June 2010 Archives

Bells Will Be Ringing?

sandra-bullock-people-mag-fast-divorce.jpgI was happy to hear of Sandra Bullock's quick divorce. I never understood how Elin Nordergren (aka Mrs Tiger Woods) withstood the pain and humiliation for so long. Giving the marriage a chance after an affair? A slight possibility. Staying hitched after a cadre of whores have been paraded past your home? Unthinkable. Needless to say, it was heartbreaking to learn that "America's Sweetheart" had been put through a similar situation, with a Nazi twist. Wouldn't you be racing towards the nearest divorce court? Sandra did exactly that, with much support from her fans and peers. Bullock and James's divorce was finalized last week and many of us breathed a sigh of relief. So why is there a feeling of uneasiness in the air? That trepidation could be due to the fact that many believe Sandra will reunite with Jesse. The horror! Opinion, via Celebitchy

[As you can see, Sandra Bullock's "fast divorce" made the cover of this week's People Magazine. From what I can see, there's not a lot of new information here, just some stuff about how everything happened so quickly so that little Louis's adoption wouldn't get screwed up. They didn't even get an interview with Sandra, just with some "sources" who are slowly but surely building the case for Sandra and Jesse's reunion (that's what it sounds like to me).]

People Magazine is known as the celeb-friendly publication - less of a tabloid and more of a newsstand opportunity for press releases. Just ask Angelina Jolie. People doesn't pen an ill word about her and, miracle of miracles, they get her exclusives. Has Sandra entered the same deal? Here's the People blurb on her divorce: 

[Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have finalized their divorce. But that doesn't mean they have parted ways for good. Friends tell PEOPLE in this week's cover story that the exes will continue to be involved in each other's lives as co-parents of James' kids Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15. The divorce's completion also clears the way for Bullock to finalize her adoption of 6-month-old son Louis.

"It's not like they're talking every day, but they're in touch about things," a source tells PEOPLE. "It really seems like it's about the kids more than anything."

For her part, Bullock, 45, has been "chilling out" in New Orleans and Austin with Louis. And James, 41, has made it clear that he plans to move to Austin as well. "He has a goal," says a James pal. "He wants his life back, he wants some sense of normalcy and his family back."]

We all know Jesse has a goal; he's nothing if not a goal oriented guy! But what about this article? Is the groundwork being laid for painting Jesse in a new light? I don't think there's enough new light available in the world to "whitewash" what he's done. But Bullock's got some powerful P.R. agents on her side. Is she Jolie-esque enough to change history for her own benefit or will she move on?

[People Magazine Cover]

Lindsay Lohan Calls The Paparazzi, Heads To The Pharmacy

lindsay_lohan_rite_aid_8.jpgYou gotta love Lindsay Lohan. If LaLinds needs a little pick-me-up, she just presses "1" on her speed dial and the paparazzi (still) come running. Nothing like having a little dial-o-drama at your fingertips! Was she getting some drops to soothe her SCRAM bracelet's angry red eye? That thing sure does love to go off - just like Lindsay!

[Photo Credit: Dressed sexy; how convenient!]

I've Found One Thing That Will Keep Megan Fox's Mouth Shut...

brian-austin-green-&-megan-fox.jpg... a secret wedding in Hawaii! That and a mouthful of pineapple shaped like peen. It was a toss up, but at the end of the day the wedding thing worked! Megan went from Ms. Mouth to Mrs. Green last week in a heavily guarded secret ceremony at the posh Four Seasons in Hawaii. Now we know why Fox really got fired from Transformers 3 - the whole "being married" thing will certainly make it more difficult for Michael Bay to talk his way into Megan's bikini bottoms. Alas, it's the end of an era. Details, via Dlisted

[14-year-old boys and middle-aged nerds who regularly get yelled at by their moms for leaving skidmarks in their underoos will be weeping into their custom made World of Warcraft bed sheets tonight, because Star Magazine is saying that prolific philosopher Megan Fox got married to Brian Austin Green in Hawaii last week. Well, at least the fanboys will always have the beautiful memories of their wedding to a Megan Fox cardboard cutout (which has the same IQ as the real Megan Fox).

Megan and BAG got engaged for a second time over a week ago in Hawaii after dating on-and-off for about 6 years. A source says that the wedding took place at the Four Seasons on the big island of Hawaii on either Thursday or Friday. The source gave a few details, "They had a fairly large wedding, but there were clearly more security people than guests! They had so many security people that they had to call in local security because the hotel security alone wouldn't do. It was very hush hush. Everyone was sworn to secrecy. The place is perfect for a Hollywood wedding. It's very romantic and scenic. Megan and Brian had already been there for a few days. It seemed like a spur of the moment thing. I don't think it had been planned long. Megan and Brian are still there at the hotel, relaxing. They're now celebrating their honeymoon."]

Well, who would have thought Beverly Hills' resident nerd would grow up to marry one of the worlds' most (surgically enhanced) beautiful women? Brian Austin Green (BAG) has game! As for Megan, if her career really is on the downslide, at least it will be nice to have some company. Congrats, you crazy kids!

[Photo Credit: Megan's not only a married woman; she's now a stepmom! Can't wait to hear what she has to say about that, because we know it'll be something entertaining.]

Now We're Finally Talking Some Sense!

sandra-bullock-2010-razzie-awards-wikipedia.jpgWe can all breathe a sigh of relief - America's Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, will be tainted no more! Sandra has just finalized her divorce from the evil Vanilla Gorilla, aka Jesse James. And not a moment too soon, as many had begun to question whether or not Bullock would dare reunite with James - a move that would ignite a public relations nightmare, if nothing else. Apparently that doesn't seem to be the case. Papers are sealed, but the marriage is reportedly over. Details, via Us Magazine

[Sandra Bullock finalized her divorce from her husband of nearly five years, Jesse James, Monday morning, UsMagazine.com has confirmed. The documents are sealed. Stating that their marriage "has become insupportable" after James, 41, cheated on her, Bullock, 45, filed for divorce Apr. 23 in Travis County Court in Austin, Tx., where she is a resident (and where James plans to move).

Around the same time of her filing, Bullock revealed that she and James had been in the process of adopting a baby from New Orleans, 3 1/2 month-old Louis before splitting. She said she plans to raise the boy as a single parent. Despite James' infidelities, a source recently told Us Weekly that the two are on speaking terms.

"Jesse would not relocate his family [Chandler, 15, Jesse Jr, 12, and Sunny, 6] to Austin without consulting with her," the insider told Us. "This has been in the works for a while. Austin is Sandra; it's not him." Added the source, "He'd like to reconcile."

Since splitting with James, Bullock has been in hiding but recently stepped out for a few highly buzzed-about public appearances. She wowed crowds at the Nashville flood benefit concert June 22 and a Spike TV awards show the same month. On June 6, she accepted the Generation Award at the MTV Movie Awards, where she smooched Scarlett Johnasson and urged the audience: "Can we please go back to normal - because therapy is really expensive."]

Nope, Jesse. No reconciliation, no forgiveness, no more access to Sandra. Only a lifetime of shame, humiliation and tattooed strippers. We'll throw in The Blind Side on an eternal loop, just to clinch your purgatory. I can't wait to see who Sandra falls in love with next. I wish her much happiness. My only hope is that next time she enters a relationship, she does an extensive background check on the lucky guy. 

[Photo Credit]

She Says This Every Time

angelina-jolie-vanity-fair-cvr-july-2010.jpgAngelina Jolie is gracing the cover of Vanity Fair again and the Internet has exploded as a result. You'd think it was the second coming of Christ instead of a self-absorbed actress deigning to talk about herself to a popular publication - but here I am throwing my hat in the ring, so I guess I can shut my trap and get on with it! Angelina is doing the full-court press to promote Salt, her next action flick. It's interesting to note, as we all know, that the lead role in Salt was initially penned with Tom Cruise in mind - the same Tom Cruise who is crashing and burning at the box office right now with Knight & Day. Will Jolie not only snag his job, but breeze by him with a larger box office take as well? Most likely. Get ready to get owned, Cruise! Jolie is reportedly quite candid with Vanity Fair (all the better to generate more press), and you can read in more detail about her interview by clicking on the VF link above. I, myself, am more focused on a particular portion of the interview that caught my eye. It sounds so dang familiar, I just have to talk about it:

[Despite her dedication to her work, she thinks she won't do it much longer: "It's not the most important thing in my life. Acting helped me as I was growing up. It helped me learn about myself, helped me travel, helped me understand life, express myself, all those wonderful things. So I'm very, very grateful, it's a fun job. It's a luxury. Look, I'm at work today in the middle of Venice. But I don't think I'll do it much longer." Jolie says this reassessment is mostly due to her family: "Because I have a happy home....I got back from work last night, and everybody was playing music and dancing and I suddenly found myself dancing around with a bunch of little fun crazy people."]

