It has been oh, so lovely, waxing philosophical about celebrities; but the moment has come to move on to broader subjects - like sharing the time I farted in my brother's face and told him it smelled like roses (before you close this blog forever, please know that I was 6-years old at the time), why ladies fall apart faster then men, the studious pursuit of knowledge about female Hollywood power players, sharing MovieBoozer film reviews and much, much more that I haven't made up yet - but plan to in the coming months! 

Site news: I'll be opening up www.jennazine.com (link not yet live) soon! This space will allow me to share with you in a new way to include broader spectrum of topics. 

I assume you're reading this as infrequently as I'm posting - which is only fair. I'm wrapped up in other projects, you're wrapped up in your life. Hopefully we can all meet in the middle and toast each other on Thanksgiving. Let's take a break from family drama and drunk uncles to think of ourselves - and then dive back in, because that's what the holidays require. (Unless you're childless/childish hedonists like myself and my husband - we'll be in Vegas. And gosh darnit if you can't get cell reception while in a casino...)

PantyLine Press has been great fun and I appreciate all of you who've taken the ride with me - especially the ones who took time to write in and express a fervent opinion about a post. Even the person who accused me of having herpes because I expressed a less-than-favorable opinion of Ryan Adams. He has loyal fans, that I know for sure!

As I've mentioned before, the gossip treadmill is not for me. Love to read it, hate to write it. So, I'm moving on. I'm looking forward to it and I hope you are too. In the meantime, have a safe and happy holiday season - and don't forget to check out my frequent/current postings of film reviews at the fabulous MovieBoozer! xoxo

What's better than Bill Paxton? Bill Paxton as Coconut Pete in Broken Lizard's hilarious comedy/horror spoof, Club Dread! Larry and I are back with another Pillow Talk and it is a hoot. Check out our full He Said/She Said review on MovieBoozer here: http://movieboozer.com/2011/10/07/pillow-talk-club-dread-2004/

A well done film about a subject matter that could've been incredibly boring in the wrong hands. Instead, Moneyball ended up Brad Pitt's palms, so see it! Read my MovieBoozer review here: [http://movieboozer.com/2011/09/27/moneyball-2011/]

Go ahead: have fun copying and pasting the URL just like the old days! Moveable Type hates me and has stopped creating links for me. I'm taking it personally at this point. 

Holy hell - one of the WORST movies of all times. My review, however, is quite fun. Check it out, via MovieBoozer: http://movieboozer.com/2011/09/12/bucky-larson-born-to-be-a-star-2011/

Sorry about the effed up link situation around here. Moveable Type and I are in a fight - and MT is winning this war of wits. 

Larry discovers Working Girl is indeed a fabulous classic. Yep, it's time for a new Pillow Talk! Check out our full review on MovieBoozer, out now: [http://movieboozer.com/2011/09/02/pillow-talk-working-girl-1988/]

Paul Rudd knocks it out of the park as hapless, sweet Ned. The message will whack you over the head like a sledgehammer, but you'll have fun getting there! Read my full review, now up at MovieBoozer

Why, god, why? Read my full review at MovieBoozer here: http://movieboozer.com/2011/08/23/one-day-2011/

Ah, the adorable Friends With Benefits. Just like Justin and Mila... it's doable! Check out my full review at the fabulous MovieBoozer. [Here: http://movieboozer.com/2011/07/25/friends-with-benefits-2011/] Moveable Type is refusing to create a pretty looking link today. It must be feeling jealous of Mila. 

PantyLine Press is not on a regular posting schedule - but what we do post is fun and entertaining. Please stop back by!

And a little shout-out to Mimi at Villa Villa Kula for helping a girl feel beautiful - just in time for her honeymoon! [http://www.yelp.com/biz/villa-villa-kula-portland]

As seen on MovieBoozer!

By Jenna Zine & Larry Crane (An assumed Six-Pack)

[Welcome to a He Said/ She Said review of films! We're just two newlyweds trying to navigate sharing the Netflix queue while balancing our divergent tastes in movie genres. Sometimes we agree - and sometimes one of us loses our place in line!]

Crank 2 picks up with the action-packed real time feel of Crank. Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) awakes during open-heart surgery to a most horrifying sight. This isn't a hospital-sanctioned operation - rather he's being worked on by a group of gangsters who are replacing his vital organ with an AbioCor artificial heart. This faux blood pumper is outfitted with a battery pack which, when run down, will cause the internal battery to kick in. Once the internal battery is in use, Chev only has 60 minutes to live before his power literally runs out.

A Toast

Chev wakes up during open-heart surgery in a filthy operating room, surrounded by gangsters...

She Said: Crank 2? Are you mad at me?

He Said: You said I could pick the next film.

She Said: Damn. This stars Amy Smart and Corey Haim?!

He Said: Who's Amy Smart?

She Said: You don't know who she is? She's super cute!

He Said: Well then, she's the one....

She Said: Yes, honey you'll probably to see her tits and I might finally get some pec action!

Beer Two

Chev wakes up three months after surgery, anxious to get out of the hospital. And by "anxious" I mean that he's immediately involved in a fistfight, a chase on foot and a shoot out.

She Said: He's recovering nicely. I don't remember having my wits about me like that after getting my tonsils out. Then again, I was 6. All I wanted was a Popsicle.

