April 2010 Archives

Who In The Hell Breaks Up With Halle Berry?

Who in the hell breaks up with Halle Berry? Rumor has it that Halle and her ridiculously hot baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, have split because their nine year age difference had become "a problem" for him. Dude, you're 'effing Halle Berry - it's not like she's a dried up old prune and being with her is something you have to get through. I mean, I'm just guessing here - but, come on! Aubry is said to have developed a wandering eye and wanted to split with Berry instead of cheating on her. While that is admirable, I have to ask - what in the hell could Gabriel possibly be looking for? Halle is a gorgeous, talented actress with millions of dollars and an Oscar on her mantle. She also bore him a daughter. What else is there? I haven't done extensive research, but I don't know of any magic vaginas that sing or do hat tricks. What does he think is out there?

Why Is There Still A Sexual Double Standard?

Well, if this revelation doesn't get Elin Nordegren to file for divorce from Tiger Woods, I don't know what will. The latest in this never-ending scandal is that Tiger allegedly slept with 120 women while he was simultaneously married to Elin. What's the word for the man equivalent to "whorin' it up" going to be? Because Woods has set the bar pretty high, or low, depending on your perspective. I do have to say it sucks that his private records from therapy sessions were allegedly stolen (according to the National Enquirer) - no one deserves that. 

Oh, This Should Be Gooood

And when I say "good," I mean "bad." Surprise, it's opposite day! Katie Holmes has snagged herself an actressin' job, y'all! Well, I'll be damned. It's not like her career situation is as dire as Lindsay Lohan's - Tom Cruise will make sure Katie has a roof over her head, though he might not always feed her. However, Katie's gamble to sell her soul in exchange for an A-list acting career hasn't exactly panned out - in case you haven't noticed. The roles have been few and far between; and those Holmes have taken haven't exactly been critically lauded. Now she's thrown a twist in the works by "agreeing" to star in a television mini-series about the Kennedys. Katie will play Jackie Kennedy to Greg Kinnear's JFK. Frankly I'm less worried about Katie - my true concern lies with Greg. Kinnear is a seriously fabulous, albeit underrated, actor. I have no doubt he'll bring the grace, power and playboy to the John F. Kennedy role. But will Katie's stank taint his quiet but stellar career? You'd better hire yourself a top-notch acting coach, Holmes. I will cut you if you mess with my Kinnear. 

It's Another Installment Of "Let's Make Fun Of Gwyneth Paltrow!"

turkeyWrap.jpgWhy is one celebrity lauded over another? It would seem that Gwyneth Paltrow is doing "good things." She started a website to share her tips about life with us - why wouldn't we love her for it? Many, many other celebrities use Botox - yet Nicole Kidman is publicly ridiculed for her "frozen face." Then there's Sandra Bullock, who disappears from the limelight to lick her wounds and emerges with an adopted baby boy. The world gave a collective sigh of relief. Our beloved Sandy will be okay! But Gwyneth and Nicole? Y'all can suck it. I think it comes down to two things - heart and intention. Sandra's are good, on both counts. The other two? Not so much. Bullock could make turkey wraps and most people would think it was charming. Paltrow makes turkey wraps and most people think, "What a pretentious bitch." I can't speak for everyone, but at least that's what I thought when her newsletter arrived in my inbox and I saw this photo. Here's a snippet from GOOP

[Day after day, it stares up at you, challenging you in ways you never thought possible, begging for originality: the lunchbox! This week we bring you ideas to change things up with some healthy options that kids love.]

I love the vision of a lunchbox taunting and terrifying Gwyneth. Where's my Hollywood pitch meeting? I'd like to make a horror movie out of this. Anyhoo - odds are, despite my pledge to be a better person, that I'll go on despising Paltrow and rooting for Bullock. I'm not strong enough to buck the system.

[Photo Credit: From GOOP herself.]

