As seen on MovieBoozer!
By Jenna Zine & Larry Crane (An assumed
Six-Pack)
[Welcome to a He Said/ She Said review of films! We're just two
newlyweds trying to navigate sharing the Netflix queue while balancing our
divergent tastes in movie genres. Sometimes we agree - and sometimes one of us
loses our place in line!]
Crank 2
picks up with the action-packed real time feel of Crank. Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) awakes during open-heart
surgery to a most horrifying sight. This isn't a hospital-sanctioned operation -
rather he's being worked on by a group of gangsters who are replacing his vital
organ with an AbioCor artificial heart. This faux blood pumper is outfitted
with a battery pack which, when run down, will cause the internal battery to
kick in. Once the internal battery is in use, Chev only has 60 minutes to live
before his power literally runs out.
A Toast
Chev wakes up during open-heart
surgery in a filthy operating room, surrounded by gangsters...
She Said: Crank 2? Are you mad at me?
He Said: You said I
could pick the next film.
She Said: Damn. This
stars Amy Smart and Corey Haim?!
He Said: Who's Amy
Smart?
She Said: You don't know
who she is? She's super cute!
He Said: Well then, she's
the one....
She Said: Yes, honey you'll
probably to see her tits and I might finally get some pec action!
Beer Two
Chev wakes up three
months after surgery, anxious to get out of the hospital. And by "anxious" I
mean that he's immediately involved in a fistfight, a chase on foot and a shoot
out.
She Said: He's
recovering nicely. I don't remember having my wits about me like that after
getting my tonsils out. Then again, I was 6. All I wanted was a Popsicle.
He Said: Wow, he has a
fanny pack that powers his heart. This might be the dumbest movie I've ever
seen.... starring Jason Statham.
She Said: This is kind
of gross so far. I'm totally regretting having Thai food for dinner.
Beer Three
Chev calls his doctor to
see how he can get his real heart back. His "doctor" is played Dwight Yoakum,
of all people. Doc Miles (Yoakum) is spanking a stripper, who's lying over his
lap baring her ass, as he picks up the phone.
She Said: Chelios must
have one hell of a health plan. I've never had my doctor's home number!
He Said: I'll bet you
know a doctor who's hung with strippers though.
She Said: Ha! Probably!
Lord know they have enough dollar bills to throw around... Wow, the filmmakers
are having Dwight Yoakum do the exposition of the plot?
He Said: Yeah, cuz that's
always the sign of a great movie.
She Said: I'm so glad I'm
cheating and drinking champagne instead of beer. Beer makes me full and I'm
going to need the whole bottle to get through this.
This doctor makes house calls!
Beer Four
Chelios gets in a drag
race with some more hoodlums before crashing his car and ultimately crushing
his life saving battery pack. He asks his former competitors for a jump. But it's
not for the car - it's for him! He attaches the implements to his tongue and
nipples, which literally "cranks" up the voltage in his body.
She Said: Oh, my god - I
hate you so much right now.
He Said: Defying the
odds of space, time and science. This is lame. Oh, the bad guy's got his heart
in the beer cooler!
She: Can't he just
replace his heart with a six-pack?
Beer Five
Ah, the obligatory strip
club scene! This film is shot to look like a video game and this portion of the
movie is no different. There are lots of gratuitous flesh shots, but this scene
is marred by over-the-top violence.
He Said: Bad people are
always in the strip clubs, huh?
She Said: Well, unless
we're there.
He Said: This film... I
don't know what to say about it.
She Said: Yay! It's Amy
Smart!
He Said: Amy Not so
Smart.
She Said: She's cute as
a button. I have no idea why she'd agree to do this film. Her agent must hate
her. This is basically porn with a budget and an excuse for wide-release.
Sorry, wrong choice of words. I'm not enjoying this at all. I hope it's not two
hours long.
Beer Six
Chelios takes off with
stripper/love interest Eve (Amy) in a police car for yet another high-speed
chase. He treats himself to an occasional tasering to keep his energy up.
He Said: This is fuckin'
ridiculous. I didn't know movies could be this bad. I think a 13-year old wrote
this.
She Said: I saw a video
game; I wrote a movie.
He Said: This is so
dumb, I don't know if it's worth following up.
She Said: This is a
hateful, disgusting film. This is beat-off material for miscreants of society.
I can't do it. I can do dumb, but I can't do ugly. And this is ugly; ugly
people with ugly thoughts.
He Said: I thought it
would be cheesy bad. Not disgusting, painful and depressing.
She Said: Hey, you wanna
watch Top Chef?
He Said: Padma, save me!
She Said: So, are you
excited for (our next Pillow Talk) Splash?
He Said: It sounds great
compared to this!
Two great tastes that taste great together - just not in this film!
Verdict
We made it through about
½ hour of this flick before deciding to call it. We had to move on to Top Chef as a visual palate cleanser.
Crank 2
is stupid, annoying, sexist, racist, obnoxious, and ugly. We assumed it would
be more like Transporters, but it's
just nasty. Do people actually watch films like this?
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time
Chelios has to shock himself to stay alive.
Take a drink: every time
you're disgusted by a racial stereotype.
Take a shot: if you make
it long enough into the film to spot one of my favorite actors, Glenn Howerton
(Dennis from It's Always Sunny In
Philadelphia). I didn't make it that far, but Wikipedia tells me he's in
it!