Huh. That's interesting because it's now 2010 and here's what she said in 2008 (from Us Weekly, via Celebitchy): 

[Angelina Jolie says she plans to give up acting to be a full-time mother. "I don't plan to keep acting very long. I'm ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day," she tells BBC News in a new interview. "I'm not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity."

She says she's lucky to take on great roles but "everything comes in seasons. I hopefully won't be needing to do that later in my life anyway," she adds. The 33-year-old Changeling star -- who says she won't work for a year after she returns to work in February -- stresses, "I don't think I'll ever say I'm never, ever gonna work because maybe there's that interesting project where I feel creative. "I like being home a lot," the mother of six adds. "First and foremost, I have a lot of children, and I need to make sure they're growing right and they've got us there for them."]

Of course we all know that she hasn't been home a lot. Instead she chose to film The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Yep, this is the same Angelina who's recently agreed to helm the epic remake of Cleopatra, one of the most notoriously difficult films of all time. Gossip Cop says: 

[Angelina Jolie is involved in the development of a new film about the life of Cleopatra. Film producer Scott Rudin bought the rights to Stacy Schiff's new book Cleopatra: A Life. The resulting movie project "is being developed for and with Jolie."

A rep for Rudin confirms to Gossip Cop that Jolie is involved in the film's development. Schiff herself endorses Jolie in a potential role as the Egyptian queen. "Physically, she's the perfect look," says the author. A famed 1963 version of Cleopatra's life starred Elizabeth Taylor.]

Oh, Jolie is also attached to a Tim Burton re-imaging of Sleeping Beauty as Maleficent and will play Patricia Cornwell's Dr. Kay Scarpetta in several films. So, if this is retirement, it must be of the Jay-Z variety

Angelina is noted for several things, among them her ability to work without a publicist while relying heavily on the advice of manager Geyer Kosinski. The two create a formidable team when it comes to manipulating Jolie's image to the public. My question is: why constantly insist Angelina is retiring when she clearly has no intention to do so? Jolie already has a reputation as a liar; from not being honest about when she hooked up with Brad Pitt to how many sexual partners she's had. So why lie about this, a thing so easily refutable that it took ten-minutes of research to disprove? Kosinski and Jolie win - this tactic has me completely baffled. 

[Vanity Fair Cover: Retirement - a "fresh" angle over man-eater and humanitarian?]

The Bad, The Bad & The Ugly

mel-gibson-public-domain-dui-mug-shot-wikipedia.jpgI don't really care, but news is news so here it goes - things are bad and getting worse in the breakup of Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva. Remember how Mel's former wife, Robyn, took his bullshit for almost thirty years? Well, Oksana made it through one. Let's throw her a party! I don't know whether to applaud or cry for Robyn's tenacity; but it sure as hell makes me think she must have a tinge of the crazy to endure nearly three decades of that asshole. Oksana? Not so much. Girlfriend is ready to come out swinging, in the form of secret DVDs. Damn, it just got all Jackie Collins up in here. Details, via Radar

[Oksana Grigorieva has secret evidence against Mel Gibson in their explosive legal battle and she has stored it on a DVD, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively. Gibson immediately asked the court to seal Grigorieva's DVD evidence and got an order prohibiting her from making it public, a source with knowledge of the situation told us.

The emergence of the apparent evidence comes days after the pair filed dueling restraining orders against each other. RadarOnline.com first broke the story that the Oscar winner had filed for a restraining order against Grigorieva.

Although the case is sealed, which means that documents cannot be released to the public, RadarOnline.com learned Gibson filed a temporary restraining order against Grigorieva, a notice about a forthcoming court hearing and a notice of visitation rights and child custody.

Gibson, 54, and Grigorieva, 40, have an eight-month-old daughter Lucia. The couple split in April after a relationship that lasted about a year. The Russian musician filed a restraining order against her ex-lover first, prohibiting him from coming within 100 yards of her.

According to published reports, Gibson is alleged to have punched his baby mama in the face two times during a fit of rage, giving her concussion. The alleged incident took place at the actor's Malibu mansion on January 6. The published reports of brutal physical violence have been denied, although no one in the Oscar winner's camp will make those denials on the record.]

Though the allegations have yet to be proven on either side, there's no disputing Gibson's penchant for alcohol, verbal abuse and violence. Does Grigorieva have ulterior motives? Most likely; and most likely involving the color of money. Regardless of the possible dollar signs in her eyes, I'm more inclined to believe her version over Mel's. I can't wait for the movie leaked scenes from the DVD. Celebs have their sex tapes "accidentally" released (so to speak) all the time - no reason the same thing can't happen with this "secret evidence." Sounds like Mel needs to have a passionate talk with his Christ. Hello, Hell - I simply couldn't resist.

[Photo Credit: Nice mugshot!]

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* Adrianne Curry wants attention today - and who am I to deny her? Video mildly NSFW, due to some language involving genitals. Big surprise. 

* Fergie allegedly wants to quit the Black Eyed Peas because she's ready to hop on the baby train - Will.I.Am's ego is just a convenient excuse. Hey, Josh Duhamel's sperm ain't gonna wait around forever! ~ Celebitchy

* Well, of course things were going to get ugly between Mel "Sugartits" Gibson and his mistress turned baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva. I'm mean, it's Mel we're talking about. He's not exactly the poster boy for charm and grace. ~ WWTDD

* Justin Bieber's mom has been offered $50,000 to expose her titties in Playboy Magazine. Umm, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, given that her son is uber-successful and a minor, that she's probably doing alright on the money front - without having to take her clothes off. ~ Dlisted

* Gwyneth Paltrow deigns to address the commoners on GOOP. Are you sure you want to open those floodgates, Gwyn? The homemade colonics might be safer. ~ Agent Bedhead

* Tom Cruise career assessment is on high suck alert. ~ Pajiba

* Peaches Geldof looks like Jennifer Aniston in this pic, except Jennifer has a waaaaay better body. ~ The Superficial

* Katy Perry, Esquire Magazine and plotting scarves. ~ Yeeeah!

My boyfriend and I hit up Target for their "end of summer" sale and scored ourselves a pool. It's of the above ground inflatable variety. It's all class - and it comes with a free six-pack of wine coolers! (Not really, lest you find yourself at Target disappointed.) Don't ask me why they're having a sale on lawn items before the end of June. I don't ask questions, I just enjoy the bargains. What I'm saying is - I know what I'm doing with my weekend, and I hope you do the same! See ya back here Monday. xoxo

America's First Desperate Next Top Model

adrianne_curry_naked_shower.jpgIt's Adrianne Curry, y'all - and she's baaaack. Or, at least getting some momentary attention for her Twitter-posting shower antics. Adrianne, for those of you who need some prompting (and no one would blame you if you did) was the first winner of Tyra Banks' America's Next Top Model (before it was more tired than a retiree in Palm Springs at nap time). She went on to wed Christopher Knight, best known for playing Peter Brady in The Brady Bunch. Bless that poor guy's heart - he's so blinded by his hot wife, he doesn't seem to mind that she's a loudmouthed nutball. A popular colloquialism might also describe her as a "brass-balled bitch." Whatever your fancy, there's an across the board consensus that Adrianne is gifted at stirring up the drama. So why even bother posting about her? Because here at PLP we applaud her insanity. She's top-shelf reality television material by day and Boone's Farm by night. And that makes her our kind of girl. Of course the nudity also helps. 

[Photo Credit: I'm guessing her husband/whipping boy, Peter.]