He's Crazy - And I Love Him

It's near impossible to think of someone more revered, adored or appreciated in the music industry than Dave Grohl. Sure, Taylor Swift receives loads of accolades for being a nice gal - but bitch wasn't in Nirvana, so she can shut it. I briefly met Dave once, backstage at a Foo Fighters concert. He was walking towards me after the show and I knew this was my moment. What should I say to my idol? I called out his name, "Hey, Dave!" He stopped and said, "Yes?" I looked him right in the eye and said, "Good job." Yep, in the heat of the moment that is what I came up with. Brilliant. He looked at me like I was insane, but he managed a gracious, "Thank you" before he walked off. Good job? Of course he did a fucking good job. He's Dave Grohl. I know it and he knows it. Though it was years ago, I still cringe when I think about it. Upside: I seriously doubt Dave could recall that incident to save his life, so I'm sure all is well. Above is hilarious "raw footage" from his current project, Them Crooked Vultures. No one seems more sane going nuts than Grohl. I know I don't have a leg to stand on in that realm! Enjoy Dave's descent into caffeine addiction. I'd offer to make his Fresh Pots, but I don't think I'm allowed within twenty feet of him anymore. Good job, indeed!

There Are Bigger Secrets, But I Can't Think Of Them Right Now

sandra-bullock-baby-people-mag-cvr.jpgSandra Bullock finally got her groove back with a blindside of her own - the Oscar winning actress secretly adopted a baby boy from New Orleans almost four months ago! Goddamn. As if there was ever a doubt that Sandra would emerge from her nightmare on top and classier than ever. Via People Magazine's coup of the decade: 

[He's just perfect, I can't even describe him any other way," Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. "It's like he's always been a part of our lives."

Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family - including James's children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 - were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now finalizing the adoption as a single parent.]

Bullock didn't stump for the Oscar by parading her adoption. Now it's the surprise salve on the wound of her public humiliation. What in the hell was that sentence? Apparently I'm considering a career move to romance novels. Not that there's anything wrong with that profession! Meanwhile, Jesse James has also held close to type by releasing an emotionally controlling and narcissistic statement about his impending divorce. The quote from Celebitchy, also via People

["The decision to let my wife end our marriage, and continue the adoption of Louis on her own, has been the hardest. The love I have for Louis cannot be put to words. Not having him around to love and to hold has left a huge hole in my heart.

"Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go. Right now it is time for me to beat this addiction that has taken two of the things I love the most in life.

"I have always taken great pride in proving people wrong. That time has come once again to show that I am not what everyone says I am. I know in my heart that I can be the best father possible to my four children, and the mate Sandy deserves, and realize that this is an incredible mountain to climb. But I believe that the steps I have taken in the last 30 days are the foundation for making this happen. The lifelong commitment I am making is what being a real husband and father is all about.

"I ask that you please do not judge Sandy for the things I have done. She has done no wrong. She played no part in any of this. She has been an amazing wife, mother, and best friend, for the over 6 years we have been together."]

"Letting" Sandra divorce him after he banged countless whores? Jesse James is such a generous soul. And by the way, Jesse - no one thinks Sandy has done anything wrong. Except trust James, of course. 

[People Magazine cover coup]

Editor's sassy update: I forgot to mention that I saw a billboard advertising Michelle "Bombshell" McGee's appearance at a strip club when I was recently in Las Vegas. Because that's how you do a tour of contrition - with your clothes off. 

