the Air"

Mo'Nique in "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire"

Click here for the complete list. I think the tightest categories are Best Actor and Best Supporting Actress; the rest seem like shoe-ins. I think it's a toss-up between Jeff Bridges and George Clooney for the top slot; and the Supporting Actress category is sporting some very tough competition. In the meantime, check out the hilarious Razzies selections. Will the double nom hurt or help Sandra's Oscar run? Does it really matter? She's up against Meryl Freakin' Streep. 

[Photo Credit]

I Think We're On To Something...

joaquin-phoenix-main-wikipedia-cannes.jpgRather, Celebitchy is on to something. She's the one who put two and two together - and the equation equaled a possible dirty hookup between Lindsay Lohan and (a newly shorn) Joaquin Phoenix. Yikes! The two were spotted out-and-about at the same LA club last night, leaving the premises within minutes of each other. In Hollywood, that spells d-i-r-t-y. Details, via Celebitchy

[I noticed that there were photos of Joaquin Phoenix and Lindsay Lohan exiting Voyeur in LA last night, likely within minutes of each other. It got me to thinking... hookup? What kind of sense would Lindsay and Joaquin make together? She's a crackhead... and Joaquin - well, who knows? He's shaved and he doesn't seem as crazy anymore, but you know there's something in there, lurking. Anyway, it turns out they were partying together, according to Pop Sugar, who claimed Lindsay "was soon off to finish her evening at Voyeur with Ryan Phillippe and Joaquin Phoenix." Conceivably, Lohan could be bangin' Ryan Phillippe just as easily, I guess. But Joaquin is the one I'm worried about. Anyway, as I was looking to see if anyone else was running with the rumor that Joaquin and Lindsay could potentially be hooking up, I found the old rumors of their alleged hookup. Apparently (and I truly have no memory of this), Lindsay and Joaquin were loosely associated together as potential hookups back in late 2006 and early 2007. In fact, friends claimed that Lindsay claimed that she and Joaquin had done the sex. Ugh. Doesn't that make you feel differently about Joaquin? Like, now, instantly, he's a skeeze.] 

Click on the Celebitchy link above for photos of Lindsay and Joaquin exiting the club separately. I can totally see this going down - the situation, not the people. I don't want to think about that anymore than I "have" to! As far as the other option, I'd like to think Ryan Phillippe is more loyal to girlfriend Abbie Cornish than he was ex-wife Reese Witherspoon. In short, I wouldn't be at all surprised if a Lindsay/Joaquin tango happened - but I doubt anything lasting will come of it...

[Photo Credit: Joaquin Phoenix. Welcome back, sucka!]

Rip Torn And A Bottle Of Booze

rip-torn-emmy-awards-alan-light-main-wikipedia.jpgOr several, as the case may be! Rip went nuts last night, breaking into a bank while armed with a gun. Luckily, no one was there. Unluckily, that's got to be the bender/hangover of a lifetime. Details, via Bitten & Bound

[Things went terribly wrong for actor Rip Torn on Friday night when he broke into the Litchfield Bancorp in Connecticut. He was reportedly drunk and toting a loaded revolver when he broke a window to gain entry into the building. Mark E. Macomber, president and CEO of the bank, doesn't believe that Rip wanted to steal anything or hurt anyone. Thankfully, there wasn't anyone in the bank at the time.

Police found Torn lying on the floor of the bank and they believe that the actor thought he was at his own residence. While Macomber believes that this is indeed a very serious matter, he is more concerned that Rip needs help for his alcohol addiction.

Charges filed against Torn include carrying a firearm while intoxicated, not having a permit to carry a firearm, first degree burglary, first degree criminal trespass and third degree criminal trespass. He remained in jail over the weekend and appeared before a judge in court on Monday. His lawyer Thomas Waterfall told the court official that his client would be entering an alcohol treatment facility immediately after posting $100,000 bail. Rip plead not guilty just a year ago to his third DUI.] 

This couldn't have been scripted better than if it were crafted for a movie. Rip has a history of volatile behavior and incidents with drinking (including 3 DUI's) - but this is off the charts! I hope this is the catalyst for Torn to get some much needed help...