Tom Cruise And Jay Leno Had Faux Sleepovers?

tom-cruise-main-wikipedia.jpgUs Weekly has a video [click link to watch] of Tom Cruise's Donald Duck impersonation on (the evil) Jay Leno Show last night. While that may not sound like the most earth-shattering news, the subtext of the subplot is mighty interesting. Jay says Tom used to come over to his house, Jay would pretend to be asleep and Tom would do his Donald Duck impression. What in the hell does that mean? What kind of game between two grown men involves one pretending to be asleep while the other one whispers sweet Donald Duck nothings in his ear? Tom sure has a knack for throwing a wrench in the works, over and over again. Please, Tom - just be yourself. It's really okay. Meanwhile, bigger questions are swirling around the opening of Cruise's new flick, Knight & Day. Will he be able to pull in enough box office dollars to justify his leading man status, or will have to continue resorting to bizarre public appearances to generate interest in his career? Details, via Celebitchy

[Deadline Hollywood has an extensive piece about how Knight and Day, which has its wide release today, may be the final nail in Tom Cruise's career-coffin. While the film is getting some good or respectable reviews, media and film analytics sources are saying that audiences are just not interested. Knight and Day cost roughly $115 million to make, plus "tens of millions more" to promote it with a "vigorous marketing campaign." In its limited release, the film has only made $3.8 million when most analysts were hoping for $5 million. And now they're saying it will be lucky to break $25 million this weekend, and will probably not make any money for the studio in the long haul. 

So studio executives are beginning to ask "Why would we want to greenlight another 100-million-plus action adventure film with Cruise ever again?" So, basically, Tom Cruise is never going to be the movie star he once was. If Knight and Day fails, which it looks like it might. We'll see on Monday when all the numbers come out, but if I was a studio head (I wish), I wouldn't want to get near a Tom Cruise film. Of course, if I was a studio head, I would cast every movie with Clive Owen, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Idris Elba. And there would be mandatory nude scenes for two out of those three - sorry PSH, I love you, but I don't need to see you naked.

Oh, and Tom was on Leno last night. He did a little of his Donald Duck impression, but Leno's set-up was just... strange. Tom used to go over to Jay's house and Jay would pretend to be asleep while Tom did the Donald Duck voice? ... the f-ck? What kind of crazy sex fetish is this?]

I guess costar Cameron Diaz gets off scot free for this possible fiasco in the making? While I'm concerned for Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise's standard of living, if the downward spiral of Tom continues, the real tragedy is the public itself. Why can't Tom be accepted for who his? Better yet, why can't we separate his career from his private life? Love the art, not the artist. Enjoy him as an entertaining nut job - and live free!

[Photo Credit]

Lights, Camera... Honeymoon!

lamar-odom-and-khloe-kardashian-wedding-attire-thumb-350x447.jpgWe've all heard of couples making tapes on their honeymoon - Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, anyone? But with an entire camera crew in tow? That's taking it to new heights! Of course I'm talking about Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom. They're taking a belated honeymoon to Mexico - and, naturally, the Kardashian clan will be in tow. Sounds sexy! Details, via Perez Hilton

[Having just won the NBA Championship, LA Lakers star, Lamar Odom and wifey Khloe Kardashian are jetting out to Mexico for their long awaited honeymoon. The two will be staying at a compound owned by Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis because "they knew it would be very private and security would be tight there."

But the Kardashian clan doesn't know how to spend time away from the cameras and sources claims "that Khloe and Lamar won't be alone for long in Mexico -- because family and friends will be joining them soon and cameras will be rolling."

With a reality show in the works for Khloe and Omar, it seems like the perfect time for some filming.]

E! could probably save some money and skip the camera crew - I'm sure Joe Francis's "private compound" comes equipped with loads of cameras, riper for the filming than an 18 year old girl with a bottle of tequila on Spring Break. If there's any doubt that Khloe and Lamar's relationship isn't 98% pure stunt (I'll give 'em 2% for money and sex), this should surely eradicate those doubts. 

[Photo Credit]


princealbertgettingmarried.jpgSo, there's a disparity in looks here - and I'm obviously talking about the bitch on the right. What's up with the eye sockets of doom? I haven't seen that much black eyeliner since KISS was still wearing makeup. Oh, there is a story behind this pairing. Let's have Michael K. from Dlisted tell you all about it! 

[Prince Albert of Monaco, who has dated everyone from Angie Everhart to Morgan Fairchild (which is the greatest accomplishment in life), will get married for the first time at the age of 52. The Royal Palace announced this morning that Prince Pierced Peen is engaged to 32-year-old South African school teacher Charlene Wittstock.

Prince Al, who is the son of Grace Kelly thankyouvermuch, has a young son and an 18-year-old daughter from two different baby mamas. Apparently, They will never be able to wear the crown, because some stupid royal rule states that chirruns "born out of wedlock" can't sit on the throne.

Prince Al and Charlene first went public with their relationship at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin. Shortly after, Charlene moved to Monaco to be with the prince. A royal source tells People that Princess Stephanie and Caroline are currently tutoring Charlene in royal protocol.]

Nothing wrong with marrying a lady who looks like your mum. She was a beauty! I think it's rather savvy to get hitched for the first time at 52 - way fewer anniversaries to forget that way. Congrats, you crazy kids!

[Photo Credit]


lindsay_lohan_crotch_2.jpgOMG - Lindsay Lohan was set up... again! Wow, these people who want to set up Lohan sure have a lot of time on their hands. Their secret operation is more effective than the CIA; they're apparently everywhere and they always get their girl. Details, via TMZ and What Would Tyler Durden Do?

[Last night the Bravo show Double Exposure was centered around a photo shoot with Lindsay Lohan. SPOILER ALERT: it was a complete clusterfuck and Lindsay acted like a spoiled brat.

The episode is called 'Is Lindsay Here Yet?' and features Lindsay showing up hours late to a photo shoot that happened last fall.
Bravo sources tell TMZ that Lindsay was 11 hours late for the 10 am shoot and her excuse was that she overslept.

But, and stop me if you're heard this one before, but actually it was all a big conspiracy, and everyone is setting up Lindsay to make her look bad.

Lindsay Lohan has unleashed a string of angry tweets about how she was portrayed on the Bravo reality show
"this couldn't be more UNTRUE- Sucks when "friends" use you (in this case for ratings) even if they're lying."
"As for BRAVO and their false representation of me on their new show; I was given the wrong call time-now I know on purpose...it was a set-up." "Unfortunate that I considered jorge on the show a friend to trust...I don't appreciate being used for press, and I'm sure others would agree! Love to everyone"

Even for Lindsay this is fucking madness. So either there's a global conspiracy to set up the star of Herbie Reloaded (like that time someone stole her passport. And when some tricked her into taking a picture with cocaine in the room. And when some put cocaine in her jeans pocket) or she's lying. It's actually pretty amazing that Lindsay doesn't get punched in the face twice a day.]

Actually, there are people lurking around waiting to set Lindsay up - and their names are Michael and Dina Lohan. Those nutballs have done more to enable LaLinds in her massive downfall than an ocean of Oxycotin. 

[Photo Credit: I'm sure there was a massive conspiracy by the evil pantyhose industry and that's why Lindsay forgot to put on underwear. Mystery finally solved!]

Great, Fantastic Love

When Tom Cruise plays sincere, I don't know whether to run and hide or laugh. Usually it's the latter, since I'm thankfully nowhere near Cruise's "thank you" radar. Do you get the sense that he's practiced gesticulating emphatically in front of mirror a million times? Scratch that. He probably sits Princess Suri in a chair and forces her to choose what expression pleases her most. We all know Suri has her tiny palm on the pulse of the people! She forces Tom to fast forward through his bullshit most mornings though - girlfriend needs time to pair pumps with the perfect little outfit. That doesn't just happen on its own, you know! More hilarious opinion, via The Soup Blog

[Say what you will about Tom Cruise, but the man knows how to pretend he loves someone. Really. If Tom's worked with you, knows you, or perhaps just glimpsed you crossing the street as he sips his morning coffee from his mansion-helicopter that hovers above the Hollywood sign and is invisible to the less-evolved human eye, then he has just the nicest things to say about you.

By way of example, here he is this morning on Live with Regis and Kelly.

"This interview has been wonderful. You two are great talents, and you just bring it. Really. And this stool, man, this stool I'm sitting on, the way it holds me up...this stool is a consummate professional.