The Dead Weather Are Mesmerizing

the-dead-weather-music-video.jpgSure, it's not exactly groundbreaking news - but it's true to a fault. I saw The Dead Weather in November and they've already grown leaps and bounds since that event. What was once a grouping of four outstanding, but separate, musicians has now jelled into a full-fledged band. It must have something to do with all that touring. Ha! Honestly I wasn't overly impressed with the November show, but I was still excited for the April gig at the Palms Casino. It was so worth the gamble - if you can handle "gamble" and "Vegas" in a music review set in Sin City. The obvious is easy for a reason! Everything about this experience was complimentary - from the margaritas we indulged in at the bar prior to entering the venue to the surprise kindness of a security guard who let us sit in some seriously cushy stage-side seats. I wasn't familiar with opening band The Ettes, but I'm a fan now. Good-looking young kids who happen to end up in a group can often come across as pre-fab, but that's happily not the case here. The Ettes are painfully hot, in the best way - especially the drummer. Imagine Slash, with breasts. I'll let you sit with that for a moment. Here's something else that was a surprise - video work so sure-handed and clever that it actually added to the concert experience. The Ettes set was in color, while Dead Weather's was in black and white. The visuals created another dimension to an already outstanding show. The Dead Weather set was so good that I risked death, literally. I was so mesmerized by the band that I wouldn't get up to pee. My bladder was ready to burst near the end. I wanted to thank the security guard who gifted us our seats - instead I had to limp to the nearest restroom, hoping things would hold for one more moment. And that, my friends, is the testament to a fan-fucking-tastic band.

If She Plucked All The Gray Hairs Out, She'd Be Bald...

ashton-kutcher-demi-moore-in-gray.jpg... and I'm not just talking about her head. Demi Moore continues to insist she's aging naturally and that her beauty is fueled by love. I don't doubt that having full access to Ashton Kutcher's hairless chest and throbbing manhood keeps those hormones a-flowin' - but come on! Aging for ladies is a relentless hot bag of hell and we all know it. She's certainly doing an amazing job of keeping everything at bay - but why not share those tips? Lying doesn't help anybody, including Ms. Moore. Details from Hello! Magazine via Celebitchy

[When asked how Demi stays looking so young, she answers "Fun time with my husband... I think it's also sharing a quality life with someone where I know that I have someone who loves me not just for who I am, but all the things that I'm not. He embraces my imperfections and that gives me a greater sense of courage and ability to be a great risk-taker."

Demi on her hair: "I don't dye my hair, but I do have a few grey hairs that I pluck out."

On Twitter: "There is a direct contact and there's comfort, because you're in control of what's being put out there. If I'm going to have a humiliating or unattractive photo, I would rather be in on the joke and post it myself."

How did Demi look so "amazing" at the Oscars? "Trust me, it's a team. That particular day is really kind of a magical effort of a great group coming together to make it all work to its highest good.

Is there a secret to your eternal youth? "Well, you know, the reality of it is I've aged. I certainly don't look the same as I did in my 20s or 30s. I think that it's important to come from the inside out and that we wear our joy and our happiness and our beauty when the inside is radiating that. And then, of course, you have to take care of yourself. You can't abuse yourself, you eat well - all of those things that we all know. There really isn't any particular secret and, trust me, I obsess and look in the mirror and occasionally say, "Where's that little strap that I can hang around my neck that says, 'Help my face is falling and I can't get up'?"]

Ah, Demi. I've never known her to do much in the public service department, so the fact that she's keeping her cards close to her vest comes as no surprise. I guess it doesn't behoove her to share her trade secrets. Why spill the beans when you can romp with the 30 year olds in your 50's? 

[Photo Credit]

The Cheesy & The Sleazy

cristiano-ronaldo-kim-kardashian-separate-pics.jpgIt's difficult to discern which is which. Kim Kardashian seems to be "bouncing" back nicely from her split with longtime on-again/off-again beau, Reggie Bush. At least that's the card she's playing in public. So much so, rumors have already surfaced of a make-out session between herself and another athlete. Yes, word on the street is that Kim was seen locking lips with none other than greasy hunk/soccer star, Cristiano Ronaldo. You might recall that Cristiano also allegedly hooked up with Paris Hilton during one of the many times the socialite broke up with Doug Reinhardt. Paris was on Twitter last week denying that she and Reggie Bush "connected" in Vegas. Next thing ya know, Kim snagged Cristiano. Coincidence? I don't know - where is the camera? It wouldn't be the first time Kim and Paris engaged in some "friendly" competition. Read more here and here

[Photo Credit: Sculpted!]