[Photo Credit: Alan Light, via Wikipedia]

Suri Cruise Is Ticked She Didn't Make The "Vanity Fair" Cover

Thumbnail image for katie-holmes-suri-cruise-sans-coat-nyc-nov.jpgDid you hear the news, released last week, that Suri Cruise wants to become an actress? Naturally, her parents are thrilled! If you're feeling like a loser for not making your career choice by the time you were three-years old, never fear - Chelsea Handler is here! Laugh in the face of certainty, courtesy of Chelsea Lately's E! blog

[I recently picked up a little magazine called British Star. It's pretty much like the American version of Star magazine but it uses the word "chat" instead of talk, and it's more expensive.

A story about Suri Cruise caught my eye. According to the magazine, Suri has decided that she'd like to be an actress. She reportedly loves her dance lessons so much, that she asked her parents if she could also enroll in some acting classes. In the U.S., that's called a "double threat," and it's not to be taken lightly.  

Suri is three-years old, but she's growing up fast, and obviously her parents are just going to have to adjust. Tom Cruise is supposedly "thrilled" that she wants to be an actress, but when she starts taking roles from him we'll see how happy he is. If the next installment of Mission Impossible could cast her in the lead role instead of Tom, they'd save a lot of money on apple boxes.]

Sure, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are wildly permissive now - but just wait until Suri hits her teens. She'll go from an aspiring actress with a million dollar wardrobe to a burka in seconds flat once her folks watch Suri nabbing the attention of all the boys... Meanwhile, Vanity Fair has made Suri's shit-list. The mag recently shunned the mini-mogul when they failed to include her in their "actresses of the future" list. Bitch, please! Don't they know who she is? I see revenge brewing in those little eyes!

[Photo Credit]

I Couldn't Resist

I know this makes me a nerd, but I'm an unrepentant Ugly Betty fan. I totally adore that show - cast, writers and crew included. It has everything to do with watching Betty every week with my sister-in-law before she passed away. That time together with her and my beloved niece was a bright spot in an otherwise soul-crushing experience. It was a one-hour zone where we were free to laugh. To have the show cancelled is like taking away one more piece of a place I go to think about her. Sure, it sounds overly dramatic - but one thing I've learned is that people grieve in weird ways. I guess this is mine. Oh - and to lighten the mood - the video above is pretty damn hilarious! Viva, Betty!

Where Is Zoe Saldana?

new-hollywood-cover-girls-vanity-fair-cvr.jpgWe're about to get a glimpse into the future of acting, courtesy of Vanity Fair - and the future's so white, I've gotta wear shades. Sorry, that was bad - but so is the famed magazine's selection of the next generation of leading ladies. Not that many of them aren't astoundingly talented, but it would be nice to add some variety to that candy box. The stunning Zoe Saldana wowed in both Star Trek and Avatar - so why isn't she in the lead for a coveted cover spot? I realize, admittedly, that age might be a factor - the list is reserved for twenty-somethings, while Zoe clocks in at 31. However, aren't there any young actresses of ethnicity that make the grade? Including a few brunettes and a redhead doesn't count... Click here for the excellent Defamer article that breaks down the future of each cover gal. 

[Vanity Fair magazine cover. Click on the VF link for their article.]


heidi-montag-pre-post.jpgWe are having quite the intermittent Internet connection around here today. I've been knocked offline several times today, resulting in lost work and lots of hair-pulling tantrums. Almost like Lady Gaga at the Grammys last night - if she ever showed any kind of emotion. So, for all you lovers and haters out there, just know that I'm trying! I'll post double for what I can't get going today... xo

Heidi Montag is one of the lamest people I can think of, so she takes the photo spot - even in spite of her near-permanent PLP ban. From I'm Bringing Blogging Back:

[The other day an IBBB reader asked me to show a little "before and after" of our beloved Heidi Montard. It looks like fame can really change you. Well, that an a surgical knife. Well, a surgical knife and selling your soul to the devil. Well, a surgical knife, selling your soul to the devil, and being white trash with new money. Well, a surgical knife, selling your soul to the devil, being white trash with new money, and having people around you convincing you that you can actually sing and dance.

Seriously, do you think if Heidi one days goes to heaven, Jesus Claus will be like, "Good, now I want you to stay right here and sit through 4 seasons of The Hills."]

[Image via IBBB]

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