"And you, security guard, the way you're escorting me out, not too gentle but also not too rough. And hey, Mr. EMT, you are fantastic. The way you're firmly guiding me into the back of the ambulance ever so carefully so I don't bite your face off and escape, you are nothing short of a great artist. Oh, and doctor...doctor...I mean, the way you and your staff are restraining me as I scrape and claw and try to break free...amazing! I am in the presence of greatness.

"And last--but not least, of course--you, padded cell. The way you cushion me with your gentle touch as I propel my body into your walls during the height of my mania... I love you. I love you and I love your family."]

Couch jumping for Katie Holmes and hiring your Scientologist sister as your press agent? Priceless. Paying for said antics? A lifetime. 

Ballers & Claws

vanessa-bryant-vs-khloe-kardashian-odom.jpgDo the wives of the Lakers have a name for their little club? If not, I have a suggestion... So, from the sound of things, Khloe Kardashian Odom is not fitting into the exclusive enclave of Laker ladies - as if that comes as any surprise! Khloe (or K-hole, as I like to call her) obviously didn't come to the table as a mere bride of a teammate. She came equipped with a load of baggage including a large (and largely unlikable) family, a television crew and, most disturbingly, Ryan Seacrest. That's a lot to contend with - and we haven't even touched on how Khloe isn't exactly the most charming/gracious presence in the world. Well, head Laker wife, Vanessa Bryant, ain't taking this Kardashian bullshit lightly. Full snubbing has been engaged! Details from In Touch Weekly, via Celebitchy

[Khloé Kardashian is feeling unloved -- not because of her husband, Lamar Odom, but because of one of his Lakers teammates' wives.

According to an insider, Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa, "hates" Khloé and her entire family, whom she sees as attention-grabbing fame-seekers. And instead of hiding her feelings, Vanessa refuses to have anything to do with the 26-year-old.

"She won't sit anywhere near Khloé at Lakers games," the insider reveals, adding that because of Vanessa's dislike of her, Khloé has been shut out of the tight-knit circle the other Lakers' wives have formed.

"At a dinner for the wives, Vanessa didn't want to invite Khloé," the insider shares. "She said Khloé is a 'fake wife,' and she didn't want fake wives there."

The feeling is mutual. The insider says Khloé and Vanessa have "gotten into fights" in the past. And at the Lakers' NBA Finals game on June 17, Khloé brought Lamar's two children, as well as her mom, Kris, and siblings Kim, Rob, Kendall and Kylie -- and they all stayed far away from Vanessa.]

"Fake wife" - how dare she? Heh, heh. Khloe would have been smart to play beta for a minute and submit to the alpha, but we all know she don't roll like that - never has, never will. More opinion, via Celebitchy

[Since I don't follow sports and sports entourages at all, I only know who Vanessa Bryant is because of Kobe Bryant's sexual assault case of 2003, where Kobe was accused of assaulting a 19-year-old hotel employee, and Kobe came out with Vanessa and claimed it wasn't assault, he just cheated on his wife. Kobe later gave Vanessa a gigantic, $4 million purple diamond ring for sticking by him, et cetera. Anyway, Vanessa has been a Laker wife for a long time - they've been married since April 2001 (they met in 1999, when Vanessa was 17 years old). I guess Vanessa has become like the grand dame, or the Marie Antoinette, of Laker wives. Vanessa says who is worthy and who is not amongst the players wives and girlfriends. And Vanessa has declared that Khloe Kardashian is unworthy. Vanessa sounds like an a-hole, and we already know that Khloe is an a-hole too, but she's also "America's A-hole" you know? Nobody puts Khloe in the corner. Mainly because she won't fit.]

Frankly, I'm surprised Vanessa is playing so easily into Khloe's skilled, famewhoring hands. Girlfriend dines on drama for breakfast, lunch, second lunch, dinner and everything in between. She's got to be loving this mini-catfight. It only raises Khloe (and husband Lamar's) profile - and that means more money for the K clan. She should send Vanessa a thank you note...

[Photo Credit: Is it just me, or does it look like Vanessa Bryant (L) has visited Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon? She's looking a little La Toya-ish here.]

Jesse James Is On The Move

Jesse James might be moving to Austin, Texas. Naturally it's for the good of his kids - and not a self-serving gesture to pleasure his stashed mistress while he continues to act contrite for estranged wife Sandra Bullock. Yep, I'm not buying it - and neither are the citizens of Austin. Stay put, Jesse - Austin doesn't want you munching on their BBQ. Details, via PopEater

[Austin, Texas, has long been the official home of Sandra Bullock. She owns a house and several local businesses in the city. But things may not stay that way for long if her ex, Jesse James, leaves Hollywood to move full-time to ... you guessed it: Austin. Poor Sandra can't even catch a break when it comes to the town she lives in! 

"Of all the towns in America, he had to pick the one place that Sandra loves?" a friend of the actress asks. "He knows that Austin is her home, the one place in the world where Sandy can be 'Sandy' rather than 'Sandra Bullock, the Movie Star.' When is this fool going to stop hurting her?"

It's true that Sandra has bought a home in New Orleans, the city where her adopted son, Louis, comes from. However, sources tell me that was going to be a vacation home and Austin would remain her real residence. Now that plan is about to change and Sandra might leave her beloved hometown forever, leaving the locals furious.]

But wait, what if Sandy actually wants that fool in Austin? What then, Texas? It'll be margaritas for everyone because it's going to take a lot of tequila to dull the shock, if Bullock reunites with James. Details, via the ever reliable Enquirer

[Despite the public humiliation she suffered after her husband cheated with tattooed strippers and biker groupies, America's sweetheart SANDRA BULLOCK has put her $250 million divorce from JESSE JAMES on hold - and she's thinking about taking him back!
Sources close to the 45-year-old Oscar-winner actress say her dramatic change of heart stems from the joy she's experienced from spending time in New Orleans with her newly adopted baby, Louis. And after seeing how desperate and penitent Jesse was after his infidelities were exposed, Sandra caved in and forgave him, her friends tell The ENQUIRER.

Sandra filed for divorce April 23, putting her and Jesse's combined $250 million fortune into play. But now she wants time to re-evaluate her plans, adds the friend.

"She's stalling," revealed one friend. "I think she has forgiven Jesse."]

I posted The Proposal trailer to show us why we all love Sandra. I'm going to need a lot of reminding if she actually decides to take that piece of shit back into her life. 

Seth Rogen Can't Shake The Schtick

I take it, from the very little I know about the Green Hornet, that he's supposed to be a superhero. While I love Seth Rogen, a question is begging to be answered - why was he cast as the lead in this film? Seth does funny really well, but action? Not so much. While I'm not opposed to seeing Rogen take his career (briefly) in another direction; he doesn't seem to be doing that here. From what I can tell, he's playing the same character... again. Except now we're supposed to buy Seth kicking the shit out of bad guys. That said, the movie looks hella fun. Too bad it wasn't released in time for summer 2010 - July is in dire of need of some "saving." Here's more opinion, via Gawker

[In the new trailer for this January's adaptation of the comic book The Green Hornet, Seth Rogen cracks jokes, plays off a stoic sidekick, and blows stuff up. We have seen this movie so many times before.

The gist of the story (at least from the trailer) is that Rogen--bumbling about like a teddy bear with the stuffing falling out, as usual--plays the very rich son of a media mogul. When his father dies, he realizes he has done nothing with his life and decides to enlist the help of his father's manservant and become a super hero. The story is based on the Lachlan Murdoch biography that will be released in 2026. But he's not just any hero, he's a hero posing as a criminal so that they can break into the underground and expose it. Oh, and Cameron Diaz plays his secretary. You know she has to be a cop or a corporate spy or something because you know Cammy D didn't sign up to play no stinking secretary. Anyway, jokey rich guy, stoic Asian butler who does kung-fu, explosions--this thing is basically just Batman mixed with Rush Hour with some Bad Boys thrown in for good measure. How original!]

Cameron Diaz's bubbly persona is always welcome, and I'm all for an "older" actress nabbing screen time in blockbusters. But the presence of Diaz seems like stunt casting - more so the fulfillment of Rogen's boyhood crush than a believable love interest. Will Seth be able to pull off a Jim Carrey? Most likely not. But the high octane behind him will surely pull in the money. If that keeps Rogen appearing on the big screen, at the end of the day, I'm all for it. 

Who Will Take The Fall For Jonah Hex?