You've Got To Admire His Balls

charlie-sheen-main-wikipedia.jpgCharlie Sheen is in trouble... again. This time he's accused of hiring a call girl and having sex with her in his marital bed while his estranged wife, Brooke Mueller, is in rehab. Boy, there's nothing a woman loves more than the smell of whore on her sheets after returning home from a grueling stint in rehab! Naturally Charlie is denying these allegations. And if there's one thing I know about Charlie, it's that he's a truth telling machine! Despite being caught red-handed with said call girl, Sheen has a perfectly plausible excuse. Read on, courtesy of Radar Online

[Charlie took (prostitute) Angelina Tracy back to the house on more than one occasion and had sex with her in the bed he shares with his wife
Charlie Sheen says she was a woman in need of counseling. Other people say she was his sexual partner.
No one disputes that she's a paid escort.
When (his wife) was around, Charlie took Angelina to a friend's guest house to spend time with her there.

(Sheen) has been busted cheating, with photographs surfacing of him wearing a ridiculous fake moustache disguise while meeting Angelina.

Charlie's rep released this statement about the cheating charges with Angelina: "The woman in question is the sister of one of Sheen's campmates and Sheen was only responding to a 12th step call. Since Sheen knew he was being followed and how this would look, he wore the moustache in a tongue and cheek disguise gesture."]

I believe Sheen made a tongue and cheek gesture - in bed! I admire Charlie's dedication to the 12 steps. I can't imagine anything more sobering than having Sheen's penis inside you.

Click here and here to read more on this hilarity from What Would Tyler Durden Do. 

[Photo Credit: by Angela George for Wikipedia]

Talk About Too Little, Too Late

Michelle_McGee_Sandra_Bullock_Jesse_James_April12-225x137.jpgSo, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee has decided to publicly apologize to Sandra Bullock for repeatedly knockin' boots with Bullock's husband, Jesse James. Well, that's one way to "innocently" stoke the self-created bonfire of scandal. How about never going public with the information in the first place? That would seem like a better way to start. But what do I know? I don't even have a tattoo on my forehead! Details, via Ok! Magazine

[The first alleged Jesse James' mistress, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, has spoken out and apologized to Sandra Bullock for having an 11-month affair with her husband.

"Sandra I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your embarrassment. I'm sorry all this is public," McGee told Australian TV show TodayTonight (via Yahoo!) in a new one-on-one interview. "I'm sorry for everything," she continued.

McGee also admitted that she understands what Sandra must be going thorough. "I want to give her a heartfelt apology," she added. "I'm sorry for her embarrassment and pain. I do feel really bad about it."

McGee opened up about the first time she met Jesse James on the internet, after friend requesting him on MySpace and inquiring about a job position at West Coast Choppers. "He actually contacted me," McGee said. "I was really surprised it was him, at first I thought it was going to be a joke."]

Oh, Michelle - you were actually right. It was, most certainly, going to be a joke. 

[Photo Credit: via Ok! Magazine]

My Obsession

Welcome back to the new and improved Panty Line Press! You'll notice there are more choices of topics (as well as iconic ladies - never a bad thing). I'll still be writing about celebrities, but I'm bowing out of the daily gossip race. Instead I'm shifting to a broader focus of entertainment (to allow the inclusion of movies and music), as well as posting on travel, 99 cent jewelry and miscellaneous musings. This is a live site, with new content appearing Monday through Fridays, distributed between the variety of subject choices. 

To kick things off, here's the latest Sex & The City trailer. The Aiden Shaw (John Corbett) rumor is a rumor no more - he makes an appearance in the clip above! Will Carrie turn the tables and cheat on Mr. Big with Aiden? Did I just write that sentence? Hell, yes! The movie looks completely over the top - and frankly I'd expect nothing less. "More" is never a bad thing when it comes to fabulous four - even if there's less bed-hopping and the new addition of chatter about hormone therapy. Man, I can feel my boyfriend cringing from here. The only way I'll have him as my date to this flick is if I knock him over the head with a heavy object (I'm thinking of using a bottle of champagne, that's a nice tie-in) and he wakes up strapped to a chair in the theater. I imagine other women nodding knowingly as I drag my unconscious mate to his seat...

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