He Said: Wow, he has a fanny pack that powers his heart. This might be the dumbest movie I've ever seen.... starring Jason Statham.

She Said: This is kind of gross so far. I'm totally regretting having Thai food for dinner.

Beer Three

Chev calls his doctor to see how he can get his real heart back. His "doctor" is played Dwight Yoakum, of all people. Doc Miles (Yoakum) is spanking a stripper, who's lying over his lap baring her ass, as he picks up the phone.

She Said: Chelios must have one hell of a health plan. I've never had my doctor's home number!

He Said: I'll bet you know a doctor who's hung with strippers though.

She Said: Ha! Probably! Lord know they have enough dollar bills to throw around... Wow, the filmmakers are having Dwight Yoakum do the exposition of the plot?

He Said: Yeah, cuz that's always the sign of a great movie.

She Said: I'm so glad I'm cheating and drinking champagne instead of beer. Beer makes me full and I'm going to need the whole bottle to get through this.

This doctor makes house calls!

Beer Four

Chelios gets in a drag race with some more hoodlums before crashing his car and ultimately crushing his life saving battery pack. He asks his former competitors for a jump. But it's not for the car - it's for him! He attaches the implements to his tongue and nipples, which literally "cranks" up the voltage in his body.

She Said: Oh, my god - I hate you so much right now.

He Said: Defying the odds of space, time and science. This is lame. Oh, the bad guy's got his heart in the beer cooler!

She: Can't he just replace his heart with a six-pack?

Beer Five

Ah, the obligatory strip club scene! This film is shot to look like a video game and this portion of the movie is no different. There are lots of gratuitous flesh shots, but this scene is marred by over-the-top violence.

He Said: Bad people are always in the strip clubs, huh?

She Said: Well, unless we're there.

He Said: This film... I don't know what to say about it.

She Said: Yay! It's Amy Smart!

He Said: Amy Not so Smart.

She Said: She's cute as a button. I have no idea why she'd agree to do this film. Her agent must hate her. This is basically porn with a budget and an excuse for wide-release. Sorry, wrong choice of words. I'm not enjoying this at all. I hope it's not two hours long.

Beer Six

Chelios takes off with stripper/love interest Eve (Amy) in a police car for yet another high-speed chase. He treats himself to an occasional tasering to keep his energy up.

He Said: This is fuckin' ridiculous. I didn't know movies could be this bad. I think a 13-year old wrote this.

She Said: I saw a video game; I wrote a movie.

He Said: This is so dumb, I don't know if it's worth following up.

She Said: This is a hateful, disgusting film. This is beat-off material for miscreants of society. I can't do it. I can do dumb, but I can't do ugly. And this is ugly; ugly people with ugly thoughts.

He Said: I thought it would be cheesy bad. Not disgusting, painful and depressing.

She Said: Hey, you wanna watch Top Chef?

He Said: Padma, save me!

She Said: So, are you excited for (our next Pillow Talk) Splash?

He Said: It sounds great compared to this!

Two great tastes that taste great together - just not in this film!

Verdict

We made it through about ½ hour of this flick before deciding to call it. We had to move on to Top Chef as a visual palate cleanser.

Crank 2 is stupid, annoying, sexist, racist, obnoxious, and ugly. We assumed it would be more like Transporters, but it's just nasty. Do people actually watch films like this?

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: every time Chelios has to shock himself to stay alive.

Take a drink: every time you're disgusted by a racial stereotype.

Take a shot: if you make it long enough into the film to spot one of my favorite actors, Glenn Howerton (Dennis from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia). I didn't make it that far, but Wikipedia tells me he's in it!

Before Linday Lohan allegedly took up with the house of Whitney Houston, there was this cute Disney flick. My full review of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is up now at the fabulous MovieBoozer. Read and enjoy!

[Photo Credit: I feel a disco coming on.]

So, on that note, I guess it's good to learn there's more! Like a washcloth you just can't seem to wring dry, the tabloids have found one more drop of water to squeeze out of this mess. This time Brad Pitt is allowed to stay at home and play with the kids because the ladies are fighting over a new man. Details from Jezebel, via In Touch:

["Jen's Nightmare: Angelina Wants Her Man!" has a deck which reads: "Angelina Jolie wasn't content stealing Jennifer Aniston's husband -- now she's set her evil eyes on Justin Theroux!" Allegedly, Angie is trying to set up a project in which she and Justin would work together. Harlot. Still, the mag questions, "Made For Each Other?" since Angie and Justin both like motorcycles, tattoos and collecting strange things.]

Instead of helping Jen pen The Goree Girls during her year-long break, perhaps Justin can write Tropic Thunder 2 in which Aniston and Jolie could battle it out the way we've always dreamed - on the big screen! 

Forget six degrees of Kevin Bacon - it's all about three degrees of STDs when it comes to Scarlett Johansson and Justin Timberlake! These two leave Kevin in the dust with their friendly version of "connect the dots."

 

Coming up in this week's In Touch, we learn that Scarlett has received a lot of bone and Justin has given a lot of bone. Generous to a fault, these two. Too bad they don't hand out Oscars for "Most Celebrities Laid, by a Celebrity." However, this does sound like the domain of the MTV Movie Awards, so trophies might still be in their futures... May I suggest a golden bedpost with notches?

[Image from Jezebel, via In Touch]