Megan Fox was recently fired from Transformers 3. Or she quit. Or she and Michael Bay had a name-calling contest and Michael finally won. Whatever theory you adhere to, the end result is no Foxy in Cars That Turn Into Machines And Do Shit - or whatever that overrated pile of crap is called. Though some have taken her lack of inclusion in the flick as the tolling bell on her 15 minutes of fame, many others believe it's a rather savvy career move on her part. How could setting herself free from that crapfest, whatever way it went down, be a bad thing? What could take down this beauty with the motormouth? The same thing that fells many an actress, if they don't deliver the goods. Nope, not the casting couch. Dirty pillows are a dime a dozen in Tinseltown. It's something greater than nooky - the almighty box office returns. It's no secret that Hollywood is suffering the worst summer season in recent history. Whether that be the fault of tired material, inflated 3-D prices, the economy or all things combined is debatable. It's a pretty obvious that studio moguls need to step up their game in this shifting entertainment climate. But, in the immediate future, there's got to be a scapegoat for each film that fails to become a blockbuster. Sex & The City 2 felt the bitter lash of nasty reviews. Older women and their dusty ovaries were suitably chastised for loving the series, but not supporting the movie. Even the testosterone-fueled A Team hasn't hit the mark. It's stiff competition (pun intended) for those summer dollars, and Jonah Hex was expected to be at the top of the heap (along with Iron Man 2 and Toy Story 3). Instead, the film opened to an embarrassing $5 million. Sure, $5 mil might sound great to you or me (it sounds really, really great), but that's beyond a flop in BO (box office) terms. To put that in perspective: more people wanted to see the horrible Ashton Kutcher/Katherine Heigl helmed Killers in its third week than they did Hex's opening weekend. Once again, scathing reviews may have scared away customers - but wasn't Megan Fox in a corset supposed to be insurance in such a circumstance? Sure, Josh Brolin will shoulder some of the blame - but he's been at this game a long time and has a body of work to sustain him. And Megan? Well, I'll let Gawker sum her up: 

[Everyone loved Megan Fox! She was hot and had interesting thumbs and knew how to fix a car in Daisy Dukes, which is often the hardest way to fix a car. Plus she could speak robot or something. She was totally the hot piece of, like, 2007. So hot that she was allowed to behave like a buffoon in magazine interviews -- trying to sound all smart and dark, but still sexy!, when talking about milk farts -- and, even worse, allowed to keep acting terribly in movies. There was Transformers 2 and then that Diablo Cody micklemuck Jennifer's Body, which bombed. Oh and speaking of bombs? Her Jonah Hex just became the dud of the summer. So really, Fox is kinda done. One of her two upcoming projects is a movie starring Mickey Rourke about an angel getting rescued by a trumpet player. Seriously! Thus, it is time for Megan Fox to retire. She had a good run of it, coasting along on raveny good looks and a penchant for talking about farts. But those jigs are up -- the teenage boys who once loved her are now in college and are now really focused on brainy, driven women. (Right?) What could her next career move be? Maybe she could go to medical school and become a gastrointestinologist.]

Think Fox wasn't supposed to be responsible for a good portion of the ticket sales? Try the fact that she's listed as a main cast member in all promotional materials - but only graces the screen for approximately eight minutes of the movie. While I don't see medical school in Megan's future, a saucy talk show might be just the ticket. Hollywood is all about passing the buck - though the suits usually hope we pass the buck from our wallets to their palms. Looks like everyone is gonna have to start working harder. 

Mean Girls 2, Sans Lohan

I think it's pretty safe to assume Lindsay Lohan will not grace the screen for the inevitable sequel to Mean Girls. Alleged crack addicts generally don't play high school students - unless we're talking about a Bret Easton Ellis novel. Though Mean Girls was previously a mere foothold in Lohan's once solid film career, it has since turned into a launch pad for other actresses. Costars Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfried have since been flung into the stratosphere of stardom (though I still maintain that McAdams was wildly miscast in Sherlock Holmes) - and it looks like Lizzy Caplan is hot on their heels. (If you're not watching Lizzy in Party Down, you need to rectify that immediately.) Needless to say, we all know what happened to screenwriter Tina Fey. Wildly successful, saviour, Thursday nights and 30 Rock probably ring a few bells. Here're a few details of the upcoming project from The Frisky, via ABC News

[If you don't count Mean Girls as one of the best movies of the last decade, then you just weren't paying enough attention. And now Paramount Famous Productions has given the go-ahead on Mean Girls 2 -- just a mere six years later. Given the first movie's superior Tina Fey-penned humor, it would be tragic if this one were anything but fantastic.

The proposed plot goes something like this: "A new high school student, Jo, who agrees to befriend an outcast, Abby, at the urging of Abby's wealthy father in exchange for paying all of Jo's costs for the college of her dreams. Jo and Abby team up to take on the school's 'mean girls,' the Plastics. The story becomes a high stakes battle of loyalty that ultimately comes to a head when one of our heroines finds out that her friendship has been bought and paid for."]

Perhaps Lindsay could be fit into the script - in the background of counselor's office on a "Don't Do Drugs" poster. Might as well make all that experience count for something! In the "mean"time, we can whittle away the days until the Plastics make their triumphant return - but only if Tina Fey is writing what they're saying. 

One Person's Road Trip Is Another Person's Drug-Fueled DUI

I've returned from my faux birthday road trip! My actual birthday celebration was delayed and, as is my hedonistic nature, the "makeup" birthday needed to be a 3 day party. Now that I'm satiated from the drive-in (a double feature of the hilarious Get Him To The Greek and the laugh-out-loud, in a so-bad-it-might-be-good way Splice) as well as swimming at the hotel pool. Sure, there were drinks involved. But here's where Chris Klein (best known for American Pie and sleeping with Katie Holmes) and I part ways. I enjoyed the alcohol, but I didn't abuse it. And there's also one more very important detail - I had a designated driver! Sure, Chris may want to drink away the pain it causes him not to see his daughter, aka Suri Cruise, but taking a joyride down an L.A. freeway with a BAC of .20 ain't the way to do it. Details, via TMZ

[Chris Klein wasn't just drunk when he was popped for DUI early this morning, according to law enforcement sources ... his blood alcohol level was almost THREE TIMES the legal limit. We're told Klein blew well over a .20 when he was arrested on the 101 Freeway in Los Angeles this morning -- his second DUI bust in the last 6 years. The legal limit in California is .08. As we previously reported, Klein wasn't the only passenger in his car -- cops found a dog inside the vehicle. The dog was later retrieved by a friend of Klein's. Klein's reps have not returned our calls.
UPDATE: Klein's bail has been set at $25,000]

So this is where a failed Mamma Mia! audition will get you! [See video above for the terror that is Klein's "singing voice," courtesy of Celebitchy and MovieWeb.] Really, we all know there's nothing to joke about here. Here're a couple of quarters - call a cab, and then rehab!

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

Sofia Coppola, Stephen Dorff and the Shannon Twins - oh, my! ~ PantyLine Press

* Perez Hilton has allegedly Tweeted a photo of Miley Cyrus's (underaged) vagina. Why post the cow when you can get the (explicit MTV video) milk for free? ~ WWTDD

* Meanwhile, Miley says she's not trying to be "slutty." I guess it just comes naturally. ~ Us Weekly

* Scarlett Johansson forgot to thank Ryan Reynolds in her Tony Award acceptance speech. Tired of the abs already? I'd personally be on my knees, kissing those things daily, if I were her! ~ Crazy Days & Nights  

* In more underwear news, Eva Longoria Parker flashes her Granny panties on the set of her new film. Frankly, I'm more shocked that she's been cast in a movie. ~ Daily Mail

* Yet another one of Charlie Sheen's cars has been found in a ditch. Charlie, one more time - take the keys away from Denise Richards. ~ NY Daily News

* Laurie David, Larry David's ex-wife, denies having an affair with Al Gore. Do I sense an "inconvenient truth"? ~ Dlisted

* Speaking of denials and alleged infidelities... David Arquette puts on his happy face and chats with People Magazine (aka "a publicist's best friend) about his wonderful marriage to Courteney Cox Arquette. ~ People Magazine

I'm closing in on my belated birthday celebration at the drive-in -  a double feature of Get Him To The Greek and the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street. Posting will resume after the celebratory road trip! xo

Of Course She Does

What can I say? I give in - I now appreciate Megan Fox. Her looks were never the issue - there's no debating that she's lovely to look upon (regardless of her surgically enhanced lips - the ones on her face). The issue, up to this point, was her endlessly ridiculous bon mots. Sure, they got people talking about her - but it was very difficult for me to get on board. But today? Today she wins. I can't resist her anymore. Why, you may ask? Megan has done gotten herself a new tattoo in honor of Mickey Rourke. I surrender - the girl is obviously a genius. Details, via Dlisted

[Both Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke have already creamed at the mouth about how much they loved working with each other on the movie Passion Play. Well, Megan was so touched by Mickey that she honored him by getting a tattoo across her ribs.

Megan explains to MTV, "Mickey is such a beautiful, wonderful human being. He's so genuine and so sweet and so talented. I just love him to death. I kept telling him that he needs to have kids, because I think he's going to be an amazing dad. I hope he does that soon. actually got a tattoo that is sort of in honor of him. It's on my ribs. I don't know if it's been photographed yet, but it'll come out eventually, I'm sure. I just love him very much and think he's very special."

No, the tattoo is not of a popped hemorrhoid with eyes. It's the Nietzsche quote: "Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." We hear the music and we still think you're insane, bitch. For the record.

But seriously, in a coffin somewhere Nietzsche's skeleton is smiling, because he was always told as a young man that one day one of his quotes would be important enough to be etched into the body of a ho who would probably be working the morning shift at a Hooters in Tennessee if Michael Bay wasn't a horny douchebag. And that day has finally come! Nietzsche, you've finally made it!]

Clearly she's hiding an enormous IQ under that perfectly tousled hair; and I bow to her for it. 

Hmm - I'm Beginning To Think Julianne Hough Has An Agenda

Photos of Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough frolicking on the beach have been released! And when I say "released," I mean "conveniently placed." Casual attire? Check. Loving glances/ "eyes only for each other"? Double check. Faux "caught in the act" look? Yep. And bonus points for frolicking with Julianne's dog! Saccharin details, via PopSugar

[Ryan Seacrest and rumored love interest Julianne Hough certainly looked like more than friends as they walked with friends in Malibu on Sunday. The blond duo had their arms around each other as they played with her dog in the sand and even with a whole group of people around them, Ryan and Julianne only had eyes for each other. Ryan is one of the hardest working people in Hollywood and always keeps us entertained with his funny Twitter picture updates so we're happy to see that he's somehow managed to find time for romantic beachy strolls, too. We predicted hot new Summer couples this season and Ryan and Julianne certainly fit the bill in their perfectly picturesque setting!]

OMG - I think I just got a cavity from reading that post. Someone's publicist is earning his or her paycheck today! They say there're at least two sides to every story. Here's a little something, for those who like their coffee black. Details, via Crazy Days & Nights

[Hey look. Julianne Hough must want to be a movie actress now. How do I know this? She is dating Dane Cook. When she was a nobody on Dancing With The Stars she started dating as many high profile guys as possible to get noticed. That worked. Then she decided she wanted to be a country singer so started dating Chuck Wicks to go on tour with him. She got that and dumped him. She tried dating Jared Followill of Kings Of Leon, but I'm guessing he saw through her and dumped her.]

Let's see: she dated a country music star when she wanted a country music career. She dated a super hot indie rocker when she wanted to raise her cred profile. And she dated Dane Cook when she wanted to lose weight. Laughing really hard at unfunny jokes expends a lot of energy; people do it on this site everyday! I'm second only to Weight Watchers in effectiveness*. And now Julianne has allegedly hooked up with entertainment industry titan Ryan Seacrest. I have some love in my heart for Ryan, since he's partially responsible for bringing so much dirty reality television to my favorite channel, E!. Yes, Keeping Up With The Kardashians is one of my (numerous) guilty pleasures. There, I said it. Not that Ryan isn't getting something out of the deal as well. He's not exactly known for his raging hot love life. Is Hough looking for a tidy T.V. program deal, or is it true love? Time will tell! Oops, time's up. Spoiler alert: it's the former. 

*Claims not yet evaluated by the FDA. 

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

jennifer-aniston-&-her-perfect-butt.jpg* Jennifer Aniston reportedly ate the same salad everyday for 10 years. No wonder former hubby Brad Pitt had to order out! ~ Us Weekly 

* Speaking of Brad Pitt, his personal psychic has been chatting with the press lately. Two questions for the psychic: 1. Did you foresee that awful goatee? 2. For the love of god, why didn't you do anything to stop it? ~ The Huffington Post

* It's a rare Rojo Caliente sighting - a joy for the true fan and the uninitiated! ~ Dlisted

* Why do women expect men to pay for everything? Why the hell wouldn't they? ~ Dicks in the City

* A "sober" Lindsay Lohan drives away her latest assistant. Those happy hour demands just aren't the same when your boss makes you do shots for her. ~ Celebitchy

* What's sexier than Courtney Love naked? The depth of knowledge in the pools of those insane eyes, that's what! ~ Yeeeah!

* All that money, and this is what the Olsen twins decide to do with their hair. Huh. ~ The Daily Mail

Have a lovely weekend! Remember to drop me a line if you want to make a request for any topics you'd like to read about here on PantyLine Press. I aim to please - at least that's what my boyfriend tells me!

[Photo Credit: Salad - so that's how Jennifer Aniston got that body! Who would have thought?]

Hot Damn, January Jones!

january-jones-main-wikipedia.jpgMad Man star January Jones is in the news - and it ain't as pretty as she is. First the lovely starlet was caught in the act of the proverbial "cab ride of shame" yesterday. Today comes the news that Jones was involved in a four car accident. But wait, there's more! Married man and Food Network television host Bobby Flay was called to the scene. Say what? Details, via TMZ

[TMZ has learned January Jones' car accident is way more involved than we first heard ... and it may involve alcohol and even a special appearance by Bobby Flay. As we first reported Jones was driving home last night when her car struck 3 parked vehicles. She left her license with a witness, walked a short distance to her home, called 911 and eventually returned to the scene.  

Jones told cops paparazzi were following her and that's why she crashed. Cops did not administer a field sobriety test -- we were told because there was no evidence of alcohol.

But now we're getting a more involved story.  

A woman who owns one of the cars that was hit tells TMZ ... she heard the crash, looked over her balcony and saw Jones.  She says around 10 minutes after the crash, Food Network star Bobby Flay showed up in a separate car, began talking with her and telling her to leave the scene, which she did. We spoke with Flay, who tells us he was watching the basketball game last night at The London West Hollywood Hotel with a group of people that included Jones. Flay says he saw her drink a beer but wasn't really watching her alcohol intake. Flay says he had only met Jones once before, and last night she asked for his number because she wanted to redo her kitchen and give his number to her designer. Flay obliged, and says he doesn't know why Jones chose to call him after the crash, but nonetheless he drove over to help her. He says he did not argue but just wanted to make sure she was ok.

The witness at the scene tells TMZ she was face-to-face with Jones and smelled alcohol on her breath. The witness says Jones left her driver's license with another resident and left.  She returned 45 minutes later in a different set of clothes, chewing gum.
The witness says she asked cops if they were going to administer a field sobriety test, but a cop told her there was no point since she could have had a drink at home and there was no way of proving she was under the influence when she was behind the wheel. Cops confirm there is no way to pin drinking and driving on someone who leaves the scene and comes back.

As for being chased by the paparazzi ... none of the witnesses we spoke with saw any photogs at the scene, and no pictures have surfaced that show the scene immediately after the crash.]

January had a long-term relationship with Ashton Kutcher, was rumored to have hooked up with Jeremy "Sushi Mercury" Piven (aka The Piv) and was recently said to be tussling with Adrien Brody. In short, the girl knows her dirty. The latest allegations aren't exactly a surprise, even if she can still pull off last night's cocktail dress looking like an angel. 

[Photo Credit: Pretty is as pretty does. This is not the "cab ride of shame" photo, by the way. Click here for that hot action!]

The Scent Of Stupidity

megan-fox-interview-mag-cvr.jpgMegan Fox - the gift that keeps on giving. Today is the big reveal - we are now privy to Foxy's plan! It turns out it's all a ruse - she's actually quite smart. She just says stupid things to throw people off the scent. Ah, that explains it! Details, via Dlisted

[This is what I've been trying to tell you all along! Hustler's answer to Nietzsche doesn't really have the intelligence of an empty bedpan. No, Megan Fox is just playing that part in the media so you don't see the real her. The real her which is a bona fide fucking genius! Snort a Valtrex, because Megan Fox is blowing your mind.

In a conversation with Zach Galifianakis for Interview Magazine (via NYDN), Zach asked Megan about her "Michael Bay is like Hitler" comment. Megan stopped writing her thesis on Finnegans Wake (she does that kind of stuff for fun) and said, "In the past, I've been reluctant to share any bits of truth about myself or to really let people in on my reality. So I have said some things to throw people off the scent of what's really going on in my life. So I have sort of aided the media in printing these misconceptions, which I regret."

It's as if a piece of shit spat out another piece of shit so that you couldn't say for sure that it's the one who smells like a piece of shit. Is that right? Hmm. Oh, how I wish I was Megan Fox so my brain wouldn't hurt after thinking about stuff.]

in the spirit of giving credit where credit is due - she is super amazing at one thing: getting people to talk about her, regardless of the intelligence of the comments. At that, she indisputably rules. And in the Hollywood game, that is the smartest thing. Damn it! And to think, all those years I wasted on college...

[Interview Magazine Cover]

If Only Natural Catastrophes Had As Much Staying Power

Damage done by the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami? Long forgotten. New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina? Same deal. Hell, our government barely helped out at the time, much less  pitched in several years later. The flood in Nashville? The massive oil spill off the coast? Oh, the list could go on and on. Yet nothing has the staying power of Brad PItt, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Who cares about the environment? Brad and Jen may have made out at Brad's production office! It may smack of Jesse James, but that's what gets attention. Over five years on since the Brangelina Bermuda Triangle, and these three are still nabbing the headlines. Amazing. 

Donesville - Part Two

Apparently there're a lot of things Gwyneth Paltrow is "donesville" with - and it's not only Baja shrimp tacos. Rumors of a rift between Gwyneth and longtime gal pal Madonna have been floating around for ages. Now it looks as if the split is official. Details, via Celebitchy

[US Weekly is reporting that former BFFs and expats Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are no longer speaking to each other. It's all due to competing egos and changing lifestyles now that Madonna ditched her British husband and Goop is sticking with hers. This isn't the first time we've heard this rumor, and there's plenty of circumstantial evidence to support it.

Gossip Cop refutes this report in their typical "the rep denies it, so it must be false" way, but it has a ring of truth to me. US Weekly gives a vague quote from Gwyneth's May Vogue UK interview in which she hinted at trouble with a friend, "I'm having a situation right now with a friend where I'm feeling pretty angry." From that quote, it could be anyone and the issue might be minor. However, Gwynnie took a direct jab at Madge in that interview, saying that it was a good thing Madonna was no longer working with their trainer Tracy Anderson, because Madonna "keeps people waiting - it takes up your whole day." Gwyneth also devoted a whole issue of Goop to "friendship divorce" on February 25. 

I'm thinking this is true. Madonna dropped Tracy Anderson as her trainer in October of last year, and just a few months later we heard that Madonna and Gwyneth had a falling out over some business issue. That earlier report noted that they are "both Type-A personalities" and we surely know that's true. They were probably glad to get rid of each other once their mutually aggrandizing relationship was no longer working for them. They both have enough people around them blowing smoke up their asses to fill the role they once played in each other's lives.]

If two wealthy, competitive, blondes who have time for no one but themselves can't make it work in the realm of friendship, what hope is there for the rest of us? Tragedy. Meanwhile, enjoy the video montage of what used to be...

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* Justin Long says he really enjoys performing cunnilingus on girlfriend, Drew Barrymore. That's like saying you like to eat candy mixed with rainbows. It's Drew freakin' Barrymore. What do you want? A medal? ~ Dlisted

* Wife learns that her husband feels "she just doesn't do it for him anymore" after giving birth to their daughter. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. ~ Daily Mail

* Chris Brown is not welcome in the United Kingdom. Finally, some consequences for his actions. Now, if only the court had been so tough... ~ WWTDD

* Jon Gosselin caught on tape, stoned. Well, it's not like he had anywhere to be. ~ The Huffington Post

* Adrien Brody may have macked on Paris Hilton; also hogged a lot of time at a recent red carpet appearance. Man, he has been out of the spotlight for awhile! ~ The Awful Truth

* Child drinks beer at a ball game. Sounds like my kind of kid. Wait, was that my kid?

Scram, Alcohol!

lindsay_lohan_crotch_2.jpgLindsay Lohan's SCRAM bracelet went off during an MTV Movie Awards after-party. Who's not surprised by this news? Let's see a show of hands. There's not even enough time to count the sea of waving arms in the air. Lindsay apparently kept her cool during the embarrassing incident. Maybe she's still an actress after all! Details from Star Magazine, via Celebitchy

[Star Magazine had an exclusive report yesterday that I thought was bullsh-t, but now I'm having second thoughts. Allegedly, at one of the MTV Movie Award after-parties, Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM bracelet went off. According to witnesses, it was around 1 a.m. and "...all of a sudden, her SCRAM ankle bracelet started flashing furiously -- bright red, fast flashes -- right through her boot! I couldn't hear anything, like if there was an alarm that went off as well, but you could definitely see the flashes. She wasn't drinking or doing drugs that I saw...She didn't seem phased whatsoever. I mean it was very obvious. But she was just hanging out, standing right in front of me, acting like it was totally fine." Star goes on to claim that it could just be a technical issue with the bracelet, or the bracelet could just be processing information. But now Radar says that Lindsay's judge is getting involved.]

I'm sure LaLohan has some perfectly logical reason (aka: bullshit excuse) for her alcohol monitoring bracelet going off. It couldn't possibly be her fault. Nope. Likely scenarios: someone who had been drinking and was sweating rubbed up next to her. She humped someone who was drunk. Alcohol-tainted pee splashed on her in the bathroom. Actually, all those tie together - a bathroom romp with a drunk person at an Awards show. Case solved.

[Photo Credit: Not a picture from the MTV Movie Awards, but when in doubt I always fall back on Lohan in pantyhose.]

Vapid Aftermess - Aka Post MTV Movie Awards Footage

I missed the actual MTV Movie Awards show, but I think I have all the information I need: actors babbled about bullshit, palms were greased and glad-handed, Lindsay Lohan made her obligatory party appearance and the cast of Jersey Shore were granted unprecedented access to celebrities due to their five minutes of fame. Sandra Bullock seems to be making a career of smooching surprised actresses at podiums. This time the lucky gal was Scarlett Johansson (sans hubby Ryan Reynolds, again). Anything/anyone is better than Jesse James! The network plugged the hell out Twilight: Eclipse and Kristen Stewart was her usual "charming" self. MTV also allowed Tom Cruise a moment of "coolness" in order to help him get butts in seats for the release of his upcoming summer flick, Knight & Day. Hey, he can't get anymore tainted than the damage he's already done with his Scientology rants - dancing with J.Lo (aka Jennifer Lopez, Lola) won't hurt anything. All in all, the stage was nicely set for Katy Perry to flash her cleavage and for celebs to break out the champagne and congratulate each other, once again. 

Tweetin' Trouble

Elisabetta Canalis, the Italian hottie attached to George Clooney's hip, is dating more than the infamous ladies man - she's also been courting trouble! (Seriously - why don't I have a job at Us Weekly? The elegant drama of that sentence kills me.) What's the problem? Well, it turns out Elisabetta was playing it a little fast and loose on her Twitter account and re-Tweeted a slam comparing Jennifer Aniston to Iggy Pop. Funny? Well, yes. Bitchy? Hell, yes! Dangerous? Absolutely, especially for someone who's expected to help George uphold his classy/lovable image. Details, via Celebitchy

[Last week, LaineyGossip was the first site (to my knowledge) to point out a particular bitchy/hilarious/nasty RE-tweet on Elisabetta Canalis's Twitter account. Canalis had re-tweeted this message (in Italian): "I'm flipping through the new Rolling Stone. Iggy Pop on the cover is the double of Jennifer Aniston." Well... the sh-t hit the fan. I covered the story here, and many, many publications covered it as well, including Canalis's later denial that she had done anything. Canalis wrote (in English): "I JUST RED [sic] ON GOOGLE that I TWEETED something bad about J Aniston,let me be clear,it's a complete LIE,I would never do that!!" So, total denial. Except that now Elisabetta's Twitter account has been totally cancelled.

LaineyGossip thinks that George Clooney "finally stepped in" because "Ely is trying to work in America now. And there's no working in America right off the get if you piss on the MiniVan Majority's favourite best friend. More importantly, George Clooney can't afford to cut those bitches off either. So Ely is no longer tweeting." Or it could have nothing to do with Aniston, and more to do with the sudden realization many of us had that Canalis isn't all that bright. The whole incident reeked of a Lohan-esque shenanigan, and the veil was lifted. Of course, both George and Ely were smart enough to know that they both looked like idiots.

Of course, there is something to the theory that George and Ely were terrified of Aniston's most rabid fans. The comments on this site alone went batsh-t insane with our two stories, and I imagine it was like that on other sites as well. Canalis made some lifelong enemies with that one little re-tweet.]

Sure, it was a re-Tweet (I love that "re-Tweet" is accepted and understood in our lexicon now; like Google) and not her direct opinion, but the damage was obviously done. And that was only a RT - imagine if she'd actually come up with that opinion of her own! Horror of horrors. I kind of feel for her. I Tweeted a few humorous observations about in-laws a while back, which my mother-in-law happened to read. Rest assured, I'm still paying for it a year later! Can't we all just get along? Though Clooney clearly falls in Brad Pitt's camp, George and Jennifer remain friendly. And that means Elisabetta has got to play the game, by proxy. The famous can't simply rely on looks anymore; they also have to be politicians. Start stumping, Canalis! 

I couldn't resist digging out this vintage footage of Elisabetta, strutting her stuff on a talk show. She's the very aerobic brunette in the clip above. Congrats, George!

Hot Sausage - As In Links!

* Suri Cruise has her own iPad. Thank god, I was really beginning to worry that she wasn't spoiled enough. ~ The Hollywood Gossip

* Nicole Kidman is terrified of the sun. I think the feeling is mutual. ~ Celebitchy

* Russell Brand's new flick, Get Him To The Greek, is garnering rave reviews. It must be the nipples. Now why didn't this tactic work for the Sex & The City sequel? Silly, fickle critics!

* Why do women date assholes? Because our economy would collapse if they didn't! ~ Dicks in the City

* How does a guy, whose resume includes being a douche with no job and a relationship with celebutard Paris Hilton, land Ms. World 2008? This is not a rhetorical question - I seriously want to know. ~ Celebslam

* Jesse James believes Sandra Bullock will take him back. Meanwhile, a battle rages between his ego and his balls. Which is bigger? Find out on Fool Watch 2010. ~ Radar Online

* Ashton Kutcher is a hypocrite, doesn't know shit about politics and is no help when it comes to the massive oil spill crisis. Yeah. Sorry to shock you - I hope you were sitting down for all that! ~ WWTDD

Have a great weekend, lovelies! Don't forget about the PLP extracurricular activities, if you need a little more sass with that ass. See y'all Monday. xo


Look - it's Gwyneth Paltrow, making her own tacos! Girlfriend doesn't need a (vegan) cheese grater, her voice is more than grating enough. Paltrow only uses two avocados to make her homemade "guac" for a family of four - but she recommends adding more avo, for the fat asses. She also let's us know that she likes shrimp because she's "from California." I guess that explains the Coldplay obsession. Then Gwyneth mumbles to herself, "Is it edible?" before declaring, "Home run, people!" Even standing alone in her kitchen, Gwynnie manages to be full of herself - both literally and figuratively. It's a home run, GOOP style. Now, if only her career were "donesville." Or is it headed that way now? I finally saw Iron Man 2 the other day - and if the casting director was hoping for "shrill and sexless" as Tony Stark's love interest, then Paltrow totally nailed the role. 

Careful - She Know Voodoo And Karate

star-mag-angelina-jolie-voodoo-cvr.jpgAngelina Jolie - is there anything she can't do? If the question involves famous married men, apparently the answer is "no." At least according to Andrew Morton, the infamous celebrity biographer, who's delving into the legend that is Jolie and unearthing some juicy secrets in the process. Let's begin, courtesy of Celebitchy

[Yesterday, we did a little preview of Star Magazine's cover story this week, all about how Angelina Jolie does voodoo, and Brad cries like a little girl. Actually, I think the tabloids are legally obligated to add "...and Brad cries like a little girl" at the end of every Angelina story. According to Star's preview/excerpt of Andrew Morton's biography of Jolie, Morton will reveal several of the men Angelina was fooling around with before (and perhaps during) her relationship with Brad. Ralph Fiennes! We've heard that one before, from obscure British tabloid journalist Jenny Paul. According to Jenny Paul, "An insider claims that Angelina and Ralph Fiennes met for regular S&M sex sessions at a hotel in London. 'They would order room service and watch the news together in bed afterward.'" Sexy, isn't it? Some handcuffs and whips, then some CNN.

Anyway, the new(-ish) men mentioned by Star/Morton are Lenny Kravitz and Ethan Hawke. Scandal! First, Lenny Kravitz has been with a lot of women, hasn't he? He even dated Nicole Kidman, allegedly. It's not really scandalous because he's done everybody. Secondly, Ethan? Really? I remember those rumors - back in 2003, Angelina was working with Ethan and Olivier Martinez on Taking Lives. There were rumors about Angelina with both Olivier (who was with Kylie Minogue at the time) and Ethan (who was about to separate from Uma Thurman). I remember I only believed the Olivier rumors, and that Ethan left Uma and began shacking up with some young waitress. Could Angelina be the secret reason Ethan and Uma split up?]

If the Ethan/Angelina hookup is true, then kudos actually go to Uma Thurman for being classy enough to keep her mouth shut all these years. I wish I could get behind Angelina as a powerful woman (though not like this) - however taking what you want, when you want it, without regard for anyone else doesn't make you powerful; it makes you a Republican. Maybe that's the real voodoo. 

[Star Magazine Cover]

Scott Disick As O.J.?

The Kardashians certainly are gifted at one thing - creating a shitload of drama, faux or otherwise. Coming to a screen near you? A massive, bloody fallout between Kourtney Kardashian and her on again/off again boyfriend (and baby daddy) Scott Disick. Is Scott paid to be the bad guy or is he really a full-on douchebag? I assume it's a combination of both. What a catch! Details, via Life & Style

[Kourtney Kardashian faces a harsh -- and horrifying -- reality in season two of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami. In footage obtained by Life & Style, the new mom is seen cowering with her now-5-month-old son, Mason, as her boyfriend and Mason's daddy, Scott Disick, goes on an alcohol-fueled tirade. The intense clip shows Scott smashing bottles and punching walls, throwing back drinks and littering the floor with broken glass. Kourtney's shown slamming her bedroom door, frantically locking Mason and her sister Kim inside to shield them from her enraged beau. "I'm afraid he's going to come back in here," says Kim as she clutches Mason. The fight ends with Scott rushed to the hospital and Kourtney left in hysterics.

"I can't do this anymore," Kourtney cries into her phone. "I love Mason more than I love you."

Now, an insider tells Life & Style that the terrifying incident spurred a split for the couple. "She left Scott in Miami and returned to LA ahead of schedule," the insider reveals to Life & Style. After weeks apart this past spring, time is slowly healing the couple's relationship. "Kourtney wants Scott to be a good father and will do what it takes to get him professional help for his drinking," says the insider. "If he hadn't gotten help, it would have been the end."

Still, the fight left Kourtney's family concerned for her safety. "I've had another girlfriend who allowed this kind of stuff in her life, and she ended up dead," Kris Jenner, says ominously in the footage obtained by Life & Style, referring to her best friend, Nicole Brown Simpson, O.J. Simpson's ex-wife, who was brutally murdered in 1994.]

Well, hello irony! Kourtney's father, the late Robert Kardashian, was one of the key figures on O.J. Simpson's defense team. Now Kourt's mother, Kris Jenner, is comparing her eldest daughter's boyfriend to one of the most notorious murderers of our time? The same one that her ex-husband helped ensure undeserved freedom? Huh. 

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